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“So…” Jax forced the words out. “You gonna shoot me or what?” He lifted his fingers to his head and mimed being shot.
Pomni had gone still, staring at him, chest heaving.
“Come on,” Jax drawled, the act second nature, if harder than usual. “It'll be funny.” He stepped closer and bent down to her level, every fiber of his being screaming at the motion. Whether it was protesting his next move, or basking in her nearness didn't matter.
It hurt. It hurt so much to think of this moment. The inevitable destruction of the fragile camaraderie they'd shared. But it wasn't real, any more than this stupid bright colored tent. It wasn't any more real than his lanky cartoon body, or the viewers he imagined watching.
They weren't watching now, though. They were reading.
But that was unimportant. He needed this jester to hate him. He needed her to kill him. He…. he.. he wanted that. It only hurt so much because he wasn't strong enough.
He shoved everything to the back of his mind –none of it was real anyway, right?– as he forced his hands to grab hers and aim the gun directly between his eyes. “Do it,” he said softly, emotionlessly, his pupils so wide you couldn't see past them to his eyes.
“Will we still be friends if I…?”
“We were never friends,” Jax said in a dangerous undertone, willing her to leave it at that. She had to believe him. He needed to believe it. He had to. Pain, HAH, what pain?
But Pomni wasn't pulling the trigger. Her eyes were wide as they stared into his. Her chest started to heave as her pupils became small angry cartoonish scribbles.
“Never… friends..?” she repeated, her tone something Jax had never heard from her before. Suddenly he regretted everything he'd said, but she didn't give him the opportunity to recognize his regret.
“NEVER? FRIENDS?” The gun in her hands trembled as she shook off his grip on her hands and aimed at his face with real purpose, actual meaning. “YOU FOLLOW ME AROUND LIKE SOME LOST F@#$&%G PUPPY! YOU TALK TO ME, AND YOU CHEER ME UP WHEN I'M DOWN AND YOU NOTICE ME BEFORE ANYONE ELSE! DO YOU THINK MY GOAL IS TO CRACK YOU OPEN LIKE YOU'RE SOME SORT OF EGG? WELL IT'S NOT. I TRY SO HARD TO BE GOOD ENOUGH. AND HAPPY ENOUGH. AND SANE ENOUGH FOR YOU. BUT IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH, IS IT? IT'S NEVER F$&#%@G ENOUGH FOR YOU. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ENOUGH FOR YOU, HAVE I??”
Jax was speechless, his pupils shrinking as he stared at her, not daring to move a muscle. She was going to shoot him, and give him what he deserved.. wasn't she. He'd pushed her too far, finally found her breaking point, the limit to her acceptance.
Pomni gasped in an angry breath. “WELL I'M DONE. I'M TIRED OF IT.” She grabbed his hands with a rough grip. And suddenly Jax was the one holding a gun to Pomni's head while her hands held it in place. Her cartoonish scribbled pupils stared at him, locking him in place. “If you think pain is so funny, you shoot me.”
Jax couldn't move. Shooting her was never something he could do. Never. His hands trembled slightly on the gun, but he couldn't seem to pull away from her grip. He couldn't seem to move at all, hypnotized by her.
“It'll be funny,” Pomni whispered, her words an echo of his own. She yanked his hands closer so the barrel of the gun pressed into her temple. “Do it.”
Jax didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to do or how to react. He didn't know how he felt, but he did know that no matter how she begged him, he'd never shoot her. Words formed on his lips. “It wouldn't be funny.”
He finally forced himself to pull away, still holding the gun, but not aiming at her. Never at her. Not again.
“SHOOT ME, JAX.” Pomni was yelling again, but this time she was crying too. “GET IT OVER WITH. GO BACK TO BEING FUNNY. PAIN IS FUNNY. SHOOT ME. I DON'T MATTER. I MEAN NOTHING. I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. IT'LL BE FUNNY. I'LL LAUGH. SHOOT ME. F$@&#%G SHOOT ME.” Pomni's voice cracked on a sob. “Please… Jax..” she said softly, all the fight draining out of her short cartoon body. “Please.”
I can't. Jax stared at her for a second that felt like minutes before he shook his head slowly. “No.”
Pomni buried her head in her hands, her body shaking as she cried harder.
He took a breath that hurt his chest. Why could he almost feel her pain in his chest..? Why couldn't he do what she asked…? He'd shot everyone else… he'd wanted to shoot everyone else.
And he wasn't supposed to care… So why…. why was he getting down on his knees beside her?
Why was he slowly, cautiously putting his arms around her?
And why did something warm fill his chest when she barely flinched and instead buried her head in his chest?
He wasn't good with words, and he wasn't going to try. Instead he just pulled her onto his lap, eternally grateful no one was around to see this break in his character.
Time slipped away, and Jax didn't move. Pomni had fallen asleep on his lap. Almost… almost as if she felt safe with.. him. But he was surely mistaken. She was probably just.. tired. But all the same, Jax bent forward and took in the gentle scent that was Pomni as he kissed her forehead before he could stop himself.
His cheeks reddened slightly as he looked up, his eyes boring through the screen in front of you. “Don't you dare tell anyone.”