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That scream.
That bloodcurdling scream. The kind that forms in the back of your throat and rubs against your esophagus like sandpaper as it rises to your lips. The kind that is the volume of a gunshot. The kind that comes in waves as your body processes the pain of it. The pain of decayed arms. The pain of slipping on your own blood as you desperately try to get back up. The pain of the torn flesh pressing against the dirt.
That scream when you know you can’t go back. When the weight of the world has torn you apart time and time again and now this has become your responsibility. When the privilege to feel hurt is stripped away from you.
Izuku Midoriya is haunted. That scream lives in his mind. It constantly replays like the worst song you’ve ever heard. Every waking moment is filled by the scream that’s trapped in his mind, to the point that it’s become white noise that physically hurts to listen to.
As a result, Izuku’s mind frequently wanders. as it leaves the weight of war behind, a new Izuku emerges, one that cannot be plagued by memories of screams and pain. One that sits in front of Katsuki at 10:30 at night babbling incoherently.
This is the second time this has ever happened around Katsuki. He has no idea what’s going on, nor what to do about it. Less than five minutes ago, they were cuddling on his bed in a comfortable silence. with Izuku laying atop his chest, everything seemed okay— good even, but something in Izuku’s eye had shifted, his voice took on a higher register as he shattered the silence.
“Ba?”
“Hm?”
“Baba,”
“What?”
“Baba s’eepy,”
Katsuki shifts his position, releasing his arms around Izuku to push himself up in his bed, and Izuku notices.
“No s’eepy?” he meets his gaze.
“The hell are you saying? Just talk normally, weirdo,”
“K’cchan I’m s’eepy,”
“Fuck, you’re not doing this again, are you? Come on Izuku, just talk to me,” His tone grew more frustrated as he removed Izuku from on top of him, separating from their cuddle.
Confused, Izuku reaches for him with that juvenile whine that always meant something worse was about to come. As tears fill his eyes, he clutches and pulls on his shirt with the strength his brain doesn’t understand he still has. Katsuki grabs his wrists and pulls them away from himself, grasping them firmly.
“Stop crying, nerd. Just fucking tell me what’s wrong.”
The aggression triggered the waterworks. Tears spilled out of his eyes and fell down his face in a torrential rain as he quickly lost control over his breath. With loud sobs, Izuku desperately tries to release himself from Katsuki's grip and begins to scream when he can’t.
Shocked by his volume, Katsuki releases his hands, watching in horror as he immediately begins to repeatedly hit his own head with his fists, still screaming bloody murder. In a panic, Katsuki restrains Izuku’s hands again.
Fuck
Squirming and screaming, Izuku is no longer present. Katsuki racks his brain, desperately trying to figure out what’s going on and how he can stop it. He changes his grip from his wrist to his hands, interlocking their fingers. Izuku squeezes like he was holding on for dear life.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,”
Izuku rocks back and forth, trying to soothe himself with rambles of nonsense sounds he repeats with no apparent rhyme or reason.
“Baby, I’m right here.”
“K’cchan,” He musters through his blubbers. Katsuki pulls him back into a cuddle, tightly wrapping his arms around the boy in case he tries to hurt himself again. “Shh, shh, it’s okay baby,”
The screams quieted back to cries.
The blond softly hums a note, the vibrations through his chest and neck grounding Izuku. While Katsuki was never gifted with musical talent, a few hums weren’t going to kill him. Once calmed down, he tries to check in with his partner.
“Izuku, baby, what’s wrong?”
“Baba I’m s’eepy.”
Sigh
“Are you sleeping here tonight?”
“Uh-huh,”
Katsuki wasn’t going to fight him.
“Good night baby,”
“G’nigh K’cchan,”
In the comfort of each other’s arms, they lull themselves to sleep by the sounds of their overlapping breaths.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
The next morning, when Katsuki awoke, he noticed Izuku was nowhere to be found. With school starting in less than an hour, he sends Izuku a text before he gets ready. Thirty seconds later, a soft buzz emitted through a pile of blankets. Sure enough, a quick search proved yet another inconvenience for him. Izuku left his phone in Katsuki’s room. With a sigh, he finishes getting ready and goes to his homeroom class.
At the first sight of his partner, he waves at him and gestures for him to come over. He doesn’t. In fact, he pretended to not even see it. Surprised and (mildly) offended, he takes initiative yet again and approaches Izuku mid-conversation with Uraraka. Upon closer inspection, he saw a bruise forming on the side of his forehead, where he kept hitting himself.
“Nerd,”
“Hm,” he acknowledges.
“You forgot your phone last night,” he pulls it from his pocket to hand it to Izuku.
He takes it, “Oh. Thanks,”
He then continues the conversation like he isn’t there. What the hell?
“...How are you?”
“Can we please talk later?” He fires back, clearly frustrated.
“Yeah, sure,” Katsuki awkwardly walks away, genuinely dumbfounded.
He takes his seat, confused and a little heartbroken.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
As usual, Izuku couldn’t focus in class. He hadn’t been able to focus for months now, not with that scream in his head. His grades suffered immensely since the end of the war, and it tormented him almost every waking moment.
When didn’t it?
When he regresses.
There must’ve been something about his recent eighteenth birthday and the looming expectation of adulthood that became the final straw, the thing that cracked his brain completely.
It still terrifies Izuku when it happens. While it was undoubtedly his brain trying to relax and cope with the weight of every expectation placed upon him, the feeling of the slip brings him so much panic. This uncontrollable dissociation that he can’t stop himself from doing, where he loses himself.
But it’s the only time he isn’t haunted by that scream.
There’s a part of him that wants to accept it. To slip deeper and release all the tension his body refuses to forget, but how does he tell Katsuki? The first time this happened, it was weird, but it went away fast enough that Izuku could just deny it. Last night though, that was beyond deniability. He was embarrassed, ashamed, even disgusted by himself. Yet, at the same time, he felt rejected by Katsuki. Izuku knew he handled it the best he could, but he didn’t want that to happen ever again. Falling into a vulnerable state like that…it can’t happen around anyone else. It didn’t matter how many times he had to listen to his own scream because it’s better than losing his favorite person in the world. What if he lost Katsuki? What if this was his limit?
God, fighting with your boyfriend always sucks. All you want is to cuddle him and for him to comfort you, but you can’t because you’re supposed to be mad at him. Ugh.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
Lunch. Izuku sat at his usual large table with all of his friends. To be expected, Katsuki sat down next to him. Izuku noticeably tensed up and shyly looked down at the table in front of him.
“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” he began, “I just want you to know I’m not mad at you.”
“I’m not mad either.”
“Can you look at me?”
Izuku ashamedly shook his head.
“May I kiss you?”
He nods.
Katsuki kisses Izuku’s temple, and drops the conversation for now. They didn’t talk the rest of the school day, but both of them felt a little better knowing they weren’t mad.
Once the sun had begun to set, Izuku heard the dreaded knock on his dorm door. With a deep breath, he lets Katsuki in.
“Can we talk?”
“Yeah,”
Katsuki sits on Izuku’s bed while he takes back his spot at his desk chair, swivelling back and forth. There was a moment of silence while they were both trying to form sentences.
“What’s going on?” Katsuki asks.
“I don’t really know how to explain it,”
“Why not?”
“It’s really weird, and embarrassing,”
“No judgements here,”
“Promise?”
“Promise,”
Izuku takes a deep breath, before ripping off the bandage, “It’s age regression,”
Katsuki nods understandingly, waiting for more information.
“It just kinda happens, I don’t have any control. I’ve been trying to learn what I can about it, but whenever I try to look something up, I just feel like a creep,”
“Why?”
“‘Cause that’s what creeps do! They lurk and stuff,”
“You’re not a creep, Izu,”
“But what if I am?”
“But what if you’re not?”
That paused Izuku for a second. Surprisingly, the question stumped him. For a good few seconds, he appeared to stare at the floor, zoning out.
“So, what do you know about it?” Katsuki asks.
“Hm?”
“About age regression,”
“Oh, right. Um…” He trailed off for a few seconds. “People can have triggers that make them regress, but for others it’s a choice,”
“But it isn’t for you?”
“Correct,”
“Okay,”
“And a lot of them have caregivers. But it’s not like you have to do that…or anything…I’m fine on my own,”
“Do you ever regress without me around?”
“Only a few times,”
“How does it end?”
Izuku thinks about this for a moment. He doesn’t want to lie, but he also doesn’t want to make him feel guilty.
“Not…great,” He finally says.
“What happens?”
“...It’s really embarrassing,”
“It’s okay,”
“Well, I don’t usually remember it very well. It’s just bits and pieces”
“Like…?”
“Well, um, once…when I came to…I had…a bit of an accident…”
“Izu,” His tone softened with concern and hurt.
“I know! I know! I hate it! I’m embarrassing and disgusting!”
“Hey, hey, listen to me,”
He sniffles as a tear drips down his cheek, but he listens.
“It’s okay, we can work through this together.”
“But I don’t want you to feel obligated to take that responsibility,”
“I can’t let you do that to yourself,”
“Do what?”
“Neglect. If this is how life is going to be for you, I can’t let you go unsupervised, that’s gotta be dangerous,”
“I can just avoid my triggers, then I won’t regress!”
“What are they?”
“I don’t know…yet. But I will. Soon,”
Katsuki stands up from Izuku’s bed to approach him in the desk chair. He kneels to be on eye level with him, giving his final plea.
“Please, baby. Let me do this for you. We can learn together. I will never judge you, especially for something beyond your control. If you’ll let me, I would love to be your caregiver.”
“But—”
“No buts. Please.”
“...Okay.”
“Can I kiss you?”
“Of course,”
To punctuate the conversation, the boys give each other a light peck on the lips. That was an awkward, but necessary conversation. Izuku raises his hand and laughs at the sight of it.
“I’m shaking so bad,” he says.
“Let’s breathe for a minute, yeah?”
Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold. 1, 2, 3, 4. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold. 1, 2, 3, 4. Repeat.
Once officially calmed down, they migrate over to Izuku’s bed where he once again lay on top of Katsuki’s chest. A final decompression from a stressful day.
“I’m sorry about the way I reacted last night,”
“‘S okay,”
“I promise I won’t do it again,”
“Thank you,”
Katsuki kisses the top of his head and falls back into their comfortable silence. It couldn’t have even been two full minutes until it happened again.
“Baba?”
“Hi, baby,”
“Baba s’eepy?”
Katsuki still doesn’t know what that means. As he ponders, he feels a finger poke his cheek.
“Baba?”
“...Am I baba?
“Baba!”
Baba s’eepy Katsuki replays in his mind.
Oh. Duh.
“I’m very sleepy.”
“Baba s’eepy,” Izuku repeats, content with his assertion of things.
Now that he’s thinking about it, he’s never seen Izuku this comfortable, this relaxed, this calm. While he knew there was still much to learn and many more awkward conversations, this didn’t seem so bad after all.
There was nothing in the world that could stop him from loving Izuku.