Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“But you love me Carm, and said you’d do everything for me.”, she pouts and gives you those eyes.


Yeah. They are the same eyes you fell for eight years ago, when you’d spotted her for the first time, and she’d offered the free spot beside herself in English.

You were a senior in high school, moving into a new city and of course the little sunshine she was, she made it her project to make you feel welcome to the new school.

Because… Oh my gosh! It’s probably totally hard on you that you had to move and aren’t able to be with your old friends!

You found it amusing. With all your leather and brood. That prissy, little overachiever.


Oh, how you miss those days.

Back then you weren’t so whipped.

Not that you are whipped now or anything.


Because the cupcake and you aren’t even dating. Never even came as far as admitting to your little crush on her.

Because it’s not important. It’s ancient history.

Ever since she started dating that tall giantess in college, you’ve done your best to shove those feelings down. Because it is distasteful to have those feelings. For someone who sees you as their sister. She actually once said that to you. That you were the sister she never had. And you felt like vomiting that night.

So you shoved down all those stomach fluttering, heart racing, dizzying feelings aside. Concentrated on being nothing but what she saw in you. And surprisingly it had actually worked.

Now you’re totally platonic buds. Great companions. The bestest of friends.


Goodness, you’re sounding like her. Every time you spend too many hours around each other, you adapt to her patterns of speech and her mannerisms. Like eating too many unhealthy snacks.

When Laura’s sleeping over, she always makes sure to bring you the whole entire candy store.


Ever since Maman died, Laura has been taking care of you. Not that she babies you or anything. She’s just there. Making your bad days. Even the good ones, without you needing anyone to make them brighter. Because humans heal. Time does that. But Laura’s always been within reach for you. Because she cares. You know she does. And that’s something you love about her. And you care too. Oh, you care so much.

Laura is the personification of all the good in the world.

So, yeah. that Creampuff decided to drop everything and come spend two days in a row at your apartment, because she recalled your mother’s fifth obit. When she called you to let you know, and to ask if it was okay, you felt ashamed.

You hadn’t even remembered.

Maman hadn’t been a horrible person. She raised you well. She gave you everything you ever wanted or ever could need. Just her presence was lacking. She’d make it amends with materialistic things. That wasn’t enough for the little girl in you though.

But you don’t hate her for it. Not anymore. There was a time you used to. But you’d rather mourn her with respect than still be resentful. Because yeah, she wasn’t horrible. She was caring. Maman had been a good guardian to you.

And that’s the reason you are ashamed. Because you were supposed to remember such things.



Your head is still in motion from all the shaking that you’re doing in response to her statement.

“Nope. Laura, I don’t care about your stories! I’m not going to go look at wedding venues with your fiancée.”

“I know you’re not Danny’s biggest fan, and frankly I don’t get it… But I thought with the wedding approaching, you’d be willing to put in more effort with her…”, Laura gets closer to you and snakes her hands around your waist, “Please?”

She’s giving you those eyes again.

Damn it, Hollis!


“No means no. You’ve known me for long enough.”

“Pretty please?”, she bats her eyelashes and her eyebrows are up high. Pleading now.

Her hands are fisting the back of your shirt. Similar to a toddler that’s reluctant to let go of something that is dear to them. For a split second this image floods you with satisfaction, but then it’s gone as soon as it had settled in the back of your head.


“My mother died this day five years ago. You cannot seriously be asking favors of me right now.”

You feel the coldness wrap you up in no time, because Laura draws back her hands and stares at you wide-eyed.

“Ohmigod! You’re right! She did! And I’m so insensitive! I’m the worst friend!”, she’s flailing around and you feel the guilt settle in your gut immediately.


“Okay, stop! Stop.”

And she does. Because you ask her to.

And Laura really is one of those friends. That would do anything for you, just because you ask. So you think you can at least do the same for her. Because she deserves someone that’s like her, and even more. (Even though you don’t think that it’s Danny Lawrence, but Laura is going to marry her, so you swallow down whatever dark feeling you have about this.)

You pinch the bridge of your nose and sigh.

It’s relent. And resign. And love.


“I’ll do it. Bring it on, Hollis. Tell me where I have to be.”

Laura pulls you towards her and you find yourself in a numbing embrace. She’s one of those tight huggers. Her breath tickles your neck, and her light brown hair falls over your bare arms and shoulder blades, where your tank top won’t reach anymore, and the curves of her body press against yours. You melt with her scent inebriating you.


“Yessss! I love you.”, she says.

You chuckle lightheartedly, “I mean… I am your Maid of Honor. That kind of thing comes with certain responsibilities right?”


The way she brightens up, makes your world brighten up.

And yeah, you like being the reason for this.

Because usually someone else is.


*


There is fidgeting. A lot of it. On both parties.

Danny will occasionally steal a sidewards glance towards you while walking side by side, being led to wherever the heck the wedding planner likes, but other than the usual smalltalk there is nothing.

It is uncomfortable and unsettling for her too. You can tell.

You always thought it was only you. Laura would tell you it was only you, but so clearly it isn’t.


And Agent Orange is even blunt enough to address it.


“Look, you don’t really like me. And I never was particularly fond of you.”, she says around a cup of coffee. You’re currently sitting outside in the crisp spring air, at venue #3 (which has a gorgeous garden, you note for Laura).

You look up to meet her eyes. They shimmer in a blue hue, reflecting the skies above you and you think to yourself that you never have spent much time with her. Because it’s the first time you notice her eye color.


“I think it has been quite clear all along why that is.”

With that sentence she throws you off. The look of confusion you give her is enough for her to elaborate what she meant.


“You’re in love with Laura.”, she says it as if it is the most logical thing in the world, “But keep in mind that I am the one marrying her.”


There’s some shifting on your part, and you feel angry about the fact that you’re currently seriously struggling to keep your eyes locked with your opponent’s.


“I love Laura. Yes. As my friend. We go way back. But I’m not in love with her.”, you reply as coolly as you can, because it’s nothing but the truth.

Do you get weird, when they kiss in front of you? Absolutely. Because in your eyes they just don’t fit.
Did you flinch, when Laura told you, she was getting married? Maybe a little. Because she’s your best friend and you want to watch out for her.

But that does not mean anything.

The feeling about Danny is just unsettling. Like an eerie, unknown thing that’s just there constantly.

You’ve had countless talks with yourself about this topic. And the conclusion always is: No, you’re not in love with her. It’s you caring for her.


“You need to back off.”, she tells you, “Once we are married. You need to keep your distance. It’s not right and proper… The way you two are with each other.”

“Excuse me, what?”

“You heard me.”, her jaw sets and her eyes pierce through you.


“Have you decided yet?”, the wedding planner suddenly emerges from nowhere, “Or would you like me to put together another list of venues to choose from? Preferable more on the north east of the town? Rhodesburry Island?”

“No thank you. My wife-to-be would absolutely adore this place. I think this is it.”, Danny says around a fake smile and regards you, “Or what do you say, Carmilla?”


“I agree.”

It’s the only thing you agree on that day.

And you don’t tell Laura about the conversation you had with her fiancée.


*


“Danny told me you had a great outing last week. Even settled on something.”, you can hear her smile over the phone from the way she speaks.

Her voice is deeper and every word sounds like it’s drawled. You can imagine her. With her phone tucked between her ear and her shoulder, fingers typing away emails in a rapid motion while speaking with you.


“We agreed on the wine gardens. The one with the baroque chic. You’ll like the naked stone statues around the fountain. Naked women wherever you set your eyes, Laura. I mean, I’ve always known how gay you are…”, you move to sit on a barstool right by the kitchen counter, mindlessly picking at your nails. Laura’s laughter at your way to describe the venue rings in your ears. You pause and think about the next words carefully, but utter them nonetheless, “Your lover girl sure is going all in, huh? Makes me think she’s trying to prove something.”

There is intention behind your sentence.

And Laura. Lovely Laura doesn’t catch it. Or she chooses to ignore.


“Yeah… She’s been especially great in the last few months. It’s like ever since she knew she was gonna propose, she started being more thoughtful, more lovely, more romantic… Just…”

She’s squealing. And you’re frowning. Good thing she can’t see you.


“I still think it’s weird that she told you that she was going to propose. I mean… Who does that? It ruined the whole surprise behind it.”

Laura is silent for a few seconds, before you hear a hum.

It’s not exactly in approval. More in acknowledgement of what you said.


“How would you propose to the girl you love?”


The moment she asks you the question, your heart speeds up. You were not prepared for this question.


“Carm?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”, her voice is so soft, almost somber.

“Because you’d probably tell whomever I decide to marry. You can’t keep secrets.”



*


You never tell Laura about the conversation you had with her fiancée, but you vent about it to Ell.

And Ell listens to every single word. She is there to soak up every sentence and smiles pitifully.

When she leaves, she tells you that you shouldn’t see each other anymore. You are confused.


*


Laura catches you by accident in her favorite pizzeria. Which happens to be yours too, because this would be your go to place in college.


“I haven’t seen much of you lately. I sent you wedding invitations via email to look at. You never called.”, she says, after she closes off the distance to place a kiss on your cheek. There is not the usual smile on her face. There’s something hectic about her. And you grow angry, because all she ever talks about anymore is the wedding.

“Ah well. I’ve kept busy.”

“With what?”

“Work.”

“Carmilla. You’re the CEO of a company that has your last name in big letters on its building. You go to work whenever you please.”

There is not much you can add to that statement. So you shrug. And you know it drives her nuts when you are like this.


However the desired effect (namely Laura being mad) fails to appear.


A sly smile replaces that slight frown on her face, “It’s because of that Ell, isn’t it? Come on, tell me something! I’m your best friend, and I haven’t even met her yet!”

“It’s not because of her.”, you say flatly.

“Carm, you know I’ll find out eventually…”, Laura giggles and it makes you sick that she’s being this happy, when you are miserable.

You want to throw horrible words at her. You want her to shout back at you. Anything. You don’t want to be standing alone where you are right now. You want her to acknowledge that you are not fine. That you two are teetering on the edge of your friendship. And that Danny is the abyss that will swallow her. Whereas you’ll be left with nothing.



“I mean, I know that she’s like one of those blonde models… I got that picture- Which rude by the way that you didn’t ask her if that was okay, because maybe she doesn’t-”

“If you weren’t so absorbed in your own fucking world, then you’d know that Ell and I broke up!”, you snap at her and walk away abruptly.


*


Laura shows up on day 5 after your little outburst.

She carries a 7 eleven bag full of chocolate bars, and soda.


“What are you doing here so late?”, you ask, as you lean against your door frame.

“Aren’t you gonna invite me in?”

You move aside, and she slips into your apartment.


“What does Ms. Righteousness think of her soon-to-be-wife gone in the middle of the night?”, you want to know.

She shrugs, “Danny’s not even at home. Business trip. And I… I couldn’t sleep the past few days. I couldn’t sleep, knowing you are hurting because of your break up.”

“I’m really not.”, you snort, “I barely even dated Ell for two months.”


Laura takes in a deep breath. It seems contemplative. And you don’t like the silence lingering for that long.


“Okay... Look… You’re my best friend. And something’s bothering you. I know it. You’ve been distant. And usually I wait, because you’re broody and like to deal with stuff on your own, except this time you’re being extra distant, extra broody- God, how can someone be so broody? I mean-”, you cover her mouth with your hand and she looks perplexed.


“I just needed some time to myself. That’s all.”


What you really want to say is: I don’t want to lose you.

But you don’t have it in you to say it out loud for her.

She’d never choose you over her Danny anyway.


*


You don’t see Laura for a few weeks after that late night chat you have.

It doesn’t per se bother you, because you need that time to sort out your feelings.

You might have taken under consideration that what Danny said to you partly may be true.

However, the other part of you is fuming about her audacity to come in-between two best friends.


Laura was yours first. Even though she is Danny’s in so many other ways. Laura has been yours first. You call dibs on her.

Mentally you picture Laura freaking out over the little inner monologue you are having in your head.

Laura Golightly is a little territorial, when it comes to herself.

Because: People don’t belong to people.


But your friendship is something sacred between you two.

And really, is disturbing a sanctuary not the work of the devil?


*


You meet LaFontaine in a college bar, because why not.

As of late you have buried yourself in work.

Laura was right about that part.


You come and go as you please.

So when Carmilla Karnstein is into her work…

She usually is trying to distract herself from her emotional havoc.



“I feel like I’ve been so secluded from everyone that I know lately... I know nothing about my friends anymore.”, they say around their first pint of beer.

“I know.”, you scoff, “I’ve de-tangled from my social duties too. Haven’t really heard anything from anyone.”

They regard you with an incredulous, skeptical look, “Your only real friend besides me is Laura. Are you meaning to tell me that you two are fighting?”

You trace the condensation beads of your drink and wipe the wet finger on the sleeve of your jean jacket, before answering with an honest shrug.


“What happened?”, they press you further.

“Nothing happened. Her life happened. I guess I just don’t fit in it anymore. She’s got Danny. Danny here, Danny there. I mean… I’ve been listening to that for six years now, but it’s getting worse. With the wedding approaching… Plus, Danny said something and it got stuck with me…”

“Oh what did the beanstalk say?”

You love LaFontaine because of exactly that.

They have had this weird feeling about her as well.


“That it’s not appropriate for me to be such good friends with Laura and that I need to back off.”

You leave out the part of her accusing you of being in love with your best friend.

“And from what century did she break out? She’s so weird. Where does she take the right of forbidding you to be friends with Laura?”


It feels good to vent about the issue to someone. Someone who understands your side.


You mentally tell yourself to get LaFontaine something awesome for Christmas.

And the second thing you tell yourself is that you need to keep some distance from Laura.

Because if you don’t start un-tangling yourself from her now, all of this will hurt more than it does.


*


“Are you gonna finally tell me why you’ve evaporated into thin air in the last weeks?!”, Laura loses it in front of her fiancée one night.

You agreed on a dinner at their house. Danny had invited you herself. You couldn’t really turn that down, could you?

There is something downright evil in the way the redhead fixates her gaze on you and waits.


“I’ve been busy.”

“Laura-”, her lover girl starts to interfere, but Laura raises her hand to indicate that she isn’t gonna let this go.

“Can I talk to Carmilla alone please? Uhm- The wine... We need more wine. I just need a sec.”


Danny reluctantly leaves the room and you raise an expectant eyebrow at your best friend.


“What’s going on, Carmilla?”

“Nothing’s going on.”

“You’re being like…”, she catches herself.

“Like what, Laura?”

“Like that time after your mother died. You’re distancing yourself from me again. It sure as hell feels like that… You not really caring for anything-”, you stop her right there.

Because you don’t think she is innocent in this. And you will not let her tell you that you don’t care. Not when that’s the whole reason for this fucked up relationship right now. Not when you care so much that you’d rather give her up than ever seeing a single shit day on her features. You want her to be happy so badly.

But Karnsteins are known to be aloof and uncaring. And you show her exactly that.

“Yeah? Maybe I am distancing myself! Maybe I am trying to show you that I don’t care! Maybe I fucking don’t want to be sitting here, listening to you two lovebirds go on about your wedding!”


“Are you jealous?”, she fuels your anger with that question.

“Jealous? Of what would I be jealous? Of you? That you’re marrying someone who’s double your size? Or of Danny? Because she’s marrying an self-absorbed egomaniac? Because both of you are a perfect match.”


You have talked yourself in so much rage. And your chest is heaving. And you suddenly realize that you’re standing and from the corner of your eye you see Danny approaching.


“I think you should go, Carmilla. I won’t let you talk to my fiancée like that.”, is what the redhead says.

And you think you see a smirk on her face, when you turn your head to meet her gaze.

Laura remains silent and the furrow of her brow and her held back tears get imprinted into your mind.


She haunts you in your nightmares.


*


Nobody ever said you can’t be remorseful of what you say or that you cannot be a halfway decent human being from time to time. So when the opportunity presents itself upon you, you just take it as a sign.

You had just exited a meeting you had in a hotel conference room, to run into Laura’s fiancée outside of said establishment.


“Red…”, you say as she almost misses you, too caught up in her own world apparently.

She looks surprised and her eyes widen for a moment, before she stops right in front of you.


“Carmilla.”

“Where are you headed?”, you ask her. Not that you want to know, but you just wanted to pick up on casual conversation.

“Why? Where do you think I’m headed? I was on my way to work.”

“Isn’t your office on the opposite side of town…?”, she is about to respond, when you wave her off, “Actually I don’t care… I just saw you and wanted to apologize. For the way I ran out on you guys last week.”

“You didn’t run out. I threw you out.”

“Whatever.”, you roll your eyes.

Someone should give you credit for this. But you’ve done this with a certain ulterior motive. You want to say sorry to Laura too, and you know that she’ll be more susceptible for the apology, if you tell her that you -yes, you, Carmilla Karnstein- have gotten off your high horse and really took responsibility for your mistake.

There is a little bit of awkward staring, until you just excuse yourself and walk away.

Mentally you pat yourself on your back for not wanting to punch her this morning.

You’ve just had a good meeting with your west coast subsidiary firm and felt good doing that.

Now you can go apologize to Laura.


Because you’ve come to realize that you’ve been an huge ass.

And that you can’t let Laura down like that now.

And you’re not gonna cut her off now.

The wedding’s soon enough.


*


You go to her work.

With apology chocolates.

She throws them in your face.



“Laura, please you have to talk to me.”, you follow her from her workplace to the subway and she walks ahead like you don’t exist.


“Cupcake. Creampuff. Sweetheart.”, you coo at her and she turns around sharply.

“No! You don’t get to come here and apologize and think that everything’s gonna be okay just like that!”

“Not even if I offer to take you to that diner that has the best banana split?”

“Do you think you can bribe me with dinner?”

You let your gaze wander around for a moment, “But banana split isn’t considered din-”

“Fine. Okay. You got me there. I’m hungry and a free meal sounds really good after the day I had. But I hope you came here with your car.”

“Of course.”, you chuckle at her and offer your hand.

Laura purses her lips and walks past you, “Chop, chop, Karnstein.”



“I was just so stressed out last week. I swear. Will has screwed with some deals in Japan and I needed to intervene. I swear this boy’s up to no good.”

She chuckles, “Look at you… You’re starting to grow into this CEO role finally… I think I’ve never really told you how proud I am.”

“Ahh… I didn’t really earn anything yet. All perks of having a dead guardian. I feel like the female analogue to Bruce Wayne.”, you geeking out is something that always makes her proud, you see it in her eyes, “I’m really sorry for what I said to you last week…”

She inhales deeply and seems to think about your offered words, “You said some really horrible things.”

“I apologized to Danny too you know…? You should cut me some slacks.”

Laura knits her brows, clearly confused, “You voluntarily called Danny?”

“Hell no…”, you sigh and tell her that it was a matter of coincidence and not really your intention to apologize to her, but hope that she will still be pleased that you did it at all, “I saw her today, when I walked out of the Hilton.”

“You saw her at the Hilton?”

“Not really at the Hilton. Just outside. Why?”

Laura smiles at you and for a moment you think there is something, but then she shakes her head, “Oh no, I was just curious.”


When you drive her home and receive a kiss on your cheek for taking her out that night, you tell her that it’s no big deal.

And on your way to your own apartment you feel like maybe this all won’t be too bad, if you really would girl up and try to be friends with Danny. Maybe she would let you keep what you have with Laura. You could play nice with her.


*


You’re just about to get rid of your pants and make yourself comfortable in your bed to read some Camus (Laura would laugh at you for that), when someone starts knocking at your door.

The quick glance to your alarm clock resting on your night stand affirms your assumption.

It’s pretty late for guests.

Still you go to see who it is. Sometimes the neighbor’s cat jumps onto your balcony and you have to fetch them for their owner.

What you don’t expect to see is Laura with bags under her eyes and messy hair standing in front of your door like a kicked puppy.


“What’s up?”, you ask, as you take her hand and guide her into the warmth of your home. She’s not clothed in enough layers for the late night temperature drop.


But all you get in response is arms slinging around your shoulders, and her shuddering breaths as she cries.

You don’t question her that night. You just provide her with comfort the best you can.


*


The first thing you notice when you wake up is a weight on top of you.

The second thing you notice is that you’re drooling all over Laura’s hair.

You make a too sudden movement, and she wakes up from it. Oh, great.


“Fuck… How late is it?”, Laura is in a standing position quickly, fetching her light vest from where she has discarded it the day before, because it was so full of tears, and puts it on.

“Uhm- It’s ten…”, you say groggily.

“I need to be at work- And, and…”


You make your way towards her and ground her with your hands around her shaking ones.


“Today’s Sunday. You don’t need to be anywhere but here… Where your best friend’s gonna make you breakfast and you’re gonna tell her what in the name of anything that’s unholy is going on.”


Laura doesn’t really say anything, instead she gets herself to calm down a bit and sits on your sofa.


“And you might wanna take a shower.”, you add.

Because she should really wash her hair.




“Thanks for the food, Carm. You’re a sweetheart.”

You reach out to take her hand in yours and squeeze it, “You know you can talk to me, right?”


Laura contemplates on your words, before she blurts it out, “She did it again.”


“Who did what again?”

“Danny.”, her eyes are determined to stare at the fork placed on her plate, “I thought… I mean… It happened before. It was so many years ago. We were in college still. It was just a dumb mistake. She would say that... And then it happened again. Just a few years later… But I love you, she’d say. Just a stupid mistake. Always a stupid little mistake. And then now. Again. We’re engaged… How can you love someone, commit yourself to someone, and then do that?”

“Do what exactly? Laura… You’re not telling me what I think you’re telling me, are you?”

Because that would mean you have to kill someone today. That would mean you have to go over there, and ask that woman, how on earth she could hurt someone like Laura like that. How on earth does someone cheat on someone as holy as Laura Hollis?


Her eyes give her away, the tears of last night are the indication.

Because there is a firework inside your stomach, and a tornado in your heart.

Your rage against a certain someone fills up your whole being, and you clench your fists.

Laura catches onto that, because you pretty much are still holding her hand, and she tells you to stop.


“Don’t. Don’t go there, Carm. Please.”

“AGAIN??! Laura? AGAIN? You really were considering to marry a woman that has cheated on you??? Repeatedly???”

Laura doesn’t meet your gaze, so you make her.

You pinch her chin and turn her head to force her to look at you.

“You are not marrying her anymore, are you? Tell me you are not thinking about marrying her, Laura.”


She doesn’t respond, her silence the answer, and you draw back.


“How fucking stupid can you be? How fucking stupid, Laura? How…?”


*

To: Laura Hollis ([email protected])
Subject:

Laura,

It’s getting really hard to get ahold of you these days.
I don’t want to drop by your home, because I know who’s gonna be there.

I don’t think I could keep myself from punching her in the face, so I stayed away.

However, your sudden absence from all your social media is making me worried. I am sorry for my behavior last week.
Please don’t cut me off. We can talk about it. I promise not to make judgements, and to hear you out.
I promise not to freak out. I promise not to convince you to do anything.
I just want you to know that I’m here. You can talk to me. I’ll always be here.

Please at least respond to this by saying you are okay.

Even if you don’t want to see me.


With love,

Carmilla


Carmilla Karnstein, MA

CEO
Karnstein Industries
Rocksborough Rd. 128-130
Silas

Laura Hollis ([email protected])
Subject: RE

Carm,

Thank you for your words. And that you didn’t drop by. You were right about that.
Plus, I’m not even living at home right now, but it’s nice to know that you are here for me.
I’ll tell you everything, when my head’s sorted out. I just can’t see or talk to anyone right now.

Thank you for being my friend. I love you,

Laura

To: Laura Hollis ([email protected])
Subject: RE RE

Don’t forget that my door’s always open for you. Always.


Carmilla Karnstein, MA

CEO
Karnstein Industries
Rocksborough Rd. 128-130
Silas


*


You’re currently in your office sorting through some bureaucracy, then it happens.

The redhead seriously has the nerve to show up at your company.

And accuse you of making Laura leave her whiney ass.



Security doesn’t take all too long to get to your office and escort Ms. Lawrence away.

However you don’t fail to acknowledge her said words. Laura left her.

When she leaves, you hope to never see her again.



You try calling Laura, but she doesn’t pick up her phone.


*


On a Friday night you decide to go to your favorite pizzeria and order two pepperoni slices and a coke. You don’t have the energy to cook. You haven’t had it in the last couple of days to be honest, because the vanishing of a certain tiny Cupcake is still apparent in your every day thinking.

The thought of going to the police to report a missing person crossed your mind much too often, but you didn’t do anything about Laura’s sudden need to travel back in time and live without social media.

Plus, you may have called into her office a few times to check if she still goes to work regularly.

You’re her best friend, and you care for her, of course you have to look out like that for her.


There’s so much you wish you could do. Not only in regards to her, but like for instance show Danny some piece of your mind (and maybe your fists -although you’re sure you wouldn’t really have a chance against her). You wish you could do something horrible to her.

You try to come up with some well-thought out, evil plan that involves some kind of pain, when someone just plops down beside you with a huff.


Her smell that wraps around your nostrils and that familiar warmth let your heart skip a beat.


“Laura.”, you rasp, suddenly aware that you haven’t really used your voice that often lately.

“And why are you all doom and gloom?”, she smirks at you, gesturing to your face, and you take all of her in.


The first thing you notice is her appearance. She’s dyed her hair into a blonde shade and the wrinkles on her forehead are a little more prominent. The undersides of her eyes are slightly puffy, which indicates that she has either been up for a long time or that she’s been crying a lot lately. Or most probably both.

Whatever the case is, you feel like a hug is appropriate, so you do just that. You surge forwards and envelop her into your arms and for a moment you wish you could comfort her as easily as she always could you. That one of your hugs would be enough for all her sorrows to dissipate. For her worries to wash away.


“Missed me?”, she chimes smugly, but you can see through her.

You humor her, and play along, “Of course. I mean… I can’t live without my weekly dose of annoying.”

Laura takes one of your slices of pizza that have been sitting in front of you for too long anyway and starts munching away. You have to smirk at this sight, because she’s at least still the Laura Hollis you knew.


“So what’s new, tell me Carm.”, she demands.

“Your hair.”, you respond almost immediately. Because that has been on your mind. She really looks good like that.

She drives the hand that is not full of grease through her mane consciously and tilts her head a bit.


“Hmn. Do you like it?”

“You’d look good with any hair color. Seriously.”

Laura stares at you for a second, blinking, before the tiniest of smiles creeps up on her face.

This time it’s genuine and you feel the pride settle inside your chest.


“Do you wanna hang out tonight at your place and watch a movie?”, she asks weakly. Probably expecting you to blow her off.


“You think I would have let you get away tonight?”





Laura watches you silently as you fix her some microwave popcorn for the movie you two are about to watch. There is something in the way she looks at your hands blankly. You can’t yet decide if she’s contemplating on things. Or if she’s in a haze. You decide not to comment on any of the weird. Laura will tell you when she needs you to. You’ve learned not to push her.

You still haven’t spoken about what is going on. And you’re not planning on asking her about her absence. Nor are you going to make her feel bad about it. You’re just glad that you got your best friend back. And that she made the right decision.


“I broke up with Danny.”, she says when you’re about to settle next to her on your couch and you freeze for some seconds.

“I know.”, you finally say and drop down to her level and instead of pressing play on your remote, she turns to you cross-legged and reaches for the soda you’re carrying in your hands.

“How do you-”

“She came by my office.”


“Oh god.”


“Said that I’m the reason you broke up-”

“Oh no.”

“Plus insulted me in front of my whole entire staff.”


Laura sighs loudly and you just wait patiently.


“I’m sorry…”

“What does it mean? What was she talking about, Laura? About me being the reason?”

“You really are the reason I broke up with her, if you will- I mean… Remember when you told me about running into Danny in front of some hotel…?”

You vaguely do, because there has been so much on your mind lately. There is a nod on your part.

“She was supposed to be on a business trip. There have been quite a few business trips in the last few months, and she kept telling me about wanting to finish her cases before the wedding and I was so stupid and believed it.”, there is a single tear rolling down her face and she sniffs once and wipes it away.


You grasp at her chin and tilt up her head.

“Hey, you’re not stupid, okay? She is. I mean- How on earth does anyone cheat on someone like you?”

Laura lets out a chuckle, “Maybe I’m not that great. Who knows.”

“No… Laura… She just didn’t deserve you.”


She relents with another sigh and a tilt of her head, taking your hand into hers and bracing her body against yours, her forehead meeting your shoulder.


“Do you want to know?”, her voice is muffled from the way her mouth is pressing into your chest.

“About what?”

“Everything I didn’t tell you.”


Her voice carries through both of your bodies, as she refuses to look at you.


“Yes... But why didn’t you tell me?”, you ask once she settles against your side, as you actually face the television. You both had forgotten about the TV where no movie is playing anyway.


“Because you’re you, Carm.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She groans, “You would have killed her probably.”

You scoff, “Can you blame me?”


Laura leans away to look at you and instead of a frown you find her lips curled upwards.


“We fought a lot about you. From the beginning actually.”, she finally says, “Because I spent so much time with you.”

You hum and start playing with her fingers that are in your hand. You’re not really surprised after the talk you had with her a few months ago over deciding for a venue.

“Danny thought… She thought that we were in love with each other… Or actually mostly that you were… With me…”

You stop breathing for a moment, and she continues with a shake of her head.

“I mean, I told her there was nothing going on, but those late night visits to your place every now and then haven’t helped I guess. But see… After she cheated on me for the first time… I think it was over for me right then. I just kept smiling and nodding along to everything she said. I thought if I just kept pretending that everything wasn’t falling apart inside of me, I would be able to save this. Whatever I had with her. I actually don’t know why I fought so hard for a relationship that probably was doomed from the start on.”


“When was the first time she cheated?”, you suddenly ask. Well aware of the topic you are ignoring.

“It was right…”, you see the furrow of her brow before her words hit your ears, “… When you left for that year off in Guatemala. When uhm… Your mother died.”

It hits you like cold water. She’s been supportive of you all this time. And you’ve been so caught up in your own world that you hadn’t known. No wonder that she hadn’t told you about it. You were an aloof, self-absorbed egomaniac five years ago.


“Laura, I’m so, so sorry. Believe me. If I could, I would change a lot of things… I know I haven’t been the best friend back then.”

“Don’t. Don’t apologize for things you can’t change now.”, she says and curls into your side again, “Just promise me, you won’t leave me again.”

“Never.”

“Good. Because I can’t lose you… And I’m sorry I vanished from the radar in the past few weeks. I needed to do this on my own. Without you or anyone else butting in.”


“I know. I understand.”, you kiss the top of her head and inhale deeply.

“You’re my most favorite person on this earth, Carm.”

And maybe you inhale deeply again.


*


The next eight weeks go by in a rush.

There is a lot of Laura in your life again.


You go take two short road trips together, visit her dad and generally spend a big proportion of your free time in your apartment together.


On one of those days she cries freely into your shoulder, although you don’t really know why exactly.

It could be a mixture of grief about her broken relationship, or the fact that Titanic really is sad.


On several other days she stares at you intently and whenever you catch her, she averts her gaze.

You would wish she would talk to you about whatever is going on.

Because there is something going on and she isn’t telling you what it is.


But you learnt to be patient in her case.

Because a Laura Hollis always comes around when it comes to those things.

And you just hope that whatever it is, won’t affect your friendship negatively.


*


Laura gets herself a lease for the vacant studio apartment down the street that nobody wanted to occupy, because it looked nasty from the inside.


But Laura with her endless optimism… She saw something with potential in it.


So yes, now you are there, in that potential hellhole of an apartment, helping her move a couch into the open living space.

It is all cleaned up now, and all the cobwebs and graffiti are gone (yes, the walls were full of them- you are talking about both here).


“Oh god. This is exhausting! Why… Why did I think moving into my own space would be a good idea? I hate it already…”, Laura says, as she plops down onto the couch.

“Because you couldn’t live with Betty forever? I still don’t understand why you didn’t just move in with me.”

Laura rolls over, so that she can look at you directly. You’re sitting comfortably on the rug, with your head where Laura’s is resting on the sofa.


“You have one bedroom, Carmilla.”

“So? You always sleep in my bed when coming over to stay for the night.”

She’s just about to counter something, but then you see the opportunity, and you find yourself attacking her with your fingers. The conversation dies down immediately.

Laura is very ticklish.


“Stop! What are you doing?! Carm! Stop…”, she says, but fails to keep her composure and breaks into a fit of giggles. Her flailing arms find your shoulders and she pushes you away a little too roughly, and maybe you are holding onto her too tightly, so you both fall down.

Thank all the non-existent deities that there is a rug, which catches most of the impact. And of course your body.


“Creampuff. We gotta work on your defense mechanisms. This was attempted murder. How much do you weigh?”

“Charming.”, she swats at your bicep and wants to get up, but you grasp at her hips and start tickling her again.


Laura falls forward with a yelp and it is the most compromising situation you have found yourself in with her: her face inches away from yours, her upper body aligning with yours, her breath soft on your lips.


She keeps the proximity and you don’t think you’ve ever thought your best friend to be quite so beautiful. Laura looks into your eyes for what seems like an eternity, until her gaze drops to your lips, and out of instinct you lick them. It sends a flash of something unknown -unknown to you in this case, because you haven’t thought about her like that in a long time- through your whole body.


Her gaze makes you shiver.


But Laura always knew a way to top everything. And you never thought she would do this, because she’s Laura Hollis, your personal sunshine. But the moment her lips encase yours in a firm kiss, she turns your heart into thunder and there is lightning jolting your whole body awake. How could the sun betray you in such a terribly good way?


It’s like being invigorated.


So you kiss her back on that Saturday morning, with your tongue hot in her mouth, your hand in her hair and hers inching upwards underneath your shirt.

It’s a teenage dream of yours come true. But all of those dreams had something in common: They got interrupted by a device chanting out some song.

This time it is Laura’s cell phone instead of your alarm clock.

She scrambles up, and straddles your hips in the process, looking for that freaking thing.


Just then you realize that yeah, Danny Lawrence had been a hundred percent right about you in one matter.

Because Laura looks gorgeous, after you’ve kissed her, with her full, shining lips, sitting atop of your body with her disheveled hair and her quickly rising chest -and god, her chest, and her toned arms and her slender neck and-

Much too quickly she stands up and picks up her phone.


“Hello?”, she looks down at you bashfully, while you brace yourself on your elbows and slowly make it an effort to sit up at least, “Oh… Hey Danny…”





After you hear her utter that name and see that she actually doesn’t hang up, but talks to her, you get out of there. You spend a long amount just waiting in the hallway, until you decide you can’t be in that confined space anymore.

Because you feel like suffocating. Like Laura took the air from you, when she kissed you and hasn’t given it back yet. And the thought that you’d let her have it, and live with the shortage of breath, if it would mean that she would get to be happy, is troubling.


You stop in front of the apartment complex as the realization hits you. With your fingertips on your lips and your upper body hunched forwards.

You are completely, fully, utterly in love with her, and you have been for such a long time.

How on earth are you going to get out of this one?


And it’s sad to think about the fact that the kiss probably didn’t mean that much to her. Because she is probably still hurting, and maybe she just wanted to feel again. You know that you can make her feel better. You know that you treat her like a princess. You know that you treat her well. As a friend it is.

So of course she would kiss you. Of course she would feel inclined to kiss the first person that’s not a lying, cheating, horrible person. Of course she would see that kind of rebound in you. Her best friend. And that thought horrifies you, because how can she use you like that? You would never.

You walk back into the complex and to a nearby stairwell to sit down on the third step. Your heart is still hammering in your chest with too many emotions running through your entire body and you have to occupy yourself with something. So you take out your phone and answer some business emails.

With every new email that you send out, you grow more impatient.

The woman that cheats on her gets to have her, and the woman who’s been there for her all this time, gets to wait in a cold, creepy hallway.





“Hey…”, Laura finds you at last.

You look up and match her gaze, “Hey.”

“Look, I know you must probably think I’m crazy talking to her…”

“Really? What gave you that idea?”

“Cause it’s kinda what you always did? Even when we were together… And you didn’t know about the cheating… As if you’d known all along…”

You don’t want to be talking about someone else right now. Not when your mind’s racing like that.


“What did she want?”

“Does it really matter here? Are you really gonna pretend that you’re not as confused as me about what that kiss meant?”

You snort. Confusion. That’s how she puts it.

“Please…”, you scoff, “You think nobody’s ever kissed me to make themselves feel better?”

Laura’s forehead creases and you hate yourself for wanting to stand up and press your lips to her head in an attempt to make her worry go away.

“That’s not what I was-”

“Of course it was. Okay, you wanna talk about that kiss?”, you stand up, shoving your phone into your pocket, “You’re scared, and you’re lonely. And you’re not sure if you’re up to this whole being single gig, because you’ve been in a relationship for pretty much all your life. And you wanted to forget that so… You oversaw the fact that I was your best friend and you kissed me and that’s fine. But it doesn’t mean that you can experiment on me now or that I’m gonna blindly fall in love with you.”

Because you already have been in love with her all this time.


*


Laura doesn’t call you for help with the other furniture that you know she has ordered. Neither does she pick up any of your calls.

You thought that telling her what you thought of the kiss, would make your feelings finally fade and her being normal with you.


But Laura doesn’t call you. Not once in that week that passes after the kissing incident.

You’re pathetic for dreaming of that thing every single night.

Every damn time there is a new outcome.


*


You meet her by accident in a grocery store. Which figures, because she lives in your neighborhood now. You see her in a large coat, with her leather gloves stuffed into one of her oversized pockets, one finger poking out.

Laura is wearing some brown leather boots and skinny dark grey jeans and you realize that you never have paid that much attention to detail up until now.

But you took Art in college, and you have the eye for masterpieces. So you take an eyeful of her with you, to store away. Probably to fill your dreams with her at night.

In an unfortunate moment -while your mouth is still ajar- she catches you staring. You quickly clear your throat, and find your way out of the haze to finally go greet her with a surprised ‘Hey. What are you doing here?’.

Even though it’s clear why she’s here. Groceries.


“Ran out of milk.”, she chuckles nervously and manages to dodge your lips in the process of you trying to kiss her left cheek.

“Is everything okay?”

God this is awkward. Laura is feeling uncomfortable with you. Of course this would happen.

“Wha- Yes. Good. Very A-okay in fact even!”, she leans into her cart nonchalantly, but that thing has wheels, and she slips a little, before you catch her with both of your arms.

“Sweetheart, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Why yes- No why wouldn’t I be?”

You don’t answer, just help her stand straight again, rubbing a soothing pattern on her forearm.

That’s friendly, right?

“Because you’re being extra clumsy…”

“You know me. Laura Hollis here, master of klutz-y-ness.”


More like Mistress of Cute and Sexy and Perfect and you need to shut up now.


You try to come up with a witty retort that doesn’t involve you complimenting her, but she beats you to it.

“You should come over tonight.”

There is a pause on your end. You blink. There was a week of radio silence and now she wants you over?

“For dinner. I’m gonna cook.”, she clears her throat, “For you.”

“Wow. Laura Hollis wanting to cook for me. Is this your way of saying sorry, because you’ve been an ass and ignored me this whole week?”

Laura blushes, oh boy, does she, and avoids your eyes, as she carefully says, “I’ve been a bit unavailable, yes. But… I have good reason. I swear. And maybe I will tell you about it...? Please?”

You take that as an answer and nod slowly. It doesn’t matter, really. You just would like to forget whatever weird is going on right now between you two. For the rest of your life you’ll just want to know her friendship. Everything else is just a bonus.


“What time do you want me there?”

“Seven. Sharp. I am looking forward to it, Carmilla.”





You arrive at her complex at exactly 7:03. That stupid chocolatier that lives across the street from your apartment had closed, so you had to go get her favorite kind of chocolates from some other store that was seven minutes in the opposite direction to where Laura lives and now you’re three minutes late, but you don’t think too much of it.

Laura’s your best friend. And best friends wait.

“I’m sorry I’m late-”, you say when she opens the door, and when you look at her, your jaw lands on the floor.

Laura is wearing a tight black dress that hugs her curves perfectly. Her hair is in loose curls and even her lips are painted in a dark red. She put in effort to get ready.

Just in the right moment you find your tongue muscles working again, “Wow… You look absolutely fantastic.”

“Thanks… You too- I love that choker of yours- Uhm- You look lovely in general.”

You look down at yourself and now feel like your sweater that you have paired with leather pants can’t compete to her attire. After that realization, you hand her over the chocolates that she loves so ferociously.

Laura thanks you and looks at you expectantly while pressing her lips together firmly. You swallow.

God she’s beautiful.

“What are you doing outside?”, her voice is soft and quiet, “Come in, Carmilla.”, she holds out her hand and you step in and it’s a weird thing to be taking her outstretched hand, so you just stare at it, until she drops it unceremoniously, albeit awkwardly.

You hate it that it’s so weird between you two.

“How was your day?”
“What do you wanna drink?”

Both of you speak at the same time and you chuckle at this.


“Whatever you have Laura.”

“Wine?”

“We only drink wine when we’re feeling fancy. Is today one of those days?”, you ask her, as you follow her into the kitchen.

“Well, I’m having dinner with the elusive, totally busy, super rich Carmilla Karnstein. Every day with you is fancy.”

You snort at her words, “Oh really?”, she pours you both two glasses, as you watch her, then your gaze wanders to the oven, the smell of food becoming prominent, “What are we having anyway?”

“Steak. You always complain about me overcooking it. I tried a different approach this time. I put them on the hot pan for thirty seconds on each side and now they are in the oven for a few minutes, so that it’s -hopefully- medium rare. I put them in, shortly before you came in, so…”

“All this trouble for me?”, you take a glass off her, when she offers.

Laura furrows her brows, “It’s like the second time in the duration of one minute that you’re pointing that out. Is it so out of this world that I want to do something for you solely?”

“No- No, that’s not what I meant.”

A timer goes off and Laura takes out the griddle pan out of the oven. It smells absolutely delightful.


“Sit down. I’m gonna be out in a minute.”, she orders you.

“Laur, I can help you-”

“Carmilla, go sit.”


You feel like a dog. That obeys.


Laura is never like that. Not that you dislike her superior tone. It sort of is appealing to you.

However, towards you she’s never been so adamant about certain things.

There is definitely something wrong with your friendship.


The place looks nice. Laura has set up all the furniture and the space is open and… Really spacious, even in its simplicity. It’s charming. Laura has installed a type of dividing curtain for where you suppose her bed is.

You stare a little too long in direction of that area.


“I hope it’s okay that I made a salad with it.”, Laura says, as she serves you your plate and you stare at her, and how gorgeous she looks, when she flashes you that sexy smile, when you thank her. Afterwards you stare at her hindsight a little too long, when she gets to her own seat opposite to you.

And your thoughts drift to the fact that you’d like all of this to mean more than it does.

“You’re perfect.”, she looks up from her plate with risen eyebrows, “I mean- Salad. Is perfect.”

Karnstein, you are an imbecile.





“How’s work?”, she asks while you’re both on her sofa. 

The memory of the last time you were in that place catches up with you. It’s been several days now, but you still feel her lips pressed against yours, whenever you think about it too graphically. Your imagination doesn’t leave you much choice. Art and Philosophy student over here.

That got dragged into the whole business deal, because of Maman.


“Going well. I bought into the Russian market.”, you respond to her question, and watch her take another sip of wine. Laura is already on her second glass, and you know that she tends to get drunk on wine too easily.

“Oh. Are you thinking of expanding?”

“Not quite yet. I have to invest money into market research, before I can really get into business. I just bought into some shares of a partner company.”

“Ohhkay, let’s not talk about business. My head’s gettin’ all dizzy.”, she chuckles, and you raise your eyebrow at her.

“You sure it’s not the wine?”, you say lightheartedly and she gives you another one of those piercing looks.

“I’m sure that it’s not that, yeah.”


You ignore her weird undertone, “How have you been?”

“Fine. It’s been a busy week for me at the CI.”

Laura works at an international news agency, which collects data all over the world. It’s always been her dream though to work for the big shots at Reuters.

“Yeah? Did some-”, you stop mid-sentence, because Laura empties her whole glass in one go and sets it down on the coffee table in front of her, “Woah there, sweetheart, maybe you should tone it down for a bit…”


“Carm?”, she finds your eyes and you flinch a little at the loudness of her voice. Just a few seconds ago it was soft and deliberate.


“Yes?”

“You can’t do this…”, she groans and shuffles, and sits up to be met with your frown.

“Do what?”


Laura falls forward and wraps you up in her arms. You let her. You melt with her so easily. Always have. Her scent engulfs you and you bring your hands up to rub at her back. Whatever inner turmoil she has going on, you want to soothe it.


“I love you.”, she says after a long sigh and leans back. Your heart is doing somersaults in your rib cage.

“I know. I love you too.”


She gives you a smile and it seems forced and you don’t let her get away with it anymore.


“Laura, what’s wrong?”

Your best friend leans her forehead against yours and you both just stare at each other’s eyes. Hers jump from one of your eye to the other, seeking for something. She seems frantic and you want to be able to soothe her. It used to be so easy to be her anchor. To be her shore. Her safe haven.


“What’s wrong is that you don’t understand. You don’t understand, and I want you to understand, but it’s so hard… I want you to know, and it’s hard.”

“Hey… What’s hard?”

Laura shakes her head, “I can’t tell you.”

You take her hands in yours and place chaste kisses to her knuckles, before matching her gaze.

“What is wrong? Please tell me. I’m your best friend. We tell each other everything.”


There is guilt running through your veins, because you didn’t tell her everything.


“I can’t. It will destroy everything.”

“Laura, never. You could never say anything that would ruin what we have.”

“Yeah?”, she almost challenges you, and then scoffs, “Nothing?”

“Nothing.”, you repeat again and affirm it with a nod.



“Not even the fact that I’ve been in love with you for all this time?”

Chapter Text

Carmilla always has been your best friend.

Okay, not always, always.

Minor crushing might have been involved in your initial first few months.

More like major crushing, brutally getting your heart ripped out by the sight of her making out with Elsie Rogerson by the lockers, and then never thinking of it again.

Okay, you totally have been pining on her for as long as you’ve gone to school together.

Which was only about a year. (Thank god!)

But you got your message then. Carmilla was into those types of girls.

Blondes with wicked experience and not some nerdy virgin.

Carm’s not been with her for that long though.

And you probably could have tried to dip your toe into the pool, but you were seventeen back then, and she was super gorgeous -like a hundred leagues above you- and yeah, you were one of those teenagers that felt like dying because of their first heart break.

Which is like totally funny in retrospect. You’ve cried so much over Carmilla, and she doesn’t even know.

And now you are best friends. She’s the closest person to you, other than Danny, your fiancée.

Sometimes you even think she’s got a bigger part of your heart than Danny does- in a totally platonic way of course!

Because you are engaged to Danny. And you love Danny. In another way. Not in the Carm-way.


See, after all of that pseudo-heartbreak with Carmilla happened, you both started off adulthood in college being friends. You had forgiven her -secretly, because duh, she didn’t know- for making you cry a river or two (Justin Timberlake helps to get over things, okay?) and you started to see her as your buddy.

It took a lot of time. Because Carm’s always been a bit handsy with you. And all the hugging and cuddling was a bit too much, but finally you made it through the friend zone.


And at the end of second term you met Danny.

Beautiful Danny that always had been a bit intriguing to you.

But she made you fall in love, because she knew how to woo you properly.


She was the first girl to really show interest in you, and gradually you fell, and it became easier and easier to let go of Carmilla Karnstein and her charms.

Danny was the perfect fairy tale story, and you remember Carm making fun of you for swooning so much, but secretly she probably wanted that for herself too.


Carmilla still actually is on the search for love. Her dating history isn’t very consistent and her relationships aren’t really what one would call long-term, but you know that she’s a romantic softie at heart that she just needs the perfect girl.

Because Carmilla is the nicest, greatest, bestest person you know.

That’s also why she agreed to go look at wedding venues with your fiancée. Even though Danny and her don’t get along that well. Not at all, even. You’ve tried to talk to Carm about it, and her answer always is that she feels animosity on Danny’s side, which isn’t true. Not really.

Danny actually does try harder than Carm to make it work from what you’ve seen so far. But yeah, you caught on some weird vibes.

And you have tried to keep those two apart at all costs all these years, but now you are getting married to Danny and you want her to get along with your best friend.


When you hug Carmilla, and she reciprocates, you feel so much lighter. You love her so much, and you are so glad to have a friend like her. She’s exceptional. She’s one of those people that you don’t get to meet that often.

Because Carmilla is your soulmate.

Whoever says you have to marry your soulmate is wrong. Because Danny is… Danny and Carm is totally your platonic soulmate, who will always stay that, no matter what, but still you need her to get along with your future wife.

Carmilla always makes you feel safe. Always tries to make you feel at peace, when you feel like everything is falling apart. And the fun part is, most of the time she doesn’t even know that you are having a bad day, but she’s still so very intuitive when it comes to you.

Soulmates.


When you go home and tell Danny over the phone about Carmilla agreeing to go venue hunting for the wedding, she groans.


“I seriously don’t understand what you see in her, babe. You two are very different.”, she says.



“That’s not true… And also… That’s the appeal… You and I are totally different too. That’s why you and I are together.”

“We are not that different. You like baseball, just like me. We both enjoy going to the movies and you and I have the same taste in music.”


You hate baseball, but back in first year you wanted to impress her and acted like you cared about it. Now you just go to the games to make her happy. 



Movies? Yeah, you like them. But Carmilla and you always have liked to go to theatre more than the big screens. Movies are for movie nights at home curled up with your best friend or fiancée in this case, but the theatre experience, and getting to see plays has always been a bigger priority for you.



And the music thing is partly true. Danny and you really have the complete same taste in music, whereas Carmilla always gets you to explore and listen to new music. Carm’s also someone, who enjoys a variety of genres and knows what she talks about, when introducing you to new stuff. It’s always refreshing with her.


But of course you don’t say that.

You don’t need more arguments of ‘Laura, could you stop feeding her infatuation with you?’.

Ugh, it’s getting old. Danny is so freaking jealous of everyone and everything that it gets on your nerves sometimes.


“Whatever… It’s already settled, Dan. Carm’s on her best behavior and you will be too. For me.”

You hear her sigh, “Of course. Everything for you, love.”

“Good… And now… Tell me. What were you in Buffalo for again?”

“Uh- Just some cases on air pollution.”, she stammers, and you grow annoyed again.

Danny thinks she can’t tell you about her work, because she’s the hotshot lawyer and you don’t understand a bit of Canadian legislative.

“Ohkay… So you’ll be back on Tuesday?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

“Me too. Gotta go. Love you.”, she tells you and you inhale sharply. You don’t know why exactly.

“You too.”


*


You come home to find Danny going through paperwork on your dining table.

“Hey, how was your day with Carmilla?”, you ask, as you walk by her.

“It was pretty okay actually. Awkward, but alright. We agreed on a venue. On Chapel’s Hill, with the big vineyard. I think that will look good on the photos, don’t you?”, she even has a picture to show you.

“Wow Danny… That was the one with the capacity of 800 people, right?”

She shakes her head, “I know you want to have a little wedding. Not more than 150 guests. I promise…”

“No, that’s not what I meant. I mean because of what they want for the venue. We have to count in catering and all. This is a high budget wedding already…”

Danny gets ahold of your hands and pulls you towards her, “I’d do everything for you. A wedding’s not something you do over and over, right? Think about it… We’re gonna be relishing in those memories forever.”


Her words weigh you down. Forever. She wants you forever.


It’s always been like running a never-ending marathon with her.

She’s always ahead of you, never loosing energy, knowing exactly where to next, knowing how to portion her energy for the long run, knowing exactly how it will go in future, because she has been prepared, she has plans.

And you are trying to catch up, you are trying to be what she wants you to be. She wants you to run alongside her, but you’d rather like to wait for a second. You’d like to refill your energies. Because trying to be on her pace takes up a lot of it.


Danny has not always given you reason to trust her blindly.

And there is still residual doubt, whenever you think about your joint future.

Which probably is horrible, because she has been so good to you in the past few months.


She bought you a friggin rock to decorate your left ring finger with.

And still you think about the past. It isn’t fair. It was only a mistake. A stupid mistake.


*


Some days later you call Carm to talk about how well everything went with your fiancée and the venue she has picked out with Danny, and then she talks about marriage, and proposals and about a potential girl that you apparently would tell all her secrets to.


And you feel jealous.

And you hate yourself for it so much.

Because… Because you are getting married to Danny.


*


You don’t know what exactly happens. Because everything seemed to be so fine in one moment, but in the other Carmilla vanishes again into nothingness.

When you send her some emails with wedding invitation drafts, and she doesn’t reply, you get irked at her behavior. It’s a rude thing to do. It’s not like she’s the busiest woman on earth.

You know that she sometimes can work like it depended on it, but the key factor here remains that she doesn’t. For the last two year’s she’s been a figure head until she had her masters programme completed, and now she’s been running her mother’s company for a few months on her own.

However, the company could go on without her. And you know that she knows, and she does also act like it sometimes. She mostly doesn’t go into office. So of course you don’t buy it, when she tells you that she has been busy with work when you run into her at your favorite pizza place.


That place holds a lot of memories with her actually. You still go there, even though you live on the other side of the town now. It is like coming home, or traveling back into the past to simpler days on which Danny didn’t exist in either of your lives yet.

Of course you are a horrible person and don’t catch on Carm’s abrasiveness, when you start talking about the girl she’s been seeing for some weeks now. You want to bite off your tongue, when she tells you that they broke up.

Carmilla vanishes after her outburst about how you’ve been self-centered all this time, and you can’t really blame her. You wouldn’t want her to flaunt her perfect life, when you were down either.


*


When Danny leaves for yet another one of her business trips, you take it as a chance to go see Carm.

You know it is kind of wrong, because you don’t really plan on telling your fiancé about that.

Lately you haven’t really felt connected to her. It’s like there is something between you two. You know that the wedding is approaching, even though there is a lot of time until September, but still.

It’s not like this means something either. Your best friend’s hurting, and you want to be there to comfort her. It’s not worth fighting over.

Because there would be a fight about this.


What Danny doesn’t know…


It’s a bad feeling, but guilt is something you can live with in regards to Danny. In regards to Carmilla on the other hand, you cannot leave it at that. You can’t let her down. That’s not what friends do.


When Carmilla opens the door for you, looking tired and worn out, you immediately feel for her. You hate seeing your best friend like this.

Broken and miserable.

She doesn’t give you a real answer to why she is so sad and doesn’t explain her broody behavior.

Carmilla tells you that she doesn’t really mourn her breakup with Ell, but that gives you the courage to speak it out loud.

The woman that she is, Carmilla doesn’t even let you finish, but assures you that everything is fine and that she only needed time to herself.

You don’t buy it. Because that’s not typical for her.

However you don’t want to dwell on it either, because now you’re in her apartment and she’s not mad and you both can be lonely together.


*


You try not to be too mad at her, when she does it again.

She doesn’t talk to you for the entirety of five weeks straight.

It was a sort of test, to see if she would ever call/write if you didn’t.


She doesn’t.


And you are miserable, because you would actually like your best friend to act like one.



*


You are having lunch with your future wife, absently picking through the peas that she forces you to eat. There hasn’t been really a time in which she hasn’t tried to meddle into your diet.

Peas are really your least favorite thing.

“We should have Carmilla over. To talk about the wedding. And to talk dresses. Because I’m not gonna let her wear black to our wedding. Just so it’s clear. I know she’s your bestie or whatever, but I will not bend for that woman. Not over this, and certainly not on my wedding day.”

After Danny utters Carmilla’s name, you don’t really pay attention.

It’s anger. And hurt that’s clouding your mind.

“Sounds great, babe.”

“I’m gonna call her and ask her, if she has time on Friday okay? For dinner?”

“Mhm.”


*


Carmilla shakes Danny’s hand, when she enters your house. You see that from the kitchen and already that tiny action makes you mad.

You wanna run towards her, and shove her for being so insensitive, and for being such a bad friend and tell her you hate her for not calling. You want to tell her you hate how it’s been between you two lately. You want to scream and shout, but you don’t.

Because you are getting married soon. Marriage always means the next step to adulthood.

You already feel like a housewife that makes dinner for your friend and fiancée, you can’t also put in the crazy, lunatic side into it.

Oh god, you are one of the characters of that stupid silent movie that Carm likes to watch so much.


When you join Danny and Carmilla in the living room, you greet her with an ice cold ‘Hello’ that is equally reciprocated with a half-ass ‘Hi’, and you feel a little bit better when you see her being bashful about it.

She feels bad, and you want her to feel bad. You have so many bad feelings about her that it’s out of the world.

And simultaneously you want to wrap her up in your arms and cry into her shoulder, because she is the only one who can comfort you.

Danny tries, but most of the time she doesn’t understand, or she doesn’t even know why you are upset.


“Dinner is ready.”, you say sweetly and you want to puke.

You’ve become a Stepford wife.

Horrible.


Carmilla asks Danny for the pepper mill, even though it’s right beside your plate and you shoot her a glare. Your best friend clears her throat at your blatant animosity, but chooses not to comment.

Carmilla Karnstein just went from brooding badasshole to the sweet little lamb. Oh please.

You grow more and more aggravated at every single thing she does.

For instance when she fakes interest in Danny’s work at the local court, or for when she compliments on her choice of wine.

She’s just about to put a spoonful of dessert into her mouth, when you bang your hand onto the table.


“That’s it!”, Carmilla flinches, and Danny’s head turns to you, “Are you gonna finally tell me why you’ve evaporated into thin air in the last weeks?!”

You are so sick of Carm pretending like everything is okay between you two.

Because A) she is horrible at pretending, and B) you hate that there is a barrier between you two.

You would like to know what exactly changed, what exactly happened for her to be so aloof. Because Carmilla is such a warm person, and she used to show you how much she cares about you, but all you get is her cold shoulder. And you’re so sick of it.

Carmilla is silent for a long time. You feel like with every second that passes by, there is more of the color red in her face. It’s like there is an inner conflict, but then she meets your gaze.

And a flame blazes, and you stare at each other, before Carmilla looks to Danny, who is sitting next to you.

You don’t look away from her. You don’t let her get away. You can’t let her slip away like this.


“I’ve been busy.”


That famous sentence that she uses, whenever there is no other argument left as to why she cannot take away five fucking minutes out of her schedule to talk to you.


“Laura-”, you don’t know what Danny is going to say, and frankly you don’t care.

You wave her off with a hand, “Can I talk to Carmilla alone please? Uhm- The wine... We need more wine. I just need a sec.”



You feel Danny’s eyes burn into you, but you can’t look away from that infuriating woman sitting across from you. You want to lunge at her. God, how can she get such a rise out of you for nothing?

Except it is not nothing. Carmilla.

She is your best friend, and your soothing instance, so of course you’re gonna overflow with emotions, when she can’t ground you, when she can’t calm your waves.

When she won’t be there to help you settle.


“What’s going on, Carmilla?”, you ask her in a more composed tone, when Danny leaves the room.

Carm shifts a bit on her seat, looking down, “Nothing’s going on.”

“You’re being like…”

She’s being like that time before she just vanished out of your life, taking a year of Art classes in Guatemala to ‘broaden her horizons’.

You had called it bullshit, you had called her out on being a coward, because for her it was so easy to leave everything behind.

And it was ironic, really. Because she’s always been complaining about her mother never being there for her. How she never got the love she wanted from her parent, but then she did the same thing to you.

You wept into your sleep on many nights, and kept asking yourself why she didn’t love you enough. Why she didn’t love you enough to stay. Maybe also why she didn’t love you at all.


“Like what, Laura?”, there is a sudden bite in her voice.



Carmilla doesn’t like talking about that particular time in her life. A lot has happened since then, and she actually got better after coming back. You built up your friendship again. You forgave each other everything.

She got over the fact that you called her all those horrible things, when she’d gone, and you oversaw the fact that she left you alone.

You had Danny.

That was her trying to get herself out of the affair.

You had Danny, Laura.

But you wanted her. You’ve always wanted her too.


Your voice is quiet, almost a whisper, like you are afraid that if you say it quiet enough, she won’t hear, or that she will forgive you for bringing it up again, “Like that time after your mother died. You’re distancing yourself from me again. It sure as hell feels like that… You not really caring for anything-”


“Yeah? Maybe I am distancing myself! Maybe I am trying to show you that I don’t care! Maybe I fucking don’t want to be sitting here, listening to you two lovebirds go on about your wedding!”


Your words escape. Your mind goes blank.

Carmilla never has been this aggressive about her feelings towards the wedding.

And you somehow get her. It must be frustrating to see someone so close to her have the life that she maybe wants too.


“Are you jealous?”, you ask her with wide eyes.

“Jealous? Of what would I be jealous? Of you? That you’re marrying someone who’s double your size? Or of Danny? Because she’s marrying an self-absorbed egomaniac? Because both of you are a perfect match.”

You blink.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.


“I think you should go, Carmilla. I won’t let you talk to my fiancée like that.”




You fight with Danny that night. It is one of the heavier ones you’ve had in the last couple of months.

See, usually you don’t get so passionate about things with Danny. Because you mostly just relent and concede.

Just suck it up.

However, Carmilla… With Carmilla leaving you that emotional mess, it doesn’t take much to explode completely.

Especially when Danny comes with her best argument.


“What is going on, Laura? Why does she get under your skin so much?”

“Because she’s important to me, for fuck’s sake! When are you gonna get that?”

Danny’s expression turns sour, “Yeah, I know how much you care about her. How much you both care for each other. It’s sick. It makes me sick, watching you two. It makes me wonder why I’m the one marrying you.”

You scoff, “Oh don’t you dare go there now!”

“Why? Because it’s true? Because little Laura wants to forget about that, and wants to pretend like she’s fucking perfect? Guess what, you’re not. You always talk about how noble you are, because you didn’t… Because you didn’t do certain things in our relationship, but your friendship with Carmilla is just as bad as me sleeping with another girl.”

You can’t believe that she really compared those two things.

“I never paint myself to be the little, naive Laura. I forgave you, Danny. I forgave you. I never bring it up. NEVER.”

“Well maybe that’s the thing Laura. That you don’t care. You’re cold. You accused Carmilla of being distant… But that’s what you are too. You’re cold, and closed off.”

You feel like your entire world’s stopping.

In what kind of sick, twisted universe are you?

“Are you mad at me for not being upset enough that you- Wait… What?”

“Nothing.”, she huffs and sighs, “I’m going to go to bed.”


You sit down on the dining table and think about the fact that it really does leave you cold that you just fought with your fiancée. But you don’t even feel bad about it. You just feel empty.

And for the first time in a long time, you really actively urge yourself to find good reasons to marry Danny.

The one that usually comes to mind escapes you.

Because she doesn’t seem like the logical choice anymore.


*


You run into LaFontaine on your way to work one day. They are one of Carmilla’s best friends.

You are not sure how they get along so well -with that many differences, but hey, a friend of Carm’s is a friend of yours.


“How are the wedding plans? Was Danny already successful in Mission: Get Carmilla Out Of The Way?”, they laugh and you just stare at them blankly.

“What do you mean?”

“About what Danny said to Carmilla? About Carmilla needing to back off? I mean- Don’t take it personally Hollis, but your fiancée’s a little extra, don’t ya think?”

“What are you even talking about?”

LaFontaine frowns, “Carmilla didn’t tell you?”

“No.”

“Okay, I already said too much… Please don’t tell Carmilla I said anything…”

You just nod dazedly, as they scramble away.


*


You confront Danny about it at night, when you’re both lying in bed.

She says nothing that matters to her defense.

And you don’t even press on. Just want her to know that you know.


“I’m going to be away for a few days.”, she tells you weakly.


“Okay.”, you lie on your back, playing with the diamond on your left ring finger.


It feels odd. All these weeks you hadn’t really paid that much attention to it.

However now it feels like it got heavier. You play with it constantly.

Occasionally you slip it off, just to feel free again.

Only for a few minutes though.


*


Carmilla surprises you at your work place. She even has those delicious truffle chocolates with her that you like so much.

And for a second you want to throw yourself at her and embrace her, and tell sorry in Danny’s behalf, but then you think about how you lay awake at night and thought about the fact that your friendship apparently wasn’t worth it for her to fight for.

That she budged, and did what Danny wanted from her just like that. That it didn’t take her long to just vanish from your life.

So you ignore her, when she presses further, ignore all her sweet-talking.

Carmilla is persistent though, and wants to take you to dinner.

And maybe you like getting all this attention from her.

Just then you think about the fact that she’s here, trying, and you cannot stay mad at her for too long.


However, you don’t let her know that you know about the Danny issue.

Because the moment you would, she probably wouldn’t feel like she has to make up anything to you, and maybe this is a horrible friend-move of you, but you need attention from Carmilla in the moment.

She’s your soulmate. And your best friend. So you need her to be that.



There are two things that you find out in regards to your best friend:

Carmilla talking about business is really sexy, and you love her like this.
And Carmilla is really sorry for cutting you off, and you forgive her easily.

You think that everything’s okay again, until her apology turns into her revelation of her run-in with your fiancée.


The moment she says that she saw Danny in front of the Hilton, you know.

And you feel so dumb for not seeing it earlier. For overseeing all the facts.

All those shady business trips, all those late night hours at her law firm.


You smile at Carmilla, for she is so utterly oblivious of what she just did.


And you are surprised by how well you can hide things from her, when you really try hard.

Or maybe time apart from you has made her be less of an expert in your field.

Though you really hope that that isn’t the case here.


What is a bit weird, is the fact that you rather dwell on Carmilla, and how you’re gonna get that mood shift of yours past her, than what you’re going to do about the real issue at hand: namely your soon-to-be-wife sort of caught in flagrante delicto, as she would say so factually.





Carmilla drives you home and you both wait in front of the house for a bit. You glance over and find the lights off.

Another reminder that someone is busy fucking someone else at the moment.

You feel more sorry about the other girl than about yourself, because she got on with a cheating b-bad person and now that is a weird thought.

When Carmilla ignites her motor, to look at the clock in her dash, you get reminded by the fact that you’ve been camping out in her car without good reason (at least for her) and you decide to call it a night.

You lean over the middle console and place a kiss on her cheek.


“Thank you for taking me out tonight.”

Carmilla’s beauty in the moonlight is something mesmerizing.

Her face, so pretty and her lips -the dark contrast to her otherwise pale face- curl upwards.

“It’s no big deal, really.”


For you it is a big deal. Because she doesn’t know, how much you needed her tonight.

And maybe never will. You haven’t decided yet.


*


Danny calls to let you know that she’s going to be away for two more days, and talks on about some case and you feel sick. You feel sick for her. That she has become so good at lying.

Chronic. When something gets incorporated, you can’t get out of the circle.

Maybe, just maybe it’s your fault. Maybe you’re not good enough. Maybe the other girl’s better.


You cry for two hours straight, before you decide that you cannot be sleeping in your bed right now.

The bed you share with Danny becomes unbearable. Your house becomes unbearable and you feel like you can’t breathe.


So you walk the 1.3 miles to Carmilla’s place and knock at her door in the middle of the night, hoping for her to be awake.


Hoping for her to be able to ground you.

Because that’s what she always does.


And the moment you find yourself in her arms, you can’t hold it at bay anymore. All you grief, all your doubts about yourself translate into crying. And you cry without Carmilla really questioning you.


You cry until there is no energy left for you to cry and Carm takes off your vest and guides you to the couch and you both cuddle up on it and you won’t remember falling asleep with her, the next day, but you do sleep at some point, and even though the day was one of the most horrible days that you had yet to endure, it’s also one of the most beautiful ones, because Carmilla is there.


*


“You are not marrying her anymore, are you? Tell me you are not thinking about marrying her, Laura.”, she demands.

She yells at you, oh yes she yells, with her hands on your face. Her tone dangerous, and desperate, and you know how she feels, because you’ve been begging yourself not to put up with that anymore.


Danny has been a part of your life for six years, and just you can’t throw it away that easily.

You just can’t go so easily now. There is just something tearing on you.

It’s fear that when you get out now, everything will have been for nothing.





“How fucking stupid can you be? How fucking stupid, Laura? How…?”




And yeah, you have asked yourself that too.

How stupid could you be, Laura?


*


You go home to pack up some things. You told your co-worker and friend Betty about the situation, and she immediately offered you a place in her guest room.

The moment you arrive at her place, she greets you with open arms, and a few bottles of wine. You drown yourself in sorrow and the pain of feeling betrayed. Again.


*


When you come home and drop your suitcase at the foot of the bed -not yours anymore, Danny emerges from the bathroom and smiles upon seeing you.


“There you are! Sorry that I came back today instead of yesterday. So much to do.”

She didn’t even realize you were gone.

Danny approaches you, and with every step she takes towards you, you feel more ready to let go.

You walk around her, dodging her arms aiming for you, probably to kiss you as a greeting or maybe only hug you.


“Yeah, I came by to get a few things. I’ll be gone again soon.”

“Gone again?”, she questions you, and just then she sees the suitcase by the bed.


“I’m staying at a co-worker’s right now.”

“What?”

You get to your wardrobe and retrieve some fresh underwear, throwing it in the general direction of your bed. You do the same with some jeans and sweaters.

“What’s going on? Where are you going?”

“I just told you.”

You are maybe enjoying this too much, but guilt really doesn’t suit you in this situation.

“Laura, what is going on?”, she places a hand on your shoulder and for that you explode on her completely.


“DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE HANDS NOW.”

“What?!”

“I know Danny. I know.”, your tears that you had kept in check for this threaten to spill.

The look on your fiancée’s face hardens, and she swallows. You see the apology on the tip of her tongue, but you shake your head and make your way around her again.


“I don’t wanna hear you deny it, nor do I need any explanations. I just really need to get out of this house, and I need you to not contact me in any way. I will talk to you when I’m ready, but I cannot sleep here in this house with you. I can’t even bear looking at you right now.”

“How do you know?”

You laugh at her, “How do I- Really? That’s what’s important to you now? Fine. Carm saw you outside of the Hilton some days ago, when you were supposed to be on a business trip. That’s how I know.”

“Laura, Carmilla’s just trying to mess with you- She just wants you for herself, can’t you see it?”

And it hurts so much to hear that. Because of so many reasons.

Carmilla never would want you like this, you know for a fact.

And Carmilla also never would do that to you.


In this order. You prioritize your reasonings like this.

For the first time you really ask yourself, how you had said ‘yes’ to Danny so easily. When you’ve seen the end, before it all even began.




“Yeah well, you can say all the bad things you want about Carmilla, but even when she’s distant, she’s closer to me than you’ll ever be.”

It strikes a nerve and you feel victory settle in you.


*


The evidence for how much Carmilla cares for you comes in the following week.

Because you receive an email from her that you read over and over again.

And then there is your co-worker telling you that someone keeps calling in and asking if you go to work regularly.

When you check the number Natalie gives you, you find out that it is Carmilla’s office calling.


Those are the two times you smile in that week.

Because Carm’s always like that.

Subtle and caring.


And you can admit that you feel good about it.

But you’re on the verge of leaving your fiancée, and you can’t let Carmilla distract you or influence you in your choice.

Because as much as you tried to ignore your feelings for your best friend, you know that not every feeling went away when you started dating Danny.

You still were pretty much attached to Carm.

And you cannot let that cloud your judgements.

Ultimately this is you making a choice for yourself.


*


You find all your courage and go confront Danny.

When you walk into the house, you find your fiancée in the kitchen.

There is a look of relief on her face upon seeing you coming home, she is smiling.


But then that vanishes, when she sees that you are fidgeting with your hands.

Even though Danny doesn’t know you as well as Carmilla does, she knows your mannerisms.

It’s funny that she really thought that she was going to get away with this again. That you would forgive her this time.


“We should talk.”

She nods and you both move to sit down at your dining table.


“How are you?”, is the first thing she asks you and you shrug.

“The woman that I wanted to marry cheated on me. How do you think I feel?”


Danny winces at your harsh tone. She hesitates, “Wanted to marry?”

Just then she sees why you are fidgeting so much with your hands.

Your left hand is empty. The engagement ring isn’t on your ring finger anymore.


“I thought about this, and-”, but she doesn’t let you finish.

“You know...”, she scoffs, “I did everything for you. I tried to be exactly what you wanted. I tried to accommodate you. I tried to be the girl you love, but it never was me, wasn’t it?”

“Danny, this is in no way about Carmilla. Carmilla and I are friends. And you can’t give her the fault for cheating on me. Nor can you make her responsible for telling me. She didn’t even know what you were doing. She just told me that she ran into you and the rest was my imagination. And apparently I was right about it.”

Danny shakes her head, “I actually wasn’t insinuating that Carmilla was the one either, but now I see how it is. I talk about the girl you love, and instantly your mind goes to her… God, I was right all this fucking time, wasn’t I? You are just as much in love with her, as she is with you.”

“No!!!”, you are having a hard time keeping your composure, “Again… Danny. This isn’t about Carmilla here. Don’t deflect on Carmilla now. This is about you crossing a line. The line of trust and loyalty. You wanted to marry me, you wanted to build a life with me, and then you go sleep with someone else. This is the key problem here.”


“What? That I wanted sex?”

That one throws you off.

“Is this seriously your reasoning?”

“Laura. We’ve been together for six years.”

“So what? You needed something new? Something fresh? Did you think you could be with that other girl and also be married to me?”

“No, but I have needs too, you know? Do you remember the last time we had sex? Because I don’t.”


There is something so wrong about this conversation.

Because you shouldn’t be feeling bad about making this decision.

Yet here you are, thinking that all of this is your fault. Maybe Danny is right.


But you don’t show your inner battle with yourself, because you can’t stay engaged to her.

Maybe the reason for the bad feeling also is you knowing that somehow Danny’s words were right. Because even though you haven’t cheated on her physically, there always has been a part of your heart reserved to someone else. Someone you can’t have anyway.


“Then we’ve established that this was long over before I found out, right? Why didn’t you just leave me? Why didn’t you let me go? Was it because I was naive and gullible? Because I believed in you?”, you ask her in an attempt to get some of your questions answered.

“No! It’s because I love you! Because I want to spend the rest of my life with you! I make mistakes! I know, my way to handle things aren’t the right ones- And maybe my credibility is tainted right now, but I never meant to hurt you Laura…”

“But you did. And I don’t think this is something we can recover from. I know that I can’t.”

“Because Carmilla…”

“Danny, please don’t bring her into this. Like I said, she has nothing to do with this decision.”

She really doesn’t. That’s the reason you haven’t kept in touch with her in the last days. Because maybe she would have had an bigger impact on your words now. But you came to realize that it really was what you wanted. What you probably wanted all this time. You just couldn’t make yourself take this step, because your lives are intertwined, and it is hard leaving someone that you’ve been with for such a long time.

“You know… I always knew. When I met Carmilla for the first time, I knew. Because you looked at her in a way I wanted you to see me. And she did too, when you weren’t paying attention. And I was so jealous. I thought. I thought that if I can make you fall in love with me, if I can just make you see… I was afraid of her. And I was right… Now she did manage to get you to leave me.”

It’s like talking to a wall. You can tell her that Carm’s not at fault all you like, but she won’t listen. And you get her. Because she’s had it all spun out in her mind, and she is so fixated on this issue, that you can’t get her to see how broken the rest of it is.

And maybe you don’t need to forgive her for everything.

Maybe some things don’t deserve forgiveness.


“I’m gonna get my stuff, when I find a new apartment. And… Here…”, you take the ring out of your coat’s pocket, “Give it to someone who you love so much that you can’t even think about sleeping with someone else.”

Danny just snorts and leaves the room to go upstairs.

You could have guessed that it was not going to be so easy.


But the feeling you get, when you set the ring onto the dining table, and walk out of that place is oddly liberating.


You look back, and see some memories flash through.

And yeah, you just left a whole life behind. But it’s true.

Endings have to happen for new beginnings to blossom.


*


So you go live with Betty for a few more weeks.

You invest all your new found energy that you have now into your work.

And spontaneously when you pass the hair product aisle in a drugstore, you decide to dye your hair blonde.




Changes.

They are needed.

And they are not that bad.



*


You see Carmilla when you’re just about to get some pizza for your TV marathon at home. Betty is away with her boyfriend for a few days, and you thought that you could binge watch some shows, but then fate has other plans for you.

Carm’s staring at something dreamily and you can see that she has blanked out, so you go sit next to her in the booth.

You both make small talk, as if it wasn’t absolutely nice to see each other. You let her hug you to death, and you love how she clings to you.

When Carmilla tells you that she likes your new hair, your heart skips several beats, and you feel a little bad for having feelings like these so soon after your separation from Danny.

Your best friend agrees to a spontaneous movie night (much better than watching by yourself) and you find yourselves in her apartment pretty quickly.


Carmilla makes you popcorn, and you see her putting a little bit more caramel syrup onto your share than she usually does.

It’s those small things, you realize. The small things she does to make your life just a little better.

And you need her so much that you can’t imagine not having her as a friend.


When you learn that Danny has been at Carmilla’s office, it makes you angry, because she doesn’t deserve being made responsible. She has nothing to do with it.

It’s only Danny’s fault and yours. It’s between the two of you.

Because see, you came to realize that Danny had been right about certain things in regards to you. She would tell you that you were distant, and that you were cold. You are cold, you are distant to her. You thought that it only started after she cheated for the first time, but deep inside you know that there always had been a distance between you two.

A distance she didn’t catch on before. A distance that grew to be miles apart, after you knew of her betrayal, and that expanded exponentially with every passing year that you spent with her.


When Carm tells you that Danny didn’t deserve you, you also think about the fact that you both probably didn’t fit. That you both didn’t deserve to be bound to each other. Because what you said to Danny was true. She should be with someone who is the whole world to her, who she never would be able to cheat on, who is enough for her.

Your love wasn’t enough for her, and hers wasn’t enough for you.

The art of letting go is an intricate one, but one that must be mastered.

So you tell Carmilla all about it. Even give her some insight into daily life with Danny. About how she thought/thinks that Carmilla has played a part from the beginning, you try to analyze her, while saying some things out loud, and she listens, and apologizes for her absence five years ago. When you would have needed your best friend.


Maybe she would have given you the strength to leave Danny back then.

You truly don’t understand yourself, now thinking of it.

Why did you not leave her earlier?

Why did you hold on?


It comes naturally to you, when you tell Carmilla that she is your most favorite person on earth, because she is. And it is so easy telling her. The thought is so omnipresent, and so utterly and breathtakingly true, and has been for such a long time.


And you don’t feel bad for telling her ten hot seconds after leaving the person that you were about to marry. Because you don’t think of it as that anymore.

You think of it as a chance to learn from it. To take that lesson with you.


*


The process of healing is a gradual one. So you gradually overcome the setback in your life. You feel more and more like yourself with each day that goes by. You’re free. You feel free and liberated, and like something has been taken off you. The weight that was weighing you down fades away, until you feel like flying.

Maybe Carmilla plays a part in it.

You drive to a small cabin in the woods that belonged to Carmilla’s mother, where you went after graduation to de-stress from all the big tests and exams.

The memories come back to you so easily. You were carefree back then. And so young. Young and foolish, not knowing of heartbreak and betrayal.


At least not in that sense. Heartbreak was still a thing back then.

But compared to what you feel now about a certain someone, it was nothing back then.

Because back then you hadn’t built such a profound, solid relationship with Carmilla. You were friends, yes, but this now…


“Can I ask you a question?”, Carmilla wants to know one night, while in bed.

You turn to her and she looks up to be met with a nod.


“Why didn’t you leave Danny sooner? Why put up with that?”

It’s a question that you’ve asked yourself so often, laying awake at night.

“Because I thought that she was all I had in my life. I build my life around hers, Carm.”

“But that’s not true. You had your dad. You had your friends.”, Carmilla sits up a bit and then gnaws on her lip in that cute way, “You have me.”

Your heart hurts, when she says it. Because no, you don’t. You never did. Not like you wanted her.

“Maybe some things happen for a reason.”, you tell her and you are not quite sure if you believe it yourself, and also you know that this wasn’t a real answer to her question, but it’s all you can say without saying too much.

Without letting her know what you really feel deep inside.


Because it is so much more complicated.



*




It happens only a few days after, when you both are on your second trip, visiting your dad (Carmilla took off from work with you to drive you and be there for you- that’s how much of a good friend she can be).

Carmilla falls asleep on the couch while you are about to watch Friends, and you observe her in her sleep.

She is so beautiful, when there isn’t that constant rigid expression on her.

One that you saw earlier, when she was so concentrated on the TV screen.

You watch her in everything she does, and you always find a thing or two beautiful.

But Carm, when she’s sleeping is a different kind of beauty. Her slightly furrowed brows and that smirk are to die for.

So you can’t help yourself, but to touch her. You drive your fingertips over her face, smooth out her hair that was falling over one of her eyes and she leans into the touch unconsciously, and for a moment your heart stops beating.

And then you kiss her forehead and you are about to leave the room to go fetch a blanket for her, when you see your father at the doorway, who apparently has been standing there for some time.


“Does she know?”, is what he asks, and you know what his implication means.

“There is nothing to know, dad. She’s my best friend.”

“Then why did you know what I was talking about?”



“Dad please…”

“Honey, I always taught you to be true to yourself and to what you feel, didn’t I?”

“This isn’t like that…”

You pass him and throw him a pleading look, and he sighs and tells you he loves you and that he’s there for you and you want to break down, but you don’t.


*


It takes a rewatch of Titanic with Carmilla in her apartment to break down the walls.

Because at some point you envy Jack and Rose, even though their romance was short lived.

You envy Rose for having him for that short amount of time, and you pity yourself for thinking like that.


Carmilla is there to catch you and she tells you that she’s there for you, when you cry into her shoulder and you want to take her face into your hands and kiss her for saying that.

You want to show her, how much her words mean, but you can’t and that makes you cry even more.


“Hey, I know it’s hard right now… But…”, Carmilla urges you to look at her, and when you do, she wipes away your tears, “Laura Lawrence sounds weird anyway.”

You burst into laughter, and she does too, and her smile seems to be the fuel for the machine that is your heart, because it beats so much faster, when she does that.


And you think about the fact that your dad’s right.

He did teach you that you need to own up to what you feel.



*



The prospect of being able to live close to Carm makes you say yes to the very first apartment you see. It’s a small rundown studio just down the street from where Carmilla lives.

She tries to talk you out of it.


Laura, I can’t live with the knowledge that my best friend houses in what seems like the setting of a horror movie. You know… The scene, where some girl takes heroin and then passes out on a mattress only to be woken up by a guy that rapes her and then leaves her dead body to be found in the dumpster? That kind of movie?


And you had just laughed and told the realtor that you are going to take it.


‘Unacceptable!’, she had cried out and was gesturing around with her hands to signify her disapproval.


*


Carmilla helps you move, she even helps you clean that place and paint the walls.


You can’t live in a place that has the word ‘cunt’ all over the walls, Laura.


On a Saturday, when you have off she helps you move in some stuff. Along with the couch that you had picked out in the furniture store. Carmilla must love you a lot for wanting to help you with that thing, because it sure is heavy.



You don’t know how exactly it happens, because later on all you remember is how you land on top of Carmilla with her hands on your hips. Her index touching the skin, where your shirt has ridden up, and you feel the energy shift.

You fall forwards, because she doesn’t stop tickling you, and you feel her chest brushing against yours and her smooth hair on your forearms from where they are propped up beside her head, you just know.

This is the opportunity, and you just have to kiss her.

Carmilla licks her lips and you just get more and more reason for why you want to be kissing her, and then you just stop your inner chant and you do.

You press your lips onto hers, pouring your feelings into the gesture, because it’s desperate and chaotic, and so, so good.

And Carm doesn’t even pull back or push you away.

You’ve never known just how much of a good kisser Carmilla is (for obvious reasons) and you sort of lose yourself in the feeling of her tongue meeting yours, her hands in your hair, demanding for you to be closer, and your hand develops a mind on its own as it wanders under her shirt.

Your life really doesn’t want you to have that moment, apparently, because you get interrupted much too quickly.

At some point you want to curse your cell phone, but you pick up nonetheless, “Hello?”

You look down to meet Carmilla’s hazy gaze. Her lips are parted and her eyes are half lidded and you want to throw the phone out of the window and throw yourself at her and kiss her until there is no tomorrow anymore.

The irony is a freaking funny one, when it’s Danny’s voice that gets you back to reality much too soon.



Carmilla gets out of there the moment she knows who you are talking to. You have no idea what your ex-fiancée wants from you, but aside of other things, your dad also taught you to always hear people out.

Danny calls to apologize. That she has seen her mistake, and that she wants you to be happy, with whomever it may be. And that she would like for you to maybe meet and talk about things.

Even though it’s a nice sentiment and you are grateful that she had the courage to do that, you also tell her how you can’t. That you are going to come by the house when she isn’t in, to retrieve the rest of your things.

You also tell her that you are disappointed in her for dragging Carmilla into this whole mess. That you know that she went to Carmilla’s office and she even apologizes for that.



“I was drunk. And lonely. And that was on my mind. I know that she doesn’t- That you have had enough reason to leave me, without her interfering… I just wish that I wouldn’t have let it come this far. That you would still see me the way you did before I screwed things up between us. What I said… That you didn’t give me what I needed- I can see how hard it must have been for you to let me touch you after I…”

You are surprised by this sudden turn.

“How come?”

“Let’s just say, I know now how you felt?”

You don’t press further. You can imagine what that means.

“Okay. Thank you. For your call. I have to get back to things.”

“Have a nice life Laura. I’m always just a phone call away…”




“… But it doesn’t mean that you can experiment on me now or that I’m gonna blindly fall in love with you.”


It hits you like a bucket full of ice.


Of course she is not.

Because you haven’t shown her how serious you are.

Or how serious you can be about this topic, about her, about your feelings for her.


You call your dad on that night and tell him about how you’ve been in love with your best friend for eight full years and ask what you should do, because apparently you have screwed everything up.

He gives you the only advice that makes sense.


“You have to tell her, Laur.”


*


When Carmilla calls you a few days after the kiss, you don’t pick up.

You heart yearns for her, to hear her voice.

But you need a plan.



It seems as though the world is trying to send you signals.

Because the first time you go out to buy some groceries, you run into her.

It’s very, very awkward. You babble about being super okay, and Carmilla looks skeptical.


And you make it all better, when you blurt out an invitation out of nowhere.

But it seemed like a good idea. In those 0.5 seconds it really did.

You hate yourself because you have to do so much stuff!


While you marinate the steaks you have bought for both you and Carm, you plan on telling her.





See, Carmilla is a beautiful woman.

Of course she is. That’s also one of the many reasons for why your teenage-self was so into her.

With her eighteen years, Carmilla had such a maturity surrounding her. She seemed like so much smarter than the rest.

It’s partly because she grew up without a her mother, you suppose. Because her mother would be on business trips, and Carmilla was left alone to grow up.

Carmilla taught everything herself, and along with it, she also taught you a lot of stuff. It’s the reason you admire her so much (even though you sometimes mock her about being too out of the world).


But that could also be called bad flirting on your part.


However, there she is, looking absolutely beautiful in her dusky pink sweater and those leather pants, because damn you always were a sucker for her legs -and other parts of her body- in those, and that choker…


Does she want you to drool all over her this whole night?

You find your speech pretty soon -though a little bit of stammering is involved and can even hold up a real conversation with her.


Carmilla tells you how good the food is that you made, and you smile at her.

The talk with her flows well and Carm can make you feel so good with the smallest of gestures.


Throughout the night you get several opportunities to speak about the issue at hand.

But you chicken out every time, and the more time passes, the more alcohol you have in your system.

You shouldn’t have that much wine. Or you shouldn’t have used the large wine glasses. It’s actually your fault, really.


At some point you just don’t want to hold it in anymore.

Carmilla asks you what’s wrong and you want to tell her that it’s so much.

You do tell her that you can’t. Because some part of you inside still tells you that you shouldn’t.


But then Carmilla kisses your knuckles and looks up at you, and her eyes are so beautiful.


She always talks about how there is nothing on her body that she finds outstandingly beautiful.

Carm always says that in a world full of mediocrity she has a chance with her slightly over-average looks, but it’s so far from the truth.

For you she’s always been the most beautiful person on earth.

Both inside and out, and you don’t understand how she doesn’t see it.


“What is wrong? Please tell me. I’m your best friend. We tell each other everything.”


Her voice is so soothing, and you know now you just have to tell her, even though there is still some resistance.

When she assures you that there is nothing that will change your friendship, you just go for it and say it.

How much more heartbreak can it cause? If there is nothing on her side, you can say you tried.


“Not even the fact that I’ve been in love with you for all this time?”


Carmilla fixates your eyes, and you just can’t look away. You watch her as her brain processes the provided information one by one. She shakes her head slightly, and dread settles in you.


“What?”

“Please don’t make me say it again.”

“No- You don’t have to, I understood you… But… What?”

“I love you.”, so you say it again.

“I- Yeah- You love me… As your friend.”

“No.”

“Yes, you do!”, she stands up and looks at you wide-eyed.

“Well, yes that too, of course. But I also love you… As… Like… Okay- I love you like you should love the person that you want to be with. I care for you- I love you in a way that I want to kiss you all the time- And it drives me wild, because you drive me mad, and yes! I love you madly, and I just… Arghh!”

She’s just standing there, looking at you like you’ve grown a second head.


“For how long?”, it seems like an odd question given the circumstance.

“If we’re talking attraction…? Pretty much the moment I laid my eyes on you… But if we’re talking love… When you threatened to kick Theo Straka’s ass when he teased me about being a nerd because of my Doctor Who backpack.”

“But you said that I was like a sister to you! How was I supposed to know you liked me??”

You frown, and then you remember what she means, because you remember that day vividly. It was when you were eighteen and visiting her mother’s cabin in the woods for the first time.

In the night, in front of the fire you had told her that she was the sister you never had.

Because you never thought that she would feel any other way for you.


“You were dating Elsie. I thought- I mean- It was clear that you weren’t into me!”

“Noo… It was clear that you weren’t into me… Elsie was just… I was dating Elsie, because you would go on about how hot S.J. was… I thought you didn’t like me like that.”

“But I only made those comments to find out if you were into girls…”

“Oh come on, wasn’t I obvious? You were the one talking to that Beefcake all the time-”

“Carmilla…”, you try to interrupt.

“I mean, I thought you were a bit curious maybe, or that maybe-”

“Carmilla.”

“Yeah?”

“Have you been listening to our conversation?”


Carmilla pauses. And then wets her lips. And then she opens her mouth to say something.


“You were into me…”, she realizes slowly, “You were into me.”

“Yeah.”


“And I was so into you.”, she finally admits and it takes your breath away.

“You were?”

Carmilla finally notices the frown on your face and how much the admittance cost you.

How you bared your soul to her, and she drops to her knees in front of you.


“Laura… Of course I was. You have no idea how crazy I was about you, do you?”

“Was?”, your voice sounds small and you don’t know if you could be any more pathetic.

“Yes I was into you, because now I’m in love with you.”


And she manages to make you speechless again.

But you don’t need to be talking right now.

You don’t need your mouth for anything else than kissing.

Because that’s what you should be doing.

You should be kissing Carmilla always.

So you do.


You yank her towards you, with your fingers grasping around her choker, and you think about how hot that movement is, but much hotter is the way she falls forwards and actually lets out a moan, when you meet her lips in a much to sudden motion.

Carmilla shifts a bit forwards, until she is kneeing on the floor between your legs and you sling your arms around her neck, to be able to hold her close. Because you need her so endlessly close. With no space between you to be apart, because you’ve been apart for so long, and any other second would feel like torture.

Her hands follow an unknown trail from your bare arms to your shoulders, then to the sides of your breasts and to your waist. She places them there and manages to pull you closer to her.

Both of your mouths stay connected throughout everything. The balance between breathing properly and kissing is found pretty quickly and from there on everything just threatens to escalate. Because you can’t wait. You want everything.

Carmilla just admitted to being in love with you, and you are kissing her, and it’s perfect and wonderful, and so, so good.

She pulls back for a second to smile at you adoringly, before moving down to your neck, and you thread your fingers through her dark hair, and you come to realize that you really like the soft and silky feeling of it.

At some point you realize that you’re kissing your best friend, and for a split second all the memories of your platonic relationship surfaces, and you still, and she probably catches onto that, and pulls back. Her hands on your bare thighs from where your dress has ridden up and looks at you questioningly.


“Is something wrong?”, her eyes are dark, her hair tousled and her lips wet from kissing down your skin, and you forget every little doubt.

Maybe it was just some residual thinking from whenever you told yourself that she wasn’t feeling the same.


“Nothing. You’re perfect.”, you assure her, and she continues, when you tug her towards your body.


She obeys and presses hot kisses to your throat, and then down your chest, where your dress allows her to, and just when she’s about to go further-


“No- Wait, wait, wait.”


Carmilla leans back instantly and looks apologetic, but you secure her in a grip so that she won’t pull away completely. You hold her close by her shoulders, and bow your head to be meeting her forehead with yours. Just then you realize that you’re panting.

Because of course she’s breathtaking. Her left hand finds your cheek, and you lean into the touch, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing… It’s just…”, you feel stupid, “I don’t wanna start this the wrong way- I mean, don’t misunderstand me… I’m not saying that sex with you is the wrong thing. I’d love to have sex with you- God, I really do wanna have sex with you… And you’re probably really great at sex too… And sex with you sounds really good right now, but…”

Could you sound anymore like a horny teenager douchebag?

You grasp at her collar and fist the woolly fabric of her sweater. That thing is probably made of cashmere and you’re ruining it, but Carm doesn’t say a thing, just looks at you with that smirk.


“What?”, you ask, as you roll your eyes at her.

“Usually you’re so tightly wound. I’ve just never heard you say the word sex that often in such a short amount of time.”

You let go of her and bury your face in your hands. Carmilla laughs at you and you peek over your fingers at her, “Awesome. You’re making fun of me right now…”

“Laura… Hey… No, sorry. I’m not. And also… I didn’t want to push you, sorry for that too.”

“No! You didn’t! It was totally me too… I just... Want to go on a date with you first.”

Carmilla takes your hands into hers so that she can look at you fully and nods.


“But kissing for now is okay?”

“God, please.”

She chuckles at your eagerness and complies like it’s her duty.

“I could kiss you all day.”, she mumbles and you nip at her lower lip, before pulling away slightly, Carm whining at the sudden loss of your mouth latching onto hers.

“You’re such a good kisser.”, you tell her and then before she can be too cocky about it, you try distracting her with your tongue in her mouth, and when she takes in a deep breath, you think it’s working.

Carmilla Karnstein ([email protected])

Subject: Love Mail


My dearest Laura,

Technology is funny, isn’t it? You send someone a few words, and they get them instantly.
I don’t want to imagine how people were patiently waiting for their loved ones to reply to their letters back in the day.

Because I can’t contain myself right now.

I couldn’t contain myself, if I knew that the letter I was about to send you would only get to you in a few days, or weeks maybe.

I want you to know instantly. I want you to know what I feel about you.

Of course I could have also called you, because then I would be able to hear your beautiful voice, but you tend to distract me too easily, and I want you to know a few things.

I want you to have this in written form.

You need to know that you are the most beautiful thing in this world of mine, and sometimes I would like to just wrap you up, and clip your wings.
Because then you would be mine forever, and you wouldn’t go away. But then again, butterflies are meant to fly.
And you are meant to be compared to their beauty.

(Are you creeped out yet? I swear, it sounded better in my mind.)

I feel like it’s in my responsibility to let you know that I will always be there for you.
No matter what. After all of this, all our years together, I wouldn’t want to miss being your best friend.
And I’m always going to be that. Along with everything else. I want you in every way possible, Laura.

I want you to know that there is someone out there that thinks you are perfect just the way you are.
That there is at least one person in this universe that sees you with all of your flaws and faults and quirks, and still is in love with you.

Because I am.

So completely in love with you and you didn’t even know all this time.
I’ve kept you and also myself in the dark about if, for I had feared what it could mean.
For I had the same fear you had about what it would do to our long friendship.
But sometimes changing things doesn’t mean it’s bad, it can be progress.

So maybe, if you can make the time for your best friend, she would like to take you out to dinner this coming Friday.
It’s going to be super fancy, and you will probably mock all the business men we see, and me along with it, like you always do.
And I’m going to be looking at you, like you are my whole world, and I will want to be holding your hand and I will want to be kissing you good night.

Just like you deserve to be treated.

Prepare yourself.
You will get the whole package.
If you will make the time for me, of course! Let me know.


In love,

Carmilla


Carmilla Karnstein, MA

CEO
Karnstein Industries
Rocksborough Rd. 128-130
Silas