Archive of Our Own

Ryland smiled, looking out at the ocean. “It’s nice out here, isn’t it?”

The waves brushed against the golden sand as the wind ruffled their blond hair. The sun was low over the horizon, painting the sky orange and pink and purple as it slowly sank. Colt looked over, watching as his twin brother pulled his knitted cardigan closed over his chest. He looked down at the bottom, the little red foxes staring back at him, teeth bared. He never understood why he wore it so often. Ryland wasn’t a fighter, he wouldn’t so much as bare his teeth when threatened. That was Colt’s job. To protect.

He looked out onto the horizon, the sky now gray as a fog rested over them, blocking out the midday sun. Except, it had just been sunset. He looked back at his twin brother who was now wearing his yellow raincoat, his sandy blond hair sticking out at odd angles under a navy blue beanie. The fox cardigan was nowhere to be seen.

“Ryland?” He asked, and Ryland turned to him, brow furrowed.

“Everything all right?” Colt’s mouth opened but Ryland cut him off. “Been down in the south so long you forgot what fog looks like?”

“It was just-” he gestured out towards the horizon. “It was just clear. The sun was just setting, I-” his voice cut off as he lowered his head defeatedly. “I don’t understand.”

“Well, when the air near the surface cools-”

Colt shook his head. “I- I know how fog works, Ry, it’s just- Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be working? Somewhere classified?”

“Like Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan?” He asked as Colt looked up. The beanie was gone, leaving his hair normal. His coat had also disappeared, and was simply replaced with a t-shirt, leaving his arms exposed.

“Can you be telling me stuff like that?”

“I didn’t tell you anything. You think Stratt wouldn’t hear that I was spilling government secrets?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, sure Ry,” he scoffed, crossing his arms. “You totally didn’t just tell me-”

“I never told you I was in Kazakhstan,” Ryland interrupted, looking back at the horizon. Colt followed his gaze, sucking in a breath as he watched the sun rise, red spilling over the sea and into the sky.

“Then how-”

“I don’t know Colt. How did you find out I was in Kazakhstan?” He asked, staring at his twin brother.

Colt squeezed his eyes shut. “No. No. Don’t make me say it.”

“How did you find out I was in Kazakhstan?”

“No!” He yelled, jumping to his feet. “No! Stop it! Just- please- just stop it,” he whispered, burying his face in his hands. “Don’t make me say it. Don’t make me remember.”

Ryland sighed, standing up. He took a step forward, reaching out a hand as Colt flinched backwards like a nervous fox. “Colt,” he said softly, placing his hands on his shoulders as Colt shook his head, refusing to look up at him. “This isn’t real.”

“Stop it,” he whispered. “You’re not- you aren’t. It’s- No-”

“How did you find out I was in Kazakhstan?” Ryland repeated.

Colt shook his head, feeling tears begin to stream down his face. He sniffled, finally looking up at Ryland’s face, his vision blurry. “No.”

“Colt.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he muttered, wrenching himself out of Ryland’s grip. “I don’t want- I can’t- Ryland-” he begged, choking on a sob as he tried to force the last word out. Colt sank to the ground, pressing his head to the sand, trying to focus on the gentle crash of the waves and match it to his breathing.

Ryland slowly lowered himself to sit beside him, reaching out and placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Colt,” he said softly as Colt threaded his hands through his blond hair, shaking with another sob. “I think you do.”

He shook his head, burying his face into Ryland’s cardigan as his baby brother’s arms wrapped around him. “How did you find out I was in Kazakhstan?” He asked one more time as Colt sobbed.

“Don’t make me say it, Ry,” he whispered hoarsely. “I don’t want to say it. I just want-”

“To pretend it isn’t real?”

He nodded, wiping his hand under his nose.

“I know,” Ryland soothed, rubbing circles over his brother’s back. “But you can’t. You don’t want to. I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. So, Colt, how did you find out I was in Kazakhstan?”

He looked up one more time, watching as a tear pricked at the corner of one of his twin brother’s eyes. Ryland smiled, tugging the sleeve of his cardigan over his fingers and dabbing at the tears staining Colt’s cheeks. “It’s okay,” he said softly.

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

Colt closed his eyes, nearly melting into his brother’s arms. “I’m scared, Ryland,” he sniffled. “I’m scared that if- that if I- that’ll you’ll disappear. I’m scared I’ll lose you, Ry. I’m not- I’m not ready.”

“No one is ever ready, Colt. But you have nothing to be scared of.”

“But what if I lose you?” Colt pleaded, clutching Ryland’s shirt desperately.

Ryland stilled, and Colt buried his face in his hands as his twin brother slowly slipped away from his grasp. “You already have,” he whispered.

“No.”

“I’m gone, Colt. This isn’t real.”

“No!” He wailed, slamming his hands into the ground, taking handfuls of sand and feeling the grains slip between his fingertips as he sat, helpless to stop them from leaving. “You can’t be-” he whispered shakily. “I don’t want you to-”

“How did you find out I was in Kazakhstan?”

“Ryland,” he begged as Ryland took a step away from him. Colt sat up, drawing his knees close to his chest and resting his head on top of them. “I got off the plane,” he recounted. “Jody, Dan, and I went to get coffee and- and I looked up at the TV and they-” he looked up, barely able to make out Ryland’s silhouette in the mess of tears welling up in his eyes- “they said you died, Ryland.”

He nodded. “I did.”

“Why’d you have to die?”

“I don’t know.”

Colt rubbed at his eyes, looking up at his brother. Ryland had a small smile across his lips. His glasses weren’t even sitting properly, having slid halfway down his nose. His shoes, those white converse that he’d been wearing since high school, were untied, and Colt couldn’t help but laugh. He was in jeans, his hands shoved into his pockets. And his shirt had a cartoony drawing of a hill and a ball with the words “I Had Potential” written underneath. Colt had gotten him that shirt, deciding that he was going to make him the favorite teacher of every student at Grover Cleveland Middle School, complete with dorky shirts and terrible science puns. This was the best mix of both.

This was the oldest his brother was ever going to be.

“I’m not ready,” he gasped, feeling his heart start to pound against his ribs. “I’m not- I’m not ready to be an only child, Ry. I need- I need my brother. I can’t do this without you.”

Ryland slowly lowered himself down, wrapping Colt into a tight embrace. “I know,” he whispered as Colt’s tears began to soak into the fibers of the fox cardigan. “I know. It’s gonna be hard. But I know you can do it.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes. You can.”

Colt swallowed, glancing up at him. “How in God’s name do you have so much faith in me?”

“You had faith in me,” Ryland shrugged. “We put our faith in the people we love. You’re my brother, Colt. I love you more than anything.”

He jerked himself awake, reaching out for something that was no longer there. That hadn’t been there for a week, otherwise known as Colt’s new record for the longest he’d gone without a twin. He buried his face in his hands, swallowing back the bile burning his throat as he remembered that he had more time left to go.

An entire lifetime left to go.

Colt fell back, his head landing softly on the pillow as he stared blankly at the ceiling. He knew what he’d see if he tried closing his eyes again, and after that, he decided against it. But the memories came anyway.

Their grandparents had a beach house while they were growing up, a sort of sanctuary where they could go for weeks at a time during the Summer, and as such, they were allowed to decorate their shared bedroom however they wanted.

Ryland’s side of the room, specifically the ceiling, had been covered in small, glow-in-the-dark stars that he and their grandfather had spent a week meticulously arranging into his favorite constellations. Colt hadn’t understood the level of detail until a storm had rolled in one night, putting a damper on their plans to stargaze from the shoreline. He and Ryland had cobbled together their best attempt at a pillow fort, wrapped themselves in their matching patchwork quilts that had been a gift from an aunt they hardly saw, and Ryland hosted his first “indoor stargazing night.”

Even after Ryland had finally fallen asleep, glasses crooked on his face, Colt had stayed up, tracing the shapes with his eyes and committing them to memory so well that even as he stared up at a blank ceiling in an apartment in LA, he could still point each one out as his eyes burned with tears.

He shifted to his side, zoning out as he heard a click from the door, followed by Jean Claude’s low whine. The Australian Kelpie padded over towards him, nudging the hand that Colt left dangling, and then looked up at him, barking softly. He sighed, reaching out to give a few scratches behind the ear as he heard the scrape of an untouched dinner plate being taken off one of his nightstands.

“You’re not eating,” Jody said softly.

“Not hungry,” he responded gruffly.

Guilt twisted in his heart as he heard her heavy sigh as she set the plate down somewhere else, walking over to sit in front of his face and set a glass of water down. “At least drink something, Colt,” she murmured, brushing a few strands of his blond hair out of his face. She traced his tear-stained cheek with her thumb. “Please?”

He didn’t make eye contact with her, instead opting to continue staring at a speck of dust on the floorboard. Colt wasn’t even sure he’d heard her correctly, considering his head felt like it was underwater. And while normally, he would have leaned into her gentle touch, he barely registered it, feeling more like a statue that people tap for good luck as opposed to an actual human experiencing physical contact.

Jody tilted her head to the side, slowly looking over his face. Much of it was still covered in steri-strips after everything he’d just gone through. The trial run of the worst day of his life, as Dan was referring to it. His blue eyes were red-rimmed and nearly bruised purple with how bloodshot they’d become over the past few days. Jean-Claude whined again, butting his head against Colt as his hand stilled.

“He sleeps outside your door,” she explained softly, offering some of her own scratches to the loyal canine. “He looks like he’s trying to protect you. Paws at the door when he hears you moving around, too. I think-”

“He needs to be let out. Dogs like him need enrichment,” he shifted, rolling onto his other side, facing away from Jody. “I’m not providing it. I don’t know why he hasn’t torn this place up yet.”

Jody reached out, only for him to shy away from her touch. “I think,” she suggested, “he wants you to let him in.”

Colt sighed. “Wouldn’t change anything. Probably would make his life worse, honestly. Kelpies are herding dogs. They’re bred to notice small changes and react accordingly. I’d rather not drag a dog, or anyone else, down with me into-” he raised his hand, waving to himself, before dropping it to his side- “this. Not a good environment.”

“You know a lot about them.”

“We bonded. Besides,” he let out a shaky breath, “I had dogs growing up.”

She looked up, gaze softening. “I don’t think you ever told me about that.”

“Not a big deal. I uh, I had to give them up for adoption after my parents died. I didn’t want them to be cooped up in a shitty LA apartment all day and he-” Colt choked on a sob that had come out of nowhere. “Neither of us had the capacity to take care of them. Hurt like hell to see them go, but it was better for them in the end. Probably lived happy lives with loving families.”

“Do you want to talk about them?” Jody asked.

“The childhood dogs I abandoned, or my dead parents?” Colt retorted, sharper than he meant to. “Neither, honestly. Really don’t want to talk about anything right now.” He tugged the blanket further over his body, nearly covering his entire head save for a tuft of blond hair peaking out.

She sucked in a breath, reaching out again, only for Colt to move further away from her. “Well, let me know if-”

“You should go,” he said sharply and Jody flinched back. “I’m fine. I can handle myself.” He grimaced as he heard Jean-Claude whine once again. “Should probably take Jean-Claude too. See if Dan can take him if you can’t. He needs to get out and not-”

“We’ve tried. Dan tried to take him for a walk the other day, but he wouldn’t budge. We had to move his food and water to your door because he’s stopped walking to the kitchen to eat.”

Colt inhaled sharply. “Dog is dumber than I thought. Should’ve realized something was wrong and left when he could.” He turned over to see Jody looking at him, hand resting on her chest, brow furrowed in concern. “Gets him a better life that isn’t being dragged down with me.”

She stayed silent, but leaned over and brushed her lips against his forehead. “I have to have a meeting with some of the studio heads to unpack,” she sighed, “everything. I’ll bring you something.” Jody brushed his hair out of his eyes again, tucking a strand behind his ear.

“I won’t eat it,” he huffed as she took a step back.

She looked up at the ceiling, blinking hard. “I want to help.”

“I don’t need help.”

“You do,” Jody argued with a finality that had him shutting his mouth instantly. “You do, Colt. You just-” she inhaled as Colt flinched- “you aren’t pushing me away. Not this time.”

He stared at her wordlessly as Jody sighed, calling for Jean-Claude to follow her out. The Kelpie looked back at Colt, who gestured toward the door. “You don’t want to be with me. Go with her.”

Jean-Claude let out another whine, padding over to Colt’s bed and slowly climbing up. He curled up next to the stuntman, who blinked in surprise. “I don’t-”

“He wants to help, Colt,” she said, hovering in the doorway. “Let him try.”

“It’s pointless.”

“You’re not the one who gets to make that call.”

He looked up at Jody, who blinked a few times, rubbing one of her eyes with the heel of her palm. “I’ll be back in two hours, love. Okay?”

Her heart ached as he stayed silent, refusing to make eye contact with her. He slowly sat up, running a hand over Jean-Claude’s short, silky fur as the dog rested his head in Colt’s lap, looking up at him expectantly. He let out a shaky breath as Jean-Claude gently nuzzled against him. “Okay,” he whispered.

She smiled softly. “Merci, Jean-Claude,” Jody whispered, closing the door softly behind her.

He’d taken the first steps out of his bedroom in a week after she left. Hardly anything, just a few steps past the doorway after Jean-Claude had gotten up and started pawing at the door. Colt let him free, watching as he trotted over to the screen door, squeezing through a doggy door that hadn’t been there before, and he waited.

He wasn’t sure why he did, but he waited.

Hovering there made him realize how stale the air was in his room. It felt like the air in a funeral home, inexplicably heavy with a weight that no one wanted to acknowledge, and still in a way that made you realize that time was out of human control. He wasn’t going to have to venture back to one again; some government bureaucrat on the other end of the phone had already informed him that there wasn’t a body left to bury. Everything had been vaporized.

He couldn’t even say goodbye to his dead brother’s corpse.

Colt took a shaky breath as his chest tightened, and Jean-Claude came scrambling back to him, stopping promptly at his side. He barely acknowledged him, staring blankly out at the wall until Jean-Claude pressed his nose to his thigh as an alert.

He looked down, smiling as he offered a few behind-the-ear scritches. Jean-Claude let out a low whine before barking quietly. “I’m gonna head back in there,” Colt said softly. “You probably want to be out here in the Sun. Not back with me, in the morgue,” he laughed slightly, but something uncomfortable weighed on his shoulders as he retreated back to his room.

Nearly gagging as he stepped back inside, Colt brought his shirt up to cover his nose, which, in all honesty, hardly did anything. He hadn’t changed since he’d gotten back, still in a t-shirt from his stunt work on a movie he’d done years ago and a pair of raggedy sweatpants covered in mysterious food stains as well as engine grease. Part of him wondered how Jean-Claude, or Jody especially, could even handle opening the door, much less get anywhere close to him.

Colt squeezed his eyes shut, letting his brain turn to fuzz as he stumbled forward, nearly melting into the worn mattress. A familiar pressure built up behind his eyes, and he reached out, burying his face into a pillow as Jean-Claude curled up next to him. He exhaled, finally relaxing his body and falling into a fitful sleep.

Ryland’s grading papers, chewing on the end of his pen as he absently tapped his fingers on the dining room table. He glanced up, smiling as Colt shut the door behind him. “You’re early,” he said.

Colt froze. “Really? Traffic from-”

“Not what I was referring to,” Ryland interrupted, turning back to his papers.

“Okay, Doctor. What are you referring to then?”

He looked up again, pen stilling. “You don’t remember?”

“Remember what?”

He shook his head, standing up from the couch. Colt blinked, glancing back at the table only to realize that the papers Ryland had been grading weren’t there. His hands balled into fists, his heart pounding as the realization began to wash over him.

“You didn’t drive here,” Ryland announced matter-of-factly. “You know that, right?”

Colt sucked in a breath. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“Doing what to you?”

He gestured wildly at his brother and the room around them. “This! This! Why are you- why am I- why-” Colt buried his face in his hands, stepping backwards as Ryland reached out for him. “Don’t touch me!” He shouted.

Ryland crossed his arms, staring blankly as Colt flinched away, body tense, arms coming up to protect his face. “I’m not doing anything to you, Colt.” He gestured around the room. “I have no power here, I’m-”

“Don’t say it!” He begged. “Please, I just- I can’t-”

“It won’t change anything.”

“I know it won’t but just-” Colt looked away, wiping a tear from his eye- “just don’t say it. Please.”

Ryland tilted his head to the side as Colt slowly lowered his arms. “Lying about this-” he waved a hand in front of himself as Colt crossed his arms tightly over his chest- “to yourself doesn’t make it any less true. Denial isn’t healthy. Lying to the people you care about isn’t healthy.”

“You- you lied to me about where you were!”

“I was working on a classified mission. I gave you as much information as I could.” He took another step forward, and Colt felt his back hit a wall that hadn’t been there before. He looked around frantically, finding that the living room of Ryland’s small apartment in San Francisco had become a larger, formal room, filled to the brim with nautical and beachy decor. It was a room he hadn’t set foot in in years.

Colt shook his head. “No. Don’t you dare. Don’t- don’t make me-”

Ryland looked around curiously, smiling softly. “Don’t make you, what?” He asked, pale blue eyes staring directly into Colt’s soul as he gripped the shelf of the built-in behind him for dear life.

“You know what I’m talking about,” he spat.

“Mom and Dad aren’t here,” Ryland said with a shrug. “Why would they be? They’re gone.”

Colt swallowed. “Why are we here, Ryland?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

He felt his throat run dry, his hands trembled wildly as he shook his head. “No,” he whispered as Ryland took another step forward. His elbow bumped a vase on the shelf, and he watched it fall, shattering into thousands of tiny, microscopic pieces that could never be put back together. A bouquet of lilies rested in the puddle of water on the ground, but he could have sworn he saw a hand holding them close to their chest as she rested-

Colt looked back at Ryland, horrified. “Stop it.”

“I’m not doing anything,” he reminded him, pushing open a door. They were in a hospital hallway and Colt backed up again, catching a glimpse of a vase of lilies surrounded by condolence cards through the frosted windows. The PA sounded, but he couldn’t hear it as Ryland took another step back, opening the door even wider.

He took another step away from his twin, blinking back tears. “I’m not going in there.”

“Why not?”

“You know why.”

“I didn’t have a choice.”

Colt wiped at his eyes. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare. I-”

“Why didn’t you tell me, Colt?” Ryland asked, looking to the side. “Why did you lie?”

“Stop it,” he sobbed, backing against the wall and sinking down to the ground. “Stop it. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to talk about it. I just-” he tucked his head between his knees, covering his ears as his body wracked itself with more sobs.

Ryland sat next to him, looking at him intently. “Do you remember where I was when you called me?”

“Stop.”

“Do you remember why you called me, not Dad?”

Colt closed his eyes. “He couldn’t- he didn’t want to say it. He asked me to do it because he didn’t want-”

“He didn’t want to what?”

“This is cruel,” Colt hissed, glaring at him. “This is- why are you doing this?”

Ryland blinked, “I’m not doing anything to you, Colt.”

“Yes, you are!”

He stared at him. Colt took another shaky breath, trying to keep his voice from breaking. “He didn’t want to say she was dying,” he admitted. “He never did, remember? Remember how long it took for him to admit she was sick?” Ryland nodded, and Colt rested his head on his knees. “He didn’t want to say that she was dying, so he made me do it.”

“And where was I when you called me?”

“You were in New York, at some big conference. You were still in academia, trying to make a name for yourself. Some tenured professor at Stanford had invited you,” Colt recalled. “I called you right as you were about to give a presentation.”

“And what did I do?”

“You bailed. Ran straight to the airport and flew on the first flight back here. First class because it was all they had left and you didn’t want- you didn’t want to wait, in case she didn’t-” Colt’s voice died in his throat as he buried his head again, tears streaming down his face. He took a deep breath. “You took a cab straight from the airport, but she- she was gone. By the time you got here. We both- we both missed our chance to-”

“Liar,” Ryland seethed, breath hot against Colt’s neck.

He shoved his brother’s face away, scrambling to his feet. His back was pressed against the glass as he looked over to see the name on the door: Allison Seavers-Grace, better known to the twins as “Mom.” Colt looked back at Ryland, eyes wide in terror as he crossed his arms, eyes narrowed.

“Why did you lie to me, Colt?”

“I didn’t-” he tried, the words lodging in his throat. “I didn’t-”

“Why did you lie to me?”

“STOP IT!” He screamed, his breathing ragged as his hands tangled in his hair. “Stop it! Stop it!” Colt begged, a sob ripping itself from his throat as his back hit the wall with a thud. “Don’t make- stop it. Please. I- I can’t.”

“Why did you lie to me?”

“No,” he whispered.

“Why did you lie to me?”

“Stop it.”

“Why did you lie to-”

“I said stop!”

“Why did you lie-”

“Shut up!”

“Why did you-”

“I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT YOU,” he sobbed, staring at Ryland through tear-filled eyes. “She- she wanted- she fought-” he crumpled to the floor like a rag doll, head pressed against the cool tile- “she wanted to wait until all of us were there. She fought so hard to see you one last time but she-” Colt let out a wail- “you didn’t make it in time. She missed you by fifteen minutes and I-” 

He looked up, seeing Ryland’s head cocked to the side. Gaze hard and unfeeling as he watched the blubbering mess of his twin brother try to pull himself back together. “I knew you did everything you could to make it so I- I told you that she died before I got there because I didn’t- you would’ve-”

“I would’ve what?”

“You would’ve never forgiven yourself,” he sniffled, “you would have never forgiven yourself if you missed her by fifteen minutes so I- I told you that Dad was the only one there. I told you that I didn’t get to say goodbye either so you wouldn’t- so you wouldn’t hate yourself for it.”

Ryland sat next to him, wrapping an arm over Colt as he pressed his face into his twin brother’s shoulder. “What were her last words?” He asked as Colt felt another tear trickle down the side of his face.

“Please,” he whispered, burying his face into Ryland’s cardigan.

“I never got to say goodbye to my mother, Colt. You lied about the fact that you did for years. The least you could do is tell me the last words she ever said.”

He breathed, his tears creating a small damp spot on Ryland’s shirt. “She- she told me-” he swallowed- “she told me to keep you close. She told me to protect you, like big brothers should.”

He nodded. “Well. I don’t think I need to say anything.”

Colt shook his head. “I know.”

“She’s in there.”

“I know.”

“You should go apologize.” Colt looked up as Ryland stood, putting a distance between them. “Her dying wish was to have you protect me, your twin brother, right?” He nodded solemnly, and Ryland looked at the door. “If she’d asked me,” he mused, looking down at Colt, “this would have never happened. I’d still be alive. You’d still be alive. Maybe Dad would too.”

He looked up, tears in his eyes, the vessels so prominent that the whites of his eyes hardly existed. “I told you about Mom, just- please. I don’t- I don’t want to talk about him too.”

“You really enjoyed lying to me, didn’t you?”

Colt stood up, “I was trying- I was trying to protect you, Ryland.”

“And now I’m dead,” he announced, and Colt nearly stumbled backwards. “So how successful would you rate yourself on fulfilling Mom’s final wish?”

He said nothing.

Ryland gestured to the door. “Go ahead.”

Colt took a few steps forward, running his fingers over the letters of his mother's name. He inhaled, finally looking inside to see his father, bent over in his chair with his head in his hands, frozen like his life had ended right before his eyes. And, as Colt pushed the memory down, feeling Ryland’s eyes burning holes into his back, he realized that it had. 

He turned, feeling the air rush out of his body as he saw his mother for the first time in years. The mortician had done their job. Added color back to her face, made her seem as though she was just sleeping, not really dead. He’d almost allowed that memory to replace the one burned into his brain of her in the hospital bed.

The machines had all been turned off, leaving the three of them silent, but she was still hooked up to more wires than Colt could imagine. He felt bile slowly rising into his throat as he took another step forward. She was pale, nearly translucent with how much the cancer had taken from her. He brushed against her hand, her touch cold against the back of his hand, and he fell to his knees. Another flood of tears spilled down his cheeks.

He reached up, brushing her strawberry blonde hair with one of his knuckles, grimacing as he remembered batting at the end of a braid while she held him as a child. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I- I tried, but I-” he lowered his head, unable to continue his sentence.

Colt buried his face in his hands, body shaking with a few more silent sobs. He felt a hand slowly carding through his hair, and a quiet, mournful whimper slipped past his lips. “Mom.”

Jody is there when he opens his eyes. She doesn’t flinch when he finally stirs. She doesn’t speak. She keeps running her hands through his hair, grounding him to reality. Most importantly, she doesn’t leave. And for the first time since the airport, since the news broadcast that shot him in the heart, since Colt Seavers found out he was an only child, he doesn’t try to pull away.

“You were crying,” she murmured, “in your sleep. You were muttering too but I couldn’t understand anything you said.” Her hand stilled as he sat up, thumb tracing the top of his cheekbone. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head.

She sighed. “Do you want me to leave?”

He shook his head harder.

She nodded, slowly reaching out and wrapping her arms around him. Colt tucked his head under her chin, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist like he was scared of what would happen if he let go. One of her hands rested on his back, the other staying threaded through his hair as she felt him relax into her touch. She felt her shirt dampen as he buried his face in her chest, trembling slightly.

“Oh, Colt,” she whispered. Her hand stilled as she pressed a kiss into his blond hair. “I’m so sorry.”

“Not your fault,” he grumbled, hands grabbing fistfulls of Jody’s shirt. “I- Goddamnit- I should have never let him go, I- promised our mom that I’d-” his voice is muffled by the crook of her neck- “that I’d protect him and I- and he’s-”

“You couldn’t have known,” she said softly. “There was no way-” she tried to say, but Colt was already pushing away from her, pulling out of her grasp. 

He stood up, pacing restlessly as he ran his own hands through his hair. “I should have. I should have known something was up. I should have known that something was going to happen to him. I should have known.” He turned to Jody, tears already pricking at the edges of his eyes as he held a hand against his chest. “That’s my job. He’s my baby brother and I have to- I had- I had to protect him and I didn’t and I-”

Colt buried his face in his hands. “I told him I’d be here when he got back. After he was done and saved the world. And now- now he’s never coming home because I- I couldn’t- I didn’t- I don’t-”

Jody stood, trying to reach out for him slowly, but he flinched away. “I need to be alone,” he whispered, turning away to avoid seeing the hurt in Jody’s eyes. “I don’t deserve-” he inhaled, clenching his fists- “You should leave, Jody.”

She stayed. “Colt-”

“You need to go.”

She didn’t move. Instead, she took a step closer to him. 

He flinched away like a startled fox. “Get out,” he said, sharply but softly in a way that had Jody sucking in a breath.

“Colt-”

“I- just- please,” Colt muttered, turning away from her and wrapping his arms around himself. “I don’t want- I need to be alone and I need- I need you to leave.”

She hesitated, which ached more than if she’d just turned on her heel and left, slamming the door behind her. The fact that she wasn’t angry at him felt like a knife twisting in his soul. He opened his mouth, trying, needing to take it back but no words came out and he stood there, a voiceless, helpless orphan and twinless twin.

He’s not sure if she said something. She probably did. Trying to argue that this isn’t healthy. That he can’t just push people away like he always tries to whenever something goes wrong. Regardless, he didn’t hear her, but eventually, he did hear the click of the door closing as she left.

Colt Seavers was alone.

This was what he wanted, right?

Then why did it hurt so much more?

He pressed his back to the wall, slowly sinking to the ground, curling himself into a ball. Jean-Claude let out a low whine, leaping from the bed to again sit faithfully at Colt’s side, head resting in his lap. He reached out, his vision blurry with tears, and slowly ran his hand over the soft fur on the dog’s head, and for a moment, he isn’t there.

Just for a moment, Colt is eight years old again. He’s sitting on the couch at his parents' house. He looked to the side, and there’s a chocolate lab sitting beside him. The fur around her nose and eyes is gray from age, and Colt remembers. Lucy. She’s fourteen years old, pretty impressive lifespan for a labrador retriever.

Ryland’s there too, face buried in her fur as he sobbed. Their parents are stood across the room. Their mom tries to say something to Ryland but he shouts at her angrily, tears glistening on his face. Colt doesn’t hear them, he’s numb as he scratches behind one of Lucy’s ears. He remembers why Ryland is angry, why he’s crying. His brother tried to run away after this, but their dad found him at the bus stop and dragged him back home, kicking and screaming. Colt knew why he’d tried to run, but he’d never forgiven him for it.

He wiped his eyes, and he was back in his bedroom with Jean-Claude. The house was gone. The dog that had been with them since birth was gone. His parents were gone. His twin brother was gone. He was all alone.

“Should’ve let him kill me,” Colt growled, nails digging into the palms of fists as Jean-Claude let out an inquisitive bark. “Should’ve just- should’ve just taken the fall for the asshole. It’s what I’m good at anyway,” he waved his hand, feeling the pain in his back radiating up his spine, “Falling. Only thing I’ve ever done right.”

He tilted his head back, staring back up at the ceiling. “You hear me, asshole? I’m good at falling. I’m good at doing stupid shit. I’m- I’m good at almost getting myself killed so why’d-” he choked on a sob- “I was supposed to die first. I wasn’t- I wasn’t supposed to be an only child. I wasn’t supposed to be the youngest, you- you piece of shit.” He didn’t even try to wipe the tears away anymore. “Yeah, Ryland. Hear that? You- you’re- you’re a terrible person,” he wheezed, a delirious laugh echoing through the room. “You, you were not supposed to die first. Dick move, honestly. I had- I had it all planned out. I was gonna die first because I’m a selfish dickhead and I- I didn’t want to live my life without a brother. But you- you just had to fuck it up for me, didn’t you?”

Colt tucked his head in between his knees, a strangled scream ripping itself from his throat. “Goddamnit Ry! You weren’t- why’d you- why’d you have to die, Ryland? Why’d you have to leave me alone you selfish- you selfish piece of shit!” He wailed. “Why’d you have to fucking keep me alive if you were just gonna fucking go off and die anyway? Selfish bastard, all you ever did- all you ever did was think about yourself. You didn’t- you- you-”

He breathed, trying to will more tears out, but they wouldn’t come. “You left me alone, Ry. You, you weren’t there. You went to college. You went to all those crazy places around the world to conferences and shit and- and you weren’t there when mom died and you weren’t there when dad died and I- I needed you and you weren’t there. And I know I’m a- I’m a terrible person for lying but I- everyone-” he wiped at his eyes, resting his head on his knees. “Everyone said that because I was older, I needed to protect you. Didn’t matter that it was by five minutes. You were the baby of the family. So I lied and I kept lying because you- you weren’t the fuck up. You actually did something with your life and I- Mom and Dad-” he whimpered. “They were so proud of you, Ryland. Even when you were fucking up your entire career they were so much more proud of you than they ever were of me and I-”

Jean-Claude let out a nervous whine and Colt laid on the ground, holding the kelpie tightly as he buried his face in his fur. “I wanted to protect Mom and Dad’s golden child. I wanted to protect my baby brother. I wanted to be there for you but you- you couldn’t-” he sobbed- “I needed you to be there for me too. You were my brother and I needed you. But now- but now you’re not here and I- I can’t do this without you.”

He continued heaving dry sobs as his body shook. Jean-Claude whimpered, licking at the trails of salt left behind on Colt’s tear-stained cheeks as he stilled. A wave of exhaustion finally overpowering him, and he closed his eyes.

He’s in the passenger seat when he wakes up. Ryland’s driving. His eyes are focused on the road ahead. There’s a packet of skittles in the cupholder. But the radio is silent. And Colt was the one that always drove.

“Where are we?” He asked; somewhat dreading the answer as Ryland barely spared him a glance.

“We’re driving.”

“Where are we going?”

Ryland sighed, turning to face him. “You know where we’re going.”

He looked out the window, watching as the terrain alongside the highway slowly became familiar. Colt glanced up as Ryland moved over into the far left lane, scanning the highway sign for the exit number. An exit number he hadn’t seen since-

“No,” Colt whispered. Ryland stayed silent, exiting off the freeway. “No. No! No! Let me out!” He shouted, tugging at the door handle desperately.

“It’s locked, Colt.”

“Pull over!”

“No.”

“Let me out!” He begged, still yanking at the door handle. “Ryland, please. God please, let me out! Don’t- don’t make me- I-” he let out a broken sob- “Please. I- I told you about Mom. I told you that I lied about when she died so I- so I wouldn’t have to watch you destroy yourself. But please Ryland, don’t- don’t make me do this.”

Ryland pursed his lips. “You know I saw a cardiologist after it happened, right?”

“Don’t you fucking dare!”

“Funny thing,” he turned to Colt, whose face was now whiter than a ghost. “We have no history of heart complications in our family. In fact, we are a family with very healthy hearts. Weird that a guy from a family with no history of heart problems, with two sons who also have no heart problems, died of a heart attack in his late fifties, right?”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Weirder still that his official cause of death was asphyxiation.”

Colt shook his head. “I never told you that.”

“Of course you didn’t. You lied to me. Because apparently lying to me about my own mother-”

“I was trying to protect-”

“I’m dead, Colt.” Ryland snapped as Colt flinched away. “I’m dead. This isn’t real. You didn’t protect me, you couldn’t protect me. And now I’m dead. You failed. You let me die.”

“That isn’t true!”

“Yes it is!”

“Why are you saying that?” He sobbed. “Why are you making me do this? Why are you doing this to me? Why- why are you-”

“I’m not real, dipshit!” 

He slammed on the brakes with such force that Colt nearly went flying through the windshield. He looked at Ryland, who was glaring at him as he still desperately tried to open the door.

“Let me out.”

“No.”

“Don’t make me-”

“I’m dead, you dumbass,” Ryland snapped. “My body was vaporized by an explosion in Kazakhstan. There is literally nothing left of me. I’m not making you do shit. I am a figment of your imagination. This is a fucking dream. I have no control here.”

Colt swallowed hard, still tugging at the door handle. “If this is a dream, then why am I not waking up?”

His twin brother shrugged. “Fuck if I know.”

He tugged one more time on the handle and felt the door give way. Colt tumbled out of his truck, hitting the pavement hard, already feeling the blood starting to trickle down the side of his head, staining his blond hair crimson. He looked up at the house in front of them. A house he knew all to well. It had been in the background of twelve first-day-of-school pictures with the two of them in their matching outfits when they were little, all the way up until their senior year. It had been in the background of Prom and Homecoming pictures. Of photos of Summer days that were tucked away in albums buried in Ryland’s apartment and under Colt’s bed.

Their childhood home. Colt had never wanted to see it again.

He stared at the garage, hearing Ryland’s footsteps as he came to loom over him.

“Why are we here?”

“You tell me.”

“I don’t want to be here, Ryland.”

“No shit,” he stated, matter-of-factly, tossing something to Colt. He turned it over in his hands, his blood running cold as he realized it was the garage door opener. “Open it up.”

“No.”

“Too chickenshit?”

He snapped. Colt jumped up from the pavement, black spots already dotting his vision as he screamed, charging at his brother. He swung a fist, feeling an awful mixture of pleasure, relief, disgust, horror, and catharsis pool in his stomach as he felt it make contact with Ryland’s cheek.

Ryland, to his credit, didn’t flinch. He took a step back, running a hand over the bruise, and deadpanned at Colt. “I thought you could fight.”

“I can,” he seethed. “I did. For eight fucking years because people wouldn’t leave you alone. I got the shit beat out of me so you wouldn’t have to take it, you fucking asshole!”

“I never asked you to. I hated it when you did, really.”

“Fuck you,” he spat. “Fuck you, you ungrateful bastard. I was protecting you!”

His twin brother waved his hand dismissively as he rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes. You have a savior complex to combat the fact that you’re deeply uncomfortable with the fact that you’re-” he laughed- “you’re nothing more than a fucking failure.”

“Shut up!”

“You couldn’t save me,” Ryland began, a horrific smirk spreading across his lips as Colt felt his heart drop into his stomach. “You couldn’t give your mom the chance to die surrounded by her family. You couldn’t do anything to stop her from being sick. And you couldn’t do anything to stop our father from fucking killing himself. Sure sounds like the track record of a washed-out stuntman who couldn’t even take himself out properly.”

Colt fell to his knees, his hands scraping against the pavement as he watched the blood drip from his head. “Stop it,” he whispered weakly as Ryland got down to his level.

“You wanted to die first, right?” He sang condescendingly as Colt felt his entire body freeze up. Bile and panic rose in his throat as the ringing in his ears began to deafen him. “You tried twice, didn’t you?”

Colt nodded, and Ryland rolled his eyes. “Open the garage.”

“No.”

“Colt.”

“No!” He shouted, jumping back to his feet. “I- You made me-”

“I’m dead,” Ryland reminded him. “Didn’t make you do shit.”

“WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP?!” Colt screamed, hands gripping at his hair, feeling the warmth of the blood pouring out of the wound on his head. “I- I had to see mom again. I had to see her in that hospital bed. I had to see her when she died. I had to see her like that and I- I never ever wanted to see that again so I am- I’m not-”

“Not going to what?”

“I’m not going in there. Not again. I’m not going to be the one who finds my father’s corpse, you piece of shit!”

Ryland took a step backwards, tilting his head to the side as Colt glowered at him, heaving breaths like he was starved for oxygen, black spots still scattered across his vision. His twin brother cleared his throat. “So you remember?”

Colt scoffed. “Yeah, like finding your father’s dead body after he fucking killed himself is something most people forget, dipshit.”

“How’d he die?”

“You already know that. I don’t have to tell you anything.”

“You never told Ryland,” Ryland said, crossing his arms. “You told him the heart attack story. I don’t think he ever believed you but hey, it was just so much easier than-”

“Shut the fuck up!” Colt seethed, looking back at him. “You weren’t fucking there! You were never there! You were important special Doctor Ryland Grace who was needed by everyone all over the world all the fucking time and you know where that got you, Ryland? It fucking got you killed. So was it worth it? Missing your own mother’s death? Abandoning your family to go off to some fancy private school that put our parents into so much debt that they never told you about? Abandoning me, your fucking twin brother, when I needed you the most? Was it fucking worth it, Ryland?”

Ryland crossed his arms. “I was there.”

“No you weren’t!” 

“I was, you’re just too angry at me to admit it.”

Colt scowled. “The fuck are you talking about? You weren’t-”

“Who was there when you woke up in the hospital, Colt? Because it wasn’t Jody.” He took a step forward. “Who brought you to the emergency room the first time? Who’s door did you knock on after the second time?”

He flinched backwards. “I’m not talking about that,” he snapped, pointing at the garage. “I’m talking about the fact that I showed up here, by myself. That I opened that garage by myself. That I walked in and found our father slumped over the dash, with his keys in the ignition, an empty gas tank, and no pulse, by myself!” Ryland made a satisfied hum as Colt narrowed his eyes at him. “You weren’t there for that! You were-”

“I was what?”

“You- you were-”

“I was home. I was making funeral arrangements for Mom when you called me,” he recalled, staring off into the distance. “I would’ve dropped everything if you told me. But you told me he had a heart attack. You,” he took another step forward as Colt moved back to maintain the distance, “lied to me.”

Colt sucked in a breath, his body starting to sway. “I was- I was protecting you. You’d just lost Mom-”

“So did you.”

He shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself. “I knew you weren’t going to take it well. It would have-” he trailed off, gesturing vaguely, the blood loss starting to become extremely apparent as his thoughts began to slur together.

Ryland sighed. “You had no idea how I was going to take it. You didn’t give me the chance.” He finally closed the gap between them, placing his hands on Colt’s shoulders. “You can bitch and moan about how I wasn’t there, but I didn’t know, Colt. You never told me. It’s not my fault I couldn’t help you. You refused to let me.”

“I-”

“You did, just like you refused to let Jody and I help after the accident. Just like you’re refusing to let her and Dan help you now. You’re pushing them away, Colt.”

“I don’t- they don’t- they shouldn’t have to babysit me like I’m-”

“They’ll only try so hard to help you, Colt. They’ll take the hint eventually-”

“Good,” Colt muttered. “Great! Their lives will be so much better when-”

“When you’re dead?” Ryland finished, and Colt felt his throat run dry, eyes wide in terror. “Because that’s how this ends. I was the reason you survived those eighteen months because unlike Jody, there was no way in hell I was going to stop showing up. You were all I had left and I’d be damned if I was going to lose you.”

He shook his head. “Don’t- don’t say that. Don’t do that to me. Not when-”

“Don’t remind you that I had you resuscitated eight times after you fell one-hundred and forty feet and miraculously weren’t paralyzed? Don’t remind you that I took you to the hospital when you downed that entire bottle of painkillers? Don’t remind you that I was the one who refused to let you out of my sight when you came to my apartment at two in the morning to tell me what you tried to do? Don’t remind you that maybe I didn’t want you to be the first one to die?”

Colt exhaled, burying his face into Ryland’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “I’m so sorry, I- I didn’t know what to do and I- I just- I-”

Ryland rubbed his back, shushing him softly. “I know. But I’m not here anymore,” he whispered, feeling Colt grab ahold of his shirt tightly. “I can’t be there for you anymore. I’m dead, Colt.”

“No,” he begged, tears streaming down his face. “No. Ryland, you-”

“I won’t be there if you try again, Colt. If you push Jody and Dan away too, they won’t be there either. Nobody will be there to save you.”

“What if-”

“Do you think I want to watch you give up now? After you pulled yourself back out of hell? After you finally fixed the biggest mistake you made in your entire life?” Ryland asked, pushing him away but still keeping him at arms length. “Colt. You’re doing what you love for the first time in eighteen months. You got the love of your life back. You have that spark in your eyes again and I am so, so fudging proud of you.”

Colt sniffled, wiping at his eyes. “You were, you were supposed to be there. You said you would be. We were supposed to this together.”

“I know,” Ryland murmured, pulling Colt close against him in a tight bear hug. “I know. And I’m so sorry, Colt.” He squeezed his twin brother tighter as Colt’s body shook with another sob. “Just remember that I love you. I love you so fudging much.”

He barely remembers stumbling out to the kitchen, hands gripping the counter like he’d float away if he let go. Jean-Claude sat at his heels, looking up at him expectantly as Colt squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to take a few, measured, even breaths. 

He looked up, nearly flinching as he saw Dan, two cups of coffee in hand, staring at him like he’d seen a ghost. Which, considering Colt had hardly left his room in a week, could be considered accurate. “Good morning,” he said cautiously, slowly approaching Colt like he was scared that making a sudden movement would have him running back to his room. “I brought you coffee from that place Jody said you liked.”

Colt reached out, accepting the coffee gratefully. His thumb brushed over the logo printed on the cup and he smiled slightly. “Can’t believe she remembered,” he murmured, taking a slow sip that sent a tingling warmth throughout his body. He held the cup up, looking at Dan. “I took her here on our fifth date, I think. Must’ve, God, must’ve been four years ago. Worst date ever. It was pouring rain, we were both exhausted from the amount of reshoots, and I finally grabbed her, and we snuck off set for twenty minutes to grab it. By the time we got there, we were soaking wet and grumpy, and she, she was being stubborn so I ordered for her.” He stared off into the distance. “We sat down and I handed her her cup and she took one sip and declared it the best coffee she’d had in the states, so it kinda became a routine. I always thought it wasn’t much better than Starbucks but it made her happy so,” he shrugged, taking another sip as Dan smiled.

“Who knew you were such a sap?”

He laughed, wiping a stray tear from his eye. “I cry in the car to Taylor Swift, dude. The whole cool guy stuntman stuff is bullshit, you know that.” Dan finally let out a real laugh at that one as Colt took another sip. “How long was I out?”

Dan grimaced, glancing at the blinking clock on the stove. “Jody was here around four yesterday. Her meeting ran long. Studio execs weren’t totally convinced that Ryder was capable of murder. Thought he was also somehow being framed.” He shrugged as Colt raised an eyebrow in disbelief, and then glanced at the fridge. “She brought you what was supposed to be dinner, I think?”

Right. Colt cleared his throat. “I told her not to,” he said quietly. “Told her I wouldn’t eat it.”

“She did it anyway.” Dan’s expression soured. “We’re not sure if you’ve even eaten since you got back, man. I mean, I-”

“You don’t have to say it,” Colt whispered. “I, uh, I’m aware.”

“Colt, I’m-”

“Not your fault,” he interrupted, feeling that familiar itch to push his best friend away. Colt looked down at the cup, staring at it intently as Jean-Claude pawed at his leg. He shuddered, setting the cup down. “Sorry, I- I had a weird fucking dream and it’s- it’s fucking with me.”

Dan nodded solemnly and Colt shook his head. “Just say it.”

“Dead brother dream?”

“Close,” Colt said, snapping his fingers. “Daily double. Dead brother and dead dad dream. Not a fun combo.” He shook his head, leaning against the counter and taking another sip of his coffee.

Dan blinked. “Colt, I’m so sorry. I didn’t-”

He brushed it off. “Years ago. Went a few days after my mom. Long story. I don’t- I don’t talk about him much.” Jean-Claude whined and Colt looked down at him. “Hold on, bud. I might have some old treats here,” he muttered, reaching up to rummage through the cupboards.

Dan hummed. “You had dogs?”

“I grew up with them,” Colt answered, cursing under his breath as he realized that the only dog treats he had were nearly seven years over their expiration date. “Ry and I grew up with this chocolate lab named Lucy, and she was,” he turned around, cocking his head to the side, “remember that dog from the Peter Pan movie?” Dan nodded. “Yeah, kinda like that,” Colt explained. “She was an anniversary gift that our mom got, and she was basically there from the beginning for Ry and I.” He swallowed. “We uh, we put her down when we were eight. Ryland- he was so mad that he packed his school backpack and ran. Got all the way to the Greyhound station and somehow bought himself a ticket to New York before my dad stopped him. Still have no fucking clue how he figured that out.”

“Fucking New York?” Dan coughed, coffee sputtering everywhere. “What the hell did he think he was gonna do out there?”

“Broadway. Ryland was obsessed with musicals as a kid.”

“You’re kidding.”

Colt smiled, really, actually smiled for the first time since Australia. He reached towards the fridge, grabbing a packet of deli meat and tossed a scrap to Jean-Claude. Dan looked at him, “So why was your dog’s name Lucy?”

“My mom loved Charlie Brown, for whatever reason.”

“Did you have a beagle named Snoopy?”

“We did actually, cutest dog in the fucking world,” Colt said, before bending down to scratch under Jean-Claude’s chin. “Except for Jean-Claude here.”

He sat there for a moment as Dan seemed to study him. He understood why. He hadn’t left his room in days. Jody was the only one capable of getting full sentences out of him, and here he was. Acting normal. As though he was ever going to be normal again.

Dan swallowed. “What, uh, what happened to them?”

Colt stood up, taking a deep breath as pressure began to build behind his eyes. “I uh- I had to give them up. My mom, uh-” he sniffled- “my mom’s cancer came out of nowhere and took her just as fast, and then my dad, he- he went pretty quick after that. They had three dogs, Linus, Sally, and Snoopy, and uh-”

“You don’t have to-”

Colt shook his head. “Linus and Sally were bigger. Pitbull mix that my mom rescued and Sally was a golden retriever that my dad surprised her with.” He shrugged. “I couldn’t, I couldn’t keep them all cooped up in my shitty apartment and-” he finally wiped at his eyes, looking away from Dan, who winced- “Ryland, he was- he was still in academia at the time so he was flying all over the world for conferences and- and stupid shit like that so he couldn’t take them. And I- I had to give them up, and I felt like the worst fucking jackass on the planet.”

He slowly sank down, back resting against the cool metal of the fridge as he buried his head in his hands. Dan knelt beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “You did what was best for them, dude. If neither of you-”

“I abandoned them,” he muttered. “I tried. I tried to at least hang on to Snoopy. He was just a beagle, he was smaller, and he- he was my mom’s favorite. Wouldn’t leave her side until we had to take her to the hospital and I-” he sobbed- “God I fucking tried so hard, Dan. I tried so fucking hard and I- I couldn’t do anything. And the only thing, the only fucking thing that didn’t keep me from imploding over the fact that I literally abandoned the dogs I grew up with and the last thing I had from my parents, was the fact that I still had one thing left before I was completely fucking alone. I still-” he squeezed his eyes shut- “I still had my twin brother but now-” Colt shrugged- “Now I really fucked it. Now I’m alone.”

He stood up, staring down at the dog in front of him. “I think I asked if Jody could drop him off with you if she-”

“He bit the shit out of me when I tried,” Dan interrupted, holding up his bandaged hand that Colt hadn’t noticed before. “I had him leashed up, tried to drag him out. Didn’t work. I picked him up, got all the way to the door, then he bit the crap out of my hand and ran straight back to sit at your door. Jody is,” he laughed a bit, examining the wrapping, “really good at first aid. I had no idea.”

“She dated a stuntman. First aid kinda comes in the job description.”

“She’s dating a stuntman,” Dan corrected as Colt looked up at him, surprised. “She’s not giving up on you, Colt. I’m not either, dude.” He reached out, finally pulling his best friend into a hug. “You’re not alone, buddy. We’ll give you all the space you want, but we’re not letting you disappear on us, not like last time.”

“You don’t have to-” 

“We want to, Colt. You-” he shook his head- “you just lost your twin, dude. I can’t even fathom what that’s gotta be like and I- We’re not leaving you alone, dude. We care about you. We’re here for you,” he announced, patting the stuntman on the back.

Colt froze, a warm feeling flooding his body as he finally gave in, leaning into the hug. He relaxed just enough that the tears began to flow down his cheeks silently, the dam breaking open as Dan squeezed him tighter. He felt his knees buckle slightly, stumbling forward as he reached under his arms, holding him up.

“Thank you,” Colt whispered, slowly releasing himself from the stunt coordinator’s hold, still clutching the edge of the counter for dear life.

Dan nodded. “I’ll, I’ll give you some space. Jody will probably be by in a few hours. You’ve just woken up after sleeping for like twenty hours straight. I’d probably drink some stuff, maybe eat something.” Colt nodded and shrugged slightly.

He watched as the stunt coordinator bent down, mumbling something in French to Jean-Claude, and then slowly walked out backwards, keeping an eye on Colt, who flashed him a thumbs up as he opened the door. Dan nodded, giving his own back as he shut the door behind him.

Colt exhaled, running a hand through his hair as he turned, tugging open the door to the fridge. It was pretty barren, even before he’d left for Australia. He’d mostly been living off burritos from the restaurant where he’d been working, and an occasional box of leftovers from when Ryland would bring him to a restaurant to force him out of the house. His eyes burned at the memory.

Finally, he found a plastic bag, the logo of some upscale restaurant printed on the side, and grabbed it. He took the takeout boxes out, sniffing them slightly. “God, Jody,” he whispered. “What the hell did I do to deserve you?”

“You showered,” she said softly as Colt looked up, towel still on top of his head as he ran it through his damp hair. “You’re out of bed,” she added, smiling a little before she sucked in a breath as she saw a plate and silverware in the sink. “You told me you wouldn’t eat if I brought you something.”

Colt shrugged. “I slept for like, twenty hours yesterday. My body was pretty- pretty desperate for something,” he said, glancing over at the bag he’d left at the counter. “Besides, you were at a nice place and I figured the studio wasn’t going to cover a meal for a stuntman, so you were probably the one who paid for it-” Jody winced, but nodded all the same- “and I figured I wouldn’t want you to waste your money. Shitty thing to do, I’ll make it up to you.”

She closed the distance between them, holding his head in her hands and bringing his lips to her in a soft kiss. “You,” she said softly as she pulled away, her hand playing with the damp ends of his hair, “don’t have to do a thing. All of this-” she gestured around the room- “is purely altruistic. And if you try to pay me back for any of it, I will stab you with a pen again in a place that will hurt a lot more than your thigh.”

“I’ll take you out to dinner,” Colt murmured, kissing her again. “I’ll pay-”

“You always paid,” she interrupted. “I offered to split the check every time, but you always refused.”

He shrugged, a lump starting to form in his throat. “It’s what my mom taught me. I think I disappointed her with how many fights I used to get in, but I always tried to be a ‘proper gentleman’ whenever I took a girl out.”

“I wish I could thank her.”

“She would’ve loved you,” Colt whispered, brushing a few strands of Jody’s blonde hair out of her face. “My dad too. They would’ve been calling you their daughter probably ten minutes after meeting you.”

“Glad to know they would’ve thought I was good enough for their son.”

“They would probably be concerned that I wasn’t good enough for you, honestly.” He kissed her again. “You’re perfect.”

She smiled softly, rubbing her thumb under his eye and catching a few tears that escaped. “How are you holding up? Really?” She added as Colt opened his mouth with a preplanned speech about how well he was doing. “No bullshit.”

He nodded. “Horrible,” he breathed. “I’m a fucking disaster. This has been the highlight of my week, honestly.” Colt shook his head as Jody pulled him closer to her, arms wrapping around him tightly. “It’s like everything hitting at once,” he exhaled, voice starting to shake. “I-” he buried his face in the crook of her neck. “I miss him so much, Jody.”

She nodded as he took a shaky breath. “So goddamn much. He was- he was all I had left.” Jody hugged him tighter. “I just- he wasn’t- I wasn’t supposed to lose him this early.” He sobbed, body trembling in her arms. “I wasn’t ready to be alone and I- he always-” he sniffled- “Yeah, I always tried to protect him when we were kids but he-” Colt wiped his eyes using the fabric of Jody’s shirt. “He was there for me after our parents died. And I- I didn’t let him help as much as he wanted to because I was trying to protect him but,” he continued on with a mess of incoherent mumblings as Jody shushed him gently, waiting until he could manage another full sentence.

He sucked in a breath. “Ryland saved my life. Twice. And I never fucking thanked him for it because I’m such a fucking asshole.”

Jody’s brow furrowed as she held him at arms length, forcing him to meet her eyes. “Colt Seavers, you are a great many things. But you are not an asshole.”

“I ghosted you for fourteen months after three years of a relationship, that I referred to as a ‘fling.’” He reminded her.

“Yeah okay, you’re a bit of an asshole.” Jody admitted as Colt shrugged. “But not because you have regrets about what you didn’t say to him. We don’t-” she rubbed his arm gently- “we don’t always get to clear everything up before we lose someone.”

“I didn’t even have last words to him,” Colt scoffed. “I fucking hung up on him because we were fighting about dumb shit and we both said something we shouldn’t have and I decided to be petty about it.” He chewed on the inside of his cheek. “I’m such a fucking dick.”

“What were his last words in the last voicemail he sent you?”

He looked at her eyes wide. “What?”

“You let me hear about sixty of them. I know there were over a hundred-”

“One hundred and twenty seven.”

Jody frowned. “What were his last words on that voicemail?” She asked with a bit more insistence.

“Why does it matter?”

“If you’re putting all this importance on your last words to him, what were his last words to you?”

Colt looked away, feeling a new wave of tears pushing to escape from his eyes. “He uh- he told me to say hi to you and that-” he sniffed, wiping at the tears streaming down his cheeks- “that he loved me. And I didn’t get to say it back.” He shuddered. “God, Jody, he- he sounded so scared and I- fucking hell, I should’ve called him. I had his number on the burner I just-” he dragged a hand down his face. “Once I found out Gail was in on it and when Ryder threatened Dan and you-”

“He did what now!?” Jody yelped.

“I was just- I was so scared that Gail was going to do something to you if Ryder saw me run and I- I couldn’t-” he blinked back more tears- “I was so distracted by trying to fake my death and you and Dan being in danger that I didn’t- I didn’t even think of trying to call him while I was trying to get back to set. And then I got back and I got my phone and I- I missed my chance. I missed my chance to say goodbye to the only person I had left.”

Jody nodded solemnly, but Colt looked up at her. “You’re making that face.”

“I’m not making a face, Colt. You’re going through-”

“You make a face when you want to say something but you’re not sure if you should.”

“I do not-”

“Yes, you do. Because you made that face before the first time you told me you loved me. So, if I have to be honest with you,” he gestured to her with a look that finished his sentence for him.

“I’m going to sound unbelievably shitty if I say it.”

“You told me I didn’t get to decide if I deserved this,” he gestured around at all the small things that she and Dan had been leaving for him, and at Jean-Claude, who now had his own bed and food bowls, thanks to Jody. “I say that you don’t get to decide if what you want to say makes you sound shitty.”

She furrowed her brow, taking a deep inhale. “You- you keep saying that Ryland was all you had left, Colt. But you’re wrong,” she took a step forward, placing a hand on his shoulder. “You have me. You have Dan. You have Jean-Claude-” the kelpie barked in agreement- “and we’re all here for you. You aren’t as alone as you think you are.”

Colt blinked a few times, backing up instinctively. “I-” he choked- “I just-”

“Colt-”

He shook his head, raising a hand. “Hold on. My turn to sound shitty,” he announced as Jody tilted her head to the side. “Ryland- Ryland didn’t let me push him away and I- I tried so hard but he just- he kept showing back up. He- he literally saved my life, Jody.” Colt glanced at her, watching her nose scrunch up. He wiped back more tears that he knew he wasn’t going to be able to stop. “After I- after the accident-”

“After Ryder basically attempted to murder you?”

“Yeah,” Colt grimaced, “that. I told you I wasn’t okay but that- that wasn’t even half of it. I put- I put Ryland through so much shit that he didn’t deserve.” His hands threaded through his blond hair. “After I pushed you away and broke up with you, I-” he inhaled sharply- “I downed an entire bottle of vicodin. I was angry at myself for breaking up with you. I was angry at Ryland for trying so hard to take care of me and keep me alive. I was angry at the world that any of it had ever happened in the first place, so I just,” he shrugged, “I was done.”

He tried not to look at Jody, who had covered her mouth in horror as tears began to prick at the corners of her eyes.

“Lucky me, they had to prescribe me narcan while I was on opioids just in case, and Ryland knew where it was, so when he found me passed out, he- he didn’t hesitate. He drove me to the ER himself because he was scared an ambulance would take too long. Didn’t sleep the entire time. When I woke up after having my stomach pumped he was there, scared shitless, and you know what I told him?”

She opened her mouth but no words could escape, so she shook her head.

“I asked him why he couldn’t just let me fucking die.” Colt sucked in a shaky breath. “My baby brother saved my fucking life and I was so angry at him for it.” He threw up his hands. “I took all of it out on him. Every fucking minute little problem I’d ever had in my life, and I threw it in his fucking face. And you know what he did? He stood there and took it. All of it. And when I’d exhausted every shitty thing I had to say, he looked at me, and told me he loved me and that he didn’t care if I hated him for the rest of my life because-”

“Because you were going to be alive,” Jody finished, and Colt looked at her bewildered.

“God, please don’t tell me-”

She shifted her weight between her legs as she shook her head. “We…had a fight while you were in emergency surgery. After the fall. They told us that there was an incredibly high chance of you being paralyzed, and I knew you would-” she paused.

“Kill myself?”

She nodded and Colt sighed. “They told us that they’d already had to bring you back twice and they asked Ryland how long he wanted them to keep trying, and he refused to let them stop. And I- I was so angry at him for doing that to you. For making you suffer for a fraction of a chance that you wouldn’t be paralyzed.” She took a breath, fanning at her face to dry the tears that were already falling. “I told him that you'd never forgive him if you woke up paralyzed. And he- he told me he could live with that, as long as you woke up. He said he needed you.”

Colt shut his eyes, nodding. “And then the asshole had to go and fucking die on me.”

Jody stayed silent, watching as Colt slammed his fist against the wall. “I should’ve stopped him! I had the chance! He came to LA with this like full, freaky, blacked out government security detail to tell me that he was getting flown out somewhere and he didn’t know when he’d be back and-”

She reached out, threading her fingers through his as he leaned his forehead against hers. “Was that the last time you saw him?”

He nods, and the sound that leaves his lips is hardly more than a broken, defeated whimper. “Yes.”

Jody ruffled his hair as Colt snored gently next to her. He’d been clinging to her since she crawled into bed next to him, silently running her fingers through his hair as he sobbed into her shoulder. He looked peaceful, for once. Not like he had the last time she’d been there. His brow wasn’t furrowed, his body wasn’t slumped over with a weight he was trying to pretend he wasn’t carrying. He looked painfully normal like this. Normal in a way that Jody knew would never exist again.

His eyes fluttered open, already glistening with tears as his breath hitched. “You’re here.”

“I told you I wasn’t leaving. I-”

She was cut off by him practically launching himself into her arms, holding her tightly. On instinct, one hand went to his hair and the other rubbed circles on his back as he relaxed into her touch. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I just- after everything I told you I had a feeling that you’d-”

Jody shook her head as he pulled away, the hand in his hair moving to cup his cheek. “There is one thing I need to talk to you about. With what you said yesterday, about the-”

“Gone,” Colt interrupted. “I put every painkiller I have in a bag and gave them to Dan. Told him I didn’t care what he did, but I needed them gone.” He sighed. “My back hurts like hell but I knew I was gonna do something stupid if I had them and- and Ryland wouldn’t be there to-” he swallowed and Jody gave him a tight smile.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

He hugged her tightly. “I didn’t- I didn’t want to,” he looked to the side. “He was your friend, Jody. I know you’re grieving too. I didn’t- I didn’t want to abandon you. Not like my father.”

She cocked her head to the side. “I thought you said he died of a heart attack. After your mom-”

“He didn’t want to live without her,” Colt interrupted. “Ry and I, we weren’t enough. He shut down after she died. I think he responded to maybe two calls from Ryland. He ignored all of mine.” He stared up at the ceiling. “He no-showed an appointment with the funeral home, so I left Ryland to do the visit and did a welfare check. Drove to the house, opened the garage-” he swallowed, wiping away a tear- “and there he was. In his car. Slumped on the dash. Keys in the ignition. Gas tank empty. I told Ry it was a heart attack, some bullshit about how he was so in love with mom that without her his body just gave up. He’d already- he’d already missed out on saying goodbye to one parent. I wasn’t going to tell him that the other never even gave us a chance.”

Jody kissed the tear that trickled down his jawline. “You never told him, did you?”

“Couldn’t. Didn’t tell him that he missed out on Mom by fifteen minutes either. I was trying to protect him. He was the golden child. Doctor Ryland Grace, with his fancy PhD and thesis and research and degrees and you know what? I was the only one who showed up when he got his masters. I was the one who showed up when he got his doctorate. I waited outside the room during his thesis defense. I watched him open up his acceptance letter for his undergrad. They just- they liked to talk about him. Liked to brag about the son that actually made something of himself.”

“You made something of yourself, Colt.”

“Not the way they wanted. Not the way anyone wanted.”

“He was proud of you,” she whispered, kissing his cheek. “He was scared to death of watching your stunts but whenever he was on set you were all he talked about. You were his big brother, Colt. He loved you so goddamn much.”

Colt took a breath, her words weighing uncomfortably on his chest. Was. Were. Loved. Past-tense. A subtle but permanent reminder that even when the scars of having half of himself ripped away started to scab over, something would always keep them from healing. They’d be like the jagged surgery scars on his back, a permanent reminder of something entirely out of his control. A permanent grave to a different future he would spend the rest of his life grieving.

Jody rested her head against his shoulder, one of her hands traveling down his arm to hold his. “It’s supposed to save the world, right? The Hail Mary?”

“That’s what he told me. Suicide mission to some star somewhere. A desperate hail mary to find out why some star isn’t dying from astrophage and send the findings back so we don’t all die.” Colt shook his head. “He was gonna do all the sciency bullshit and then he was gonna come home.”

“You ever thought about why he insisted on being part of it?”

“His kids. Easy.” Colt glanced down at her. “He would’ve moved mountains for those kids. Teaching…teaching was his passion, really. He was such a better person around them. I can see him now arguing with that red-head lady who was in charge of the project: ‘I know I’m just a middle school teacher but golly gee I don’t want my students to grow up into some freaky, apocalyptic, Mad Max world so gosh diddly-darn-it, let me help.’”

“I have a hard time believing that your brother talked like Ned Flanders,” Jody snorted.

“You had The Simpsons in England?”

“Yes, Colt. We had The Simpsons. England is not some third world country with limited access to popular media. We gave you yankees James Bond!”

“Jason Bourne puts him to shame.”

“Daniel Craig, Pierce Brosnan, Sir Roger Moore, and Sir Sean Connery are national treasures,” she hissed, smacking him in the arm. “You cannot tell me that Matt Damon holds a candle to literal knights.”

Colt shrugged and Jody shook her head. “Back to what I was saying,” she murmured. “Did you ever think he also signed on because he didn’t want his twin brother living in that freaky, apocalyptic Mad Max world?”

He blinked, staring at her. The word felt foreign on his tongue. “No. I- I didn’t.”

“Well,” she looked up at him. “If he’s still the Ryland that I remember, he absolutely thought about the world you’d be living in too. You protected him for your entire lives, think of it as him returning the favor.”

“He’s already returned the favor. Billions of times over and I- I don’t have any chance to thank him and I- I fucking miss him so much.”

Jody nodded, holding him tightly. He let his mind go blank for a moment, shutting down all of the thoughts that had been swirling around his head like a tornado of memories, grief, and anxiety. For a moment, Ryland wasn’t dead. His parents weren’t dead. He’d never fallen. He’d never had to fake his death so Tom Ryder wouldn’t frame him for murder. Nothing bad had ever happened in his life. 

It was just him and Jody.

Colt had the love of his life in his arms, and he wasn’t letting go again.

She inhaled. “Live for him,” she whispered into his hair, and Colt felt his breath hitch. “You can’t thank him, yes. But you can realize how hard he tried to keep you alive, so, to honor what he did for you, for humanity,” she rubbed her thumb over his cheek. “Live for him.”

His breath was shaky as he sucked in a breath, a tear trickling down his face. “Okay.”

She leaned against him, curled into a quilt that he’d dug out of the box under his bed just after he’d come home from Australia. Its twin was in Kazakhstan, being held by the Project, at least according to NASA and the government agent who had told him that they wouldn’t give him the final pieces of his brother. He’d sobbed for hours after that, and Jody had stayed, holding him steady. Anchoring him to then and there.

Jean-Claude was pressed against his leg, resting on an old blanket that they’d set out on the bed of his truck. The sun was hanging low over the horizon, turning the sea along the California coast into gold as the sky was painted with pinks, purples, reds, and yellows, like a watercolor painting. 

The wind ruffled through his sandy blond hair as Jody snuggled against his side, rubbing circles on the back of his hand. “It’s beautiful,” she whispered. “I’m surprised you never took me here before.”

His smile was tight. “This was, this was Ryland and I’s spot. When we lived down here.” He pointed at the sand. “We used to camp and stargaze with our grandparents right there. Ry made his first s’more and had chocolate and marshmallow all over his face.” He laughed slightly, and Jody pulled herself closer to him, letting the edge of the quilt brush against his arm.

“I never thought I’d be back here,” he whispered. “Last time-” he swallowed- “last time I was here, I was so certain it’d be the last time I would ever come here. Because I-” he bent down, face resting on the top of Jody’s head- “I wasn’t planning on ever coming home. And that was- that was the second time Ryland saved my life.”

Jody looked up at him, “Colt-”

“After he- after he saved me from the vicodin, I-” he shook his head- “I was so angry that I left immediately. I hung on for maybe a month before, before I bought,” he trailed off and Jody gasped in horror. “Yeah. I- I drove out here with it. Prepared to- to end it and I-” he blinked back the tears. “It jammed. It jammed and I- I was so shocked that I didn’t even try again, I just- I drove straight to San Francisco. I knocked on his door at two in the morning and he answered immediately.”

“Colt,” she whispered, hands fidgeting with the ends of his hair as he cried.

“I told him what I- what I tried to do and-” he sobbed- “and he hugged me. And he didn’t let me out of his sight for weeks. He dragged me into his classroom to help with the kids. He slept on the couch to keep an eye on me while I slept on the ground. He did everything for me because- because he realized how close he was to losing me and I- I never thanked him for it.”

“He wanted you to live your life,” she whispered, tracing the contours of his face with the tips of her fingers. “That’s why he did it, Colt. You know I’m right.” He nodded, and she brushed away a tear. “Just the fact that you’re living, that you’re here, is enough. You’re living for him.”

“I love you,” he whispered, letting his head rest on top of hers as his eyes fluttered closed.

“Promise me something?”

Colt glanced to the side, seeing Ryland with his knees tucked against his chest, hand resting on top of Lucy’s head, scratching behind the chocolate lab's ears as she snuggled against him. He sniffled, nodding as his twin brother reached out to rest a hand on his shoulder, and Colt didn’t flinch away.

“Promise me,” he insisted, “that you’ll spend the rest of your life with her. And that you don’t push her, or Dan, or anyone else away. Because I don’t want you to be alone, Colt. Just because-” he leaned in wrapping an arm around him as Colt rested his head on his shoulder- “I’m not here anymore doesn’t mean you’re alone. You have them, you have so many people with you, Colt.”

“But I don’t have you,” he whispered. “I need-”

Ryland shook his head. “I’m here, Colt,” he whispered, pressing a hand over his twin brother’s heart. “And I know that it’s never going to be enough, but just- just promise me that I won’t see you for a while.”

“What do you-”

“I’m not ready to have you here with me,” he said softly. “And I know there will be days where you think you’re ready, when it’s too much, but promise me-” he blinked, and Colt’s heart ached as he saw a tear trickle down his brother’s face. “Promise me that you won’t leave Jody before your time. Promise me that you’ll take your time.”

Colt nodded slightly, holding his baby brother in a tight hug. His hands traced the outline of the red foxes on the back of his cardigan, the worn fibers soft against his touch like they had been the last time he’d seen Ryland. Before normal became a distant, painful memory. “Ryland,” he sobbed.

“I’m not going anywhere, Colt. I’ll be waiting for you here. But I’m not ready for you yet.”

He nodded, choking back another sob as Ryland pressed his forehead against his. “I love you, big brother.”

“I love you too, Ryland.” He felt Ryland let go, slowly slipping out of his grasp as he squeezed his eyes shut. “Thank you. For everything.”

He opened his eyes, looking back out at the horizon. The Sun had set and the darkened night sky was dotted with thousands of stars and Colt instinctively began to trace the constellations. “That one,” he heard Ryland say as he looked down, seeing two boys, that were the spitting image of the two of them when they were young, sitting next to each other. Their matching quilts wrapped around their shoulders. He and his ten-year-old self followed Ryland’s finger. “Is Cetus, the whale.”

“Doesn’t look like a whale,” Colt scoffed.

“Ask the Greeks,” Ryland sighed, nudging him slightly. He pointed again at one of the stars at the bottom of the constellation. “That one is Tau Ceti. Scientists think that it’s really similar to our Sun, and it’s only twelve light-years away. We have a bunch of radio signals going out there, just in case there’s life out there.” He pointed at another star. “That one is 40 Eridani, it’s where the Vulcans are from in Star Trek.”

“Nerd.”

Ryland elbowed him again. “We’ve been sending out radio signals to both of those stars since the sixties because they’re both really similar to the sun. They think that maybe because they’re so similar, there might be aliens out there.”

“Do you think aliens are real?” Colt asked.

He shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe we’ll go there and see.”

Colt smiled at the two boys and closed his eyes again. He opened them again as he turned to the side to look at where Ryland had been sitting, only to be met with a red fox, staring silently at him.

He didn’t flinch at the animal, instead slowly reaching out for it. The fox took a step forward, leaning into Colt’s touch. The tears came fast after that as the fox purred as Colt scratched behind its ears. “Hey Ry,” he whispered, wiping at his eyes. “I’ll take my time. I promise. But you-” he inhaled shakily- “you gotta wait here, okay? It’ll be like fifty years and I know you get bored and-”

The fox yipped and Colt couldn’t fight the laugh that escaped his lips. “Okay, okay. You just- you’ve gotta be here when I get here. Okay? Promise?”

Another chitter escaped the animal as he stepped back, which Colt interpreted as a yes. The fox bowed to him, and then scampered off down the beach, leaving him by himself. Colt swallowed once again, staring up at the stars. “I hope it’s nice up there, Ry,” he said softly. “Mom and Dad are probably up there with you, I think. They’ve probably missed you a bunch, maybe-” he wiped at his eyes- “maybe more than I do but, but I miss you, Ryland. I’m always gonna miss you.” He rested his hand over his heart. “But I’ll- I’ll try to make you proud okay? Make everything you did for me worth it.”

He stared up at one of the stars Ryland had pointed out to him all those years ago. He thinks it’s Tau Ceti, the one that was part of the constellation that some Greek person said was a whale thousands of years ago, and had left Ryland with trying to explain how some ovals could possibly be a whale to his twin brother. The one that the Hail Mary was hurtling towards, taking three crew: a pilot, an engineer, and a science officer trained by his twin brother to find out what was happening, and send back a way to save the world. Ryland had died for that mission, and all Colt could hope was that it wouldn’t be in vain.

“I’ll see you in a while, Ryland,” Colt breathed, one final tear slipping down the side of his face. “I love you.”