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The third time Stiles brought it up, Derek tried to confiscate his phone.
It did not work.
Mostly because Stiles had already backed everything up to three separate devices and, according to Lydia, “emotionally committed to the bit.”
“I found something worse,” Stiles announced one evening, bursting into Scott’s house like he owned it. “Actually, I found *several* things worse, but this one is the worst in a fascinating way.”
Liam immediately groaned. “No.”
“Yes,” Stiles said brightly. “We’re reading more fanfiction.”
Scott sighed. “Stiles…”
“It’s research.”
Peter, already seated, clapped once. “Finally, consistency.”
Derek slowly lowered his head into his hands.
Malia looked up from eating chips. “Do we fight it?”
Lydia didn’t look up from her book. “We’ve tried. It makes it worse.”
Theo, stretched out on the couch, tilted his head. “Are we doing commentary or suffering in silence this time?”
“Yes,” Stiles said. “Both.”
---
Fic 1: *“Beacon Hills High: No One Is Normal and That’s Okay”*
Stiles read the title aloud with reverence.
Scott frowned. “That sounds optimistic.”
“It’s a lie,” Liam said immediately.
The fic opened with:
> “Scott McCall was the kind of person who apologized when *other people* tripped.”
Scott paused. “…I do not do that.”
Everyone stared at him.
Scott looked around. “…I do that.”
“Character consistency,” Lydia said.
Theo nodded thoughtfully. “That tracks.”
Derek muttered, “He once apologized to a wall.”
Scott pointed. “It was a very aggressive wall.”
---
Fic 2: *“Derek Hale’s Emotional Range: 1 to Grunt”
Derek immediately stood up.
“No.”
Stiles pulled him back down by the sleeve. “You don’t get to opt out of your own literary analysis.”
“I didn’t consent to being studied.”
“You became a public figure when you moved into Beacon Hills,” Peter said helpfully.
Derek looked personally betrayed by geography.
The fic continued:
> “Derek Hale did not speak often. When he did, it was usually a warning or a threat or both.”
Liam snorted. “Accurate.”
Derek glared at him. “I talk.”
“When?” Malia asked.
Derek opened his mouth, then closed it again.
“…Exactly,” Peter said.
---
Fic 3: *“Thiam but they don’t know how feelings work”*
Theo perked up immediately.
Liam groaned. “Oh my god, not again.”
Stiles grinned. “Oh yes, again.”
The fic described:
> “Theo Raeken had the emotional intelligence of a raccoon and the flirting habits of a war criminal.”
Theo nodded approvingly. “Fair.”
Liam snapped his head toward him. “You *like* that description?”
“It’s honest.”
“You are not a raccoon.”
Theo tilted his head. “Prove it.”
Liam looked like he wanted to evaporate on the spot.
Scott whispered, “This is getting worse.”
“It’s getting *accurate*,” Lydia corrected.
---
Fic 4: *“Sterek AU: enemies to roommates to something deeply concerning”*
Derek closed his eyes instantly.
Stiles read anyway.
> “Stiles Stilinski talked too much. Derek Hale talked too little. Somehow, they communicated exclusively in tension and near-death experiences.”
Peter hummed. “Poetic.”
Derek muttered, “I hate this planet.”
Stiles was grinning now. “Oh, wait for it.”
> “They argued constantly, except when they didn’t, which was worse.”
Liam squinted. “That’s just you two being emotionally unstable.”
Stiles pointed at him. “Thank you.”
Derek sighed. “We are not ‘roommates.’”
“You live together emotionally,” Malia said.
“That is not a thing.”
“It is online,” Stiles said cheerfully.
Derek stood up again.
“I am leaving.”
“No you’re not,” Lydia said without looking up.
He sat down again.
---
Fic 5: *“The Pack Realizes They’re Basically a Sitcom”*
Silence fell.
Scott leaned forward. “Are we?”
“Yes,” everyone said immediately.
Scott deflated slightly. “Oh.”
The fic described:
> “Every supernatural crisis lasted three episodes longer than necessary because someone in the pack would start an argument about snacks.”
Malia nodded. “True.”
Liam frowned. “We do not argue about snacks.”
Peter slowly held up a bag of chips.
Liam paused.
“…We *strategize* about snacks.”
Theo smirked. “That’s adorable.”
Liam glared at him. “Stop being weirdly smug.”
Theo leaned back. “Can’t. It’s canon.”
Liam made a sound of pure suffering.
---
Stiles eventually closed the laptop, satisfied.
“Okay,” he said. “I think we’ve all grown from this experience.”
“No,” Derek said immediately.
“Yes,” Stiles corrected.
Scott rubbed his face. “I feel like the internet knows us better than we know ourselves.”
“That’s because it’s written by traumatized teenagers,” Lydia said calmly.
Peter smiled. “So… accurate, then.”
Liam stood up. “Next time Stiles finds something online, I’m moving to another continent.”
Theo tilted his head. “I’ll come.”
Liam froze. “Why?”
Theo shrugged. “Fanfiction says we have unresolved tension. Might as well explore it.”
Liam slowly sat back down.
Stiles, unfortunately, started laughing again.
And Scott just quietly accepted that this was his life now.