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The Eridian atmosphere didn’t do Simon any favors when it came to his chronic pain.
He had explained to both Ryland and Rocky back on the Hail Mary what happened to him, what he was put through. The psychological impact was insane bare minimum, but the physical damage was not the kind Simon was supposed to survive.
Before the SM-13 Simon would rate his daily pain at three out of ten most days. The base level of constant starvation, injuries from battles he couldn’t recall winning or losing at this point, and the overall existence in a place not made for him made the pain consistent but not overwhelming. After the SM-13 however he’d say easily a seven out of ten daily.
Ryland was glad the Hail Mary had a few years worth of oxycodone for Simon to be able to work through, plus some morphine drips for when times got tough. Times got tough often.
It wasn’t a total surprise when he found out that the Eridian’s were trying to help breed a marijuana plant on Simon’s request. Simon and Rocky had spent time going through one of the laptops together for lots of things including pain relief ideas, no doubt they came across THC and CBD. Once the plant was actually alive and stable it got planted in a small corner of the garden in the bio dome.
Simon tended to that part of the garden when he had his good days. He’d harvest the plant and he’d smoke it. At first he was smoking it using pages from a bible on Hail Mary, but eventually Rocky made Simon a pipe, so he’d do a mix of both. Simon told Ryland there was something cathartic in using the bible pages for his joints, and having heard where Simon was from it made sense.
A few times a day when he was physically able Simon would make his way down to the beach, far enough from the house and far enough from where Ryland taught the pebbles. He told Ryland it was so he wouldn’t be affected by the smell, but Ryland didnt care. He would sit on the ground and smoke a joint or use his pipe. Sometimes he would sit close enough to the water to let it wash over his feet.
Other times, like today, Simon would sit in the water as he smoked. His entire lower half was drenched, thank god his prosthetic arm was water proof, but he didn’t seem to mind. Ryland tried not to stare at Simon as he smoked most days, but it was hard on days like this. A part of him was so worried Simon would drown, so he sat on the stairs to watch him from a far.
He watched as Simon smoked three joints, all that he had on him at the moment. Typically when Simon was done smoking he would make his way back inside, the furniture was more accommodating to his body, but he didn’t move once he finished the third. The waves crashed over his body again and again, and he was just unmoving.
Simon was just staring out at the water, unbothered by it coming in and out around him. Ryland was glad he convinced Rocky to raise the water temperature just a bit more, it wasn’t a sunny day but the water wasn’t freezing. He waited to see if Simon was going to return back to the house, but nothing.
Ryland eventually made the call to go down to the beach himself, using his own cane on the way down. His chronic pain wasn’t as bad as Simon's not by a long shot, but the Erid gravity was getting to him too. Some days he used the cane, some days he didn’t. He tended to have more good days than bad.
He tried to be a mix of loud enough that Simon could hear him coming, but not loud enough to actually bother him. When he was less than ten feet away from Simon he stopped.
Simon wasn’t in that deep, maybe only a foot or two of water. It was still deep enough that Ryland slipped off his shoes and rolled up the edges of his pants so as to not get them wet. He didn’t acknowledge Ryland as he stepped into the water, he just spun the small lighter between his fingers. Ryland stepped closer to Simon so he was only a couple feet behind him, ready to help with anything if needed.
“Simon.” Ryland said carefully, but there was no response. He could see that Simon was still breathing, his eyes were still open. “Simon.” He repeated again. This time Simon made a very small
“Hm?” Noise, but Ryland didn’t entirely hear it over the crashing waves. Ryland was growing concerned by this point. So again Ryland repeated.
“Simon.” This time Simon snapped his head back towards Ryland, fire spitting in his words instantly.
“What, what the fuck do you want?” And then as sudden as it came the anger disappeared, quickly replaced by regret. “Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to be harsh.” Simon mumbled before he let his normal hand run over his face. His shame was always quick to take over.
“Are you okay?” Ryland asked, not bothered by the outburst due to the quick apology. Simon had been working on not reacting out of anger, something he often did as a way to mask whatever else he was feeling.
“Yeah fine.” Simon replied a little too quickly. Ryland stepped beside Simon before he stuck his cane down into the sand and water, water proof thanks to Rocky, and he bent down to Simon’s level. Ryland knew him well enough to know something was wrong.
“Si.” Ryland whispered softly, tilting his head a bit as if to say ‘you expect me to believe that?’
“I’m fine.” Simon snapped, the anger rising once more. He felt it in the back of his throat, saw it in the look Ryland was giving him, he was not a good liar and he didn’t even like lying. “Sorry, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be mean, I promise.” Simon turned the lighter around in his hand a bunch of times, never quite stilling.
“What’s going on?” Ryland asked, hoping Simon would either give an answer or at least stand up soon so they could walk out of the ocean. He could see how Simon’s hands were shaking and assumed he was cold.
Simon had this look on his face, the same one he had when he explained about what happened down in the Iron Lung, the same one he had when he explained about Filament Station and Eden. It was a haunting one, full of sorrow, grief, and regret.
“Everything I guess.” Simon eventually shrugged. This wasn’t necessarily helpful.
“What do you mean everything?” Ryland questioned and Simon sighed, running his hand over his face. “I’m just trying to help.”
“I never asked” Simon started, anger in his tone again but he cut himself off before he finished that sentence. He took a sharp breath before trying again. “I dunno Ry, everything just feels off, and I don’t know what’s up, so I don’t think you can help.”
“Well let me try. What’s feeling so off, what are the main things that feel wrong?” Ryland asked as he slightly repositioned the way he was squatting down as to relieve pressure building in his legs. Simon’s eyes flashed for a second as he watched Ryland do it, maybe a bit of guilt for making the man have to stay positioned like that.
“I dunno, I guess it’s the fact that I was never supposed to live this long.” Simon stated, but they had this conversation already. It’s not that Ryland didn’t want to have the conversation again, but it was a heavy one, full of regrets and diminished hope.
“Simon.” Ryland said firmly, knowing where this was going. They could at least move inside before they continued this.
“And the fact that the Eridian’s have been so kind, they’ve given everything we’ve needed. It just feels so wrong to me, so unnatural at this point. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this, so it’s wrong that it is, and living is so tiring.” Simon continued anyway.
“Simon.” Ryland said softer this time. Simon finally met his eye and they stared at each other for just a second before Simon continued. Ryland didn’t try to stop him this time.
“I’m so fucking tired Ryland. I’m tired of being in pain, I’m tired of being a burden just by existing.” Simon complained, the frustration seeping in his voice.
“You’re not a-”
“You don’t consider me a burden because you love me, you don’t see me as a chore, but others do. I do. My body doesn’t work, the only thing it’s good for is reminding me of what I was forced to survive and go through. I am broken, I can barely function on a day to day basis. The most I can do most days is smoke and some days I can’t even do that. I stopped being useful a long time ago. And I’m so tired of it.” Simon finished and Ryland could see how tired Simon felt.
As a scientist Ryland knew there were multiple ways of being tired, physical, mental, or emotional. Most people feel tired in one or two ways, Simon felt it in all three. It wasn’t hard to notice, being next to him right now.
Simon’s eyes had bags, he hunched forward like it was too much effort to sit up fully. It took work for him to speak, for the emotion to come through, consuming whatever energy he had left. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t left the beach yet.
“I know you’re tired, and I’m so sorry that you always are, but you are so strong Simon. The fact that you still exist, the fact you have survived what you have, is incredible. It’s a miracle that you have lived Simon.” Ryland tried to reassure.
“But I don’t want to live like this, I don’t want to live, Ryland.” Simon snapped, full venom in his tone. He didn’t apologize for the anger.
Ryland stayed silent. They had this conversation before, about being tired of living in pain, but it never reached this point. He supposed they had always kind of beat around the bush, subtext was there, but this was hearing Simon truly, truly, admit it for the first time.
There was something so heartbreaking about it, about hearing the only person you love tell you they don’t want to live anymore.
Ryland had students in the past mention to him how they felt, desperately asking for help before they ended their own lives, asking a teacher as a last resort. He also knew each way the original crew of the Hail Mary were going to kill themselves, the drugs, the gun, but something about this felt so rotten and near. The words plagued him deeper each passing second.
Ryland dropped his cane fully into the water and sank to his knees beside Simon. He reached over and forced the man into a hug, holding him tightly and not wanting to let go. He might have been crying, but he could blame it on the ocean.
Simon on the other hand was crying, starting to break down as he tried to hold onto Ryland as tightly as he could. His sobs were loud, he wailed against Ryland’s chest, his shaking consumed them both. Simon was so desperate for something in this moment, relief from it all at the top of his list, but he knew it was unobtainable.
So he just continued to cry. He let himself feel everything painful, he acknowledged the pain in his body instead of running from it, and he just let himself fall so heavily in Ryland’s arms.
Ryland just tried to soothe the ache he knew he never truly could.