Work Text:
Shen Yuan is soon about to regret being born, but blissfully unaware, he drives to meet Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky.
To be clear, this isn't the first time they're meeting. Though he wouldn't call Xiang Fei his friend, he's kind of the only person in his life outside of his family. And since Proud Immortal Demon Way officially wrapped up, he isn't really busy waiting for chapters to drop anymore.
It's been one year since the novel ended and the rabid fan base it acquired had nothing better to do than to organize an event about it.
And Shen Yuan ‐ the complete idiot he is - agreed to not only show his thin face, but actually participate in an interview with him and Airplane, watched by tens- hundreds(???) of eager listeners.
His first and probably last meet and greet of sorts, since he'll probably have to kill Xiang Fei and himself both at the end of it, just to make sure he isn't there to witness people arguing with him and being horribly, irredeemably wrong to his face.
When he left his place to go crash at Airplane's (disgusting) apartment, he didn't fully realize that this is indeed real life and there will be live witnesses to this. In his head, a sea of figures with different profile pictures for faces watched him yap for an hour and then... fade to black, nothing after, it's done.
Credits roll and he magically teleports back to his place, pretending nothing ever happened.
But noooo- he has to admit, he was horribly, irredeemably wrong.
There's hours – h-o-u-r-s – until the convention is over after the talkshow. He figures he'll have to either bury himself alive or suffer a life-threatening injury to get out of there.
Because unfortunately, he's Airplane's ride, and as much as he'd love to ditch the place early, that rat might not speak to him ever again.
Which would be bad. Not because he's lonely, no, it's just that Xiang Fei is a bit of a pity case for him.
It's like leaving behind a malnourished, dirty, flea-infested, stinky stray cat. And Shen Yuan isn't a monster.
He's very much not looking forward to seeing half-naked cosplayers swarming the place, clearly wearing cheap and poorly crafted versions of the lavish clothing Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky described in his book.
Not like it'll matter much anyway, since ninety percent of those clothes canonically get ripped to pieces by Luo Binghe (go figure).
A hundred percent if you count those that get destroyed in a fight (yikes).
Regardless, he pulls over and checks the backseat, where his ugly stray cat is loudly snoring, mask on his face and a painted zhuyin on his forehead, a mess of black hair tied in a lazy bun.
Shen Yuan insisted on at least washing it before the convention. A few arguing-filled minutes later, he agreed to pay for Airplane's water bill after. There's nothing much he could do about the eyebags or the clothes Xiang Fei was practically swimming in, but he's ready to accept small victories.
He isn't sure if he's excited or nervous for the moment Airplane's fan base realizes their beloved author looks more like a scared teenager fresh out of mommy's basement than a Luo Binghe on a noble steed with women hanging onto all five of his limbs.
He gets out of the car and the sound of the door slamming shut wakes Xiang Fei.
He whines and stretches his arms a bit, then takes off his mask and wipes the drool from his face.
Then he realizes where he is and why he's where he is and he excitedly jumps out of his seat and out of the car.
"Woah, thanks for driving me bro! Your car is so fancy!" he says, grabbing the little stuff he has with him out of the trunk.
"You say that every time I drive you somewhere," Shen Yuan sighs, "I got the message."
"Oof, so spicy! I might burn myself!" says Xiang Fei, fanning his face. He's not bothered by Shen Yuan's coldness at all. It's been driving him crazy for years.
"You got all your stuff?" Airplane asks, throwing his own bag over his shoulder, and getting ready to close the trunk.
"This is all my stuff," Shen Yuan notes, vaguely pointing at himself, nothing with him but his phone and wallet, and the green face mask on his chin.
"Nooo~ no it isn't! You didn't take Mr. Peerless with you."
"I'm not taking the stuffed cucumber. And don't call it that."
"Him, not it, don't be disrespectful, bro."
"Tell that to all the women in your dumbfuck novel, moron."
"Please, Cucumber-bro, he's my emotional support stuffed cucumber! Besides, he's the cutest cucumber on the market! He's got a little mustache and all!!"
Shen Yuan is not convinced. "Maybe you're used to public humiliation, but I'd rather stay away from it, thank you very much."
"Oh I'm more than used to it," Airplane laughs, winking at him. Shen Yuan tries not to throw up. Xiang Fei reaches into the car, taking out the fluffy green monstrosity and tucking it under his arm. He grabs Shen Yuan by the sleeve and drags him to the convention.
As they walk in, Shen Yuan starts wondering. It baffles him how many people attempted to cosplay Luo Binghe. It's a thought that's generally incomprehensible to him.
Luo Binghe is canonically the hottest man alive. Who has the self confidence to mimic that? And to botch it so badly– Doesn't it bother them?
Apparently not. Human beings really are fascinating. He lets himself get dragged to several spots, even lends his "bro" some pocket money to spend on snacks.
The sheer shock from seeing all those actual real-life people, who actually, really read Proud Immortal Demon Way and genuinely enjoyed it, enough to show up, is frankly too much.
All he can do is stare and follow the gentle tug at the sleeve of his hoodie.
It's happened. I died. I died and this is my personal hell. I'm forever stuck with people who like PIDW.
"Alright dude, they have microphones and all, isn't that cool? I made them put a cucumber sticker on yours. My fans are so considerate! Well, they probably just found it funny. Onto the stage we go!"
Oh. It's happening. It somehow got worse.
He walks onto the stage and sits himself down onto the folding chair prepared for him. He gets a nametag that says "Peerless Cucumber" on it. He so hopes nobody recognizes him on the street after this. Off to his left, Xiang Fei fidgets with his own nametag, lovingly labeled "Boss Airplane" clearly uncomfortable with the pedestal he's being put up on.
Not because he's humble, but because he most certainly isn't going to live up to the expectations. Even the organizers of the interview look a little startled handing him his microphone with a paper airplane sticker on it.
"Mr Peerless" is tucked safely into his arms for comfort. The people seem to love it. Shen Yuan will gag!
The interviewer is, unsurprisingly, a man. Shen Yuan is already afraid of questions that this guy cooks up- dating advice? Maybe asking "Boss Airplane" how he wrote the spiciest scenes? How much - cough - experience he has? What sort of shaming will Shen Yuan get? How many people will slander him?
He already wishes to sink into the ground and die. His head is a whirlwind of "Why did I do this?", "What will they ask me?" and "What's the quickest way to kill myself right. now."
Airplane begins to talk, introducing himself and "his biggest hater, who came to be his best bro, and most valued beta-reader".
Shen Yuan raises the microphone to greet the crowd. He pictures a sea of profile pictures. Alright.
"Hey, you degenerates," he says. The listeners actually laugh at his insult. It's pretty much like talking to Xiang Fei. A sea of PFPs turns into many, many Airplanes, looking at him with the same teasing smile, daring him to take the argument further.
The inteviewer chuckles and starts the "show" with asking Xiang Fei to catch up the fans with how he's doing since PIDW ended.
Airplane lies his ass off, but the crowd seems fairly oblivious and happy with the response. Shen Yuan tries to not roll his eyes. Thank god he's wearing a mask.
The rest of the interview passes by pretty okay. Some of the questions are pretty gross, but thankfully aimed at Xiang Fei and Shen Yuan has to admit, he's a pretty good actor.
At one point, the interviewer asks him to make up a scene on the spot and Airplane really pulls off a porn scene right then and there, straight out of his ass. The classic Airplane-10k words a day-Shooting-Towards-The-Sky amazes the disgusting freaks once again.
When Peerless Cucumber is asked to comment on his performance, he takes a deep breath and steadily begins to spit out insult after insult and pointing out how rotten his brain must be to think about this so quickly, and the rest gets lost in the laughter of their listeners.
"I'm serious!" he screams, but the crowd only laughs more.
Shen Yuan gets red in the face and Xiang Fei himself, even with a mask on, is visibly grinning ear to ear.
I will make you pay for this, Airplane. Is this what people burned at the stake felt like explaining they're not a witch?
The interview slowly wraps up and both of them are glad to get off the stage.
Xiang Fei looks a tiny bit dazed, but as he's walking down the makeshift stairs, he frowns and limps a little. He looks really uncomfortable.
Shen Yuan stretches his arms and legs a little and walks over to him. "What is it?" he asks, poking him in the shoulder.
Xiang Fei sighs. "My bandage slipped off, I'm bleeding."
Oh. OH. This. Airplane is still doing that stuff?
Didn't they have an agreement? Smoking, knife, alcohol - you can only have two! It's a deal he made him agree to months ago! And he knows damn well his apartment smells like cigarettes. And they drank together just yesterday! What a liar!
Airplane sighs. "Can you help me redo it? Please? Whenever I do it, it keeps slipping off."
Shen Yuan frowns. "Fine. But we'll talk about this when we get back. Don't think you're off the hook just because we're in public." Xiang Fei laughs nervously. "Of course, of course, thanks dude."
"Where is it?" Shen Yuan asks impatiently, reaching for a bottle of hand sanitizer in Airplane's bag.
"Um," Xiang Fei remarks, "my... leg."
"Alright, let's stop somewhere, roll your jeans up."
"Uh," Xiang Fei continues, "It's... it's pretty high up." He gets red in the face. "Sorry man, I can't roll them up that high."
Shen Yuan pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Fine. Toilets. Now."
Xiang Fei showers him with half-assed apologies and many, many thanks, but Shen Yuan doesn't wanna hear it.
If the idiot just stopped doing that crap, none of this would be necessary.
They walk into an empty bathroom, a miracle really, right past the urinals and into the singular stall. Xiang Fei laughs nervously. Shen Yuan shoot him a look and puts the toilet seat down. "Sit down. Let's get this over with." Xiang Fei unzips his pants, turning every shade of red under the sun and does as he's told.
Shen Yuan carefully sits down on the ground, examining the ugly picture before him.
From under his boxers, a worn out, bloody bandage is peeking out, clearly tied way too loosely around his thigh.
"Do you have a spare one?" Shen Yuan asks, untieing the lazily done knot quickly. "No," Xiang Fei says, voice dripping with guilt.
"What? This one's all bloody, I can't use it! How old is the blood anyway? What if you get it infected?!" He stops himself from slapping Airplane on the face. He'd deserve it, but Shen Yuan is nice like that.
"Hey, it's not that bad! It's still mostly white! I gotta ration them, those things don't come for cheap!"
Shen Yuan shakes his head in disappointment. This guy.
"It's too short, too. No wonder it doesn't hold."
Airplane shrugs. "Gotta ration!"
"I'll do my best, but you have got to redo this when you get home. Or I won't pay your water bill."
Xiang Fei whines, but is ultimately grateful for the favor.
Shen Yuan gets to tying, placing the least dirty part onto the cuts and trying to tie the thing as tightly as possible.
"So what was it this time? Don't hit me with the 'drunken mistake' excuse. Was it bills? I told you, you have to text me if you're having money trouble."
Xiang Fei looks away. "No, it wasn't that..."
"So what?" Shen Yuan grumbles, "The guy you're crushing on?"
Xiang Fei shifts around, causing Shen Yuan to shoot him another angry look.
"I... well, maybe..."
Shen Yuan rolls his eyes internally. He never understood the whole pining thing. Just confess! So much easier. At this point, Shen Yuan might do it for him.
"The waiter?" He shoots.
"No..."
"The doctor?"
"...No..."
"What, your landlord?"
"... N- What? Ew, no! Are you-"
They're interrupted by the sound of a doorknob. Both of them freeze. Xiang Fei's eyes go wide and he carefully points to the stall's lock. Shen Yuan nods. It's locked. Xiang Fei looks a little relieved but both of them are still a little too scared to breathe.
Shen Yuan feels his soul die as the footsteps travel not to the urinals, but right in front of the door of the bathroom stall. They can pull this off.
There's three polite knocks at the door. One of them has to answer.
Xiang Fei isn't going to, so it's on him.
"Occupied!" He says, in perfect unison with Airplane.
Airplane's hand shoots to his mouth immediately and he keels over in pure embarassement.
Shen Yuan feels his life flash before his eyes. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. The bandage falls to the ground. Neither of them tries to pick it up. They're both too busy trying their best not to breathe.
The guy outside the door seems to be either hesitant or shocked.
Then he says two words that make both of them want to die on the spot: "Uh... Feiji-ge? ... Peerless... Cucumber..?"
Fuck. FUCK!
The interview! Fucking everyone knows what their voices sound like! They heard them through a microphone for an hour straight, just a few minutes ago!
Xiang Fei's soul seems to be leaving his body. The two of them stay silent. No denial. No confirmation.
We have the right to remain silent about anything that might incriminate us, officer. I demand a lawyer!
Then, an unexpected noise from Airplane.
He snorts. He's still holding his hand over his own mouth, but hes shaking with suppressed laughter, letting out only short, tea kettle-like wheezes.
Shen Yuan looks at him with murder in his eyes. He puts his own hands against Airplane's mouth too, hoping to suffocate him in the process.
Shutthefuckup!
Xiang Fei seems to be just as regretful, but he's fully red now, looking like he's about to explode.
"...Um..." sounds from outside the door and Xiang Fei leans back in barely audible laughter, squeezing his eyes shut.
Shutupshutupshutupshutup-!!!
The man waiting outside clears his throat, clearly feeling just as awkward.
"You uh... you guys... enjoy yourselves..?"
After what felt like hours, he leaves.
The door shuts behind him, and the pair waits.
Several moments pass.
"OH MY GOD, WE'RE DONE!" screams Xiang Fei, laughing hysterically.
"FUCK, I'LL KILL YOU!!!" screams Shen Yuan, head in his hands.