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Hayden observed the living room in its natural state: toys all over, a hamper from an entirely other room upended and its contents spread, a fort built out of sofa cushions and the blanket that lived on the bench at the foot of his and Jackie’s bed, a completely unstable LEGO castle on the coffee table and four kids passed out amongst the carnage.
Arthur was under the coffee table, Ruby was in the pillow fort, Jade was strewn across him on the sofa, long legs dangling toward the floor, and Amber was curled up in a little baby ball in his best friend’s arms.
“Oh my God,” Hayden groaned. “They’re finally asleep.”
Shane laughed quietly, trying not to jostle Amber, who’d been the last to fall asleep. “It only took three hours.”
Hayden had to laugh just a little, too. “They’re monsters. But they’re the best.”
“Yeah, they’re pretty great,” Shane said, giving Amber’s back an instinctive rub. “Chaos. But great.” There was something wistful in the way he said that.
“You should give it a shot.”
Shane shook his head. “Not anytime soon.”
“No, you’d have to admit you’re actually seeing someone for that to happen.”
With a shoulder slump and sigh, Shane said, “It’s complicated. And private.”
Hayden noticed something in Jade’s hair, and began pushing the locks around. “Is that…a raisin? Please, be a raisin.” The alternative was way to gross to imagine. “Everything’s private with you, dude. I tell you like everything, and unless it’s about your parents or hockey, you’re a closed book.”
That wasn’t entirely true. Shane occasionally showed him texts that Rose sent him, if they were funny, talked a little about real estate and some of his brand deals. But his dating life was strictly off-limits.
Shane shifted, uncomfortable. “I’ve told you—I’m just not not ready to talk about it.”
Getting the brown…whatever it was (please have been a raisin!) out of his daughter’s hair, he put it in a tissue from the box next to the lamp. “It’s been YEARS.”
Shane smiled to himself. The weird Lily smile. Shane’s face wasn’t the most expressive, but if you knew him, you’d catch it even when he was trying to hold it back.
“Oh come on, man. You’re thinking about her right now.”
Trying to swallow the smile didn’t work. It was still there, just at the corners of his lips. “Fuck off.”
“Swear jar,” Hayden said with authority. “They WILL hear you in their sleep. Ask me how I know. Now, be serious. Are you EVER going to be ready to tell anybody about her? And if not, WHY?”
And that was it, Shane went from “closed off” to “a brick wall” in the flip of a switch. You had to know Shane to see him go from ‘not expressive’ to absolute stone.
“Alright. I’ll drop it,” Hayden told him. “That’s how it always goes, though, doesn’t it?”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
Hayden looked up at the ceiling for a moment in frustration. “Shane.. sometimes I get this weird feeling that you have this whole other life that no one knows anything about."
Why did Shane stop breathing and freeze the moment he said that?
He decided to push just a little. “So it’s not just Boston Lily.” Whom he wasn’t seeing in Boston anymore, but was still talking to, actually now more than ever. “You’ve got other stuff going on that you don’t tell me about.”
“Do you tell me everything?”
“Just about!” Hayden replied in frustration. “But at this point, bud, if you told me you had a secret family somewhere or something, I’d be like… yeah, that tracks.”
Shane shifted on the couch, careful of the near-one-year-old in his arms, so that he was facing his friend. “Hayden. I don’t have a secret family…”
“Just a secret girlfriend.”
“Lily isn’t—”
“Shane,” he said seriously. “Don’t.” His fingers worked through Jade’s hair, until he found another raisin. He was telling himself it was a raisin. “Listen. Do me a favor.”
“What?”
“Tell me one true thing.”
“About Lily?”
“About anything. And I’ll know if you’re lying, because you’re a terrible liar.”
Staring off into the distance, Shane thought about it. “Well… here’s something you can know. I mean, before the press conference.”
“Oh my God. Are you retiring?”
“I’m not retiring,” Shane said in an even tone. “I’m starting a charity.”
Hayden’s eyebrows shot up. “Huh. That’s great.” Unsurprising, though. Shane was a fairly nice guy. It’s something a guy like Shane would do. “What’s it going to do?”
The wall that had been erected a few minutes ago crumbled. He lit up. “It’s going to raise money for mental health initiatives. We’re going to run hockey camps and—”
Hayden held up a hand. “Wait. Who’s we?”
Shane instantly clammed back up again.
“Well, if you’re having a press conference, I’m going to find out anyway.”
The wheels were turning in Shane’s head even as he stared blankly at Hayden.
“Bud. Come on. Give me something, here.”
“Me and…” He mumbled something.
Burying another raisin in the tissue, Hayden put it down and held a hand to his ear. “Excuse me? It sounded like you said Ilya Rozanov.”
“I did,” Shane said quietly.
Hayden laughed once, loudly, then swallowed it, trying not to wake the kids. “Holy shit. You had me. No. Really. Who are you working on this charity with?”
“Ilya Rozanov,” Shane said with a resigned sigh.
Hayden grinned. “Is he blackmailing you or something? Using you to rehabilitate his image? Does he know about Lily? Is Lily his girlfriend?” It would explain why there was no longer a Boston in ‘Boston Lily.’
Shane shushed him. Actually SHUSHED him.
Hayden had only been teasing, but he had hit a nerve. “Ok, so which is it?”
“Lily isn’t his girlfriend,” he said hesitantly.
“But he knows Lily.”
Shane didn’t respond. That was a thing about Shane—he didn’t lie. He was terrible when he did, so that might be why he didn’t in most cases and chose to go for omission.
That was practically confirmation. “And he’s still starting a charity with you? I mean, if he’s blackmailing you or something, we can deal with it, right?”
“He’s not blackmailing me. He’s…not that bad.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“We got to know each other and he’s pretty ok.” But Shane wouldn’t look at him while he was saying it. Not that Shane was huge on eye contact. But this was different. Like Shane had way more to say than he was willing to let out. Something… emotional? That sort of thing always made Shane reticent. He wasn’t great at emoting.
Shifting himself as much as he could with a child sprawled across him, Hayden tried to face Shane. “Ok. This I have to hear. Tell me. How did you two get to know each other. Was it that year at the All Stars when you were on the same team? You two were like fire to watch. Even I will admit that.”
A small smile crept across Shane’s face, like there was some private joke, there. “Yeah, we, uh, had a long talk that year.”
“So you’ve been pals with Rozanov for literal YEARS without telling me? I’d be offended except I’m used to you giving me absolutely NOTHING personal.” He knew he was being way to loud if he wanted to keep these kids asleep.
“You SOUND offended,” Shane pointed out, his voice raising to match Hayden’s.
“Ok. I am offended. Why would you leave that out? And all the times you’ve called him an asshole between then and now.”
Shane grinned. “He IS an asshole.”
“Ok. But you said he’s not that bad. This is the guy who calls me the fifteenth best player on the team and told Stevenson over on the Crows he’d fuck his mom as soon as Stevenson was done.”
Shane thought about it. “Yeah, that’s on-brand.” But he was smiling about it.
“You like it. Oh my God.”
Shane had a twinkle in his eye. “It’s kind of funny. Stevenson is a bit of a dick.”
“You think he’s funny?”
“Once you get to know him, it’s all just piss and wind.”
Hayden folded his arms over his chest, still clutching the gross tissue. “I find this SO hard to believe.”
Shane’s chin twitched. “My mom likes him enough to be the ED and financial officer of the charity.”
Hayden sat back, blown away. “Jesus.”
“Does that count for the swear jar?”
“No idea. You’re telling me, Yuna ‘he can go eat glass’ and ‘I’m glad he’s playing with broke fingers’ Hollander is heading this thing up? With him?”
“I told you, he’s not that bad.”
Running a hand through his hair, Hayden blinked rapidly, unsure what to do with all of this new information. “And this isn’t some long con?”
“Maybe it’s my long con to make him nice.”
“I don’t know about that. But good luck, bud. Rozanov is a little shit.”
Shane nodded. “He is.”
And that was it. That was all Shane would give him. By the end of the evening he did pry the date of the press conference out of him, though.
He decided to attend for moral support. That was when he found out about Rozanov’s mother. Poor dude. No wonder they were focusing on mental health. It really was person for the guy that seemed like nothing could touch.
He must have come to Shane with it. Maybe looking for some legitimacy by having it connected to Shane’s squeaky-clean image? And Shane being the upstanding bastard he was, had agreed.
***
They were cooped up in the hotel room in Boston. After the game it had started snowing pretty good and only the real warriors of the party scene went out. Shane was lying on his bed, texting on his phone, smiling. Not the Lily smile. Something gentle that usually preceded him sharing something Rose had told him.
“Ok. She’s like…when I die, I’m going to have the X-Squad cast as pall bearers so they can let me down one last time. Chris is a terrible scene partner.”
Hayden put his phone down beside him. He was looking up specialists for Arthur. “Chris Starwick? Aww man. I always liked him.”
“Apparently he drinks his coffee extra black.”
“How the fuck do you drink it extra black?”
Shane smirked. “Apparently he goes for the burnt stuff that has been out all day.”
Hayden made a face and stuck his tongue out. “I change my mind. Horrible man.”
Shane snorted And went back to texting.
Hayden waited a few minutes. “Hey, whatever happened with you and Rose? And don’t give me the PR answer of schedules.”
Shane looked up from his phone, body tense and uncomfortable suddenly.
“And you’re still friends. That’s commendable. Like…she’s top-tier and it makes me a little jealous sometimes.”
Shane liked his screen and pressed the phone to his stomach. He was still so cautious about anyone seeing his texts. “You’re my best friend. She’s just, like, also my best friend.”
“Which is a great basis for a relationship. Which is why I don’t understand why this didn’t work out.”
Shane stared at the wall with unfocused eyes. “We weren’t compatable,” he said distantly.
“I mean—how?”
And Shane was silent.
Hayden didn’t say anything, in the hopes that Shane would fill the void.
But he didn’t. Instead, after an awkward silence, he picked up his phone again and unlocked it.
“Tell me one true thing,” Hayden said finally. “Why didn’t it work with Rose?”
Shane fiddled with his phone for a minute, typing a long text. He sent it and turned to Hayden.
Hayden shifted, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. Whatever it was, it was serious.
“Hayden…” Shane started, trying to figure out how to say whatever he was trying to get out. “You can’t tell anyone. Not yet. I’m not ready.”
“Ok.” This was about Lily. He’d broke it off with Lily, gotten together with Rose, and then had gotten back with Lily and called it off? “I won’t tell anyone anything.”
Shane let out a long breath that sounded like it ended with “ok.”
But nothing came out.
“Shane…”
“I’m gay,” he said quietly.
Hayden blinked twice. “You’re…” what were you supposed to say? There was something you were supposed to say when people told you this. Why couldn’t he think of it? Why was his mind jumbled and incoherent. “Gay? Like…gay-gay?”
A small laugh came mostly out of Shane’s nose. “I don’t know what kind of other gay there is.”
“So what about Lily?” Cos Hayden was pretty sure that fucker was in love with Lily.
“That’s…”
“Private. Yeah. I know. But you’re fucking nuts about her.”
“I’ll tell you about Lily. Eventually.”
Hayden remembered! “Uh, thanks for telling me, bud. And trusting me.” Nailed it.
“You’re ok with it?” Shane sounded so surprised it hurt Hayden.
So he got up and went to sit next to his best friend. “You know shit about me Jackie doesn’t even know. I can hold on to one little secret.” He put an arm around Shane and gave him the signature male one-arm hug. “You gonna come out, like Scott Hunter?”
Shaw shook his head but squeezed back. “Hell no. Maybe I’ll tell the team. Eventually. I’d like that, maybe. If they handle it like you.”
Hayden gave his friend a couple of firm pats on the back that made a loud thumping noise that echoed off the room walls. “They’ll be cool. It’s a new era, baby. All things are possible through Scott Hunter who strengthens us.” He made a two-finger sign of the cross over Shane.
Shane pushed his hand away. “Now you’re making it weird.” He got up and went to the table on the other side of the room, leaning against it. “You think they’ll be ok?”
“Sure. It’s us. We’re awesome.”
Shane didn’t respond.
***
A few days later, when they were back in Montreal, Hayden knew he had to ask.
“Can I tell Jackie?” He questioned as they were walking to their cars.
Shane stopped walking. “I guess. You know what? Yeah. Then I don’t have to tell her. I’d probably just make it weird.”
Hayden didn’t say anything It was probably true. Shane was pretty fucking awkward sometimes. Especially about anything personal. “Done. I know she’ll be cool.”
Shane nodded but didn’t say anything else.
Then Hayden had an idea. “Hey, let’s hit Ritter’s. I’m hungry.”
Sighing but also smirking, Shane said, “they don’t have anything I can eat there.”
“Whole grain bagel, cream cheese, tomato on top. Bam.”
“I can eat like half of that.”
“Party pooper. At least I’m not dragging you to a bar.”
Shane shook his head. “I’m, uh, expecting a call tonight.”
“From Lily?”
Shane swallowed. “Uh…”
Hayden looked around to make sure no one was there. He still lowered his voice. “I don’t get it, bud. If you’re gay, why are you still messing around with her?”
Shane also looked around. “Lily, um… isn’t a girl,” He breathed.
Hayden nodded. “Ok. Fair. Makes sense.” He should have guessed that himself.
“I’m just going to…” Shane thumbed toward his car.
But Hayden wasn’t ready to let it go. “Bud, do me a favor?”
“Yeah?”
“Before you go get your guy. Tell me one true thing.”
Shane looked up at the concrete ceiling of the garage, trying to find the words. “I love him. He loves me. Someday, when we’re retired, I’m going to marry him.” He had a bit of a dreamy, far away look about him.
For his part, Hayden’s brain was doing a record scratch. “When we’re retired?”
Shane’s eyes snapped suddenly to him. “I mean—” The panic in his eyes was overflowing and spilling into the rest of him. He was practically vibrating.
“Boston Lily is a player. Who isn’t in Boston anymore,” Hayden said, slowly putting it together. Lily was… somewhere else now. Somewhere he spent a lot of time. He was always going back and forth to Ottawa to see his parents and to…work on the charity. With a guy who’d left Boston for no damned good reason.
Shane looked around frantically, then grabbed hold of Hayden’s jacket tightly, shaking it. “Shut up. What if someone hears?”
Hayden glanced in all directions, then put his hand over Shane’s gently dislodging his fingers. “There’s no one here. But bud… unless you tell me otherwise, it sure sounds like your guy is Rozanov.” He was slow on the uptake, but he wasn’t an idiot.
“You can’t tell anybody,” Shane whispered. “Hayden…nobody can find out. It’ll wreck both of our careers…”
Hayden put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I may be slow, but I’m not an idiot. I will not say anything. But Jesus Christ. Him?”
Shane gave the smallest of shrugs. “I don’t know. It just… worked out that way.”
The worst part is—he could see it. Who else could keep up with him? Who else knew what it was like at the top? “So… when do I get to properly meet your boyfriend?”
Shane looked him like he was crazy. “You want to meet him.”
“I haveta make sure he’s good enough for my boy and give him the shovel talk.”
There was a look of confusion in Shane’s eyes. “The shovel talk?”
Hayden laughed. “Where I tell him if he hurts you, I have a shovel and duct tape and lye and no one will ever find his corpse.”
Pondering that, Shane zipped up his jacket. “Thanks? I think.”
“I will always have your back. Even if—especially if—it’s Rozanov. I have no idea where you’d get lye, but I’ll keep some on-hand. Just for him.”
“Thank you for not freaking out?”
Hayden nodded. “Oh, I’m freaking out. I’m just doing it on the inside.”
“Good. I’m also freaking out on the inside. Besides you, my parents are the only ones who know. And I freaked out when they found out, too.”
“Ok. So we’re both freaking out. That’s… good. It means we’re in this together. Or something. It’s something we can bond over.”
Shane checked his fancy-ass watch. “I really have to go. He’ll be online soon.”
Hayden took his hands out of his pockets only long enough to shoo him away. “Go! Go! And next time you’re over for dinner, we’re going to talk about your terrible taste in men.”
Already walking away, Shane glanced back toward him. “It really is the worst,” he admitted.
Standing there, Hayden watched his friend go. Jesus Christ. Rozanov? Really? He’d been so hoping he was wrong. For Shane’s sake.
Really. Could his taste be worse?
THE END