Chapter Text
“If I cannot experience the simple joys of life, why should anyone else?”
Allura once thought that. To hear it from Honerva, someone so different from herself, slid the final piece into place. Before this it was clashing swords and heads, messy words twisted from centuries of pain. Pain Allura knew well, and pain Honerva struggled to locate.
Without Coran, without the paladins— no, without this family they had built— Allura can’t help but think she would’ve turned out the same. Unable to move on without her parents, without her whole planet, even the small flowers that grew in her dreams. That sort of pain isn’t easy to handle on your own. And easy is an understatement.
Allura struggled after the cryo-freeze. She had lost everything, well, except for the anger and guilt simmering within her mind. She was so determined then to defeat Zarkon, but not because of what he was doing now but what he had done 10,000 deca-phoeb’s ago. In truth, Allura was still stuck in that cryo-pod. Like those earth butterflies Hunk told her about. Using all that energy breaking out of a chrysalis only to be more fragile than they once were. Allura sure felt fragile.
She got so angry, she was so tough on the very few people she had who cared. She was so caught up in her ‘revenge’ to notice she was hurting people. How she treated the paladins, humans who were just trying to form a bond with her. Trying to show that they cared.
Family. Allura’s parents were no longer the first people to imagine when she heard that word. That stung, to think she was moving on or forgetting her parents. She knows now that’s not what was happening. Allura was getting better. Was that scary? Of course, but it was also reassuring in some twisted way. Family was a word she related to the paladins now. Coran, Shiro, Hunk, Lance, Pidge, and Keith, but also Romelle, Shay, and even Lotor for those days he shifted her perspective. They all played a part in who she was now. That’s what Honerva was missing, what she was forgetting.
Allura dug into herself, pulled at the quintessence. She searched Honerva, tugging at any memories she could grasp. Pulling to the surface what Honerva was scared to face. Reminding her that there was a time before the pain. Then Allura dug into herself, presenting the other Altean with her own memories. The ones of Lotor, of his own dreams he chased, and the hard truth that Honerva had failed him. A thread of memories both silky and sharp, a remembrance of everything before now.
To know who you are now you must face who you were before. Honerva wasn’t always Haggar, but Haggar was always Honerva. There was a time back before, when Honerva desired to learn about her world to help others. There was a time before, when Honerva hid beneath Haggar so her consequences hurt less. There was a time when Haggar began to care for Lotor like Honerva should’ve. But there was a time now, when Honerva chose a path to destroy rather than to honor her son. So Allura showed her the choice she made and the choices ahead. It wasn’t a forceful shove, but Allura’s guiding hand that made her understand. That helped her locate the pain. The final piece of herself.
“I’m sorry,” Honerva’s voice, not Haggar’s, cut through the tension. Full of regret, numbed but calm, more herself than she had been in deca-phoebs. “But the damage is done. There’s nothing left to save.”
“I can change the quintessence within your vessel,” Allura answered, recalling her own memories with Lotor. “Your son helped me learn how to transform it from a destructive force into a life-giving force.”
She may have learned how to do it, but transforming quintessence of that quantity would take far more energy than Allura had. “But I cannot do it alone.”
Honerva finally looked at Allura with more parental concern than they had ever seen the Altean show. It didn’t make Allura’s decision any easier. “But, that would require…”
“I know the risks,” Allura cut her off, folding her hands in front of her. Taking a deep breath as she prepared to explain the ‘risks’ to the paladins.
“I’m afraid this is where we part ways,” Allura spoke to the paladins in a calm tone. She stayed professional, the diplomat she had always been. You’d never suspect what was happening by her tone alone.
The words of disbelief and disagreement from the paladins twisted the blade nestled in her rib cage. It hurt more to see their reactions than to make the choice that caused them. If there was another way, Allura would take it in a second. Anything to keep her family from the pain that would come of this.
“This is our only chance to undo what has been done, to save all of existence,” Allura explained, stepping up to the paladins with a bitter-sweet smile, “I have to take it. It is my purpose.”
Allura had trust in them, that’s what made the choice easier. She knew they would get better, that they’d continue to grow and change together. Even if it meant she had to stay behind. Maybe wherever she ended up she could watch how they changed. Maybe one day they would end up together again. Family has a way of finding each other. Right?
The universe answered. Allura felt a tangled thread of quintessence pulsate within herself. She tugged at it gently, unraveling a collection of memories. Except they weren’t memories, at least not ones yet made. More so a premonition of what was to come. An insight into what Allura would be missing. The universe itself, wounded and limping, using the small power it had left to comfort Allura. And instead of her life flashing before her eyes she saw the lives of her friends, of her family. She learned the mistakes she made, and the mistakes her friends were bound to make. Every unknown twisted into understanding. It showed her the reality of life whenever Allura no longer stood in its future. Yet not a single second passed for the people around her.
“Your paths go on,” Allura felt more peace than she had at any moment during this long war. She let go of herself, and put all her faith into the paladins standing before her. In fact, she put her faith into every soul in her universe. She felt the hope of each soul tangled into the destiny of life. And at this moment, Allura had more family than she could have ever hoped for. “Mine ends here.”
“But there is no Voltron without you,” Hunk argued, his same sorrowful expression mirrored on the line of paladins beside him. How could anyone let go of someone they considered closer than family? Someone they created memories with, saved planets with, someone who taught them how to save themselves.
“Voltron isn’t needed anymore,” Allura answered, stepping over to Hunk. She kept her voice calm, gentle. That was the truth, Voltron wasn’t needed in a universe without war. That was more reassuring in itself than the moments ahead. “The rest of the work is up to the people.”
“And they’ll have you to guide them, Hunk,” She placed a hand on his cheek, a familial touch. A reminder that regardless of this situation Allura still held a bond with the paladins. That she had trust they would grow from this, that Hunk could fix the relationships of the post-war reality. She wrapped her arms around the yellow paladin in one final hug. Hunk had always been the best at those, and this one was no different. It may have been the last hug, but it felt like the first to Allura.
“Goodbye, Pidge,” Allura continued down the line when Hunk let go. Stepping closer to the youngest paladin.
“I’m gonna miss you, Allura,” They answered, voice cracking halfway through the sentence. A voice that truly reminded Allura how young Pidge was, and how much the green paladin had done regardless. There was no doubt in Allura that Pidge would keep growing, keep learning, and keep teaching the universe in their own way.
Allura bent down, wrapping her arms gently around the shorter paladin. She knew Pidge wouldn’t hug back, they had a habit of hating on ‘final goodbyes’, but the tears sliding from their eyes was enough for the princess. She knew this was how Pidge said goodbye, and she didn’t expect anything more or less from them. “Remain curious and fearless.”
Allura stepped carefully back from Pidge. Allowing Hunk to reassure the green paladin as the princess continued down the line. She stepped up to Shiro, possibly the calmest presence in this space.
“Most of them won’t know the sacrifice you made so they could live,” He spoke calmly, certain. A fact Allura had already considered. She was okay with that, she didn’t need a reputation for her choice. She wanted to keep her new family safe, even if she’d be forgotten.
“And they’ll never need to,” Allura answered just as calmly. She leaned into Shiro’s hug. They always reminded her of her father. The hugs he would give before she fell asleep, the hugs he would give when she caught up to him in the field of Juniberries, and the one before the cryo-freeze. Her father would have loved to meet Shiro. “Your selflessness taught me that. Thank you.”
“You never have to thank me for anything,” Shiro’s voice cracked just once. More sorrow from that one break in his calm presence than Allura had ever heard from the paladin. She had to hold back her own tears when Shiro tightened his arms around her just slightly before letting go.
“Keith,” Allura continued before she could break down completely. Taking a deep breath as she stepped toward the next paladin. Allura and Keith were similar in a lot of ways, but different in just as many. Those differences led to many arguments and hurtful comments neither of them really meant. It was the only brotherly bond Allura knew, and she wouldn’t have it any other way. “I cannot thank you enough for all you’ve given me.”
“Allura, when you accepted me, it helped me to accept myself,” Keith answered, leveling the princess with a thankful gaze. It stung to be reminded that Allura had once doubted Keith. That she had reacted in that horrible way when he needed their support the most. She wishes she could go back and fix her actions, but that would get them nowhere right now. They had mended the bond Allura had tried to sever already, and that was good enough. “Thank you.”
The princess pulled Keith into a hug. She knew he wouldn’t hug like Hunk or Shiro. He wrapped his arms around Allura in a half hug. Gentle as if he didn’t know how to properly do it, or hesitant as if he was scared someone would hate his embrace. And a part of Allura felt safe knowing that even in her final moments that hadn’t changed. That not everything is changing right now. “There is greatness in your heart and in your actions.”
Allura took a deep breath when she finally stepped towards Lance. A moment she had been dreading. She gently took his hands into her own, staring down at their feet. That snippet of premonitions the universe had given her answered a question she had been trying to avoid. A confirmation that what she had hoped for wasn’t what was intended. It was hard to understand that part of herself, that part of their relationship.
“No,” Lance pleaded, jaw clenching as he refused to accept that Allura was saying her final goodbyes. The princess felt his plea shake her core. She wanted to say so many things, to sit down and explain it all to Lance. To hold his hand until he was ready to step forward without her. However, Allura couldn’t help him through this. Lance would have to learn on his own, to find his own path. The paladin had a habit of letting others guide him instead of building his own way. Allura couldn’t help him through that. Their relationship wouldn’t help either of them through that. “Allura, there- there has to be another way.”
“There is no other way,” Allura finally looked up. She met Lance’s lost gaze. A pain in his eyes she wished she could take away. Yet Lance needed to fix that pain himself. He had to find himself before he could truly love someone. And Allura was more than okay with that being someone else. They both needed this. Lance would heal, he would find himself, he wouldn’t be held back by his own need to follow in someone’s footsteps. Allura had the confirmation that he would, and she finally understood the things she’s been trying to bury for so long. And that was more than Allura could ask for. “This is all we have.”
“But you’re too important to the cause,” Lance choked out, trying hard to cling to the belief he could change her mind. That they could fix what was. Allura tilted her head, pressing their foreheads together as Lance struggled to find his next words. For once, the charismatic paladin didn’t know what to say. How to keep Allura. What he needed to understand is that he can’t keep her forever. Letting go isn’t an easy thing, but for most… it’s necessary. “You’re- you’re too important to me.”
“I’ll always be with you, Lance,” Allura answered, her voice finally cracking as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. She hoped that was true. That no matter what, Allura could still watch over Lance. Even if it wasn’t meant for them to stay together, they had learned from one another and you can’t learn if you don’t make mistakes.
“And I’ll always love you,” To anyone else it sounded like a normal goodbye between lovers, but the way Allura spoke it was different than it had been days before. It had a different tone, a different meaning, a sign of the end of one love and the beginning of another. Allura’s gaze lifted to meet Lance’s tear filled eyes. Her hands moving to cup his face in a gentle hold. And when they kissed it wasn’t a promise but an end to what once was. Closure. Even if Lance wasn’t ready for it yet.
The Altean markings on Lance’s face when she leaned back wasn’t a sign of their love for each other. It was a gift from Allura. She transferred a piece of her own quintessence to Lance because he needed it more. Her path ended here, but his would go on for deca-pheobs. So she transferred the years she had left of her life to Lance. He may not know that yet, or know why when he figures out what she did, but Allura saw his path ahead. She knew he would need a life longer than humans typically had, and she had life to give. So, no, it wasn’t a sign of their eternal love, but a sign that Allura was giving what she had to help Lance find himself. Because in the end, there wasn’t much else she could do to help him through this journey.
Allura stepped back with a gentle smile, glancing over all her friends. Except that wasn’t all her friends. Her heart stung when she realized she hadn’t even said a proper goodbye to Coran… to Romelle. The two Alteans Allura had clung to. They had called themselves the last, and even if they know now there’s more Altean’s, that connection doesn’t just disappear in a night.
She couldn’t even give Coran, her closest thing to an uncle, a simple goodbye. She couldn’t even return one of Romelle’s energetic hugs or tell the closest thing she had to a best friend that it would all be okay. She couldn’t even see Shay for the last time. She wouldn’t be there to make sure Coran wouldn’t feel guilty when the very princess he swore to protect left this universe before himself. She wouldn’t be there to hold Romelle close and calm her panicked rambling, to stop her from overthinking, to distract her mind with more curious things on Earth. She wouldn’t be there to help Shay restore the Balmera or to witness her learn what freedom was. All she could do was hope they would help each other. And that loss of closure stung more than saying goodbye to the paladins.
“Paladins, would you tell Coran that my father is proud and I am grateful for all that he has done for me?” Allura asked gently, her eyes flicking down to her feet. More tears fell from her eyes as the fear began to sink into her bones. Without Coran at her back, she didn’t know how to do this. She wiped the tears from her cheeks as each paladin nodded in understanding. The princess still hesitated before she decided to speak again.
“And would you help Shay with the Balmera? Coran should know where I placed her instructions,” Allura continued with a nervous glance at her feet. Even with the universe proving that her friends would be okay, the princess couldn’t help but fear leaving them in the dark. She trailed off for a moment, lost in the growing pool of fear in her stomach.
“Would you also tell Romelle that meeting her gave me hope, that her friendship filled a part of me I never imagined could be filled?” Allura finally whispered, her voice cracking as her emotions threatened to boil over. Everything told her to run, to escape, to see them again. Romelle had filled a gap Allura had since given up on filling. Romelle was the first Altean other than Coran she met after the cryo-freeze. The first sign of hope, the first sign that Allura hadn’t failed her planet.
Romelle wasn’t only an ‘Altean’ though. She had curiosity that Allura admired, even if she tended to get a little too curious. She treated Allura like a friend, as if she had known the princess for deca-phoebes already. For once Allura had a friendship that didn’t feel forced, that didn’t feel like she had to impress or to mentor. In fact, Romelle had an energy that allowed the princess to relax. Days when she would over work herself it was Romelle who suggested a night off. It was Romelle who encouraged Allura to date Lance. It was that curious and anxious Altean girl who held Allura together so silently that she hadn’t even noticed. The princess didn’t know friendships like those were hers to keep. That she was allowed to have them after failing the Alteans. Romelle filled that gap Allura had been searching for, and she couldn’t even give the girl a proper goodbye.
Of course the paladins just nodded, watching with tears in their eyes. Allura forced her mind to slow, to take a deep breath. She gave a final nod to the paladins before turning. Walking alongside Honerva as they stepped into the quintessence that pulsated around the group.
She felt her nerves calm when her father’s form faded into view. When the old paladins of Voltron stood with quiet smiles and approving stares. She felt a smile lift the corners of her mouth when she saw Honerva step over to her family. When Zarkon and Lotor greeted her with grins instead of frowns. Two people more alike than they’d admit, stepping into the arms of their lost family. Letting the quintessence within themselves latch onto the destructive force Honerva had used earlier.
Allura felt safe, happy. Even as he nerves burned with quintessence, as the world grew bright. Her mind slowed as her final moments played. As the destructive energy shifted into something softer, almost motherly in feel. She let her eyes flutter closed as she felt the universe hum in thanks. Memories played in her mind. Meeting the paladins, teaching them, messing around with them, learning to let loose around her new family. Being both a leader and a friend. And in the end there was one person who led her thought. One person the memories lingered on. One face that burned into the back of her eyes.
Romelle.
Allura forced her eyes open, straining against the burning strength of the quintessence. Searching frantically for the paladins. She barely heard Honerva tell her to focus. Set on trying to reach her family. Only the paladins were already fading, and fast. She tried to call out to them, to ask them to pass one last message. No words came from her throat, only a silent sob that wracked her lungs as the world around her brightened with the twisting hunger of the quintessence. She watched Lance close his eyes as he faded last. The one chance she had, and she was still too late. The universe hadn’t solved every question she had, because it knew she had to figure this one out on her own.
Allura stopped fighting the quintessence, dropping to her knees. Her shoulders slumping and ears drooping as she closed her eyes. A single tear slipping from the tips of her eyelashes, sliding down her cheek. Dripping off her chin and hitting the bright white floor with a sizzle. She clenched her jaw and tilted her head up to the sky. Hoping that somehow her message would be heard. That somehow the universe would have mercy on its savior. Allure mouthed one last sentence as her father rested a hand on her shoulder. As the quintessence twisted once then exploded into smoldering energy. As the universe used up her soul to fix itself.
Allura only had one regret in death.
The failure to label her own feelings.