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A normal person would feel elated. They would look at the boy in front of them, fearless and glowing, confessing his feelings for them in front of a crowd, and feel honored. And Will did feel it. He was bound to that boy in front of him, invested in his progress, watching fondly as his baby steps turned into leaps. The trick was, he always thought he’d grow past him. Will saw himself as a friend, a companion, someone to stitch him back up just so he could take on the world at his full potential. He didn’t know when things changed for Nico, when he stopped seeing Will as a nuisance and instead as someone he could love. He wanted to date him.
This whole thing wasn’t even Nico’s style; every act of his kindness was quiet and humble. You had to listen closely to hear his affection, to see it in everything that he’d done. He didn’t throw parties, and he didn’t state blatantly what didn’t need to be said. But he had. Had he gone so forcefully out of his comfort zone because he thought Will would like it? Was he already changing himself for a boy things probably wouldn’t work out with? Will would’ve been happy with a letter. Maybe a private moment between the two of them, where Will would’ve been able to explain that this was all a big misunderstanding. Because Nico was gay. Will became aware of that just a few minutes ago, when Nico had looked him in the eyes from across the dining pavilion and announced it. If it had just been the two of them, Will could’ve told him the truth, instead of selfishly withholding it. But it didn’t work out like that.
Because Will liked Nico. He liked him a lot. He was ashamed of a lot of things about himself, but liking Nico was not one of them. There was no way he would ever turn him down, and make him feel unwanted in front of a crowd of people. Confirming he liked boys to match Nico’s undeniable act of bravery was easy, a decision he didn’t have a second thought about— not until he saw the way that Nico beamed— a look of genuine, unguarded happiness spread across his face. He was going to be so disappointed when he learned the truth.
Because if Will was a normal guy, he would’ve just felt elated. He would’ve just felt honored and proud. The boy he was probably falling in love with liked him back, and that was something to be happy about. But he also felt a dread so vivid it gave him goosebumps. He also felt fear climbing out of his throat, begging to be released from his lips in a scream. But most of all, he also felt a plain, ugly guilt.
His fingers twitched at his sides. His mouth was dry, but he forced himself to smile. People cheered after he said it; they patted his back and said congratulations, and if Will let his eyes wander, he saw them do the same with Nico. Even his friends, Lou Ellen and Cecil, found him in the crowd and gave him matching grins. They didn’t seem concerned about the elephant in the room. Eventually, Nico climbed down from the head table, and walked directly to Will. Bits of confetti were tangled in his dark hair, and his round cheeks flushed with pink. He looked up at Will through his eyelashes, his hands tucked safely into his pockets. He was waiting for Will to do something. Will owed it to him to do something. After Nico was so vulnerable, he needed Will to take the next step. A braver man would’ve taken his hand. A normal man would’ve. Will was neither of those things, so he just tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and smiled with his teeth. No one looked past the smile to find the truth. He’d been relying on it since the first person died by his hands.
Unfortunately for Will, he was Apollo’s kin. The blood of the god of truth thrummed inside of him, making him particularly bad at lying. Even if he had a different father, Will would never conceal this from Nico, especially if they were to date. That only made matters worse. Of course Will was going to tell him on their first date, and ruin it for them both. Of course he wasn’t going to string the boy he loved along, just for his own preservation. As soon as they were alone together, he would tell him.
The lingering terror was the worse part. They walked deeper into the forest, away from the crowds with a picnic basket. Will had obviously insisted on carrying it, a steady weight in his hand to ground himself with. Nico explained that there had been a misunderstanding; the harpies and dryads and nymphs misinterpreted Nico’s plea for assistance, and threw a party instead. A private picnic was what he was going for, which made sense, and of course, the fact that Nico had doubled down under pressure only made Will more fond of him. How in the world did this boy like him? He reminded himself it was very likely that in a few minutes, Nico wouldn’t anymore.
His mouth was moving a mile a minute. It was actually refreshing to hear him talk so much, even if it was out of pure nervousness. Getting Nico to string sentences together that lasted longer than a few seconds was a challenge Will was slowly overcoming. The role reversal was staggering, and he struggled to keep up the act. He nodded along, smiled (of course), and spoke when he had to. He hoped it was enough to fool him.
When Nico finally settled on a spot he deemed perfect to have their picnic, Will got to work laying out the blanket. He needed the distraction, thankful for the simple work. He plopped down, and watched Nico do the same, abet more carefully. He sat on his folded legs, his hands placed gently on his thighs. It was almost sweet to see Nico acting so timid and polite; Will memorized the sight of him before his perception of Will would change forever. He wanted to cherish it.
“You’re quiet,” Nico told him. “It’s creepy.”
Will smiled apologetically. “Sorry. Just… nervous, I guess.”
Nico nodded. His doe eyes observed Will like he might jump and attack him. If it weren’t for the softness they held, Will would immediately assume he was making Nico uncomfortable. This was uncomfortable, but not in a bad way. It was uncomfortable because it was new. Nico took a unsteady breath.
“I’m new to this,” he admitted, pulling his hands from his lap, and twisting his sliver ring.
“I couldn’t tell,” Will said sarcastically, hoping to get Nico back to his usual confident self. If that meant baiting him a little, well that was a sacrifice he was going to make. He made sure that Nico could see his grin.
Nico scoffed.
“Don’t act like you have anymore experience than I do, Solace.”
“I don’t,” Will confirmed cheerily.
“You’re insufferable.”
“You just asked me on a date?”
“I’m already regretting it.”
He knew it was a joke, just like their usual bickering, but hearing him say it made Will ache. His smile dropped from his face. He looked away, avoiding Nico’s eyes. Those stupid, beautiful eyes.
He heard Nico sigh.
“I just wanted to be honest with you. I know I can be… difficult, and I’m not totally ok with who I am yet,” Nico started. “You know I was raised in the thirties. Back then, I watched them round up gay men and have them exiled. Pederasti, is what they called us. I was too young to understand, but it still… really messed me up.”
Will turned back to Nico. His lips were pursed, and his brow was furrowed. He stared stubbornly at the ground, still fiddling with his ring.
“And maybe it’s too soon to date you, I don’t know. I just told like, all of camp, but I’m still afraid of who I am, and I don’t want to hurt you because of that.”
“I don’t want to hurt you either,” Will confessed.
Nico took his eyes off of the ground, and smiled sadly.
“When have you ever hurt me, Will? You’re a healer. Not to mention the epitome of like, sunshine and rainbows,” he said.
Will wanted to tell him it was all an act. He loved his job; he loved taking care of people and making them happy, and his stubbornness kept him optimistic even when he was surrounded by death and pain. Will forced himself to see the best of the world, because everyday he saw the worst of it. That didn’t change how fragile he was, how he worked himself to the brink of exhaustion, not just because he had to, but because if he didn’t, he’d feel the pressure. The expectations. The responsibility. But nobody feels safe with an anxious healer. Nobody feels safe being taken care of by a fifteen year old who actually acts his age. It didn’t take long for his positive attitude to become more of a crutch than a part of him. It was a part of him, sure, just the only part he was allowed to show the people around him.
“I should be honest with you too, Nico.”
Once he had Nico’s attention, it became especially difficult to speak. Nico was from the thirties. It was no stretch to assume he had no idea what transgender people were, and would likely have a closed-minded view of gender. Even gay men who knew what it meant to be trans and supported it were not commonly interested in dating trans men. Most people weren’t, actually, and that’s why Will was totally fine with pining in secret for Nico, just like he had done with all his other crushes. But Nico was different.
Nico stood in front of a crowd of people, and confidently declared he had feelings for Will Solace. Nico grumbled and whined and complained, but always came back to him, like a spiteful planet orbiting around him. Nico felt familiar in a way that was intoxicating. Sometimes it suffocated Will, to feel so strongly that he needed to be in someone’s life. The familiarity freighted him. It dredged up the worst parts of him, what was needy, what was ugly, what was not sunshine and rainbows. It felt so right, even when it was hurting him. What was he supposed to do with those feelings? How do you tell someone that you felt like they could change the trajectory of your life? That even though logically it was too early to tell, you felt like they had something you were desperately missing?
And he could lose it all before this relationship had even begun.
He brought his hand up to the back of his head, and tugged at the hair there.
What if we’re soulmates, and I got born into the wrong body, and messed it all up for us?
“If we’re going to date, you have to know something,” Will took a shaky breath, and tugged his hair a little harder. “Something about… me.”
Nico tilted his head. Then, he smiled nervously.
“Do you have a closet full of skeletons you need to show me?” Nico joked. “Because I literally have one.”
Will smiled back. “No dead bodies. Just… my body.”
“Oh.”
Nico tore his gaze away from Will, and started to tug on his sleeves. His smile twisted into an anxious frown.
“Are, um, bodies important to you? Like, do you care a lot about appearances?” Nico asked.
Oh, crap. Now he thought Will was shallow!
“No!” Will blurted. “I mean— I don’t. Care a lot about appearances.”
“So you wouldn’t care about scars?”
“Nico, of course not!” Will insisted. “We’re demigods, it’s kind of par for the course.”
“Right, well, if my appearance doesn’t matter, then why does yours?”
Gods, he was stubborn. Nico always knew how to break down Will’s arguments. This time though, he didn’t know the half of it.
“It’s not about my appearance,” Will clarified, “it’s about what I have.”
Will shook his head.
“No, what I don’t have.”
Nico stared at him blankly.
“You lost me,” he admitted.
Will smiled. He forced himself to pretend he wasn’t feeling it; the same feeling he felt years ago, when Lee and Michael tried to get him to shower, and found out the truth against his will. And the same feeling he felt again, after his brothers, with Cecil one night when things got really quiet, and Will admitted to who he really was in front of his best friend. It builds up inside of him until it breaks him. None of those people rejected him, but the feeling still remains.
The feeling is fear.
Maybe he needed to keep it simple. He shouldn’t overwhelm Nico with complicated terms, and instead should break down the language the way he used to as a child. The memories were just as vivid as they always were; the endless swapping of doctors, all asking him the same questions, and telling his mother different things. Back then, getting anyone but her to really listen to him was impossible. He seldom had control over his own story, helpless as he watched people’s own perceptions of him affect his future. He had to remind himself that this wasn’t another doctor he had to convince to give him treatment. This was Nico, one of his best friends. Even if he didn’t understand, he wouldn’t try to spin Will into his own narrative.
So, keep it simple. Right, just tell him the reality of the situation.
“I don’t have a penis,” Will blurted.
He watched, in horror, as Nico’s eyes widened, and his face reddened, to the point that Will was convinced that he had finally snapped. Two wars, a lifetime of trauma, and Nico di Angelo finally fell apart because Will had said the word, “penis.”
Nico’s mouth opened, and he gaped like a fish.
“You what?”
Ok, so this wasn’t the correct approach. Unfortunately, Will was just as stunned as Nico was. He didn’t know what to say to amend his stupid word-vomit, so he just said nothing. He let Nico talk without explaining, which was definitely his second mistake.
“You’ve been castrated?” Nico asked, visibly winded. He was still incredibly red in the face, and Will could see sweat gathering on his forehead.
Yep, he definitely had gotten the wrong idea. Will opened and closed his mouth, still frustratingly mute.
“I’m so sorry,” Nico said, “that must have been horrible.”
Will managed to make a strangled sound.
“No, no! I’m sorry, you’ve got it all wrong,” he started to explain, but his voice cracked on the words. “I never had one in the first place.”
Nico frowned. His confusion was palpable.
“I don’t… understand.”
Will sighed, and forced his fingers away from his scalp, and into his lap. He looked away from Nico, knowing he wouldn’t be able to say it while looking him in the eyes. Here goes nothing.
“I was born a girl,” Will told him. “Biologically, I’m female.”
After all this time, it still hurt him to say it. It didn’t matter that it had been three years since he’d gotten on testosterone, that his chest was flat and his voice was deep; the day he was born he was given a different name.
“Some people are assigned a gender at birth, but realize they’re not that gender. I realized pretty early on that I’m a guy. On the inside, that’s the way I am, so I changed the outside to match.”
He cleared his throat instinctively.
“It’s called being transgender.”
Will knew he should be rushing to defend himself. Or even just to explain. There was a lot he still had to say, and a lot he still had to tell Nico so that he might understand, but he waited for his response anyway.
“You can do that?” Nico said in quiet disbelief.
Hesitantly, Will turned his head to Nico and nodded. At the very least, he didn’t seem angry. Just genuinely curious.
“How?”
Will gulped.
“I take Hormone Replacement Therapy. You know about hormones in the body, right? Chemicals that tell it to do certain things?”
Nico nodded. “Like estrogen and testosterone.”
Will smiled.
“Exactly. With modern science, we can recreate it outside of the body. Since I’m a guy, I take testosterone. But a transgender woman would take estrogen,” he explained.
Much like most medical science related topics, Will enjoyed talking about what he learned. The mortal body was incredibly fascinating. Its intricacies were endless, and humans were still learning new things about it to this day.
“Some people get surgeries too. I was pretty lucky because I never had to go through a female puberty; my mom fought to put me on hormone blockers, which slowed down the process until I was able to start HRT. Some people aren’t as lucky. So for transgender men who did go through one, you can get breast tissue surgically removed.”
He cleared his throat, vaguely aware that he might be talking too much. He didn’t want to blurt too much information out all at once, and make it harder for Nico to retain any. He decided to simplify.
“There are other procedures, but I won’t bore you with that,” Will said.
Anxiously, he looked back at Nico. He wasn’t able to read his expression at all. He tore his eyes from him.
“I’m telling you this because it wouldn’t be fair to keep it from you. Especially if you want to date me,” he started. “And if this is a deal breaker for you, I get it. I’m not a normal guy.”
He took a deep breath, considering his words.
“I don’t have… the usual equipment. I know you’re gay, and even if I am a guy, a lot of people are attracted to more than that. So before anything happens between us, I’m letting you know,” Will declared.
There. He said his piece. If Nico had any questions, he was welcome to ask, but the ball was firmly in his court.
“Hey,” Nico began, “Will?”
Will kept his eyes stubbornly trained on his lap.
“Will, it’s alright,” he said softly. “I’m not mad.”
Will heard shuffling.
“You don’t have to cry.”
Oh. Was he crying? He had stopped breathing for a while, so when he took his next breath, he found it difficult. It staggered in and out of him, like he was crying. His face felt a bit damp.
How absolutely mortifying. No matter how many times he came out to someone, he always ended up crying. It was like he was that little kid again, clutching at his night-shirt, trembling in his mother’s open doorway. He wasn’t sure how late it was, but he remembered the look on his mom’s face clearly.
“What’s wrong, baby?” she’d asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her tousled blonde hair was in her face and draped messily over her shoulders, a worn out tank top slipped on underneath the blankets.
“God put me in the wrong body, Mama,” he had sobbed.
He was too ashamed to seek out her comfort. He stood in the doorway stubbornly, until she had practically begged him to come to her. Will remembered the first things they said to each other, but not the rest. That frustrated him. He remembered how relieved he was to be pulled into her arms, safely tucked into the covers. He remembered falling asleep like that, after crying himself into exhaustion. But he didn’t remember the first words she’d said to him knowing that he was her son and not her daughter.
Will felt the same swell of emotions at fifteen as he did at five. Now another person he loved knew. Nico knew, and it was terrifying to be known like that.
He felt the brush of a thumb on the soft, bruised skin under his eyes. He followed that sensation, and found Nico beside him, his lip bitten raw, and his finger gently wiping away one of Will’s tears. It was furiously intimate, one of the few times Nico had ever touched him. He usually just got punches in the arm whenever he annoyed Nico, not whatever this was.
“I’m… I’m not one of those people, Will,” Nico told him. His eyes darted around sporadically, too afraid to linger on one place for too long.
“I don’t think that I— really care about— about equipment,” he elaborated, using Will’s choice of words.
Nico inhaled shakily.
“I just like you. This isn’t a deal breaker for me.”
“Seriously?” Will asked stupidly. His voice was barely above a whisper.
“Yes, seriously,” Nico nodded.
Will watched him in awe. Nico couldn’t sit still like this, while he was being so vulnerable, but Will didn’t mind. He chased every movement with a flicker of his eyes.
“I just didn’t know you could do that,” Nico admitted. “I don’t know why someone would want to, honestly— I think I’m just fine being a guy.”
Nico nervously met Will’s eyes.
“But, I’m almost glad you wanted to. So I could like you this way.”
That… was new. Nobody was glad that Will was trans. It was always an inconvenience, even if people reassured him it wasn’t. Life would’ve been easier for Will and the people he loved if he had just lived as a girl, and yet, this boy was telling him the opposite.
“I’m happier this way,” Will blurted, belatedly answering Nico’s question. Gods, it was rhetorical, wasn’t it?
And that made Nico smile, a rare gentle sort.
“I can’t even imagine you as a girl,” Nico said, still extremely close.
“It’s not who I was meant to be,” Will agreed.
He placed his hand back on his neck, and quickly threaded his fingers through the hair above his nape.
“What were you called before? You look like a Will.”
Will smiled guiltily. “I’d prefer not to say it, if that’s ok?”
Nico nodded enthusiastically. A bit too enthusiastically, honestly.
“Yeah, that’s ok.”
He seemed to realize how close they were, because he turned red, and shuffled away. He stayed close enough that if Will wanted to, he could reach out, and grab his hand. He wanted to.
“Can I…” Will mumbled, gathering the courage. “Can I hold your hand?”
Nico jolted where he sat. With weary eyes, he glanced at his joined hands. He was playing with that ring again. Wordlessly, he slowly extended his hand. Will did the same. He nudged Nico’s fingers with his own, and watched as the other boy flinched. Nico’s eyes were completely wide, to the point that it was eerie. Will felt the urge to pull back, but he chastised himself. Nico needed him to be the brave one for once. So he slipped his hand into Nico’s, and squeezed. The moment he felt him firmly against his skin, something clicked into place. It was like electricity. It made him sweat like hell, and gave him butterflies.
“Take all the time you need, Nico,” Will said suddenly. “I know this isn’t easy for you. If something is ever too much, you’ll tell me, right?”
Shakily, Nico nodded.
“I will,” he said quietly.
Will squeezed his hand again and smiled.
“I’m really happy,” he confessed.
“You are?” Nico asked. It made sense that he didn’t believe him. Will’s cheeks were still stained with tears. He realized that this was probably the first time Nico had ever seen him cry.
“I am,” Will confirmed.
A few seconds later, he said, “Ignore the fact that I cried like a baby a minute ago.”
And finally, Nico smiled again.
“Be glad I’m too nice to blackmail you over it,” he said dryly.
Will grinned.
“Aren’t you humble?”
“Extremely.”
Both of them lost their appetites, so the food that they had packed went stale, still inside of the basket. They did, however, talk for a long time. Nico had questions about Will’s transition, and surprisingly, he was willing to answer the ones Will had for him. Even the questions that had him wincing, or made him get a far-off sort of look in his eyes. He was returning Will’s vulnerability with his own, and it felt like a gift. Their hands sat between each other like a promise; I will stay with you.
Maybe Will was silly to think that being assigned female at birth would ruin his chances of being Nico’s soulmate. Maybe it was the opposite. Maybe being trans was a gift in its own right, giving him the opportunity to be loved by this boy, as a boy. He thought, to himself as they walked back to camp, hand in hand, that he liked the person that he had become. He chose to believe this version of his story.