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There’s a knock on the window pane.
He turns around to see golden horns, silhouetted in the dusk light, quickly fading, backlit by the softly running reflection of the thames. Ryuko.
Her face is draped in shadows, and the only thing that's visible is her shining gold eyes, glittering in the twilight. He smiles, pushing back the schoolwork on his desk, and gestures for her to come inside. She does, after a moment’s pause. He smiles at her, but it falters when he takes in her stance.
Her posture is slumped, her shoulders drooping, as if under some invisible weight. She looks grey-ed out and tired. And then he realizes that this is not a good visit, for not a good reason.
And that she, Kagami, must be incredibly sad.
His chest tightens.
He knows, is all too familiar, with her drop in moods, the crushing despair and sadness that she falls under at times. Something that would be called depression, in a person with less pride.
His heart aches for her, because, after all, he loves her more than words. He hates to see her in pain. But he’s learned, too, that this, like all too many things, isn’t fixable just because he wishes it were so.
And so he sits at his desk, looking at her, waiting, while ryuko stands across the room from him, inky hair falling into her eyes, horns dipping and crestfallen. He watches her as she swallows. She takes a shaky step closer towards him, then stops again. Her hands are clenched.
“Do- do you love me?” she asks in a very low, quiet voice. She sounds as though she dreads the answer.
“I love you. So very much.” he says softly, the second bit added as an after thought. It's as easy as the sun coming up. He's said it many times. He'll say it a million more. As many times as she needs to hear it.
She nods once, eyes sliding shut. “Longg, rest the storm.” she murmurs, the magic dissolving around her. Long glances between them, an unreadable expression on the tiny ancient creature’s face, before he darts away, probably going off to wherever dusuu has gone.
Felix doesn’t turn to see where he goes. Kagami stands, slumped in front of him, bangs falling in her eyes, hands clenched. Wordless, he stands, going over to her. In front of her, he pauses.
When she raises her head, her eyes are bloodshot.
He exhales. And, ever so gently, he tugs her into his arms.
Kagami doesn’t cry. She never cries, or very nearly never. Or rather, she doesn’t let him see her cry. He knows very well that she does in fact cry when she’s alone, the red eyes being the case in point.
But she doesn’t cry now either. For a moment she just stands there, rigid in his hold, before she lets go of whatever breath she’s holding, and slumps against him.
He hums gently, running his hands softly over her back, up and down in gentle rhythmic movements.
She’s shaking, and there’s a slight tremor in her whole body. Whatever’s happened, it’s very bad, he knows. But he says nothing, and after a very long time Kagami manages to quit shaking.
She’s wordless, silent, and gently he tugs her over to his desk, and, very carefully, sits down and sort of scoops her up so that she’s draped over his lap. It’s made much easier than normal because of her silent, slumped, bonelessness.
But he stays quiet and doesn’t comment on it. He just tugs her closer to him, their warmth bleeding together into one, in the hopes that this will be enough to sooth her, to bring back even a hint of a happier Kagami. She lets out a quiet sigh and shuffles closer into him, which he takes as a good sign.
One hand rests on her legs, and the other at the curve of her neck. He gently rubs his thumb against the hair at the nape of her neck, trying to think soothing thoughts while he does so.
They both have these particular spots that they like, and Felix isn’t sure if it's tied to their miraculouses or not. There’s places on his lower ribs that are particularly sensitive now, and Kagami really likes the nape of her neck, rubbed like this, and the side of one of her hips.
Sure enough, after a while it seems to do the trick, and Kagami snuggles harder against him, pressing her face into the side of his neck.
She breathes deeply, like she’s trying to inhale him. Her breath is hot, left over from being Ryuko. He smiles faintly when she lets him lace his fingers with hers.
“What do you want?” she asks faintly, her voice cracking from lack of use. “Like, in general?” he asks lightly, though he thinks he can guess at her real meaning. “From me.” she says, eyes blinking.
He exhales slowly through his nose, and knows that he’s going to have to be so careful about what he says, so as not to upset her further. Gently he shifts, hands slipping to wrap loosely around her waist to keep her from falling off. “What do you mean?” he asks carefully.
Her eyes are dark.
“From me. Us.” she pauses, a falter in her eyes. “Because lots of people would say you want things like, sex, or manipulation, or a trophy.” Her arms slip around his shoulders, fingers gripping into his hair.
“Why do you love me?” she asks, her voice a ghost of a whisper in the dim room, lit only by the puddle of light cast by his desk lamp.
He smiles faintly.
“Are you asking me what is love?” he says quietly, smiling faintly.
She curls against him, cheek pressing against the collar of his shirt. There’s no heat of anger between them, just the dull blue of extreme sadness. He sighs, shifting his weight slightly and holding her closer, as he thinks about what to say. “I mean, I could say it’s because I think you’re the prettiest person in the world, but there’s quite a lot of pretty girls that I do not like at all. Like Chloe, for example.” he hums quietly, and she is silent.
“Or I could say it’s of how incredibly smart and intelligent you are, but then again, I don’t really need to date a genius.” He sighs softly, and then looks over at her.
“I don’t really know, honestly.” he says, looking straight at her.
“All I know is that, when I saw you, and spoke to you, it was like the rest of the world just sort of fell away into nothingness. And I-” he pauses, becoming sort of uncertain.
He had looked away, but now he glances back at her face, to see that her eyes are wide and shining. Clearing his throat slightly, he does his best to continue.
“-and I, I really couldn’t think, or eat, or anything, without thinking about you, and- I guess. I think that’s love.” he finishes, rather lamely, in his opinion, but when he looks back over Kagami’s eyes are glistening.
“Maybe love isn’t even real. Maybe it’s all just fate. Or hormones.” he says.
She laughs, a faint, choking thing. He grins.
They lapse into silence. Kagami’s face is pressed into his neck, and so he almost misses her next, quiet words.
“Why doesn’t my mother love me?”
He shuts his eyes. His grip on her almost involuntarily tightens. There it was.
He sighs, fingers running over her hair. “She does gami.” he tells her gently. Kagami pulls back, her eyes red.
“She does love you.” he tells her again. Kagami blinks, the most upset he’s seen her. “But she said-” He takes her hand gently in his own. “Your mother is very harsh, and not very…open with her feelings. But she does.”
Kagami blinks once, hard, her face pale. Felix sighs. “Kagami, listen,-”
“I just don’t understand how she could make me, and then.” Kagami stops, and the words, Not love me, hang unspoken in the air between them both.
“I just…don’t understand.” Kagami says softly. Felix exhales. “After…my dad, died. Me and mum had a long talk. About that. And she said that…people. Do what they’re able. And some people just aren’t able to love very much, or at all. And sometimes it’s not enough. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t…” he trails off, stopping.
Kagami nods once.
“It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you.” he says softly.
“In her own, dried up, terrible sort of way.” he adds, and Kagami lets out another choking kind of laugh, almost against herself.
“I love you.” she says softly, a quiet, secret confession.
Their lips meet in a quiet kiss, his hands resting at her waist, her fingers tangled in his hair.
“Anyway, I take it your mother did something positively rotten again?” he says dryly, once they pull apart.
She smiles, with only a tinge of sadness. She shifts her weight slightly on top of him and he makes a face, making her giggle. “Would you mind terribly if we moved? My legs are going numb.” he complains. Her face is soft, and brighter, when she nods.
Her body is soft and relaxed when he gently picks her up and deposits her just as carefully onto his bed. He wishes that weren’t quite so easy, noting how light she seems. But Kagami is smiling again, and that beautiful luminousness is back in her eyes.
She lays back flat, head resting against pillows, looking up at him. He sits down on the edge of the bed, letting his fingers absently tangle with hers.
She sighs once, then tells him all of it.
Tells him about the sleepover with all the girls, and their parents, and her fight with her own mother, and marinette, and the storm.
He listens to all of it, only interrupting once to say, “Alya has how many sisters?”
Once she finishes, her expression is quiet.
He doesn’t say anything for a moment. He looks at their interlaced hands, thoughtful, thinking. Kagami watches him silently.
“I think a lot of you, you know. You’re such a good person. Kind and brave.” He pauses. “I agree with Marinette about that.” He thumbs her knuckles softly.
“Choosing that. Over what your mother wanted. Surviving with your kindness intact.” He breathes. “I think quite a lot of you.” he says softly, not knowing anything else to say. Kagami’s face pinkens slightly, and she looks away.
“Thank you.” she says softly, seeming rather embarrassed. He smiles faintly, and then he bends over, kissing her.
She returns it, hands cupping his face, slipping around his shoulders, pulling him against her. They kiss for another long while. He loves her. He thinks he’ll love her forever; or at least as long as she’ll let him. When they finally separate they’re both flushed and breathless.
Her eyes are shining like stars.
He kisses her again.
Deciding to make the most of her impromptu visit, later that night, (after Kagami had announced her presence and eaten a late dinner with mum and him and dusuu and longg) they decide to watch her movie, curled up on his bed, arm around her shoulders.
She’s tucked up tight against his side, and all he can think is that really this is much more than he deserves.
The movie is remarkably violent and dramatic.
They watch it. Her head is pressed into his shoulder. It ends. “Hm.” is all he says. She looks up at him sleepily.
The kwamis are fast asleep, curled up together in their little nook made of books and a fluffy pillow. “What do you think?” she asks, in between sleepy blinks. “It’s a- remarkably violent movie.” he remarks. She snorts.
Her arm tucks into his. She’s wearing his hoodie.
His heart feels full to the brim with…something.
He nods over at their sleeping kwamis. “I don’t think we’ll be able to wake them.” He remarks.
Kagami just hums, fingers tapping against the crook of his elbow. “I think you’d better fly back tomorrow morning.” he suggests. She smiles faintly.
“Oh?”
He nods, quite intelligently. “Oh yes. Just to be safe.” She smiles, curling into his side.
“Okay.”