Archive of Our Own

Full disclosure, she fell in love with her roommate 2 seconds after meeting her.

Who wouldn’t? Sirius Symboli looked like sex on wheels. And it’s not just because of her physique even though that was one of the major contributors. Another one of her disclosures was that she caught herself staring far more often than she cared to admit, but that was besides the point.

No, Sirius had that stupid face of hers that thinks she can charm a statue into bed with her but like hell would she do that. She actually has standards. And in the line graph of pretty girls who were unattainable but have a lot of emotional baggage and those who were naive and thoroughly enamored by Sirius’ charms, Nakayama stood on another line completely.

Credit where credit’s due, Sirius has been a stellar friend and roommate to her. More than what she could ever expect anyways. And really, more than she deserved. Emotional support aside, Nakayama can’t remember the last time she paid for anything— Sirius made sure she wouldn’t even see the bills. It annoyed her at first, she wasn’t many things but she sure as hell wasn’t helpless.

Eventually though, she allowed the fantasy of being spoiled by Sirius consume her. The card she gave her was always in her wallet ready for another candy run. Sirius always made sure she was on top of all her classes and training, the only exception being when she stayed up until 4am. She made it a point that her well-being always came first. Nakayama thinks Sirius would be great at aftercare.

If she closed her eyes tight enough, she could imagine that Sirius actually stopped hooking up because she preferred spoiling Nakayama. Still, she had the very silent storm of jealousy brewing in her mind when Sirius was still sleeping around. Goddesses, she’d give anything to be one of those girls. Yes, even if she has preferential treatment. A girl can dream, dammit.

All things considered, she has probably shared a bed with Sirius more than any of those girls combined. Her side of their room has been empty for weeks now. She’d been seeking comfort in Sirius’ sheets and arms the entire time her teacher’s health deteriorated. Despite waking up pressed against her, limbs sprawled, and hair a mess, Nakayama wished the distance to close even further.

It’s a weird cocktail of shitty things that she somehow found herself picking up the longer she existed. You know, grief and all that. Nakayama didn’t know she could be hollowed out more than she already was. And really, she didn’t realize it either until she saw her newly-potted flowers wilting the other day and felt nothing. Honestly, the first thing she thought was to let the damn thing rot.

But Sirius bought her a new plot of violets and who was she to say no to her? Jokes aside, a selfish part of her missed when her teacher was alive to listen to her spirited rants about her stupidly hot roommate and the candies she’d buy for her every other day. Sirius being so good to her should have really been more than enough, even if it was all just pretend in her head.

But it really wasn’t. She wanted more. So much more than just her roommate. Her friend.

Maybe the alcohol was starting to hit her hard.

Maybe that was the point.

Maybe she should get even more drunk.

Nakayama didn’t have it in her to go home after the funeral. When they arrived at the dorm gates, it felt like there was a massive glass wall keeping her from entering. Between her puffy eyes and the dark funeral clothes, the image of the casket slowly sinking into the ground kept replaying in her mind. And their room couldn’t feel like home anymore. Not since the news. Even if Sirius holding her was more than she could ever want.

Instead of forcing her, Sirius called Hishiama to let her know they'd be staying out. Then, she got them a nice hotel a good distance away from Tracen and went out to buy them some food and booze. Nakayama didn't complain. Really, she didn’t speak. She hasn’t for quite some time now.

No one really expected her to say anything either. Ever since the news, Nakayama barely existed. If she wasn't going about her usual routine of school, training, and gardening, she'd stare off into space or waste the day sleeping. If it weren't for Sirius, she'd forget to eat something other than candy.

And really, the bottle of really fancy wine was probably to help her talk after nearly two weeks of voluntary silence.

This wouldn’t be the first time she went drinking with Sirius. Drinking in bars after pool became a common occurrence long before her teacher’s condition worsened. It was a ritual, almost. A means to get close to her roommate even though they were usually with Sirius’ fanclub or some people they met on the same night.

Drinking led to Sirius learning she didn’t like beer. It stung her throat and was way too bland for her tastes. Honestly, she thought Sirius wouldn’t drink with her after that. But to her surprise, the next time she led Nakayama to a bar, she put her card down and bought her as many cocktails as she could stomach before getting drunk.

Alcohol made Nakayama wallow in her self-pity as much as it got rid of her nervousness around her really hot roommate. Not that Sirius complained. She always flirted back, nursing Nakayama back to sobriety before heading home. They’d get ready for bed, fall asleep, and nothing more.

Add that to the list of Sirius being a good roommate but impossible to date.

But this would be the first time they’d be drinking alone, in a hotel room, still wearing their dark suits…

How long did it have to be after a funeral for it to sleep with someone?

Morbid thought, she knows, but Sirius was meters away from her and if she leaned in close enough she could feign being shitfaced.

Honestly, she wasn't sure how Sirius hadn't caught on that she had a blaring crush on her after a whole year. Nakayama was clinically aware of how much her composure crumbled around her roommate that it wasn't even funny. One wrong move and she would have made this whole rooming arrangement thing all the more awkward for them.

Conversely, she was glad that Sirius was none the wiser. She didn't know if she could handle the awkward tension of her roommate rejecting her. And she just knew that Sirius would reject her ass if she did confess. People dated up, not down after all. Nakayama would rather shoot herself in the mouth than humiliate herself competing with the girls Sirius dated.

She’d bet that they got sugar baby treatment too, if only it weren’t a winning bet.

How many glasses of wine has she even emptied by now? How many bottles? She can’t even remember the food Sirius brought over because she grabbed the wine the moment it was in arm’s reach. 

But the alcohol made her so pathetically weak that she knew the blush on her cheeks wasn't from drinking.

Sirius looked so perfect in every way, shape, and form. Even now, while she was dishevelled after enough glasses of wine and several rounds of poker, Nakayama wanted nothing more than to reach over and kiss her. But after enough teasing and hinting, she gave up and plopped on the carpet.

Like the good friend she was, Sirius took a seat next to her to make sure she wasn’t lonely.

This must have been so lame on her part. Of all the girls Sirius has taken to bed, how many of them were sprawled out on the dirty carpet in a pathetic heap like her? None. Because those girls slept on the bed after Sirius probably fucked their brains out. But really, they’d never know how gentle Sirius is while carding through the knots in her hair. Only Nakayama would know that feeling. Right?

How long have they been like this? Scratch that. How long has Sirius been like this?

It was a subtle shift, so much so that Nakayama didn’t even notice. But when exactly did Sirius start dropping hookups just to be with her? When did she get so interested in her space? When has she been so protective of Nakayama?

If she shut her eyes and ignored all the blaring signals, she could hope that Sirius actually liked her. Like, actually interested in starting a relationship with her beyond just being friends. If she closed her eyes hard enough, she could ignore the gaping holes in that theory and let herself dream.

She remembers a time when her teacher wanted to meet Sirius. Even though she was willing to pay Sirius off to be her friend, Nakayama vehemently refused every single time. For one, her teacher already knew about the massive crush she had on her roommate the moment she saw their picture together. More importantly, Sirius didn’t seem too enthused about intruding as much as she already was.

Not that Sirius would walk away. She knew pity when she saw it. And as much as it irked her that her crush could only pity her, she allowed herself the chance to pretend that she actually cared about her beyond the sob story. It was a fantasy she could keep up so long as she never confessed. 

After all, the last thing she wanted was to be blacklisted and never talk to her roommate ever again just because she had a crush on her.

Like always, her teacher came up with a compromise: she’d have to introduce Sirius if they ever got together.

She took another sip of wine.

Honestly, she wasn’t sure what upset her more. The fact she never fulfilled her promise or the fact that it bothered her so much she couldn’t fulfil that promise. Of course she hated the fact they never got to go to France together. She hated that they got to watch their first and last opera together a few weeks ago. She hated that stupid Sirius Symboli wasn’t her girlfriend.

And there was no other person to blame but herself.

Even so, staring up at Sirius cushioned the pain as much as it would allow.

She’s known grief for as long as her teacher had been ill. It hung over Nakayama, waiting to drop until the news came and every single horrible thought came crashing down all at once. And honestly, she didn't know how she was even surviving as much as she had been.

Well, that's a lie.

She knows it's because of Sirius.

A part of her wonders how that'll last.

Eventually, Sirius would tire of the bottomless pit in her chest or by some miracle, she'd get better and Sirius would leave without once turning back. If she wanted Nakayama after all, she would have fucked her a long time ago. 

Nakayama knows she should feel guilty for even thinking about using Sirius for her comfort. She knows she shouldn't rely on Sirius to take care of her. But if it wasn't so damn tempting, she would've been saving up for therapy and not France.

Because she could live with the guilt if it meant seeing Sirius wake up next to her.

There was a part of her that knew she could move on from her teacher's death. Another part of her agreed she would, if only because Sirius was there and that part of her wished that she would stay long after that. But another part of her, the sadder—arguably smarter—part of her knew Sirius didn't actually care.

Pity does that to people. It made them believe that they have the magic ability to save others. Nakayama should have hated it but she couldn't. Not when it brought Sirius to her.

It was a painful tug of war of self-respect and desperation that she brought on to herself. It kept the girl of her dreams at arm's length but a wall kept her wishing they were holding each other like lovers do. For any form of connection after her person died just weeks ago.

And staring up at Sirius made her wish for more.

More than pity.

More than anything she wanted Sirius. 

She wanted Sirius to hold her so tight that all the air from her lungs would be forced out.

She wanted Sirius to kiss her so deeply she'd forget that even that wasn't enough to fill the pit in her chest.

She wanted Sirius to love her in all the ways she loved her since the very beginning.

And with Sirius smiling down at her with that stupid smirk of hers, making another pass that she would never mean, filling her stomach with butterflies and her head with thoughts so sinful it made her wince…

Goddess all she could ever want right at that moment was to win the gamble and hear Sirius say the words—

“You know that I love you, right?”

It was that wishful thinking and the bottles of wine that made the words slip out of her mouth.

Nakayama tried to blink off her drunken stupor, but it did little to actually help. She couldn't stop her stupid mouth if she tried. “I like… really, really like you. So much that I think I'm gonna throw up just—”

When her eyes met Sirius', she knew she fucked up. Her face dropped almost comically, if only Nakayama’s stomach wasn't getting twisted into knots she would have made fun of her. Her mouth opened and closed as she struggled to get words out.

Oh, Nakayama wanted to shoot herself in the mouth.

“What? Cat got your tongue?” Her ears flattened on her head. Nakayama couldn’t hide her shaking hands if she tried. “It’s not that serious, okay? I mean I do like you but it’s a long shot anyways.”

Before she could take another sip of wine, Sirius’ hand reached out to set the glass aside. Nakayama didn’t dare look up to see the look of disgust on her face right now. She thinks she’d explode right then and there. “I think it’s time to turn in for the night.”

Tears pricked her eyes. Nakayama has been crying herself to sleep the past few weeks, leading up to the funeral. It’s the most she’s cried over the course of her short life. She didn’t think she’d find a new reason to cry so soon. “Is that it?”

She could hear Sirius’ breath hitch. “Now is not the time.”

“Then when?” Her hands flew to her face, trying to hide the tears that couldn’t just stay put. Her and her stupid goddamn mouth always making things worse for her. “When should I confess? When you get tired of me? When you graduate and find someone easier to love?”

“That’s not what I said, Nakayama.” Sirius’ tone dropped.

“It’s not what you said, it's the fact that’s all you can say!” And Nakayama didn’t mean to raise her voice. “Fuck, man. If you don’t like me just say it so we can forget this ever happened and we can go back to being—”

“You think I want to forget this?” Nakayama flinched when Sirius stood up. She finally lifted her head to look up at Sirius only to find a scowl plastered on her pretty face. Nakayama felt more tears escape her eyes. “You think this is a fun game for me? That I want to tell you off after you just… What would even possess you to tell me this right now?”

“I don’t know, maybe because I fucking love you?” Nakayama snapped back.

“Stop saying that, you’re drunk.” Sirius scolded.

“Why is that suddenly a concern for you? Are you just waiting for me to get better so you can fuck someone else guilt-free? Is that it?” She didn’t know she had it in her to be this mad. “You want to go back to sleeping with half the campus? With girls you meet in the apps and bars and get way more drunk than me?”

“What?! I haven’t even talked to anyone for months now, Nakayama. Where is this coming from?” Bless Sirius’ heart, she thinks. She was completely unaware just how much she wanted her. Until now, that is.

“Of course you haven’t. You’ve been so busy feeling sorry for little old me like the good friend you are.”

“Hey—”

“Or is that your goal? Playing the long game so you don’t have to feel bad fucking someone as miserable as me.”

Nakayama felt her heart stop completely. Her hands fell to her mouth before she even had time to think. Sirius didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to. Nakayama hit a sore spot that she never once dared to ask about. More tears spilled from her eyes as she tried too hard to come up with an apology, not that there was anything she could say to salvage the situation.

Sirius didn’t love her.

That's the only reason she got rejected.

So, how could she tell her such a thing? 

“Let’s get you to bed.”

Her head shot up way too quickly. The alcohol and her crying made her vision blurry from vertigo. Still, she could see Sirius holding out her hands to help her get up from the floor. Help. That’s all Sirius has been doing for her since the day they crossed paths at the hospital. That’s all it will ever be for her. An extension of kindness for a roommate as pitiable as Nakayama.

She didn’t deserve someone like Sirius. Someone who would drop her whole life if only to make her friend’s life more comfortable until they got better. And really, all she could offer was a promise that she would never be boring.

Boy, was she cashing in on that promise, wasn’t she?

Wordlessly, Nakayama took Sirius’ hands and let her lead her to the bed. Sirius hadn’t bothered to get them a room with two beds. They’d been under the assumption they’d be sharing a bed like always, after all.

Sirius probably regretted that decision now as she walked away from the bed once Nakayama settled in. Clearly, she didn’t want to be around her. But something in Nakayama couldn’t accept such a notion and she grabbed onto Sirius’ sleeve.

She didn’t deserve her. She knows she never did. But if their relationship was going to hell after this anyways, Nakayama wanted more. As much as this night would allow.

“Don’t leave me.”

Her voice came in such a small whisper it was hard to believe this was even happening. One last night as Sirius’ friend. One last night before they’d never even look at each other the same. One last chance to be held.

And like always, Sirius didn’t argue. She climbed onto bed next to Nakayama. Despite their fight and alcohol, their bodies slotted next to each other the way they had been for months.

With Nakayama’s head pressed against her chest, she tried to commit every single sensation— every feeling— every breath to memory. She was going to miss Sirius’ heartbeat. Her warm hands pressed flat against her back. Her fluttering kisses against the crown of her head that she still gave away despite the words they exchanged just moments prior.

Nakayama was going to miss all of it.

Her tears were soaking the front part of Sirius’ shirt, not that she complained. But Nakayama tried to pretend it was because even now, after she said all that, Sirius still cared about her. And while it ached so much that Sirius only cared about her, if she lied to herself enough it could be love.

Because when all is said and done, Nakayama could only ever love her roommate.

It is a pain that coincided with the grief but she could take it.

She always has.

Nakayama’s fingers dug into the back of Sirius’ shirt.

Goddesses, Sirius Symboli truly makes a fool out of her.

———————

There was some comfort in knowing she wouldn’t be alone visiting the cemetery.

It had been a handful of weeks since the funeral.

Since the last time she said goodbye to her teacher.

And the last time she even spoke to Sirius.

It was odd to say the least. They’ve lived together for more than a year now and it showed in how smoothly they went about their daily routines. From waking up at different times to showering to even heading out to have breakfast, they hardly even bumped into each other. Without even uttering a word to the other, that is.

Their normal evenings spent playing poker were now replaced with doomscrolling. Their endless chatter and silly wagers were now dead silent as they did their homework just to pass the time. They laid in their respective beds, not even looking up to bid the other good night.

If Nakayama stared at her screen hard enough, she could blame her tears on her phone. Curled up on her side and hiding beneath her blanket was where she cried silently until her pillow reeked of tears. All the while the girl of her dreams dried her hair before bed. And she knew that Sirius knew. But they were both in silent agreement that there wasn’t anything to make the pain go away.

It was a completely different grief than what she was used to.

With all the melodrama she’d subjected herself to the past weeks, it felt like a cruel joke that Sirius walked in the dorm holding a bundle of filler plants for a bouquet.

Nakayama refused to let go of the habit of making bouquets for her teacher. She made her best one yet at the funeral, tossing it on the casket as it was slowly buried. Her habit of visiting once a month also meant visiting the cemetery instead of the hospital. Nakayama wasn’t surprised that Sirius knew her schedule. What surprised her was Sirius helping her craft a bouquet for her first visit.

Sirius handed the plants wordlessly, looking at Nakayama with an almost constipated look on her face. Like it was painful to even be in the same room as her. It hurt Nakayama more than she was willing to admit. In some other universe, Sirius would be giving her an actual flower with a smug look on her face as though Nakayama couldn’t grow her own roses.

This was not that world.

Regardless, she took the plants and made quick work of preparing the flowers at her desk. Sirius took a seat next to her. Nakayama was half-tempted to just kiss her.

But neither spoke a word. Honestly, that was for the better.

Nakayama thinks this was progress, to some degree. They could tolerate being shoulder to shoulder now. Not to mention Sirius was still willing to help her after that night.

Goddesses, she’d give anything to take back that night and eat her fucking words if it meant talking to Sirius normally again. She was fine just being friends with her. Why did she have to go and mess this up?

She didn’t deserve Sirius.

She’s known this for a while now.

Sirius always made a point that she should have everything she wanted. But it was hard to want something she didn't know was even an option. She was so used to making thrills in the most mundane tasks that she didn't understand why Sirius was so insistent on making sure she was living to the fullest. She was quite satisfied with what they already had after all. Nakayama would be a liar if she said she didn’t like the attention she was getting.

To some degree, she knew Sirius would do anything she wanted. From simple bets in the cover of night to straight up ignoring school rules, if she asked, she would have it in seconds flat, no questions asked. And some devious part of her reveled in that treatment, but another part knew better than to wring Sirius dry. Hell, it’s why she hardly ever uses the card Sirius gave her.

Her hands froze while tying the bow.

Right.

Snipping the ribbons, she rummaged through her drawers to find her wallet. Sirius was probably looking at her, but she still refused to meet her gaze. When she finally found her wallet, she could tell Sirius was thoroughly confused. Doubly so when she slid the credit card across the desk.

Sirius looked at the card, then at her. A few moments of that back and forth went by before she stared at Nakayama with her brows furrowed. “What’s this?”

“Your card.” Her chest tightened just thinking about it. Not because she’d be losing money. Money was never a problem. She didn’t mind skipping a few meals. But giving back the card made the distance real. They couldn’t go back to being friends.

She always thought she would die alone anyways.

“Keep it.”

Nakayama would be lying if she didn’t feel relief upon hearing those words. But more than anything, she was confused. Blame it on the inexperience, blame it on the situation she created, but she thought this is what happens when people break up? Granted, they were never a couple and Nakayama has never even been kissed before. What did she know?

Well, she knew it was fucking weird that Sirius was still dancing around her feelings like it was nobody’s business.

“Are you stupid?” Nakayama stared at the card, pinched between Sirius’ fingers as she handed it back. “Why would you give me a card after rejecting me?”

“I never rejected you.” Sirius said with an air of frustration, as though Nakayama was overreacting. If anything, she was underreacting. There wasn’t any reason for Sirius to lead her on anymore, so why was she doing this? Why did she insist on babying Nakayama like she was a helpless, dirtied stray? Good god, woman. Just reject me already.

“And you didn’t accept my confession either. So, take the card back and spend it on someone you actually like.” Nakayama pushed the card back. This was getting old. She’d rather forget Sirius than be stuck in the loop of hoping that she actually liked her back when she pulled shit like this.

It’s not funny!

She already had to grieve the woman who gave her a reason to live, she didn’t want to have to be confused about grieving the person who made life worth living!

This was actually so fucking rude of her roommate— Sirius needed to make up her mind and either kiss her witless or leave her crying in bed.

“I am.” Sirius pressed the card to her hand. “I gave you that card to spend on yourself for good reason.”

She would rather die than admit to anyone that her heart simply soared when Sirius said that. And goddesses, Nakayama couldn’t fucking breathe. The bastard was a smooth motherfucker, she had to admit that.

But it wasn’t enough to dissuade her thoughts. It wasn’t enough to erase the pain she had gone through the past few weeks. She thinks that nothing would ever be enough to forgive Sirius. That being said, she knows it’s impossible to stop loving her either.

She drove her insane that way.

And Nakayama would come running back if she could.

Could she?

Sirius wasn’t closing the door on her. If anything, she was pulling it wide open. It gave Nakayama the slightest bit of hope that she didn’t think would be possible after that night. After weeks of dead silence. After Nakayama was shut down so gently, she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry so much that she did both.

Her eyes stung once more at the idea of getting her heartbroken yet again. By the same person, no less. Is this how all those girls that Sirius hooked up with felt? The girls she dated? Nakayama didn’t want to be grouped in with those girls. She wanted to be hers and hers alone.

Didn’t she just think about moving on? Did it matter? Clearly, Sirius wasn’t making it fucking easy on her. Goddesses, if this happened before the whole confession thing, Nakayama would have folded so quickly. Her and her big mouth.

She stared at the card in her hand.

This had to be a joke, right?

Sirius always made it a point that she didn’t tolerate Nakayama lying to her. So, clearly, she wasn’t lying about actually liking Nakayama. Except, she never accepted her confession. Her mind spun at every word leading up to this moment, trying to dissect whatever Sirius meant when she said she liked her. 

But every moment came loaded with all the painful longing she carried for months on end. It made her eyes sting even more. “Don’t fucking play with me Sirius. Not now—”

“I’m not.” It was such a short reply, but it made her heart beat faster all the same. “I care about you a lot, Nakayama. I do like you, every single part of you. And it makes me want to give you whatever you need to take care of yourself. So, no. Keep the card. I’m not taking it back until you don’t need it anymore.”

“I don’t want you to care about me.” Nakayama could feel her hand clench the card in her hand. She didn’t want to keep it. She knows that Sirius meant for her to use it for any and all of her needs. But Nakayama needed Sirius. She didn’t want the stupid fucking card.

She didn’t need a reminder that this past year may as well have been a transaction.

And she wasn't having it.

Nakayama needed to spit out her grievances.

“I’ve liked you for so long now, it’s not even funny. I told myself if I just ignored it for a few days, it’ll go away. That if I kept my mouth shut, I’d be saving myself the pain of being rejected— because really, what shot do I even have being yours? When I’m competing with Rudolf of all people. But more than a whole year later and somehow, I am more in love with you than I have ever been and a rejection would have been so much better than care. Like I’m supposed to believe this is all from the kindness of your heart.”

Nakayama sucked in a deep breath. Tears slipped out of her eyes. She didn’t bother to wipe them away. A part of her even hoped that Sirius would reach over to do it for her.

The gesture never came.

This was starting to get old.

“So, excuse me if I don’t want your charity. I just want a yes or a no.” She said, swiping the back of her hand across her face.

It took a while for Sirius to reply. And like she had been recently, her response just made her heart ache even more. “I’m sorry I can’t give you that.”

In all honesty, Nakayama didn't even know what to make of Sirius’ words anymore. They all confused her and led her to deader ends than if she were to spiral about that one time Sirius decided to be her first kiss— which she was still butthurt about by the way! Yet somehow, that made her feel more hollow than she'd ever been.

“Then what can you give other than fake pity?” Nakayama leaned back into her seat.

“It’s not—” Sirius took a moment to collect herself, clenching her fists and no doubt biting her tongue. Nakayama wished she had such impulse control. When Sirius spoke again, her voice was even.

“It’s not ‘fake’ pity. And it’s not just care.” The confirmation was silent. Pathetically, Nakayama lit up at those words. “But you’re right. You deserve someone who doesn’t prey on your sadness. That’s why we can’t just go back to normal.”

Just as quickly, her ears flopped down on her head.

“If we want this to work, I can’t be your friend. Not your closest one anyways.” By the time Sirius was done talking, her hands were trembling in complete disbelief.

So, Sirius did like her.

If this was— what?— last year, her heart would have been pounding so hard against her chest that her ribs would crack. Instead, all she could feel was her heart sinking to the very depths.

The card in her hand suddenly felt a thousand times heavier.

How long had Sirius liked her?

Why didn't she ever tell her?

Is that why she offered to kiss Nakayama?

At the pool hall, was she already in love with her?

Was she trying to buy her attention all along?

Her mind spun with questions it conjured faster than she had answers to. It was overwhelming to say the least. To be loved so much that her well-being placed first above everything else. But if feeling so hollowed out was the ‘best' thing for her, then maybe Nakayama didn't want to feel better.

Maybe she could decide that she was ready to be in a relationship, social etiquette and mental stability be damned. Maybe she wanted her ribs to crack. Maybe that was better than wallowing in self-pity.

Maybe Sirius was actually good for her. 

The goddesses know that she has been good to her.

If anything, Nakayama was the problem.

Just look at the state of her.

She took in a shaky breath. “Sirius, I was drunk. I don’t think you’re actually—”

“It doesn’t matter.” Unlike her, Sirius seemed clinically aware of the mess she undoubtedly looked like right now. “We have to do better. I have to do better. Trust me on this, okay?”

Nakayama shook her head. There wasn't any point in fighting the tears anymore as they kept dripping down her face. She didn't want this. She wanted Sirius. She needed her. This wasn't fair. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was never even supposed to confess—

“Hey…” Sirius has always been so warm. Nakayama couldn't help but lean closer when she took her hands in hers. It'd been too long since Sirius held her. She didn't know if she could go through any more weeks without her. “I will always look out for you, Nakayama. But this is just one of the ways I have to, even if the distance kills me. I just want to see you get better.”

She isn't.

Not like this.

“And you won’t find that in me.”

She felt like a mess. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity of it all. Her longtime crush likes her back but refuses to get into a relationship with her. It'd be such a good joke if it didn't hurt her so much.

“That’s not for you to decide.” The words left her mouth so quickly it almost hurt as much as Sirius leaving her. “Sirius, please. Who cares what other people think? I need you.”

Sirius closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “I can go with you to visit her. But that's it.”

“That's not what I meant.” Nakayama snapped. “C'mon! Cut the bullshit already and we can just—”

“No, we can’t.” Sirius cut her off gently, rubbing her thumbs on the back of her hands. “And I can’t help you while I feel this way about you.”

This couldn't be happening.

Nakayama pulled away from Sirius’ grasp and rubbed at her eyes. “I don’t need help, Sirius. I’m grown. I can make my own decisions so help me understand yours.” She got up from her chair. Their dorm suddenly felt worlds smaller. “If you do like me then why can’t we just—”

“You deserve better.”

No, she didn't.

She wiped the remainder of tears on her face and shoved the card in her jacket pocket.

With whatever resentment she had in her body, she used to shoot Sirius one last look before she turned her heel and spat out—

“Fuck you.”

She bolted out the door.

———————

She was most definitely not happy looking down at Nakayama from heaven.

Coming off the high of her first G1 win, Nakayama decided the best way to blow off steam was to come out to the balcony where Dream Journey chose to smoke. She never understood the whole celebratory beer anyways. And wine was off the table considering Sirius wasn't here.

She finally got the damn thing to light up. Journey really liked old, clunky lighters which were somehow the least dangerous of her collections. Nakayama didn’t question it, she never did when it came to Journey. Who was she to ask anyways when she only came up here to ask for a smoke?

Besides, Journey didn’t ask either when she handed her the cigarette box and lighter.

“Thanks for this, by the way.” Nakayama said, waving away the smoke from her first puff. Honestly, she didn’t mind the strong hit of nicotine. If anything, she wanted more. Maybe she should consider vaping. Journey gave a small hum before finishing up her first stick— she smoked a lot before travelling, Nakayama learned. “How do you even find this stuff? It’s so good.”

“What’s going on with you?” Journey’s question wasn’t too unfounded. Nakayama hadn’t talked to anyone about the fight, let alone the funeral. Even Golshi stopped dragging her around for pranks once she heard about the news. People have tried to reach out, she knows this well. Her inbox has been flooded with well wishes and condolences and invitations that she had no problem ignoring.

Dream Journey was the obvious first choice to reply to though. Not that she was scared of the smaller uma, far from it actually. Amongst their friends, it was much easier to have somewhat serious conversations with Journey that didn’t completely derail a few words in.

And also, she kinda owed it to Journey for constantly dumping her girl problems on her.

Call it a life update or showing some signs of life.

But Nakayama called it what it was: reporting back to the council.

“What gave it away?” Nakayama was genuinely curious. Journey hadn’t asked ever since they started hanging out regularly again. But she knew that she knew something was wrong. This was Journey, for fuck’s sake. She probably knew everyone’s social security number.

“You don’t even like the smell of a grill sticking to your clothes, let alone cigarette smoke.” The observation made Nakayama scratch the back of her head. She was starting to think this was a dumb decision. “What do you need a hit for? Don’t you have Sirius to gamble with?” She flinched. “Ah.”

Nakayama took a long drag of her cigarette. 

Sirius followed through with her words and only ever spoke to her when they visited the cemetery. Even then it was always to check up on her or small banter on how to set up the flowers by the headstone. Outside of that, dead silence. They both just started going about their days back in their old friend groups.

It felt weird.

Their routine broken up and sinking back into mundanity that neither of them were known for.

Nakayama wondered if it’ll be like this forever. Whatever that means. She didn’t have much planned after graduating anyways.

“We’re… taking a break.” She finally forced out.

“You were never a couple.” Journey held out her hand.

Nakayama clicked her tongue and handed her the lighter. “Don’t rub it in.”

The lighter sparked instantaneously when Journey brought it to the end of her new cigarette. After taking a deep puff, she spoke, “I’m just trying to understand.”

“I don’t understand it either, okay?!” Journey turned to Nakayama quizzically. She almost found it hilarious how she managed to take the smaller uma off-guard, much more so than her miraculous win from earlier. Then again, Nakayama almost never raised her voice in frustration. “I confessed at the worst possible time and she didn't want to talk to me because it’s ‘bad for us to be together’ like we aren’t known for making stupid decisions!”

Journey scoffed. She’d gotten used to Nakayama’s dramatics by now. Surely, this was one of her overblown issues with the girl she’d been crushing on for a little over a year or two now, right? 

Right?

“Did you confess the wake?” Nakayama froze at the question, slowly lifting the cigarette to her lips again. To the untrained eye, they’d say that Journey didn’t ever get pissed. But Nakayama swears she saw something flash in her eyes. She didn’t look though, at the risk of seeing the gates of hell. “Please tell me I’m wrong.”

“Well, technically, I confessed after the funeral… like a few hours after the body was buried.” Nakayama didn’t wait for a response, holding up her arm to get some distance between her and Journey. “Don’t kill me.”

Yet the response never came.

She turned to Journey, a litany of emotions running through her face. To this day, she had no idea the things that ran through Journey’s mind but she sure as hell knew she wasn’t happy. The space between her brows creased as she let the cig in her hand slowly burn. It would take a few more moments for her to shake her head in what Nakayama assumed was defeat.

“I can’t believe you’re making me side with Sirius on this one.” Journey swatted her arm away and plucked the cigarette from Nakayama’s fingers.

“Hey! That’s mine!” She watched as Journey stomped off the near burned out stick.

She almost laughed at the pointless gesture. Instead, she glared at Journey. Not that changed anything, she looked unfazed as she pocketed the cigarette box and lighter. Again, this was one of those times that she should have kept her mouth shut.

What’s up with all these changes recently?

Journey has always been her number one enabler— until it directly contradicted what Orfe wanted— which was why she ended up running to her in the first place. If they ever argued, Nakayama would just pull out her cards and they’d settle it in a game of poker that Journey always won. Again, when was Journey ever wrong?

And the fact that she was siding with Sirius reaffirmed to Nakayama that she was in the wrong.

Nakayama did not like that thought.

Journey took one last drag of her new cigarette— holy shit, she could breathe in that much?— before stomping that one out too. Her expression was tighter now, it sent shivers down Nakayama’s spine knowing she was about to be scolded by Journey for once. She did not like being on the receiving end of this. “You want her to talk to you? Listen to her. Take a hike. Go on sabbatical. Anything other than slowly kill yourself agonizing that she’s not talking to you.”

“Easier said than done.” Nakayama averted her gaze, turning back to the city lights beneath them. “I just don’t get it, okay? I like her, she likes me. Screw everyone else who thinks it’s fucked up to date someone right after someone dies. It’s probably happened a hundred times somewhere in the world today.”

“It’s not just any one who died, Nakayama. She was practically your mother.” As if she needed that reminder from Journey, who posted about her family without fail everyday.

Lucky.

“Yeah, and she wanted us to be together more than anyone!” Nakayama leaned on the railing, wondering just how far she could get before she’d actually lose her balance and fall. “I just don’t know why she’s doing this.”

“She loves you, that’s why.”

Sure she did.

Because if Nakayama loved something, she’d keep it as far away as possible too.

That’s definitely what she did for Teach, right?

“If this is love, it fucking sucks.” Nakayama spat. “She can’t even look at me.”

“Oh, please. She’s always loved you long before she even realized it.” She finally turned back to Journey, raising a brow. “I’m serious.”

“No, you’re Journey.” Bad joke, she knows. Journey’s glare said it all. “I’m sorry.”

“She’s always taken care of you.” Thankfully, she let the joke slide and proceeded to lecture her. Nakayama would rather jump off than hear all the glaringly obvious signs she missed. “She spoils you as though you were always hers. She always checks up on you when you’re navigating through back alleys. And most of all, she understands you more than anyone.”

Nakayama let out a dry laugh. “Yeah, well, it sure doesn’t feel like it right now.”

“Do you really think she cares just for show?” Journey didn’t mean much when she asked that, Nakayama knew. But she still tensed almost immediately.

“No? I— Why does everyone think she’s doing this elaborate scheme just to get with me?” The air between them suddenly felt like it was burning under Journey’s gaze. Nakayama wished she had another cigarette to smoke. Or a beer at this point.

“What else did you say to her?” Journey said in a tone that she reserved for people she deemed as pests.

“I didn’t… I never meant it.” The words fell out of her mouth like vomit at this point. But even she knew there wasn’t any apology to take back that night. None that she knew about anyways. “I know I don’t but I was so drunk and pissed that she wasn’t just flat out rejecting me that I…”

She didn’t need to continue. Journey seemed to understand as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Completely valid reaction, by the way. Nakayama yelled at herself in her brain and every time she looked at a mirror, less for the things she’s done and more so for even existing.

Even then, she still hated that this is how Sirius left the state of their relationship. If she could even call it that. Can she even count this as a situationship? Like hell she knows. Sirius would know. Goddesses, what was she even thinking about?

“I don’t get it.” She breathed out.

“Are you kidding me?” Journey snapped, well, as sharply as someone like her would. “She’s protecting you.”

“No, she isn’t.” Nakayama argued.

Journey finally raised her hands in defeat as she leaned back on the railing. “I don’t know what else to say.”

“Agree with me or something!” That was the whole point of reaching out to Journey in the first place. She was supposed to be on her side for this one. It’s not like she ever liked Sirius to begin with! She hated Sirius’ guts every time Nakayama spoke about her completely one-sided crush. 

All the same, she knew exactly why Journey was siding with Sirius.

“Why should I? You’re clearly not in the position to make decisions for yourself!”

Nakayama made a strangled noise.

It wasn't fair.

She's known herself to make decisions against her better judgement. That isn't to say she was a danger to herself. It's not like she couldn't discern a life or death situation if it faced her point blank. Not to mention she could always just escape scot-free. 

Yeah, maybe she didn't need Sirius for this. She could take care of herself. She always has.

But goddesses being cared for by Sirius just felt so good.

“Why does everyone think that? I’m fine!” Nakayama exasperated.

“You’re out here smoking because you’re more sad about your crush rejecting you instead of celebrating your first G1 win. And she hasn’t even rejected you, Nakayama. She’s giving you space which she broke momentarily just to give you flowers for this win. What more should I spell out for you?” Journey snapped back.

Nakayama flushed red. 

It was pathetic that she almost cried when Sirius handed her that small bouquet. It was even more embarrassing that it took her a while to realize why she bothered to begin with. The last week she spent with her teacher was minutes away from Hanshin racecourse, watching the opera for the first and last time together.

At that point, that was the longest she spent away from Sirius. It didn’t matter. Not as much as it should anyways. Because her attention was on making sure her teacher was happy and comfortable until the bitter end.

Maybe that was why it didn’t bother her as much as it should have.

But even she knew that was a lie.

“You haven’t even grieved—”

“Don’t start that conversation.”

She didn’t want to hear it.

No one grieved her teacher as much as she did.

Nakayama loved her down to the fucking wire that waiting everyday for her last breath made it impossible to breathe. And when she finally passed on, Nakayama didn’t think she’d have another reason to keep breathing. How could she? All her life, her teacher gave her every opportunity to live past surviving. To seek out thrills her heart could only dream of. What then? What now?

They said grief was a void that people learned to build around. But up until that point, all Nakayama had done was build her life on that grief. Where was she supposed to put the rest?

The answer came that day on the turf.

Nakayama didn’t believe in fate.

But she believed in the miracle her teacher gave her.

Frankly, there was no universe where Nakayama wouldn’t run for her teacher. Win or lose, she’d always chase the memory she left behind even if the odds were never in her favor. And if Sirius decided that was worth celebrating, who was she to say otherwise? The distance stung, but the flowers made her heart soar higher than winning.

That was, for sure, why she wanted more from Sirius.

Nakayama wanted another smoke.

“I’m sorry.” Journey said, breaking the silence. “I’m glad you came to me about this. Even if it is several months too late. This is a good first step.”

Nakayama raised a brow. “Is it?”

“It’s a start.” Journey smiled at her, but even Nakayama knew something was up. “That’s always the hardest part.”

“I expected you to be angrier.”

It took a while for Journey to respond. “...Maybe I am.”

“Don’t kill her.” Nakayama chided.

“Did she make you cry?” She did not have an answer for that one. “You could have lied if you wanted to actually protect her.”

“I’m still butthurt about the arrangement, okay?! She would have been my first girlfriend!” Journey’s eye twitch didn’t escape her. Goddesses, why was she friends with these people again? “Don’t kill her!”

———————

She was for sure going to get into trouble this time.

For one, Nakayama was getting exactly what she deserved: a buttload of anxiety and copium. All the while she— unfortunately— had to sit next to a completely new person, which was right up there with actually listening to Sirius’ advice. Curse her stupid trainer and Tracen regulations, she did not consent to being friendly to other umas. They needed to mind their own business.

To their defense, Victoire Pisa seemed like a nice person. Too nice for Nakayama’s liking but nice all the same. Inoffensive, really. If anything, everyone was gunning for her to win the Arc.

The same could not be said about Nakayama Festa. To Japan, she was a liability more than a contender. The only reason for her being allowed to race in the first place was likely to raise their chances of winning, no matter how small the margin.

Jokes on them, she was flying to France on their dime.

“You’ve been chewing on your nails for a while now. Is this your first time flying?” She snapped out of her thoughts. Beside her, Pisa was staring at her looking all concerned and worried.

Nakayama has been getting those looks more and more these days. But never for the reason she dreaded. It was never a secret that she wanted to run in the Arc. And while people held out hope for her at first, her abysmal track record didn’t exactly spark hope in her home country. So, when the day came that the racers for this year’s Arc was announced, everyone just sort of assumed that she would need pity more than well-wishes.

She didn’t care though.

She liked being underestimated.

But Pisa looked at her with such earnestness, it was hard to actually hate her for what is essentially the reason why Nakayama wasn’t talking to her roommate.

“Well… yeah. But more importantly…” She looked around her seat for some tissue papers or a handkerchief to wipe her hand. When did she even start biting her nails? Goddesses, can this silent period end already? “Can you, uh, keep a secret?”

“Pardon?” Pisa looked confused.

Valid. At this point Nakayama had completely forgotten many things like drinking water, getting a full night’s sleep, and what it feels like to have Sirius breathe on her nape while they slept. You know, completely normal things essential for survival.

“Like, okay. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like a goody two shoes. Will you rat me out if I tell you I did something borderline stupid?” She wasn’t sure what exactly Pisa would say. This was essentially their introduction to each other and Nakayama already looked like a delinquent who frequented the disciplinary office, now she sounded like an actual criminal.

Thankfully, Pisa wasn’t trying to be nice. She just is. “Depends, I suppose, on the intention?”

Nakayama took that as a sign from the universe.

“Okay, so, I’m fulfilling my mom’s last wish by bringing our favourite flowers to France.” She said it in a single breath that made Pisa falter.

“O-oh… I’m sorry for your loss.” Nakayama has heard that phrase far too many times for it to mean something anymore.

“Don’t sweat it.” She waved. It was progress, considering she used to stare off into the distance when she heard those words. In any case, she just wanted to keep her anxiety in bay. “Anyways, I didn’t know bringing large volumes of water was dangerous during flights and I kept it in my bag with the flowers I brought. So, like… will it explode? It would kill my plants if it did. And also, on that note, will they survive a flight as long as this one?”

Bless her soul, but Pisa looked like she was about to have an aneurysm from Nakayama’s words. Well, she did warn her that this was going to be incredibly stupid. Those were the consequences to someone who wanted to be nice to a total stranger for absolutely no reason other than to be nice.

Nakayama felt like she was missing something important.

“You brought a bouquet in your carry-on?” Pisa asked, after several minutes of processing what she just heard. Funniest shit she’s seen in a while that’s for sure.

Nakayama wrinkled her nose. “What? No. I put it in the luggage meant for souvenirs. Actually, isn't it hotter in the compartment of the plane? Maybe it exploding wouldn’t be so bad.”

Pisa shook her head, her face still scrunched up. “How much water did you bring?”

“Like, half a spray bottle’s worth.” She shrugged.

“You should be fine,” came the verdict. Pisa leaned back on her seat as she tried to release the tension from her shoulders. “And if your bag is properly sealed, hopefully they’ll just need a bit of water.”

“Thank fuck.” Nakayama followed suit and sank into her seat. “Sorry for the rambling. I just… it’s my first time doing this whole thing without Sirius.”

“Oh? Uhm… What thing?” The sudden change in tone didn’t escape her but she didn’t acknowledge it either.

“The grieving.” Nakayama said.

If there was anything this past few months have drilled into her, it’s that Nakayama had gotten so used to Sirius spoiling her. She’s gotten used to her presence. Her scent. Her everything that she simply couldn’t just live with nothing. 

Their foolish arrangement of only ever speaking once a month couldn’t even last for long. During the summer, they found themselves playing festival games for old times sake. They were talking again. Like, actual conversations beyond just buying flowers and restocking the dorm. They weren’t back to sleeping in the same bed level of closeness, but it gave Nakayama reason to believe Sirius wasn’t upset with her anymore. Hell, she even packed her luggage with a bunch of her favorite candies.

But the distance made itself known again when Sirius refused to come to France with her.

“Visiting my mom’s grave or just bringing flowers to her in general. We have this thing where she buys everything I need to make a bouquet.” Nakayama wasn’t sure why she kept talking. At least, not until recently. “It’s weird that she hasn’t been around...”

“I can imagine.” Pisa shifted in her seat, turning to Nakayama more comfortably. “So, tell me how does Sirius fit into all this?”

She gave her a look. “What are you up to?”

Pisa leaned back as far as she could in a cramped, economy plus seat. She’d been caught red-handed. “Wh— What do you mean?”

“Why are you interested in us all of a sudden?” Nakayama didn’t miss the way she flinched either. She didn’t shrug that one off. Something was afoot and she needed to know just how Sirius was wrapped up in it. “Don’t lie. I’ve gambled against better liars with worse odds and won. Tell me.”

Pisa took a deep breath.

“There’s a betting pool.”

“What?”

Pisa’s cheeks were pink with shame as she confessed. “Rulership joined a betting pool on who Sirius Symboli would end up with. She kinda dragged the rest of our friend group into betting. And I really didn’t want to join but she was so sad about it for days so I humored her. I’m not proud of it but—”

“Who did you bet on?”

“Huh?”

Nakayama’s stomach was turning from the idea of Sirius ever being with someone else. It wasn’t something she was comfortable admitting— if the drunken confession was anything to go by—  but she very terribly wanted Sirius to love her in all the ways she did. But the last thing she wanted to do was break the facsimile of peace they’ve built.

But she needed to know. Some sick part of her needed to know who everyone was hoping Sirius would end up with. She needed a list of the names of the contenders even if she knew it would just bring her to tears every time she read it over. And she would. Pathetically, she’d find every single common denominator until it hammered home that Nakayama would never be enough.

Maybe then, it’d get her to move on faster than waiting for Sirius to reject her.

“Who did you bet on?” Nakayama’s voice dropped, no longer laced with nervousness. Just the despondent tone of someone who didn’t know anything else but hurt. “I’m assuming Rudolf has the most bets.”

“I…” Even Pisa noticed the change in her tone. “Well, to answer your question, I placed my bet on you.”

Her ears twitched. “Excuse me?”

“It’s hardly a competition, honestly.” Pisa said, her smile less than reassuring. “Everyone started shifting their bets to you maybe during the summer when there were rumours about Sirius watching your win at the Takarazuka Kinen. She even bought you a bouquet and all that.”

“Oh… that…” Nakayama could still hear Journey’s words in her ear. She didn’t know how to feel about being so blatantly wrong. Yet she couldn’t stop from fluttering when she remembered the flowers again. Goddesses, she was pathetic. “Yeah, I’d rescind all bets on me if you want to win.”

Pisa tilted her head. “What?”

“We had a fight. I don’t know how to recover from it.” She fiddled with her chewed up nails, tugging at hang nails as she pondered how much force it would take for it to start bleeding. “I don’t know how to recover… at all really.”

If she was completely honest, she didn’t have plans for anything after the Arc. As much as her teacher believed in her, she didn’t have any grand plans for her career that she wasn’t already accomplishing. Unlike her peers who genuinely loved racing or wanted to win or longed for the screams of the crowds, Nakayama was clinically aware that her reason for running was as fleeting as the flowers she loved to grow.

To some degree, maybe even her teacher knew it was a temporary fix. There wasn’t a cure to her melanconia, not that she knew of. If there was, then maybe the thrill would have been enough. Tried as she might, it gripped her chest hard and fed the void more and more until it was suffocating not to find a quick fix. A foolish bet there, a run-in with the small gangs on her street, or feeling Sirius’ lips on her skin.

She was running out of fixes to keep surviving. The furthest she anticipated was what to wear for the funeral, and that came too soon. And that’s not beginning to open the can of worms that is her relationship with Sirius.

Or lack thereof.

“I’m starting to think I will never be fixed.” Nakayama let out a wry laugh. “Sorry for dumping that on you.”

She’d been apologizing more often. Not that it mattered. The person she desperately wanted to apologize to wouldn’t talk to her the way they would a year ago when they were drinking after a long night of pool. She wouldn’t hold her while they slept even if their beds were meters apart. She couldn’t even look at her, especially not with the same warmth that she grew into.

Why was she so fucking stupid?

“I didn’t bet on you to win.” Nakayama felt her eyes widen. She slowly lifted her head to stare at Pisa, smiling warmly at her like she hadn’t just spewed the cheesiest, most pathetic drivel in her life. It made whatever pain plaguing her chest that very moment unfurl by the slightest bit.

“Then why did you…” Her voice died out, unable to continue unless she shed a tear.

“You looked like you could have used a bit more hope.” Pisa said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. She was starting to think that she wasn’t as good at hiding her feelings from Sirius as she’d liked. She didn’t want to dwell on what that could possibly mean. Either way, her eyes welled up all the same. “I’m starting to see that you actually needed it.”

Nakayama laughed, carrying some of the pain with it. If she pretended hard enough, she could believe it was actually healing her. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. She didn’t mind a gamble with low stakes for the time being.

Hope was such an odd fix.

“Goddesses, you are a goody-two shoes.” She said. 

Pisa giggled. She radiated such genuine happiness and concern it was hard not to laugh with her. Nakayama wondered what it was like to feel so light all the time. It wouldn’t change anything, but it was something to think about other than feeling shit 99% of the time.

“I pray you both make up sooner rather than later.” Pisa said.

“I hope so too.” Nakayama sighed, giving her a small grin. “And I’m wishing you the best at the Arc.”

“Me too. Although…” Oh, Nakayama knew that look. It sparked something in the void of her chest and made her all the more confident in her standing for the Arc. “It’d be nice to win.”

After all, she was sent to raise their margin of success, right?

“It sure would.”

———————

All things considered, she didn’t particularly hate Symboli Rudolf.

She knows she’s jealous of her. Who wouldn’t? Little Miss Perfect had life pretty much set for her from the perfect career to the perfect student to the perfect goddamn everything. It was no wonder she even dated Sirius. It just made perfect sense.

Except, past tense: dated. That bridge burned a long time ago and Nakayama had the vaguest clue as to why. All that seemed to reassure her was that the Student Council President wasn’t actually all she chalked up to be. It would have been fine if it ended at that. But even if Rudolf wasn’t the perfect Emperor, how could she even compete with Sirius’ first love?

It was a tug-of-war in her mind that would only cease had she only spoken to Sirius about it. But a part of her was thinking they were never getting there. Maybe it was for the better. She could move on and let Sirius go.

“Welp, congrats Prez.” Nakayama tipped over her king. “That’s what? Three games in your favor?”

“Four.” Rudolf said, an unreadable expression on her face. She’d be so good at poker if she wasn’t such a stickler for the rules.

“Nice.” This was usually how chess matches with Rudolf went down. Nakayama would never actually win, but she always gave the Prez a good run for her money. Today was just breezing through more matches than usual. “Wanna make that five in a row?”

“If you’re up to par.” Rudolf watched as Nakayama set up the board.

She scoffed. Right, Sirius always complained that Rudolf had an ego. She hid it well now that she settled into her role of president, but apparently she was way worse during her career. Honestly, Nakayama wouldn’t have minded it. The seven crowns backed up any claims she made. Secretly, she just thought Sirius was a massive hater.

Either way, Sirius stayed with Rudolf despite her ego. At least, until it probably hit a boiling point and she simply couldn’t take it anymore. Or something along those lines. Nakayama didn’t actually know why they broke up. Sirius wouldn’t talk about it and she never pried. It really shouldn’t matter anyways. Nakayama was just being unreasonably jealous over someone who blew their chance years ago.

Whatever. Maybe she was just a hater too.

“Please, this isn’t my longest losing streak.” Nakayama rolled her eyes, placing the pieces more aggressively than normal.

“And yet, you’re playing… differently.” She stole a glance at Rudolf, who had her arms crossed as she stared at the board. Except she wasn’t analyzing Nakayama’s previous plays as per usual. It was like she was searching for the next words to say on the board.

“Ouch. Don’t get cocky just cause you’re winning.” Nakayama didn’t seem to care as she kept arranging the board.

She wasn’t even sure why she still kept meeting up with Rudolf.

If the goal was to fix her relationship with Sirius, playing chess with her ex semi-regularly didn’t seem like the smartest decision. In fact, just this morning, Sirius didn’t look too happy when she said she was headed to Rudolf’s office. It probably would have been fine if she was just in trouble, but Sirius knew that this was part of her routine. Still, she didn’t stop Nakayama from leaving their dorm.

A part of Nakayama hoped she would. Because at the end of the day, maybe Nakayama wanted Sirius to get jealous. It’d be really funny if she did, if it wasn’t an obvious cry for help.

She only stopped fiddling with the board when Rudolf held her hand as she picked up the white rook. “You’ve been careless.”

Nakayama narrowed her eyes. “What did I just say?”

She ripped her hand away from her grip, dropping the rook in the process. Again, she didn’t hate Rudolf. But it was hard to like your crush’s ex. It reminded her that aside from already being perfect, Nakayama was clearly doing something wrong in so many ways.

And really, when has she done anything right?

Rudolf took a deep breath. She continued arranging the board for her, a silent apology that Nakayama couldn’t take seriously. What did she even have to apologize for? “I suppose I should just accept the win.” The silence lasted for seconds. “Albeit, I must confess something before we continue.”

The void in her chest made itself known again. Gnawing at her rational thoughts like it always did as her mind spun every possible combination of words that would kill her the most. So much for making Sirius jealous. Who is getting played now?

“Uhuh?” She tried to keep her voice as even as she could. But she was starting to realize that this was a horrible position to be in if she didn’t want to feel like a heaping pile of shit.

“I have been jealous of you for quite some time now.”

Nakayama froze in her seat. “You’re kidding.”

But she wasn’t. She knew that look on Rudolf’s face— it’s one she wore on a daily basis when Sirius had her arms around another girl. It’s the one she made when Sirius came home early in the morning while she cried herself to sleep.

Yet somehow, knowing this did little to shrink the void.

“Holy shit, you’re not. What the hell?” She sneered. She didn’t mean to. But the bitterness came out in ways she didn’t know could make her feel so small. And she should feel guilt. Remorse for even thinking about Rudolf this way. Her only sin just happened to be dating the girl she could never move on from. But how could she when Sirius loved Rudolf first? “How? Me? You’re not mixing me up with anyone else?”

All the same, Rudolf gave her a light laugh. A signal that there wasn’t any ill will between them. At least, not anymore. Nakayama felt like a terrible person just for thinking this way. “Unless Sirius has another girlfriend I’m not aware of, no.”

Despite herself, her heart fluttered.

“What—”

“It’s childish, is it not?” Rudolf smiled at her. As if she could ease the horrible thoughts flooding her mind right now. But really, how could Sirius even help her right now? Would she even? Just thinking about it made her want to explode. And Rudolf had to keep talking. “But you get along with her so well it’s hard not to. She’s never been that happy when we were together. It took me quite a while to stomach the fact that she’s moved on. Even longer to accept that she’s happier with you. At least…”

Nakayama noticed Rudolf’s eyes widening before she realized her cheeks were wet.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset—”

“I’m fine.” She forced the words out, even if it brought out more tears that she didn’t know were still there. How could there be more? All she’s done this year was cry.

She cried for her teacher who loved her so much like a daughter it made Nakayama believe she was worth anything. She cried when Sirius laid the rules of this relationship before ever telling her that she loved her. Goddesses, she’s cried into her pillow for nights on end not sure which grief was consuming her that day.

The grief of knowing. Of waiting by every tick of the clock until it finally stopped. Of learning how to walk away once the familiar sounds could no longer continue. Because really, what else was she supposed to do? It would never tick again. She might as well get a move on with her life, right?

Or was it the grief that stomped all over any semblance of intimacy between her and Sirius? It felt like the death of every what-could-have-been. It destroyed all of her fantasies with the reality of love not being enough to start a relationship with Sirius. Or maybe she loved her too much to put her in the position she so brazenly accused her of. Either way, they burned up before they could even begin.

Either way, it only served to feed the void.

“We don’t have to keep playing anymore,” Rudolf offered, because she just had to be so fucking perfect that it felt wrong to hate her. But Nakayama couldn’t help but hate her right now.

She hated her.

She hated Sirius.

She hated herself.

“Why not?” She snapped. “No one ever means anything anymore so, it’s fine! Okay? You get that? I’m fine!”

Rudolf looked surprised. In all fairness, anyone would be. When has Nakayama ever raised her voice? When was she ever honest? When did she ever cry? Those were all sides of herself that she only ever let Sirius see. Yet somehow, throughout the year she’s humiliated herself in front of Journey, Victoire Pisa, and now, Sirius’ fucking ex-girlfriend. It would be funny if Nakayama didn’t want to disappear into nothingness right now.

Her chest was hurting so bad in ways she couldn’t even comprehend as the void kept growing and growing. It fought for space that she would never allow herself to take up. And distantly, she wondered what it would be like if she just let the feeling consume her. To let herself get so numb that it didn’t matter if Sirius ever got over herself and answered her properly.

Maybe she should.

If it got rid of the tears now staining the top of her uniform, why not? Nothing was worth this. Not love. Not care. Not anything.

But just the image of Sirius flashing behind her eyelids and suddenly she felt like it was worth it.

It had to be.

Right?

“Sirius did tell us that you two were working things out.” Rudolf said.

And suddenly it all clicked.

“Of course she did! Sure why not!” She laughed so loudly it made Rudolf flinch. “She can vent to you guys but she hardly even notices me when we’re meters apart every night!”

She was laughing hysterically for sure. But she hardly noticed. Not when she was crying so much it made her hands shake. How did people do this? Date around until someone stuck? Just falling for Sirius was painful enough, she didn’t want to start over. Not with Sirius, not with anyone else. It’s all or nothing at all.

And right now, she wished nothing at all was still an option. But how long have they been this close? How many months has she pined for Sirius even though she laid right across their room? How many days has it been since she went and fucked it all up between them?

Too long. Too many. Too much.

She loved her so much it was hard to breathe just thinking they couldn’t be together. And really, she shouldn’t think this way. They were making progress, right? They were talking again. They were just comfortable playing together again. It was slow, arduous progress but progress all the same.

But hearing Rudolf’s words just shattered any reassurance she gave herself. And believe her, she’s tried. She’s done it all. She tried opening up, asking for advice, and even right now, she’s trying so hard to get along with Rudolf. But everything just kept falling apart. Why? What the hell was she doing wrong?

Maybe she was wrong.

She had to be.

Her cries eventually died down. She wiped her face in her arm as she tried to maintain whatever dignity she had left before saying, “I give up. Why do I even bother? I am getting every sign from the universe to forget her.”

“That’s not what I meant—”

“But it is!” Nakayama pointed accusingly at Rudolf. “You’re more willing to be honest with me than she is! I don’t even know why you’re jealous of me because we never even kissed!”

The color left Rudolf’s face. “What?”

“You think you have something to be jealous of?” Nakayama scoffed, crossing her arms in a vain attempt to ignore how much she was shaking. “I’m willing to bet that she’s done more to you than she’s done to me. Did she buy everything you wanted? Take you on dates at fancy restaurants you don’t have the clothes for? Has she ever made you feel so good about yourself that you forget that you’re a stupid piece of shit who can’t even grieve properly?”

She finally ran out of tears, it would seem. Instead, venom dripped out of every single word out of her mouth. All the pain, all the jealousy, all the bitterness that fed the void, she yelled unfairly at Rudolf. And really, who else could she scream at? Herself? She’s done that a thousand times over. She was running out of ethical options.

But screw ethics. That’s what got her in this situation in the first place.

She drew in a deep breath.

“She’s done all that but she’s never confessed to me.” She admitted, as pathetic as it made her seem. It’s fine. Maybe she deserved it. “In fact, you beat her to the punch. And it’s not even an actual confession.” She shook her head. “Now I’m crying like an idiot in your office over your ex because she…”

Sirius was never hers to begin with.

The horrible feeling in her chest wouldn’t leave. No matter how much she tried to reassure herself that Sirius loved her and all of this was for her, it couldn’t alleviate the grip the void she had in her chest. She was getting tired of it. Tired of all the fixes that couldn’t fix it. Tired of hoping something would finally stick and she could start building around it like she always has. Tired of feeling sick with jealousy every time she thought about Rudolf and all the girls that came before her.

She wonders what life would feel like if it was gone. She wouldn’t hope for it, no. She didn’t want to set herself up for failure again. But she could dream about feeling a thousand times lighter than she had been the past year. As much as she longed for any semblance of peace, she knew yelling at Rudolf wouldn’t give her that. Nor would Pisa, Journey, or Sirius. Maybe nothing would.

Except, she hadn’t tried one last thing.

The tension in her body slowly dissipated. Her crossed arms fell down to her lap, fiddling with her skirt as she contemplated her final option. Her nuclear option. She breathed out a laugh at the thought. Love really did a number on people.

The shift in her body language must have been concerning as it caused Rudolf to speak once more. “I know my words are hollow next to yours, and they’ve probably been echoed before,” she paused. It must have pained her to admit this too. “But she loves you. Believe me, she does. More than you can even fathom.”

“I know.” She tried to smile, but it couldn’t reach her eyes. “But I can’t take it anymore.”

“I understand.” Rudolf nodded.

“No, you don’t.” Goddesses, she really was an asshole. “Thank you for the games.”

She picked herself up from the couch and mentally prepared herself for her decision. Before she could shut the door to the office behind her, she could hear Rudolf call out to her one last time.

“Take care of yourself, Nakayama.”

If only she knew how to.

———————

Nakayama gently placed the cards back on the makeshift table. Full house.

“Fuck!” The man across from her threw his cards in frustration. He was most certainly not winning with a pair of sevens.

She rolled her eyes at his tantrum. She grabbed the money from the pool and stood up. This wasn’t anything new. Outbursts like this were common anywhere, but more so in the back alleys she used to frequent when she was bored. The small time gangs here were always itching for a pretty penny. It didn’t take too high of a bet to get them to cash in. It’s not exactly why she came back here, but she didn’t exactly know how to quit. Not without closure at the very least.

Vaguely, she can hear her teacher scolding her for going back. She’d say that it was a bad idea to involve herself with men like these and that she was throwing her life away. Growing up, she never had it in her to tell her that she didn’t have much to live for anyways, and she was fine with that. But her teacher loved her so much she would have burst into tears.

Grief is a funny thing once you get to know it.

She waved the money in her hand as she started walking away. “Good game.”

“Hey! I didn’t say I’m done!” She heard his chair topple over from the force of him getting up. She spared him a look over her shoulder, her brows furrowed as she clicked her tongue.

“Well, I am.” Her tone came out harsher than what she intended. If she thought about it, she’d been this way for a while. That was going to change soon. “If you want to play again, I’ll be back eventually.”

It was a bold-faced lie. She had no intentions of coming back. There wasn’t a reason anymore. Not even gambling with the gangs her teacher feared could fend off the hollow feeling in her chest. She didn’t care to keep trying past this point. She knows she shouldn’t be back here. She knows it was a dumb idea.

She didn’t particularly have anything against this guy. He was a sore loser but most of the guys here were. Just so happened, he was the first familiar face she came across when she was looking for a game. And as fate would have it, her teacher was right about one thing: the thrill of racing was way better than gambling on her safety. But she still needed a hit. She planned on retiring soon anyways. What’s one more win against a loser? Make that several wins, actually.

Call it nostalgia, call it suicide, Nakayama called it a goodbye.

“Hey! That wasn’t fair! You had those cards stashed up your sleeve or something!” The man yelled at her as she kept walking away. The gangs here didn’t change over the course of two years it seems. Not that she had to be seen around them anymore. She shoved the money in her wallet and sped up her pace. It was near curfew anyways.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” She pulled her hood over her head, as though it would help her drown out the man’s bellyaching. It wouldn’t. But hey, she’s trying. “Either way, I’m the one walking away with mo—”

It was telling that she didn’t even flinch.

She kept herself still when he grabbed her shoulder. She didn’t turn when pulled her back. And she held her breath when she felt something sharp against her back.

Nakayama clicked her tongue. She should have known her winning streak meant something was afoot. When was she ever just plain lucky? Geez, all this for a couple of yen. Begrudgingly, she held up her wallet and fished out the money. “C’mon, man. You just have it back if you want it so bad…”

Her eyes widened when he grabbed the whole thing. “Hey!”

Despite her better judgement, she looked over her shoulder to see the man emptying her wallet into the street. She could hear her coins hitting the concrete but beyond that, she couldn’t quite see the blade he held. Goddammit, did they get her with the wire trick again?

“Seriously?” She bemoaned, watching him pick up the remainder of her savings. “You think I’d actually swindle you out of spare change? Please, we’ve played many games before, when have I ever cheated?”

The first smart decision she made that night was snapping her mouth shut when he raised the knife to her face. Despite herself, her tail started flicking back and forth.

Great, she got this guy in a really bad mood.

“Just now after winning back-to-back.” He tossed her wallet aside. “Now, empty your pockets.”

Nakayama felt her face scrunch up on impulse. Seriously? Were they really going to do this now? Please, it’s not like he every actually used that knife other than to open a beer bottle. She reached into the pockets in her shorts, showing that they were empty. “I got nothing, man. I literally just wanted to play a few games—”

For fuck’s sake.

When she reached into her jacket pocket, she immediately knew what that slab of plastic was. 

Full disclosure, she still couldn’t use Sirius’ card in good conscience. It had been nearly a whole year since the fight but she refused to even touch the damn thing. At least, not until tonight where she was literally being mugged. She wondered if she would have felt less guilty for giving the card had she maxed it out.

Doesn’t matter. He wasn’t getting the card either way.

“What’s that?” The man tugged at her arm, but she didn’t budge. “Give me that.” She refused to move an inch. It was a good call, she thinks. His grip on the knife was slipping.

What wasn’t smart was slamming her body against him to try and get away. He didn’t let go of her arm, but the knife clattered on the street. That was one problem down. Her heart was ringing in her ears as she shook in barely veiled agitation.

Still, with his other hand empty, he grabbed her arm and tugged with all his might. How she kept a death grip on the card, she didn’t know. “Are you fucking insane? Do you realize what position you’re in?”

“I don’t care!” For a human, the man was definitely stronger than she expected. This was gonna bruise in the morning. She tried to pry his hands off, hitting his arms in failed attempts to get him to loosen his grip. “This isn’t mine!”

“Then give it to me!” He tried to pull the card from her grip. Nakayama didn’t care if the edges of the card bit into her skin. She refused to give Sirius another reason to mistrust her.

Through gritted teeth, she pushed against his torso for any form of leverage. “Let go of me!”

“Give me the card first!”

“Over my dead fucking body!”

“You—”

All at once, she felt him let go of her arm, she heard the sound of bones cracking, and she saw a blur of dark brown hair.

She caught herself from falling flat on her face. Adrenaline still hadn’t stopped running through her body despite her attempts to catch her breath. Her hands were shaking. Her ears were ringing. Her tail wouldn’t stop flicking. But somehow, she managed to lift her head just high enough to see Sirius absolutely bodying the man.

Knowing Sirius could fight was different from actually seeing her fight. It didn’t matter if the guy was taller than her. If anything, she used it to her advantage, landing blow after blow before he could even react. By the time she had him pinned against the wall, Nakayama could see that Sirius had already broken his jaw with her first punch whilst she remained unscathed. Minus the bloodied knuckles.

“What the fuc—” He didn’t get to speak as Sirius pushed him further up the wall.

“Touch her again and I’ll rip your fucking arms off.”

Nakayama heard herself gasp. She’d never seen Sirius this mad. Scratch that, she’s never seen such pure vitriol from her. Admittedly, Sirius has never gotten upset with her, despite everything. Conversely, Sirius never played around when it came to her well-being. But she knew she had a temper. It was notorious throughout the school. And while she wasn’t the target of her rage, her tone made her shiver all the same.

The man didn’t fare any better as he was unceremoniously dropped. He didn’t waste any time running away. Nakayama watched, heart still pounding in her chest and arms still shaking. As her breathing slowed, a frowned formed on her face when she realized he still ended up getting away with her money.

At least she still had the card.

Her thoughts were cut short when she felt Sirius cupping her chin. “Did he hurt you?”

She blinked. “What?”

Sirius was a far cry from the uma that just beat a grown ass gang member to a pulp. She was staring at Nakayama, scanning her face for any cut, any scratch she could have that she wasn’t able to prevent. She gulped. Her heart started speeding up again. When was the last time Sirius was this close? The thought shouldn’t even be her priority, yet here she was— just as weak in the knees for her roommate as she’s ever been. 

“Did he hit your head?” Sirius probed, tilting her head to the side to check for any concussions. “Where did he—”

“I’m fine.” Nakayama cut her off. “He didn’t do anything.”

“I know what I saw, Nakayama. So, cut the bullshit.” Sirius stepped back by the slightest to check the rest of her body for injury. She had to physically stop herself from sobbing when Sirius pulled away. “What was that? Where does it hurt?”

“He didn’t get to do anything. I promise.” Nakayama felt her jaw drop when Sirius lifted the hand she used to grip the card. It cut into her hand, blood dripping steadily as she held on. She wasn’t squeamish in the slightest, but staring at her hand suddenly made her brain register the stinging pain. Sirius took the card and opened her palm to inspect the damage. She sucked in a breath. “That’s not good.”

“You think?” Sirius waste any more time in digging through her pockets for a handkerchief to use as a makeshift bandage. Her blood stained it instantaneously but Sirius didn’t seem to care. She merely watched as she tried to stop the bleeding. “Okay… okay…”

“What are you even doing here?” Nakayama had gotten used to Sirius not bothering her at night with texts on where she was. But honestly, this has been the latest Nakayama has been out since the fight. She spent most of her evenings either getting extra training in or just rotting in bed with her failing mental health. It made sense why Sirius would be worried, but she was under no obligation to actually go look for her. 

“It’s curfew,” came the simple response. 

Nakayama nearly laughed. “I didn’t notice.”

“No shit.” Sirius finally finished up wrapping her hand. It stopped the bleeding, if only for the mean time before they go to the nearest emergency room. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem out of it.”

That time, she did actually laugh. Aside from getting mugged, Nakayama came to this place for closure. Somehow Sirius always found a way to disrupt her every time she made peace. First her teacher, then her confession, now this. Surely she was going to get tired soon, right?

“Gee. I wonder why.” Nakayama ripped her hand from Sirius, clutching it close to her chest. Pathetically, it was still beating like crazy.

“What?”

“You expect me to just be okay with you barging into my life again? Pretending to care?” She shoved past Sirius, heading towards the general direction of Tracen. “We’ve done this song and dance before. We both know how that ended.”

Sirius blocked her path, making her look up at the taller girl. “You were getting mugged. What was I supposed to do?”

“Leave me alone like you have already been doing!” Nakayama snapped.

“Are you fucking serious?!” Sirius took a step closer. She stood her ground, upset but losing her mind over the fact that Sirius just came looking for her. “I told you already that this is for you. Everything I do is in your best interest.”

“That’s not for you to fucking decide!” Her tail flicked like a rushed metronome. “I don’t need you to baby me all because you’re uncomfortable being around your feelings.”

Sirius let out a grave laugh. “Is that what you think this is?”

“What else could this be?!” She yelled, not caring if anyone else heard this. Let them. She needed to get all of this off her chest. “Do you realize how hard these past few months have been for me? I missed you so fucking much I was crying in front of Rudolf of all people!”

“You what?!” Sirius looked genuinely pissed at that revelation. Good. Not that it mattered. That whole conversation was one-sided at best.

She scoffed. “Don’t give me that look. You said to do something, right? Well, there’s your fucking something! I was an absolute goddamned mess and all that just made me wish you gave me a straight fucking answer!”

“Grow up, Nakayama!” Goddesses, she was messing all this up again, wasn’t she? “You haven’t been doing anything other than wallow in self-pity.”

“And whose fault is that?” She tilted her head. “You left me.”

“That is not what I did and you know it.” Nakayama rolled her eyes as she tried to walk past Sirius. But she held her by the shoulders. Dammit, if Sirius wasn’t so perfect she would just shrug her off. She looked up to see Sirius’ face scrunching up. “Or are you so comfortable in your own misery you can’t fathom the idea of someone actually caring about you? Of loving you? Because fine! If it helps you sleep at night, then I don’t want to be with you! I would rather you just move on and live out the rest of your miserable life!”

This was her fault. She made Sirius look at her like this. All this because she couldn’t just wait for an answer. Her and her restless heart. Now look at the state of her— of them. She should have just set her mind on this long ago instead of drinking and smoking and meandering until someone decided to reach out.

Goddesses, she really was stupid.

"If that's the case, why are you even here?” Nakayama asked, all the bitterness gone from her voice. She was tired. So tired of trying to prove a point just to hurt the person she loved the most. “How many times am I going to have to ask you this? If you don't want to be around me then leav—"

"Because you have invaded every single corner of my mind and cannot leave."

For once, her heart stilled, maybe for the first time since she’s ever spoken to Sirius.

"... What?"

Eyes wide and unblinking, she looked up at Sirius. There were tears in her eyes, but she wasn’t sure why. All she knew was Sirius was looking at her like simply breathing on her would make her image disappear. And she could not stand the thought of letting Nakayama slip away like that. Not again.

“You think I like this?” Sirius took another step closer. “Not talking to you? Ignoring you? Because the past year has been miserable for me too. You have not left my mind ever since last year before you…” she took in a sharp breath, “And I have no choice but to let it happen. Not because I pity you. Not because I want to feel better about myself. But because I need you. More than comfort. More than air. I need you. And I haven’t even touched you for a year.”

Sirius snaked her arm around the small of Nakayama’s back, pulling her so impossibly close her breath hitched.

“But if taking care of you, being here with you, keeping you alive means I can’t be next you because I can’t trust myself to be good for you, then I'll take it. If it takes all of me for even the smallest chance for you to live the life you deserve, then so be it.” She pressed her forehead against hers. “I can live easy even without holding you like this."

If she were honest, it didn’t matter what Sirius said, she would be crying like she was right now regardless.

It was so foolish of her to expect a yes or no from Sirius. To put her in that position in the first place. All those months agonizing on whether she cared enough to let her down easy wasn’t ever going to get a conclusion. All the same it was impossible to reconcile the fact that Sirius would ever put her first before everything.

She wished she had Sirius’ eyes to see all the bright places in her that the void couldn’t consume. Maybe then, she would understand why she was worth going through all this pain and effort. But until then, Nakayama could only feel the pain she couldn’t even cling to any longer. This arrangement— their relationship had to change if they wanted to be together.

They had to try.

Sirius held her face so gently as she brushed her thumb against her wet cheeks. “I’m sorry I left you.”

“It’s not your fault.” Nakayama shook her head, pressing her cheek into Sirius’ hands. She missed her warmth so much, she’d almost forgotten how much she needed it. She needed her.

“I could have been clearer.” She felt droplets fall on the top of her head as Sirius pressed desperate kisses everywhere she could reach. Nakayama melted instantly, almost convinced this wasn’t even real.  

“You really shouldn’t.” Still, she pulled away, staring at her feet. 

“Nakayama—”

“I’m getting therapy.”

It felt unreal to say.

Then again, nothing about this felt real.

Sirius confessing, Nakayama crying, and frankly, getting mugged felt like some cruel twist of fate. Somehow, it all led to this moment. Nakayama would like to think she was smiling down on her for this.

“I had more money saved up from France than I expected.” She admitted. “So, I used the rest to book a consultation… Which was separate from the money in my wallet that was stolen.”

Sirius blinked repeatedly, her ears twitching. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “I think I am.” 

Nakayama wasn’t sure that there was a pill on earth that could fix her. Maybe there would never be. But her teacher loved her so much, it was enough reason for her to start running. It was enough to get her to try and get into Tracen. It was enough to bring her to Sirius. It was enough because she made it enough. But beyond that, she drew blanks in how to quell the hollowness in her chest.

She hated to admit that she had been wrong about this.

So wrong. 

“The only reason I came back here was to play one last bet. You know, bad habits die hard and all that.” Nakayama looked around. This place would never change, she knows that. But she didn’t have a reason to endanger her life just to feel something. So, why would she ever come back? “Besides, if any bad habit should die first it should probably be the one that could get me stabbed in a back alley, right?”

Despite herself, Sirius chuckled. She nudged Nakayama’s shoulder. “That’s not funny.”

“It made you laugh though.” Nakayama smiled up at her. “And I really miss your laugh.”

“I missed you.” Her heart fluttered— no longer painful, but beating well enough to remind her that it was there.

“I missed you too.” Nakayama breathed out. “And you were right. No one was getting through to me, not even you.” She stared at her feet. “I thought I had to live like this. In constant pain, never knowing if I’ll have a life past retirement. But the last thing I want is to hurt you more than I already have.”

She watched as Sirius took her hands in hers, holding them tight. When Nakayama looked up, Sirius’ eyes were glossy, trying to keep her tears in as much as possible. As though she hadn’t already let a few slip earlier.

“So, I’ll try to be better for you too.” Nakayama promised, holding on to her hands even tighter. “You’re worth it.”

Sirius couldn’t help but laugh, a few tears escaping as she wrapped her arms around Nakayama. She didn’t dare waste a single second and hugged her as tight as she could, bleeding hand and all. Sirius whispered into her ear, “You’re going to be fine, okay?”

“Okay.” She dug her nails into her back and refused to let go. “Okay.”

“I’ll pay for the consultation,” Sirius said. She laughed at her offer. Nakayama knew she was going to do that anyways. “You have nothing to worry about. You’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”

Nakayama felt tears welling up in her eyes again.

Nodding, she said, “We will.”