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The letter arrives in the early morning, travelling through the gates of the Cloud Recesses and snaking paths, until it is brought to the Hanshi and before the clan leader.
“Thank you for the delivery, please place it with the others”A note of tiredness slips into the man’s voice as he gives the letter a cursory look before glancing back to the disciple.
“Ah- Zewu-jun, this letter comes from Jinlin Tai”The disciple quietly speaks up, voice showing the nerves that blossom in them as they go against the initial wish of their leader. When their eyes worriedly glance up into his, they see an odd expression on their leader's face.
Eyes opening and lips parting briefly, surprise flashes across his features, “Jinlin Tai…?”He echoes, barely above a whisper, his hand shakily reaching out to take the letter before he pauses and quickly composes himself, “Right… I shall take this one then, thank you for bringing it to my attention”He says before nodding in dismissal to the disciple.
The disciple bows before leaving, they dare not speak of what they saw of their leader, instead continuing on their delivery route as if they were none the wiser.
Lan Xichen’s heart pounds in his chest as he watches the disciple leave before turning his attention back to the letter. Quickly kneeling at his desk, he lays it carefully down on the table and simply stares at it for some time. The writing is not of Jin Guangyao’s hand nor of his father’s, he isn’t actually sure whose it is, the writing seeming more youthful. His fingers brush across the dried ink that bears his title.
It takes longer than he dares acknowledge to slowly and meticulously begin opening it, his eyes skim to the bottom, where he finds the writer has signed their name.
“Mo Xuanyu”
The name is familiar, though only in passing, in words that Jin Guangyao had spoken in private, of care for a younger brother, of fear of replacement. The name weighs heavily on his chest, and his eyes quickly snap to the beginning as anxiety curdles in his stomach. Fearful for what might have happened in the months since he’d last seen the Jin.
“Dear Zewu-jun,
This lowly one would like to invite you to Jinlin Tai. . . (There’s an ink blot as the author appeared to take a prolonged pause in their writing). Apologies Zewu-jun, this one can’t write like his gege. This one is Mo Xuanyu and. . . (Another ink blot). I have had some teachings in writing proper letters, but it always came off so odd in my hand. Gege does it so naturally, he was helping me, but our lessons are paused. As I said asked in the beginning, I would like to invite you to Jinlin Tai to visit my Ge… I think he needs I believe it would be good for him to see someone other than the same faces, and he has spoken highly of you in the past, so I thought it would make sense to request your visit.
I hope you will be able to make it,
Mo Xuanyu
PS: If you will be visiting, please address your notice to me. I want this to be a surprise. . . Thank you”
He rereads the letter several times over, not yet believing the words, not believing the invitation to be true. It feels heavy in his hands.
It is also the first correspondence among the main clans to Gusu that he has read in the intervening months. There is a guilt that has developed inside him for being incapable of reading those letters and instead giving the task to his Shufu to deal with, but in those early days, every letter that arrived to his hand was a disappointment, and worse, it was a chilling reminder of what had happened as letter after letter arrived from the Unclean Realm.
The stack of them, pushed into a cabinet, loomed on his consciousness. Many times, he has found himself kneeling at the doors, furiously gripping the handles, wondering what they might say, what empty apologies they would have inside, in writing he used to be so happy to read. Other days, he sits on the opposite side of the room, pulse quickening as eyes stare widely at the doors, wondering if they bring news of further deviations, of pleas for aid.
In the end, he has not opened the cabinet, and cannot bring himself to know what might lie in those letters. Maybe after the trip to Lanling, he will finally find it in himself to read them.
Or perhaps he will burn them. Sever all ties to the man he once admired. It is unfortunate that it will mean severing ties to his younger brother as well.
Which is also precisely that which has stopped him from outright getting rid of the letters, and now this singular letter from another younger brother has him wondering if the letters are instead of Nie Huaisang’s hand.
He takes a shaky breath and closes his eyes, finding that calm lake inside of his consciousness, he cannot let speculations dictate his emotions.
Opening his eyes once more, he picks up his brush and writes up his correspondence to the young Jin.
–
The breath catches in his throat when he steps off his sword and gazes up at the looming golden stairs.
At the bottom of the steps, he isn’t sure how he feels.
There’s a metallic scent in his nose, and he dares not look down, not sure how far his mind might go in conjuring the nightmares which have plagued him every night into the waking world now that he is here. Instead, he pushes forward and begins the climb, wondering if this is how Jin Guangyao had felt only some time ago upon his own return, finally welcomed then to the place he would call home.
Already tainted for him, and now he, too, feels a similar tainting to the lavish halls.
“Zewu-jun!”A voice calls from the top before footfalls rapidly approach him.
His focus snaps to attention as he looks up at the teen, who quickly rushes to greet him, arms swinging into a bow.
“It’s so wonderful to see you here!”The boy says with a wide smile after he returns the bow.
“Thank you for inviting me, Mo-gongzi”He says.
“Yes! Speaking of- let me lead the way to the gardens! That’s where my Gege is too”He says with a quick nod before turning back up the steps.
“Ah- Mo-gongzi I should greet Jin-zongzhu first…”He says. He watches as wide eyes stare back at him in puzzlement.
“Huh? Oh! Oh, right, right! How silly of me!”He says with a light laugh, “Right, that is proper, of course, yes! I’ll take you to Fuqin first and then to my gege!”He adds and veers his course on the stairs.
A smile plays at the corner of his lips as he follows after the energetic teen.
Soon they find themselves standing in front of the clan leader’s study, he watches as the teen raises his hand to rapt at the door before suddenly pausing before he makes contact with the wood. Sheepishly, the young man suddenly turns towards him. “Ah… Zewu-jun, perhaps you might want to wait further down the hall…”His voice is low as he nervously glances into his eyes.
A deep breath passes into his lungs as he nods and turns to make his way down.
The youth waves to him before knocking on the door, and it is then that he turns his back to look out the window.
He isn’t sure how long it takes, but eventually two pairs of footsteps begin to make their way towards him.
“Zewu-jun! What a lovely surprise to have you back in Jinlin Tai”The older man greets him, fake smile plastered on his face.
“Jin-zongzhu, thank you for having me”He says with a bow, ignoring any signs of disarray the man is currently presenting.
“A-Yu failed to inform me prior about your visit, so you’ll have to forgive me that it isn’t the usual luxuries of the Jin that greet you today”He says, eyes going to the teen who shuffles nervously by his side. The older man lets out a chuckle, “We’re still working on his teachings”He adds.
“Apologies fuqin…”The teen says, before the man pats his back.
“My apologies as well for stepping into your home without proper warning”Lan Xichen says.
The man in front of him waves his hand dismissively, “Ah, nonsense, it is an honour to have you here once more. I’ve been meaning to prepare to open the halls again anyway. Besides, you are here to see A-Yao, no? The two of you are still sworn brothers as far as I see, even through this tragedy… You are more than within your right to be the first to visit. A-Yu had the right idea, just not the right procedure.”
The teen smiles tentatively, “Yes… next time I’ll inform you properly fuqin…”He says.
“Right. Well, is there anything you needed to discuss with me, Zewu-jun? I’ve more so been in correspondence with your Shufu as of late. I hope you’ve been alright. If there’s nothing to discuss between us, I’ll let A-Yu continue in hosting you and return to my business”The older man says with a raised brow.
Lan Xichen nods, pulse spiking at the line of question, “I’m quite fine, Jin-zongzhu, merely stepped back from some duties for the time. Everything I might have brought up to you now, I’m sure my Shufu has already corresponded, so do not let me keep you away from your duties. Again, my apologies for not ensuring my visit was properly announced to you”He says.
“No need for apologies, I’ll be returning to my work”And with that, the man was already strolling back to his study.
He watches for a moment before his eyes go back to the now rather awkward teen.
Mo Xuanyu let’s out a nervous chuckle, “Ah- haha… I forgot to inform Fuqin… My apologies, Zewu-jun… truly, I have been terrible in hosting…”He says softly, hands nervously wringing together as his eyes dart between the floor and making eye contact.
“Don’t worry yourself, Mo-gongzi. As I said, the blame lies in my own hands as well. Are you sure that A-Yao will be open to my presence?”He asks. The question had been brewing in his mind for a while, ever since the letter had arrived in the Recesses, yet he had been too afraid to ask, and now, in the moments before the teen may lead him to the Jin, he had to ask it out loud. He could not let his own desire to see the man cloud him. What if Jin Guangyao did not wish to see him at all? Perhaps he really was inserting himself into a home in which he was no longer welcome, even if the young man before him had invited him, it was up to the older Jin to truly make that decision.
“Um… well… As I said, I believe he would want you here, and you’ve already come this far. Please Zewu-jun… I can’t-”The teen begins before cutting himself off, and he watches as the teen’s eyes begin to grow red as tears threaten to spill, “He needs company…”He whispers shakily, “Even if he doesn’t want it…”He adds resolutely with a nod of his head, lips pushing up into a determined smile. “Believe me, Zewu-jun, I’m sure he won’t turn you away”
It does nothing to ease his fears, and watching the boy turn his back to quickly rub his eyes before turning back to him only spikes his worries higher and yet it would appear the teen is back to being energized.
“Come! He’s out in the gardens!”He says with a laugh to soothe his own nerves, before beginning a quick pace down the hall, and all Lan Xichen can do is follow after.
If I am not wanted, I shall go…
If he does not want to see me, I will leave…
If he needs to yell at me, I will stay until he tells me to go…
If he wants me to stay, I will stay…
If I must abandon everything for him…
For him…
Him…
There are countless beautiful flowers in bloom in the Jin gardens, yet they blur in the background as his eyes fall upon the Jin, and everything seems to pause around him, save for the energetic teen who rushes up to his side.
“Yao-ge! Yao-ge! How have the gardens been? Have you been enjoying the fresh air?”The teen seems at ease once more now that he is by his brother's side.
Lan Xichen can’t move from the doorway, watching the scene as his eyes stare at the man.
“Yao-ge, I brought someone to visit you! I hope you’re not too tired having been out here waiting for us, but I’m sure you’ll be perked up again once you see him. Here, let me bring you over!”
He watches as the teen slowly turns the Jin around, and suddenly, even the teen has blurred as his eyes land upon that face, warm brown and honeyed eyes both opening wide as they meet once again.
His whole mouth has gone dry, and no words escape his lips as he takes in the sight of the man for the first time in months.
He is sitting in an ornate wheelchair, befitting of the luxury of the Jins, gold cushions have been placed in the chair as padding against the dark wood and a cream coloured blanket is pulled over his legs.
“I’ll leave you two…”The teen’s voice briefly cuts through their attention.
“Thank you, Mo-gongzi…”He cuts in, finally finding his voice again.
“Hm? Oh, of course… take all the time the two of you need, I’ll get some tea”The teen says.
And with that, the world had truly narrowed down to the two of them.
He opens his mouth to speak, but he barely gets out “A-” before a hoarse voice speaks up in his place.
“Zewu-jun…”The man in front of him speaks up, leaning forward in motion for a bow.
Suddenly, he isn’t sure of himself as his hands raise up to hold him, yet the others' arms haven’t lifted up in the bow as they have done so in the past, it feels more intimate as he slowly places his hands on the other’s shoulders ever so carefully. “A-Yao…”He says, and it’s like the weight of everything has lifted off him entirely.
He watches as those eyes study him closely, and suddenly it’s like they’re so much closer to one another. So much so, he can see the exhaustion in the other's face, his hands stay on the other's shoulders as he aids him to lean back once more, and he can’t yet bring himself to let go once the other is comfortable again.
The other man gives a smile to him, dimples indenting his cheeks, “Er-ge…it is good to see you”He says slowly, carefully, as if struggling to form the words.
“It is good to see you as well… you look well…”He responds, his own voice coming out breathlessly. The words earn him a laugh, the melody crawling into him and making home in his soul.
“I am much better to see you now… I haven't felt quite so good until today… It seems my body knew to prepare. Your presence…”The man begins before pausing as his voice strains, “Your presence is most welcome…”He adds in a whisper, his hands clenching into the blanket in his lap.
Suddenly, his heart is pounding in his chest as he catches the struggle, “You need not exert yourself for me…”He quickly speaks up.
A strained smile is his answer and then a sigh, “It’s hard…”He forces out, “speaking so much… apologies”He finishes before shaking his head, shoulders going slack as he shuts his eyes and takes in shaking breaths.
His hands slowly fall off the other's shoulders, and he gives him space, simply waiting. If this is all they share now, if the Jin tells him to leave now, he will go away lighter than he has felt since he rushed down those steps.
As they stay there in pleasant silence, eventually they’re joined by the energetic teen once more, who takes careful steps with a tray in tow, “I brought some pastries as well and your medicine Yao-ge”He says before walking past the two and setting the tray down on the nearby outdoor table. He returns to his brother's side and looks between the two of them, “Everything alright?”He asks, eyes widening as he notes their silence.
“Yes, Mo-gongzi… we’re merely taking a pause. Thank you for bringing the tea. Will you join us?”
“Oh! Good good. Hm? Join? Oh no, no, I won’t intrude if you two are alright. I have some things to attend to for Fuqin! If you need anything, just let one of the servants know or feel free to get them to call for me”He says with a nod and without waiting for their response, he is already once more running off.
Lan Xichen finds a chuckle slipping from his lips, “He is quite the interesting fellow”He muses, which earns him a head shake.
“Too energetic… at times…”and then a laugh slips from the other's lips. “You’ll have to excuse me, Er-ge… I won’t… I won’t be able to pour”The Jin says as his hands slip to his wheels and he slowly pushes himself over to the table.
“That is alright, I can do so this time”
And so he sits himself down and begins the process.
He takes a sip of the tea and watches as the other does the same before moving his hand to a small bowl of dark liquid, smile straining again as he clutches it and then, as quickly as he is able, downs the liquid before taking one of the pastries to chase it down.
“I hope A-Yu wasn’t too forceful in his invitation… he did so behind my back… he doesn’t quite have the proper understandings yet”The Jin speaks up after taking another sip of tea.
He quirks his brow, “Not at all… he was earnest in his letter, quite upfront with his own limitations. It was a welcome letter to receive”He says.
“I’ve heard you haven’t been receiving many…as of late”
“Ah-… so you have, yes, I stepped away from receiving the correspondences. Once I return to the Recesses, I should perhaps pick them up once more to give my Shufu a break”
“Were you waiting for a particular letter?”
The question leaves him in a pause, save for the movement of his cup to meet the table once more, he clears his throat as if that will give him the answer he seeks, for he isn’t sure how best to respond.
The man before him seems to awkwardly swirl the cup in his hand, “I drafted a few to you…”He finally breaks the silence, “But I fear Er-ge would not wish to see this A-Yao’s calligraphy for the time being… I am thankful that A-Yu picked up the task even without my knowing… He must have seen my attempts”
“I do wish-… I would have liked to see it…”He says seriously, and he is truthful, not simply because the precepts will it but because even if all the Jin had sent was scribbles or blots of ink, it would have been the most welcome of letters, would have been all he needed to know the other was alright, and everything else could fall into place however it wished.
He is earned another laugh and a dismissive shake of the head, yet the smile remains on the other’s face, “Er-ge…”The other emphasizes.
“A-Yao…”He answers
“Fine… you shall have this A-Yao’s current calligraphy when you return home…”
They soon fall into a pattern of conversation in which the Lan carries while the Jin adds in what additions he can.
Around a sichen passes in the blink of an eye, and their talks veer further to his domination, he finds no lack of words around the other, yet he quickly picks up the further pronounced exhaustion beginning to unveil across the other's face, eyes shutting one too many times in thought that has him seeming to slip out of consciousness.
In one such interval, he quietly signals a servant over to ask for Mo Xuanyu to join them again.
It would seem the teen had finished with the work he had been tasked with, for he appears soon after, “You called?”He asks.
The Jin’s lashes slowly blink, and his eyes shift back to focus, “Ah… A-Yu…?”He hums softly.
“Thank you for joining us again, Mo-gongzi”
“I’m here, Yao-ge! I think it’s time for Zewu-jun to leave”
“Ah, yes… You must have to attend to the Recesses”
He smiles softly at the man as he stands up, “Yes, I only told Shufu I would be gone for some sichen… It’s getting late now, so I should return”
The smile he receives is tired but still lively, the man now having leaned to the side looks up at him through his lashes, “Thank you… for joining me, Er-ge…”
He bows to the man, “Of course, A-Yao, it was an honour to visit you after all this time”
The three of them move back into the halls, making their way to the older Jin’s room, “Yao-ge, I’m gonna see Zewu-jun off, I’ll be right back ok?”The young teen asks as he pushes the man into his room, a quiet hum is his response before he steps back into the hallway. “Come along!”He says before leading the way once more.
Lan Xichen gives one last look to the Jin before following again.
–
He doesn’t even notice he has found himself at the bottom steps until he has already slid Shuoyue out of its sheath, preparing to leave. “Thank you for hosting me, Mo-gongzi”He says, turning to the teen who has gone quiet again.
He watches the boy fidget in front of him before nodding, “Of course! Um… We’ll be hosting a conference again soon… But I hope you will visit outside of that again if possible…”The boy finally speaks up.
He can’t help but smile wistfully, “I will do my best… It is good to know that I am still welcome”He says softly.
“Huh? But of course you are…I- Yao-ge has been mentioning you- oh- I mean… haha I guess that did slip out. Don’t mention it to him, Zewu-jun… My lips are supposed to be sealed! Just uh- just come back soon”The teen says with a quick nod before stepping back.
He doesn’t have much time to react to that before the boy moves away from him. He nods, “Of course, Mo-gongzi…”He says, before taking off with plenty of thoughts to keep him company on the journey back home.