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I feel lost and detached.Tup’s…Tup’s not here, he’s in the medbay and I’m worried sick about him. After I spent the whole night in the medical bay, without sleep, Kix convinced me to go take a nap in the barracks.
Well, I couldn’t disobey his order. What kind of soldier would that make me?
Certainly, Kix knows what he’s doing.
On top of that, Fives told me not to go to the medical bay for a while. Something about being away easing the anxiety. I’m actually pretty sure that he’s lying, but why would he?
Also, it’s not like I’ll argue with an ARC Trooper telling me that Tup’ll probably recover better when alone and do something against his words.
"Hey Dogma. You know anything about Tup?" A voice interrupts my spiralling thoughts and I almost fall off my bunk, startled. A quiet laughter erupts, but it quickly dies down and I manage to climb back on it. I don’t even know how I should reply to Jesse’s question. It hurts, I have no idea how he’s doing, Fives made it clear that I should let Tup rest. I open my mouth to say something, perhaps repeating that I don’t know anything, but I just let out a shy squeak. And Jesse laughs. I don’t like it, but I can’t just tell him that, he’s higher ranking than I, so it wouldn’t end well.
Feeling my cheeks burning with shame, I get off the bunk and leave the barracks, desperate to be anywhere but here, with other…clones. I wish to have Tup by my side, Puncher, Cabur or CT-6834 would be alright too, but…they’re gone. But Tup’s the best at translating my insecurities and shyness to other clones.
Without him, I’m…just closing up, letting no one in, refusing to speak or socialise. It just how I am, I tried to change it many times, but it never worked. According to Tup, it was a bit different before…well, before my reconditioning. We usually avoid this topic, but he told me enough that I know that I used to be more outgoing, and less rule-following. I can’t even imagine that. It feels wrong.
But it’s not like I’m happy about being reconditioned in the past. If I wasn’t, perhaps I’d be like the others, like the older clones in our, now nearly half-empty, barracks.
I stop, too caught up in my thoughts before, and realise that I’m standing in front of shooting range. Might as well practise.
It doesn’t seem like anyone will come looking for me. I hear many conversations. Hushed voices, when they think I’m asleep. Despite it being a very short time that I’m in Torrent, it seems that everyone has an opinion about me already. A quiet, always confused, out of place regulation-spouting clone.
Despite the impression that I know my attachment to regulations makes, I need someone to talk to, or sometimes hug as well as others, even if I’m likely the most socially awkward clone in the entire GAR. Fives probably knows that I’m a little lonely, being with me when I broke down on the first day after battle, but he doesn’t seem to care anymore. At least, not for me: I saw him by Tup’s side, earlier. Him, someone who barely knows Tup, there, instead of me.
In order to quiet the ringing in my ears, I start shooting target after target. It’s calming, imagining that each target is one of my problems.
Tup, wounded. Shot.
My crippling anxiety, pathetic shyness. Shot.
I’d keep shooting like that, but I hear gentle footsteps, approaching me, so I lower the blaster, its barrel still smoking from shooting. I hope with every fibre of my body that it’s not Fives. Anyone, but not Fives.
"Dogma? What’s wrong?" A gentle, worried voice asks from behind me. Definitely not Fives, then.
I turn around and see Kix, carefully striding towards me. I drop the training blaster, but not before securing it, as we’re trained. I desperately want to ask him about Tup, how’s Tup. But I can’t do that, can’t show how deeply I care, how attached to him I am. I can’t show weakness.
"Dogma." Kix repeats gently. He’s standing just a few steps from me. How did he get here so fast? Or maybe I blacked out for a moment. That would explain why I suddenly lay on the floor.
"Dogma, I’ve been looking for you everywhere." Kix says. I look at him fearfully. Is it about Tup? "Tup’s fine, he’ll be discharged from medbay in four days." Kix says and I slump in relief. The next thing Kix says though, makes me stiffen.
"I’m surprised you weren’t in the barracks, though." I don’t understand. My face must look really surprised, because Kix sighs sadly and puts his hand on my shoulder.
"Fives and Jesse planned a friendly sabacc game, a bonding opportunity for any man in Torrent who’d like to join, or who’s struggling with something." He explains and I draw in a harsh breath. It doesn’t hurt, nor at all, that neither of them told me, even though Jesse did speak with me, nor so long ago.
"They didn’t tell you?!" Kix is struggling to keep his voice low, but I still flinch at the outburst. "Jesse didn’t mention anything when we spoke…" I shake my head and my vision blurs with tears. Through water rising in my eyes, I see Kix’s face hardening.
"I’ll kill them." He whispers angrily, hugging me closer. "I’m a CMO, I’ll cover it up." I bite back a wet laugh at that, it’s been a long time since I heard a joke that wasn’t pointed at me. It feels good, almost like it was back on Kamino, when Tup and I truly bonded.
After a while, Kix gently helps me get up, and walks me out of the shooting range. I frown when I realise that we aren’t heading to the barracks, but to the medical.
*****
"Why are we going to medbay?" I ask in a small voice.
"I need to do a quick check up on you. Don’t worry, it’ll be very quick." Kix adds after seeing flash of worry in my eyes.
"But Tup…Tup shouldn’t be disturbed…he’ll heal better when left alone…" I whisper, my voice barely audible and hoarse. Kix stops just before inputting the code to open the medical. "What?! Who told you THAT???!!!" Kix yells and I shrink on myself. I should’ve known that I’ll get on everyone’s bad side, sooner or later. Kix however, deflates, clearly seeing how distressed I am. "Lieutenant Fives…" I say uncertain of if I should even speak. Kix sighs again, his body tense, like he barely contains a storm that’s surely building up in him.
Though, when the medbay doors swoosh open, it’s clear that he’ll soon fail. There’s a commotion around Tup’s bed. And none of the clones there are medics.
Jesse, Fives, Hardcase and few others that I don’t recognise, sit around, some (clearly contraband) snacks lay about on the bed. They are laughing and joking loudly. And what’s worse, Tup seems happy.
I fail to contain a sob, my knees shaking below me, and I sink to the floor, ragged sobs continue. But they die down in the rage full shout it that Kix lets out.
"ARC TROOPER FIVES!!!" Every single clone in the room, both injured and members of group around Tup raise their head. I do too, uncaring that everyone see my tears. Kix is furious. In few long steps, he reaches Tup’s bed, arming himself with menacingly looking hypospray.
And Fives actually shivers, eyes wide. One of older medic snorts, hiding a smile as he turns to give other injured ear plugs, so they don’t have to listen to Kix scolding the ARC. None of them takes the plugs, peaking curiously at the scene. I smile a little from my spot by the entrance. Though I have to admit, that personally, I would like those ear plugs. But I push myself upwards, leaning on the doorframe a bit, unwilling to show more weakness than I already have.
"How exactly are you planning on explaining yourself???!!!" It seems that with every word that Kix shouts, Fives shrinks more. But the CMO is far from finished, though it’s understandable. Even from this far, I can see Hardcase opening his mouth to say something, but Kix interrupts him before he even manages to say anything.
"And if you TRY to tell any half-baked lie, I’ll personally strap you to the bed in the furthest corner of the room and SEDATE YOU FOR A WEEK!!!" Okay, maybe Kix succumbed to his rage too much. Though, I don’t really know. I never seen such situation, nor been the direct reason of it.
"Uhhh…what do you mean?" Fives asks, playing innocent. This di’kut. I realise what he’s been trying to do. He wanted to separate Tup from me. But why?
"Oh no you DON’T GET TO PLAY INNOCENT!" Kix’s ire shift to Jesse now.
"And you? You’re no better than him! You talked to our vod’ika, and you did not tell him!" Kix stops for a while to catch a breath.
My heart stops when I realise how Kix called me. Vod’ika. Little brother. I…I don’t know what to think about it. No one has ever called me vod’ika before. It feels…good, I think. My attention goes back to the scene at Tup’s bed when I hear Jesse speaking.
"Look, it not my fault that he’s…like he is. Obsessed with regulations, unable to form any relationship." I hear Jesse’s quiet, desperate defences. And I make my decision. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I turn to leave, not stopping even when a familiar voice, one that I wanted to hear for so long, calling my name.
"Dogma, wait!" Tup seems desperate, but I don’t listen. Not now.
"…and how exactly you’ll justify lying to our littlest vod’ika, and about his last remaining brother. Of all clones in Torrent, you should…" Kix’s yelling dies down as I start running to the barrack, just to snatch my datapad and tuck myself in a store closet.
I stifle a sob when my mind goes back to the situation in the medbay. Fives’s faked innocence, Jesse’s harsh words. Hardcase seemed to be mostly occupied with taking Tup’s attention off the yelling and whole situation. Kix was the only one who actually defended me, claimed as his vod’ika. It really feels nice, but I know that I don’t deserve that.
And Tup. Tup, my twin, who didn’t see me since '34’s death, who should be mourning him and the others with me, only addressed me after I fled the room.
Oh Force, I’m such a coward.
I don’t bother containing my sobs anymore. It’s not like anyone would look inside here, or care to see what’s wrong with me. Because something is wrong.
And I know what’s the best I can do now. Free Torrent from the burden that I am. Maybe I’d find real vod’e in other battalion. And if not, there’s always tiny chance that I’d be one to march on after next battle. Even if I’ll have to help the fate a bit. I won’t be a good soldier if I can’t even control my emotions. It is clear that the longer I stay with the Torrent, the more harm I bring. So, why not just…remove myself from their proximity?
My breathing hitches as I carefully fill in the reassignment form. Just for myself. It’s clear that Tup’s life will be better without me here, and Fives and Jesse will be happier too.
My hand hovers above the 'send' button for few seconds. I know that once I do it, there’ll be no turning back. I take a deep breath and hit the button. I exhale slowly, feeling relieved. It’s out of my hands now, but the Captain got it. I hope I’ll be listened to, and send somewhere else. Anywhere, but here.
I don’t want to return to the barracks for the night. I don’t really care that Kix (probably only him) might be looking for me. It’s not like he’ll find me. My datapad’s turned off, and my comm is with my armour, in my locker in the barracks. Here, in this supply closet, I’m safe.
*****
I don’t remember falling asleep, but I must have, because I startle awake. I hear running footsteps outside the closet. There are panicked voices, too. An ugly suspicion settles in my stomach. Driven by it, I turn my datapad on and check the messages. There are dozens of unread messages.
Dogma, we’re are you? Answer, please
Dogm’ika, are you okay? You ran off so fast. I’m worried
Dogma, please, at least comm me and tell where you are, so I can help
There are many more, but I don’t bother reading them, just skipping to the final one, this stands out:
CT-6922, report in medical bay, CMO’s office, as soon as you read it.
I check who send it. Captain Rex. I don’t yet know him so well, he’s my CO, of course, but except for brief welcome speech upon our arrival, I didn’t really see him.
I take a glance at the clock. I’ve been inside this closet for 9 hours. No wonder Kix and Tup are panicking and that they told Captain about it. I look at the time of messages sending. Captain sent his a little over an hour ago. I’m already long overdue, but since he wrote 'as soon as you read' it means that I won’t be disobeying orders by going now, even after so long.
*****
When I step out of the closet, the corridor seems empty, but I don’t let the tension drain from my shoulders.
Just when I think that I might actually avoid any meetings until I’m at medical bay, when I nearly bump into a trooper, who, just like me, is wearing only his blacks and boots. I yelp, startled, and then flinch away when I notice who I collided with. My eyes dart around as I look for the best escape route, but Hardcase’s firm hands keep me in place. I slump, resigned.
"Dogma. It’s fine, I’m just going to take you to Rex and Kix, okay?" He asks, lacking his usual hyperactive energy. I look at his face and see hint of regret. I nod hesitantly and Hardcase visibly relaxes.
"Good. That’s good." We walked in silence for a while. But not for long.
"Listen, Dogma…about what happened earlier…I-I didn’t know how important Tup is for you. I mean, I know, but I didn’t…I didn’t know that Fives lied to you, or didn’t tell you about our plan. I just thought that…you don’t care, or want to spend any amount of time with us." Hardcase finally breaks the silence. I simply nod, I don’t really feel like talking, preferring to save energy for inevitable conversation with both my CO and pissed off CMO of Torrent Company.
We finally reach our destination, without any more of Hardcase’s attempts at starting a conversation. When Hardcase leads me into Kix’s office, both him and the Captain relax visibly, relief almost floods the room. But Captain’s eyes remain serious. My eyes linger on a datapad he’s holding. He probably wants to tell me where I’m being reassigned.
"Thank you, Hardcase. Now, I think that Fives and Jesse should be down with their cleaning duties. Go check it." The Captain commands and Hardcase quickly leaves the room. I shift uncomfortably, now left alone with two of my superiors.
"Dogma, about your medical condition, whether physical or mental, I’ll leave it for Kix. But could you please tell me, where were you, and why did you asked to be transferred to different battalion?" Rex asks me, more gently than I was expecting. I want to look away, but I know I can’t.
"It would be better for whole Torrent if I wasn’t there, Sir." I mumble, lucid enough to still show respect.
"Listen vod’ika, your batchmate - your twin - is going to be fine. You need to talk to him. And to Jesse, Fives and Hardcase as well." Rex says and I feel my stomach doing an anxious flip. I dread the thought of talking to them. But it was an order, most likely.
"Yes, Sir. I will, Sir." I answer, just like I was taught. No questioning their orders, just obeying.
"Come here, Dogma." Captain’s voice is nothing but gentle when he ushers me to join him on the sofa. As soon as I sit down, he looks at me seriously.
"Listen, Dogma. I understand what you might be feeling, and if you really want it, I can send you to 212th, to Commander Cody." I peek up, hope flashes through my eyes.
"But, you may also get different bunk, in different barracks, if you choose to remain in Torrent." The Captain offers and I find myself nodding slightly.
"Yes, Sir. I…I’m willing to try to talk to them. I just…I don’t think they even want to see me. It’s not like I’m worthy of their company. And a waste of your time."
I say quietly, not necessarily wanting them to hear. But they both do.
"Let me stop you here. Each and every single clone here, is a vod. No matter if vod’ika or ori’vod, a brother nonetheless. And Torrent cares for its men. And you are too. And most certainly, your problems are not a waste of your time." Kix interjects. I feel warmth suddenly blooming in my chest. I know that what Kix says is true. "They are all in the barracks, now, except for Tup, but I suppose you prefer to speak with him alone?" Captain suggests and I nod.
"Yeah, I’d…appreciate that, Sir." I say and see Kix’s smile. Though I’m still nervous, I enter the room that Tup is in. He lays in the bed, thin blanket covering his lower body, leaving his wounded abdomen uncovered, bacta patch visible under thin shirt. There’s an IV line set too, going into the back of Tup’s hand. But he’s awake, his skin isn’t so pale anymore.
"Dogma…" Tup smiles at me and I find myself smiling back, though even for me, it’s empty smile. I sit on the chair by his bed and gently grab his hand.
"Tup, why? Why did you…chose them over me?" I ask quietly. Tup looks hurt.
"Dogm’ika…I didn’t. They…they told me you had too many duties to come and Fives offered his company instead." Tup whispers and I feel my brows furrowing. "Tup…The Captain told me to take it easy and relax while you’re here. I’d come." I answer, trying not to sound too accusing. Tup tightens his grip on my hand.
"When I saw you happy with the others, I thought that…that you don’t need me anymore…that I’ll be alone…" I whisper, holding back unwanted tears. Tup is sniffling now too, pulling me closer.
"I’d never…I would never leave you, Dogma. Never." If it was anyone else, I wouldn’t believe. But it’s Tup. My batchmate, my twin. I believe him. And I know that I have to tell him something else too. "I…I asked for transfer to other battalion…" I whisper, looking away.
"What! Why?" Tup yelps in surprise, wincing when his sudden movement jostles his wound. He lay back down, but his eyes still demand answers. I sigh.
"I felt that I wasn’t needed. That it was the best thing I could do, both for myself and you." I say and feel Tup’s hand tightening its grip on mine. "You’re not a burden, Dogm’ika. You never were, brother. I really like Fives’s and Jesse’s company, but if you want transfer, I’ll be happy to join you." He says. I don’t know what to say after that, so I just sit with him for few silent minutes, until Captain and Kix re-enter the medical bay.
"Dogma…will you be fine with going to talk with others now?" Kix asks. I look at Tup, who’s nodding encouragingly. "Yes." I reply, giving Tup’s hand one more gentle squeeze. "I’ll be back quickly." I say before leaving his side, feeling much lighter than before.
*****
When Kix and Captain assist me while we go to the barracks, the tension comes back. I try to at least look relaxed, but judging how Kix’s hand touches my shoulder when we stop at the door, I’m not successful at it. Before I change my mind, I step inside, Kix and Captain Rex just behind me. I see Fives and Jesse sitting on the bunk. They get up once we enter and straighten up, undoubtedly at the sight of Captain Rex and possibly Kix.
"Sir! What do you need us to do?" Jesse asks, and I can’t not notice how his eyes stopped on me. "We cleaned all barracks, as you ordered, Sir." Jesse reports, but he clearly knows that it’s about something else.
"If it’s about…Dogma, Sir, I don’t think he’ll accept our apology. Besides, we didn’t do anything serious to him!" Fives steps in, clearly trying to cover up their mistakes. I look down. They may not have, but it did hurt me. Kix seems to think the same, because he steps towards the two clones.
"Fives…" he drawls out. The ARC rolls his eyes.
"Yeah, I might have acted a little…bad towards him, but he could’ve just asked any of you about Tup, or go despite my words." He says. Of course, it is again my fault. Luckily, Captain Rex is right here, ready to step in.
"ARC Trooper Fives, your innocent actions as you called them, pushed your vod’ika to requesting transfer elsewhere, because, to quote his explanation: 'no one here will miss me anyway'. Do you want to tell him something?" The Captain asks, but it’s clear to me that in fact, he orders the ARC to say something. Fives seems to realise that too.
"Umm…yes. Dogma…I’m sorry. Tup’s your brother, as Jesse’s mine. I shouldn’t…" Fives loses himself in his explanations. I decide to interrupt.
"Fives, Sir. I understand. I wouldn’t disobey your order to stay away from the medbay either way." I say cracking a shy smile.
"But still, just because Tup’s easier to befriend, I shouldn’t ignore or separate you from him. Ni ceta, vod’ika. I didn’t really mean what I said before." Jesse says, opening his arms widely, quietly asking. I wait no longer, and launch myself at him, letting Jesse wrap me into tight hug. I’m a little bit ashamed of how easily I broke, but if he apologises, I can accept it.
"It’s fine, Jesse." I say and I mean it. I feel Fives joining the hug and something warm blossoms in my chest.
*****
"So, Dogma, you still want reassignment?" Captain Rex asks once we are back in Kix’s office. The CMO himself stands by the door.
I hesitate. Few hours ago, it seemed to be the best option, if he then asked me that, I would reply with 'yes' in a heartbeat. But now?
"No Sir. I’ll stay here, with the Torrent Company." I say confidently.
"Are you sure, trooper?" Captain asks, but we both know it’s just a formality. When I nod, he inputs something on his datapad, probably cancelling my request.
"Thank you Sir. And…I do not need a change of barrack assignment." I add, not because I don’t want to cause trouble, but because I mean it. I’m willing to try getting closer to them, even if it means seeing regulations bending. If I see it, then I just report it to the Captain or any CO.