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I was always focused on my missions. You could give me any task, and I would try my hardest on it. I was famously known in the Port Mafia for my ability, Upon the Tainted Sorrow, and my martial arts. I was good at being strategic and focused. Sure, I got mad easily, and I lacked height, but it didn’t really matter since I made up for it in other ways. Unfortunately for me, though, I was stuck with the complete opposite. Dazai. Whereas I tried to complete our missions, he was constantly whining and dragging me off to god knows where. It was always, “Chuuuyaaa! Let's go do this” or “Chuuya, let’s go here!”
He was also always trying to get my attention, no matter what we were doing. I could be in my office, and he would randomly show up and start poking at me, saying,” Chuuyaa, I’m bored, let's go to the shop I saw yesterday”. Needless to say, I found him utterly annoying. I would give him up for a twinkie. I hate his guts.
Anyways, I was sitting in my office trying to figure out my new mission. Missions at the Port Mafia usually consisted of killing someone. In this case, I had the task of killing the mole who ratted out our illegal gun supply to the police. The good thing was that we narrowed it down to two people. One was a worker who helped unload the cargo containing the guns, and the other was a truck driver who transported the guns to the pickup areas where we collected them. The former was going to be at a party tonight at 7, which is when I would kidnap and interrogate him. Even if he wasn’t the mole, I would still have to kill him. After all, we couldn’t leave him alive after threatening him.
While I was deep in thought, the bane of my existence decided to come and torment me.
“Chuuuyaaaa~–” Dazai started, with a stupid grin on his face.
“Dazai, I swear to fucking god if you don't shut up right now, I will smash your ass through the fucking ceiling. Please, for the sake of my sanity, leave.”
“Woooowww, my little doggie’s being rude to his owner, how shameful.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
Dazai leaned over my shoulder to look at the worker's file. He read over the paper, his eyes scanning over the document carefully.
“Oh, he’s at a party tonight?” Dazai asked
“Yeah, I was planning to get him there.”
“I see, so when are we leaving?”
“WE? WHEN DID I SAY THE WORDS WE?”
“But I wanna go tooo!” Dazai elbowed my side while he spoke. “Won’t you get bored if you go alone?, and besides, maybe I’ll find a woman that I can have a double suicide with,” said Dazai, with a dreamy expression on his face. He mockingly batted his eyelashes at me, trying to convince me to drag him along.
“Ugh, fine, whatever, but if you mess up the kidnapping, I will end you.”
“Noooo, but I wanna die with a fair maiden, not a slobby dog like you.”
“Fuck off.”
Even though I told him to fuck off, Dazai still grinned like an absolute idiot. It was like he was a masochist. Honestly, he probably was. The more I insulted him, the more he smiled and insulted me back. It was strange, but I guess it's what made us, us. As much as I absolutely hated him and his remarks, a life without him would feel bleak and cold. No, no, no, what am I thinking? He sucks. Dazai eventually left the room, and I sat there, pondering over my messed-up relationship with that guy.
7 o’clock came around painfully fast. After spending a couple of hours after work cleaning my bike, I got up and took a shower. Dazai had apparently thought it was a good idea to plant smoke grenades in my bike, and I had spent the last 4 hours cleaning the residue off of it. I was going to kill him. Actually, he would probably want that, so there's no point threatening him. Anyways, I was staring at my closet, thinking of what to wear. Dazai and I had decided to meet outside my apartment, where we would then walk to the party hall. It was an event that a local charity was holding to raise money for lung cancer. It was big enough that even people from neighboring cities were coming.
I decided to wear a maroon suit with a blue tie and a white collared shirt. I put on my hat and waited for Dazai to show up. After 15 minutes of waiting, he finally knocked on my door. I opened it and stared at him. Coincidentally, he wore a blue suit with a maroon tie and a light blue collared shirt. He had his hair styled and combed. He looked well put together for once. The blue of his shirt complemented the brown in his eyes, and his maroon tie nicely contrasted his suit. The opposite of me, yet we still matched.
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” said Dazai, while annoyingly winking at me.
“Who the hell would wanna look at your face, you ugly mackerel? Besides, you were staring too.”
Dazai smiled, but I saw a hint of red on his cheeks. I grinned in joy for finally making him embarrassed.
“You didn’t deny it, Chuuuyaaa~.”
“Whatever, let's just go.”
We silently walked to the venue, which was conveniently nearby. By now, the sky had darkened, and you could see a bit of the moon peeking out from the clouds overhead. The building that held the party stuck out from the rest. You could hear loud music playing, along with various cars pulling up in front. As we reached the building, I stopped Dazai so that we could review the plan.
“Ok, so we go in, mingle and talk for a while, until we see him. Then, we make conversation until the party ends. We either lead him away inside the party or offer to walk him home. After that, we kidnap him. You get it?”
“Yea yea whatever, anyways, I’m here to have fun.”
“You BETTER not mess this up.”
In response, he nodded. We made our way up the stairs at the front and entered the venue. Inside was what could only be described as organized chaos. There were chandeliers spaced out on the ceiling, with a large one in the center of the hall. In one of the corners was a bar filled with alcohol and wine, enough to make my collection go to shame. I was definitely going to the bar once we were done with this mission. There were tables loaded with countless types of food. From dishes of caviar to tables filled with roasted meat, to many different kinds of desserts. They even had the slimy crabs Dazai seemed to enjoy. Any food you could think of, they had. Along with that were crowds of people walking around, having short conversations with each other. You could hear the fake laughing, the slight sharpening of someone's eyes as they hunted down influential people who would benefit them. I guess that was the point of these, other than to raise money, of course.
I immediately started walking around, with Dazai closely behind me, and tried to find the man. It was important that we knew of his whereabouts. I doubt he knew who we were since the Port Mafia never revealed its members to workers like him. Therefore, I didn’t think he would suspect anything if we talked to him. After Dazai and I walked around for a while, I finally saw him in a corner, talking to a few other men. I was glad that he showed. Now, all we had to do was wait a while, and then we could take him.
I turned around to tell Dazai that I saw him, but Dazai had run off to the tables with food and was walking back over with a plate full of various foods, including crab. I slowly inched away as he walked near me. No way was I going to be in the presence of crab.
“Chuuuyyaaa, come on, try it, I swear it’s not going to kill you.”
“Ugh, I wish it would so I wouldn’t have to look at its disgusting body anymore.”
We sat down at a nearby table, and Dazai pushed the plate of food closer to me.
“Come on, Chuuya, it’s so good.” To prove his point, He broke off a crab leg and cracked its shell open, then ate it. He grinned at me, as if him eating a crab leg would suddenly make me want to eat it aswell.
“No”
“Hmmm, if you eat it, I’ll stop calling you my dog for one day.”
I considered the deal for a second.
“Nope, nothing you offer me would ever make me want to eat crab Dazai, just give up.”
"Give me ideas, Chuuya." Dazai leaned against his chair and rested his face on his hand. He tapped his finger against his cheek, making it look like he was in deep thought.
"How about this, I'll stop calling you a chibi."
"Maybe...nope, I'm still not eating it."
"Ugh..." Dazai sighed in frustration and went back to thinking. We sat there for around a minute, Dazai staring off into the distance. Suddenly, his eyes light up, probably with another stupid attempt to make me eat crab.
“Hmm, what if I kissed you?” He leaned closer to me.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
He stared at my lips with his dark eyes. It was like I lost control of my body when he came near me. My breath hitched as he leaned in. Why? Now, his lips were mere inches away from mine. My face went cherry red. Oh god, I couldn't think straight enough to formulate a response.
“No, why would I ever want to kiss you, mackeral?” I tried to sound menacing, but it didn't work. I sounded like I wanted to kiss him. Did I? The crab leg layed forgotten against the table as his hand slowly came up and cupped my jaw. He slowly leaned my head up until I was staring straight into his eyes. Holy shit. My heart was racing at a speed that I never knew it could. If he moved just an inch closer, our lips would be touching. To Dazai’s surprise, I moved closer. Why was I moving closer? Oh shit. I didn’t know what I felt for him, but I knew that I felt something. I still didn’t know if it was love. Or, if I was even capable of feeling it.
Just then, at the worst fucking timing, a shitty waiter popped up out of seemingly thin air.
“Would any of you be interested in caviar?” he asked. Interested, my ass. Dazai and I sprang apart. Or rather, I practically jumped out of my seat, attempting to gain some of my composure back, while Dazai simply leaned back in his chair, looking all calm and collected. Fuck him. Does he never get flustered? Other than when I caught him looking at me, I had rarely seen him lose his composure.
“No, thank you, sir,” Dazai replied. The waiter nodded and went ahead to ask the next table.
“Wanna dance?” asked Dazai
“What?”
“I mean, if you won’t eat the crab, then we at least need to dance.”
“Dazai, those do not correlate whatsoever.” I sighed, then looked at him. Strange, he looked…hopeful. It wasn’t obvious, though; I could only tell by the look in his eye. Like he wanted to dance with me. I decided to entertain his plea, after all, we had some time to kill.
“Fine, sure, but only one song, and you BETTER not pull something like that again.”
“Like what?” Dazai said while smirking. Oh that motherfucker
“You know what I’m talking about,” I said. Oh god, I did not, in the slightest, want to bring up what just happened.
“No, but since you do, why don’t you tell me?” Dazai got up from the table and stood in front of me. He held out his hand, a silent invitation to dance. Resigningly, I took it. He led me over to the middle of the hall, where other people were dancing as well. As we found a spot, the music changed from a loud pop song to a quieter, more romantic slow song. The lights dimmed, making the atmosphere feel intimate. Great. Absolutely perfect timing.
Dazai stepped closer to me and wrapped his arm around my waist, while his other hand was around my neck.
“What are you doing?”
“Chuuya, I’m pretty sure this is how you're supposed to dance.”
“Yeah, but–” we’re too close to each other. I didn’t know how to describe it. I guess I just wasn’t used to others being so blatantly affectionate with me, let alone Dazai. He was always poking and teasing me, but it was never romantic.
“If your uncomfotable, Chuuya, just say the word and we can go sit down,” said Dazai. He had a look in his eye, like he was challenging me. I know that he would probably respect whatever I said. He was odd like that. Strangely affectionate yet annoying. But I had to prove it to him. If it was a challenge, I refused to back down. I was a lot of things, but a coward is not one.
“No, I’m fine,” I placed my arms around his neck and waist, “So, let's dance.”
There was a small problem, though, I couldn’t dance. Dancing wasn’t really a necessary skill, so I never bothered to learn. I do remember Kouyou trying to teach me once, claiming that “Dancing is a great way to learn how to move elegantly and deliberately.” A bunch of bullshit if you ask me, but I could never refuse Kouyou. The only thing I remember from what she taught me was a simple square motion. One person takes a step forward, and the other takes a step back. You do that in a square motion. Anyway, I wasn’t the best at it.
I guess Dazai knew I couldn’t dance, so he did the same thing that Kouyou had tried teaching me. He took a step forward, and I took one back. He stepped to the side, and I followed. Around and around we went, silently moving in each other's arms. My head ended up lying against his chest, and his chin was above my head.
“Wooww~, the slug can dance, who knew?”
“Shut up, Dazai.”
We danced for a while, occasionally bantering with each other about my futile dancing skills. It was nice, though. Swaying in each other's arms, not pulled down by anything. Every so often, Dazai dramatically dipped me down or twirled me. I, in turn, cussed him out. However chaotic it was, it was still fun. I felt like we were on the moon, just the two of us. I would never admit it to Dazai, never, but I hoped that this moment would never end. That we could stay frozen like this for eternity.
The song ended, and we stood in the corner, slowly falling back to earth. I looked at him, and to my surprise, he was blushing. Holy shit, he lost his composure. Wait, was I blushing too? Oh fuck. I didn’t know what I was feeling, but I was beginning to think it was love. I considered telling him for a moment. I wondered what he would say. Who was I kidding? Dazai would probably laugh it off. He would never feel that way about me. Just then, he leaned down next to my ear.
“We should go to the worker now.”
“Oh yeah,” Shit, I had completely forgotten about the mission. I looked for the worker in the crowd and saw him sitting in the bar. Dazai and I approached him and sat down on the stools adjacent to him. The man looked around forty, with dull brown hair and a pale complexion. He had a large nose and many wrinkles as well. As for his mannerisms, he seemed polite enough. Right now, he was making conversation with the bartender. They were making small talk, asking about each other's families and whatnot. After, the worker went back to sipping on his drink while staring off into the distance. I tapped his shoulder and extended my hand out to him.
“Hello, my name is Miyazaki Takashi.” There was almost no chance of his knowing me since the Port Mafia executives' names weren’t mentioned to common workers. But you could never be sure of his connections and the people he might know. An alias for Dazai and me would be the safest option. In fact, that idiot was the one who had suggested it in the first place.
“Mine is Nakai Seiji. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Miyazaki.”
“My friend over here,” I motioned a hand at Dazai, “is Nakao Yoshiaki.”
Dazai smiled and shook his hand as well. Seiji and I talked a little, and I continued to become acquainted with him.
Around 1 at night, the party came to an end. Through the generous donations that people had made, the event raised over 1.15 million yen. Holy rich people. We made our way to the front, along with crowds of people who made their way to leave. As we approached the stairs near the front entrance, I made my move.
“Mr. Nakai, are you walking home?”
“Yes, my car broke down, so I had to walk here.”
“Oh no, we couldn’t possibly let you walk alone at this time, could we?” said Dazai
“No, no, I assure you it’s fine, I’ll manage,” replied the man
“I insist, let us,” I smiled while I talked, trying to lull him into a sense of safety.
“Well, I suppose it’s fine.” The man smiled as well. We made our way over to the sidewalk and walked in the direction of his home. As we walked, I noticed a secluded alleyway up ahead. Perfect. I tapped Dazai’s back when Seiji wasn’t looking to signal what we were going to do. He nodded his head slightly, understanding what we were going to do.
When we reached the alleyway, I pushed the man in, while Dazai kicked him to the ground. The man screamed, but I kicked him harder. I think he understood that screaming wouldn’t help, so he cried instead. Ugh, what a waste. I kneeled to be at face level.
“So, Mr. Naki, how do you want to do this?” I fisted his collar and pushed him against the wall, “You could fess up to being the mole, or I could torture you into doing so.”
“P-please, I didn’t mean to.” Geez, he folded under zero pressure. Well, at least we knew why he did it.
“Why’d you do it?”
“T-The man offered me money, h-he said that he would give it to me if I told the police.”
“Ugh, Dazai, you wanna take some shots at him before I kill him?”
“No, it’s fine, go ahead.”
“As you wish.” I rolled my eyes at him. I dragged the man out of the alleyway and led him to the curb. I forced him to bite down and then kicked him in the head to shatter his jaw. The man screamed in agony and tried to get out of my hold. How pathetic. If only he hadn’t done it. You know, there was something I had learned recently, and it was that all acts, whether of terrorism, tragedy, or betrayal, were done for gold, glory, or god. In this case, it was for money. I also fell under this rule, and I wasn’t ashamed or anything. No, it was simply something I had learned after being part of the Port Mafia.
After shattering the man's jaw, I turned him over and shot him thrice in the chest. This was the way I was taught to kill traitors at the PM. It was simple, and it gave a message to others, so that they knew what would happen to them if they betrayed us as well. Mori had told me to leave the body as it was, so we didn’t bother cleaning up the blood on the sidewalk.
“Aww, I wanted to kill him,” said Dazai, while childishly pouting
“I LITERALLY ASKED YOU WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!”
“I’m joking, wow, no need to rile up chuuya.”
“Go fuck yourself.”
“Yeah, but what if I want you to instead?”
I stared at him because WHAT THE FUCK. HOLY SHIT. What the hell do I say to that? I swear to god, what was up with Dazai and his stupid sexual innuendos?
“You. Are. A. Dumbass.” I decided with that
“I’m your dumbmass” …COULD HE STOP FLIRTING WITH ME? It was like a flip suddenly switched on in him sometimes that made him go from cold and rude to fucking flirting with me. Such an idiot.
By now, it was 2 in the morning, and the sky was illuminated by stars. There was a gentle breeze in the air that softly rocked the cherry blossom trees back and forth. Houses spread across the street, some with the lights on and others with them off. It looked peaceful and serene, you know, other than the dead body lying on the pavement.
We decided to walk to my apartment, with Dazai insisting on dropping me off because, apparently, he wants to try being “courteous” and a “gentleman.” I suppose he could sometimes be nice, but it was only when he was manipulating someone, or if he was asking a girl to have a double suicide with him.
We walked in and waited for the elevator to arrive. Dazai was humming some stupid song, and it was really starting to piss me off. Wait, Dazai only seemed to hum when he was nervous. Strange. I wonder what he was nervous about. Probably to ask some poor innocent girl to kill himself with. The elevator arrived, and we rode it to my floor. He was still fucking humming. As we approached my place, I noticed that he wasn’t talking. The whole time we were walking to my building, he hadn't said anything. I liked it, of course, but it was strange. After walking across the stupiddly long hallway, I reached my apartment door.
I pulled out my key and unlocked it. I turned to Dazai to say goodbye.
“Bye, slug, hope you kill yourself.”
“Yeah, yeah, sure.”
As I opened the door, Dazai grabbed my arm and gently pulled me back. He shut the door and leaned closer to me.
“What the hell are you doing–” I started, but stopped when I saw the look in his eye. It looked like he was asking me something, a silent way to get my consent. I didn’t know what to do. What would he do if I nodded? Well, there’s only one way of finding out.
“If you're trying to ask me for something, then sure, but hurry it up–mmph.”
Oh, Oh.
Dazai leaned in and kissed me. His lips tasted like crab, but for once, I didn’t mind the taste of it. I couldn’t think, couldn’t move my body. One of his hands reached up and cradled my chin, leaning my face up. It was…soft. Something that I would never have expected from him. I had heard of kisses being described like a spark going off in you. With Dazai’s hand cupping my cheek, and my hands now a mess in his hair, I didn’t feel any sparks. No, I felt drunk on happiness. I felt like I never wanted this moment to end. I had kissed people before, but nothing compared to this.
When we pulled away to catch our breaths, I almost forgot to open my eyes. I was scared that if I opened them, Dazai would disappear. That I would be lying in my bed, and this would end up being a dream.
I opened my eyes, and to my relief, Dazai stood in front of me. His lips were tinged red, and he was staring at the ground, trying to pretend like he wasn’t blushing. He looked cute. I laughed at that thought and slowly pushed him away so that I could go inside.
“Goodnight Dazai.” I smiled at him. He smiled back
“Goodnight, Chuuya.” With that, he waved at me and walked back towards the elevator to leave. I entered my apartment and got ready for bed.
After taking a shower and getting dressed in new clothes, I turned the lights off and layed down on my bed. In my head, I replayed the events of today. Us almost kissing at the party, dancing together, killing Seiji, and us walking home. It was weird, I had never felt this way about anyone before. I mean, I had felt affectionate towards women and towards friends, but it was never like this.
No one had made me feel so breathless, so lightheaded, like I was floating on a cloud, drunk on ecstasy and pure joy. I turned to my side and stared outside my window. The sky was shimmering with what seemed to be thousands of stars. The clouds had dissipated, and the moon shone brightly against the night sky. It looked beautiful. Like him
I didn’t see myself as someone who deserved to love, who knew how to love, but maybe for this, we could figure it out together.