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Your having that dream again.
You’re standing on a lone platform, in a void surrounded by golden eyes,
All staring directly into your soul. Across from you is a knight, dressed in golden armor.
Derek. Your Derek, your D3rlord.
It always starts the same way. You're trying to talk him out of something he can’t save himself from. You plead, saying that there has to be another way, that he doesn’t have to do this, but he shakes his head, saying that you’re running out of time.
When your argument comes to a head, after you insist that you won’t leave him no matter what happens, he manages to distract you, cornering you near the edge of the platform before pushing you off.
You can’t save him.
He’s gone.
And you are left falling into the void, the last sound you hear being your own voice screaming his name.
-
You gasp as you wake up, out of that nightmarish void with the glowing eyes now in the familiar sight of your dimly lit apartment. Your breath heaving as sweat dampens your forehead and onto your pillows.
“Derek?…”
You call out for him as you look at the spot next to the bed.
He’s not with you.
You shot up out of bed, pushing the sheets off of you as you run out of your shared bedroom and down the stairs. Panic and racing thoughts filling your mind.
He’s gone. You lost him. You need to find Derek again, you can’t lose him again-
You see him making tea in the kitchen, and when he realizes you’re standing there at the doorway, he turns to you, and his face lights up like the sun coming out after a long day when he meets your gaze.
“Oh, hey, I didn’t expect you to be up so early.”
He greets you, the way he has done every single morning you've spent together. But as soon as he sees the panic on your face he becomes concerned.
“Hey, did something happen-“
You don't let him finish his sentence before you run up to him embracing him in a hug as you press your face into his chest. You’re trembling, shaking from the dream you just had, and he wastes no time in holding you back. For some reason it feels as if you haven't felt that in a long time. Even though he probably did the same thing yesterday. And the day before that.
“I’m sorry, I just…had a bad dream…And you weren’t there-“
You look stupid like this. For god's sake your a grown ass adult, not a little kid asking for your mom cause your scared of the dark. You wonder if he’ll still love you like this, but luckily he’s there to quiet your cries, rubbing circles into your back and kissing the top of your hair.
“Hey it’s alright, I’m here..”
He comforts you.
“I’m not going anywhere, remember? we’re getting married, in the summer. Right next to your favorite beach, remember?"
Oh.
Right.
He tilts your face up to look up at him with his hand. And that’s when you register the cold metal on his finger pressing into the skin of your cheeks. It’s the ring he got to match yours. The one you have on right now that he proposed to you with. He looks at your teary expression, and he sighs concernedly.
“Do you wanna go sit on the couch?"
You manage to nod through your tears, and he leads you out of the dingy kitchen into the living room.
Once you sit down he throws one of the quilts over your shoulders like a warm hug as well as hand you the tea he was making for you. It's exactly how you like it, because he remembered how to make it after countless mornings that were just like this. The mug is even your favorite one. The one with the silly design you got to match his.
For a moment, the only noise is the morning rain falling pitter-patter outside. The sky is overcast, casting the house in a dim light despite it only being 7am.
That’s not good for a wedding isn't it? You think, trying to distract yourself a thought, any other thought that isn't the nightmare, of you losing him as you take another sip of the tea.
Now that you aren’t as scared anymore, you can finally register the environment around you. And you're able to remember the last three or so years you’ve spent with your boyfriend.
You got married a year after you graduated from college. You met Derek after getting introduced to him by your friend Avery. You met while you were in your Junior year while he dropped out, but still lived around the area. A year after you graduated, you went on a trip to Paris that both of you have been saving up for for a long time as he always wanted to see the Louvre. And on the last day of your trip, as you were standing in front of the museum gates at night, he got down on one knee and asked you to marry him.
It’s been five months since all of that, and you were about to get married in the summer.
You hold the mug on your lap. He memorized exactly how you like it. Derek sits next to you as he places a reassuring hand on top of yours as the metal of your respective bands gently clinking together. Its comforting. Your gonna have to get used to that feeling.
“You remembered. What I said I wanted for my ring?”
You remark, rather emptily, looking down at the gem that sits on your finger. He remembered what you wanted it to look like, right down to the metal of the band, the color you wanted for the gem, the shape and the cut. You remember saying it as an offhand joke at the time, but he remembered it nonetheless. He always does.
“Of course, I remember everything about you.”
He replies back, his tone becoming a little bit more mischievous as he adds,
“I also remember you saying want to get married next to the beach, what flowers you want for your wedding and what flavor you want for the cake.”
You let out a half hearted chuckle in between your sniffles. You know he’s just saying this to cheer you up, he’s always saying some stupid shit like this whenever your feeling sad. Maybe it works. He makes it work anyway.
You look at the house around you. It’s your boyfriend’s apartment that you moved into after you left college. It’s nothing much. Kinda small actually, very clearly made for one person to live in, not two, but you made it yours despite that. It's both you and Derek’s house now. You can see it in the matching cups you guys are holding, the photos of you two hung over the walls. He talked about how he wants to get a better house soon. One with a yard out back and a porch in the front with plenty of flowers and maybe a cat or two. And while you agree (especially on the cat.) you also wouldn’t mind staying here for the rest of your lives if you had to.
For the rest of your lives.
Your face becomes somber at that thought when you shouldn't. Your gaze turns empty once more. You look out the window again, and then at your hand placed on your lap, the other holding onto the handle of your mug. Anywhere but him. Because if you do you might start crying again and you don't even know why.
“Hey Derek?”
You admire the way his eyes seem to focus completely on you as soon as you call his name, the way he looks at you as if you're the greatest thing in his life (you are.), the way he raises his eyebrows, the loving gaze on his expression. The way the "hm?" sound escapes him as he soon as he focuses his attention on you.
“Are you…happy? With me?”
You ask and you almost kick yourself halfway through your question, cause it should be obvious. It’s obvious for him, and you wonder if he's gonna laugh at you or call you stupid for asking that, but he only replies;
“Well if I wasn’t happy with you, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now. Would I?”
He says as if its is an objective fact for him. Which it is. It's very obvious.
“I wouldn’t have planned that trip to Paris, I wouldn’t have memorized everything you wanted for your wedding ring, and I wouldn’t have remembered all the plans you want for your wedding day right now.”
He holds onto your hand a little bit tighter as if trying to ground you which makes you finally able to look at him. His voice laced with the utmost sincerity.
“It’s your special day after all, I want to make it perfect for you.” He says, before adding;
"Meanwhile I’m just the guy marrying you.”
He playfully rolls his eyes at his own joke and it gets a chuckle out of you. He’s always had such a peculiar sense of humor. It’s one of the first things you fell in love with, one of the first things you noticed about him before you started dating. That feels like a lifetime ago now, and you still got one to live with after you two get married.
Your voice gets a bit more solemn as you unconsciously hold onto his hand tighter, subconsciously looking for his support. You know he's looking at you so intently, listening to every word and focusing all of his attention on you cause you need it. You couldn't bear to look at him cause you knew it might burn you if you did.
“I think…"
You start, and you struggle to get the words at first.
"I feel scared. About us getting married."
You sink your head down as you’re ashamed for even feeling that, avoiding his gaze. You would think you getting engaged to the love of your life was the best thing ever. That you should only feel happy about it. And you are. But you also can’t help but feel scared about it for some reason, and you can't stop feeling guilty over it.
“I know I shouldn’t but, I keep getting worried, that something’s gonna happen, and that something's gonna go wrong or that it isn’t going to work out…”
You exhale and bury your face into your palms. It’s good to finally say that. You’ve been stressed about your marriage and that’s why you’ve been having all those nightmares recently, because you’re scared of losing him. (Although it could be because of something else.)
He lets you talk about what’s been on your mind lately, and it's only after you finish talking that he breaks the silence.
“Did you know that proposing to you was the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life?"
He says in his usual lighthearted manner, yet there's also a bit of self deprecation. As if it also hurts for him to admit that.
“Really?”
“Mhm. It was.”
“I had to make sure the ring was perfect and that I’ll get it in time before we left for the airport, without you realizing I even bought that ring in the first place. Then when we actually were in Paris, I had to make sure I would get through it without messing it up, despite me getting closer and closer to finally marrying the love of life."
You guys can laugh about it now, but he was two seconds away from a panic attack that entire week. From trying to hide the ring in his suitcase and not lose it, to him realizing every day was just one step closer to marrying the love of his life, and that he had to make everything absolutely perfect for you until the very last moment.
“And when I actually did propose to you, I looked like a mess even though I practiced what I was going to say for months.”
“You were crying when you were proposing to me.“ And boy did he look attractive while doing it. You would’ve thought he looked cute crying like that if you weren’t busy doing the exact same thing.
"Yeah, and so were you.”
Your banter evolves into a full blown fit of wet laughter, laughing until stray tears were falling out of your eyes, and suddenly the nightmares felt like a faraway memory. As if you chased them away like how the sun chases away the storm. Wiping away a stray tear that fell without him realizing, he says;
“It was messy, but I like that. I like that our relationship isn’t perfect. I like that we have our ups and downs. And there’s no one else I would share that with but you.”
You realize then, what made you love Derek all this time. It wasn’t the fancy rings or the fancy vacations, but in the ordinary things. Moments like these. Moments where you're sitting on the couch together, drinking the tea that you’ve memorized how to make just right, talking about anything and nothing at the same time. You love him because of these moments. You love him because you want to have moments like these for the rest of your lives.
“It took us a long time to get here, but it worked out, didn’t it?“
But what if it doesn’t? In that dream, it didn’t.
“I wish I could give you everything you want.”
He says, as if he failed to do that in another life, when he’s already given you everything in just the privilege of loving him. The fancy rings and added vacations were just an added bonus, so with full sincerity, you reply;
“You already did.”
He's still wearing that smile on his face, and yet, you can see it in the way his eyes tremble. Your gratitude means everything to him, because it means you want to stay. There's nothing he could ever respond with, and there's no need to. So he only nods.
“I’m glad.”
You’re able to smile again, even through your tears and your puffed up cheeks, and he smiles at you back as if he can’t wait to see this every morning of his life with you from here on out.
He looks out the window, the rain finally clearing up to reveal the sun breaking through the clouds. Somehow it feels rather fitting. Almost scripted, in a way, and Derek seems to reads your thoughts.
“Look, the sun's coming out now. It’s like even the sky is telling us that everything’s gonna be okay."
He’s happy, as if he’s fulfilled in this life. You don’t have to tell him how he died, how things actually didn’t work out like he thought it did in another life. He doesn’t need to know that, he’s suffered enough, you could let him have this. Just this once. He takes your hand with the ring on your finger and gives it a soft kiss before asking;
“You don’t have to go back to sleep if you don’t want to. Do you wanna eat breakfast together? I’ll make your favorite this time.”
You nod, and he gives you a playful grin before kissing you on the forehead and sweeping you up to the kitchen in a bridal carry.
"Derek! Put me down!-"
You protest, but both of you know you don’t really mean it, and you even draw yourself a little bit closer in his arms as you laugh and kick your feet in his arms the entire way. It's funny, how just as the weather turned from the rain to sun, such a terrible morning turned into something beautiful. You woke up from a nightmare to the wonderful reality you were living with your fiancé. The life that feels like a dream, yet was actually the sweetest reality to wake up to every single morning. The reality you were living with your future husband, your greatest partner and love of your life.
And just like that, today will go on like it always has. You’ll eat breakfast together with the tea you’ve memorized how to make a million times over. You’ll argue about doing the laundry and washing the dishes together before realizing how stupid it all is and laugh as if nothing ever happened. You’ll get takeout from your favorite restaurant together before going to sleep in the same bed to do it all over again. And you would choose to do so in every single universe. Because that's just how you loved each other. And you wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.
And as you looked down at him before turning off the lights to go to bed that evening, with Derek already fallen asleep right next to you, you knew that everything was gonna be okay from here on out.
-
That night, you dream of something different.
Instead of the endless black void of eyes, it’s a snowy wasteland that seemingly stretches on for miles. It’s here you find yourself reminiscing as you wander aimlessly. You’re reminiscing about him. Reminiscing about what you lost, what you want to get back.
You walk forward, because that’s what he told you to do. You wander until the snow melts into grass, the way that winter fades to spring.
And in the center of the flowers. You see him. Your Derek. The way you’ve always remembered him. Beautiful, radiant, and unmistakably yours.
You call out to him through joyful tears. And he turns around to face you as if he’s waited his entire life for it. For you.
You run through the fields and into his arms, and he catches you, because of course he would. It’s like natural instinct for him. And you collapse onto the grass together. It’s the first time you’ve ever actually seen him cry, and it’s tears of joy.
You had him. In this universe and the next.
And the nightmares weren’t there to haunt you anymore.
Today when you wake up, you’ll find him sleeping soundly right next to you. You’ll admire the way his lashes gently flutter as he sleeps, the way his chest rises and falls to remind you that he’s here and that he’s alive.
You wake up to give him a kiss on the forehead before getting out of bed to make tea in the kitchen once more.