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Sasuke was convinced Naruto came over purely to annoy him. There was evidence. For example, the way Naruto was currently sitting cross-legged on the rug in his apartment, eating dried ramen straight from the packet while spreading crumbs everywhere.
“You’re disgusting,” Sasuke informed him without looking up.
Naruto grinned. “And yet you keep letting me in.”
“I don’t let you in. You climb through the window.”
“The window’s never locked,” Naruto pointed out. “That’s basically an invitation.”
Sasuke looked back down at the report Kakashi had forced on him three days ago. He could feel Naruto staring.
Years of fighting alongside Naruto had left Sasuke with the unfortunate ability to distinguish between his different kinds of staring.
This one felt dangerous.
Naruto sighed loudly.
When Sasuke didn’t react, he did it again with significantly more volume.
“…What.”
“You’ve been reading that thing forever.”
“Because unlike you, I’m capable of concentrating for more than ten seconds.”
“That’s not true,” Naruto argued. “I focused on ramen for, like, most of my life.”
Sasuke ignored him and was rewarded with almost thirty full seconds of silence before Naruto spoke again.
“Ne, Sasuke?”
“What now.”
“If I died, would you ever remarry?”
Sasuke slowly lowered the report to find Naruto staring at him with maddening sincerity. “We are not married, idiot.”
Naruto grinned, entirely unbothered. “So that’s a no?”
“That is not what I said.”
Naruto sat up so fast the ramen packet tilted dangerously. “See? This is why people think you’re mean.”
“And this conversation,” Sasuke replied flatly, “is why I avoid people.”
Naruto laughed loud enough to echo through the apartment. “C’mon.” He nudged Sasuke’s foot with his own. “Answer me properly.”
Sasuke clicked his tongue softly and went back to reading.
Naruto waited.
Sasuke continued ignoring him.
Naruto started scooting across the floor one inch at a time in what appeared to be an attempt at stealth. “I can hear you thinking.”
“That would be impossible.”
“You’re avoiding the question.”
“The answer is that you’re an idiot.”
Naruto brightened immediately. “See? That means there is an answer.”
Sasuke gave him a long look that conveyed several things simultaneously, most of them violent.
Naruto only looked more delighted. Somewhere over the years, Naruto had developed complete immunity to self-preservation instincts around him.
“And?” Naruto pressed again. “Would you?”
Sasuke decided to turn the tables. “Would you want me to?”
Naruto’s mouth snapped shut and for one perfect second, Sasuke watched every thought leave his brain.
“…What?” Naruto said intelligently.
“You’re the one asking about remarriage.”
“That’s not – I mean –”
“You brought it up.”
Naruto turned an impressive shade of red. “It was a hypothetical!”
“Hn.”
“You can’t just say stuff like that with a straight face!”
Interesting. Sasuke returned his attention to the scroll before his satisfaction became visible.
“So you have thought about it,” Naruto accused weakly.
“I said no such thing.”
“Okay, but hypothetically –”
“I’m no longer participating in hypotheticals with you.”
Sasuke rolled the scroll shut with the careful precision of someone refusing to engage further. Naruto watched him with the unbearable patience of someone who had never successfully been discouraged by consequences.
Sasuke folded. “Why are you even asking me this.”
Naruto shrugged. “I dunno. Heard some couple asking each other the other day.”
“And you immediately decided to make it my problem.”
“Yep!”
Sasuke exhaled through his nose. “You’re a menace.”
Naruto accepted this with obvious pride. “But would you?”
Sasuke’s fingers tapped once against the scroll. Naruto, uncharacteristically, allowed the silence to exist uninterrupted.
“…No,” Sasuke said at last.
Naruto blinked. “No?”
“No. I wouldn’t remarry.”
Naruto suddenly looked less sure of what to do with himself. “…Seriously?”
Sasuke immediately regretted answering. “You asked.”
“Yeah, but…” Naruto ducked his head. “I kinda thought you’d dodge it.”
Sasuke gave him a flat look. “I did try that. You wouldn’t let me.”
Naruto continued to stare at him like Sasuke had just said something irreversible.
“That’s actually kinda –”
“Don’t.”
“– really sweet.”
Sasuke put the scroll down with perhaps unnecessary force. “This conversation is over.”
“No, hold on –”
“You asked a stupid question.”
“And you answered like there was never gonna be anybody else.”
“Why would there be?”
The silence that followed was catastrophic.
Naruto looked deeply unequipped to handle that answer. Sasuke realized, one full second too late, that he had once again said the quiet part out loud.
Naruto opened his mouth, apparently losing track of whatever he’d been planning to say, then tried again. “…That’s not how people usually respond to that.”
Sasuke stood up immediately, choosing tactical retreat. “We are done here.”
“No, we’re not!” Naruto scrambled after him as Sasuke made for the kitchen. “You can’t accidentally imply something like this and then leave!”
“I implied nothing.”
“You basically said I’m your soulmate!”
Sasuke briefly considered death and opened a cabinet he didn’t need anything from. “You are exaggerating.”
Naruto was grinning helplessly. “Sasukeee.”
“No.”
“If we get married someday, can I plan the wedding?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’d invite the entire village.”
Naruto looked delighted. “I would invite the entire village.”
“Hn.”
Sasuke reached automatically for the kettle before noticing Naruto had gone quiet. When he glanced over, Naruto was leaning against the counter beside him, shoulder brushing his arm like it was a perfectly reasonable place to stand.
“For the record,” Naruto mumbled, “I wouldn’t remarry either.”
Sasuke forgot the kettle was still in his hand. “…What did you just say?”
Naruto scratched his cheek, suddenly very interested in the counter surface. “I mean. You know. Hypothetically.”
Sasuke, for perhaps the first time in his life, failed to produce a single usable response.
Naruto, unfortunately, seemed to interpret that as encouragement to continue.
“...You’d be kind of impossible to replace.”
The kettle clicked softly as Sasuke set it down again, unused. He looked at Naruto for long enough that even he seemed to be getting concerned about where this was going. Naruto’s hand stalled halfway down his face before he blinked, recalibrating.
“…So,” he said cheerfully, “does this mean we’re engaged now?”
Sasuke considered how Naruto had skipped several important stages of human courtship.
Naruto stared back with the absolute confidence of someone fully prepared to ignore rejection entirely.
“…You’re unbelievable,” Sasuke muttered finally.
Naruto’s grin widened. “That’s not a no.”
“It should be.”
“But it wasn’t.”
Sasuke could already feel himself losing this argument.
Naruto’s grin turned smug. “So, can I tell Sakura-chan?”
“Don’t you dare.”
“Kakashi-sensei?”
“Naruto.”
“The entire –?”
Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the front of his shirt and kissed him mostly because it seemed preferable to allowing the rest of that sentence to happen.