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“Kuroo, can we cancel this sleepover after all? I don’t think I can come,” you said after your boyfriend picked up. You had cleared your throat before calling him but your voice was still shaky. Of course, you wanted to go. You missed him and you wanted to see him but you just couldn’t bring yourself to leave your apartment.
“But haven’t you been looking forward to this the whole week? Did something happen?” Kuroo asked worriedly. You didn’t deserve someone like him to be your boyfriend who was genuinely concerned about your well-being. He should have chosen someone else, a bright and beautiful person beside him. You bit on your lower lip. It was painful for you to imagine it but it would make his life way easier.
You took a deep breath before responding to him. You promised each other to be truthful in this relationship, so making up lies was not forgiven. “I just don’t feel like going outside anymore. I don’t want to commute by train…”
There was a moment’s silence. Did you just disappoint him? Was he going to hang up because he was tired of your problems? “Alright, then I’ll be at your apartment in about a half hour.”
You blinked in surprise. You couldn’t even answer him because he hung up. You set your phone down on the coffee table. Then you tucked up your legs on the sofa, burying your face in them.
You have been lovers for two years by now. You met during the time you developed depression. He turned out to be the ray of sunshine and hope in your life. You both went through a lot of hardships because of you but he would never leave you alone. It’s been a year since you both graduated from high school and you were currently going to different universities, so you had to commute by train to visit each other.
You dropped your legs to the floor and then you stood up. You turned around and you saw the mess that you had made. Your clothes were scattered, hanging over every chair that you could see and there was trash, lying around. You had to clean up before he arrived. You didn’t want to let him see the mess. Thus, you picked up all the clothes and trash which you could find. You took out the vacuum cleaner to make this place cleaner.
You stopped for a moment, turning off the device. Why did you even have the motivation to get up and do something? Were you feeling a sense of responsibility because someone was going to come? Was it because of Kuroo? Why did he even decide to come? You didn’t give him your consent yet, so there was no need for you to clean up. But you turned on the vacuum cleaner again. You were pathetic, clinging to him like an idiot. You didn’t deserve to be by his side in the first place. You didn’t deserve to get comforted by him. You didn’t deserve to see his smile every week.
You were mentally and physically tired again and you wanted to lie down. You rested on the couch right after cleaning up properly and putting the things back to where they belonged to. Now, you were lying on your back, staring at the white ceiling. You closed your eyes and concentrated on your breathing. You wished you could just sleep forever, not having a single care for this world anymore. Your world faded to black as you fell asleep.
You were woken up by rattling keys, followed by the noise of a closing door and whistling. You purposely didn’t open your eyes as you stayed in the same position. Kuroo switched on the lights and you could see the yellowish color, emitting from your lamp through your eyelids.
“I’m home~” Kuroo said teasingly. “Did I just sound like a husband?”
You didn’t respond as you continued pretending to be asleep. Then you heard the footsteps getting closer and your eyelids were covered by darkness. You opened your eyes, seeing your boyfriend who was bent down on the couch, inches away from your face. You felt his breath on your face.
“Babe, you’ve been silent the whole time… Are you angry because I didn’t ask for your permission? Should I have not come?” He asked as he moved away from the couch. You slowly got up and denied his question. You weren’t angry at him. You were angry at yourself and you honestly felt like crap today. That was the reason why you didn’t want him to stay over. You wanted to get away from any human interactions.
Kuroo set his bag down and he took off his jacket, hanging it on an empty spot on the coat rack. You were watching his actions closely and he noticed it. Then you looked away from him, staring at the floor. You heard his hands being rubbed together to warm them up as he spoke up: “It has been getting colder outside. I can’t believe that it’s almost winter already. So, you better be careful and start wearing more layers of clothes.”
Then he walked around the sofa and he sat down next to you. You avoided his gaze as he continued talking. “I’m sorry that I decided to go to your place without asking you. I just felt like… I should be with you right now.”
He was about to place a hand on your shoulder but you stopped him. You brushed his hand off, still avoiding any eye contact with him. “Please, don’t. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t want anyone to get close to me right now. Just… leave.”
You knew that you hurt him with these words. And you knew that if you looked at his face right now, you would only find a strained smile. It was your fault but you were going to start crying in front of him again. You were already on the verge of tears. Why did he even come for someone like you? What did he see in you?
The room was filled with silence as you kept staring intently at the floor. You couldn’t look up right now. You heard the sofa creaking. Kuroo just stood up. He was finally tired of you, wasn’t he?
“I’m going to cook dinner quickly,” he said as he walked away from you. He was about to leave the room but he turned around again. “But… please don’t forget that I’m always here for you. I’m not going to turn away and leave you all alone with your problems because I love you. So, please talk to me. I may not be able to help but I’m always willing to listen to you, okay?”
Then he left and he went into the kitchen. Immediately, you stood up, walking towards your room and closing the door behind you. You jumped onto your bed as the tears started flowing and you cried into your pillow. You didn’t deserve his love. You didn’t deserve to be with him. Why was he being so kind to you? For which reasons did he love you? Wasn’t he sick of your depression and anxiety?
You didn’t leave your room for the rest of the evening. Kuroo had finished preparing dinner and he knocked on your door but you refused to eat or to go out. Your eyes were puffy from crying and your cheeks were flushed. You had mixed feelings about Kuroo. You had thought of it over and over again. But was it actually okay to love him and to be loved? Could someone like you have this requited love? You knew that there were people in this world who had it worse than you. They deserved to have happiness more than anyone else. Was it alright for you to cling to him? Even if he threw you away, did you not wish him to be the happiest man alive?
Around midnight, you felt hungry and you decided to leave your room. You quietly walked to the kitchen and turned on the lights. You saw a plate with food on the kitchen counter, wrapped in a plastic foil. You walked closely to it and you realized that those were all of your favorites. There was also a note, underneath the plate.
“I know that you’ve been going through a rough time and that it has been getting worse. But please do eat. I cooked all of your favorite foods. Please enjoy the meal.”
Everything that he has ever done, it was all for you. He was only thinking of ways to help you. But you decided to push him away instead. You smiled weakly as you warmed up the food. A moment later, you started eating. You opened the plastic foil and took your first bite with the fork. As soon as you chewed on the bit, you suddenly started crying. The tears naturally dropped on the kitchen table, refusing to stop flowing. The food was so good.
He genuinely loved you and he cared about you. His feelings were sincere. You wiped away your tears and you quickly ate up and then washed the dishes. Afterwards, you turned off the lights and you left the kitchen to head over to the sofa where Kuroo was tightly asleep. His face looked so peaceful. You heard his breathing as you walked around and sat down next to Kuroo’s head, stroking his hair. You leaned your head to your right, resting it against the sofa.
"I’m sorry, Kuroo… I didn’t mean to push you away. I didn’t want to hurt you. I just thought that I didn’t deserve to be by your side. Please… don’t leave me,” you whispered as you moved back your hand. You were going to cry again. “Please forgive me. I love you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t have come this far if you weren’t with me right now.”
You moved your hands upwards, covering your face. You wiped away the tears with the sleeves of your sweater as you silently sobbed next to him. You were sniffing when you heard the couch creaking and your heart skipped a beat. You felt a hand, brushing your forehead and then moving to the top of your head. Kuroo gently stroked your hair to comfort you. He stopped for a moment and he invited you to sit with him on the sofa. You didn’t even hesitate and got up, wrapping your arms around his body as you climbed on the sofa. You buried your face against his chest, still apologizing to him. Kuroo embraced you as he rubbed your back, telling you that it was okay. You felt his chest, slowly and steadily moving up and down as he planted a kiss on your head.
“I wouldn’t ever think of abandoning you.”