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Lovro sits quietly at the kitchen table as he works on his university assignments. He periodically gets up to peek in his and Ivan’s bedroom to check on Ivan. Ivan had been sleeping all day and it was nearly 3 p.m. Lovro keeps the bedroom door cracked open as he works so he will hear if Ivan stirs.
He begins to think that he should go in there to wake Ivan soon if he doesn't wake naturally. He hadn’t eaten or drank anything yet that day, and barely anything yesterday. Worry begins to consume him, as he anxiously chews on the top of his pen, pretending to read his textbook while really just thinking about Ivan, he hears a knock on their door.
He stands up and briefly peeks into the bedroom to see if the knock woke Ivan. It didn't.
Lovro opens the apartment door, and is unsurprised to find Ivan’s mom standing in the hall.
“Hi,” Lovro says, opening the door wider and stepping aside for her to walk in.
“Hi sweetheart,” she replies, walking into the apartment carrying a large plastic container, and leaning in to hug Lovro. Lovro lets himself melt into the hug, feeling himself begin to relax for the first time in weeks.
Ivan’s mom pulls back from the hug with a worried look on her face. She reaches up and places her hand on Lovro’s cheek, gently rubbing her thumb across his skin. “How are you doing?”
Lovro hesitates, “um, I’m okay.”
She looked at him questioningly, not quite believing what he’s saying. She flicks Lovro’s nose to make him smile. “I wanted to stop by to see how Ivan’s doing. I brought you guys muffins, I figured he’s probably having a hard time eating right now.”
Lovro nods, looking toward the bedroom door, “I’m kind of worried about him. I could barely get him to eat when he was manic, and now that he’s depressed he’s no better. He’s already started to lose weight.”
“Hm,” she responds with a furrowed brow, “has he eaten yet today?”
“No, he hasn't woken up yet. I was considering waking him up soon to try to get him to eat.”
She looks down at her watch, “oh, yeah, we should wake him up. It’s getting pretty late.”
“Okay,” Lovro responds, leading her into his and Ivan’s shared bedroom.
She hovers in the doorway as Lovro moves to stand beside Ivan’s sleeping form.
Ivan is lying on his side on the edge of the bed. His hands are tucked under his chin, and Lovro can hear the soft sounds of his breathing.
Lovro reaches out and gently shakes Ivan’s shoulder. Once he begins to stir, Lovro moves his hand to brush his fingers along Ivan’s cheek.
Ivan takes a deep breath before opening his eyes and looking up at Lovro. Lovro smiles down at him and moves his hand to brush through Ivan’s hair.
“Your mom came to see you,” Lovro says in a soft voice, careful not to startle Ivan as he comes out of his deep sleep.
Ivan’s mom moves to sit at the edge of the bed beside Ivan’s legs. She places a hand on his hip and softly rubs up to his waist and back. “Hi baby, how are you feeling?”
Ivan lifts his head briefly to look at her before dropping back down on the pillow. “I’m okay,” he responds quietly before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
Lovro and Ivan’s mom exchange glances before she looks back to Ivan. “Do you think you could eat something?”
Ivan hums and reaches his hands out to wrap around Lovro’s thigh and pull him to sit on the bed beside him. Lovro sits down with a chuckle and Ivan shifts to bury his face in Lovro’s lap. “I’m sleepy.” Lovro massages his fingers through Ivan’s hair as he nuzzles into his lap.
“I know you’re tired,” his mom responds, “but you might feel better if you eat something.”
Ivan grumbles face down in Lovro’s lap. “She brought you those muffins you like,” Lovro adds. When Ivan doesn't stir, and seems to be falling back asleep with his face buried in Lovro’s lap, Lovro realizes he is going to have to take a more aggressive approach.
Lovro glances up at Ivan’s mom, who is looking increasingly concerned as she looks down at her son with a furrowed brow. Lovro grabs the corner of the blanket and tosses it over Ivan, exposing him to the cold air in the bedroom.
Ivan grumbles and curls into himself. “Lovrooo,” he whines, tightening his grip on Lovro’s thigh.
“Come on,” Lovro instructs, grabbing Ivan’s arm and forcefully pulling him up. He pulls Ivan into the sitting position, and has to stop him when he tries to grab the corner of the blanket to pull it over himself.
“I’m cold,” Ivan mumbles, annoyed with Lovro’s approach.
“Get up and I’ll get you a sweatshirt.”
Ivan glares at him as he tosses his legs to the side and settles his feet on the floor. Lovro walks to the closet and pulls out Ivan’s favorite hoodie. He returns to the bedside to find Ivan’s mom with her hand settled on Ivan’s shoulder as she racks her eyes over his bare torso. Lovro can tell by the worried look in her eye that she is noticing the weight he’s lost. Lovro feels slightly ashamed, like it’s his fault for not taking good enough care of Ivan.
Ivan reaches his arms out for the hoodie and quickly pulls it over his head once Lovro hands it to him. Lovro grabs Ivan’s hands and pulls him up and off the bed. Once he is up, Lovro smiles and looks up at him. Ivan gives him the softest smile back and leans forward slightly to give him a gentle peck on the lips.
The three of them walk out to the kitchen, and Ivan drops down into the chair at the small table in the center of the kitchen. Lovro gathers up his school materials, clearing the table, as Ivan’s mom plates up two muffins for each of them. Lovro sits down beside Ivan, and Ivan’s mom sits across from them.
Lovro unwraps his own muffin, and pretends he’s not watching Ivan out of the corner of the eye. Once he sees Ivan pick up his muffin, he lets out a slight satisfied smile and begins eating.
The three of them fall into casual conversation, mostly Lovro and Ivan’s mom, with Ivan adding a comment here and there.
A few minutes into eating, Lovro has to set down his muffin and push the plate away. His stomach began to churn and he suddenly felt a bit nauseous. He tries to play it cool, so as not to draw attention, but it seems Ivan notices his change in demeanor anyway. “You okay?” he asks, placing his hand on Lovro’s leg and massaging his thumb on the inside of his thigh.
“Mhm,” Lovro responds unconvincingly. He scrunches his nose to hold back the bout of nausea that overcomes him in that moment.
“Are you sick?” Ivan’s mom asks.
“Um, I don't think so. My stomach’s just been kinda weird since yesterday.”
Ivan scrunches his eyebrows, “why didn’t you tell me?”
Lovro feels his heart fill with warmth and affection for the man. He moves his hand to cover Ivan’s that is still resting on his leg. “It’s not anything serious. I barely even registered it.”
Ivan’s mom stands and bends over the table, maneuvering her hand under Lovro’s bangs to rest on his forehead. “You feel a bit warm,” she says as she retracts her hand and sits back down.
Ivan quickly reaches up to feel for himself, and furrows his brow upon making contact with Lovro’s too warm forehead. “Lovro,” he says with a frown.
“I’m fiiiine,” Lovro reassures him, “I promise, if it was serious I would have told you.”
Ivan looks unsure, and returns his hand to the inside of Lovro’s thigh. Ivan lost what was left of his already small appetite, and didn't pick up his muffin again.
-
Later that night, Lovro and Ivan went to bed early. Ivan was tired, and he could see Lovro was too. They fell asleep wrapped up in each other’s arms.
Ivan woke a few hours later, in the middle of the night. He reached over to find Lovro, but to his surprise, he felt nothing but the cool and empty mattress. He sat up from bed quickly, his first thought being that Lovro finally had enough and left him, before he noticed that the light was on in the bathroom. He felt the beating of his heart calm, knowing that Lovro was still here, and he slowly settled back on his pillow.
He tried to fall asleep again, but couldn't help the anxious feeling he got noticing Lovro had been in the bathroom for a long time. He decides to go check on him to calm his mind. Ivan pauses for a moment after standing to let his body adjust, his limbs feel weighed down and weak as he takes a step toward the bathroom.
“Lovro?” he calls out, knocking on the bathroom door and slowly cracking it open. He doesn't hear a response, and opens the door further to find Lovro curled up on the floor beside the toilet, holding a miserable expression on his face. Ivan rushes in and drops down beside him, putting his hand on Lovro’s back and pulling him away from the toilet and against his chest. “What happened?” Ivan asks, brushing his fingers along the back of Lovro’s head.
“I think I’m sick,” Lovro mumbles into Ivan’s shirt. Ivan closes his eyes and kisses the top of Lovro’s head, breathing in his scent. He rubs soothing circles along Lovro’s arm for a few minutes before Lovro suddenly, and dramatically pulls away from him. Ivan looks at him confusingly as Lovro pulls his knees to his chest and scoots back into the wall, as far as he can get away from Ivan.
“What’s wrong?” Ivan asks as he scoots toward Lovro and places his hand on his leg.
“No,” Lovro recoils, “get away from me, I don’t want you to get sick.”
“Lovro,” Ivan responds, not listening to Lovro’s whines as he scoops him back into his arms anyway, “I don’t care if you get me sick.”
“I care!” Lovro combats, shoving Ivan’s chest in an attempt to push him away.
“Lovro please,” Ivan begs, “please let me be here for you, it’s the least I can do after everything I put you through.”
“Ivan,” Lovro softens, “you don’t owe me anything, that’s not how this works.”
“Please,” Ivan continues.
Lovro looks at him for a while before realizing that Ivan won’t relent. “Fine,” he responds, letting himself fall back into Ivan’s chest, “only because you’re probably already infected anyway.”
Ivan lets out a small smile to himself and kisses the top of Lovro’s head as he runs his fingers along his back. “How long have you been in here?”
“I don’t know,” Lovro sighs, “maybe an hour or so.”
“Do you think you feel okay enough to go back to bed?” Ivan asks. He doesn't want Lovro to have to sit on the bathroom floor for the rest of the night when what he needs is rest.
Lovro nods and lets Ivan help him to his feet. Ivan studies him as he gains his balance, looking a bit woozy. Ivan places one arm on Lovro’s back, and another across the back of his knees, scooping him up. He struggles a bit to lift him, feeling weaker from his mental state and not having eaten much the past few weeks, but ultimately decides that he would rather struggle carrying him than make Lovro walk back to bed himself. Lovro closes his eyes and lets himself be carried, nuzzling into Ivan’s shirt.
Ivan places Lovro in bed and wraps the covers around him. “Are you warm enough?”
“Mhm,” Lovro mumbles, “just need you.”
“Alright, one second,” he leans down to kiss Lovro’s forehead before walking back into the bathroom. He digs around the cabinet, and finds the medicine he was looking for. He places it on the bedside table and walks out to the kitchen to fill up a glass of water and bring it back to him.
“Sit up for a minute,” he instructs, pulling Lovro up by the arm. Lovro reluctantly sits up, already half asleep, and leans back against the headboard with a sigh. “Open up,” he says, holding out the pills. Lovro opens his mouth and Ivan drops two pills on his tongue, quickly bringing the glass of water up to his lips to make him drink.
Lovro swallows the pills and water with a grimace. “You okay?”
“My throat hurts.”
“I’ll go to the store in the morning to get you some lozenges. Here, lay back down.” Ivan gets under the covers himself now and lets Lovro fall onto his chest. Ivan wraps his arms around Lovro’s back and holds him tight.
They both fall asleep within minutes, feeling exhausted from their night.
-
Lovro wakes the next morning to Ivan already watching him. They are both laying on their sides, faces only inches apart. Lovro notices the furrowed brow and tense expression on Ivan’s face. Lovro closes his eyes and scoots closer, pressing his forehead to Ivan’s. “How are you feeling?”
“I was going to ask you that.” Ivan responds.
“Mmm, I asked you first,” Lovro replies, with sleep still tinged in his voice. He pulls back to get a better look at Ivan.
“I’m okay,” Ivan responds, “maybe not good.”
Lovro reaches up and brushes his finger along Ivan’s cheekbone before sliding his hand back and tangling his fingers in his hair.
“How are you feeling?” Ivan asks again.
“Not good,” Lovro responds, “my throat hurts, and my stomach, and my head, and the rest of my body,” he tries to joke, desperately wanting to see even the slightest smile out of Ivan. He doesn't get that, however, and Ivan's frown only deepens.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” Lovro states the obvious, only it doesn't seem like it is obvious to Ivan.
“Maybe if you weren’t for me keeping you up all night, and making you stressed you wouldn't have gotten sick.”
“Ivan,” Lovro responds, reaching up to brush the tear from the corner of Ivan’s eye, before it has the chance to drop, “it’s not your fault. You weren't well.”
Ivan shakes his head, “you shouldn't have to deal with this Lovro.”
“I’m not doing anything I don’t want to be doing.”
Lovro suddenly feels a sneezing fit approach, and he quickly rolls away from Ivan and sneezes multiple times into his elbow. Once he is finished, he sniffles and rolls back, not settling as close to Ivan this time as he was before.
Ivan immediately shifts forward and closes the gap Lovro tried to create. Ivan rests his head on Lovro’s shoulder, closing his eyes and sighing contentedly when Lovro places his hand in his hair.
“I really don’t want you to get sick,” Lovro complains.
“I don’t care. I just want to be near you.” And Lovro can’t fight with that. He finally gives in and relaxes, realizing that trying to get Ivan to stay away from him is a lost cause.
They lay like that for a few minutes, and Lovro nearly falls asleep again, when he is woken by a coughing fit. He leans as far away from Ivan as he can while he coughs into his arm. When he rolls back, he sees Ivan sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “Where are you going?” Lovro asks with a croaky voice and watery eyes.
“I need to get you lozenges and better medicine, the stuff I gave you last night was a few months expired.” Ivan tries to stand up but is pulled back Lovro’s grip on his arm.
“No, you don’t have to do that.” Lovro doesn't want Ivan to spend all of his already small amount of energy on getting him stuff.
“Lovro, you need it. I can do this.” Ivan responds, getting increasingly frustrated by his condition weakening him in a time when Lovro needs him most.
“It’s okay,” Lovro responds, rubbing his thumb along Ivan’s arm soothingly, “my mom was going to stop by anyway, so she can pick up what I need on her way over.”
“Oh,” Ivan responds, tension dissipating from his shoulders as he lets himself relax back into Lovro’s touch. “Why’s she coming over, did you tell her you were sick?”
“No, not yet. She messaged me yesterday asking if she could come see you.” Lovro tugs on Ivan’s arm, leading him to lay back down. The second Ivan falls back onto the pillow, Lovro crawls up to him, and settles his head on Ivan’s chest.
“Oh,” Ivan responds in a small voice.
“She wouldn't stop texting me asking for updates, so I told her to come see for herself.”
-
Ivan woke up an hour or so later to Lovro sniffling his nose. He has his headphones on, and probably can’t tell how loud he’s being.
Ivan lays on his side, facing Lovro, while Lovro is propped up against some pillows with his laptop in his lap watching some anime. Ivan stays still for a few moments, basking in the peace of watching Lovro without Lovro knowing he is looking.
For a moment he finds himself feeling jealous of Lovro’s sickness, the inevitable healing of it. He watches Lovro wince every time he swallows and feels envious that he will get to experience the pain slowly fade away. All he has to do is take his medication for a few days and rest before he goes back to normal. He will get to go outside, and breathe in the air through his clear airway and appreciate it all the more now that he has healed.
But Ivan will never have that. He will wince while he swallows everyday for the rest of his life.
He can do everything right. He can take his pills just as Lovro is, he can rest just as Lovro is, but while Lovro will improve to one day forget this insignificant blip in time where he was confined to the bed, Ivan will never will. No matter how hard he tries, he will always end up right back where he started, damned to relive this endless loop for the rest of time.
Ivan is dragged from his thoughts by a knock at the door. Lovro flinches and quickly looks down to Ivan. “Sorry, that’s my mom,” he says, pulling off his headphones, “did she wake you?”
“No, I was up.” Lovro nods and slides the laptop off his lap, hesitantly shifting himself off the bed to get up and get the door. Ivan grabs his arm and pulls him back, “no, you need to rest, I’ll get the door.”
Lovro doesn't fight him, letting the exhaustion in his limbs pull him back against the headboard.
Ivan walks out of the room and answers the door to Ana’s smiling face. “Hi honey,” she says, pulling him in for a hug as soon as she steps foot in the apartment. Ivan closes his eyes and dissolves into the warm embrace.
Ana pulls back from the hug and scans Ivan’s face. It makes Ivan feel vulnerable and on display, like she can read each and every one of his thoughts. “How are you feeling?” she asks with a soft, hopeful smile.
“I’m okay,” he responds. He’s not exactly sure if this is true, but he doesn't want to tell her that he feels like shit, and ruin the smile on her face. Her smile falters anyway, she can tell that he is lying. She brings her hand up to cup his cheek and run her thumb over his cheekbone.
After a moment passes, and Ivan feels close to bursting into tears from sheer vulnerability, she drops her hand and asks, “where’s my Lovro?”
“He’s in bed.”
Ivan trails behind her as she walks into his and Lovro’s shared bedroom. “Hi baby,” she says, sitting down beside Lovro’s legs and rubbing his knee through the blanket. Ivan crawls back into bed beside Lovro and drops his head down to rest on his shoulder. Lovro brings his hand up and absentmindedly runs his fingers through the short hair at the nape of Ivan’s neck.
“Hi,” Lovro responds, putting on a loose smile, “thanks for bringing me stuff.”
“Oh, it’s okay, I was coming anyway,” she smiles, glancing toward Ivan. “What do you think is wrong? Do you have the flu?” she furrows her eyebrows.
“I think so,” Lovro replies, taking a deep breath and wincing at the soreness in his throat.
“Let me make you some tea,” she says, standing up and quickly walking out of the room. Once she is gone, Lovro runs his fingers up and down Ivan’s arm, turning to kiss the top of his head that rests on his shoulder.
A few minutes pass before she returns with two mugs of steaming tea. “I brought some for you too Ivan.”
“Oh, thank you,” Ivan responds, lifting his head off Lovro’s shoulder, and taking the warm mug into his hands.
Ana walks out of the room and quickly returns with a shopping bag. She sits at Lovro’s bedside and takes out the various medications and lozenges she bought. “I assumed you boys didn't have a thermometer,” she says as she pulls one out of the bag. She gestures for Lovro to open his mouth and sticks it under his tongue. She waits for it to beep before pulling it out of his mouth.
She shakes her head. “38.8, Ivan I want to test you too.” She takes the thermometer to the bathroom to clean it before using it on him. Ivan finds that rather unnecessary given their close proximity, but he lets her do it anyway. She returns to the bed and tests him too. “37.5, you’re a bit high too.” She places her hand on his forehead to check for herself. “How do you feel?”
Ivan isn't sure how to answer that, he feels tired and unwell, but it's hard to tell the difference between what's normal and what’s not. “I don’t know, not much different I guess.” Lovro places his hand on Ivan’s thigh under the covers and massages his leg with his thumb. Ivan covers his hand with his own.
“Okay, I’ll give you medicine too then, and maybe it won’t come on as strong.” She walks back to the kitchen to fill up large glasses of water for both of them, before handing them medication and making them drink the whole glass. “Ivan, have you taken your regular medication yet today?”
Ivan thinks for a moment, the memories for this morning feeling a bit foggy, “umm, I don’t think so.”
“Where do you keep it?”
“In the bathroom.”
She finds his pill organizer and opens that day’s slot, dumping the pills out in her hand and bringing it back to Ivan. He dutifully takes them, with a slightly sour look on his face.
“I have to go to work now, do you need anything else before I go? Have either of you eaten yet today?”
“No,” Lovro replies. Ivan watches him go a bit pale remembering the events of last night.
“Okay, well, have some soup delivered when you’re ready. I can also make you some and bring it over but I won't be able to until tonight.”
“It’s okay,” Lovro responds, “we can just order it.”
“Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind. Get some sleep.”
Neither of them attempt to get up, as they wave goodbye from their place on the bed.
-
“Lovro.”
“Lovro.”
Lovro wakes to the sound of Ivan calling his name and shaking his shoulder lightly. He looks around the room briefly, getting his bearings, and notices that it is pitch black outside. He and Ivan must have slept through the entire day.
After a moment of collecting himself, he notices how hot he feels. He looks up into Ivan’s concerned eyes who is looking down at him. Lovro peels his head off Ivan’s chest, leaving behind a damp spot on Ivan’s shirt from all the sweat on his forehead.
“Are you okay baby? You’re sweating.” Ivan says as he places his palm on Lovro’s forehead.
“Mmm,” Lovro mumbles, “I feel hot.” He throws the comforter off of himself and stretches his body out.
“Your fever must be breaking.” Ivan sits up in bed and helps Lovro out of his sweaty shirt. “Do you want to go sit outside for a bit? To cool down?” Ivan asks.
Lovro nods, quickly standing up, desperate to feel a bit of relief from this overwhelming heat. He wobbles on his feet, feeling unbalanced before Ivan quickly stands up behind him and grabs onto his waist to steady him.
Ivan leads him to the small balcony attached to their bedroom, opening the door to let in the cool night air. Lovro feels immediately relieved as he drops down into one of their chairs to breathe in the crisp air. Ivan comes back outside with a fresh t-shirt for Lovro to pull on, and a blanket wrapped around his own shoulders. “You don’t have to stay out here with me,” Lovro says, “you should get some sleep.”
Ivan smiles at him, and grabs the edge of Lovro’s chair, pulling it over to knock against his own so he can lean his head on Lovro’s shoulder. Lovro chuckles and drops his head to rest atop Ivan’s. “I want to stay with you,” Ivan mumbles.
Lovro and Ivan sit beside each other for a long while. Breathing in the crisp air and listening to the sounds of the city asleep.