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They say love is the most powerful force of all. It heals you, untangles your complicated relationships, and fuels your perseverance. It soothes your wounds, dissolves fear, and softens the hardest of hearts. Its very existence is universally recognized, and it is a popular ideal among young people, including Kaveh and Alhaitham.
Between the two of them, Kaveh believed in its existential power the most. He believed love could heal even the most broken heart. Ever since he was a child, he thought that having someone who truly loved you could fix any problem, his parents' relationship as living proof of it.
But after his father died, he started to doubt it. He waited for days and months, but love did nothing for his shattered heart. He watched his mother fall into a deep depressive state, barely able to do the things she once loved. He tried his best to comfort her, pouring out love to ease his mother's grief—because, after all, love is powerful... right?
However, no matter how hard he tried, nothing changed. That was why, even when it felt agonizing to let go, he still agreed to let her move to another country for a new beginning. From that moment on, he learned that love could also be hurtful, capable of inflicting the deepest wounds.
Looking back, this was not the love he had envisioned in his childhood. He never expected it to be the thing that would hurt him so deeply. The love he once believed would fix any problem had scarred him instead. Even so, he clung to that belief. He told himself that maybe it just takes time. Maybe it won't come quickly and he needs to be patient with it.
As days turned into months and years, his belief began to fade. But just when he thought it was time to dismiss it entirely, he met Alhaitham.
When they started dating, Kaveh began to feel what love felt like once again. Nothing had ever made him happier. Alhaitham's love soothed his broken heart, protected him from his past, and comforted his scarred soul. This was the love he had always envisioned; the kind found in literature and academic studies, the kind people talked about, the kind that had once healed his mother.
Their love for each other continued to grow and develop. He felt Alhaitham's love so purely, marking the first time in his life he had ever experienced such a bond. He felt incredibly happy whenever they were together; his heart was always at peace in Alhaitham's presence. He never wanted this feeling to end.
"We should break up."
Kaveh never imagined he would be the one saying those words. Whatever happened to believing that love could fix any problem? What happened to love being able to heal you?
Alhaitham looked at him in utter confusion. His forehead slowly creased as he opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.
"Alhaitham, let's end this relationship. Let's break up," Kaveh said firmly, though he refused to look him in the eye. He felt the warmth of tears forming slowly, struggling to keep them from falling.
"What happened...? Did I do something?" Alhaitham asked, still bewildered. He reached out for Kaveh's hand, but Kaveh immediately pulled away. Alhaitham flinched at the gesture, feeling a sharp pang of hurt. He tried to recall everything that had happened over the past few days, but he couldn't find a single thing that could lead to this.
Kaveh shook his head, a sob escaping as he fought to control his emotions. He wanted to explain everything to Alhaitham without breaking down, but it was just too difficult.
"No, no, you didn't do anything wrong. It's just.. I am. I am the problem–"
"Kaveh, you're not..." Alhaitham cut him off, reaching out again, but Kaveh avoided his touch and continued to shake his head. Tears fell one by one as he struggled to maintain his composure.
"It is me," Kaveh sobbed, forcing himself to keep talking. "I thought I'd be able to fix myself. I thought love could heal me from being so broken. But it doesn't change anything. I still feel so alone, even when I know you're right here by my side. I still overthink everything the moment I'm left alone." He continued to cry, and Alhaitham felt a profound sense of failure, helpless to comfort the person he loved so purely. Though his mind screamed at him to do something, no words came to his lips.
"I thought having you was the best thing that ever happened. And it really was. I love you, Alhaitham. I love you so much, but I'm just not good enough yet." Kaveh continued, wiping away the tears that kept falling endlessly.
"Kaveh, you are enough for me. If you feel like you're not, know that you always are to me. You don't have to do anything to prove yourself. Who you are right now is already enough," Alhaitham tried to reason with him, but Kaveh seemed entirely set on his decision—which only pained Alhaitham more.
"It's not like that. Haitham, the problem is I am too broken inside. I thought our love would heal the parts of me that were severed. I thought that being with you would help me erase my inner battles. I thought the love I've always dreamed of would help me stop the overthinking, and silence my insecurities and past wounds. But I was wrong. I realized that only I can fix myself. I depended on you too much, to the point where I forgot how to feel whole on my own."
"I'm scared that we'll come to a point where I may end up hurting you unintentionally because of the never-ending battles inside me. I don't want this love to journey how to find my own cure to this sickness. I don't want to grow resentful because you can't fix me. I don't want your efforts to be in vain just because I keep avoiding my own reality. I don't want you to start feeling the way I do. I have to deal with what's happening inside me first, in order to deal with the love that you're giving so purely."
"I love you, Haitham. Truly. That's why I'm doing this. I don't want you to keep pouring your love into someone who is still so broken inside. I have to heal myself first, so I can give you the love you actually deserve. I don't want you to be broken with me. I don't want you to settle for someone who still has his own battles to fight. You deserve the kind of love that you give."
And that's it. Kaveh finally managed to let it all out. All those years, of trying to keep it inside to hide the very emotions he doesn't want to let out. Afraid that the love he had known all along would eventually prove him wrong. Because the most important thing that he failed to learn about love was prioritizing oneself first, before giving it to others.
He had crucified himself for so long that he had forgotten how to forgive himself. He had kept himself from healing, treating everything else as medicine while neglecting his own well-being. He had failed to look after the innocent child inside him who was still hurting from the past. He had continued to ignore his own cries and inner voice. He knew how to help anyone but himself. By constantly doubting and blaming himself, he had forbidden his own pain from speaking—refraining him from voicing out his own burden. His explanation. His side of the story.
All the questions tangled inside his head struggled to unravel, with answers nowhere to be found. He had failed to notice the heavy burden he had been carrying this entire time. As these realizations slowly invades his juggling thoughts. Overwhelming him thoroughly and crashing in all at once. Realizations that he'll never be able to find the cure on someone; that no matter how loved you are, it won't be enough for your broken pieces. Nothing would ever be enough, until he learned to heal himself.