Chapter Text
it hasn't always been like this. in fact, sua would call this an exception to the rule; since she… really doesn't care about others if they don't have pink hair and their name doesn't start with "m" and end with "izi".
but thinking it through, this, too, hasn't always been like this.
even when envy began to take root both in her juvenile mind and all her sisters’, she chose to preserve the affectionate, even if teasing embrace of her big sister's reliable arms—the promise of protection in a world that would come to crush her later, or soon enough.
this deluding hope was enough to have her fumbling through introductions with her folks at preschool, enough to make her stay in a less preferred seat in class just so she wouldn't be left out by sitting at the front in elementary, and enough to have her engaging in meaningless conversations that held no resonance for her in middle school.
“god, he must be so traumatized,” the girl sighed, scrolling through her messages. “i really beat myself up when he told me what happened with his ex. i shouldn't have pressured him into making things official.”
her friends reassured her kindly while sua kept to her seat, not knowing what to say but still lending an ear by hearing her out.
“wow, i see,” assessing the damage, one of the girls pressed a palm to her mouth as she read the messages exchanged between them. “his ex did a number on this poor guy by cheating on him. i think you should be more mindful, try to get him to open up slowly.”
they all nodded in agreement. sua paused, tapping her fingers on her desk a bit restlessly. she didn't like where this was going.
“yeah, i'm gonna have to, from now on. when i told him to try out therapy, he told me this stuff was for fags, so i have to be as subtle as possible about it.”
she knew it.
“um—” sua tried, seeing an opening to pipe in. “are you sure he's telling you the truth? it's best to, uh… be… c-careful…” she slowly trailed off, noticing all eyes were on her.
it was silent for a long moment.
“he's not like that,” she soberly defended, and they picked up from where they left off, as if no intermission had occurred.
later, going home in the company of one of the girls as she silently sulked about the fact mizi had to leave earlier, the answer to where she went wrong was made clear to her.
“hey,” her friend began, in a patronizing tone. “it probably wasn't your intention, but you came across as really bitter back there. it's not nice to judge others’ struggles, you know?”
so. that was that. the pure mortification was enough to shut her into silence and have her retreat into her shell; she'd just focus on her happy relationship with mizi and keep from making probably snide, needless comments. if she kept her answers short and blunt, no one would be able to read between the lines. who'd suspect a lovely doll with predefined phrases?
but of course, ivan happened, just like an annoying mosquito buzzing screaming into her ear.
“we're sooo alike! no wonder people call us twins, mm?”
“looks like you don't know how to do this lesson, eh?”
“what's wrong, noona? you've barely touched your unseasoned chicken and unsalted rice cake.”
first of all. when an ugly stranger calls you a twin. oh hell no.
second. he was pushing it.
sua had made peace with silence a long time ago, so this shouldn't have had her feeling so upset, but it did. and despite her previous thoughts, she had to admit she could see the resemblance between them, but not appearance-wise, as others alluded to. it ran deeper than that. ivan was just as much of an observer as she was; she just had no idea where the obsession came from, for he paid way too much attention to her.
the guy was full of rhetorical questions that were poised as traps for the absolutely merciless rants he went on, dedicated especially for her.
and till.
because enough was enough, sua decided she had had it and took it upon herself to fight fire with fire; at a bit of a disadvantage considering how long it had been since she last analyzed others' interactions, but that fact did little to put down the absolute fire in her. oh, she was gonna make that boy shut up once and for all.
so, against better judgment, she started to pay a little more attention to ivan, especially when he interacted with till, the guitar boy who was also a annoying pest, but around her girlfriend.
which of course, made him just as bothersome.
safe to say it didn't take her long to figure out what was wrong with them. their… fragility.
(she smirked to herself, a vacant look in her eyes as she stared at both of them from behind a tree.)
“hey,” ivan began, swirling the chocolate drink in his hand as he leveled sua down with a stare from where he stood beside her. “everything's going fine with mizi?”
they were alone in the council room; other members having either left to go home or to do other things, such as watching over any misbehaving students or helping a classmate study at the library. this only left both of them there, doing miscellaneous tasks so nothing would pile up for the incoming school festival.
sua, sitting as she arranged some paperwork, took a deep breath. this time, not out of exhaustion, but pure calculation.
“you'd be correct,” she nodded, impassively.
“good,” he replied, nodding as well, taking a long sip of his drink. sua started to count in her head—one… two… three—“because i couldn't help but notice how, once again, you told her you'd take care of the cleaning duty just so she could go play with others.”
there he went.
“yeah?” she feigned interest, absentmindedly assigning the correct dates to the documents. “guess you could find a fork in the kitchen.”
gufzzzt.
ivan squeezed the chocolate milk carton, the excessive act pulling a startled noise out of it. he cleared his throat, recomposing himself.
“i assumed you'd say that. after all this time, treating her like a non-thinking princess must come naturally to you,” he chuckled, throwing the carton into the trash behind his shoulder. he leaned onto sua's desk. “surely she'll break if she touches a broom… but that's besides the point,” he glanced down at his fingernails in boredom, looking like a pompous prick in sua's eyes.
she set down her pen, and turned her head slowly.
“what do you want, ivan?” she asked straightforwardly, disdainful.
he leaned down to her level, his eyes serious.
“i'm just saying you're so wrapped up in your head that thinking about mizi’s wishes doesn't even come as an afterthought to you,” he tapped his index finger on the desk. “even now.”
he smiled.
this had sua swallowing dryly, wariness making her lean back in her chair just to put some distance between them.
she couldn't even begin to conceive what prompted this conversation—so what if she took mizi’s share of cleaning after class? how could ivan even see any ill intent in her attitude? sua dislikes dealing with people, mizi loves talking to people; sua couldn't forget the pure look of unadulterated joy on her face as hyuna, probably the one person in the world more of an extrovert than mizi was, called her to play sports and fill in for their team. she had fun, she was in her natural habitat, all while sua sat on the bleachers, watching her from afar.
this was enough, really. more than enough. sua would gladly take on any responsibility if that meant mizi would smile even a second longer.
“in other words, she has someone who can make her happy,” she countered, not ignorant of the underlying message of what she said. but ivan simply laughed and pulled away.
“happy? right, if you were at all confident in what you're saying, she'd be with you right now, since naturally, you make her happy,” he rolled his eyes. “but she's not. because it doesn't seem like you think she can handle anything that's any heavier than a feather without folding.”
he sat on the seat across from her, resting his chin on his hand. i win, was written all over his abominable expression, eagerly awaiting sua's next defense as if he would take it in stride.
sua, for her part, was silent.
she felt something bitter rising inside her, despite how comically… predictable this whole situation was. it was ivan they were talking about, but she assumed that's exactly the issue. what right did he have to even hint at the absurd idea that sua was having it easy? with her hands in her lap, she clenched them together just tight enough to feel the sting of her fingernails, the pain grounding her.
surely this was envy. she knew he was no stranger to it.
he saw a ball and chain anchored to her ankle and only cared to envy the polish on the metal.
“what are you getting at?” she sputtered, rising up so suddenly the chair creaked with the movement. “so what if i'm powerless? if her happiness is the only thing i can ensure, i-i'll take it! at least—oh,” she stopped.
right.
before any tears could fall from her rapidly watering eyes, she realized this was the perfect opportunity, wasn't it? it was served to her on a silver platter. how could she let herself get riled up when she knew better now? ivan wasn't the only one who made good on his promise to study.
the boy arched an eyebrow, noticing sua’s change in attitude.
“you're getting careless by projecting,” she shot back, her voice naturally soft but doing enough damage. her wary eyes didn't stray from his reckoning ones. “hint all you want at the absurd idea that i do what i do from a place of comfort. but i'm not the one who blatantly chooses to downplay what's right in front of me just because i'm scared.”
ivan’s mouth gaped open for a beat. then, he closed it, jaw clicking shut.
he stood deliberately still for a long moment, hand placed on the lower half of his face, and he turned his head—sua analyzed it all with an apprehensive gaze, the silence making her uneasy. she never knew what to expect whenever he went quiet, clearly trying to fix his expression.
“scared?” he finally whispered, an unusual snort escaping from his lips as he dropped his hand.
she pressed hers together, not backing down.
“c-correct. if i'm doing this out of my own volition, then you're just as much.”
struck dead in his tracks, ivan’s perfect smile slipped first, the corner of his lips twitching as the offensive jibe landed entirely too close to home.
around them, the afternoon sun cut through the empty classroom, casting the vacant desks in fleeting, warm shards of light that would soon be replaced by the luminosity of the pale moonlight. sua entertained the thought—she supposed an atypical event like this one deserved just as much of an unorthodox ambiance; she's sure it was only a vanishing stroke of luck.
sua's words were a fault line in her acquiescing, dutiful world—a sudden release of accumulated energy that was glaring in its abnormality. conversely, as for the affinity of the substance in them, it was precisely a reverse fault shortening the distance between ivan and sua. nonetheless, a fracture’s still a fracture.
“fine,” ivan conceded. he got up but lowered his body until he's on her level, both hands on the edge of the table as he leaned in. he closed his eyes in a smile, tilting his head to the side. “let's test your theory out, then. clearly you're claiming that till cares and i'm the unreasonable one. you can only win if that's the truth.”
for once, sua doesn't fiddle with the buttons on her blazer. she furrows her eyebrows in tenacity.
“i have nothing to lose.”
unexpectedly, ivan laughed.
“oh, but you do,” he giggled, twirling a strand of hair with his finger as he glanced at the door. “let's do it like this: i'll go find till, and if he cusses me out, i win, you lose. on the other hand…”
he carried himself with grace as he sways his hips and walked in the direction of the door, naturally charming. from a technical point of view, of course—as sua personally just found it nauseating, fighting hard to not look away and gag.
“if you pretend to act distracted in class and mizi notices and helps you out, i win, you lose.”
okay.
she had secured two wins and this hadn't even begun.
there was no catch; sua was the one who paid extra attention so mizi would do well at school, she knew exactly what wasn't her forte—religion, she found it quizzical—and made sure to help her study. as cute as it is to think about the possibility that mizi would take the front in class, it's just as unrealistic. she knows her girl, and she just loves sleeping through lectures!
while the cogs in her brain turned, ivan broke into a toothy, boyish grin, showing off his pointed fang. a devil, he is.
“it seems you have no objections. all the better for me…”
it was still for an instant. but not for long.
“last one's a rotten egg—” ivan said it in one go before he absolutely vanished, leaving only the sound of his hurried footsteps echoing through the corridors.
wait a second.
“oh, you—”
sua didn't even finish the sentence before she launched herself forward, her shoes slapping against the floor with a vengeance and nearly making her slip from the abrupt movement. nonetheless, she wasn't gonna stay behind.
“HAHAHA.”
up ahead, ivan was a dark blur, his demonic, absolutely revolting cackle bouncing off the deserted corridors. sua fumed. he didn't even look back, exuding pure confidence in his outrageously long legs to maintain his already unfair head start. someone had to kill this guy, but a single bullet probably wouldn't be enough to put him down—sua gritted her teeth and pushed forward, repeating over and over again the fable of the tortoise and the hare in her head, determined to tackle him into the garbage can.
not the recycling bin. there was nothing to preserve from ivan.
“keep laughing now and you won't laugh last!”
they kept running, almost flying as fast as lightning descending the stairs, when they ran into—
people.
students. dozens of them. teachers. school staff.
hold on.
in a terrifying display of muscle control, ivan's chaotic sprint shifted instantly into an elegantly fluid catwalk, like all it took was the snapping of fingers. his spine straightened into a perfectly upright, dignified posture, hands held together behind his back. skillfully done, his face got reset to default, the very picture of teacher’s pet excellence. yes, yes, a model student by all means.
sua cleared her throat.
pulling up right beside him, her transition just as seamless, they made quite the pair from the student council; president and vice president. she smoothly tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear—nevermind the scrunchie nearly falling from her short ponytail—the previous ballistic grimace etched on her face dissolving into a serene, benevolent smile that radiated pure disciplined grace.
the rapid clicking of their shoes against the ground could be brushed off as two dutiful leaders handling a very urgent, very official administrative crisis.
“good afternoon,” ivan nodded politely to a group of starstruck underclassmen, his voice deep and smooth despite his lungs screaming for oxygen.
“don't forget to turn in your class’ booth application for the school festival,” sua added softly to another passerby, her hands folded neatly in front of her. then, without her smile wavering a single millimeter, she muttered through her teeth. “you're rotten egg the second we hit the blind spot.”
“just try and catch me, noona,” ivan shot back, his eyes locked forward, his plastic smile perfectly intact while his legs moved with the same motion as an athlete at the olympics doing race walking without breaking form.
they cleared the main hallway, turning into the secluded side exit stairwell.
the moment the heavy fire doors shut behind them, the mask dropped.
ivan leaped down the half-flight of stairs in a single, chaotic bound. sua pounced after him, reaching out to snag the collar of his blazer, missing by a fraction of an inch as he burst through the final set of double doors leading outside. she let out a frustrated sound.
they spilled out onto the green courtyard, the fresh air instantly reigniting the frantic, undignified scramble. ivan took two giant leaps down the front steps, sua hot on his heels, both of them skidding to a messy, uncoordinated halt as they rounded the low brick wall near the entrance.
“haah…” ivan let out a lovestruck sigh, hands folded beside his head just like a schoolgirl with a crush.
and right there, completely oblivious to the storm that had just descended upon the school grounds, was till; the guitar boy who, despite the title, wasn't carrying any guitar with him right now.
with the afternoon sun shining on him, he was sitting flat on the grass with his knees pulled up, a heavy pair of headphones slung around his neck, utterly dead to the world as his pencil scratched furiously against the page of his worn sketchbook. it seemed he had been there for a long time now, judging from the way he kept grumbling under his breath every few seconds and stretching out his back due to the uncomfortable position he was in.
sua looked at the pathetic scene, deadpan.
he was waiting for ivan, wasn't he? no wonder the guy instinctively knew where to find him.
“he's watching mizi,” ivan whispered, giggling. sua stared at him. “and drawing her. isn't he the cutest?”
she had to blink. keep her eyes shut for a few seconds before she opened them again. but she couldn't force her mouth to open.
“i know, i know… i think so, too. he leaves me speechless as well sometimes,” ivan pressed a hand to his chest, right over his heart. “oh, look, look!” he then placed his arm over her shoulder, ushering her to pay attention. “he's gonna complain he doesn't know where he put his eraser, only to find it under his leg and complain to himself again because he has no idea how it got there. after all that, he's gonna do the same thing with his pencil. just watch.”
and sua watched. blankly.
till kept sketching without a care in the world, eyes glued to the paper as if it owed him money. he was sometimes merciless, sometimes merciful with his strokes—putting his feelings down onto the page quickly, before his strength would tear into the surface. sua was nearly shrugging ivan off, when.
“ah, shit,” till clicked his tongue, a bit breathless, like he had been holding his breath and this snapped him out of the trance. he set down his pencil beside him, feeling around his own lap, searching for something. “where the hell is it?”
sua and ivan witnessed the scene unfolding in front of them with fixed interest. he was smiling.
she wasn't.
“where did i put it⁈” he got up aggressively, flapping around, tugging his shirt to see if something would fall. he squealed with exasperation.
what a… pathetic display.
“oh,” till muttered dumbly, seeing the object he just stepped on. he huffed and fell to the ground unceremoniously, going back to the position he had been sitting in before and dragging the eraser up and down the paper, carelessly. “why the fuck did i put it there?”
a beat.
“where's my pencil—”
sua slapped ivan.
“we don't have all day!” she chided, clenching her fist threateningly.
ivan, the taller and bigger of the two, backed away with a puppy whine.
“alright, alrighty,” he pouted. then, he brushed his hair back, the determined glint returning to his eyes, red pupils burning. “just to recap: i'll go there, and if till cusses me out, i win. if he doesn't…”
they stared at each other.
“well, we both know that won't happen,” he shrugged, a dopey grin on his lips. sua hit him, again.
“you're infuriating.”
“double win if he says the exact same words,” he blew her a kiss before he, unnecessarily, started to creep in till's direction with slow footsteps.
it was a wonder this guy managed to come across as lucid to most people.
ivan sat beside him in complete silence, gazing at till. till kept drawing, not moving an inch.
meanwhile, sua got closer to the low concrete wall, hiding as she watched the scene unfold.
if any other person was a witness to this moment, they'd think till would startle once he noticed ivan had appeared like a ghost beside him. sua knew better, even if not all the details of what entailed what; till was aware of ivan's presence, and the boy had long since grown used to his antics. he wasn't gripping the pencil with the same rigidity as before as his body was noticeably more relaxed, shoulders slowly slumping down like an anchor striking the seabed after finding stability.
yeah.
she was right.
he had been waiting for ivan.
“you have a pimple right there—” before ivan could lift his hand to point, he got hit in the face by till's sketchbook.
“what took you so long, you idiot?” he mumbled, picking at the folds on the edge of the paper.
the sun had nearly gone down, the shadows even more prominent on their figures now, making it a bit harder to pick out their expressions from afar, especially when till was looking down at his lap.
“mm?” ivan blinked, tilting his head to the side. “oh! was someone looking for me? you can tell them to find me in the student council room.”
till turned his head, and neither said anything at that moment. sua couldn't help but hold her breath—she thought he'll finally admit to the truth, but till just huffed, losing air and sagging like a balloon.
“yeah, yeah. i'll tell them that next time,” he brushed it off, going back to drawing.
she noticed ivan getting even closer to him, lowering his head onto his shoulder. he definitely felt till's dismissal and was wondering what prompted that.
she sighed. at least, her win was still secured. whatever was going on between them was none of her business, she already had a girlfriend, thank you very much—which, speaking of…
she glanced at the basketball court, thankful for the lampposts illuminating it. there was a group of teenagers with endless energy running up and down the court, completely undeterred even if night was falling, revealing how long they've been at it. barely anyone was on the bleachers right now, except for—
oh. there she is.
sua felt her heart squeeze in her chest with longing, seeing her jellyfish girl sitting so tiredly as she watched the others play. the running around had probably tired her out, and even from a distance, sua could see mizi's drowsy eyes and wavering stance. she always told her to be careful of where she fell asleep, but most importantly, she preferred if she, herself, was the only one who offered her lap as a pillow.
hyuna appeared in front of mizi, making her startle up. they both laughed before hyuna pointed behind her, to which mizi politely declined, giving mizi a gentle pat on the head and then going off to play some more.
suddenly, the wind blowing on sua's skin was a bit colder than before.
“i wanna go home…” she whispered softly under her breath, kicking a small stone close to her feet.
“what are you doing?” till's harsh voice cut through her ears, dejection taking the backseat for a moment. she turned to look back at the two boys, remembering she still had a victory to claim.
“i want to see what you're drawing,” ivan explained, not an ounce of shame in his demand. he pointed at his hair. “mizi had her hair up today, right? you must've been impressed. let me see how you—”
but till just scurried away, crawling backwards like an alarmed, puffed-up cat.
oh, no. sua blanched.
ivan stopped. and leaned in.
“hey, let me see,” ivan whined, pawing at till's shirt. “we've already gone through this, you told me you didn't mind showing me your drawings!”
“t-that's!” the guy stammered and blushed red from head to toe, hugging his sketchbook close to his chest. “o-okay, but not this one! i messed up really bad, the anatomy's weird as hell, and—why am i even explaining myself to you⁈”
“because we're frens!” ivan added helpfully, hand to his chest, looking proud of himself as he said "friends" in a deeply mechanical way. he got all up in till's personal space. “you're the one who said that, remember? are you taking it back now, is that it, mm?”
oh. of course.
sua facepalmed, letting out a long groan.
till and ivan were just like a microphone and speaker. get them anywhere near each other and they feed into each other's absolute worst, an escalating and cacophonous loop that only caused migraines and made her want to cover her ears all the same.
but she held on. it was dark now. till just had to play it off, say he was gonna show it to him tomorrow because it's not like he'd be able to see anything in this dusk. better yet! till could close it "by mistake" and open it to a random, safe page, because sua was one hundred percent sure that lovesick fool had drawn ivan! till could beat the dumbass allegations!
“you… you… you…!”
come on…
“jackass‼” sua watched in growing dread as till got up, his voice loud enough to catch the attention of those on the basketball court. he was red, and sua's sure it wasn't from anger. much the opposite. “get away from me! fuck off to your friends from the student council and let me be!”
OH MY GOD!
sua fell to the ground like a puppet without strings.
till could NOT beat the stupid IDIOT allegations!
she stood still like a corpse as till left, stomping off with those comical movements of his and living up to his title as a theater kid. curiously, he made sure to avoid the flowers on the way, and was way too slow for someone who supposedly wanted to get away from ivan asap just a moment ago.
he looked behind his shoulder.
ivan blinked his long eyelashes innocently. such a doll.
till quickly turned back again and started to run, screaming in frustration as he did.
“YOU'RE INFURIATING!”
ivan cackled just as loud.
it had been some time, so to recapitulate and wrap things up: yes, this had been an exception to the rule. sua knew better than to get involved in others’ affairs; life had already taught her a lesson and she knew it didn't get her anywhere to be this nosy. under normal circumstances, it was with impeccable awareness that she would never go along with anybody’s antics, let alone ivan’s.
but.
right now, sua found herself rooted to the ground, thoroughly horrified as she took in the view right in front of her. ivan was sporting a smug, utterly disgusting, and pleased expression as he looked down at her—the very definition of a nightmare one could find in a picture dictionary.
the terrorized scream was stuck in her throat. she could only watch as his lips moved.
i. win.
so that's how it is.
“there you are, sua!” she heard mizi clap excitedly. she didn't have the strength to look up. “what are you doing down there? let me help you up—oh, hi ivy!”
her girlfriend gently took her hands and hugged her close to her chest, waving at him with one hand before going back to embracing sua. but even that, she couldn't see. or feel.
“i think she's done for today, mimi. she completely exhausted herself, see?” ivan piped in. “noona's done a lot.”
“ah! i should've told her i didn't mind doing the cleaning,” she mumbled with a pout, stroking sua's hair. she can almost feel her soul coming back… “i swear, she's the death of me sometimes. thank you for taking care of her, ivy.”
“it was nothing, bestie!” forget it, it's escaping her again… “i'm going now. unless you want some company? it has gotten quite late.”
“no, not at all! thanks for the offer, but i'll stop by some restaurant to get some food into her,” oh… she's healing…
“okie-dokie,” just when it was quiet and sua thought ivan had left, she heard it. him. “tell her she must make good on her end of the bargain tomorrow. well, take care, mimi, noona!”
and now, sua can't even hear mizi’s bewildered questions at what ivan had been talking about; she just felt her soul punching back into her with a gasp.
no.
she had to be strong.
she WOULDN'T back down now. it wasn't even an option. she was gonna go after the win and wouldn't stop until she wiped off the absolutely revolting image of ivan’s conceited, victorious expression from her mind.
they were on.