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Jeongin knew Seungmin wouldn't answer his repeated knocks—it had probably been the fifth or seventh time he'd knocked today.
But like Chan said, maybe he should do something more than just knock this time, since everyone else had tried and it hadn't yielded any meaningful results. He should try to start a conversation; something no one else had done. Start a conversation. It was easy—it wasn't like this was the first time. At least each of the members had been in this situation, himself included, and there was always only one solution.
"Hyung," he called softly. "Are you there?"
Silence.
Maybe Seungmin didn't want to talk—to anyone. Maybe they should just let him be. Maybe he—
"Yeah."
Jeongin hadn't realized he'd been holding his breath and only let it out this time. "… Oh. You're there."
"Yeah." Seungmin repeated, "Yes, I'm here."
"… It's nice to hear your voice after so long."
"… Um. I'm here, and I'm fine. Everything's fine."
Both of them clearly knew it was a lie. The youngest cleared his throat repeatedly, unclenching his fists which were clutching at empty air. "I don't really know what to say… I don't know what I need to say, but maybe if you don't mind, could you come to the door? You don't have to open it. Well, you know, we could sit here, leaning against the door like we always do when we try to make up after a fight. Um… only if you want, of course."
Then he heard Seungmin's laugh—the one he missed so much—waft through the air, which was starting to feel lighter, even for him. "Okay."
Jeongin chuckled softly, somewhat amused. He heard a slight noise from behind the door, probably Seungmin trying to get comfortable by leaning against it as he requested. As quietly as possible, Jeongin did the same and leaned over to the other side. From here, through all the silence that enveloped them, he could hear Seungmin's steady breathing—though it was faintly audible that he had been crying.
"...You're not going to ask why I'm here?" he asked.
"Well," Seungmin said, "you wanted to talk to me."
"Oh," Jeongin said nervously. "Well... yeah, that's right. The hyungs asked me to talk to you."
"I'm one of your hyungs."
"The rest, then," the youngest said simply. He blinked in realization, then quickly added, "It's not like I'm here now just because they asked, or that I don't want to talk to you. I want to; I always want to, it's just... you know, I'm a bit... awkward when it comes to these things, and I don't have the talent to talk about things like this. Something that touches you or might make you feel... better, you know."
Again, he heard Seungmin chuckle from across the room. "Then why are you here, anyway?"
"Because three of them are afraid they'll cry before they can say what they need to say. Kitty-hyung is afraid he'll start a fight with you in his attempt to get the message across—because he knows you too well; we all know you too well. And the other two… are afraid the message won't get through because once they see you like this, the first thing they'll do is comfort you. And I…"
"You're Jeongin," Seungmin said softly. "Maknae. Our maknae. Our sweetest maknae. My maknae."
Jeongin laughed dryly. "Yes, I can tell. I'm Jeongin; Stray Kids' maknae, your maknae, and I can't speak very well. But, you know, I can try."
"… Thank you."
"No, no—you can't say 'thank you' now. I haven't even started yet."
So Seungmin waited, but what came after was silence. A comfortable silence like every silence that always accompanied them. Sometimes they don't need to speak, and Seungmin's heart can just feel lighter. But clearly, after all that brief speech, Jeongin wasn't here just to let the silence envelop them for too long.
"I saw your message on bubble."
"Oh, should I be happy that our maknae subscribed to my bubble?"
"No, no!" Jeongin quickly denied. "I didn't subscribe it. I saw it through fan posts; quite a few on social media. And…"
"And?"
Jeongin looked down at the floor, drawing circular patterns with his finger, mostly to calm his own nerves. Quietly, he said, "And I think you're blaming yourself—again."
"Not 'again'."
"Yes—'again'! You do that a lot, you know?"
"Well…" Seungmin choked. "This one does seem a bit like my fault, anyway."
"How is it your fault?"
"Um, you know… because I'm not getting better?" Seungmin asked rhetorically. "I try everything, but it feels like I'm still here—nothing changes, nothing gets better."
"Oh, Hyung," Jeongin said sadly. "It's never your fault."
A silence fell between them again—perhaps Jeongin trying to form words and Seungmin drowning in his guilt again.
"… You know you're already perfect, right, Hyung?"
"Am I?" Seungmin asked quietly.
"Yeah, of course," Jeongin said quickly. "Even if…"
"Even if what?"
"Even if you're sick," he added cautiously. "Besides, you know, you'll get better someday. So, um, so it's okay."
"… Maybe I'm going to sound like I'm… making light of your feelings because I know we've all been there, but…" Seungmin took a deep breath and continued, "but like I said in my bubble, as someone who's experiencing it now, those words… kind of… hurt me more. 'Someday' when I have a team and fans waiting for me to return to the stage. When exactly is that 'someday', Jeongin-ah? I'm still here, still like this, and… not yet healed."
The dust on the floor beneath Jeongin's feet cleared as the endless circle pattern he was drawing showed just how nervous he was.
"Hyung, I think…" he said, so quietly that Seungmin could barely hear him, "what you need to know is… that… uh, that no matter how long it takes—we'll wait; we can always wait. We're always here—we're always here where you are. You don't have to rush."
"… And what if I never fully recover? What if I stay like this for the rest of my life?"
Jeongin's fingers stopped moving. He knew the answer—his hyungs knew the answer, and he figured Seungmin always knew it, too. "If that's the case… even if that's the case, what will change?" he asked. "You're still… You're still Stray Kids' Seungmin. STAY's Seungmin. One of my hyungs—the youngest hyung. You're still my hyung, Minnie-hyung. You're still part of us, no matter what."
He heard the figure behind the door start to sniffle slightly. "You said you couldn't say anything good," Seungmin said with a chuckle. "Can't say anything touching."
Jeongin blinked. "Did that actually sound touching for you?"
"Pabo," Seungmin said with amusedment, though Jeongin could still faintly hear the slight sniffle.
"… Are you feeling better, Hyung?"
"Yeah. A little."
"Oh? Just a little?"
Seungmin laughed, a little louder this time. "That really helps me feel better. More than I could have imagined."
"Oh," Jeongin said quietly. "Does that mean… you know, does that mean you can come out of your room?"
There was a moment of silence before Seungmin answered. "Maybe you could give me more time, Jeongin-ah? Just let me stay here for a while. I'll come out once I'm calmer. But I really appreciate it. Thank you for your words."
"Well, it wasn't just my concern," Jeongin said awkwardly. "That's what everyone wants to say. Members. STAYs. Staff. So I hope you know that no one is rushing you. All you have to do is accept those feelings and concerns. It's good to want to get better, but don't push yourself too hard. It doesn't matter how long it takes—like I said, it's totally fine. I'll wait for you. We'll wait for you. Whenever you're ready to… step out."
"… Thanks."
"Yeah," Jeongin nodded. "Then, maybe… I'll go back to the hyungs."
"I'm one of your hyungs."
"The rest, then," Jeongin said with a laugh.
"Okay," Seungmin nodded too, even though they couldn't see each other's gestures. "Go back. Tell them that I'll always feel incredibly lucky to be part of the team."
"No, no," Jeongin said disapprovingly. "You have to tell them yourself."
Then he heard Jeongin leave, making him chuckle softly. Well, whatever his maknae just said was true.
He needed to tell them himself.