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Illuga felt something clawing inside him.
It was irrational, he knew that very well. There was absolutely no reason why he should feel threatened in the slightest.
And yet…
Illuga had come to visit Flins impromptu. He hadn't given the man any warning, so really it was Illuga's fault for not giving him some kind of notice. Sure, Illuga normally visited Flins on Thursdays every single week for the past three-ish years, but he normally reminded the man before he came! Truly, there was no reason for him to be bothered by the fact that he showed up to find that Flins wasn't alone. There was no rule that said Flins had to be free of all distractions and pay all his attention on Illuga when he visited, that would be completely absurd. Illuga was just a friend, a colleague.
So when Illuga did show up and see that Flins was entertaining Jahoda, Lumine, and Paimon, it should have been fine. After all, they were his friends too, right? Everyone here was friends to varying degrees!
But you didn't fight alongside them, Flins had made you leave. The rest of them got to stay and fight alongside him, while you had to twiddle your thumbs waiting an ocean away, useless, praying to whatever divine force who would listen that Flins would be safe.
Illuga's jaw was tight as he greeted them all and dropped off some supplies and paperwork for Flins. He insisted on putting the supplies away himself so that Flins could continue hosting his guests, and he excused himself soon afterwards. Paimon and Jahoda questioned him the loudest, but Lumine and Flins looked disappointed by his rush. He didn't back down to stay though, he'd rather not bring down the mood while that ugly feeling was so strong in his gut. He smiled at them all apologetically with an excuse that he was too busy and just wanted to make sure he brought Flins some more supplies. Then quick as he came, he left, his pace uncomfortably rushed along the beach back to the nearest dock. He just needed to go home and cool off.
That had been embarrassing… Though no one had asked him about it.
It happened around the knights too.
The Knights of Favonius loved to celebrate and share their joys with those around them. This was a good thing, Illuga and the other ratniki were quite endeared to the knights after fighting alongside them these past few years. After a harsh battle shared, it was common for the knights to insist the lightkeepers come out with them for some drinks.
Illuga didn't normally go, he didn't enjoy drinking all that much, or at least not what the knights had to offer and the Flagship unfortunately didn't always have good mead. Still, both Varka and Illuga's own squad insisted he come and take a break. Even if he didn't want to drink, he could relax and have some good food with good company. It should have lifted his spirits and, at the beginning, it did.
But Flins showed up and was roped in on the fun.
This should have been a good thing. In fact at first Illuga was delighted to see the other and even told the man himself as much. Something shifted however as the night lingered on. Maybe it was the pint of ale he got, even though he knew it was too weak to do anything to him. Maybe he was just a little under the weather.
Maybe it was Varka's arm around Flins' shoulders talking directly into Flins' ear. Maybe it was how Flins was just smiling in amusement and letting him like it was the most natural thing in the world. Illuga knew Flins wasn't drunk, he didn't think Flins even could get drunk, he just liked pretending to be after his second glass or so. Illuga had known that, that Flins was sober, but was Varka fooled? He didn't know.
But the closeness between the two of them was killing him.
Illuga began laughing and smiling less and less, then engaging less all together, until he was just curled up practically brooding over his pint at the bar, sounds of revelry behind him. After finally finishing the food he'd gotten over an hour ago (long gone disgustingly cold), he chugged the remains of his ale and stood. He didn't want to be here anymore, he stopped enjoying himself ages ago but couldn't will himself to get up until his chest ached. No one had even spoken to him in a while. Maybe he looked as gloomy as he felt.
And no one seemed to notice him pay him tab or put his coat back on at the door. No one stopped him from leaving. None of them would notice his absence.
He bit down on the inside of his cheek to force a neutral expression as he walked through Nasha Town down to the port. He needed to catch the last ferry to Piramida so he wouldn't have to come back to the bar again…
Now Illuga should have known better with this one… He knew Flins had become a bit closer with Miss Lauma and Miss Nefer. He was very well aware of it, so surely Illuga should be happy about it too, right? That was what friends were supposed to feel, right? to feel joy upon seeing their dear friend having more friends, after seeing how lonely he used to be?
Illuga barely listened at the Guild meeting, instead focusing on the very important matter of Aedon sitting in his lap wanting pets. It would actually be cruel of him to not shower his precious nightingale in affection, so he was blameless.
But afterwards, right after stepping outside, he caught Flins talking with Lauma and Nefer. Flins didn't attend meetings, Illuga was the lightkeeper holding that seat, but Flins had been waiting outside anyway, just to talk to Lauma and Nefer. It sounded like Lauma and Nefer were having a petty argument and Flins was joining in for the sole purpose of seeing what annoyed reactions he could get out of Nefer without overstepping and having the target put on himself. It was a fun game the three had by this point, he'd seen it play out once or twice before. He didn't like it then either.
His fists clenched and he suppressed a glare.
It wasn't fair to anyone, this vile venom in his stomach. Lauma and Nefer were nothing but kind to him so far and he would like to treat them both the same… but how could he when seeing them just talking with Flins so casually made him want to drag Flins away from them by his hair?
What was wrong with him?
"I'm the leaf nearest to you, aren't I?" is what Illuga had said to Flins once… Flins had of course given him a non-answer, not anywhere near the validation he was looking for, even if truly getting that kind of validation right in front of Lumine would have been embarrassing the moment he'd look back on it.
But really… Wasn't he the closest?
He used to be, before everything ramped up in Nod Krai. He used to be the person Flins spent the most time with, at least not counting the ghosts. Times changed and Illuga was being outmatched. He felt left behind.
He swallowed down bile and walked away. Aedon settled on his shoulder and nuzzled against his neck to comfort him. His nightingale knew him too well, they were connected after all, he knew exactly what ailed his human partner. He whispered a thanks and scratched the bird's chin.
He didn't look back to see if Flins noticed him. He didn't want to set himself up for the disappointment.
It was probably for the best that Flins got closer to others over him anyway. If Illuga was feeling like this over a couple close friends, then maybe Illuga was getting far too selfish. Illuga had no right to hoard Flins' time all to himself, he was just his coworker. Flins wouldn't even call him by just his name, not even when Illuga explicitly begged him to.
Who had he been kidding anyway?
All he was was an excited kid who made constant excuses to deliver supplies to someone who was barely even trying to hide that he didn't need any of it, but what too polite to admit it.
He always thought Flins was lonely and that he enjoyed Illuga's visits, but if Flins' time was filled with so many more people, where was the room for Illuga? Did Illuga even deserve a space at all if this was how he was reacting?
"Are you feeling alright, my boy?" Nikita sat down beside him in the mead hall, a comforting hand on his back. "You're glaring into that cup like it kicked a puppy."
Illuga didn't flinch from surprise, he was a bit too tired for it. "Ah, sorry, pops, I just…" He sighed and bowed his head. "It's not anything important. I'm just a little frustrated over something."
"Does this something happen to involve a certain bothersome old soul we both know?" Nikita asked with a knowing grin.
Illuga felt himself flush. "It's nothing Sir Flins did…"
Nikita's laugh boomed in the empty hall. "Hah! I knew he had to be his fault my poor little bird was so gloomy." His hand rubbed soothing circles on his back. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Pops, do you think I'm…" He frowned and looked up at his dad, brow furrowed. "Am I selfish?"
Nikita silently blinked at him for a moment before he burst out laughing, deep and bellowing. "Illugi, hahah-! You're the most selfless, self-sacrificing person I've ever known!" He smiled fondly when he settled back down and pet the top of Illuga's head. "Everyone in Piramida, especially myself, have spent years trying and failing to spoil you out of that. I would love for you to be more selfish."
Embarrassment burned his cheeks and he couldn't keep eye contact anymore. He turned back toward the table to grab his glass and actually drink the water he'd been blankly staring into for who knows how long.
"So what exactly did that fool do to make you start getting wrinkles this young?" Nikita leaned on the table.
"It really isn't anything Sir Flins did, I've just found myself a bit-" Illuga started, but didn't get to finish.
"Oh my, might you two be talking about me?" Flins stood in the entree-way to the hall, hand on the door frame as he trailed around it.
"Flins! What the hell are you doing up in Piramida?" Nikita eyed him suspiciously, but the smile never left his face. "Don't tell me you're actually filing your own reports for once?"
"Well you see, my dear Starshyna, I unfortunately had not received any supplies the past two weeks, so I thought it best to return for a quick visit." Flins hummed happily, innocently.
Illuga's eyes widened.
Two weeks?! He had been avoiding Flins for two weeks??? He never meant to neglect his duties along with the distance! He was barely even conscious of the distance!
"Sir Flins, I am so so sorry!" Illuga pushed himself to stand. "Forgive me, I don't know how time got away from me to such an egregious degree."
"It's nothing to worry about, Young Master." Flins held a hand over his heart and bowed at the hip. "Just being in the presence of your warmth for but a moment more than makes up for my twiddling stock of lamp oil."
"I had a bag prepared at home and everything to bring next time I was able." Illuga groaned in frustration. "I'll go get it for you! It's missing the soup I planned to make for you, but there's dry rations."
Flins couldn't suppress the grimace on his face. His voice fell quieter. "…We're past pretending I need the dry rations, right?"
Illuga's eyes widened. "You hate them that much to admit it?"
"I'll gladly attempt eating whatever you wish to make for me of course, Master Illuga, but please," He smiled fondly. "Unless you're punishing me for something, I'd rather those rations go to squads that need them."
Nikita snorted into his hand before standing up himself. "Illugi, why don't you take the afternoon and go back with Flins?"
"Huh?" Illuga's eyes snapped to his father.
"Clearly this pathetic man," He clapped Flins' on the back. "Missed you enough to risk having to do actual work at headquarters."
"You are far too cruel to me, old friend." Flins huffed a soft laugh, completely unaffected by Nikita's strength which would knock a normal person of Flins' build three meters forward.
"Besides you need the break, clearly." Nikita sidestepped Flins to put a hand on Illuga's shoulder. "I can get your work done. Take the day." Then he subtly nodded his head toward Flins and Illuga had to duck his head to hide how his cheeks burned.
"Y-yeah, if you're sure." Illuga suppressed the nervousness that bubbled up in his chest. He really was an open book, at least to Nikita. "Thanks, pops."
"Well then," Flins gestured to the door when Illuga looked at him. "Lead the way, Young Master."
Illuga tried to push aside the excitement in his just, he was just too pleased about getting Flins' attention to himself. Was there any truth to Nikita saying Flins missed him? It was said in jest, he was just teasing Flins, but the thought of it made his chest flutter.
It also made him feel a little pathetic though admittedly. He avoided Flins without even thinking about it for a fortnight over such petty and childish reasons, punishing himself and inconveniencing Flins for reasons that felt out of control.
He kept all of that inside as he chatted with Flins on the walk to his house. It was light and casual, full of Flins' usual teasing and flowery language that lead Illuga into a million directions despite his best efforts. Flins was a bit… kinder than normal today however, not trying to get a rise out of Illuga. Uh, not that he was ever mean or anything!
It almost felt like he was tiptoeing around Illuga, like he thought if he pushed a little too far in any direction that Illuga would push him away and hide for a few more weeks.
By the time they got to Illuga's front door, the guilt was consuming him from the inside out. He didn't let it show through his smile.
Flins awkwardly stood in the doorway when Illuga walked in.
Illuga scoffed a laugh. "You know you're always welcome here, Sir."
Flins perked up and blinked at him owlishly before his smile grew softer. "I'm honored, Young Master." He put his hand over his heart and bowed his head before he stepped in and shut the door behind him. "Pardon my intrusion."
"I intrude on you all the time." Illuga shook his head fondly and went to grab his bag. It was still left on the kitchen counter, waiting for him to put containers of soup inside that he never made. He mentally chastised himself before reaching inside to take the dry food rations out.
The realization just set in that Flins had just casually admitted to Illuga that he wasn't human… The thought thrilled him. Sure, he still didn't know exactly what Flins was, though he had theories, but he had plenty of time to ask. For Flins, he'd be willing to wait as long as it took for each kernel of truth the man was willing to share.
"Yes, but you always have a good reason for paying me a visit." Flins watched happily as Illuga unpacked the unsavory rations and set them onto the counter.
"Are you saying that you coming here for supplies isn't a good reason?" He paused and raised an eyebrow.
"I could just as easily have gotten lamp oil in Nasha Town, no?" He leaned over the counter, head pillowed in his arms so he could look up at Illuga for once. "Is it so hard to imagine that the old man's assessment was correct?"
Illuga's cheeks flushed. "You… You're saying you missed me?"
"Am I?" His eyes glinted in the light coming through the window.
"…I really am sorry I haven't come to see you, Sir. I just…" He tried to busy himself with the bag, but there was nothing left with it to do. He fiddled with the straps after he closed it up, anything to not look Flins in the eye.
His father's words echoed in his head: "I would love for you to be more selfish."
"I think I was being a bit selfish with you before." His shoulders deflated. "It wasn't a very pretty feeling."
"Oh?~" Flins' growing grin was loud and clear without having to see it.
"I felt myself getting a bit frustrated whenever I saw you were enjoying yourself with anyone other than me," He picked the bag up and slung it over his shoulder. He didn't look to see Flins' face, he walked right past him out of the kitchen. "Which isn't particularly fair to you or anyone else involved… Though I suppose not coming to visit you wasn't fair either."
Flins' eyes burned against his back. His silence made Illuga's heart feel like it was going to explode.
"I know it's pretty immature of me." He forced a closed eyed smile back over his shoulder. "You have nothing to worry about though, I won't let something like that keep me from visiting again."
"Illuga." Flins was suddenly right behind him, looming.
Illuga felt like a jolt of electricity went up his spine and he jumped a step forward before spinning to face the man. Flins never called him by just his name. The sound of it felt like he was being yanked by a chain towards the other.
"Perhaps I have been taking our time together for granted." He reached up and gently brushed Illuga's bangs aside before holding his cheek. "Had I any idea you felt this way, I would have given you more of me."
"You shouldn't want to give yourself to me, Flins." Illuga's cheeks must've been the same shade as his earring, but he still smiled up at him instead of shying away. "I don't think I'd ever be able to let go."
"I trust myself in your capable hands." He leaded down to press his lips to Illuga's forehead, before he stepped back and let go, leaving Illuga cold. "Perhaps we should depart now? We're far less likely to have this discussion interrupted in my humble dwelling than in yours."
"Oh!" Illuga blinked as awareness returned to him. "Yes, right, that's- ahem… That's a good point. Let's go."
He dared to take Flins hand in his to lead him out of the house. He tried very very hard to ignore Flins' happy smile and he tried even harder to ignore anyone else looking at them on the way out of Piramida. Every time nervousness and doubt crept in and told him to let go, Flins squeezed his hand and the feeling ebbed.
Maybe Illuga had nothing to worry about from the start.