Work Text:
Nerdalicious:
Hey Colt?
DangerMagnet:
sup??
Nerdalicious:
Remember that time you suggested doing a twin swap to see if anyone at my work would notice?
DangerMagnet:
yes??
i also distinctly remember the words "something worse than death itself would have to be the threat for me to ever allow you to pretend to be me in front of my students"
Nerdalicious:
Yeah
So about that...
DangerMagnet:
what the hell is going on ry?????
Nerdalicious:
I kind of found out what the thing worse than death would be
And you know what?
You're right
It would be an interesting experiment
We could see how long it takes anyone to notice, what gives you away, all sorts of things
Get tonnes of data so that next time you are even better at being me
Doesn't that sound fun?
DangerMagnet:
wtf is going on
r u ok????
what could possibly be bad enough that you want me involved?
Nerdalicious:
It's nothing
It would just be a fun little experiment
DangerMagnet:
Ryland.
Nerdalicious:
l hate when you use grammar in your messages it's scary
DangerMagnet:
Tell me what is going on Ryland.
Nerdalicious:
Ugh it's not that serious
DangerMagnet:
WHAT?
Nerdalicious:
They are making me teach sex ed
DangerMagnet:
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFT
OH THATS FUCKING HILARIOUS
THEY WANT YOU TO TEACH SEX ED?
OH THATS GOLD
THATS FUCKING GOLD
Nerdalicious:
Save me.
Please.
DangerMagnet:
THIS IS HILARIOUS HOLY SHIT
THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD OF
OH MY LORDDDD
Nerdalicious:
Colt!
I'm serious!
DangerMagnet:
THATS THE BEST PART
PAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
THEY WANT THE GUY WHO GOT SO DISGUSTED DURING SEX ED IN HIGHSCHOOL HE MADE HIMSELF THROW UP EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT HAD HEALTH CLASS
THAT GUY
THATS WHO THEY WANT TO TEACH SEX ED
Nerdalicious:
Yes. Yes, laugh it up
Help me Colt
I CANNOT teach my kids about that.
DangerMagnet:
what r u gonna do about it?
Nerdalicious:
Get you to pretend to be me
I'm serious
DangerMagnet:
Ry, that is the most stupid plan i have ever heard
and im a STUNT DOUBLE
stupid plans is my WHOLE JOB
Nerdalicious:
So is acting!
DangerMagnet:
yea fuck no.
Nerdalicious:
Why not!?
DangerMagnet:
because i dont know the first thing about kids!
rule number one as a stunt double: never work with kids or animals
Nerdalicious:
That's not an actual rule
DangerMagnet:
no, but it SHOULD be
Nerdalicious:
Colt I don't even know enough to TEACH THEM
DangerMagnet:
guess its time you learn
Nerdalicious:
NO!
I'm happy knowing that I simply don't need to know
DangerMagnet:
u do... like understand how it works right?
Nerdalicious:
Yes Colt.
I'm a molecular biologist
I teach science
I understand the biology
DangerMagnet:
so what... don't u know?
Nerdalicious:
Everything else!!!!
Mitosis is so substantially superior
DangerMagnet:
only u. only u.
Nerdalicious:
Colt PLEASE
I might actually throw up if I have to teach that stuff
DangerMagnet:
i mean u culd always simply not teach it and pretend u did?
Nerdalicious:
That is wrong on so many levels, not least the fact that it would get me fired
But also I know it's important and they need to learn this stuff if they aren't like me and I know I'm an outlier
I can't put my students at risk by not teaching them this stuff and leaving them to work it out on their own
DangerMagnet:
go the abstinence route?
Nerdalicious:
Oh, because that would have worked for you.
DangerMagnet:
dont say that like im some kind of slut!!
Nerdalicious:
We shared a dorm in uni and the library became my second home. It was not to study.
DangerMagnet:
im not teaching ur students sex ed
Nerdalicious:
What if we make a trade?
Is there something at your job that you don't want to do?
DangerMagnet:
no
because i LIKE my job
Nerdalicious:
I like my job! I just have been asked to do one thing I don't want to!
DangerMagnet:
have u told your boss ur not comfy with it?
Nerdalicious:
Oh, because that will go over so well
"I don't wanna teach sex ed"
"Why?"
"Because I skipped every single lesson in high-school and have every intention to die a virgin"
DangerMagnet:
ok well
just one pointer
maybe dont tell ur boss about ur plans relating to ur sex life
or lack of one as the case may be
Nerdalicious:
Woah, saying that is a bad idea? Who would have guessed?
That's my problem Colt, I need you to do it for me!
DangerMagnet:
i feel i have made it pretty damn clear im not doing that
why do they have u doing it anyway
dont they usually have a health teacher or smth for that??
Nerdalicious:
Yeah, but he's on leave and they need someone else to cover it and apparently as the science teacher I'm the next choice
"It's just reproduction" SHUT UP
It's just disturbing as all hell is what it is
DangerMagnet:
i know i shouldn't laugh at ur pain but ur not making it easy
Nerdalicious:
COLT.
DangerMagnet:
what?? u cant deny theres comedy there
Nerdalicious:
Oh, yay, the comedy in a sex repulsed asexual being forced to teach a bunch of children about sex
What did they even teach in those classes I skipped?
DangerMagnet:
they made us put condoms on bananas
Nerdalicious:
They WHAT?
DangerMagnet:
wait is this news to you?
Nerdalicious:
I remember you saying something about condoms after a day I had skipped and then I remember gagging and running from the room so...
DangerMagnet:
now see THAT,
THAT was peak comedy
Nerdalicious:
Heavy disagree
DangerMagnet:
fair enough
how many classes are u supposed to be teaching anyway?
Nerdalicious:
Most of the topics i can handle, like relationships as a whole, life skills, consent, even anatomy, that's all fine
But like sexuality and sexual health and generally what sex is?
Nope.
DangerMagnet:
And your school is presumably not super conservative "just teach abstinence until marriage" is it?
Nerdalicious:
No... no they want me to go into the nitty gritty
The principal mentioned something about oral and I hate hate hate thinking about that
I almost gagged in front of him
How people can possibly want to do that is beyond me
But they want me to be "open and honest with the kids so they will make safe choices"
DangerMagnet:
And there's no way you can get out of this?
Nerdalicious:
Not to my knowledge
DangerMagnet:
ffs
u r so damn lucky i love u
Nerdalicious:
Wait are you actually going to come!?
DangerMagnet:
im not about to force my little brother to explain that to kids when he can hardly handle thinking about it on his own time
bullshit that ur job wuld make u without finding out if ur comfortable with it
Nerdalicious:
We are twins, we are the same age
DangerMagnet:
four minutes is a long time!!
and im doing u a favour so u best believe u shouldnt be complaining at all
Nerdalicious:
Colt I would unironically, completely genuinely, actually kill for you right now
DangerMagnet:
dont offer that when im actively working with ryder, i may take u up just to get rid of the ass
Nerdalicious:
You know I have zero plans to ever go near him again, not even to murder him
DangerMagnet:
I still can't believe the fucker hit on you
Nerdalicious:
Nightmare fuel
But hey, that nightmare may now be replaced by nightmares of what would have happened if you didn't agree to save me
DangerMagnet:
im coming ry, dont even worry about it
Nerdalicious:
Thank you.
DangerMagnet:
of course
i will always take ur place if anyone ever makes u do something u dont want to. always.
you know that, right?
Nerdalicious:
I know.
And the same goes for you Colt
That's what twins are for, hey?