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Roman is doing jack shit. He has been for most of the past almost three years. Connor is in Slovenia doing… well nothing particularly smart but it makes him happy. Kendall is doing well, in some fancy rehab clinic in Denmark under the care of Stewy, whether that is a good thing or not remains to be seen. And Shiv gave birth 2 and a half years ago, to a girl named Rose, the spitting image of Shiv. He’s the Godfather, unfortunately he is a deadbeat Godfather, who attends Christmas and her birthdays. He has a myriad of excuses, which range from his various ‘business’ meetings all over the globe, to Shiv and Tom’s disastrous but still somehow alive marriage, to his inexperience with kids, but really it’s just because he’s almost visibly afraid of the little girl and what she represents.
Roman is just about to sit down for another long night of jack shit when his phone begins to buzz in his pocket and Shiv’s contact- a picture of them as kids, smiling with spaghetti sauce all over their faces, they look ridiculous. It makes Roman smiles, has he gone soft? Probably, but Shiv went soft first anyways, had a whole damn baby with a little pastel nursery and a billion little toys.
Shiv speaks before Roman can think of a stupid one liner, “Roman!” On the other side of the line, Shiv sounds stressed.
“Siobhan to what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Can you babysit tonight?”
“Can I— what the fuck?” There is no way Shiv is asking this of him.
“We’re going to the RECNY ball. Someone needs to watch Rosie.”
“Wasn’t that a Dad thing?”
“Yeah well, Tom’s the new Dad now. It’s a family unity thing apparently.” Tom is trying to cosplay Logan Roy and it is not going well. To his credit, his father managed to take to the whole tyrannical monster thing like a fish in water. Tom is not so lucky and he and Mattson are clashing more than ever.
“Ew is that like a girl-Oedipus thing?”
“Can you fuck off?”
“Sure.” He’s not the one that’s desperate for a babysitter now is he?
“Trust me I’d much rather stay with her. Fuck off, Just can you?”
“Does she not have a nanny? I know you’re doing the whole ‘actually spending time with your kids’ parenting style, but she does have a nanny? Are you too afraid Tom’s going to fuck her?”
“She’s sick.”
“Isn’t there a back up?”
“Obviously not.”
“Connor?”
“Slovenia.”
“Willa?”
“Slovenia with Connor, or Milan without him.”
“Fuck, can’t you just fly in Tom’s parents? Is there even an airport in Butt-fuck hicksville?”
“Are you serious? There’s no time anyways.”
“Jesus, you tried that? Am I that low on the list?”
“Rava is in California with Iverson and Sophie is…”
“Come on! Sophie outranks me?”
“Yes! You’ve been nothing but vulgar this entire call!”
“Did I beat out Kendall at least?”
“Fuck yes, fine!”
“You know, I might have plans, Siobhan. Just cause you are all boring and mom-y doesn’t mean we all are.”
“Cancel them.”
“What if I was drunk or high?”
“Oh God, you’re not! I can’t do this.”
“I’m not! Who do you think I am? Kendall?”
“I’ve got so much shit to do. Tom is so pissed. I sent a car for you. Please?” She’s babying her voice ever so slightly, he’s willing to bet that she’s pouting, trying to garner any older brother sympathy that she still possesses. Whether or not she is being entirely truthful is debatable.
Either way it works like a charm. “Shivvy… I’m already in the car, okay? 15 minutes?”
“Fuck you Roman, you are actually the worst!”
“I’m going through a tunnel!” He makes fake static with his mouth, “You’re breaking up!” He ends the call and laughs to himself.
---
He’s supposed to be rushing, which he is but he makes the driver stop at the nearest pharmacy and picks up a little teddy bear— on clearance from Valentine's day. He throws a 20 on the counter and runs out to the car. He’s pretty sure her birthday is sometime in March. He doesn’t remember what day though. He might be a terrible uncle.
Roman hesitates in front of the front door of Tom and Shiv’s, but mostly Tom’s now home. If it can be called that. He has attended meals here, usually only on Christmas, and he doesn’t necessarily like it. The place looks fine, well decorated, but there’s a pit that forms in his stomach, whenever he walks through the door. He can try to remind himself that this isn’t Gstaad, or the Hamptons, or Bali, but it won’t shake the feeling that something bad happened here in his childhood, something bad will happen to his sister, his niece. But he made a promise to Shiv so he takes another step.
“Hi!Hi!” Roman says, letting himself into their new triplex. Rosie comes running, an existing stuffed animal in hand and pajama clad, only to be stopped in her tracks by the unfamiliar person in her house. He should really stop by more often. “Um, hi Rosie?” He kneels down to her level. He feels woefully unprepared for this. Rosie is almost identical to Shiv at that age, her life might be entirely shitty, but at least she doesn’t have to go through life with Tom’s looks. He would never tell Shiv this, but when Rose was born she had looked kind of like an alien or an old man or something. He came to the hospital and made some shitty jokes all the way through, but also when he had held her for the first time, the little baby had just about taken his breath away. One thing that she did get from Tom at least is her height, she’ll be taller than Roman before he knows it.
The toddler takes a big, deep breath and yells at the top of her lungs, “Unca Roma! Mama!” the force of which nearly knocks him off his feet. “Mama!”
At the toddler’s screams, Shiv comes rushing towards her daughter, fully dressed to the nines, and scoops up the little girl. Unfortunately, on her heels, is Tom in a full tuxedo and a perpetual grimace.
He doesn’t even make eye contact with his wife, instead he just kisses his daughter’s head. Tom looks like he might say something to Roman, before shaking his head and walking right past him, towards the door, kissing his daughter on the top of head. “Come on Siobhan, we’re already late.” He closes the door slightly too hard. Shiv rolls her eyes and turns back to Roman. She doesn’t bother saying hello to her own brother.
“She has had dinner, but if she’s hungry there’s snacks in the pantry. You only have to have to hang out with her for like half an hour and then you can put her to bed.”
“Easy enough.” Truthfully, he is fucked, he shouldn’t be allowed to take care of a fish, much less a toddler and the apple of Shiv’s eye.
“Um, if you fuck anything up, call me and 911. But don’t do that, please.” Roman nods. She bends down to pick up her daughter, “Alright, Rosie, you’re going to be good for Uncle Roman, right?” Rosie seems more concerned with the hair clip in her mother’s hair, trying to pull it free. Shiv pulls it out of her hair and puts it in her daughter's chubby little fist, then looks at Roman again, “Make sure she doesn’t break that, yeah?” Then she kisses her daughter’s forehead and tries to put her down but the toddler holds onto her mother with a death grip. Shiv’s jaw tenses and she looks like she might bolt with her daughter in her arms. “Roman? Could you take her?” He puts his arms out for the toddler who hesitates but then lets herself be taken. Rosie looks like she’s about to start crying and Shiv doesn’t seem that far off either. “I love you, sweet girl.”
“Mama…”
Roman exhales, he doesn’t do well in tense situations. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone loves each other, boring! Don’t call, at all! Go do your thing.” Shiv kisses Rosie’s cheek once more and then Roman’s too surprisingly. “Siobhan go.” Roman’s sister sighs, she’s more tired looking than he remembers, likes she’s fading away. She’s only really alive with her daughter. But it isn’t his place to comment, Shiv won’t want to hear it, anyways.
The door clicks and then Roman realizes that there’s no one else in the house except for him, a dog and a toddler in his arms. A toddler who is now crying her eyes out at the fact that her mother has left. One who now looks at his dumb, perverted, childish ass for comfort. Which would not be a problem for an experienced babysitter, hell, Sophie could probably figure it out better than him. So he says the first, not vulgar, thing that comes to his mind, which just so happens to be, “Are you hungry?” Rosie thinks about it for a moment, sniffs and then proceeds to wipe her entire face across the shoulder of Roman’s t-shirt, which is disgusting but at least she isn’t crying anymore. Rose lets Roman put her down and make his way towards their kitchen. Rose follows on his heels with Mondale directly behind her, which is likely good because Roman is more than likely to forget her somewhere. When he finally finds the kitchen and the pantry which takes him an almost embarrassing amount of time, he busies himself with finding the baby snacks which goes much better, being that they are in a bin labelled ‘Rose’. He takes one container out, opens it and gives one to the toddler, who gobbles it up. And then another. And another. Roman gets curious, the bottle says it’s apples and peaches, which he doesn’t mind, so he pops one into his mouth. And then he sees the spinach and broccoli. If Shiv was here, she would definitely make fun of him for not eating his vegetables.
“These are fucking gross! Your mom feeds you this shit?” Rosie looks confused. He lets the cracker drop out of his hand but Mondale catches it before it hits the ground. For an old dog maybe he can teach him one new trick. So he takes another from the box and throws it up in the air. Mondale jumps up and catches it. And Rosie just about loses it in a fit of giggles. “You like that? I mean I guess that was kind of funny. Should I do it again?” Rosie claps her hands as Roman throws another one at Mondale, he doesn’t catch this one, instead it bounces off his nose and the mutt scrambles to catch it. It doesn’t matter to Rosie though as she toddles over to Roman and reaches for the bottle, “You want a turn?”
Rosie nods, “Yeah!” Rosie lets Roman pick her up and guide her little chubby baby fist up to throw the treat at Mondale, whose tail is wagging wildly. When Mondale is finally satiated and they are out of puffs, Roman puts the empty bottle down, Rosie who has giggled so much her little cheeks have turned as red as her hair, but now she yawns and rubs her little eyes. “Oh shit, you should go to sleep, shouldn't you?”
Rosie nods “Shit.” Though it comes out more like ‘hit. Shiv is going to kill him. He is not going to be allowed to babysit again.
“Oh, fuck.” He didn’t want to babysit in the first place.
“Fuck!” Rosie agrees. Roman is decidedly fucked.
“Can you not?”
Rosie seems confused, “No?”
“Oh okay, got it. Come on.” He follows Rosie and Mondale to her bedroom. At least they seem to know what to do. He watches Rosie try to brush her teeth and pick out another stuffed animal from the pile that has accumulated in the corner of her room. Then she goes to a book shelf and picks out a book, holds it upside down like she’s examining it, then decides it’s adequate and then toddles back over to Roman. “Oh, okay. So do you like get in your bed and then I just read?” Rose nods, hands him the book, and climbs under the covers. The book has a dragon on the cover, a promising start in Roman’s opinion. “Okay, Elizabeth was a beautiful princess…” The book ends up with the Princess defeating the dragon and kicking the asshole prince to the curb. This would be a very good lesson for his niece, if of course, she hadn’t fallen asleep by the third page. So Roman tries to tiptoe out of the room, not very gracefully but he tries, and somehow succeeds to not wake up the sleeping toddler. He pads out to the sitting room and sprawls himself across the chaise lounge. He decides to watch tv, that seems like something a babysitter would do right? He won’t even watch porn, unless of course Tom has left some on the tv for him. He’s that good of a babysitter. He doesn't even get to scroll through his options before behind him he hears a familiar shuffling of both little child feet and those of paws. Rose and Mondale are in front of him in a second, staring at him. It takes him to remember that he is the adult in this situation.
“What the hell are you doing up?” Rose rubs her eyes, “I swear to God you were asleep. Well come sit.” The toddler walks over, teddy bear and blanket in hand to sit right beside him. “Do you like cartoons?”
“Yeah? f-f -uck?”
“What did you just call me?” He chooses not to tell her off, it would be more funny to let Shiv do that. There is a chance she’ll say it in front of Tom which leaves him with a certain sense of unease. He’s fairly certain Tom isn’t Logan Roy but he still bristles. Rosie looks young, younger than he ever was, and it’s terrifying to Roman.
The cartoon he chooses is not meant for kids but Rosie doesn’t seem to mind as she looks intently at the colours and the shapes move on the tv.
“Oh! It’s your mom! What does she want?” Roman opens his phone, Rosie leans in as well even if Roman is pretty sure she can’t read yet. 'I am going to kill myself.' Roman laughs, maybe a bit too loudly and Rosie laughs too.
'That bad?' He replies
'Yes, I’m going to take Tom with me.'
'I have no objections to that.'
'Is she asleep?' Roman looks at Rosie, who looks back at him with big, tired, blue eyes.
'Yes.'
'Good, thanks Rome. '
'Anytime.'
Rosie drifts off to sleep again this time in Roman’s arms and Roman finds himself trapped so he closes his eyes too.
Roman wakes up to someone hitting him, hard. When he opens his eyes, though, he sees Rosie still fast asleep curled into his side, which leads him to looking up at where Shiv is standing above him, looking annoyed. “Good morning! You were supposed to put her to bed, in her bed.”
“I did! She lasted like a minute.” Shiv is still scowling, Tom didn’t come home with her, but Roman will choose not to mention that part.
“Yeah, I guess she’s not used to sleeping alone.”
“Or maybe she just wanted to hang out with her favourite person in the entire world!”
“Fuck okay, I grow her for 10 months, push her out through my vagina and breastfeed her for a year, but you’re her favourite person?” Roman makes a face. Then Rose opens her eyes, sees her mother and immediately reaches up for her, Shiv’s face lights up and she picks up her daughter. “Hello, baby! Did you have fun?” The toddler nods and Roman feels vindicated. “That’s good, sweetheart. Mama missed you so much, you know.”
“You’re good at this.”
“What, Roman?”
“The whole mothering thingy? You’re like really good at this.”
“I am trying. More than Mom did. It freaks her out.” Their mom wasn’t perfect, but Roman thinks she loves them, but he’s entirely certain that Siobhan loves her own daughter.
“It’s working. She's… well adjusted, I mean kind of… you know?”
“Yeah, yeah, one night with my child and you’ve gone all soft and mushy, it’s gross, she must be magic.” Then she turns to her daughter and whispers in her ear, “You hear that? You’re magic.”
“Now you’re being weird.”
“Just get out of my house, huh?”
He thinks about asking her something along the lines of where’s your husband? Or is it bad like it was with Mom and Dad, does he throw his tumbler of scotch at the wall beside your head or beat your daughter with a slipper until she cries? But all he chokes out is, “What do I not get paid? I believe 15 an hour is in line with industry standard.”
Shiv scoffs, kicking him with her high heel as hard as she can without losing her balance with her daughter in her arms. “Are you seriously that bad off already? It’s been what 3 years!”
“Fine, but you need to buy better snacks next time.” Shiv rolls her eyes again.