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Jude sees it, the precise moment words slip off his tongue and slowly and quite painfully hit Connor square in his chest.
He can’t possibly see how Connor's most important vital organ feels like he's just been ripped out forcefully out of his chest and smashed against the nearest wall.. but it's pretty clear from the way his eyes suddenly look like they've been deprived of any lights, that everything that Connor has ever felt for him... is fading away in this exact moment.
“I wish I’d never met you.”
It’s exactly like a broken vase.. you can try and pull all the pieces together but it will never look the same.
Connor doesn’t say anything. He just stares at some undefined spot on Jude’s forehead where, Jude presumes, he’s probably imagining to burn a hole through it. Jude doesn’t blame him, to be honest. He hopes to be swallowed himself by a hole suddenly opening beneath his feet rather than see the pain hitting Connor’s whole body.
He sees the moment Connor’s lips part just slightly, as to say something, but then he closes it again.
He blinks few times, a hand nervously running through his hair that will probably leave his hair a total mess afterward.
“I’ll just go.” Are the only words Connor’s able to utter out. His voice comes out raw and thick with unleashed tears.
Jude clears his throat as he lets Connor walk away from him and consequently out of his life for good. He hears a tensed out breath leaving Connor’s lips as he closes the door.
Jude closes his eyes as hears the engine of Connor’s car turning on, making a mental quip that’s gonna be the last time he’s gonna hear the incessantly raw noise.
He lays in bed with clothes and shoes on, tears tickling at the corner of his eyes that he’s tempted to let it fall down his face, but he decides that he’s not going to.
He screwed everything up. He’s wished that he’s never met Connor, the best thing happened to him in a very long time. He’s prepared for a life of complete misery but crying’s not one of them.
He wakes up the morning after with a dull headache hitting him sharply as he opens his eyes, making him regret his decision almost immediately.
“Fuck.”
“Yeah. You’re pretty fucked up.”
His eyes shot open at the sudden voice breaking the absolute silence in his house.
“Hello.”
Jude’s eyes snap to the feminine figure sitting on his desk chair. He blinks few times just to make sure he’s not dreaming, that everything he’s seeing right now it’s just not a figment of his imagination.
I’m dreaming. I’m just dreaming.
His eyes widen and the girl giggles at the look of pure fear flashing across his eyes. “Yup. Still real.”
““Y—you... fuck. How fucking drunk am I?” Jude stutters as he sits up on his bed. His back resting across the headboard.
The girl laughs again and if Jude wasn't completely shaken by fear, he’d admit that’s a pretty soothing voice that says. “ You’re not drunk. This is real.”
“W-Who are you?” He finally manages to ask her. “And How did you break into my house?!”
“I didn’t.” The girl chuckles. “I’m a ghost, sweetheart. I don’t need keys to break into an apartment, if I want to.”
Jude’s eyes grow huge as he finally decides to get his ass off the bed. He strides towards the –apparently too much calm—girl, still comfortably sitting in his chair, a threatening (the best he can manage through the haze of shock.) on his face and as his hand attempts to reach for her arm, it fucking passes through her flesh.
The smirk on the girl’s face never fades away. She looks like she's taking pleasure in this; In scaring the shit out of Jude.
“Y-you--”
“Yes?” The girl asks with innocent voice and naive look flashing across her features.
“E-Either this is a fucking joke or I-I’m so fucking drunk and I’m just living a nightmare b-b-because t-t-that’s not possible. Y-you--. G-G-ghosts d-don’t exist and t-t-this is—“
“Honeybun.” The girl smiles as she cuts off his blabbering rant. “This is real. You’re not drunk and this isn’t a dream. I’m here on a mission.”
Jude’s face falls as he asks, well aware that whatever her response will be, he'll still gonna regret it. “W-what mission?! What do you want from me?! ”
The grin on the girl’s face widens as she tells Jude with such a calm that startles Jude to death. “I’m the ghost of your present Jude and I’m gonna show how your wish affects your past and future.”
Jude’s eyes grow wide at the girl’s words, waves of pure shock running through his whole body and up his spine. “I refuse to.” Jude says shortly. He doesn’t want to relive his past mistakes because he’s pretty regretful of those, okay? And he certainly doesn’t need to see his future. He doesn’t want to know if his life’s gonna be awesome or miserable. He’s not interested in knowing who’s gonna end up with, how many kids will he have and how many satisfactions his career as a teacher will bring to him. He wants to live it. Unless... “Oh my God! Am I dying?! ”
For the first time since he’s seen the ghost, her smugness seems to break a little. She winces in sympathy before saying, plain and clear. “Fuck. No.”
“Then I don’t want to.” Jude states, for the first time, very calmly. (Despite the presence of a ghost in his room.) The smugness comes back as the ghost says. “I'm sorry to break your hopes and dreams buttercup, but that's not negotiable.”
“Wh-- oh my God, what's happening, right now?!”
Jude’s dying.
He’s sure of that fact. This dust suddenly swallowing him away’s not normal. This is not normal.
He finally feels his feet touching the ground again and the first thing he hears is an amused sigh of relief. “Here we go.”
Jude’s startled eyes snap to the ghost. “W-where are we?”
“We’re at your old school.” There’s a duh clear and loud somewhere in her tone.
“Jeez.. forgetting of your school, already. That’s a first in the honorable years of my career.”
Jude can’t help but snort at that, as she leads him through the empty hallways.
“Is this even considered a career?”
The ghost laughs, bright and amused as she shakes her head. “Oh, honey. You have no idea how many heathens I’ve come across in my entire life.”
“I’m not a heathen.” Jude counters sharply. “I don’t even know why we are here. Why are you here, in my dream.”
The ghost rolls her eyes at him. “Again. Darling. This is not a—“
“Yeah. Not a dream.” Jude repeats with a roll of his eyes. “Got it.”
“It’s not!” The girl snaps at him. Losing for a moment her innate calm. Jesus.
Jude’s able to piss off the dead too.
“Okay.. okay...” Jude says. “Let’s just get this over with.”
“That’s the right spirit.” She deadpans as she leads them to a specific, unforgettable class.
Jude’s heart races inside of his chest when they step into the class and everything is on motion. Something flashes across his mind as he leans in to whisper into her ear.
“Don’t they see us?”
She shakes her head before asking with a soft voice. “Do you remember this?”
Jude nods, unable to let words out. “How could I ever forget...”
They both can’t bring themselves to dislodge their eyes from thirteen-year-old Jude, looking around himself. He looks so uneasy, uncomfortable, lonely. Jude thinks. He remembers feeling out of place, unwanted, unworthy but then... a miracle happened.
“Do you want to be mine?”
“Fuck.” Jude lets out a choked sob. Tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. “That’s a low blow and you know it.”
“You wished Connor away, so I'm so sorry to break it to you but this is where it all started, right?”
“Yes.” Jude croaks weakly. “This is the first time we met.”
The ghost gives a nod of her head and dust starts raising up from the floor once again. A noise, like a raging windstorm, is in Jude’s ear reach.
“Now I’m gonna show you what it’d be like If Connor had never asked you that question.”
This time is a bit more prepared for when it happens. He’s a bit less prepared for what he sees, though.
Jude’s an outcast. That’s not a relevant news to anyone at this point. He’s always been very selective of the people making part of his life but, without Connor showing him how great it actually is, he's never given someone the opportunity to earn his trust and break that fortress he's built around himself after his parents --but more specifically, his mother-- died.
Jude doesn’t have the chance to find that out so he lives in his own world, completely isolated. The only person that Jude trusts (besides his family.) is Jude.
Not even bullies consider him worthy of their punches and despite being sorely relieved by their lack of interest towards him, it also crushes his soul pretty deeply because Jude’s invisible as a ghost.
“Can I hug you?” The ghost whispers into his ear with a soft tone as they look at some very lonely Jude having lunch in the bathroom stall.
“T-that is me?” Jude’s question is absolutely rhetorical since the features and bowl cut are unmistakable ;Jude mostly refers to the way his own eyes are completely lifeless. He looks miserable. He feels miserable, through the lack of life in His old self's eyes.
“Yeah.”
“Wow.” Jude’s eyes flicker to his old self’s hands and they look so small and cold and.. bruised. “Are those cuts?”
The ghost remains in silence for a long moment and Jude’s whole life flashes across his eyes, picturing the worst scenarios in his mind and wondering at the same time how can a friendship just influence the course of a whole life, just in a blink of an eye.
“No.”
Jude feels relief flooding through his chest. Thank God.
“You’re not a suicidal, Jude. If that’s what you were wondering.”
“I was.” Jude gulps, looking away from his old self, sighing sadly and picking at his food with a white plastic fork.
“But you have deep trust issues.” She explains. “You don’t let anyone in. People can’t tear down those brick walls you’ve built around yourself and that leads you to spend your childhood without friends.”
The dust appears again and Jude finds himself in a small bedroom, this time.
“W-where are we?”
The ghost sighs as she explains. “This is you.” She points at teenager Jude lying on the bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling and blank expression on his face.
“You’ve just had sex for the first time.”
Jude’s face gets completely red. “Um.. That doesn’t look like I’ve had a memorable first time.”
She lets out something between a strangled laugh and a nervous snort as she reveals. “You’ve hooked up with a girl.”
Jude’s eyes go wide as a strained laugh leave his lips. That’s just insane. “A girl?! Um.. Hello? ”
The girl waves her hand back as she teases him. “Um.. hello? You never came out.”
“What?!”
“You made coming out after you met Connor, remember? I am super gay for you? Clicks something in your mind?”
“Oh my God.”
“Yeah. Jesus. Yes. You’re the most clichè closeted gay in the closeted gays history.”
“B-but I will come out, eventually.. right?”
Jude’s scared of the wicked smile spreading across her face..
Another dust, another time Jump. Fucking awesome. Jude thinks. He doesn't even get an answer which it makes it ten times worse.
They’re in a room, this time. His childhood room.
“Am I okay?” Jude asks into her ear. She gives a slight nod of her head before walking towards the desk where Jude’s currently sitting.
Jude follows her till they’re both standing behind him. Jude’s writing something on what looks like a journal and he’s so damn focused on it that he's barely blinking.
“You start writing a journal at the age of seventeen.” She answers calmly as to read his thoughts, which maybe she is. She’s a ghost after all and this is a dream, Jude reasons. Anything could be a possibility at this point.
“it’s a big help when it comes to sharing your feelings. In fact, It makes you feel like there’s someone listening to you and in which you can rely on.” She smiles when she adds then. “You called it Blue.”
Jude’s heart literally stops beating for a long moment. He swallows down the lump in his throat as he manages to ask. “W-why, Blue?”
She doesn’t look away from the journal as she whispers. “Because it has always reminded you the color of your mom’s eyes. The only person you could trust in the entire world.”
Jude’s eyes glisten with tears as he leans in, trying to peek at what’s his old self is writing. “She truly was..”
His old self-handwriting is messy and quick and Jude can’t quite follow what he’s currently writing. He’s putting his feelings down on the paper, word after word fast as a flooded river.
“Dear, Blue.” She begins to tell. “There’s something bugging me night after night. A feeling, a presence.. but it’s not here, with me in this room. It’s like living inside of my head, in my heart and behind my closed eyelids.
It drives me crazy because it happens in a fraction of seconds and all I can see is a dark shadow. I can’t see its face or hear the voice, but it’s weird. It happens whenever I close my eyes. I see it and suddenly.. for a fragment of a second. I don’t feel so alone, anymore.”
Jude’s breath catches in his throat at the sudden-- quite absurd-- thought forming in his mind.. it can’t be, can’t it?
“H-h-he’s not..” Jude trails off, suddenly unable to push the words out. “Am I not talking about him, am I?”
She shrugs as she tells him. “This Jude’s clearly searching for someone that completes him. He’s searching for his Connor.”
“His Connor.” He repeats to himself, trying to make a sense to it but it ends up confusing Jude even more. “B-but Connor’s not part of my life anymore!”
“True.” She agrees. “But that doesn’t mean your mind and heart won’t stop looking for him. Connor’s real.” She says. “ You decided to change the course of your future and—“
Jude can’t take that kind of bullshits anymore so he just rudely interrupts her.
“I didn’t mean that!”
“You tend to push Connor away because you don’t trust him enough!”
Tears fall down Jude’s eyes without even realizing it. “Can you blame me? He left me!”
“Once.” The ghost says calmly, despite the firm tone in her voice. “He left you just once and he came back to you.”
“If he’s done it once, he’ll do it again!” Jude spits out desperately, trying to find her gaze with his red-rimmed eyes.
“He’s trying, Jude.”
“So am I.” Jude’s voice breaks into a sob. He just wants someone to understand. Why can’t anyone understand his point of view? He’s been left behind. Connor left and never came back to him. He only did after a year and a half without even giving him a heads up and Jude understood. He put himself in Connor’s shoes and tried to see past their problems and tension in favor of a fresh start.
But the first cut is the deepest, after all.
She gives him one of her longing (creepy.) looks and Jude doesn’t hear a thing, that until he finds himself being swallowed away once again.
“Well, this seems nice..” Jude breathes out a half sigh of relief that quickly turns into a startled gasp when The Ghost drags him by his arm and leads him into the colonial mansion.
“You should know better than judging the book by its cover.” She replies with an annoyed edge filling her voice, as they walk into the living room which is.. wow.
“I’m rich.” Jude acknowledges with wide eyes, gaping at the luxurious surroundings. “Not just rich. Fuck I’m millionaire.”
“Yup.
Jude’s looking around himself with an air of awe. All this luxury is making his head spin. A beam of hope starts swelling inside of his chest. “I’m not completely doomed.”
“You’re so shallow, Christ.” She spits out with deadly glare thrown in his direction.
“Excuse me?”
“Do you think all this luxury means happiness?”
“W-well it depends on who I’m sharing this luxury with.”
“That sounds fair.” She agrees with an eyebrow arched up. “Then just Follow me.”
She leads Jude outside of a closed bedroom and Jude, considering the loud moans of pleasure coming through decides to stop on its track. “Umm.. should we? It sounds like an intimate moment to break into.”
“Why not?”
Jude’s eyebrow lifts up. “Um.. I don’t really need to see myself having sex before actually having sex. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
“It does.” She tells him. “But that’s not you, in there.”
Jude feels air leaving his lungs as he gapes at her words. “W-wh—then who’s in there?”
“Your husband.” She says. “With the principal of your school, which is also a woman, by the way..”
Jude’s about to stride towards the door, ready to burst in when she stops him by standing in his way. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m coming in! My husband’s cheating on me. That fucking pig.”
“You’re a ghost right now.” She reminds him with an eyebrow raised quizzically. “And you really want to walk in your husband banging your principal?”
“No.” He reasons in the end. “I really don’t.”
“What are you thinking about?” She asks him as they descend the majestic marble stairs that lead them to the entry hall.
“Would my life be that awful, Just because Connor’s not part of it? Have I really been that bad that I deserve to live like this? In this golden misery?”
She winces in sympathy when Jude starts silently spilling tears down his eyes.
“It’s not your fault..”
“It is!” Jude snaps angrily through the haze of tears. “Do I really deserve to be left alone, rejected, avoided like the plague and cheated on? Am I such a horrible human being if this is what’s in store for me?”
“It’s nothing like that, Jude.”
“I love Connor.” Jude sobs desperately. “I love him so much and Only know I realize how much he’s important for me, but how the presence of someone is so essential for my story?”
“You know what’s the thing, Jude? Everyone's story is already written. We have a path to follow and yes, to answer your question, a person can really change the route of your whole life. It’s like a missing piece of the puzzle, you know? You can try and stuck another piece but it’ll never feel right.”
“So what happens now?” Jude asks tiredly. He hopes it involves coming back home, in his bed. He’s emotionally and physically tired and he really wants to take a break from all of this.
He's gonna live it, after all. He wants at least to keep some surprises for when the awful times comes.
He hears the ground trembling beneath his feet, a white dust rising from the ground and wrapping him whole in a sharp, blinding light.
“Now it’s up to you to make things right.”
Jude's strangely careful when he opens his eyes. He's almost tempted to not open it at all since the last time someone from a different life and universe was sitting right there.
“A dream.” He repeats to himself, through deep and long exhales of breath. “That was just a dream.”
He lifts up his hand, running through his hair and finding it slightly damp he realizes he's been sweating.
“Shower.” he croaks with tired, raw voice. “I need a shower.”
He checks his phone and he's actually surprised to see a mail in his inbox. It's from Taylor. He's tempted to ignore it since he's really not up to it for social time, but curiosity gets the better of him and he ends up opening it.
“Hey, Stranger! I'm having a Christmas eve party at my place, tonight. You up for it? Let me know, Grinch. Love ya.”
Jude’s tempted to ask. “Is Connor gonna be there?” And honestly, he’s not sure what is he hoping for.
That mystic journey has helped him open his eyes and realize that as unhealthy as it is, to be so dependent on another person, His life without Connor. it’s like a puzzle with the pieces in the wrong places.
He needs to put those pieces together.
Taylor greets him with a thousand watt smile on her lips. “The grinch has graced me with his presence! I’m so honored, your majesty!”
Jude raises an eyebrow at the mess that is Taylor, right now. “Have you been hitting the bottle, already?”
She laughs. “I am not! I’m just exhilarated! I love Christmas! Come on in, by the way.”
“Thanks.” Jude smiles as he leans in to press a kiss her on the cheek. “Nice apron, by the way.” he comments as he reads it outloud. “Check your food. I may poison you.”
“Thank you! A present from a friend.”
“That’s cute.”
Taylor gestures him to get comfortable in the living room. “I’ll call you all when dinner’s ready.”
Jude swallows as he asks her, suddenly nervous and heartbroken. “Umm.. do you need any help?”
She shakes her head as she heads to the kitchen. Oh okay. Jude’s totally screwed, isn’t he?
He keeps the strained smile firm planted on his lips as he motions to sit on the couch on the only available seat that’s between Daria and Connor.
No one says a word.
They just sit there, the three of them, completely avoiding each other’s presence and probably wishing to leave it that way.
Jude doesn’t dare to move a facial muscle. He literally feels stuck between a rock and a hard place since well, Connor’s tense and quiet on his left and Daria.. well, Daria hates him for being, what were her words? “A fucking homewrecker.” Yeah sure, like she ever stood a chance.
There’s a nervewracking moment made by their sharp (and loud.) exhales of breath and Jude can’t handle a second more of that insane silence.
Be smooth. He tells himself.
“Nice party. Huh?”
Daria snorts. Connor rolls his eyes. That went well.
Let’s try it again.
“It’s just me or it’s cold outside?”
This time someone actually speaks. Yay!
“Because it’s fucking December, you moron.” Jude has always appreciated Daria’s class.
“Thanks, Daria for the reminder. That’s very well appreciated. I was wondering why no one is wearing a bathing suit and now I know why.”
“You’re welcome.” She sasses back with a roll of her eyes while Connor lets out an embarrassed cough.
Jude doesn’t waste his breath to ask her why she’s a damned bitch all the time but that never led him anywhere so.. that’s just her personality.
He turns his face just slightly into Connor’s direction, this time. “Hey.. how are you doing?”
He knows he’s spoken the words. He did! But Connor obviously hasn’t registered those words coming off Jude’s lips. He would have at least moved a muscle of his face, right?
He probably hasn’t heard. Let’s try it again.
“Hey..” Jude speaks a little louder this time. “How are you d—“
“I heard you the first time.” Connor cuts him off with lip trembling like he’s refraining a laugh to come out.
“So why haven’t you replied to me?”
Connor still doesn’t look at him as he says. “Because we never met.”
Jude’s whole world crumbles beneath his feet, Fearing with every fiber of his being that this is another dream. Another way to test him. But before he could actually give voice to his thoughts, Connor finally deems him worthy of his gaze. “You literally said that you wish we’d never met.”
He hears a soft cough coming from his left. “You jerk.”
His eyes snap to Daria’s, spitting out with extra bitter tone. “Can you give us some privacy?”
She doesn’t even look at Jude, she addresses to Connor instead, asking with soft, innocent voice.
“Do you want some privacy with this elf, Connor?”
“We don’t need any,” Connor says with a sharp tone that literally feels like Jude has been stabbed right in the chest. “I’m leaving.”
He gets up and Jude doesn’t even register his own legs moving on its own accord and he doesn't question it either. He just chases after Connor, out of the door.
“Connor, please.. wait!” Connor speeds up on his steps, clearly hoping to get away from Jude as fast as possible.
“Please!” Jude cries out as he never stops running. When did they start running, in the first place? Jude doesn’t know or care. He just does.
“I love you, I s-swear!”
Those words do the trick. Connor suddenly freezes in his tracks. Slowly turning around to face a breathless Jude coming to him on shaky legs.
“You always say that you love me but you do nothing to prove it. So tell me, Jude. Why should I believe you this time?”
Jude bends over his knees just slightly, a look of pure desperation and fear flashing across his features as his heart actually risks to burst out of his chest.
“B-because. B-Because, I realized that n-nothing would be the same without you. N-nothing would have been the same, without you.”
Connor’s hard features are softening a bit at Jude’s sincere words but Jude can see that’s not enough. He knows that’s not enough.
“I.. I don’t know, Jude.”
“I’ve never trusted anyone,” Jude admits with the voice thick with tears. A few of them actually sliding down his cheeks. “The person I trusted the most in the entire world died and left me. I felt lost for the longest time, Connor but then I met you and you.. you have been the only one capable of tearing my whole world upside down. Y-you were the first person I trusted the most, besides my mother and my family and.. y-you left me, too.”
Connor takes a step forward in the copious snow, to wipe away tears with his thumb from Jude’s cheek. “I had no choice.” He tells Jude with a broken voice. “You know that.”
“I-I know.. but when you left, you took away a part of me with you, and it destroyed me!”
“I wish you would trust me, when I tell you that I’m not going anywhere.”
“I do.” Jude sniffs against his neck, his long arms wrapping around Connor’s broad shoulders. He relaxes into his arms when Connor presses his body impossibly close. “I do, now. I trust you. I-I don't want to ever be without you, Connor. Please, Don't leave me.”
“I’m here.” Connor whispers into his ear. “I’m never gonna leave you, I promise.”
Jude kisses him and just as their lips move against each other, snowflakes are gently falling down on them as to seal their promise of love.