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Dean could feel her heart beating in her chest, sweat attempting to pour it's way down her forehead and drip down onto the wooden ground of the bunker as her fists laid clamped against the wall in front of her.
Cause for some reason, a reason she herself could not understand, John, dad, was back and he had never seen her like this.
A trans woman.
She was still hiding in her room as she knew John was with Sam, catching up with his youngest child, his son and yet he had no idea it was his only son.
There was a soft knock at the door as Dean's head snapped up, looking at the source of the noise as she slowly grunted out her words.
"What is it?" She asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
"Dean, are you alright? John is asking about you." The sound of Cas' voice brought instant relief to Dean but his words did not. Dean sighed and moved to the edge of her bed as the door gently clicked open, allowing Cas to push it open and enter the room.
He scanned across the room until his soft eyes landed on Dean, moving closer to her as he placed his angelic hand on her shoulder.
"Dean, is everything alright?" He asked once more but Dean just sighed.
"I- I don't know if I'll ever be alright." She let out, her voice somewhat chuckling but there was no happiness in her voice. "I mean, I can't see him, Cas. Not like this."
Cas tilted his head.
"I don't understand I thought you had started transitioning when John was still alive." Dean let out a soft chuckle.
"Sure, but being alive doesn't mean being around, Cas, I just- I know how this will go down." Cas' hand was still softly touching her shoulder as his eyes looked lowly onto the ground.
"How do you really know if you don't try?" Dean thought about this for a moment, unable to speak as her eyes followed the natural flow of the wooden ground. Cas' just sighed, softly patting Dean before moving back towards the door. "I'm not going to force you, Dean, but this might be your only chance to tell him."
The bedroom door closed silently and Dean was left in her bedroom, falling down onto her mattress as she stared up to the ceiling.
She thought about her family, Sam, Mary, Cas, Jack. She thought about all of them meeting John, she thought about the look on her father's face when he saw his wife was alive. That all he put Dean and Sam through was pointless, the tormented childhood she remembered and never wanted back.
But she thought about herself, 7 years old and knowing she was different from the others, 12 years old and knowing that being a hunter wasn't the only secret she held. Being 17 during the case with the nuns… She shuddered at the memory.
But all this time she had survived, she had dug herself out of hell and she was still here.
Seeing John wasn't going to change that.
Getting up from her bed, she marched to her bedroom door and swung it open, moving around the hallways until she found her way to the bunker's kitchen. She wasn't exactly sure what she was planning on doing or saying but she knew she had to be strong, like she always has been.
Sam and John were sitting around the kitchen table, talking to each other in awkward one word sentences. With the sound of Dean's boots against the floor, Sam's eyes peered up while John slowly turned around, obviously confused at the sight in front of him.
His eyes went wide for a second at Dean's face before he shook it off and his lips formed a word, a name.
"Dean?"
It was like ice had been thrown onto her back, the sound of her father's grumbling voice taking her back to her childhood when she was just a little boy. Still she tried to keep her head up high and stare back at him.
"Hi dad."
Sam looked frightened at the scene in front of him but Dean nodded away his fears. Slowly, she moved where Sam was sitting, planting herself right next to him as John stood watching her every move from the other side of the table.
There was an awkward moment of silence before John spoke.
"Dean, you're-" He couldn't finish, looking down at his hands. "I don't believe this."
Dean crossed her arms.
"Yeah well it's real and has been for a long time."
John shook his head, a soft chuckle escaping.
"No, it's not that, it's just. You look so much like your mother. If only Mary could see her little girl."
Dean and Sam exchanged a look before Sam let out a cough.
"Well Dad, you see about Mom-" Sam couldn't even continue to explain away John's confused expression as a voice ripped through the bunker.
"Sam? Dean? I'm back!"
Tears welled up in John's eyes as his voice broke.
"Mary?"
And as he turned, there she stood.
His wife, the one he longed for since he lost her.
Mary.
Mary's own eyes were wild with surprise but also pure joy as tears attacked her face and she threw herself forward, gripping onto her lost husband as the two of them embraced, two reunited after losing one another at different times.
As soon as they calmed down, John was able to understand what time he was in and where he was.
"So you all live here?" They nodded, John pointing his finger around. "With an angel and his kid?"
"Our kid." Dean quickly jumped in to correct before she looked away. John stared at her with wide eyes before slowly nodding.
"Right." Silence returned as the hunting family all looked down at themselves and the table in front of them. John patted his thighs to break up the quiet moment. "Well at least we have a grandkid, am I right?" He was nudging Mary who just nodded, giving a soft smile to Dean who still found herself unable to look back up at her father.
The silence returned, longer this time and feeling never-ending. For a while, it was a quiet moment for the family. It was too much for Dean as she suddenly stood up, keeping her head down.
"I need to go." She told them, refusing to talk to any of them as she strode her way out of the room and towards the many hallways of the bunker.
She found the library as she sat down on one of the steps entering the area, head in her hands as she stared down at the ground. She felt tears but didn't know why. She's strong, this shouldn't effect her so much she's sure of it.
As she sat there, she saw the shadow of someone behind her. At first she thought it was Cas, slowly turning and expecting to see her angel but instead her eyes went wide at the sight of her dad looking down at her.
"Dad." She softly said.
John smiled.
"Hey Dean, mind if I sit?" Dean didn't answer so John just sat down next to her, letting out a soft grunt as his knees clicked to get down to the steps. He let out a chuckle. "My joints ain't like they used to be." He joked but Dean didn't answer. John sighed, looking down at the ground before he began to spoke. "You know when Mary was pregnant with you, we thought you were a girl? You kept crossing your legs during scans, it was so difficult to know, took until birth to actually know. But despite that, we were always going to call you Dean."
Dean slowly looked up to meet her father's face.
"You were?"
John nodded.
"You were always Dean in our eyes and I guess you still are, even if I don't fully understand why."
Dean wiped the few tears that had formed in her eyes, letting out a whispering chuckle.
"Thanks dad, I think."
John nodded, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"Now, are you going to take me to my grandkid now?"
Dean chuckled, rolling her eyes as she stood up from the floor, reaching her hand out for John to take.
"C'mon then, It'll be good for Jack to meet his grandfather."