Archive of Our Own

This couldn’t go on like this.

Two months had passed; it was time to put an end to the situation. But how could he? Would he simply stop going to church? What kind of conversation would he have with his parents about it? He could never tell the truth.

Well, at least if he did, he would never need (or rather, have permission to) set foot in that place again to utter holy words in vain.

In early January, the church Tyler’s family attended welcomed a new devotee with open arms. He wasn’t new to town, but he had just moved to the neighborhood and, according to what he told everyone at the first community breakfast he went to, it was the first time he had returned to church after some time away. But it wasn’t as if he needed to say that anyway; his piercings in both nostrils, the ear gauges, and the arms covered in tattoos betrayed the time he had spent away from the custody of God-fearing people.

Joshua Dun was a very different man from anyone Tyler had ever known before. Although Dun was the image of what Tyler had always been warned to stay away from, he was kind, friendly, helpful, and had a sweet, lopsided smile that charmed everyone. Tyler had never exchanged more than a few polite words with him, and yet he was observant enough to understand the kind of man he was. The roar of the motorcycle was intimidating at first, but Josh, as he liked to be called, quickly became the new darling of the ladies and the friend of the gentlemen in the community.

And, of course, the newest suitor of the single women.

Tyler knew something wasn’t right from the moment Josh walked into that church and he felt his heart beat the same way it did when he watched basketball games on television. However, the confirmation that his life was about to be turned upside down came when he saw Josh talking to the mother of one of Tyler’s old schoolmates. He wished it were him there, receiving Josh’s warm smile. The problem was that she was a 40 year old woman, only five years older than Josh, and he was a 22 year old guy. Tyler didn’t know which part was worse.

That’s why he felt so guilty when he found himself in the current situation. The pastor delivered his sermon as usual, all eyes on him except Tyler’s. Since January, his gaze had followed the same direction: the pew to his left, right beside the aisle, where Josh always sat.

At that moment, Josh was standing like everyone else there, closing his eyes with both hands in front of his body as he listened to Pastor Adam’s words. As if God himself were playing with the situation, the morning sun streamed through the window, illuminating Josh’s silhouette in an almost sacred way, making his brown curls take on a reddish hue and the curves of his muscular body become even more defined. Tyler knew that the reason he could see the muscles in his arm even under two layers of clothing was because he played the drums occasionally at church and probably more frequently in his daily life. He wished he could talk to Josh about music someday, wondered if he’d ever been in a band, even what he liked to listen to when he was his age.

Although he could spend hours daydreaming about Josh’s past and present life, Tyler noticed the man’s movement across the aisle. He immediately felt his face flush when Josh opened his eyes, tilted his head to the side, met Tyler’s gaze, and raised his left hand in a slight wave while smiling with his mouth closed, his eyes closing with small wrinkles forming around them behind his thin-rimmed glasses.

Tyler turned his head sharply, staring at the seat in front of him with wide eyes. He felt his ears burning and hoped they weren’t as red as he imagined, but he knew his body’s reactions to extreme embarrassment were inevitable. He closed his eyes and tried to relax by breathing deeply. The knuckles of his fingers were white from the force with which he intertwined them in front of his body, both wrists pressed against his abdomen to the point where his elbow lightly nudged his mother’s arm. She listened attentively to the pastor’s words and didn’t notice her son’s agony.

With the fervent sermon echoing in his ears, Tyler silently begged for that persistent and nameless feeling to end once and for all, interspersed with endless pleas for forgiveness. His head was full, but only one thing prevailed: this couldn’t go on like this.

Josh was an older man. Josh was a man.

It was unbelievable that even inside God’s house, Tyler couldn’t let go of those shameful thoughts.

It wasn’t the first time, perhaps it wouldn’t be the last. Since childhood, he knew his feelings for boys were different, but he always repressed it and chose to convince himself that one day it would heal on its own, like a nagging headache. Nothing ever went beyond glances at a schoolmate, or teammate, when he started playing basketball. He managed to bury that when he got his first girlfriend—while it lasted, his relationship served as a way to prove to God, to himself, and to everyone he knew that he was indeed a normal boy.

Maybe that was it, maybe he should try to find a new girlfriend. He had been single for a long time, distractions were inevitable. Josh was just that, a distraction.

“Amen.”

The voices of the people in unison pulled Tyler from his reverie, opening his eyes.

Tyler couldn’t take his gaze off the church altar, where some people were beginning to approach the pastor to talk about that Sunday's special sermon. Around him, most people were leaving, while others remained there to chat amongst themselves.

“I think I’ll invite Mr. Dun for lunch today.” Tyler heard his mother say and turned around instantly, unable to hide his panicked expression.

“What? Why?”

“The poor guy lives alone with his dog, single at 35…” Kelly said condescendingly. She was glancing at the pews on the other side of the church, where Josh was chatting with two other people. Always smiling. “I think he’ll appreciate having some company on an Easter afternoon.”

Tyler tried to soften the terror on his face to appear more convincing. “Mom, I don’t think he’ll accept.”

She frowned. “Why not?” And without waiting for an answer, she decided, “I’m going there.” Then walked past her son to meet Josh.

Tyler sighed, sitting down on the pew as he felt his muscles give way.

“Oh my gosh.” He rubbed his hand across his face and up to his hair, beginning to curl the longer strands on top of his head.

His father chuckled from his other side, giving Tyler a light pat on the shoulder. “Leave her alone, Ty, your mother is just trying to do good. Not everything is embarrassing.”

“Inviting a stranger into our house is kind of embarrassing, yeah.” Madison chimed in from the other end of the bench. Next to her, Zack and Jay were playing fight.

“Josh isn’t a stranger, Maddie.” Chris stated, crossing his arms. “He’s a nice guy, he’s helped us a lot at church.”

“Yeah, and he plays drums.” Jay said while being held tightly by Zack’s arms in a chokehold.

“And what does that have to do with it?” Madison asked, laughing.

“It’s cool!”

“Let him go, Zack, you’re going to hurt him.” Chris held one of his son’s arms, and Tyler looked away, sighing.

He wanted to disappear.

The drive home passed in the blink of an eye for Tyler, who could only think about that day’s lunch and replay the scene of Josh waving to him during church. Upon arriving, Tyler went straight to his room. He fell onto his stomach on the bed and covered his face with his hands, squeezing his eyes shut until he saw little bright spots behind his eyelids. His mind was racing. He imagined dozens of possibilities of what would happen when Josh was there, in his house. Eventually, his brain became tired of coming up with plausible scenarios and began to distort all his thoughts in a way that made his head hurt, so he just prayed softly not to do anything wrong and not to act like an idiot. It couldn’t be that difficult.

Tyler didn’t know how long he had been in that position, but his arms were numb when Maddie appeared in the doorway to ask him to set the table with her because the other boys weren’t doing anything right.

“Are you okay, Ty?” Madison asked as they went downstairs. “Your shirt is all wrinkled, you know mom is going to complain.”

“She’s so focused on this lunch thing she won’t even notice.”

“Do you think Mr. Dun is that nice? Everyone seems to like him.”

Tyler shrugged. “I guess so.”

They were finishing setting the table when the doorbell rang and Kelly asked for the thing Tyler dreaded most:

“Tyler, open the door for Mr. Dun!”

He took a deep breath and slowly walked to the front door, seeing Josh’s blurry image through the small window in there. He opened it and, as expected, was greeted with a smile.

“Hi, Tyler! Happy Easter!”

Tyler returned the greeting and glanced at the motorcycle parked in front of the house, making room for the man to enter. He closed the door behind him and asked, pointing to the bag in Josh’s hand which he presumed had a container of food.

“Do you want me to help you with that?”

“No need, thank you. Just tell me where I can put it.”

Perhaps Kelly underestimated the preparation time for the special lunch, as the meal wasn’t ready yet when Chris called Josh to sit on the living room sofa.

Madison was in the kitchen with her mother, Zack and Jay were watching some TV show on the other couch, and Tyler remained standing next to his brothers, his arms crossed and his restless feet betraying the fact that he didn’t know what to do with his own body at that moment. He couldn’t even go back to his room; it would be rude not to entertain the guest.

“Doesn’t Mrs. Joseph need help in the kitchen? I can go there if—” Josh began to speak, and Chris quickly intervened:

“She doesn’t even let us near that stove, Josh, don’t worry about it.”

It was true, Kelly never let the men of the house help her in the kitchen because, according to her, they didn’t have the necessary aptitude. Tyler knew that if they tried, they could simply learn to cook like her, but nothing and no one could convince her that household chores were just activities and not a skill acquired at birth.

“My mother did the same thing at home. My brother Jordan and I only washed the dishes,” Josh said, drawing Tyler’s attention again. “But when I moved out on my own, I had to learn to cook the hard way, and I regretted not insisting that she teach me when I could.”

Chris laughed, patting Josh on the shoulder quite heavily. “That’s why you need a wife, man.”

Josh laughed awkwardly and nodded, looking away at the television without pursuing the subject.

But Chris continued, “That’s what I tell Tyler. He’s 22 and broke up with his first girlfriend two years ago. It’s time to find a nice girl to marry.”

“Dad!” Tyler protested immediately and heard his brothers laughing beside him.

“Are you in college, Tyler?” Josh asked, changing the subject.

“He dropped out.” Jay interjected.

“Me too.” Josh said, surprising Tyler. “I wanted to try being a musician, I had a band, we even went to Japan to do shows… But it didn’t work out and I had to settle for having a job like any other.”

“Tyler also dropped out because of music, but he’s very good.” It was Zack’s turn to interject, and at that point Tyler thought his ears were going to fall off his head from burning with embarrassment.

He wasn’t usually this shy; he could easily get out of awkward situations using his witty and well-known sarcasm, but something about Josh paralyzed him. Tyler didn’t want Josh to even realize he existed, because he was afraid the man would suspect everything that was going on in his head. Anyway, he tried to come to his senses and say something, at least while the subject was still him:

“I have a band with two friends.” Tyler was proud of his band, so he didn’t see a problem in talking about it. “We’re trying to make it work, but we’ve already done some cool things… We just haven’t been to Japan yet.”

That made Josh laugh, which brought an involuntary smile to Tyler’s face.

“What’s the name of your band?”

“Twenty One Pilots.”

“Cool! It’s different. Hard to forget.” Josh adjusted himself on the couch so he could see Tyler better on the other side of the room. “Where does that name come from?”

“Here it comes.” Chris murmured, tired of hearing the same story.

Tyler didn’t mind; he was used to his father’s lack of interest in his band and the inspirations that came from his time dedicated to theater and literature. It was Chris’s dream that his sons would become professional basketball players, and that was Tyler’s dream for a while too, until he realized he could, in fact, have his own desires.

That was something he was learning to deal with. He didn’t always feel comfortable going against norms that seemed intrinsic to him.

Tyler then explained why he chose that name for his band, and Josh showed interest in knowing even more, but Kelly appeared in the room in the middle of a question to announce that lunch was finally ready.

"Are you talking about Tyler’s band?" Without waiting for an answer and without asking him, she invited: "He can play for you later, Mr. Dun! Ty plays the piano beautifully, you can request any song and he’ll know it!” 

“That’s great.” Josh glanced at him one last time before getting up and following Kelly to the kitchen. “I definitely want to hear him play.”

Everyone sat down at the dining room table before Tyler, and the only seat left was next to Josh.

Obviously.

Kelly asked everyone to hold hands for a quick prayer before the meal. Tyler held Mr. Dun’s hand and instantly noticed the difference in size, as well as the rough texture of the calluses acquired from years of drumming. Despite keeping his eyes closed to concentrate, Tyler didn’t hear a single word his mother said besides “amen”, which he repeated as he opened his eyes and let go of Josh’s hand. He mentally thanked her for not having time to start sweating with anxiety.

Although the smell of food was predominant, Josh’s perfume barely allowed Tyler to think straight. While eating, he was hyper-attentive to every movement of the man beside him and felt his whole body vibrate every time Mr. Dun engaged in the conversation at the table and made some humorous comment, eliciting laughter even from Maddie, who questioned the reason for his visit earlier.

At some point, Jay brought up the topic again and asked Josh about the trip to Japan in 1993 with his old band.

Indirectly, Josh ended up clearing up many questions Tyler had about him. Tyler wanted to know what Josh was like in his twenties, and the stories he told showed that he had been a completely different boy from Tyler in some ways, and very similar in others. Ambitious, he gave everything up to pursue a successful career. From the description, Mr. Dun had been sort of a punk, at least in appearance and musical taste. Tyler spent the rest of the meal with the image of a younger version of Josh in his head, mohawk and all. He wondered if they could be friends or if, perhaps, Tyler’s thoughts wouldn’t make him feel so guilty if the age difference between them were smaller.

"Do you still like rock?" Tyler asked during a pause, interested.

“Of course!” Josh turned to him. “I still like metal, punk… But I also really love the more popular music from when I was a kid, like Tears for Fears, Elton John, Kate Bush. Nowadays it’s just old stuff.”

Tyler smiled. “I like old songs, too.”

“Really? What kind of music?”

Although he wanted it to happen at some point, Tyler hadn’t expected his conversation with Josh to take place during their meal, in front of his whole family. He was apprehensive at first, not wanting to give any indication that he thought about Josh in ways his family could never imagine, but they didn’t seem at all interested in the light discussion that developed between the two, and soon Tyler and Josh were lost in their own world for a moment. With each sign that Josh was enjoying the conversation, Tyler relaxed a little more and realized that Josh was, indeed, all that they said about him: interesting, funny, charismatic, and even more handsome when seen so closely.

Tyler was screwed.

At the end of lunch, Josh helped Kelly clear the table, and Tyler acted on impulse by offering to help as well, which resulted in a brush of hands when he and Josh leaned over to pick up the same glass.

Everyone gathered in the living room again because Chris had the brilliant idea of ​​getting old basketball game tapes of the kids for Josh to watch. Tyler didn’t understand the motivation behind wanting to show off his children’s achievements to outsiders, but he didn’t complain and sat on the arm of the larger sofa, where Josh sat on the other end.

Josh made pointed comments like anyone who isn’t really interested in basketball would, and Chris took the opportunity to talk about his favorite subject in the world, happy to have another pair of ears to occupy. Unlike Kelly, Tyler wasn’t watching the television anymore and his siblings managed to leave without anyone noticing; only Madison remained seated on the other couch, but she was using her MP4 player, completely oblivious to her surroundings.

Playing with a loose thread from his pants, Tyler sighed and looked towards Josh, noticing that he was already looking at him.

Just like earlier at church, Josh smiled. No waving this time, just a slight raising of his eyebrows as if he recognized the tedious state of the situation from Tyler’s unmistakable expression.

Tyler suppressed a smile and rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, making the man’s smile widen.

“I’m going to get something to drink,” Tyler announced to no one in particular, getting up to go to the kitchen.

He could ask God for forgiveness later, but sometimes he wished he could drink alcohol to deal with situations like that. However, since any alcoholic beverage was forbidden in that house, he contented himself with pouring the grape juice into a glass and returning to the living room.

Tyler brought the glass to his lips as he returned to the sofa, so, distracted, he didn’t see that Madison had gotten up from her seat and was trying to pass him with her eyes fixed on the device in her hand. The bump was so quick that Tyler doesn’t even know how the glass in his hand tipped over, spilling almost all of its bright purple liquid onto Josh’s shoulder and staining his long-sleeved shirt, which, unfortunately for Tyler, was a very light blue.

Tyler let out a loud gasp and promptly exclaimed:

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Dun!”

Josh stood up, stretching the shirt to detach it from his body. “No, it’s okay! I needed to wash this shirt anyway.”

Kelly and Chris also stood up as if a terrible accident had occurred, and Madison had already left the room to avoid a lecture from her older brother.

“Tyler will lend you a clean shirt, won’t he, Ty?” Kelly approached, her hands raised, unsure of what to do. “Give me this one and I’ll return it washed and ironed at the next service.”

“I don’t want to bother, Mrs. Joseph.”

Kelly started shaking her head, now using her hands to nudge Josh’s clean shoulder toward the stairs. “No, no! Are you going to stay in that wet shirt? Follow Tyler to his bedroom, he’ll lend you a clean one!”

Josh gave in and followed Tyler to his room.

While the young man searched for a shirt he thought might fit Josh, the other looked around the room, absorbing every detail his eyes could reach. It was a way to get to know Tyler better, seeing all those objects that were part of his life. Trophies and medals on shelves on the wall, notebooks and books scattered on the desk, CDs stacked next to a small speaker, and the neon stars stuck to the ceiling that had never been removed.

“Here, Mr. Dun. I’m sorry again.” Tyler appeared in front of Josh with a white t-shirt on his hands.

“It’s alright. And you can just call me Josh.” He offered a smile and picked up the shirt, using his other hand to adjust his glasses.

Tyler returned an awkward smile and put his hands in his pants pockets. “I’ll just—I’ll leave you alone so you can change.”

“Thank you.”

Tyler left the room and closed the door behind him, sighing. He ran his hands forcefully through his hair, suppressing the urge to cry.

It might not be that serious, but he felt he had ruined everything.

He was getting used to Josh’s presence and convincing himself that he didn’t need to run away from something that could become a friendship out of pure fear. Tyler was taking control of the situation and starting to think that maybe he had just confused everything; what he thought was desire was only admiration.

Everything was under control, but now he would be back to square one and blush like an idiot every time Josh looked at him, this time from a different kind of shame. Making a fool of himself in front of a man like Josh was like a punishment. And it could be, indeed, it was a punishment for even considering feeling anything more than camaraderie for Mr. Dun.

“Tyler!” He heard Josh say his name from inside the bedroom and quickly went to open the door, paralyzed when his eyes met the man’s figure standing there in a way he wasn’t expecting.

Josh was now holding Tyler’s white t-shirt in his hand, his torso completely exposed.

All the talk about “confusing admiration with desire” went out the window the moment Tyler’s eyes transmitted the information they had processed to his brain.

Tyler knew Josh had a muscular body; he didn’t wear clothes baggy enough to cover it, and his muscular arms made that quite clear. However, it was the first time Tyler had seen him shirtless, and so close that he could see the freckles on his face spread all over his body. To add a little more torment to his already troubled soul, Josh was wearing pants with such a low waist that Tyler could see the hair below his navel extending down to the waistband of his underwear.

He looked like one of the Calvin Klein models Tyler felt embarrassed to look at every time they passed in front of the store at the mall.

“Oh, hey! It didn’t fit very w—Tyler?”

Tyler didn’t let Josh finish speaking, as he left the room and closed the door in a matter of seconds.

His breathing was heavy, and he just wanted to run away, so he didn’t even think before walking quickly to his parents’ bedroom. He didn’t bother closing the door and leaned against the furniture next to it, closing his eyes tightly to confront that taunting image in his mind.

Tyler didn’t have time to think about anything else, as Josh appeared behind him with a worried expression on his face.

“Tyler? Is everything alright?”

He struggled to compose himself and nodded, heading towards the wardrobe in the room.

“I’ll get you one of my dad’s shirts.”

Tyler grabbed the first shirt he saw and handed it to Josh without even looking at his face, trying to ignore that his torso was still uncovered.

“You can change in my room.” He suggested, sounding more like a plea.

When Josh left, Tyler closed the door and walked to the small balcony to lean against the railing and rest his head on his crossed arms, feeling the late afternoon breeze. With his head bowed, Tyler repeated the prayers he had become accustomed to uttering every time he returned from church since Josh had moved in. This time it was worse, and he felt he should repeat them until his head ached. Perhaps it would be better to kneel right there, but deep down, he knew nothing would alleviate his situation.

He tried to concentrate on anything other than the image of Josh’s body. He tried to distract himself from the burning sensation in his stomach that descended and forced him to cross his legs.

Forgive me for the filthy thoughts I can’t shake. Forgive me for allowing myself to get close to him.

The words were already beginning to jumble in his mind when Tyler heard knocking on the door and footsteps approaching. The scent was enough to tell who was there. He kept his head down, staring at his feet.

“Your parents want you to play a song on the piano before I leave.” Josh’s soft voice sent a shiver down Tyler’s spine that was hard to miss. “And I really want to hear you play.”

“I’m not in the mood right now. Sorry.”

“That’s a shame, you must be a talented musician.” Josh sighed.

Tyler remained silent and Josh spoke again, suddenly talking about something else:

“You know, when I moved here, I thought I could start my life over. My mother always told me I should go back to church to get things back on track, settle down, and finally come to my senses.” Tyler didn’t understand the sudden confession, but he turned to look at the man beside him, who was now wearing a gray t-shirt that fit him well. “I moved back to Ohio and into a new neighborhood to get away from my old life.”

Josh leaned away from the railing and approached Tyler, who turned around so they were face to face.

“My old life wasn’t just playing in a band that didn’t work out, Tyler, it didn’t even last that long.” He shrugged. “I went against the teachings of the church, that’s the main reason I left home.”

Tyler looked into his eyes through his glasses and couldn’t decipher them.

“What do you mean?”

“I thought that moving here, where I don’t know anyone, would help me hide my sins and simply live without thinking about being judged. But I met you on the very day of my first service.”

Tyler’s eyes widened, taking a step back and pressing his body against the railing. He must be misunderstanding everything.

“And why are you telling me this?” He asked, afraid of the answer.

Josh gripped the railing behind Tyler with both arms, trapping him between them. Although not much taller than the other, Josh leaned in so that their gazes were level and their noses almost touched. Tyler watched with exasperation as Josh’s face, illuminated by the orange glow of the sunset, broke into a sly smile as he questioned, almost rhetorically:

“You think I don’t see the way you look at me?”

Tyler felt his stomach drop.

“Mr. Dun, I can—I can explain!” He exclaimed, gathering all the strength he had left to avoid looking down at the lips of the man in front of him. The proximity of their bodies was making him so nervous that he could barely feel his own limbs; his numb legs miraculously kept him standing.

Things worsened when Josh insisted without hesitation, showing no mercy to Tyler for his nervousness. He knew what he wanted.

“Then explain it to me, Tyler. Why do you blush like hell every time you look at me? Why do you stutter every time we talk? Why do I make you so nervous?” Unlike Tyler, Josh looked confidently at the other’s slightly parted lips. “Better yet, explain why I feel like I could kiss you right now.”

Tyler swallowed hard, closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

Tyler opened his eyes again and they fell directly onto Josh’s thin lips, noticing the mark of a piercing that once adorned the lower part of his mouth. “I just don’t… want to say it.”

Josh looked up, taking in every inch of Tyler’s face.

“You can say it. I won’t judge you. He won’t—”

Perhaps as a way to silence both Josh and the voices shouting increasingly contradictory orders in his head, Tyler closed his eyes tightly again and tilted his head forward to seal his lips to Mr. Dun’s.

Josh quickly cupped Tyler’s face in both hands and deepened the kiss with the desire of someone who had wanted it for a long time. Without the same confidence, Tyler placed both hands on his arms.

The kiss didn’t last long, but it was enough to take Tyler’s breath away and leave him lightheaded for a few seconds. There, with the contrast of the gentle wind and the firm touch of Josh’s calloused fingers sending shivers through his body, Tyler understood for a moment that this was all he needed, however much he might deny it, however much he would have to deal with the consequences later. The only thing that mattered in that fraction of time was memorizing the texture of the other man’s lips, his unfading scent, and the warmth emanating from his body, almost completely enveloping Tyler.

Tyler pulled away, letting out a low whimper against Josh’s mouth. He shook his head, looking down, allowing all the guilt to return to his mind, which had experienced peace for a brief moment.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” he lamented.

Josh moved a hand from Tyler’s cheek to his chin, caressing it with his thumb.

"It’s okay, we both want it," Josh whispered reassuringly, bringing their faces closer again and hearing Tyler’s voice so low he almost didn’t understand what he said.

“But it’s wrong.”

Josh gave an understanding smile and leaned in even closer to meet Tyler’s gaze. Just when Tyler thought he was about to answer, the sound he heard made him feel like he might faint right there. There was knocking on the door and someone calling his name.

Tyler didn’t think twice before pushing Josh aside and running to the door, opening it abruptly to find Zack about to knock again. “What is it?” His tone sounded ruder than intended.

“Mom asked me to come see why you two are taking so long.” He looked at Josh, who had already positioned himself behind Tyler. “What are you guys doing here?”

With his heart racing, Tyler told part of the truth:

“None of my shirts fit Josh, so I borrowed one of dad’s for him to wear.”

“Okay.” Zack thankfully didn’t prolong the conversation, but he didn’t leave either. “Mom is asking if you’re going downstairs to play the piano.”

Tyler tried to not make a face. That again.

“I’ll go, just— Let me catch my breath, I’m not feeling very well.”

“Really? What happened?” Zack put his hand on his brother’s shoulder, genuinely worried. Tyler’s body language, in fact, showed that he wasn’t in his usual state.

Tyler shook his head, carefully removing the boy’s hand from his shoulder. “Nothing much, I just think I didn’t digest the food well… I don’t know.”

Zack didn’t seem to believe him.

Tyler turned to Josh behind him but couldn’t look him in the eye as he asked:

“Go with him, I’ll be there in a bit.”

Josh just nodded and left the room, but Zack, before following Josh to the stairs, gave Tyler one last look as if he wanted to say something more. Tyler waited fearfully, but his brother only turned and left him there, alone.

Tyler closed the door with a sob, and that was enough to start the tears falling, as if they had been waiting for a moment of privacy to do so. He went to his parents’ bed to sit there and put his hand to his chest, pulling out from under his shirt the crucifix that had been given to him as a child, to hold it tightly while he cried shamelessly, feeling his face grow wetter and wetter.

The fact was, he didn’t know exactly why he was crying.

Of course, he had kissed a man for the first time. It was Mr. Dun. Handsome, kind, and seemingly attracted to him…?

At the same time as he felt dirty and ashamed for having given in to the desires he had tried so vehemently to suppress, there was also a little relief poured into those tears. Although repressed, he had always been curious about the sensation of kissing a man — and it was all so different. Different because he didn’t feel like it was an obligation. The knot in his stomach resembled when, at the amusement park, he ventured onto a dangerous ride and, despite the fear, wanted to repeat the experience just to feel that momentary adrenaline rush again.

Tyler gently touched his own mouth with his fingertips and couldn’t fight a small smile as he remembered the movement of Josh’s lips against his, hungry, even though the man hadn’t pressured him to turn the kiss into anything more. After observing Mr. Dun for so long and trying to convince himself that he didn’t desire him as a man, discovering for himself that he was desired by Josh changed something inside Tyler like nothing before had.

Josh wasn’t a distraction, but the answer.

“The piano,” he whispered to himself, suddenly getting up to go to the door while quickly wiping the tears from his eyes. When he reached the top of the stairs, he could hear Josh’s voice and his family saying goodbye.

Tyler rushed down the stairs, skipping two steps at a time, and only avoided falling because he had already embarrassed himself too much that afternoon. He appeared in the living room with wide eyes, as if he had something very important to say to all the confused faces now staring at him.

“Are you crazy?” Madison asked, ignored by her older brother, who stated:

“Josh still hasn’t seen me play the piano.”

Everyone exchanged glances as if Tyler were speaking another language, but Kelly gestured with her hands and celebrated.

“Finally! I thought you were going to make my guest leave empty-handed.”

Tyler gave a nervous laugh and looked at Josh, who smiled at him as if he understood his entire intention behind that sudden gesture.

Everyone gathered around the wooden piano in the corner of the room, sitting on the arms of the sofas or standing. Tyler sat on the bench and, as he placed his hands on the keys, noticed that they were slightly trembling.

“What do you want to hear?” he asked, receiving the expected answer from Josh:

“Whatever you want to play.”

He could have played some gospel music to please his parents, or done the obvious and play an original song to impress Josh, but he preferred to do something else.

He had only played that song once in his life, alone, just to warm up; so he needed a second to remember what it sounded like. As he played the first notes of Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” Tyler tried to suppress the urge to look at Josh. At first, Tyler focused on playing the right keys and not messing things up with nervousness. As the song progressed, the movements felt natural, and he allowed himself to close his eyes, letting himself be carried away by the sound of the instrument he loved so much.

Without realizing it, he murmured part of the lyrics with his head down. “You can’t plant me in your penthouse, I’m going back to my plough.” And hearing an affirmative sound from Josh, he decided to sing the rest aloud.

When the song ended, Tyler heard the applause and turned his back to the piano, bowing in reverence while gesturing exaggeratedly with his hands.

“Thank you, thank you.” He lifted his head again with a smile. Music made him feel lighter and more confident; he could play for hours if asked.

“You sing and play better than him.” Josh spoke so seriously that Tyler frowned, genuinely confused.

“Who?”

“Elton John.”

That made him laugh so heartily that Tyler let his head fall back, squinting.

“You’re very generous, Mr. Dun.”

Josh shrugged, smiling too. “I just told the truth.”

For a moment, Tyler met Josh’s hazel eyes and couldn’t break eye contact. Both had easy smiles on their faces and seemed lost in the moment they shared, even surrounded by so many other people.

It wasn’t the first time they’d found themselves in that situation, and Tyler feared it wouldn’t be the last.

Chris, like the others, must not have found all that silence comfortable, because he interrupted to suggest, “Why don’t you play some gospel music, Tyler?”

Tyler looked at his father and Josh suddenly stood up.

“I’d love to spend hours listening to Tyler play, really.” Josh adjusted the borrowed shirt that was now under his leather jacket. “But I really need to go. Jim—my dog, has been alone for a long time.”

“Oh, that’s alright, Josh! But it’s a shame.” Kelly also stood up to take him to the door. “We all loved the visit.”

Josh turned around and looked at Tyler still sitting at the piano, as if calling him. Tyler stood up.

“And I loved being your guest today. Thank you for the food, it was great.”

“Yours too, dear. As soon as we meet again at church, I’ll give you your shirt and your bowl.” Kelly assured him, and Josh shook his head, already in front of the door. 

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Joseph, no need to rush. Happy Easter to you all.” Again, the man’s gaze shifted to Tyler and this time he spoke directly to him: “Are you coming with me, Tyler? You said you wanted to take a look at my motorcycle.”

Tyler frowned for a split second because he didn’t remember saying that. Despite this, he nodded, following the man to the sidewalk where the motorcycle was.

The door was slightly ajar, and Tyler made sure no one was looking out the window to honestly ask, “When did I say that?”

“Do you think you can escape at 11?” Josh asked back, completely ignoring the other’s words.

Again, a confused expression took over Tyler’s face. “What?”

“I wanted to see you again later, do you think you can?” Josh spoke softly as if he were telling him a secret.

Looking at the motorcycle in front of him, Tyler thought for a moment. He had never ridden a motorcycle before; he didn’t have a reason, he just had never had the opportunity.

“Josh, I…” Tyler looked at Josh again as he began to answer and didn’t even realize he had called him by his first name this time. Anyway, he couldn’t think about it much because the man quickly interrupted him hurriedly:

“It’s okay if you don’t want to, I’m practically a stranger inviting you out late at night without even—”

“I can.”

Josh’s eyes lit up and he gave that smile that warmed any evening chill.

“I didn’t think you’d accept.” He chuckled softly, looking a little silly with joyful surprise. “Okay. Text me when it’s time and I’ll be here in a few minutes.”

Tyler nodded and took his phone out of his pocket to write down Josh’s number in his contact list. Josh grabbed his helmet from the top of the motorcycle, climbed onto the vehicle and remembered to ask:

“By the way, what do I need to do to see you sing again?”

Tyler smiled shyly, quickly glancing down and wetting his lips with the tip of his tongue to reply in a tone that sounded almost sweet, “I can give you the flyer for the next show when we meet later, what do you think?”

“Deal.” Underneath his helmet, Josh winked. He started the motorcycle and said goodbye with a “see you later” before speeding off and disappearing down the road illuminated by the sickly yellow of the streetlights.

Tyler spent more time than necessary standing there in front of his house, staring blankly at nothing in particular while replaying the entire previous scene in his mind as if it hadn’t just happened.

When he returned home, he was greeted by Zack’s questions.

“What was he talking to you about? Why did you take so long to get back?”

Tyler wasn’t surprised by the interrogation. Being the brother closest in age to him, Zack was usually jealous of his friends.

“He just wanted to know where my next show was,” he said, already going up to his room and giving no space for more questions.

Tyler couldn’t think of anything else besides the date he had with Josh for the rest of the night.

Dinner was small because everyone was still a little full from lunch. After his shower, Tyler put on his pajamas to spend some time in the living room playing video games with his siblings so as not to arouse suspicion about his behavior and to act as if it were a normal night.

Sometime before 11, everyone had already retired to their respective rooms, and Tyler was walking down the second-floor hallway when he heard Josh’s name being mentioned in his parents’ bedroom, which had its door ajar. He thought about letting it go and leaving, but curiosity wouldn’t let him move.

“He’s a really good, considerate guy… Did you see how he helped me clear the table?” Kelly said.

Then Chris’s voice chimed in, “I just find it strange that he still doesn’t have a wife, kids… At that age, we already had three.”

“He said he recently started attending church again, after a long time. He’s probably already eyeing someone in the community… And if he needs help, I can assist him with that; it won’t be difficult to find a nice girl for such a good man.”

Tyler decided that was enough. Before walking away, he could hear Chris teasing his wife.

“Why am I not surprised with you trying to play cupid?”

Tyler tried not to think too much about how it was his mother who helped bring him together with his ex-girlfriend and locked himself in his room to open his wardrobe. He grabbed a pair of jeans, the warmest jacket he owned, and hesitated about what shirt to wear. His mother always encouraged him to wear a button-down shirt to look more presentable, but Tyler pushed the thought away and chose a t-shirt he liked to wear. His mother’s opinion also crossed his mind when he looked in the mirror to fix his hair. If it were up to her, he would have shaved off those sideburns and goatee years ago. He analyzed his own face and, once again, dismissed the thought.

The more time passed, the more restless he became, and doubt consumed his thoughts.

Maybe he shouldn’t go.

The confidence he felt after playing the piano for Josh had already vanished, giving way to guilt once more. He couldn’t have liked that kiss, much less given the other man hope that it would happen again, especially not on the same night.

What was he thinking? He’d never run away from home before for anything other than playing with his friends in the street when he was a child. It wasn’t like his life was a romance movie where he could sneak out and come back unnoticed.

A romance movie with another man, no less.

This was so wrong; he couldn’t have let himself be carried away by the feeling the kiss had brought earlier. It was reckless and dangerous.

The knot in his stomach made Tyler lie down on the bed fully dressed to go out, shoes and all. After a few minutes, the tears began.

He wanted to vomit until he got those thoughts out of his head—every single thought, from those that condemned him to a slow and painful death, to those that told him there was nothing wrong with diving headfirst into what he felt for Josh. Nothing was ever reasonable with Tyler.

With blurred vision, Tyler groped around the bed until he found his cellphone. He searched for Josh’s contact and opened the messages, typing the first ones:

[Tyler]

i won’t be able to see you again today

sorry

Tyler turned off his phone and put it under his pillow so he wouldn’t see the reply immediately.

He cried himself to sleep.

When he woke up with his eyes sensitive due the bright light of his room, he picked up his phone from under his pillow to check the time and it was already 2 a.m. He took a deep breath and clicked on the message icon with a new notification, reading what Josh had sent just one minute after his apology message:

[Josh :)]

It’s okay (-;

Rest a bit, it’s getting late

Tyler put his pajamas back on and turned off the bedroom light. He placed his phone on the bedside table and covered himself up to his head, curling up into a fetal position.

Less than 10 minutes later, he picked up his phone again and, still under the covers, typed in the full address of the venue for his band’s next show, along with the time and date on Friday.

The reply came the next morning.

[Josh :)]

See you there

Needless to say, Tyler spent the rest of the week thinking about that show.

His mind was so confused that he couldn’t even explain why he had invited Josh. He knew the man wanted to hear him sing again, but he could simply avoid him since he knew it wasn’t right to find ways to get close to him and create openings for that to happen again.

The problem was that Tyler kind of wanted it to happen again.

Call him crazy, indecisive, whatever. Tyler would agree wholeheartedly.

It was wrong, literally a sin, but Tyler wanted to see Josh again and have that same pleasant feeling from when he played the piano for him, or when he made him laugh… Or when he kissed him.

The guilt that consumed him was immense and disgusting, but the pleasure and anticipation of a replay wouldn’t let him simply try to forget Josh. It was certainly easier when it was just glances—the mistake was taking the next step, and there was no going back.

Well, there was. But Tyler wanted to see where it would lead.

Maybe they wouldn’t kiss again. Just seeing Josh and talking to him was enough. He literally just wanted that feeling one more time.

Tyler couldn’t think of anything else. Conflicting thoughts about their next meeting invaded his mind while working at the retail store, during band practice with his friends Chris and Nick, during family meals, and especially during moments when he was alone, whether writing, playing the piano, or simply doing nothing. Countless times he picked up his phone and clicked on his messages with Josh, trying to say something. He always gave up, either because he had nothing to say, because he was afraid of bothering him, or because he thought what he was doing was wrong.

Tyler kept going back and forth until Friday arrived. At that moment, he thought Josh might not even show up for the concert, and he wouldn’t have to worry anymore about what he was doing ruining his life.

“You’re acting weird,” Zack said from the other couch, looking at his brother.

It was almost showtime. Tyler was wearing a white t-shirt, his usual gray sweatshirt and black jacket, plus his beige pants and Vans; it was a cold night. He and Zack were eating snacks while they waited for Tyler to go to the venue.

“Why?”

“You seem nervous. You almost never get nervous before shows.” The boy argued, and Tyler thought of something reasonable to say, but couldn’t come up with anything but an excuse.

“It’s your imagination.”

“I know you, Ty.”

“We’re playing for a bigger crowd tonight, that’s all.” He made it up, hoping Zack didn’t know the exact capacity of the venue where they were performing.

The other didn’t seem very convinced, but didn’t ask any more questions.

On the way to the venue, Tyler became more focused.

He, Chris, and Nick organized the equipment and instruments, did the soundcheck, and people started arriving, distracting his mind from the subject that had been on his mind for days.

The performance was great. The audience couldn’t have been better, and everything went as planned. Tyler was radiant and sweating as if he’d run a marathon, but that was his normal state after spending more than an hour jumping around on a small stage. He might be confused about every other aspect of his life, but music remained a certainty he wasn’t willing to give up. On stage, he detached himself from everything happening outside and transformed into the best version of himself.

However, he couldn’t lie. During two or three breaks, Tyler searched for Josh in the crowd, but the lighting and the number of people didn’t help, and he didn’t find him all night.

After the show, Tyler chatted with some fans and people interested in the band, took photos, and gave some autographs. By then, the crowd had dispersed, so he was able to sit at the edge of the stage with the instruments already disassembled and pick up his cell phone, feeling his heart race as he saw the notification of a new message sent less than five minutes ago.

[Josh :)] 

I’m near the exit. Can I talk to you?

[Tyler]

coming

After making sure his friends would take care of the band’s equipment, Tyler walked to the exit door with both hands in his jacket pockets, the hood of his sweatshirt covering his head from the cold wind that blew as he stood outside. He looked for Josh until he found the man with his back to him, leaning against his parked motorcycle.

Tyler jogged towards him, nudging the shoulder covered by a leather jacket different from the one Josh had worn when he left on Sunday.

Josh turned around and smiled broadly when he saw him.

“Hey! There’s the lead singer!” Tyler snorted. “Your songs are amazing! You’re incredible on stage, Tyler, really.”

“Thank you.” He thanked him sincerely. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“I really liked it. You don’t even look like the shy boy who talked to me at your house.”

Tyler’s smile faltered and he looked down at the floor, taking one hand out of his jacket pocket to run it through his hair under his hood, twirling the same strands as always.

“Sorry I didn’t go out with you that night.”

Josh had an understanding expression. Behind his glasses, his kind eyes scanned Tyler’s face. “Don’t say that. I was too hasty, I’m the one who should apologize.”

“It’s okay…” Tyler took his hand out of his hair. He needed to stop doing that in front of other people. “I just wasn’t ready. A lot happened that Sunday.”

With a small smile, Josh placed his hand on the second helmet atop the motorcycle, finally drawing Tyler’s attention to the object. “And you think you’re ready now?”

“No.” He chuckled, shrugging. “But I want to try.”

He didn’t know why, but he really wanted to. Maybe he was making a terrible decision that he couldn’t go back on, and he was certainly going against everything he’d been taught his whole life. He definitely didn’t know exactly what he would do after that night, but at that moment, he just wanted to get out of there on the back of Josh’s motorcycle and not look back.

Despite everything, he was still 22 years old, after all.

“Can I get you out of here?”

That phrase intoxicated his mind so much that Tyler didn’t even see himself nodding, grabbing and putting on his helmet to sit on the motorcycle before Josh could even do it.

When Josh sat down with the other helmet on his head, he started the motorcycle and looked at Tyler in the rearview mirror.

“You can hug my waist if you want.”

Tyler felt himself blush as he wrapped his arms around Josh’s waist, holding his own hand in front of the man’s body and feeling that warmth he had missed so much.

This was where he wanted to be.

The motorcycle started and quickly gained speed, bringing a completely new sensation to Tyler. It was a strange mix of fear and excitement, exactly what he felt every time he was too close to Josh. The danger of not knowing where they were going and whether that speed was safe, combined with the comfort of having his body intertwined with Josh’s, knowing that the other wouldn’t let him get hurt.

He wished helmets weren’t a safety rule just so he could rest his face against the cold leather covering the man’s back and feel the strong wind against his hair. Nevertheless, the feeling of freedom was still present, even though he didn’t have the courage to open his arms poetically in the middle of the road.

“Having a good time?” Josh asked loudly in front of him and he replied in the same tone, trying to raise his voice above the roar of the engine:

“Yes!”

“We’re almost there.”

Tyler didn’t know what to expect, so he was surprised when Josh stopped the motorcycle on top of a hill.

“I can take you somewhere else later, but I wanted to be alone with you for a while.” The man said after they had both taken off their helmets and gotten off the vehicle. “If you want, we can find another place more—”

Tyler shook his head, looking at the horizon ahead. Late at night in a remote part of the city, the starry sky seemed even more beautiful. “I think this is nice.”

“Really?”

He turned to Josh, nodding. Tyler leaned back on the motorcycle and felt safe enough to ask, “And why did you want to be alone with me so much?”

Josh smiled slyly, positioning himself in front of the other. “To talk more… To spend more time with you. I haven’t been able to get you out of my head since Sunday. Actually, since January.”

Because of their positions, Tyler had to lift his chin to meet Josh’s eyes, observing him through his long eyelashes. “I can’t say you’re the only one.”

Mr. Dun brought one hand to Tyler’s face, caressing his cheek. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yeah.” 

Tyler watched the other approach until their lips met, and only then did he close his eyes, raising his hands to Josh’s shoulders. Although it was only their second kiss, Tyler couldn’t suppress the sound of approval that escaped his lips, happy to be there again. Josh’s lips had the same slightly chapped texture and even the cold breeze sent shivers down Tyler’s neck just as it had the first time. It was still a chaste kiss, but Josh placed both hands on Tyler’s waist and brought their bodies a little closer together.

The both of them had spent the whole week thinking about that moment. It was undeniable.

Josh then pulled away slightly. He touched the tips of their noses, chilled by the cold, and gazed into Tyler’s brown eyes, which stared back at him.

“You looked so beautiful on that stage.” Josh gave him a quick kiss and leaned back a little more to look Tyler up and down, as if admiring him.

Tyler couldn’t see such beauty in his post-show appearance, but he let himself be swept away by the compliment and kissed Josh on the cheek. He kept his lips brushing against the man’s face, feeling the roughness of his stubble. There was something about Mr. Dun that made him not want to move even an inch away. “Why were you so far away? I didn’t even see you there.”

“I didn’t want to distract you.”

Tyler laughed.

“Okay, Joshua.”

The bright smile Josh had been holding back spread across his face. He turned his head to the side to face Tyler. “I really like how my name sounds in your voice.”

Tyler playfully rolled his eyes and lifted his head to kiss him again. This time, his hands left Josh’s shoulders, replaced by arms that wrapped around his neck.

He hadn’t known that kissing someone could feel so good.

Josh seemed to read his mind, for in that same instant he ran the tip of his tongue along Tyler’s lower lip, eliciting a barely audible moan, but allowing Josh to deepen the kiss and make it more passionate. They surrendered to the act in such a way that they lost track of time and the ability to breathe properly. When Josh brought the kiss to a lingering end, sucking on Tyler’s lower lip, Tyler was breathing heavily and his face was completely red. Josh, not entirely satisfied, used his mouth to trace a path to Tyler’s neck and begin to place small, wet kisses there, leaving trails as hot as embers. In an impulse, Josh moved his hands from Tyler’s waist to his butt.

Tyler had to come out of the trance to intervene. He took both of Josh’s hands and placed them back on his waist, under his jacket, embracing his gray sweatshirt.

Josh chuckled and buried his face in the crook of the young man’s neck. “Sorry, I got a little carried away.”

Tyler smiled, happy to know that even a man like Mr. Dun had his moments of almost youthful impulsiveness.

“It’s okay.”

He wasn’t ready yet, that was all. Besides, they were still outside.

Josh straightened his body and held Tyler’s jaw to lower his head slightly, allowing him to place a kiss on his forehead. Tyler smiled more broadly, which soon received a kiss too. He hadn’t expected so much affection.

“Want to go get something to eat?” Josh asked suddenly, surprising Tyler.

Thinking about it, he really should get something to eat. The last time he had done so was hours before the show started.

Tyler leaned away from the motorcycle, forcing Josh to step back. He picked up one of the helmets and handed it to Josh, then took his own.

“Can we go somewhere really far away? I think I want to spend more time riding around with you.”

Josh’s eyes seemed to sparkle under the starry sky.

“I’ll take you wherever you want, Tyler.”