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Of all places to run into her roommate, she didn't expect it to be at the hospital.
Nakayama had only moved in recently and very quickly they found themselves playing poker until 1am. Then blackjack on some nights. And if they were feeling up to it, they’d sneak away to play pool. And the list went on. Every other night, after dinner, a new game, a new bet. Beyond that, Sirius hardly knew anything about Nakayama Festa.
So honestly, the odds of seeing her at all before the evening was already unlikely. But she knew that was her new roommate, if that beat-up beanie was anything to go by. That made the encounter all the more confusing. Why would she be here of all places?
She spent most of her days in that freestyle track rather than actually training for her debut race, not that she seemed all too bothered by such a thing. On the off-nights they weren't playing, Sirius would return to their room with the gambler nowhere in sight, and even she was pushing curfew. Really, it was some miracle that she wasn't already expelled.
Right now, she seemed quite content with the lollipop in her mouth and head buried in her phone. Various possibilities flew through Sirius’ mind as she tried to narrow down why Nakayama would even need to be here. She seemed fine this morning. As fine as someone who usually slept at 3 in the morning could be. Maybe that was why she was here? Or the sugar addiction finally got to her and they needed to pump her stomach or something.
Either way, Sirius couldn't resist checking up on her. She walked much faster than she cared to admit and really, she didn't have to. Nakayama clearly wasn't in a rush, nor did she seem at all present. All the same, she called out, “Oi. You okay?”
Had it not been for her quick reflexes, Nakayama’s lollipop would have fallen to the ground the moment her mouth gaped open. She pocketed her phone and turned to Sirius, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What are you doing here?”
“I asked first.” Sirius crossed her arms. She looked just as well as she was this morning. Maybe she was here for a routine checkup? But it was too late in the year for that. “What? Did you hit your head or something?”
“What? No.” She bit down on the candy, likely unintentionally seeing as she grimaced from the crunch. “I'm fine. Why wouldn’t I?”
Sirius couldn't stop her scoff even if she tried. “You walked out of a hospital after being gone the whole day, what was I supposed to think?”
“In all fairness,” Nakayama had the nerve to smirk up at her, “I walked out the main door, not the emergency room, completely upright and healthy. So, really, that's on you for assuming the worst.”
“That's not how…” Sirius stopped herself from cursing.
“Besides, if something was wrong, I'd just go to the infirmary, otherwise I’d be wasting the egregious tuition fee.” Nakayama added, taking the lollipop stick from her mouth and turning around in search of a trash bin. “Man, this sucks.”
“Fine, why are you here then?” Sirius sighed as she tailed Nakayama. It's not like she had anything better to do anyways. Besides, getting to know her roommate wouldn't hurt, they were going to live together for a few years after all. Might as well get comfortable—
“Visiting someone. It might be her last day here. Oh, nice. Found one.”
Way too comfortable.
Sirius couldn't help but splutter over her words while Nakayama casually threw her lollipop stick in the trash. What the hell was she supposed to say to that?! Honestly, she wasn't even sure if she could say anything that would lighten the mood without sounding like a heartless monster. Was she even supposed to respond?
“Fuc— I mean… I'm so sorry to hear that. I didn't kno—”
Nakayama cut her off with a laugh. “Please. You can spare me the formalities when someone actually dies. She's fine.”
Sirius looked at Nakayama, eyes furrowed and mouth agape. She was talking about this as though she was announcing the daily news and Sirius was just now hearing about this. Which… Fine, maybe she was caught off-guard. But she wasn't sure how Nakayama could keep such a straight face, let alone such composure.
“Are you?” The question came easily enough.
“Yeah?” Nakayama shrugged. “I try to visit at least once a week.”
“Since when?”
“Dunno.”
Sirius looked back at the hospital, then back at her. Her gaze fell on Nakayama’s face, making sure her cheeks were dry and her eyes weren’t red. Then to her shoulders, loose and hands shoved into her pockets. Sirius felt her own body slowly tense.
Nakayama didn’t even let her think.
Her flurry of thoughts all froze in place when she felt her grip around her wrist. Sirius wasn’t sure if she even could think of anything other than Nakayama’s cold hand tugging her back towards the hospital. There was a part of her that didn’t want to intrude in Nakayama’s life. Especially this side of her that she happened upon by accident.
Her stomach swirled the more she thought about it. She was just Nakayama’s roommate. What right did she have to be a part of this?
“C’mon. We don’t have all day.”
Sirius felt her gaze drift to their hands. She’s cold. Colder than Sirius expected. And really, she didn’t know what she was expecting. They’d known each other for barely a month and already she was meeting Nakayama’s relative. Loved one? She didn’t even know.
“I shouldn’t impose,” Sirius said, lifting her head to meet Nakayama’s eyes. “I don’t want to bother you or your…”
“Teacher.”
“...What?”
Nakayama let go of Sirius’ wrist, shoving her hands back in her pockets. It took a moment for Sirius to pull her hand back. “My elementary school teacher. She wants me to get settled into Tracen, so she didn’t tell me that they were planning on moving her to hospice.”
Sirius felt her throat dry up. There weren’t any words to say, really. But still, it was all too much at once and even then, every answer Nakayama gave led to more questions that she was in no position to even ask. And yet, the sentiment still rang true. Shaking her head, she said, “Do you even want to go back?”
This time, Nakayama averted her gaze. “No, not really.”
There was barely any shift in her posture, but Sirius could see how her lips tightened ever so slightly; how her tail flicked back and forth, swatting invisible flies; how her shoulders slumped. The kicker was her voice softening as she spoke. “It's just… I dunno. Can’t I just pay you to be my friend for two seconds?”
Sirius clicked her tongue. Honestly, why did she even bother walking up to Nakayama in the first place? She looked fine and she said she was fine. Nakayama always returned to play poker anyways.
But what if she doesn’t?
It was a vain thought. Even Sirius couldn’t lie to herself and say she didn’t enjoy Nakayama’s company. But really, her reluctance to leave her alone was the simple fact Sirius did not enjoy being alone. Not by a long shot.
She raised a brow at Nakayama. “We weren’t already?”
Nakayama shook her head. “Not like that. But like… a serious friend. Pun completely unintended.”
“Uhuh… And why me?” Sirius didn’t want to think too hard about it. It was bad enough that she somehow managed to get into this mess. But she was ill-equipped to actually comfort Nakayama in any meaningful way. “Surely I’m not the only friend you have.”
“You’re here.”
She said it like it was the most normal thing in the world.
But Sirius knew a bluff when she saw one.
She scoffed. “Yeah, right. What’s the real answer?”
Nakayama rolled her eyes. “Fine. I want you to tell her about France.”
“Huh?”
Sirius could already feel the irritation rolling off Nakayama in waves. Clearly, she wasn’t used to being so open around other people. That was a given. Neither was Sirius. But really, if she wanted something, she had to ask nicely. And preferrably, with enough context as to not make Sirius look like an absolute fool.
“She wants to go to France someday,” Nakayama finally forced out, albeit her gaze was anywhere but on Sirius. “But she’s doing terribly right now and her only options are spend more money to get better or hospice. Her family is leaning towards hospice and she is a very stubborn woman when she doesn’t get her way… despite being bedridden if you can believe.”
“She’s on the edge of her life, why wouldn’t she?” The words slipped out too easily. Nakayama gave her a hard stare.
“Watch it.” Sirius immediately pursed her lips. “Either way, she’s going the nuclear option where she just jumps the gun and goes to France now instead of going to hospice.”
Sirius nodded. “You want me to talk her down? Is that it?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
All the same, Sirius felt the tension dissipate from her chest at those words. It felt incredibly foolish, diving headfirst into this whole drama. And frankly, she didn’t expect any of this from Nakayama of all people. This whole time Sirius had her pegged as someone who kept people at arm’s length, not this girl so dedicated to someone who wasn’t even family— not by blood, anyways. She couldn’t understand why Nakayama would even consider pulling her into her life either, she always kept her cards close to her chest.
And by the goddesses, her roommate’s hand seemed disconcerting.
“Listen, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” It was telling that Nakayama couldn’t look her in the eye. Yet even then, Sirius couldn’t help but stare. There’s a reason why it’s called morbid curiosity: it killed the cat, after all. “It’s just very important to me that— I… She’s just… Listen, if I can take her mind off that one thing then…”
Sirius knew better than to tempt fate— to get involved.
And yet…
“I dunno, really.”
And yet here she was all the same. Diving head first into something that really didn’t concern her because her roommate needed a friend. Seriously, she knows better than this. What was she even doing? Sirius watched as Nakayama’s gaze flitted to her feet.
Fuck it.
“Give me your phone.”
“Huh?”
The words slipped out of her mouth easier than she expected. If Nakayama needed someone right now, if only to help her out of this rough patch, so be it. Who’s to say this can’t be a good time for both of them? If her teacher wants Nakayama to have someone looking out for her, then Sirius can pick up the slack. Nakayama’s good company anyways, no reason not to try and be her best friend.
Right?
“C’mon. Don’t you trust me?” Sirius smirked down at her, holding out her hand.
Nakayama chortled, but still pulled out her phone regardless. “Not with that look on your face.”
Sirius couldn’t help but bark out a laugh as well. She opened the camera app on Nakayama’s phone, lifting it up to snap a quick selfie. The distance between them didn’t bother Sirius much, but she stared at the screen in front of her far longer than she would care to admit.
Nakayama was grinning, as though she wasn’t pouring her heart out earlier, or at least tried to. Yet Sirius knew it wasn’t fake. It wasn’t the grins she gave when she won a bet. Nor was it the grins she wore when causing mischief with Gold Ship. For one, her eyes were actually shining bright at the prospect of showing off this image. Not a single sharp nor tense muscle to be seen.
Nakayama was smiling for her teacher.
“There.” She handed the phone back. Pride filled her chest as Nakayama stared at their picture. A thought passed through Sirius’ head before she even spoke. She didn’t even mind being Nakayama’s distraction if she could get her smiling like that again. “Show it to her whenever. Make this your nuclear option.”
Nakayama raised a brow. “Excuse me?”
“Surely she doesn’t want to miss out on her star student’s time in Tracen, right?” Sirius placed a hand on her hip.
She looked at her quizzically. “What are you on about?”
“You clearly mean as much to her as she does to you,” Sirius said. “Choosing to die sooner rather than later means she has to leave you. And I don’t think that’s something she wants to happen. Not when you can go to France with her.”
The suggestion was not lost on her.
The Arc.
Nakayama slowly nodded. “Just so happens my roommate told me all about this race she can watch me run in if she holds on a bit longer.”
Sirius smirked as they reached an understanding. She let out a big sigh. “Ah, but right now, I’m absolutely famished and I wouldn’t mind having a date to this new place I found. It’ll be my treat.”
“Wow.” Nakayama couldn’t stop grinning, no doubt still happy about the picture as opposed to the date. That was fine. Whichever made her happy. “You do this for every girl you meet?”
“Of course not.” Sirius winked at her. “Sometimes they get treated to a hotel too.”
Nakayama gave a dry laugh. “Don’t even count on it.”
———————
Nakayama didn’t look like someone who loved flowers.
From what little she knew, they required routine daily maintenance and more things she didn’t pay attention to in Home Economics. That did not sound like Nakayama.
Her roommate popped in at the most ungodly hours of the day, disappears and reappears for dinner and to start another bet with Sirius. But none of that is a guarantee and really, she could be somewhere else completely causing a ruckus with her friends. Or getting into a gang fight.
Not that Sirius had any plans to stop her. Word of mouth was she caused Rudolf a lot of headaches and she was not anything if not a supportive friend to her roommate. Very supportive.
Well, in case, that was about to be put to the test when she decided to see what all of Nakayama’s fuss about gardening was all that it chalked up to be.
It… was a lot. She had to admit that.
“You’re strangling them.”
“How? They don’t have necks.”
“Who are you to say that? What if they say they have necks?”
“They don’t have mouths either!”
Nakayama shook her head as she took the plot of violets from Sirius. She often brought home new flowers to grow by their window before visiting the hospital. When they were in full bloom, she’d bring them over and buy new ones. “You’re crushing their roots. That’s the fastest way to kill them if you’re not careful.”
“Then you should have told me that in the first place!” Sirius fumed.
Sirius usually watched her from afar, not wanting to ruin her hard work. She learned to be content in watching Nakayama tend to her plants for maybe an hour or two. It was a pleasant surprise to see just how gentle Nakayama was when holding those flowers. Granted, they were delicate little things.
But still, she couldn't even be bothered to brush her hair at times, how did she always remember to water her plants?
“You know if you didn’t want to do this you could have just said no, right?” Sirius tore her gaze from her dirtied rubber gloves to Nakayama’s smirk.
Nakayama had a point.
Sirius was never one to enjoy a casual stroll in the gardens to stare and sniff at flowers. Nakayama was, for some reason, the opposite. She absolutely refused to admit it, but she definitely loved flowers. As much as she hid behind the excuse that it was for her teacher, she didn’t have to take care of the garden on campus either.
Air Groove once asked her if Nakayama would like anything to help with her secret gardening endeavours. To which Sirius promptly replied, “Why are you asking me? Ask her yourself.”
Many things were not lost on the vice president. Not Nakayama’s hobby nor her elusive nature. And certainly not the constant proximity of Sirius to the high roller. Again, there wasn’t anything for Sirius to refute.
It was right on the money.
Unfortunately, there wasn’t a list she could give at that moment. She simply didn’t know much about Nakayama’s hobby. That was supposed to change today.
“I want to do this, okay?” Sirius insisted while taking off the gloves. She held the flower pot closer to Nakayama, returning her smirk. “You can also just tell me if you don’t want me to help.”
“Oh?” Nakayama cocked her head to the side. “Not afraid of rejection? That’s surprising.”
Sirius furrowed her brows, pulling the pot away. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Nakayama rolled her eyes and dragged the pot back. “Please, you have every one of the girls here eating off the palm of your hand. You think I’ll believe you when you say you’re used to being told ‘no’?”
Her smile must have dropped too quickly. Nakayama’s ears flattened on her head as she pulled her attention back to the flowers she was repotting before mumbling, “Sorry.”
Sirius didn’t like to think about it. Her leave of absence. It was swept under the rug with the rest of the trash she didn’t quite know how to take out.
Honestly, for as much as she observed Nakayama to be cagey, she was no better. In many ways, she might be worse. She kept people at arm’s length. Hardly returned calls. And never slept with the same girl twice. But ruminating in the past wasn’t why she literally got her hands dirty today.
Mustering up a grin, she nudged Nakayama’s shoulder. “Aww, going soft on me? I told you I’ll be fine getting rejected if it’s you.”
Nakayama nudged her back. “Ha ha. Like that will ever happen.”
“Wanna bet?”
It was comical how reflexatory her tail flicked at the word.
Both girls laughed. But Nakayama didn’t push on the bet further. Sirius didn’t know Nakayama could reject a bet, well, she knew the odds weren’t nearly skewed enough to warrant a gamble. After all, in what world would either say no to the other?
Sirius watched her tend to the flowers, loosening the soil and making sure the light hit just right. Nakayama probably didn’t notice the small smile on her face every time she did this. Sirius swears that sometimes she would catch her slipping up and the lollipop in her mouth would fall in the soil. It led to endless teasing and a full night of stupid bets all for the sake of getting even.
Still though, that was an exception, not the standard.
Normally, Nakayama was like this— lost in her own thoughts, taking her time, and finding the right angle for a photo or several. Her hands moved with purpose, anyone could see that when Nakayama was usually devoid of it. The faintest hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth as she took a step back, proud of her work.
She was the same when she was sewing. Another delicate thing she hadn’t expected from Nakayama and of course, she happened upon it by accident.
Coming home from the hospital usually meant she would run other errands and come home at night. But one day, she had seemingly exchanged the flowers she grew with a beanie identical to the one she was wearing except the obvious lack of earholes.
Sirius didn’t ask.
She watched Nakayama pull out a beaten cookie tin filled with miscellaneous threads, needles, pins, and the like. She snipped through the beanie like she’d done this a thousand times, and she probably already did. Honestly, Sirius found it admirable of her. For as lonesome and apathetic Nakayama was, she does whatever she can to live for the teacher who was giving her all to seeing her race.
Sirius liked seeing her this way.
“Looks good.”
“You always say that.” Nakayama slipped off her own gloves.
“Because it always looks good,” Sirius smirked at her. She rolled her eyes and lightly shoved Sirius back, making her chuckle. “It’s true! You’re practically a professional… gardener. If that’s a thing.”
Nakayama couldn’t hold back a loud scoff. “Horticulture.”
“What?”
“This is gardening,” she pointed to the flower pot. “Professional gardening is either horticulture— kind of— or straight up just… farming.”
Sirius raised a brow. “There’s a difference?”
“Yeah, the price tag.”
It was a joke, but Sirius knew it was devoid of humor.
She still didn’t know a lot about Nakayama. But she knew at the very least that they were from completely different worlds. Sirius overheard many phone calls between her and her parents discussing money rather than checking in on her training. Nakayama would somehow be more articulate talking about lessening her allowance than talking about actually participating in official races.
That being said, despite working on a smaller budget, she somehow managed to grow enough flowers every week and put pennies in a jar as her budget for France.
Sirius still didn’t know much about her teacher other than just how much she clearly loved Nakayama. She’d tell Sirius stories in tidbits and one off statements that she couldn’t really fully articulate late in the night when neither could sleep. Nights when it helped to have a body right next to her became common a bit after Nakayama found a trainer.
Sirius knew Nakayama was overwhelmed that day, but really, all she was grateful for was the fact that she wasn’t upset with her for leading her trainer to the hospital. It was something Sirius would never even think of doing. She wanted what was best for Nakayama especially since taking care of herself were suggestions. And while she would never admit it, Sirius knew she was getting frustrated at being unable to officially race.
Really, Nakayama was running out of good news to tell her teacher and it was starting to weigh down on her.
That night, Sirius thought she would blow up on her. For betraying the trust Nakayama gave her and leading a stranger to her teacher. Sirius was ready to apologize and make it up to her for the rest of their time as roommates. What she wasn’t ready for was Nakayama asking to sleep next to her and whisper her gratitude in the cover of night, just loud enough for Sirius to hear.
It sent waves of relief through her body and shivers up her arms as she held Nakayama tight.
Sirius picked up the discarded bag of soil Nakayama used for her plants. “Seriously? Can’t you just use the dirt outside or something?”
“Would you use a wrench to fix your cleats?” Nakayama replied, offended at the mere suggestion. “Or add ice to your beer?”
“You don’t even drink beer!” Sirius crossed her arms. “And you’ll pluck those anyways by the end of the week.”
“What is wrong with you?” Nakayama shifted the flowers further away from Sirius. “They can hear you.”
“They don’t have ears!”
“That’s presumptuous."
“Big fucking words, Nakayama. I bet it was a struggle to fit them in that beanie.”
“Hey!” She tugged on the edges of her beanie. “Leave the beanie out of this!”
Their bickering went on for a while, at least until they pulled out a deck of cards to settle their argument.
It wasn’t until maybe a week or two later when Nakayama visited the gardens did she notice the new stock of equipment in the shed. Smaller, more precise tools. Better flower pots and floral foam. And stacked on top of each other were bags of premium fertilizer and the expensive soil her teacher used to use when she had the money to spend.
———————
The cat treats were half-off.
Sirius nearly considered buying a pack before walking past the store. She could always pick one up before she went home. Right now, she was getting dragged along the city by CB, Maruzen, and Ramonu in search of the perfect gift for Ace.
In Sirius’ humble opinion, CB could’ve wrapped herself in ribbons, maybe gotten dinner, and texted her girlfriend to come over and that would’ve been the perfect birthday gift. Instead, she invited her friends to go around the shops and did not even consider Sirius’ suggestion. In hindsight, Sirius remembered that Mr. CB couldn’t even sit still in an elevator.
Out of suggestions, and already tired of conversation, Sirius walked a few paces slower than the three and let them lead the way. They were chatting the entire time, bouncing off ideas and stopping in front of stores before moving on to the next.
Sirius was on her phone. It was buzzing relentlessly in her pocket until she finally opened it to find nearly a dozen photos of the cat Nakayama found near the campus. While she was definitely more of a dog person— quite frankly, cats freaked her out sometimes— Nakayama didn’t seem to care as she bombarded Sirius with her recollections of a ‘spicy’ stray kitten near the campus that she was determined to pet.
It was ironic she found something to give Nakayama before CB could even decide on her gift.
Their messages for the past week had been about the cat rather than her actual training. In all fairness, from what Sirius gathered, Nakayama hadn’t been doing well at all. She didn’t press, she never did.
Well, she never had to.
Nakayama’s trainer did owe Sirius quite a lot helping her get a trainee. Getting updates about her friend’s progress every now and then seemed like a fair deal. Especially since Nakayama did not like to talk about training.
And if not her trainer, she would hear people talking about how her friend group maybe blew something up.
“Hey, what’s this?”
She was pulled out of her thoughts when her phone slipped out of her hands.
“Aw… I didn’t know you had a cat!” Maruzen cooed.
Sirius looked up to find Maruzen and CB scrolling through her messages with Nakayama, wide grins plastered on their faces. She felt a vein in her head bulge in irritation as she reached for her phone. “Give that back.”
Maruzensky held the phone away from Sirius. “Not until you tell us why you’ve been distracted this whole trip!”
“That’s none of your business and that’s my phone!” Sirius didn’t want to deal with this right now. She already didn’t have much patience for a shopping trip but Maruzen gave her the decision to either come with them or be left alone with Rudolf to distract Ace. And she would rather die than to be stuck with those two and their comedy workshop.
“Is she why you’ve been avoiding us too?” Maruzen pressed. “She’s cute!”
Just as Sirius tried grabbing her phone again, Ramonu plucked it from Maruzen. She stayed silent as she read through Sirius’ messages, albeit the corners of her mouth were perking up in a devious grin. Mr. CB was reading over her shoulder, much to Sirius’ irritation.
“Oh! That’s the cat that really hates people!” CB’s eyes lit up, probably at the picture of Nakayama successfully scratching the kitten behind its ears. “How did she get it to be polite? Last week it swiped at Ace for walking in front of it!”
Sure, why not? Let everyone know Nakayama roped her in with her bullshit yet again.
“The cat’s a she,” Sirius grumbled, but not making an effort to fight Ramonu. She knew better than to piss off the lesbian demon. “Give me back my phone.”
“It’s rude to interrupt people while they’re reading,” Ramonu chided, still scrolling through their messages. “I didn’t know you were this close to your roommate. Have you finally decided to be monogamous?”
“Huh?! What’s that supposed to mean?!”
Honestly, it’s not like there was anything incriminating in their chat. It was mostly there to keep track of their bets and general restocks, the exception being all the updates from the past week that Nakayama would give her about the mean tabby cat. And knowing her friends, they were going to make a lot of something out of nothing. That being said, it was better than being stuck with Rudolf.
CB snorted. “Oh, Sirius…”
“What?” Sirius snapped. “C’mon, out with it.”
“Nothing,” Ramonu said, even though her grin only grew wider. “It’s just refreshing to see you in this light.”
Sirius felt like she shouldn’t press further. “By that you mean?”
“Head over heels?” Maruzen teased.
“Lovesick.” Ramonu handed back the phone.
“A total pushover.” CB said with her full chest.
Sirius spluttered over their responses. Cheeks pink, she snatched her phone back and hid it in her pocket. She should put her phone on silent next time. But it felt wrong to keep Nakayama waiting, she thought. And what a stupid thought that was. What the fuck?
Maruzen laughed and nudged CB’s shoulder. “That’s a bit too straightforward, don’t you think?”
“But she is!” CB seemed too happy about getting to tease her.
“She’s just my roommate.” Even Sirius knew she didn’t sound convincing.
“And yet she has you wrapped around her little finger.” Ramonu’s eyes twinkled in some sadistic glee. It was a mistake to go shopping with the demon lady. “Is she why you’ve been absent recently?”
“You’re one to talk,” Sirius shoved her hands in her pockets. “At least I don’t send in a substitute when Rudolf organizes a get-together.”
“Ardan is fine with it.”
“Sure she is.”
“When are you gonna introduce us to her?” Maruzen cut in, clearly invested in her (non-existent) love life.
“She isn’t my girlfriend,” Sirius said.
“Of course. You just like doing as you’re told,” Ramonu cupped her chin as she grinned at Sirius.
Evil demon lady.
“Get off my back.” As if telling them to back off an nth time would work. “There’s nothing wrong with helping a friend through a rough patch.”
If she was being honest, she wasn’t even sure where Nakayama was mood-wise. From what she gathered from Nakayama’s former classmates, she hadn’t changed much since middle school. But even without telling her, Sirius knew they were very much aware Nakayama wasn’t doing well after her teacher was hospitalized. She couldn’t blame them for never reaching out, Nakayama never made it easy for them.
Yet if Sirius stared long enough, she could notice the slight twitch in the corner of her mouth when her flowers weren’t growing right. Whenever she’d realize that Gold Ship set her up with a whole day of exhausting hijinks, her ears flattened. Not to mention, she had to start sitting on her tail during poker, otherwise it’d flick every time she had a winning hand.
And if Sirius paid more attention, she would have noticed Mr. CB’s smile faltered.
“If that's the case, maybe you shouldn't pursue her.” The words left CB’s mouth before Sirius could even blink.
Even Ramonu's gaze fell on her, eyes wide and mouth slightly parted. Her expression slowly eased into a small smile as she waited for the pin to drop. And like clockwork, Sirius narrowed her eyes at CB. “What's that supposed to mean?”
CB tilted her head to the side. “Exactly that. I don't think it's a good idea to be with her.”
Sirius couldn't explain why her chest burned at her words. This was CB, after all. Among their friend group, she was the most earnest— never once hiding behind false platitudes nor did she ever harbor any malice in her words. Everything she said was always meant to be taken at face value and yes, Sirius knew what she meant.
Yet, she rejected the idea of Nakayama ever being a burden.
She knew it wasn't worth arguing over words that CB didn't even mean, let alone say. It instead gnawed at her alongside the guilt of even thinking about it when no one was accusing Nakayama of such a thing.
Instead, Sirius clicked her tongue. “Then there's nothing to worry about. I don't plan on dating her.”
“It's not just about dating,” CB crossed her arms. “But being as close as you are with her means she won't just send you pictures of cats she finds on the sidewalk.”
“I can handle myself,” Sirius could feel her face scrunch up.
“That's not the point.” For whatever reason, CB seemed to be adamant about talking Sirius out of this. “Can you handle her?”
“She's not a fucking problem to be dealt with, CB.” Sirius snapped.
“But she has hers.” CB's tone didn't falter once, despite Sirius starting to grow red in the face. Beside her, Ramonu's smile faded whilst Maruzen started pursing her lips. “And you have… this.”
She gestured to all of Sirius.
“And what of it?” Sirius was getting tired of this. She should've just bought the cat treats and left. This whole thing was starting to get on her nerves. “Are you saying I should just ignore her? We live together, dammit.”
“It takes a different kind of selflessness to be someone’s support system.” CB said, her tone dropping. If Sirius paid more attention, she would have seen Maruzen shrink a bit from the conversation.
Sirius could feel a yell threatening to climb out of her throat. She did not what to get into a screaming match. Not with her friends. But goddesses, what was so wrong with Nakayama that CB was so appalled by? And she knew that wasn’t what CB was saying. She knew. But she couldn’t help but feel like they were saying she was a sinking ship— a walking time bomb just itching to blow.
No, Sirius would not stand for it.
“Cool it, Sirius,” Ramonu stepped in, no longer finding the situation amusing. “Don’t shove words into CB’s mouth. And you,” she turned to CB, “Sirius is not a fun person to be around when she’s upset. Don’t push her buttons.”
Neither dared to argue with Mejiro Ramonu.
Even then, it couldn’t quell the thoughts now brought to the forefront of Sirius’ mind. She hated the fact that this was riling her up so much when she never once thought of Nakayama in that light. It’s not like Sirius has done anything too crazy for Nakayama. Albeit, she has admittedly spent a relatively large amount on her. Aside from the expensive soil she wanted for her plants, Sirius bought her sweets every time she went out and got her new sewing kits.
One time, Nakayama was going on a beach trip with Gold Ship and she turned their dorm room upside down upon realizing she didn’t have a swimsuit other than the school-issued one. Sirius took her out shopping that day and even threw in a few other gifts just for the sake of it. Soon, their dorm was filled with gifts for Nakayama and a smaller corner were souvenirs she got for Sirius.
Either way, the writing on the wall was pretty fucking clear. It felt wrong. It felt like Sirius was taking advantage of her even if Nakayama showed no signs of actually being in distress. It felt wrong to assume she wasn’t hurting either when Sirius had seen firsthand how much her life revolved around her teacher.
It’s times like this that made Sirius wish Nakayama went to therapy.
“Forget it.” Sirius turned her heel with a scoff. She needed to cool off before getting back home anyways. That wasn’t going to happen while she was with her friends.
“Sirius—” Maruzen finally spoke, but Ramonu called out one last time.
“If CB is wrong and she’ll get better in time,” Sirius froze in her tracks but didn’t dare turn around. She knew Ramonu’s gaze better than anyone. “Will you be okay just being her friend?”
Sirius didn’t respond for a while. She found her voice once she started walking again. “That’s the plan.”
That, and the cat treats.
———————
Of course she liked baking too. Why not?
This time around, Sirius didn’t bother helping outside of taste testing. Mostly because when Sirius asked what she was going to do today, all she told her was that she was going to find Orfevre to help her with something. Sirius offered to take her place but Nakayama seemed insistent on getting Orfevre as an assistant— she wasn’t going to pitch those exact words to her but that was generally the gist of it.
Sirius did not like that thought. She went with Nakayama to buy all these ingredients anyway. Why couldn’t she help with actually baking? It’s not like she has never cooked before to varying levels of success. So, they settled it in a bet, as per usual. Despite winning, Sirius ended up with a sick stomach not an hour later.
See, the reason Nakayama needed Orfevre’s incredibly refined palate— she was an incredibly picky eater— was to make sure the sour rock candies she whipped up wouldn’t kill her little brother when he cut open into his birthday cake.
This was Nakayama Festa after all, clearly not a single surprise was to be spared if it involved her. All the same, Sirius didn’t quite mind this outcome as she got to see her actually make the cake while she lounged at the dormitory kitchen with tea Nakayama prepared. She was not complaining.
Nakayama worked diligently. To anyone else, such a sight would be odd. To Sirius? She’s seen her tend to her plants with just as much care and intention everyday. This wasn’t surprising in the slightest. Rather, she liked the idea that she was privy to this side of Nakayama. The side that would spend a little over a day just mixing up the perfect mixture of sour candy and making her friends throw up in the process, yes. At the very least it was interesting.
At the very least, she was doing something other than worry.
“What are you even going to do with these?” Sirius picked up the perfect batch of blue and purple candies Nakayama just finished setting. They crumbled if she pressed on them hard enough. Her brother was turning 7 after all, she didn’t want him to lose a tooth on his birthday. But Sirius would be a fool if she were to taste one again.
“Gonna stuff them inside the cake so they spill out when we cut into it…” Nakayama muttered softly as she carefully tapped the pans on the table, getting rid of any bubbles in the batter. “It’s called a geode cake, I’m pretty sure.”
“Sounds cool.” Sirius flicked off the candy dust from her fingers. “Does your brother like rocks?”
“Tried to eat them when he was smaller.” She held more focus in putting the pans in the oven than when she was training. “So, I learned how to make him candy rocks instead of risking a trip to the emergency room.”
“Smart move.”
“Hard to believe we come from the same parents.”
Nakayama closed the oven door and turned to Sirius. She leaned on the countertop for what little rest she had before diving straight back into baking and whatever else she was planning to do.
Nakayama wasn’t one to smile. At least, not to other people. She smiled when no one was looking while spritzing her flowers early in the morning. She smiled at the random posts Dream Journey would send her throughout the day. She smiled when Gold Ship found a new way to terrorize Fenomeno. And she was smiling now, baking for her little brother. Sirius liked this side of hers more than she cared to admit.
“You’ve been staring at me this whole time.” Nakayama pointed out. And well, to be fair, she has. Sirius thinks of it more as observing her from a distance. Letting her enjoy herself and Sirius did as much as she could to keep her smiling the way she was now.
“It’s not a bad view if I say so myself,” Sirius smirked at her, leaning closer to where Nakayama stood across from her. It wouldn’t be the first time she flirted, nor would it be the last. But every time she did, she would unintentionally think back to the very one-sided argument she had with CB.
They were just friends.
That’s all Nakayama needed.
It’s fine.
Nakayama rolled her eyes. “Sure, it is.”
“Oh, come on,” Sirius picked up her cup of now lukewarm tea. “Is it so hard to take a compliment?”
“Is it so hard for you to come up with a compliment you haven’t told other girls before?” Nakayama pulled herself away to start on the icing, completely missing the way Sirius’ ears flicked down for a split second. “Don’t you have a date today?”
“Nope.” Sirius said too quickly. “Haven’t had one in a while.”
“Yikes. Dry spell?”
Sirius shrugged. It’s not like it happened overnight either. But she slowly started losing interest in the girls she’d usually have no problem talking into a hotel room with her. A few too many unrewarding hookups later, she just stopped sleeping around all together. It wasn’t worth it. “What about you?”
“What about me?” Nakayama met her stare as she carefully sifted powdered sugar. Her brows were furrowed as she tried to get a read on Sirius’ expression. “Wait, is this how you ask people to hook up recently? Wow. Even the whole ‘puppy’ schtick would work better than this.”
“Hey, show some respect.” Sirius had entertained any and all questions Nakayama had about her sex life which were few and far in between. Nakayama generally just minded her own business. Not that it bothered her at all. This was better than a nosy roommate anyways. “I’m not asking you to do anything, just checking in on your love life. If I did sleep with you, I’d ruin your standards forever.”
There was a moment of silence.
Nakayama held her stare for as long as she could before turning her attention back to the mixer. While pouring the rest of the ingredients in, she mumbled under her breath. Sirius’ ears flicked. “What was that?”
She let out a big sigh, clicking the bowl in place. “More like you’d be setting the standard.”
The mixer started up with a low hum.
Sirius’ mouth fell open.
“I should’ve kept my stupid mouth shut,” Nakayama muttered as her cheeks started flushing red. “Go ahead, make fun of me before I die of embarrassment."
“It’s not that,” Sirius tried to save face. It just never occurred to her that Nakayama would be a virgin, she looked like she could get with anyone if she wanted to anyways. But she would never say that to her face. “There’s nothing wrong with being a… But it’s just— I don’t know! It’s not like you aren’t hot. Who are the people you’re even dating that they haven’t… Wait—”
The way Nakayama stared at her beet red and her ears flat against her head said everything.
Goddesses, she wanted to keel over and die.
“Seriously?”
“Sirius, listen to me. I would swallow hot coal while drinking gasoline if it got you to stop talking right now.”
Sirius drank the rest of her tea before snapping her mouth shut.
Nakayama didn’t bother talking for a while, instead she kept trying to get the icing perfect while waiting for the cakes to finish up in the oven. While she portioned out the icing, Sirius tried, and failed not to think about what she just learned.
To be completely frank, Nakayama shouldn’t have a problem with getting someone to date her. What isn’t there to like? She was great company. She was good at cooking and finding great— albeit shady— places to eat. And yeah, Sirius meant it when she said Nakayama looked good. She wasn’t fucking blind. Hey, if they weren’t friends she would definitely hit her up. Sirius pinched herself for that thought. Where the fuck did that come from?
“Please stop staring at me, I can hear your thoughts from here.” Sirius blinked at her voice, snapping out of her thoughts. Nakayama was mixing in food coloring into the icing as she spoke. “I didn’t have much time to date between hospital visits and taking care of my siblings, okay? No one wants to date the eldest sibling with kids attached to her hip and all that baggage anyways.”
She should. She didn’t have to know more. No one was forcing her to. She didn’t have to know about Nakayama’s teacher. She didn’t have to know about her hobbies. She didn’t even have to know much about her family. Yet here Sirius was, ever so tempted to just keep asking and prodding and knowing more about her roommate more than anyone else. Hell, she wasn’t even Nakayama’s first choice today. And that pissed her off more than the idea that no one saw what she could clearly see in Nakayama.
Against Sirius’ better judgement, she asked, “Has anyone kissed you before?”
Nakayama let out a long breath before shaking her head.
“Do you want to?”
There was a long pause.
Then Nakayama nodded.
The chair scraped against the floor just as the oven’s timer went off. Sirius rounded the table as she made her way towards Nakayama, who was flushing even redder than before. This doesn’t change anything, right?
Friends kissed each other sometimes, when they were drunk or high or both. But Sirius and Nakayama were both frighteningly sober for this. This being a girl helping out her friend with her very first kiss.
This was fine, right?
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to be with her.”
Well, screw you, CB. Maybe this isn’t a bad idea.
She swears she could hear Nakayama’s heart pounding as she towered over her. Nakayama did her best to turn away, but Sirius lifted her chin to meet her eyes. She wasn’t sure how she looked. She probably looked like a mess after taste testing all that sour candy in the morning. But really, she couldn’t care less. The sight of Nakayama’s flushed face and trembling lips were enough of a reason for her to just lean in and—
They’re still friends, right? This wouldn’t mean anything later down the line, would it? Even if she asked herself that a million times, nothing could answer why it was getting harder to breathe the more she pulled Nakayama in. This changes nothing.
Sirius stopped when she was inches away from her face. “Are you sure about this?”
“Yes, I am. Now kiss me before I chicken out and regret being born.” Nakayama said it so quickly Sirius couldn’t help but chuckle. Her bluffs were getting easier to read by the day.
And like the absolute bastard she was, Sirius leaned back by the slightest. Nakayama’s mouth hung open when Sirius tilted her head as she spoke. “Don’t say that,” her other arm snaked its way to the small of Nakayama’s back and pulled her closer, “You don’t get to snake your way out of this one that easy.”
Somehow, Nakayama breathed even faster. If Sirius didn’t find this absolutely priceless, she would’ve gone in for the kiss already. But no. The only thing missing from this moment was a camera to capture her expression right now. Or, Sirius could do the womanly thing and do this to Nakayama again, but she decided against it. For now at least.
“Please, just kiss me,” Nakayama whispered so quietly that Sirius wouldn’t have heard it had they not been pressed chest to chest like this in the past few moments.
Moments? Seconds? She didn’t mind it if it went up to minutes. Or even hours.
Even so, Sirius started leaning in again and said in a low voice,
“Good girl.”
Now, if Sirius had her way, her lips would have been on Nakayama’s in seconds flat. But the loud ringing of a phone made both girls flinch. They both turned to the lit-up phone vibrating on the table. Neither quite processed the text on the screen for a while until Sirius felt Nakayama’s tail flick in irritation.
Nakayama took a deep breath before grabbing her phone. “I’m going to kill him.”
Sirius didn’t get time to question her when she immediately put her phone on speaker as she answered the call. As though she wasn’t a complete and utter blushing mess seconds ago, Nakayama grumbled, “What is it?!”
A young boy’s voice came through the speakers. “Don’t put anything weird in my cake!”
“Who told you that?!” Nakayama looked visibly irritated for once. Sirius didn’t know if it was because she was getting blue-balled by her little brother or because she was getting accused of something she was absolutely guilty of doing. Sirius didn’t even know if this was a good time to let go of Nakayama’s waist.
“Dad did!”
“Of course he did,” Nakayama rolled her eyes but she didn't pull away either. “I'm not doing anything to your cake. And tell him I'm bringing my friend to your party.”
Sirius blinked. “What?”
“What?! You can't do tha—”
Nakayama hung up the call and began texting her parents— presumably— about bringing Sirius to her brother’s birthday. Her face was still scrunched up and dusted pink from the whole exchange. Sirius didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
The answer was neither because while she stood still in shock, Nakayama leaned up to peck her on the cheek.
Sirius felt her jaw drop as Nakayama pulled herself away from her grip. “That's enough for a first kiss for now. I need to get back at that kid.”
Sirius did not stop her from mixing some of the failed batches of sour candy with the perfect ones.
———————
Sirius never misses her shots.
At least, to the best of her ability. And if her skill was hampered by a certain bum in a red dress, that’s just life. Sometimes you win as a lesbian and sometimes you lose.
Nakayama whistled lowly as she stared at the game, all the stripes and the 8 ball gone from the pool table. Sirius smiled smugly at her work. She didn’t even give her opponent the chance to breathe seeing as all the solids were scattered across the table. It was her best win yet and Nakayama couldn’t help but lean her head on Sirius’ shoulder as she announced, “You won.”
Sirius couldn’t stop her grin from growing as she wrapped an arm around Nakayama. She whispered in her ear, “What’s that about me having a slump?”
She responded with a nudge to her side.
Laughing, Sirius made eye contact with her opponent on the other side of the table. The message was clear and ill-received. Across the table, her opponent slammed down the cue stick and left with a huff.
The night started out in Tracen, as it always did. But not for long. Never for long. See, if it were any other night, Sirius would have been fine playing pool with Nakayama. They’ve done it many times and she has won many bets this way. If she wanted to play a particularly funny prank on Nakayama, this is how she would’ve gone about her way.
But tonight, she wanted Nakayama to stay in the campus until the event being held was done and over with so they could go back to their dorm without using any detours.
Was it overbearing? Yes.
Controlling? Perhaps.
But was it necessary?
Sirius would die on the hill that it absolutely was.
Because it took less than a minute for the pair to turn heads when they got to their usual pool lounge.
Her suit jacket was wrapped around Nakayama’s bare shoulders before she could protest.
Long before this night, Sirius had always given into Nakayama’s whims. If she counted— just off the top of her head— there’s the hospital thing, her whole gardening schtick, the stupid cat, and even the baking incident that neither ever addressed after the fact. All of those were safely tucked in her mind as moments with her close friend, roommate, partner-in-crime, what-have-you.
Tonight, however, any possibility of saying no to Nakayama plummeted down to sub-zero. All because of that dumb dress and that stupid look on her face when she was challenging Sirius to a game. If Sirius wasn’t humiliated already from when she first saw Nakayama, she looked like an absolute joke right then and there.
Sirius had to be pulled towards the pool hall like a lost puppy from how much she’d been staring at Nakayama the whole night. And yes, she has been staring.
Their first game together, Sirius missed the break shot. Nakayama laughed so loudly it caught the neighboring tables’ attention. Not that they weren’t already stealing glances at Nakayama, especially when she was trying to make a shot. Sirius shadowed her closely, much like she usually would whenever they played to coach her when she couldn’t quite see where to aim. Except, Sirius had nothing to say to Nakayama. She glowered at the other patrons of the pool hall.
The next few games weren’t any better seeing as Sirius’ kept a close eye on Nakayama, smug that she was winning in pool for once. To some degree, she must have known that Sirius’ losing streak was because of her. Which either meant she didn’t care because she was winning or she absolutely knew and was taking advantage of every single second she was out of Sirius’ sight.
Either way, it was working way too well.
Eventually, someone started a conversation with Nakayama while Sirius was making a shot. That was too generous. Sirius was acutely aware that they were trying to flirt with Nakayama, all the while she was stood right in front of them and Nakayama was wearing her jacket. If the message wasn’t fucking clear enough, the cue ball flying off the table should have been the takeaway.
Feeling cocky after seeing Sirius’ terrible games, they decided to challenge her if only to impress Nakayama. That in itself was a bad move on their part. But what really set Sirius off was the wink they gave her roommate before making the break shot.
Sirius was suddenly grateful she had lost so many games to Nakayama at that very moment, because that would be their first and only turn before she dominated the game.
Watching the bastard walk away only fueled her ego as she held Nakayama tight against her side. Nakayama chuckled at the sight. “You’re a sore winner.”
“I know I am,” Sirius took pride in how the rest of the patrons started to take the hint and minded their own business. “Don’t I deserve praise for that game?”
“Jealousy is an oddly fitting look on you.” Sirius scoffed at the accusation she knew to be true.
“Keep this up and you’ll be seeing it on me often,” she whispered.
Sirius could accept that she was being unreasonably jealous. They weren’t a couple. As far as their record went, they were just friends. Roommates. Nothing more, nothing less.
But selfishly, she wanted to be more.
Nakayama nudged her arm off. “Please, that wasn’t anything.”
Sirius hummed.
She watched as Nakayama walked over to the counter to pay for their games. She insisted that this would be her treat just to get Sirius out of the campus. Except Sirius paid for everything. So, really, she reached into the jacket and pulled out a card to pay. If Nakayama hadn’t memorized the pins by now, Sirius would be disappointed.
It didn’t take long for Nakayama to get back to Sirius, tugging her hand as they left. This time, the patrons knew better than to steal another glance at the girl in a red dress and her taller, scarier friend. Girlfriend? Who knew? Clearly neither one of the girls knew either.
Leaving the pool hall didn’t mean anything. Neither of them planned on going home any time soon. Usually this meant moving to another hall or casino or another one of those creepy alleys Nakayama found that led to some cozy restaurant with the best ramen or something. But after that whole game, they decided to wordlessly wander well-lit empty streets.
Nakayama’s hands were cold. That much hasn’t changed. But recently, she found herself reaching for them more than she cared to admit. She started interlacing their fingers together whenever they sat next to each other, and to her credit, Nakayama never shied away. Maybe once or twice at first. Now, they could just be idly using their phones but their hands found each other regardless.
Sirius lifted up their intertwined hands and placed a kiss on her knuckles. She took notice almost instantly and gave Sirius the stink eye, despite her cheeks flushing. “Knock it off. People will think we’re dating.”
Another thing that changed was all the kissing.
Never on the lips.
Goddesses, no.
But Sirius took the fake out, peck on the cheek personally. Any and every chance she got, she would place a kiss where she could reach. She’s kissed her hands the most. When that wasn’t an option, she’d place kisses on her shoulders. If she was feeling like bothering Nakayama, she’d kiss her on the neck. Sometimes it was her forehead, then her cheeks, the corners of her lips—
Sirius really wanted to kiss her on the lips.
“Good.” She lowered her voice, leaning closer to her ears. Sirius also kissed her in the ears at times, it made her flush in seconds flat. “I don’t want anyone else looking at you tonight.”
That too, made her blush instantaneously. “You’re so lucky no one’s around.”
Sirius let out a laugh. “Don’t give me that. Weren’t you the one who asked me to kiss you?”
“You asked me,” Nakayama said pointedly. “And if you’re going to flirt with me the whole night, you might as well give me my first dance while you’re at it.”
Nakayama yelped when Sirius stopped walking, her arm getting tugged backwards. She looked at her with her eyes furrowed and head tilted. Sirius slowly shook her head. “You’ve never danced before?”
When Nakayama pulled her hand away, Sirius felt her fingers twitch towards hers. The smaller girl crossed her arms in mock irritation. “Not a waltz at least.”
She couldn’t hold back her dry laugh if she tried. “Then why would you ask me to leave the party if you wanted a dance?”
“I didn’t want to dance,” Nakayama’s smile said otherwise. “I just thought you wanted to get out of the place like you always do.”
“So, you’re telling me I’m the problem?” Sirius pulled her closer by the waist.
Nakayama snickered, pressing her hands on the taller girl's shoulders for some distance. It did nothing but she couldn't say she didn't try. “What's up with you lately? You're impossibly clingy.”
Sirius shrugged.
In truth, she needed her.
There's nothing more to say beyond that.
People say you never know you need something until you lose it. Earlier today, when the bed beside hers was empty, she spent all day agonizing over it. How it hadn't clicked for her then, she didn't know.
To her credit, she probably didn't even know she had Sirius wrapped around her finger. It was Sirius who would always tag along Nakayama’s antics to make sure she was okay. It was Sirius who threw hissy fits when she was with other people. It was Sirius who threw herself into her personal life in the first place.
It was pathetic, really. She wanted this. There wasn't an obligation to reach out to Nakayama outside of what was necessary. No one told her to call out to her roommate that day at the hospital.
Actually, people warned her. Her friends knew this would happen and she fought like she was a wounded dog backed into a corner. All of that just to prove her friends right in the end.
What a fucking joke.
A part of her knew Nakayama deserved better. Someone who didn't throw her a pity party in the first place. But the idea of anyone else getting to hold her as tightly as she was right now only served to upset her.
Amongst all of her friends, Sirius was the only one to see her wake up in the morning to water her precious plants. She wants to be the one to buy her candies, chocolates, and whatever else her heart desires every day. She was the only witness to her grief on the days she couldn't visit the hospital.
She refused to let any of that change all the while knowing she had no right to feel this way.
They are friends.
Nakayama needed a friend.
Not a girlfriend.
This was bad— dangerous even. How could this even happen? When did this happen? Not overnight, that's for sure.
Between late nights of poker and slow mornings at breakfast, Sirius started counting on Nakayama being there to come home to after a long day.
Their dorm. Their room. Their home.
When did it become home?
What has this girl done to her?
And why should it ever have to end?
“You look like you want to ask me something.” The words almost felt like she was projecting. But with Nakayama’s brows slowly creasing and her lips opening and closing, she knew her roommate was deep in thought as well.
“Nothing…” Nakayama was usually better at bluffing. She seemed to be quite aware of this as she rescinded her statement. “Fine. Just… I don't think I'll like the answer.”
A part of Sirius thought it was obvious. And that she would be disgusted by the fact that Sirius had fallen so irrevocably hard for her while she was in such a precarious situation. While she finally had a career and things were finally looking up for her.
She wasn't ready to be rejected.
Still, she said, “Ask me anyway.”
Nakayama took a deep breath, eyes still far away as she tried to search for the words. Sirius did her best to brace herself. And like she had been for the past few months, she guessed wrong.
“What's… What's France like?”
Sirius felt her body freeze. “Huh?”
“Wait— no. Don't answer that—”
Her hands left Sirius' shoulders to try and cover her face. Her ears were flicking furiously and Sirius could almost feel a splash of cold, cold water splash over her.
Her teacher.
Fuck.
“Nakayama, what happened?” Sirius felt her heart leaping to her throat the longer she waited for an answer. And really, what right did she have to feel this way?
“It takes a different kind of selflessness to be someone’s support system.”
Sirius hated that she was in the wrong this whole time.
“She’s in France right now.” Nakayama murmured, wrapping her arms around Sirius and burying her face in the crook of her neck. There was a pang of anger in her chest when she said those words, but in her rational mind, she knew what was happening.
“Weren’t you supposed to go together?” Sirius knew the answer. But she had to be here. She had to be Nakayama’s friend.
“She’s dying, Sirius.” She swears she heard Nakayama sob. “It’s now or never for her.”
Neither said another word.
Sirius held her tight, both to comfort and assuage her guilt.
———————
Sirius royally fucked up.
It’s a few months too late to realize, but Sirius did in fact reflect on this when she got home. Bag of sweets in one hand, the other opened the door to their dorm. Well, she guessed what remained of the dorm.
Nakayama had thrown the whole place upside down again, trying to pack a bag as it would seem. She didn’t know why. She already spent the last week or so with her teacher. She just got back yesterday from her hometown so she could start training again. At least, that’s what her trainer told Sirius.
Shutting the door behind her, she carefully approached Nakayama as she shoved mismatched clothes into a small bag. “Hey, what’s—”
“Today’s your restock, right?”
Nakayama’s voice was frantic. Her whole body was shaking. More importantly, her eyes were glossy.
Sirius already knew where this was going.
“It is.” She lifted up the sweets and in a flash, Nakayama had grabbed it and started unsuccessfully shoving it into her bag. “Nakayama, stop that.”
It took a while to pull the bag away from her and sit her down on the bed, given that she was running on pure adrenaline and her clothes were strewn across the room. But when Sirius finally did, she held on tight to her trembling hands as she tried to get Nakayama to slow her breathing. Both of which felt herculean to say the least.
Sirius brushed the hair off her face before cupping her cheek. “That’s right. Deep breaths.”
Deep, shaky, uncontrollable breaths, but it was better than nothing. Once she wasn’t painfully gasping for air, Nakayama finally spoke. “Sorry for the mess, but I really need to leave again.”
“Where?” Sirius knew what the answer was, but something gnawed at her to ask. “You just got back.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes people are itching to die, Sirius.”
Nakayama pulled her hands away from her, getting up from the bed to pace the room. Her breathing was starting to speed up again but at least she wasn’t grabbing anything that she could harm herself with. Sirius knew better than to say anything, at least.
She buried her face in her palms. “I left my phone on silent while training, Sirius. Her father was trying to call me and I was just running in circles!”
There was so much vitriol in her tone, it made Sirius flinch. Nakayama wasn’t a hateful person, at the very least, not to anyone she cared about. But also, she very clearly didn’t like herself. Especially right at this very moment.
“How could I do that?” She continued, her pacing could burn holes on the floor at this rate. “I know she’s dying and I still put my phone on silent! What the fuck is wrong with me?!”
Nothing.
Sirius wanted to say.
Everything about Nakayama was perfect.
Her smile. Her laugh. Her heart. All of it.
What had been pity driving Sirius to help her was now helplessness. It wrenched against her neck and squeezed her dry as she watched the girl she loved shatter to pieces in front of her. And her heart ached with every second that passed.
Nakayama only stopped in her tracks when she saw the violets on her windowsil.
“They said I could visit her at the funeral.”
Sirius did her best to take care of them, and while they weren’t dead, they certainly weren’t doing the best. Even still, Nakayama softened at the sight of them.
Her dearest reminder of her teacher.
“I need to go back, Sirius,” Nakayama voice was hoarse with unshed tears. “Please help me.”
Sirius’ throat felt dry. In a perfect world, she would have reached out to Nakayama before she saw her at the hospital. Maybe in that world, she could somehow hold her tight and take away her pain.
But this was not a perfect world.
No, in this world, she didn’t care until she had to.
In this world, she wasn’t selfless.
“How did you leave her?” Sirius murmured.
“I— I don’t…” Her breathing grew deeper as she tried to parse her words. “What are you trying to say? That I shouldn’t have come back? Is that—”
“Was she smiling?”
Nakayama flinched. Slowly, she nodded.
“We were drying some flowers I brought,” she said. “In her diary. She told me not to open for a year.”
A friend.
She had to be a friend.
Even if it would have been so much easier to kiss her and tell her the pain will stop.
Sirius took a shaky breath. “Let that be your last memory of her.”
The silence that followed served to mock her.
It lasted too long. It strangled her for being so blind. So stupid. So slow. But she was here now, and to fold would only be cruel. No, she had to stick around to the bitter end.
Sunk cost and all that.
All for the sake of being a friend.
The silence continued, even as tears fell from Nakayama’s eyes. Sirius had never seen her cry. For all the months she knew her, she soldiered on despite everything. Anything and everything she could do to pretend she wasn’t in pain, she did it.
But it was a ticking time bomb just waiting to burst at the slightest touch.
Today was that day.
“But… I have to be there….” Nakayama took in a sharp breath, hardly capable of looking Sirius in the eye. “She’s my mom.”
There was not another word to be said.
Sirius let Nakayama sink into her arms, strangled, quiet sobs that tore through her throat as she buried her face in her chest. She did not scream. She couldn’t. Her body needed to cry but her mind refused to accept reality until it saw a casket. Her nails dug into Sirius’ skin, blunt but her grip was hard enough to leave indents.
There was nothing Sirius could offer other than gentle strokes on her back and soft kisses she pressed on the crown of her head.
Because really, she was just a friend.
“Will you be okay just being her friend?”
She has to be.