Archive of Our Own

What is he doing? 

Toya hauled his bad leg across the tunnel, repressing a gasp of pain as he put the slightest ounce of pressure on it. He just showed up and told me to leave…is he really helping the mages?

What does he have planned?

It was terrifying to look directly into Akito’s eyes and not see anything inside them–they’d become completely hollow, any feeling or intention buried behind the grim mask shadowing his face. Toya had no idea what he was thinking, and it honestly frightened him. 

He didn’t want to believe that his beloved partner could be helping the cultists responsible for so much bloodshed and horror, but he had no other idea what could be happening. 

…He told me “it’ll be okay.”

How can it be okay if he’s helping them release that monster? It could be the end of the world if we know it.

What kind of a promise is that, Akito?

Toya stopped and leaned against the wall to rest, breathing heavily. It’s so hot.

I want to go home. I’m so tired of this desert.

I wish I could take Akito from this cursed hollow and just head home to Salix where no one could disturb us ever again.

Maybe I should’ve fought harder to stay by him…although it would’ve been useless. I don’t have my sword, and my magic won’t work in this heat.

We would’ve only died together. It’s not much of an improvement on our current situation…

But maybe I could’ve kept everyone safe that way.

Toya considered it uneasily. If his partner was really dooming them all to life (or death) under such a horrid beast…

Could he have fought his own partner over something like this?

Could he have killed him?

…I don’t want to think about this. I couldn’t do anything this way anyway.

Maybe the presence of the crystals could’ve–

The realization was like a knife stabbing through his heart.

The crystals.

I’m such a goddess-damned fool.

Fear driving his steps Toya turned right back around, nearly toppling over but clinging to the rocky wall as he stumbled forward. No no no. 

I understood too late. It’ll take me too long to catch up to them again.

Akito–

Akito’s horrid plan suddenly seemed clear as day inside his head, and Toya hated himself for putting the pieces together so slowly. It was so obvious—there was no way on earth that Akito would be helping the mages! Ever since the very beginning–even before they’d met–Akito had done everything possible to get back at the ones who’d torn his life to shreds no matter the danger. 

And the mages had set up a fuse too enticing and obvious for anyone that desperate to pass up. Lighting it would be the deadliest choice anyone made, and Akito had come here with that exact goal in mind.

He’s going to kill himself.

I have to hurry.

How much time has passed since I first left? How many caves do I have left to come through?

If I could at least stop him—

…but we’d both be killed.

There’s no way to save him.

But I have to try! I can’t sit back and let him die!

Distantly he could hear yelling. It seemed Akito’s plot had been discovered already, and despite himself he prayed they might hold him back just a little longer. I have to try reasoning with him. 

They’ll only kill us both, but maybe if I can stall someone will come to save us.

Maybe we can get out alive if I can only tell him to stop, please Goddess please–

Toya stumbled to a stop in front of the hollow’s farthest cave, eyes landing on his partner instantly. Ren had his arm and was dragging him towards the door, Akito staggering behind him as he tried to pull away. His heart ached at the sight of the melting leather searing against his arm–Akito was already paying the price for his rebellion.

Before he could say anything Akito abruptly slammed his hand against Ren’s side, causing the fabric of his robe to burst into flames. He made a frantic dash for the crystals, and Toya realized this was his last chance.

“Akito!” he shouted, staggering down the tunnel and into the mouth of the cave. “Wait!”

His partner stared at him from across the cavern, back pressed against the wagons. His wide, dark eyes locked onto Toya’s with something like regret.

Toya took a step forward, for a moment believing he could calm him down, make him step away, anything but what he was about to do–

–but his partner only looked away from him, expression hardening even further into that horrible, grim resolve.

A few feet away Ren finally put out his robe and lunged forward to seize Akito’s arm, and before Toya could move to stop either of them his partner slammed his hand against the largest mana crystal. 

Everything went white.

Gradually the sky came into sight above him, a swimming haze of sickening, rose-colored dawn.

Toya pushed himself upright, trying to reorient himself. His head was spinning like mad and something above his eye was burning with pain and his leg ached even more than before, but he ignored all of that and staggered to his feet. What happened?

Did he really blow it up?

He stumbled into the cavern, staring in horror at the hole that had been broken through the cavern ceiling. Sand poured through it like water into the cave below, filling the area in much the same way it had when he and Akito had been trapped in that tunnel so long ago.

Akito…

Akito!

Toya limped through the cavern, smoke stinging his eyes as he desperately searched for Akito amid the nightmare before him. The destruction around him was horrible, and distantly as he stepped over unmoving, smoldering bodies he realized Akito’s plan had worked exactly as he’d wanted it to.

But where is he? 

I have to–

At last he saw that telltale flash of orange across the hollow. Despite his broken leg he’d never run so fast in his life.

Akito was slumped against the cavern wall, head drooping limply against his chest. Toya couldn’t hold back a choked cry at the sight of the large shards embedded in his stomach–his prayers had not been answered, and his partner’s fate was undoubtedly sealed.

No.

No, no–

Please, it can’t end this way–

“Akito!” he gasped, dropping to his knees beside him and shaking his shoulders. “Akito, please–it’s me!”

After a terrible moment of silence Akito’s head lolled slightly to the side, eyes slowly dragging open and focusing on him. “Toya…?”

“I’m here,” Toya managed, carefully tugging the biggest shards out. “J-Just let me pull these out. I’m sure you’re in pain.”

“D…Don’t bother,” the other boy rasped, wincing as Toya started on the smaller ones embedded in his arms and face. “Toya, don’t waste…your time…with this.”

“You–don’t say that! Akito, I–” He could hardly speak without choking on the lump in his throat. “You promised!”

“...m’ sorry. I promised…a lot…right?”

“You promised it would be okay,” Toya sobbed. “Akito, you promised.”

Akito’s mouth slowly dragged itself up into a pained smile. “‘m sorry…I lied. Didn’t want you…to be hurt.”

He attempted to sit up properly but collapsed back against Toya’s side, making a noise he’d never heard another human make. “–hurts–”

Toya dropped the shards in his hands and held him as tightly as he could, staring in horror at the red staining the stone where he’d been lying just before. So much blood. 

Akito is dying right in front of me and I can’t do anything.

“Toya,” Akito wheezed, eyes dimming just a little further. “‘m really sorry…I couldn’t make it out of here…with you.”

“Stop apologizing, please.”

Akito’s eyes glimmered faintly in the rosy light as they darted away from his face. “Have to. ‘m sorry, Toya.”

“Stop talking. Just hold on,” he begged him, straining his ears for any sound of approaching rescue. Silence still clung to the cavern like a shroud, though–no one was nearby yet. “Akito, if you just hold on a little longer, I’m sure someone will come. You have to survive, I’m begging you!”

A ragged sob tore through the other boy. “Can’t. ‘m sorry.”

“Please!”

“It hurts–hurts so much. Don’t want to.”

“No–Akito, you’re so strong. I-I’m sure if you just stay awake a little longer someone will come, and once you’re okay again we can–we can work together. I promise, I’ll do whatever I can to save you, so–”

“I can’t…keep living,” Akito mumbled. “It’s too much.”

“Please,” Toya whispered, barely aware of the tears rolling down both their cheeks. “I need you, Akito. You can’t die.”

His partner took a deep, shuddering breath. “‘m sorry, Toya.”

“Akito, please–no, you can’t–please, stay awake! Please–no, no, no, no, no…no…”

Abruptly Toya realized the faint rattle of breath in Akito’s lungs had silenced, leaving only the quiet hiss of sand trickling down around them. 

…He’s gone.

Akito’s gone. 

Toya sat there alone for what felt like centuries after, unable to do anything save hold his partner’s body and remember what it had been like when he was alive. 

When Ena and the others finally showed up it was too late to even attempt any kind of healing. 

Toya refused to get to his feet even after Kohane healed his leg, unwilling to let go of Akito for even a moment. It was Ken that eventually coaxed him up again, hands shaking uncontrollably despite his calm expression as he carried Akito out of the cavern.

The ride back was a complete blur. Toya clutched Akito close to his chest as the sun beat down on them, mind stuck on their conversation like a broken record. Akito’s words seemed to be sinking further into him like poison, so heartbreakingly hopeless he felt as though he was the one who had spoken them.

His partner had been alive just long enough to tell him he no longer wanted to live.

How was Toya even supposed to begin moving on from this?

The gates of Beryllium drew close, and finally he registered someone timidly tapping his arm. “Aoyagi-kun,” Kohane said weakly. “Ken-san says…Ken-san says he’ll take care of Akito-kun, so we…we should rest.”

“I could’ve stopped him,” he heard An mutter. The princess was staring out past the sandskiff at the distant desert, eyes wide and transfixed in horror. “If I’d put the pieces together, I could’ve…”

“An-chan, we’re back,” Kohane managed, turning briefly away from him to gently shake her shoulder. “Ken-san says he’ll take care of Akito-kun, so…”

…I don’t want to let him go. 

I can’t.

If they take Akito away–

“Toya.”

He looked up to see Ken set a hand down on his head, ruffling his hair j̷u̶s̶t̶ ̷l̵i̸k̶e̷ ̸h̸o̵w̴ ̷h̶e̶ ̴u̶s̶e̴d̷ ̴t̶o̵ ̴A̶k̷i̴t̸o̶’̵s̸ with a tortured smile. “I promise, I’ll take care of him,” he said quietly. “But there’s nothing else you can do for him.”

I don’t want to let him go.

But I have to.

I don’t have any choice.

And so Toya allowed Ken to take his partner away again, mindlessly following him into the city like some kind of puppet. Distantly he heard Sir Benjiro ordering a few other soldiers to prepare a skiff to fetch Ena–Akito’s sister had stayed at the cavern to “take care of” the remainder of the mages still there, and Mizuki had elected to remain behind in order to make sure she was fine. 

Toya wished he could be like her–wished he could take his anger out on those who truly deserved it–but his hands felt too limp and weak to administer any kind of justice.

He wished he could feel her rage instead of the all-consuming despair that was devouring him.

Ena-san…

Ena-san, how do I face this?

Akito’s gone, and I couldn’t save him.

How do I shut this feeling down before it spreads out of control?

They buried his partner with the other “heroes” in the temple graveyard, carving an Auroran sun on his headstone and painting it lovingly with an orange pigment so scarlet it was practically red. 

Ena was gone the very next day, supposedly to head back home and tell her parents the heartbreaking news. Mizuki stopped before they left to wrap Toya in the second-tightest hug he’d ever had, mumbling something he couldn’t quite make out with a fake smile, before finally leaving with the princess.

A stupidly naive part of Toya still couldn’t believe the funeral had happened. Every day he woke up he expected to see Akito fast asleep next to him, and the reality of the empty bed was jarring no matter how many times he repeated it. 

He started avoiding the inn room they’d stayed at like the plague, too haunted by his memories to even sleep with An and Kohane. With no other place to sleep Toya began to wander the town at night, trailing barefooted down the dusty, scorched roads without fear of who he met or where he went. It wasn’t until whispers began to circulate around the town of the pale ghost that drifted aimlessly throughout Beryllium did Captain Kimura and Ken put the pieces together and scold him furiously.

Still, Toya couldn’t stay “home”, so he went out again and again anyway.

One night he went out farther and climbed onto the ruined wall, oddly unbothered by the height as he usually would be. This fear was one that had quietly dominated a good deal of his life and nearly cost him his life–if not for Akito saving him so long ago in the tunnel he would’ve died to the sandworm merely because he couldn’t climb–and yet it felt as though he’d never had it in the first place.

He stared out at the gorge Akito’s sacrifice had left behind, sickened again by the reminder of the new gaping hole in his heart but unable to look away.

I never told him I was afraid of heights.

It was a silly thing to worry about all of a sudden.

I never told him I didn’t like sweets, either. 

Or that I never really enjoyed playing classical music.

Or that I was dreaming about getting married from the first night we kissed.

So many “secrets” he’d kept back out of shyness were bubbling up inside him, suddenly cold and sharp with the knowledge that he’d never been able to tell them. He hated sweets but loved his mother’s cookies, he really wanted to talk to his family again, he thought Akito was the kindest person in the world, he really wanted to be stronger and become someone Akito could properly rely on, he wanted to live beside Akito forever and ever and ever–

Toya didn’t remember falling or even his legs growing unsteady, but when he woke up in their inn room surrounded by a great deal of upset faces he realized he must’ve blacked out.

“–could have died! In fact, it’s a miracle you didn’t before Sir Yoshio found you!” Captain Kimura was shouting, voice louder than Toya had ever heard it. “You climbed nearly twenty feet and almost fell to your death! If Sir Yoshio hadn’t been passing by on his patrol route you would have died, Your Highness!”

“U-Um, sir–”

“Why were you up on the wall in the first place?! Were you actively trying to kill yourself?!”

“Sir–”

“We’ve already lost Akito, if we lose you too I–”

“Captain, no one can get a word in edgewise with all the yelling,” Ken soothed, patting the other man on the back. “And you’re going to upset Toya by bringing Akito up like that.”

Toya saw an anguished expression flicker across Captain Kimura’s face. Finally he fell silent, glaring at the ground as Ken carefully stepped past him and sat down beside Toya. “We’re glad to see you’re not hurt after that,” he said, trying for a smile (though it was the most forced smile he’d ever seen in his life.) “You gave everyone a heart attack, you know.”

“...I know. I’m sorry.”

W̶h̵y̷ ̸d̸i̵d̴ ̵h̵i̴s̵ ̴w̷o̸r̴d̶s̷ ̶s̶o̸u̶n̷d̷ ̷s̷o̵ ̶s̶i̶m̷i̶l̵a̵r̷ ̴t̵o̷ ̵A̷k̷i̴t̴o̴’̸s̸ ̵l̶a̸s̸t̸?̶

“Toya.” Ken’s voice took on an edge. “Were you trying to kill yourself?”

“No,” Toya answered tiredly. “I didn’t jump. I don’t even remember falling.”

Across the room An and Kohane deflated a little, faces paling in relief. 

He felt a pang somewhere in the empty chasm that was his chest–he hated to frighten them, to make them think they were going to lose him the way they had Akito for even a moment. 

Akito…

“From now on you’re going to be staying in my inn room at night,” Ken announced when the silence wore on too long. “Just in case we’ll have soldiers stationed outside, too, so don’t even think about sneaking out. This needs to be the last time this happens, alright?”

“Alright,” Toya muttered. “I understand.”

“Now that that’s settled, let’s have some breakfast sent up,” the king said, gently patting him on the shoulder. “Is there anything you feel like eating, Toya?”

…I don’t know what Akito’s favorite food was.

The thought hit him out of nowhere, jarring and horribly cruel in its sharpness. 

An and Kohane hastened to his side as the first tears began to trickle down his face, wrapping him in as tight a hug as they dared.

Another two weeks passed, and finally Ken suggested they visit the castle town. 

He said it was to “make sure everything was going well” and meet Toya’s father once he arrived, but Toya was absolutely sure it was to try and get Akito’s friends and family together in a well-intended attempt in helping them process their grief together. As such he wasn’t really keen on making the trip, but he agreed in the end for some reason he couldn’t name.

The trip there was long and quiet, and as the castle drew closer Toya couldn’t help but think of the shine in Akito’s eyes when he’d first properly remembered everything, or how he’d happily embraced Ena that day when they met again for the first time in ten years, or how his parents hadn’t even had the chance to meet him. It seemed that the Shinonome family was cursed to bear tragedy after tragedy–first to lose their son at such a young age, then to lose him again when a new hope had finally shown itself?

He still couldn’t believe it was real.

Ena met them at the gates with a surgically precise smile, her expression shattering the instant Toya offered her a hug. The crown princess of Aurora broke down sobbing in his embrace, babbling and wailing incoherently in a way he hadn’t seen since she’d first seen Akito’s body. It was all Toya could do not to join her–he’d surely cried enough already, and he didn’t want to intrude on her grief. 

They walked together into the castle, Ken and Captain Kimura shooing away anyone that tried to approach them. Toya hardly noticed who called out to them or tried to catch their attention, focusing only on holding Ena’s hand as tightly as he could.

Akito’s parents were waiting for them inside the courtyard, looking older than even his father even though he knew they were only in their forties. The king–Shin’ei–gently shook his hand and quietly thanked him for being such a good friend to Akito, and despite himself Toya couldn’t help but correct him.

“I was his partner, actually,” he explained, trying to keep his tone as steady as possible. “We were trying to be more subtle about it until we were more comfortable, but–”

His voice vanished in an embarrassing squeak. No more words would leave his mouth.

The queen–Kaori–reached out and took his hands in her own, managing a strained smile. “We’re glad we could meet you properly, Prince Toya.”

“We understand you were with Akito,” Shin’ei said carefully, as though stepping around a landmine. “At the end, I mean.”

“...I was.”

And not a day went by that Toya didn’t remember it. 

“What did he say?” Kaori whispered. “Can you tell us?”

Toya swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Could we please…?”

“Oh–of course. Please, come in.”

The two led them inside, stopping to greet the others once Ena haltingly explained who they were. Shin’ei shook Ken, An, Kohane and Captain Kimura’s hands as gently as he had Toya’s, too overcome to say anything beyond a gruff “thank you” before ushering them into a meeting room near the entrance.

It was there that Toya did his best to make himself comfortable and explain what exactly had happened in the cavern to them–Akito had gone to the hollow to set him free before blowing it all up. Toya had attempted–and failed miserably–to stop him, and had only been able to sit there and hold him in his last moments.

The memory was as haunting as it had been when he’d lived through it. He still vividly recalled the way Akito’s blood had stained his hands, the way Akito had cried when he’d told him he didn’t want to keep living–

Toya’s voice caught again, and this time he could feel a distinct stinging sensation in his eyes.

It had been a great many years since Toya had ever cried this much. “Sadness” and “crying” had been locked up in the box with his other emotions, and yet as always Akito had been the one to draw it out.

It was enough to make Toya want to scream.

…Why did he leave?

Why had his partner left him behind so?

Toya ended up leaving halfway through his story, unable to finish speaking no matter how hard he tried.

“That crate goes over there, Your Highness.”

“Sorry,” Toya said on autopilot, picking it up again and moving it to the correct table. “I didn’t mean to lose focus.”

“Hey, it’s alright. I’d be a really awful person to tell you off,” Shiho pointed out, her tone softening a little. “Why don’t you sit down? You’ve been working really hard, and I’m worried you’re gonna end up breaking something or hurting yourself.”

“Apologies, Hinomori-san. I’m under strict instruction to always keep busy.”

She pursed her lips but nodded. “Alright.”

I’m so tired. 

I just want to lay down and not talk to anyone for hours.

But he had his marching orders, so he made sure to follow them. It was the only way the others could trust him.

“The Salix king’s arrived!”

“Hurry, help them through the gates!”

Despite himself Toya sighed. It seemed today just wasn’t his day.

“We need to go unpack the supplies your father’s brought,” Shiho ordered, sharp green eyes flitting over him. T̴̡̂h̴͚̓ë̶͖y̴͙̓ ̴̻̓r̵̈́͜ê̴̩m̸̼̈i̷̯̍n̸̪͂d̵͙͘e̵̹͗d̵̲̅ ̷̨͝ẖ̵̉i̶͕͑m̸̛̳ ̶͔̿ù̴͍n̸̢͌ċ̴̙ọ̵̀m̸͙͝f̸̟̓ŏ̴̗r̸̟̄t̷̰̓a̵̾ͅb̵̠͋l̴͓̀y̷̝͗ ̵̤͝ö̶͉f̴͍̒ ̵̣̅Á̸̤k̸̨̕ị̸͐t̶͎́o̸̹̎’̵͉̽s̴̞̐. “You good to go?”

“...Yes. Better to just get it over with.”

She patted him on the back. “Alright. Remember, you don’t have to talk to anyone if you don’t want.”

“Toya-kun! Are you heading out to meet your father already?”

“Yes,” he answered as Saki hurried over to them, stumbling a little on her crutch. “Are you feeling up to walking that way, Saki-san?”

“Yep! I’ve gotta be there for moral support,” she declared, smiling softly up at him. “No matter what he says about you or…well, just remember we’re here for you, alright, Toya-kun?”

He tried for a smile. It was significantly harder to do lately. “Thank you.”

And so they headed down to the gates together, where his father was undoubtedly waiting. 

There was a flurry of activity already happening when they got there, and though Toya wished desperately he could avoid him he could already see his father scanning the crowd for him with narrowed eyes. Beside him stood a few soldiers and–unless his eyes were deceiving him–Tsukasa.

…It’s Tsukasa.

It’s really him.

Toya’s spirits lifted and promptly sank again, but he couldn’t help but feel relieved. It had been forever since he’d seen Tsukasa, and the last bit of news he’d had of him had been the ominous news that he’d been a part of the party to kill An and her family but had run away.

He hadn’t seen him in forever, and all of a sudden he was sorely missing him. 

Toya stood back patiently and let Saki rush ahead, watching with a tiny smile as she crashed into her brother and began to cry. It’s been hard for her, too, I’m sure.

“Alright, alright, break it up, guys. Some of us would like to keep our eardrums,” Shiho sighed, gently tugging Saki back. “Saki, do you feel like directing the others?”

“Yep! We’ll talk more later, Onii-chan,” Saki said, smiling tearfully up at her brother. “See you then!”

“See you then, Saki! Be careful with that crutch!”

Tsukasa turned around, his face brightening as he saw Toya. “TOYA! YOU’RE REALLY SAFE!”

“It’s good to see you again, Tsukasa,” Toya managed as his friend crushed him in a bear hug. “So much has happened since we last saw each other.”

“I’ll say! I’ve heard a lot about the antics you’ve gotten up to lately,” Tsukasa scolded, withdrawing and placing his hands on his hips with a frown. “Leaving the castle and heading for an occupied kingdom?! It’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done!”

“Ah…well, I–”

“I’ve been worried sick! The captains told me, too, that you left the castle with some crazy trainee! I’m glad to see you’re not hurt after all that!”

Toya felt as though someone had taken a hold of his heart and squeezed.

It hurts. 

It hurts so much.

Akito–

“T-Toya? Are you–”

Tsukasa quickly pulled back, alarm and concern decorating his face. “D-Did I say something wrong? If that trainee is really your friend then I didn’t mean to–TOYA?!”

Toya really wished he could get over this pain already.

Shiho warded away the rest of the soldiers (and his father) as Toya sobbed into Tsukasa’s shoulder, feeling just like a little kid again as the older boy frantically patted him on the back. The story spilled out all at once–running away with Akito, trying to keep him safe, and ultimately failing as his partner sacrificed himself for the sake of his revenge. It felt like expelling venom from a wound, but it still wasn’t enough.

Tsukasa didn’t let him go at all during his story, only pulling back to apologize once he was done speaking. “I’m truly sorry, Toya,” he said seriously, regret written all over the open book that was his face. “I had no idea. I can’t believe I said something so stupid.”

“You’re fine,” Toya managed, wiping his face with his sleeve. “I keep trying to get over it, but–but–”

–It’s too hard.

How can I forget Akito when there’s reminders of him everywhere?

I hate this reality.

Ì̶̒͠ͅ ̴͓̣͈̞̈͘w̴̤͂́̋̽̏i̴̱͕̗͝s̸͉͊h̸̙͈̻́̋̈́̀̚ ̶̛̛̉̽͋͜i̶̜̦͂̅̂̇t̷̹͉̒̈́̿ ̸͕́͝w̷̩͖͙͖̠̃o̷͚̲͐͌̀ǘ̸̹l̴̝̊̋̚ḋ̵̨͉̥͓̊̿͂ ̵̩̪̥̻̘̌ȃ̷̻͘̕l̸͕͚̽͒̕̕l̸̨̺̺̲͎̏̿̌̕ ̵̢̞̫̚͘j̶̧͓͋̈́u̸̝͐̔͝s̸͉̲̤̉͌͐͝t̴̛̟͉̮̙̔ ̶̣̱̊̈́̈́͗͂d̴̺͇̥͆̑̄i̶̞͎̾ṡ̶̛̜͓̽ą̷̤̹̰̒̆͜p̴̭͉͙͐̄p̷̱̝͗̈́̚ẻ̵̢̓̃̌͋a̸̧̓̉̈́̾r̴̢̬̣̰̠͑͗.̸̻̯̹̹̈́̓͂͘͘

He didn’t say all this, though. He had a feeling it would do nothing but concern those around him. 

“Come on, let’s go sit down,” Tsukasa said, shooting an apologetic glance in Shiho’s direction as he helped Toya to his feet. “Shiho, is it fine if we sit this out?”

“Sure. Make sure he’s taken care of.”

“You can leave it to me! Toya’s like a little brother to me, after all!”

And with that he steered Toya away, hand resting securely on his shoulder.

Tsukasa did his best to protect Toya for the rest of the day, but duty called, and eventually Toya was required to at least greet his father. 

“Took you long enough,” Harumichi had grumbled when he’d stopped by their chambers at last, looking disapprovingly at him above his mug. “You’re in a great deal of trouble already. You ought not to make things worse for yourself.”

Toya only stared at him, just tiredly waiting for him to get to the point. His father had sighed and just set the mug down. “Report. Will you at least tell me what exactly you accomplished by running away?”

His fists had automatically clenched at the disdain in Harumichi’s tone, but he’d taken a deep breath and forced himself to speak. It felt as uncomfortable as it had been before he’d run away–maybe he hadn’t changed as much as he thought he had.

…Or maybe he had changed–but losing Akito had pushed him back over the edge again.

It was depressing, to say the least.

Harumichi listened with an oddly stoic face as he described the things they’d done in Aurora, taking as much care as he could to avoid the topic of Akito as long as he could. It had been a month now and even thinking about his partner felt like rubbing salt in a still-bleeding wound. 

He wondered if he would ever be able to think about Akito happily again.

Maybe not.

“So the cultists were successfully taken down at the scorpion hollow?” Harumichi asked at last when Toya had run out of words. 

“Yes.”

“And the one who…defeated them…” His father hesitated. “...was that trainee–no, Prince Akito Shinonome?”

“...Yes.”

Oh, how it hurt. 

Toya wondered vaguely what his father thought of him–crying and falling apart at the briefest mention of a boy he’d met just a couple months ago. The whole thing was ridiculous when he took a step back and looked at it from an outsider’s perspective.

But it had only taken him a few weeks to know that Akito was the most important person he’d ever had the chance of meeting.

And he was gone.

Toya didn’t even have the energy to complain about being summoned or talk back to his father. It was pathetic, but the sadness choking him was too strong to fight off.

“...I see.”

Harumichi stared at his mug, an expression he didn’t understand flickering across his face.

“If that’s all, I’ll be going,” Toya said at last. 

“Wait.”

He turned wearily back to face his father, unable to hold back a sigh. “What?”

“They told me you were smiling more,” Harumichi said gruffly, setting down his mug. “At least…before.” He hesitated. “Was it because of this boy?”

Unable to speak, Toya had just nodded.

His father had finally looked away. “We’ll hold a service for him when we get home. I understand…that he was very important to you.”

That was the last thing he had expected from his father after how they’d parted, and it had rendered him speechless for at least another hour. 

He’d thought his father would take any chance possible to slander Akito’s name, or at least complain about him a little–he hadn’t expected such kindness regarding his grief. It was oddly refreshing.

Still, the reminder that he would be unable to escape Akito’s death no matter where he went felt as though it was suffocating him, rising up inside him and slowly cutting off his air.

He wondered how long it would be before he finally broke for good.

“So…who’s the guy you were with earlier?”

An’s casual tone was painfully fake, but Toya decided to humor her. “My old friend, Tsukasa Tenma,” he answered honestly, chewing on his food without really noticing what it was. “Ah, he was forced along on the party to take you down…but he defected. He’s a good person.”

“If you’re saying it, it must be true, Aoyagi-kun,” Kohane said with a weak smile as she picked at her food. “Um…”

They all stared awkwardly at their food for a few minutes.

The conversation feels so strange without Akito.

Toya was unable to keep himself from imagining the other boy seated in the chair between them–already he could see his big grin as he teased Kohane and squabbled with An, could picture his softening smile as he glanced his way. If he only closed his eyes it seemed as though Akito was alive and well like usual.

But he was gone, and Toya had been unable to save him.

“...I miss him.”

Kohane’s little whisper broke the silence, turning into a squeaky hiccup halfway through.

“I-It’s been a while…since we really talked about Akito-kun,” she sniffled, big tears already dripping down her face. “I miss him so much, b-but–”

An wrapped her in a hug, lower lip trembling. “I miss him too,” she said quietly. “That stupid idiot. I’d give anything to have him back.”

“Me too,” Toya mumbled. “I wish he was here.”

I’d sacrifice anything if I could have Akito back.

I just wanted to live with him for the rest of our days.

But he’s gone. 

Why did he leave?

Why didn’t he let us save him?

Kohane blindly reached across the table to seize his hand, gulping slightly. “You–you remember when we all rode the sandskiff down the road together?”

…Ah.

Good memories.

Surely I can talk about those.

“Goddess, yes. I knew he’d enjoy it,” An answered with a shaky laugh. “He was so grumpy about it when we told him to hop on. Honestly, doesn’t he know how to have fun?”

“Remember when he told us how he’d remembered who he was?” Toya asked, trying his hardest to smile like she was. It felt like he was forcing the expression onto his face–just like old times. “I was so happy for him.”

“Yeah.” Kohane took a deep breath. “He was so nervous, but I could tell–I could tell he was glad to tell us.”

“And when we took the curse off at last,” An chimed in, blinking rapidly. “Goddess, he couldn’t stop smiling for a week afterwards.”

“...He was so happy.”

Where did things start to change?

Akito was so anxious even before the Battle of Beryllium. 

He was trying so hard, and yet–

And yet–

“I wish Ren was still alive so I could kill him again.”

Toya was deeply surprised to hear those words coming from his mouth and not An’s, who was staring at him in something like surprise. 

“Me too,” Kohane mumbled, startling both of them again. “He hurt Akito-kun so badly…we never even learned what he did to him before taking you.”

“Akito never told us,” An said, her expression beginning to break. “He–he didn’t tell us what was going on.” Her breath hitched, and Toya was sure she was going to start crying any minute now. “He didn’t even tell what he was planning!”

Tears were already running down Kohane’s face again. “He didn’t tell us anything,” she whispered. “We couldn’t…we couldn’t even say good-bye.”

…How could he?

How could he leave?

Toya hated the thought of being angry at Akito, but a part of him felt as though it would always be irreparably hurt. 

He’d tried so hard to reach his partner, to plead with him, to get him to choose any route but the one that was sure to kill him, but Akito had chosen death anyway, leaving all of them behind.

Toya desperately wanted to go with him.

…Ah.

I can’t say that.

I absolutely can’t. It’ll destroy them.

But I w̶a̵n̴t̸ ̸t̶o̵ ̴g̶o̴ ̵w̸i̷t̴h̵ ̷̷̯͒h̸̴̵͎̞̀̒i̸̵̶̹̞͋̏m̸̸̵̫̮̈͠.̵̷̸̟̬̐͑

“...Toya, ‘m really sorry…I couldn’t make it out of here…with you.”

“Just hold on. Akito, if you just hold on a little longer, I’m sure someone will come. You have to survive, I’m begging you!”

“Can’t. ‘m sorry.”

“Please!”

“It hurts–hurts so much. Don’t want to.”

“No–Akito, you’re so strong. I-I’m sure if you just stay awake a little longer someone will come, and once you’re okay again we can–we can work together. I promise, I’ll do whatever I can to save you, so–”

“I can’t…keep living. It’s too much.”

“Please. I need you, Akito. You can’t die.”

His partner took a deep, shuddering breath. “‘m sorry,Ţ̷̛̘͓̠͕̝̖͖͎̗̥̗̻̲͕͇͕͖̝̙̤̭̪̟̺̼̙̙̰͉̗̣̭͇̮̱̟̺̖͉͔̞͋̓̉̅̐̋͊̐́͛͛̌́͑̒̍̓͒̈́̅͗̀̓̿̋̅̓̋̾̐̿́̓̍͆̑͌̽̓͊̈́̇́͘̕̚͜͜͝ȏ̴̡̡̡̙̟̳̪̖̣̩̦̮͓͚͚̟̺̻̤̟͚̰̺͓͖̺͇͉̥̟̥̟̟͍̘̲͍̓̓̇͂͒͐́̈́̏̅̿̆̒̈́͂̑̿̈́̉̋̿͒͛͐̈́̌̑̎̊̄̓͂͌̾̀̄̓̒̐͊̒̚̕̚͜͝͝y̶̨̭̓̈́̿͑̓̓̈́͑̾̑̋̀̉̈́̔̓̈́͒̾͗̿́̎́̈̏̃͐̑̂̈́͊̒̿́͐͋͆̈́̕̕a̵͈̼͍̗͚̗̯̫̬̜̱͓̹̟̰̮̲̼͓̅͌̑̈́̑̿̋́̈́̒̏̈́̚̕.̷̧̢̧̛̛̜̤͙̞̹̬͇͖͙̺̪̬͈̲̘̬̰̹͕̺̝͍͕͈̦̟̞̞̩̱̯̜̪̗͇̻̣͓̮͉͙̘̊̀͌̾̔̈́̏̃̋̌́͒̄̾̌͒͑̑͛̓̍̍̊̽̈́̆̄̽̾͛̔́̄̃́̿̆͘͘̕͜͜͝͝”̴̨̡̡̨̱̺̞̜̙̯̼̮͉͙̗̬̘͇͍̭͒̇̀̀́͋̂̈́̀̕͝

“No!”

Toya sat upright gasping for breath again, clutching his chest as his head spun. No.

Akito–

Akito, please–

…It’s just another dream.

He recklessly summoned water and splashed it against his face, shivering. 

I can’t stop dreaming about that moment. 

Was there truly nothing I could do?

I could’ve stopped the bleeding, or…

Toya angrily shook his head. Ken had told him repeatedly that there was nothing he could’ve possibly done to change the outcome, no matter how much it hurt–on top of all the horrible burns and bleeding he’d sustained Akito had broken his back when he’d hit the wall, and without healing powers there was nothing he could have done.

He knew full well that the king was speaking logically, and that realistically there had been nothing he could do, but it didn’t stop him from feeling horrible about it still. 

Akito had died in his arms, and Toya had been completely useless until the very end. 

I can’t forgive myself.

Or maybe it’s Akito I can’t forgive.

He sighed, pulling his knees to his chest and dropping his head against them. I don’t know anymore.

What now?

I can’t forget him. I can’t ever move on.

I can’t even think about him without falling apart. 

…We go back to Salix tomorrow. Perhaps I can distract myself there somehow.

No. A lump rose in his throat. Akito will be everywhere.

In the training grounds, in the barracks, in the courtyard, in the doctor’s study, in the ballroom, in his room–all those places he hadn’t cared for before would be dyed in that horrible, lovely shade of orange and tainted with memories of the boy he’d loved before his untimely death. 

No, he couldn’t just go “home”–because home was Akito, and Akito was dead. 

There was no home left for Toya.

There’s nowhere left that won’t remind me of him.

What do I do?

How do I go on like this?

…I can’t.

It was freeing to admit it at last.

They’d been desperately keeping him alive since Akito’s death, undoubtedly unable to handle losing him as well–but Toya was tired of pretending. He knew he could no longer take the pain, and although he didn’t resent them for trying to hide this inevitable conclusion from him, he was glad he no longer had to pretend he didn’t know what to do.

Perhaps that’s the answer I’ve been searching for this whole time.

Perhaps it’s fine to end it now.

Toya left his room and trailed down the hallway, just letting his footsteps guide him without thinking of his destination.

It feels as though a part of my heart has been cut away…

…or maybe my heart’s not even there at all anymore.

Is this what Akito was thinking at the very end?

Was Akito this broken inside, too?

It was nice to think he might understand his partner’s feelings. 

I want to go with him.

I don’t want to be a part of this reality anymore.

I don’t want to be without him.

I want to go to where Akito is.

The moon beamed gently down on him as he ascended the stairs inside the castle wall, keeping an eye out for any well-meaning busybodies who might stop him. Perhaps it had been a lucky accident that Sir Yoshio had found that first day he’d accidentally fallen, but it would do no good to have the miracle repeat itself when he had no wish to be saved.

At last Toya stood at the top of the wall, mind devoid even of hesitation.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

Everything, all of it–

It’s too much like you. 

I’m sorry. I don’t want your gift, Akito. 

I only wanted you. 

I only wanted you, Akito.

And so he fell, marveling at how the sky seemed to fall around him like a blanket–as if he was only going to sleep.

Out of his closing eyes Toya saw an orange bird, darting above him like some divine messenger. 

Please.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

On some distant breeze Toya caught the scent of flowers.

…Daisies?

When he opened his eyes they met a matching pair of olive eyes above him.

He froze, blinking a few times to make sure. It was really him–tanned skin, messy orange hair and those olive eyes that had always softened when they landed on him. Somehow Akito was sitting beside him once more.

“A–Akito!”

Toya sat up as fast as possible, unable to resist reaching for his partner’s hands and squeezing them as tightly as he could to make sure he was real. “It’s really you! I-I can’t believe it, but–”

He could feel a silly smile spreading across his face. “I’ve missed you so much, Akito. I can’t believe you’re here.”

“...Me too.”

His partner stared down at their intertwined hands, a sadder expression than he’d ever seen shadowing his face. “I’m sorry,” he said at last. “I know I left you alone.”

“That’s alright,” Toya reassured him giddily. “I’m here now, so—”

“But you’re not supposed to be here.”

“I…what?”

Those olive eyes he loved so much were filled with regret beyond belief. “Toya, you shouldn’t be here. You’ve got so much ahead of you still.” He shook his head. “Don’t throw it all away for me.”

“...You’re telling me not to throw everything away?”

Akito avoided his gaze as Toya spoke, unable to keep an angry tremble out of his voice. “You had a whole life ahead of you with your family and you threw it away to get revenge on the mages! I–it’s been a solid month and no one’s even gotten close to getting over you!”

“I know.”

“You–you left us behind! You were supposed to rely on us, t-to tell us what was wrong–but you didn’t tell anyone what you were doing! You didn’t even say goodbye! No one could even tell what you were thinking!”

It hurt to feel this angry, to feel as though his heart was ripping in two all over again even though he was beside Akito once more, but it felt as though some dam inside of him had broken at last. Every bit of Toya was burning with miserable rage too hot to put out, and as a result it flooded from him like water from a gaping wound in stone.

“You said we work things out together! You told me we–you told me you’d keep trying! You were supposed to stay!

“You promised me it would be okay!” Toya sobbed, punching Akito in the chest. The other boy hardly even flinched. “You–you promised to take me to see the lanterns! You–Akito, you–you–”

Akito sniffled, the sound abruptly silencing him. “I know.”

His partner stared at the grass below them with glimmering eyes, glaring at the little blades of green as though to avoid his gaze. “I was an awful friend, and I shouldn’t have done what I did,” he said at last. “I knew how it would make everyone feel even if I pretended I didn’t.

“I just wanted to save you…but I knew how you would all feel. I still did it anyway, though, because I hoped that would be better for you than tying yourselves down to me for the rest of your lives.” Finally Akito looked back up at him, looking genuinely ashamed. “I’m sorry, Toya. I mean it.”

…Why?

Why did things have to turn out this way?

Toya reached forward and wrapped him in a tight hug, rocking him back and forth. Akito held him just as tightly, burying his face in his shoulder.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without you. I-I’m supposed to go back to Salix tomorrow, but–”

“Mm.”

“Everyone misses you so much, and I know they’re scared about me dying just like you, but I don’t–I can’t live like this anymore–”

“You have to.”

“But I can’t,” Toya said desperately. “Not without you, Akito.”

“If I could come back…” An agonized expression flitted across his partner’s face. “That’s useless. I shouldn’t even bother wishing for it.”

“Please, don’t make me leave. Please.”

“You can’t stay, Toya.”

“Aki–”

“No.” Akito’s voice broke. “I’m sorry. But you can’t stay.”

“But why? I-I should be dead, I–”

“I got Ken-san and the others to come find you,” the other boy mumbled. “There’s not much I can do the way I am, but…I can at least save you again.”

“...Why won’t you let me stay?” Toya whispered.

All I want is to be by your side.

Why won’t you let me be with you, Akito?

“Because I want you to live,” Akito said firmly. “I’ve always wanted you to live. Toya, no matter what, I want you to live out the rest of your life without turning out like me.”

“But that’s not fair! I want to be with you!”

“No. Toya, you’ve got a chance. Don’t you get it?” his partner pleaded, seizing his hands with a manic sort of desperation. “The mages are gone. No one can hurt you anymore. You have to live.”

“I only wanted to be with you,” Toya said miserably. “Please don’t send me back, Aki.”

Akito shook his head, mouth pressed into a trembling line. “I have to. Please, Toya.”

I don’t want Akito’s generosity. 

I don’t want to be left behind again. I just want him.

Why does it have to be this way?

“I’ll be watching over you the entire time,” Akito added. “You, An and Kohane. I won’t let anything else hurt you if I can help it.”

Toya weakly shook his head as he continued. “And I just know you’ll make an awesome king. An and Kohane, too–their cafe’s gonna be amazing. I know it.”

“Akito–”

“–Ena will be fine, I’m sure she’ll marry that pink loser and forget all about me–you guys can, too–”

“Please, stop. I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

At last Akito fell silent, avoiding his gaze. “Alright. Sorry.”

I don’t want to go back.

I’m already home. Akito is beside me, really talking to me–I don’t need anything else.

But…maybe he’s right. 

…I don’t want to regret anything else, though.

He took a deep breath. “Aki, can I tell you a secret?”

Akito blinked. “Sure.”

“I’m scared of heights.”

Akito blinked twice, looking confused. “You’re…scared of heights?”

“Yes,” Toya said firmly. “At least, I used to be. Ah, and I actually hate sweets. Except for my mother’s cookies.”

“I had no idea,” his partner muttered.

“And I actually never liked playing classical music. I happened to be good at it because my father taught me as a child, but I actually might’ve hated it.” He was no doubt rambling now, but he couldn’t stop. “I still want to reconnect with my family, though. And–and I was dreaming of marrying you ever since we first kissed.”

“...Really?”

“Yes.” That secret hurt a little more to let slip, but Toya soldiered on. “I wanted to keep getting strong so that you could rely on me more. I think you’re the kindest person I’ve ever met, ever. I-I wanted to live with you for years and years and years until we were both a hundred and died of old age.” He paused for a moment to swallow past the lump in his throat. “And I hated myself for letting you die. I know there was nothing I could do to stop it, but I’ve never felt more useless before in my entire life.”

“I’m sorry,” Akito whispered.

“Don’t apologize. It only makes it worse.” Toya took his hands again, gently rubbing his thumb across Akito’s many calluses and scars. “Can you tell me some of your secrets, Aki?”

His partner was quiet for a moment, sharp grief lighting up in his eyes before fading again. “I’m scared of dogs.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. One bit me as a kid,” Akito grumbled, cheeks turning red. “I dunno. I’ve just been scared of them since.”

He stared off into the distance, pursing his lips. “What else…I really like pancakes. Cheesecake, too, but I like pancakes more,” he said thoughtfully. “Um…I can’t really take alcohol. I’m not really supposed to have it that often ‘cause I always act like an idiot afterwards.”

“I had no idea…”

Akito chuckled. “That’s why it was secret. It was super embarrassing.”

He thought for a little bit longer. “I was dreaming of marrying you, too,” he said at last. “At least, I think I was. I’m not sure of anything before that night anymore.”

Toya’s heart ached with this new information–it had already been raw and bleeding, and rather than heal it this conversation had only wounded it more–but he carefully filed it away in a little corner of his mind with all of Akito’s other precious secrets, hoping he would never forget it.

“Why did you do it?” he asked. “Choose to…kill yourself, I mean.”

His partner wearily shook his head. “I don’t even know. I spent the first two days you were a prisoner going crazy–I was stuck at home without any way to rescue you…and that mage’s spell still bouncing around my head. It was really horrible.”

Toya remembered how his partner had screamed and cried as Ren dragged him away, clawing at his skin and hair and wounds as though that would make whatever was tormenting him stop.

It was, without a doubt, one of his second-worst memories.

“...What did he make you see?”

“All kinds of bad stuff,” Akito muttered. “You, Ena, Kohane and An all dying. I couldn’t save anyone.”

He buried his face in his hands. “I feel like I lost my mind entirely by the end. I’m so sorry, Toya.”

“...No. I’m sorry for not being able to properly understand.”

Now that Toya had said his worst and taken most of his anger out on Akito, he could see that a lot of it was misplaced. Of course he would always be heartbroken and upset that his partner had chosen death rather than stay with them…

…but it wasn’t fair to act like Akito had made the decision for no good reason. 

If it weren’t for Ren taking him away, killing his master and attacking Beryllium…taking me…

Akito would probably still be alive.

It was a true tragedy. 

“I think you really need to go now,” Akito sighed, looking down at Toya’s hands. He realized with a start that they were becoming transparent. “Our time’s up already.”

“Will I ever see you again?” Toya asked hopefully. 

“I can’t always appear directly, but I’ll keep an eye on you, at least. And I’ll be waiting for you here at the end,” Akito promised him. “Unless you’ve found someone new. I don’t wanna get in the way of–”

“I won’t.”

“Huh?”

“I won’t find anyone new. You’ll be the only one for me, Akito.”

“Huh?! Toya, you can’t just–you’re fifteen,” Akito sputtered, looking as though he was torn between being flattered and outraged. “You shouldn’t be throwing away your whole love life for some idiot kid who killed himself a month after you got together.”

“I don’t care. You’re the one who changed my life,” Toya reminded him. “I don’t want anyone else. It’ll always be you.”

He tightened his grip around Akito’s hands, fingers passing through his partner’s. “In return, you have to be waiting for me here. Understood?”

Akito hesitated before smiling wearily. “Alright. I’ll wait right here for you, Toya.”

He hugged him again, less tighter than before but no less warm. “Promise me you won’t try and die again, okay?”

“I won’t,” Toya promised. “I’ll live, just like you want me to.”

Akito’s shoulders sagged as though a massive weight had finally been taken off of them. “Good. I don’t wanna see you here for another few decades, got it?”

“Heh. Understood.”

“Tell the girls I said sorry, and goodbye,” Akito added. “Ena, Ken-san and Captain Kimura, too. I don’t want them to worry anymore.”

He hesitated, tugging at a messy strand of scarlet hair. “And…can you tell my parents I’m sorry I never got to meet them?”

“I will,” Toya reassured him. “I’ll make sure they know. I swear on our bond.”

It was the most sacred thing he could think of to swear on (no offense, Your Grace, but he’d never really been the religious type) and it worked wonders if Akito’s affectionate sigh meant anything. “You’re so serious. I’ve always liked that about you.”

The two faced each other one last time as the scene began to brighten around them, just drinking in the sight of each other before this sad miracle ended.

“I love you, Toya,” Akito said quietly. “I always will.”

Toya felt a genuine smile tug at his mouth. “I love you too, Aki.”

And so the garden disappeared at last, taking his partner with it.

“...if we hadn’t found him so fast…”

“...what was that bird, anyway? You said it was orange...”

“...I swear to Goddess I’m going to kill him for this…”

Toya forced his eyes open through sheer will alone and saw the warm lights of the castle medical wing around him. 

Slowly everything else came into focus. Every nerve and muscle in his body ached despite the soft mattress below him–ah, the consequences of my actions–but oddly enough he felt lighter than he’d been in weeks.

I’m back in the castle…

Akito must have reached someone, then.

I’m glad.

“Hey, he’s up!”

Ena’s cry sparked a flurry of movement. Toya barely had time to say anything before his friends gathered around him, worry and fear on each and every face. “Are you alright? Are you in any kind of pain?” the princess asked him, golden eyes twitching like she’d been hit over the head a few times. “Say something, idiot!”

“I’m alright,” Toya reassured her. “I’m just a little sore.”

“Then WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!”

An’s shriek reverberated around the room, causing everyone to wince, but she wasn’t finished yet. “Don’t try and pass this off as accidental this time! You snuck out of your room and deliberately jumped off the castle wall, and if that weird bird hadn’t woken me and my father up you would’ve died! What is wrong with you?!”

“An-chan,” Kohane hissed, giving her an uncharacteristically hard elbow to the side. “You can’t just yell like that. Aoyagi-kun just woke up.”

“I don’t care! We’ve all been wrecks since Akito died and–and–” It was a miracle An could even speak. “This–this idiot tried to kill himself, and–”

“Please calm down, Shiraishi,” Toya begged her, carefully sitting up. There was a pain in his spine that made it a little difficult, but he managed to endure it. “You need to breathe.”

Her voice vanished in an outraged squeal, but Kohane clapped a hand on her mouth and gently pushed her into a nearby chair. “Did you really do it on purpose this time, Aoyagi-kun?” she asked, eyes deep pools of sadness.

“...Yes. I’m sorry.”

Ena shook her head in disbelief, opening her mouth as though she wanted to say something but clearly changing her mind. 

Toya could only imagine what she’d say–he was sure quite a few people were frustrated with him for attempting to throw Akito’s sacrifice away, especially his sister. He was glad she stayed silent.

“I don’t even know what to say,” Captain Kimura muttered, sounding dazed. Beside him stood Harumichi, glaring resolutely out the window as if to avoid everyone else’s gaze. “Your Highness, we–even after all this–”

“Please wait,” Toya interrupted, unconsciously leaning forward. “I know I’ve caused you a great deal of worry, but there’s something I want to say.”

Ken sighed wearily. “What is it?”

“I spoke to Akito just now.”

This earned him a few incredulous stares (particularly from his father). “How hard…did you hit your head?” Ken asked very slowly.

“No, I mean it. I promise,” Toya replied hastily. “I think it was a dream.”

“I’ve heard stories of that happening,” Ena admitted. “But…Toya-kun, are you sure this isn’t just from jumping off the castle wall?”

“Hey, wait just a damn minute,” An said abruptly. “Father, the spell bird that led us to Toya–”

“–was orange,” Ken finished, staring at her as though the last piece had just clicked into place. “It didn’t have a letter, either, and if someone in town had sent it they probably would’ve stopped to try and care for Toya first. You don’t really think–”

“–Akito-kun was protecting Aoyagi-kun somehow?”

Kohane glanced back at him as she said this. Toya nodded.

“Stupid idiot,” An muttered, sniffling a little. “That’s just like him.”

An odd sort of quiet fell over the room, somehow respectful and longing at the same time. Not even Harumichi broke it.

…I miss him again already.

I’m glad I was able to properly speak to him this time.

My heart hurts a little less today.

And indeed it did. True, that one last conversation had only served to remind Toya of what he could no longer have all over again, but above all he’d been able to properly tell Akito how he felt. In an odd way it felt like getting closure at last.

Maybe I can live as he wants now without hesitating. 

“So…what kind of things did Akito say?”

This question came from Ena, who was studying her nails as though she was trying to appear casual. It looked more like her gaze was boring holes into them, though. “Did he have any messages for us?” she asked. “Or…anything, really?”

…Last time he didn’t even say goodbye.

I’m sure Akito was regretting that, too.

“He did,” Toya said at last, grateful she seemed to believe him. “He told me to tell everyone he was sorry, and that he said goodbye.”

There was a beat of silence, then An sighed. “Geez. A little late, don’t you think?”

Kohane let out a weak chuckle. “I’m glad he made sure to tell us this time.”

“He really wa…is such an idiot,” Ena muttered, her voice catching over the past tense. “I can’t believe he just…”

She shook her head. “I need to–to go let my parents know Toya-kun’s healed, then lie down. I need to think.”

The princess didn’t give anyone time to argue, just tiredly pushed past Ken and closed the door. No one stopped her.

“Your Highness, you know you can’t just pretend nothing happened,” Captain Kimura said quietly. 

“...I’m sorry. I don’t intend to.”

Toya’s body ached with the reminder of what he’d done just a few hours (hours? The night before? It was hard to tell) ago, and he had a feeling it would be hurting for a good few days. 

He had no doubt he’d caused everyone a great deal of fright, too–and the fact that it was intentional this time was sure to have hurt his friends in just the same way Akito’s death had hurt them first. 

I told myself it was just because I couldn’t live without Akito…

I suppose it was true.

It was Akito I was able to open up to–and the one who seemed to understand me best. 

Is this what Akito meant when he said he didn’t want to tie us down?

He’d understood his partner’s true feelings far too late. 

“I’m sure you had your reasons,” Ken continued, setting a hand down on his shoulder. “But you understand we can’t let this happen again.”

“I do,” Toya promised. “I’m truly sorry for the pain I caused everyone. I mean it.”

“But…why?” An asked helplessly, shaking her head. “You and Akito both–we keep trying to understand, but I don’t get it at all!”

“Toya-kun, please tell us what’s wrong next time,” Kohane whispered. “I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

Toya reached across the bed to take their hands, trying for a smile. It wasn’t any easier than it had been before, but he did his best to make it stick. “I know. I’ll do my best.”

“We’ll be delaying our return to Salix for a few more days while you recover from this,” his father said gruffly. “I’ve been informed it’s not your first injury in the past month.”

“Ah…no, it’s not.”

“You already had the slightest limp from straining your leg, and I bet it’ll be worse after this,” Captain Kimura groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose as though to ward off an oncoming headache. “Not to mention you’ve now broken part of your spine twice now. No more deadly falls, Your Highness, or you’re looking at a wheelchair for the rest of your life.”

“Understood, sir.”

“So. Lots of bed rest,” Ken ordered, getting to his feet. “Of course, we’ll be keeping a close eye on you for the foreseeable future.”

“I suppose I deserve it,” Toya said reluctantly. 

“You do,” the older man said firmly (but not unkindly). “Just…if you can, try to remember what Akito fought so hard to protect. Got it?”

He nodded, trying to ignore the stinging in his eyes. “I will.”

…How odd.

Even if I’ve decided to listen to Akito and live, I still hate the gift he’s left me.

Will I ever come to love it?

Unfortunately, Toya had a sinking feeling he never would–after all, who would want a gift stained with their partner’s blood?

I wish you hadn’t done what you did. 

I wish you were here.

I miss you, Akito.

The next week wasn’t quite as heavy as before, at least.

Toya did as instructed and stayed in the medical wing for at least another two days, uncomfortably aware of the soldiers constantly standing guard outside it in case he tried to leave without permission. However, the ache in his limbs began to fade soon enough, and with An and Kohane (and every so often Ena, when she wasn’t busy) constantly visiting him it was hard to feel too sad.

It felt like something had changed. They’d avoided the topic of Akito as much as possible before–it was a topic that couldn’t be touched without causing them each immense pain, after all–but now all they could talk about was him. Toya (quite shamelessly) told them all the secrets he’d shared with him, and by the end of the first day they’d all agreed to learn how to make pancakes together once they were settled down again.

After that they talked about what he’d said about their futures, and what Akito’s future might’ve been had things been different, and whether or not Akito would’ve ever properly healed–it hurt to discuss such what-ifs when they knew their friend would’ve loved nothing more than to sit beside them, but they forced themselves to keep at it.

Before they left Toya made time to meet with Akito’s parents again, apologizing for being unable to finish his story before. The two had only waved it off, tiredly dismissing his apology and reassuring him he was completely fine (politely saying nothing about his suicide attempt barely a few days prior, which he appreciated. He was getting tired of thinking about it).

“Ena told us…that you saw Akito in some kind of dream,” Kaori had whispered. “Is that true?”

“Yes,” Toya had answered without hesitation. “I’m sure everyone thinks I may have hallucinated the whole experience–” (he had been dying at the time, after all) “–but I’m completely positive I talked to him. There’s no way it could’ve been a dream.”

“What did he say?” Shin'ei asked awkwardly. “Did…he have any kind of message for us?”

…I wonder what they expect to hear.

Do they think Akito had nothing but sharp things to say?

Toya was well aware of the Shinonomes’ failings when it came to their children, but he also knew Akito hadn’t held that much resentment in his heart towards his parents. Goddess, all he’d asked Toya for was to send an apology to them for dying before having the chance to meet them again.

The faces of the people who might’ve been his in-laws were tired and anxious, though, and he knew that the guilt plaguing them had to be killing them. 

Akito wouldn’t want them to suffer like this.

“Akito told me to tell you that he was sorry for not being able to meet you,” he answered. “That’s all.”

The two swapped slightly incredulous glances. “Really?” Kaori asked hoarsely. “That’s all?”

“Yes. That’s all he told me to say.”

Toya hesitated a moment before continuing. “I apologize in advance if this does you more harm than good, but…Akito was truly happy to remember you. He really wanted to reunite with you.”

Shin’ei stared at the ground, a few muted expressions battling for control on his face.

Eventually he bowed his head and turned away, Kaori trailing behind him after offering him a faintly grateful smile. Toya dearly hoped he’d been able to ease some of their guilt.

With that taken care of he’d finally left the castle behind and climbed into the cart with An, Kohane, Tsukasa and Ken, sadly thinking that there was just enough space beside him for Akito. The thought came and went without some of the pain that usually accompanied it, and he wondered halfheartedly if he was healing yet.

The ride back was quiet and more than a little subdued. Toya couldn’t take his eyes off the forest around them, remembering exactly how it felt to travel through it with Akito by his side.

Back then it had felt like anything was possible. He sorely missed that feeling now.

…I want to see him. 

I don’t want to wait.

But I have no choice.

Toya stared at the little dandelions popping up between the well-worn tracks in the path, unable to get Akito out of his mind.

Akito told me to live, and not to see him again until my life was over for good.

In reality I could end it whenever I wanted…

But that’s not what everyone else wants. Akito would never stand for it either.

It wasn’t fair in the slightest, but Toya couldn’t reject the gift his partner had left him. Really, it was much too precious a gift.

I don’t want to waste Akito’s sacrifice. 

It’s not fair at all. I want him more than anything.

It’s all I have of him now, though.

As they rode Toya’s eyes swept over the scenery–

–abruptly locking onto a familiar ruin. 

“Stop.”

He hadn’t even realized he’d spoken until Captain Mashiro quickly tugged back on the reins of his horse, stopping the line of carts. “Your Highness?”

“What are you up to now?” his father asked wearily as Toya hastily clambered over the side of the wagon, dropping into the dirt and running into the clearing again. “We can’t afford to indulge in random stops, Toya.”

“Just give me a moment,” he called as he stepped carefully around the new patches of grass that had sprung up in their absence.

…It was snowing when I was last here.

And it was here when Akito first really let me inside of his heart.

The memory was sharp and agonizing all over again, but he took a shaky breath and let it simmer down again. Stay calm. 

I can’t lose control here.

Toya walked across the ruined clearing to the little headstone, crouching down in front of it once he’d reached it. I wish I had some incense.

I suppose it doesn’t matter.

“Hello,” he said softly. “I don’t suppose we’ve ever met. I’m Toya.

“I want to apologize. I dearly wanted to protect Akito for you, but I…I lost him despite how hard I tried.” Toya bit his lip to keep from crying, determined to keep the flood of emotions inside of him back a little longer. “He was able to at least reunite with his sister before the end, and I think he got justice for you at last, too. It doesn’t seem like it was enough, but…I think he was happy, just for a little bit.”

He gently rubbed his sleeve over the headstone, remembering how fondly Akito had set it down. “Thank you for watching over him for so long. It’s because of you that I was able to meet Akito.”

When he found he had nothing else to say Toya stood up again at last, quietly making his way back to the cart.

An and Kohane scooted closer to him as he sat down, their wordless affection filling a little bit of the chasm of his heart. 

…One day.

I swear I’ll be by your side again one day.

We’ll talk the hours away together in that little garden, where no one can hurt us ever again.

Please wait just a little longer for me, Akito.