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“I’m not coming with you.”
“Jiang Cheng! What about the things we’ve gone through? Our parents' dogshit parenting, our shijie’s near death experience, our graduation, our-“
“Jesus fuck shut up.”
“-tennis classes, our swordsmanship classes, o-“
“FINE. I’ll come if you’ll shut up.”
With a shit-eating grin, Wei Wuxian skipped out of Jiang Cheng’s room like a toddler who had just been given a comically large rainbow lollipop. Jiang Cheng let out the fattest, biggest groan as he flopped down onto his mattress (Wei Wuxian used his bedframe for making bombs. Don’t ask how you nosy ass bitch.), which had replied with an even louder squeak. Feeling his phone beside him vibrate, Jiang Cheng picked it up to see that Wei Wuxian had sent him the full details.
At least he’s not braindead, thought Jiang Cheng before opening the map link.
82 kilometers away from you!
“WEI. WU. XIAAAANNNNNN!!!”
———
Curse the heavens (sorry xie lian!), curse hell, curse everything.
Jiang Cheng — who was wearing a basic baggy shirt and pants — looked at himself in the changing room's mirror, reflecting on all his life choices that had led up to this moment. He breathed out a sigh before jumping at the sound of Wei Wuxian’s very loud voice.
"I'M REEAADDYYY!!!!”
Preparing himself for the worst, Jiang Cheng turned around to see Wei Wuxian in a fucking bright tutu. The worst part? He actually didn’t look like unicorn shit and actually fitted the damn thing (although of course jiang cheng would NEVVERRR tell that to wei wuxian’s face). Jiang Cheng’s face went through the five stages of grief as he tried to think of any reason his brother would do this even though he knew damn well that this is just something Wei Wuxian would do “for the sillies”. He wouldn’t be shocked if he said something craz-
“They ran out of anything else, so I ended up just wearing this!”
It was an actual breathing, living, kinda valid reason. From Wei Wuxian. Who frequently blows up houses for fun.
“….Right.”
They walked out of the changing room only to see Nie Ming-fucking-Jue in the studio in ballet clothes. Holy shit. Behind his bulky figure was Nie Huaisang, who looked like he was the one dragged into this. Although, it’s common knowledge that Nie Mingjue would be the one forc-
“Huaisang. You need to do more ballet for strength training.”
Apparently not!
Wei Wuxian leaned over to Jiang Cheng’s ear and (not so) whispered, “I thought he was literally the definition of like that thing.. uhh… oh right!! Toxic masculinity!” Nie Mingjue must’ve (very obviously) heard this from across the room and turned his head at Wei Wuxian like he was ready to qi deviate. Fortunately enough, Wei Wuxian was one of the few people Nie Mingjue respected for his so called “bravery” in bombing other peoples’ houses without fear, saying it was “a brave act” (his house wasn’t bombed cause wei wuxian’s ahh was too scared). So naturally, Nie Mingjue gave Wei Wuxian a thumbs up instead of a beating.
“Instructor Lan is about to come in!”
Hearing the surname, Wei Wuxian poked at Jiang Cheng with a shit eating grin. Lan wasn’t a super rare surname, so both of them knew it wasn’t who they thought it was and casually shrugged it off.
STUPID ASS BITCHES.
Jiang Cheng’s jaw DROPPED to the floor with a thud when he saw THE Lan Wangji walk in like he owned the place.
No — scrap that — he probably DID own the place!
What’s worse was that Wei Wuxian had put on that “DAMN IM HARD!!!” face he always made when he saw Lan Wangji, so Jiang Cheng knew damn well they were going to flirt this whole session. Jiang Cheng quietly shuffled closer to Nie Huaisang (who looked like he wanted to die) and shut his eyes in hope of a normal session (although he KNEW that wouldn’t happen).
“Welcome to How to Ballet 101.”
“Who the fuck came up with that stupid ass na-“
“Jiang Cheng will be the first one in the execution line for breaking rule 369, 278, and 1383.”
“WHAT THE FU-“
“Get into groups of 3. Now.”
Nie Mingjue, Nie Huaisang, and Jiang Cheng all got into a group while Wei Wuxian was with a long browned haired guy — who did not seem prepared for Wei Wuxian — and another long black haired guy who was all sunshine and rainbows (too bad wei wuxian would turn it into stormy rain and the wish to die!).
Eavesdropping on Wei Wuxian’s group’s conversation, Jiang Cheng could only describe the feeling in his stomach as pure fear.
“Or I put bombs outside of their house!”
“Well I think bombs are lovely!” Brown hair guy piped up.
“Or wind! Lots of it! Lots of it.” Jiang Cheng regretted eavesdropping on his brother.
———
Jiang Cheng had never felt more regret and anger within the span of 30-fucking-something minutes.
Whilst Wei Wuxian was busy flirting with Lan Wangji, Nie Huaisang pulled a giant bird out of his sleeves. Unfortunately for everyone in the room, it had decided that it was the perfect time to free itself from Nie Huaisang’s horrible parenting and flew with maximum speed in the enclosed space, leading to feathers going everywhere on Jiang Cheng and pierced eardrums from the squawking. Of course, this was also the best, most wonderful and perfect timing for Lan Xichen to walk in. He glanced at Jiang Cheng’s group, then at Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, who looked like they were about to get it on, and then at the two other random guys who were whispering in each other's ears as if the fatass bird wasn’t loud enough to block their talking out. Taking a deep breath, Lan Xichen left just as quick as he came in.
Just as Jiang Cheng was about to accept his fate, Lan Xichen came back in with his hands behind his back. He slowly took out whatever he was hiding and everyone went quiet.
Lan Xichen was holding a fucking gun. Not just any gun, but a real, working gun.
“I appreciate your effort to make our studio more… erm…. lively, but please consider our low budget and other classes.”
The fuck is this man on about? Thought Jiang Cheng, his face shifting through various stages of confusion. Low budget? For a Lan? Those two words did not sound like an actual sentence when put together. Not only that, but the idea of there being more classes nearby who had to deal with their loud ass chaos was more amusing than anything.
The second Lan Xichen left, everyone in the room seemed to disregard what he was saying and continued panicking or being close to having literal intercourse in front of like 5 people.
This was very obviously a fuckingly stupid choice.
This time when Lan Xichen came back, he was not his usual serene, calm self and rather looked like Lan Wangji when he looked at Jiang Cheng. He held up his gun and finally pulled the trigger. Scariest part was that he fired 7 fucking shots. Watching as Lan Xichen left the room without a word spoken, Jiang Cheng was in awe of the silence and also probably hard from actually seeing him be visibly pissed off. (un) Fortunately, his daydreaming was quickly interrupted by Nie Mingjue, who seemed to be the only voice of reason.
“Lets…pack up.”
Silently nodding, everyone returned to the changing rooms — with the exception of Lan Wangji — and solemnly changed back into their clothes with the same demeanor of Lan Wangji.
That was until the fucking bird came into the room.
Jiang Cheng watched as Brown Hair Guy’s change of clothes got shredded into actual dust by the bird, who seemed to have a particular hatred towards him. Just like his clothes, he got pecked on the head multiple times by the little shit and Jiang Cheng swore he could see blood. The frenzy quickly ended, (thank god) and as if this was a normal occurrence, Brown Hair Guy pulled out another change of clothes and casually continued like he hadn’t just faced a life or death situation. On its way out, the bird had rammed its head into the doorframe and collapsed with a thump. Walking over, Jiang Cheng had realised that it was fucking dead.
“Huaisang..you might wanna come over and see this..”
Nie Huaisang dramatically collapsed on his knees with despair in his eyes once he had seen the bird. He wailed and cried out its name — JiJI — until his voice ran hoarse and his sorrow drained him of his tears. He held the corpse in his hands, cherishing it as if it would fade into ashes once handled too roughly. By the end, all he could do was keep his head down and stare at the lifeless shell of what used to be JiJi, the light in his eyes slowly fading as he recounted the moments he had spent with him. Their first encounter, their ups and downs, even the time when JiJi had ran away.
“The hell? He got that bird like, yesterday..” Wei Wuxian whispered into Jiang Cheng’s ear, clearly unbothered by the scene that he was witnessing.
“…Here I was, actually thinking it was a childhood pet or something. But again, there’s no way Nie Huaisang could raise a pet without it dying within at least one day.” Jiang Cheng not-so-whispered, rolling his eyes as he watched Nie Huaisang cradle the corpse. Although he felt a little bad, Jiang Cheng would never actually admit that, not when its about Nie Huaisang crying over a pet he owned for a day.
Jiang Cheng turned around to grab his bag and go until he saw Black Haired Guy sniffling and all that shit.
“Shi Qingxuan there's NO WAY you’re crying over HIM.” Wei Wuxian whisper-shouted, his face contorting into genuine confusion, and for once, Jiang Cheng actually agreed. Who decides to cry over some guy’s dead bird? Black Hai- Shi Qingxuan then burst into full tears, wailing just like Nie Huaisang did 10 minutes ago.
Jiang Cheng quickly snapped out of his thoughts once he heard very familiar footsteps approaching. Grabbing his bag and turning around, Jiang Cheng dragged Wei Wuxian with him in an effort to make it out of the hellhole before he would have a bullet in him. Unfortunately, he had been too late as he crashed into Lan Xichen, who was holding a fucking sniper rifle. Jiang Cheng scoured through his mind to find at least one valid way to prevent the early death of him and his brother.
“Oh right!”
“Hm?”
Jiang Cheng, who was the only sane person in the room, had remembered that Lan Xichen had a weak spot that nobody else knew of despite how common it was. Lifting his knee, Jiang Cheng destroyed his boyfriend’s balls and sprinted out with his brother in hand as if Lan Xichen could recover from that within less than two days. Looking behind him, Jiang Cheng shouted a quick “Sorry!” then continued running until he had reached his and Wei Wuxian’s home.
“Jiang Cheng what the fuck?!”
“Bitch you know damn well I was not going to die because of Nie Huaisang and some other guy — Shit Queerxuan or whatever — crying over a ugly ass, fat, lumpy bird.”
“Oh. Fair enough!”
Walking to the door, Wei Wuxian patted for his keys in his pockets before looking back at Jiang Cheng with a horrified expression.
———
“Did we really have to do this?”
“Didi, it’s all part of the plan!”
“We could’ve just rang the doorbell.”
Jiang Cheng looked up at Wei Wuxian, who was on his shoulders trying to climb up their garden fence even though it was taller than both of their heights combined. He sighed in exasperation before giving in to his aching muscles and lying down, causing his brother to topple to the ground.
“Ow- FUCK!”
Wei Wuxian winced as he sat up, his back aching as if it wasn’t something he was used to. Jiang Cheng closed his eyes, ignoring his brother’s complaints and decided to accept his fate.
Until his lord and saviour decided to show up.
Jiang Yanli, his dear sister, opened the door and looked around just to notice a very tired Jiang Cheng and a whiny Wei Wuxian. Like a puppy, Wei Wuxian had stood up as if 5 of his ribs didn’t just turn into dust. Jiang Cheng couldn’t bring himself to stand up, not when Lan Xichen was probably on his way to his home in rapid speed. Opening his eyes, he had realised that he was very much right. Maybe a little too right.
Above him was Lan Xichen who seemed to be in perfect condition, looking down at Jiang Cheng as if he didn’t threaten the lives of five people. Jiang Cheng groaned and covered his face with his hands before making sure he wasn’t hallucinating.
“So why’d y-“
“I kicked your balls because I didn’t wanna die. If you’re gonna kill me now then at least do it in bed or some freaky shit like that.”
Lan Xichen gave Jiang Cheng a questioning look, like he never did anything related to even owning a gun.
“Why would I kill you?”
“Cause I was near Shit Queerxuan and Huaisang?”
“You weren’t the one making the noise though?”
“Oh.”
Jiang Cheng gave his boyfriend a “You could’ve told me” look, which sparked a laugh from the other. Jiang Cheng grabbed onto Lan Xichen’s hand and pulled himself up. Dragging him by the hand to the entrance of the house, Jiang Cheng turned around with a tense, serious look.
“You better follow up on that freaky part though.”