Chapter Text
The first mistake was letting Theo Raeken have access to a microphone.
The second mistake was realizing he was actually good at it.
The third mistake—according to Stiles —was not taking the microphone away before he started calling it “a structured trauma discourse platform.”
“It’s not a podcast,” Derek said flatly.
Theo looked up from where he was adjusting audio levels on Stiles’ laptop. “It’s absolutely a podcast.”
“It’s a cry for help,” Derek corrected.
Stiles, lying on the couch with his feet on Derek’s coffee table like he paid rent, raised a hand. “Counterpoint: it’s content.”
Derek stared at him.
Stiles stared back.
“Don’t say it,” Derek warned.
“It’s content,” Stiles repeated.
Derek closed his eyes like a man preparing for war.
Scott walked in carrying groceries and immediately stopped.
“…Why is there a microphone in my house?”
Theo didn’t look up. “We’re recording episode one.”
Scott blinked. “We are what now?”
Stiles sat up immediately. “Surprise! We’re launching Beacon Hills’ first supernatural trauma podcast!”
Scott slowly turned toward Derek.
Derek pointed at Stiles. “Don’t look at me.”
---
EPISODE 1: SO I WAS EVIL, TECHNICALLY
**[00:00:03] Theo Raeken:**
> “Hi. I’m Theo Raeken. I was manipulated into killing my sister and then resurrected as a supernatural experiment.”
**[00:00:09] Stiles Stilinski (off mic):**
> “You can’t just INTRODUCE YOURSELF LIKE A LINKEDIN PROFILE FROM HELL.”
**[00:00:12] Scott McCall:**
> “Are we supposed to… follow a format?”
**[00:00:14] Theo Raeken:**
> “Yes.”
**[00:00:15] Derek Hale (in background):**
> “No.”
Theo ignored him.
“I’m trying to establish consistency,” Theo said.
Stiles leaned into frame. “Consistency died in Beacon Hills like twelve near-death experiences ago.”
Scott sighed. “That’s not even accurate.”
“It’s undercounting,” Lydia’s voice came from the doorway.
Everyone turned.
Lydia Martin was already holding a mug.
She did not look surprised. She never looked surprised anymore.
“This is a bad idea,” she said calmly.
Theo nodded. “Yes.”
Stiles grinned. “But profitable in an emotional damage kind of way.”
---
The first episode somehow still got uploaded.
No one admitted who pressed “publish.”
Peter definitely did.
Episode 1 Reaction Thread (Group Chat)
**Stiles:** WHY IS IT TRENDING
**Lydia:** I told you it would be a bad idea
**Scott:** people are asking if we’re real
**Theo:** we are not answering that
**Peter:** I am answering it
**Derek:** don’t you dare
By morning, Beacon Hills had a fandom.
None of them were emotionally prepared for that sentence to be true.
---
EPISODE 2: ALPHA LEADERSHIP, BUT MAKE IT EMOTIONAL
Scott did not want to be on the podcast.
Scott was on the podcast anyway.
Theo had said the words “leadership perspective” and Stiles had physically shoved Scott into a chair like it was an obligation of rank.
“I don’t talk about this stuff publicly,” Scott said immediately.
Theo adjusted levels. “You’re talking into a microphone right now.”
“That’s different.”
“It is not.”
Stiles waved a hand. “Scott, just trauma-dump politely.”
Scott looked deeply betrayed by the concept.
Derek stood in the kitchen, arms crossed, refusing to participate while still clearly participating.
Liam was in the corner whispering, “this is insane,” like he hadn’t lived through worse.
---
**[00:02:11] Scott McCall:**
> “I’ve died a few times. I think. I stopped counting.”
**[00:02:15] Theo Raeken:**
> “That is a concerning sentence.”
**[00:02:17] Stiles Stilinski:**
> “That’s alpha leadership baby.”
**[00:02:19] Scott McCall:**
> “That is NOT alpha leadership.”
---
Peter joined halfway through without invitation.
No one stopped him.
That was mistake number four.
---
EPISODE 2 COMMENTS (LIVE CHAT FEED)
* “why does the angry one sound like he’s flirting with trauma”
* “is derek hale real or an urban legend”
* “THE GREEN EYES GUY JUST APPEARED???”
* “I think the blonde one is the only sane one?? (she scares me)”
---
EPISODE 3: I DON’T HAVE TRAUMA, I HAVE “SITUATIONS”
Stiles’ episode was not planned.
That should have been the first warning.
Theo had labeled it “special guest: chaos management consultant.”
Stiles labeled it “me finally getting paid for emotional labor.”
Derek labeled it “a felony.”
---
**[00:00:01] Stiles Stilinski:**
> “Hi I’m Stiles and I have survived—like—an unreasonable number of supernatural events.”
**[00:00:04] Theo Raeken:**
> “Please quantify ‘unreasonable.’”
**[00:00:05] Stiles Stilinski:**
> “No.”
---
It started funny.
It did not stay funny.
Not when Stiles said:
> “I got possessed and almost killed my friends and I remember all of it.”
The room went quiet.
Even Peter didn’t interrupt.
Scott stopped breathing properly for a second.
Derek’s hand curled slightly on the counter like he was grounding himself.
Theo, unusually, didn’t speak.
Stiles cleared his throat.
“Anyway,” he said loudly, “moving on before I emotionally spiral on mic.”
---
Afterwards, the episode was 45% more downloaded than the others.
No one discussed why.
---
EPISODE 4: WE INTERVIEW A WEREWOLF THERAPIST (IT’S PETER)
Peter showed up uninvited again.
That was becoming a pattern.
“I am uniquely qualified,” Peter said, settling into the chair. “I have survived death, resurrection, and all of you.”
Lydia walked in, took one look, and walked back out.
No one blamed her.
---
**[00:03:02] Peter Hale:**
> “The healthiest coping mechanism is dominance hierarchy adjustment.”
**[00:03:04] Stiles Stilinski:**
> “That is NOT therapy.”
**[00:03:05] Peter Hale:**
> “It is for wolves.”
**[00:03:06] Derek Hale (off mic):**
> “Stop talking.”
---
Comments:
* “why is the old one hot but also terrifying”
* “I think the tall angry one might kill him”
* “WAIT IS THIS REAL???”
---
EPISODE 5: THE INTERNET FINDS DEREK HALE
Derek did not speak in this episode.
That made it worse.
He existed in the background of three different clips:
* making coffee
* glaring at Theo
* rescuing Stiles from falling off a chair
That last one went viral.
Immediately.
---
**[00:01:22] Theo Raeken:**
> “The audience seems very interested in Derek Hale.”
**[00:01:24] Stiles Stilinski:**
> “They have taste.”
**[00:01:25] Derek Hale:**
> “No they don’t.”
---
Comment section:
* “WHO IS THAT MAN”
* “he looks like he hunts people for fun”
* “I can fix him”
* “no you can’t”
* “I don’t want to fix him I want to run into the forest with him”
---
Derek turned off the router later that night.
It did nothing.
The internet had already seen him.
---
EPISODE 6: NOBODY IS JOKING THIS TIME
Theo didn’t plan this episode.
No one did.
It started like normal.
Then Scott stopped joking.
That was the first sign something was wrong.
---
**[00:04:10] Scott McCall:**
> “Sometimes I think I stopped being scared of dying a long time ago.”
Silence.
Not edited silence.
Real silence.
Even Stiles didn’t interrupt.
---
**[00:04:18] Scott McCall:**
> “I just got scared of leaving people behind.”
Theo didn’t speak for a full eight seconds.
Then:
**[00:04:26] Theo Raeken:**
> “That is… not what I expected.”
**[00:04:28] Stiles Stilinski:**
> “Yeah, welcome to Beacon Hills emotional realism, buddy.”
---
That episode did not trend.
It lingered instead.
---
EPISODE 7: THE FINALE (ACCIDENTALLY HEALTHY)
Stiles uploaded it without telling Theo.
It was not labeled.
No title card.
No intro.
Just audio.
Laughter in the loft.
Derek sighing.
Scott complaining about coffee.
Malia chewing something aggressively.
Lydia saying “this is a terrible idea” for the hundredth time.
Peter arguing with a microwave.
Liam yelling about licorice again.
Theo didn’t understand why it hit harder than everything else.
Stiles did.
“Because,” he said, watching the waveform scroll, “we don’t sound like we’re dying in that one.”
Theo looked at him.
Stiles shrugged.
“We just sound like idiots.”
Derek, from across the room:
“That’s worse.”
“Objectively false,” Stiles said.
But he smiled anyway.
---
The podcast didn’t stop.
It just stopped being important in the way Theo thought it would be.
It became background noise.
Something they did between hunts.
Between nightmares.
Between surviving.
Sometimes people asked if Beacon Hills: Unfiltered was real.
Theo never answered.
Stiles always did.
> “Unfortunately.”
Scott always added:
> “Mostly.”
And Derek?
Derek just shut the laptop and walked away.
But he never told them to stop recording.
Not anymore.