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After the fire, the suffering, and the shadows, it was the silence that woke Mamoru. This silence, almost soothing, echoing through the walls that gave a sense of softness. Above all, he was alone. He struggled to get up, noting the softness of the bed he was in and realizing he was completely naked. Where were his clothes? There were scars and barely healed wounds on his body—he would forget them, later, little by little, but at that moment the memories were still very vivid. Finding no trace of his clothes, he improvised a tunic out of one of the sheets instead. He was so ridiculous like this, Mamoru thought, glancing sideways at his reflection in what he assumed to be a mirror. But his outfit at least had the advantage of covering him, in case he ever came face to face with someone… and it also hid most of his wounds.
The door opened before him, and he stepped out. Everything was pale, despite a few splashes of color here and there, and the shapes bore no resemblance to anything he had seen in recent months. Everything was pleasing to the eye. It certainly wasn't Earth, and it didn't look like Gamilas… and everything seemed too real—including the pain—for him to be dead. Eiji was in the next room. He was sleeping—or at least, he was breathing. Mamoru looked around the room and at what must be medical equipment surrounding the bed. Was this a hospital? Then why was it so empty? No matter how hard he looked, he didn't see any of his other men, nor any staff or residents… except Starsha. She was the one who came to meet him.
"Forgive me," she said in her own language, which was followed a few seconds later by a Japanese translation. "I didn't know you were awake."
Mamoru stared at her, incredulous. She was a very beautiful woman… she almost looked like an Earthling.
"Where are we?"
"On Iscandar," came the immediate reply.
He looked around again at this unfamiliar setting… this woman who had entirely human features but was clearly neither Japanese nor… nor anything, and asked:
"And where is Iscandar?"
The woman nodded and invited him to sit down. It would take a while. He did as she asked, and she told him about Iscandar, Gamilas, and Earth, and about the message of hope that she, Starsha, had sent along with her sisters. She answered all his questions calmly and honestly, never once paying attention to his attire. She looked so solemn in her dress, and he felt all the more ridiculous in the uncomfortable position he had assumed in front of her, not daring to move for fear that she might look down at the wrong moment and see what she wasn't supposed to see.
"Do you think I'll ever be able to go home?" he asked her, when he thought she had finished.
She smiled, nodded, without answering. She stood up immediately and added:
"Meanwhile, you're at home here, Mamoru. You can go wherever you want… you'll be cared for and fed… the androids will obey you just as they obey me."
Her lip trembled slightly as she spoke those words, and he was about to ask her why she was so lonely when she concluded:
"And if you want, they can even find you some other clothes," she added with a small smile, all traces of sadness momentarily gone from her face.
He spent his first evening awake having dinner with Starsha, dressed like an Iscandarian.
It wasn't exactly what he'd planned, even given the utterly bizarre circumstances of being on a world billions of light-years from home and having no choice. He'd spent the day exploring the area and was eager to keep going. She had even told him he could just stay in his room and he would have a meal from those strange robots, but she had seemed so lonely to him once again… and he, for his part… that he had felt compelled to join her. She seemed surprised to see him, and he grimaced.
"I had a little trouble making myself understood," he admitted.
At least the dress fit him—and so it couldn't belong to Starsha. The fabric he felt under his fingers wasn't that stretchy. She laughed when she realized the misunderstanding. She looked so happy, for a moment, that Mamoru hesitated to ask her again.
"My sisters have both left," she explained, beating him to it. "That's why we're alone… well, unless your friend wakes up," she added hopefully.
Mamoru nodded, not daring to press the issue. Her sisters, okay… but what about the others? The people needed on a planet? Because unless Starsha chose to live alone within four walls, that still meant that… that they had all left, one way or another.
"Are we… really alone?"
"Yes."
"Is it because of the Gamilas?"
"No."
It was the first time Starsha had ever shown anger. She had her own unique way of doing it; she never seemed angry, she just didn't want him to talk about Gamilas. Yet she did, sometimes… but he sensed that she was deliberately avoiding certain topics, and without further information, he was quite unable to say which ones.
Starsha gave him more answers the day Eiji died. Only a week had passed, and his second-in-command's condition had only worsened, despite Starsha's efforts. He never woke up, and that morning, when Mamoru woke up, Eiji was dead. The city outside was exactly as Mamoru had expected: beautiful, mostly beige and white, with complex geometric shapes he'd never seen on Earth… and above all, desperately empty. From time to time, birds would fly overhead or a distant sound would echo all the way here, but Starsha swore it was just animals. There was no human noise… no noise pollution. Nothing but the wind. Mamoru understood why Starsha didn't go out more often. What should have been soothing was, in the end, just horribly sad. They buried Eiji in a cemetery and put a plaque with his name on the artificial crystal that served as his headstone.
"What did he die of?" he asked Starsha.
The woman lowered her eyes.
"It's a disease Gamilas knows well… and Iscandar too. We can prevent it… but no one has ever managed to cure it."
She looked up.
"Do you ever feel unwell? Chest pains, nausea, trouble breathing?"
Mamoru didn't answer. He struggled to remember what he'd been through as a prisoner… and if he'd felt unwell at times, he'd chalked it up to stress, the unfamiliar atmosphere, and the food he'd been swallowing for a week without thinking, just trusting her. Starsha nodded calmly.
"So, you're infected, too. They must have thought that natives from another system might provide the solution…"
She took a few steps back, and he followed her, horrified.
"So, am I going to die?"
"I don't know," she said calmly, turning back to him.
She stared at him with her beautiful golden eyes and added:
"I don't know if it's possible to cure you, Mamoru. But I'm going to try."
It wouldn't be possible, apparently, as Mamoru learned a week or two later. Whatever was actually in his blood, it closely resembled the symptoms of radiation exposure. His body was fighting as best it could, and he might remain in this relatively healthy state for a very long time… just as he might die the very next day. And Starsha had no more idea how to cure him. At best, she could promise him that his agony, when the day came, would not cause him pain.
"Great," Mamoru said in a somber tone.
Starsha lingered on a detail on the wall, three or four meters away.
"I'm sorry."
She seemed so sincere… but in a way, that made it even worse. She would do anything to make him feel better, but that also admitted her helplessness in this situation and he didn't want any of it. He didn't want this life! This very life that was slowly and surely unraveling and would eventually be torn from him while he was so far away from everyone he loved… far from Kaoru… from Sanada… from Susumu. He had been ready to die, but… but not like this. He had been here for three weeks, and this was the first time he had cried. Starsha came over to him and held him in her arms, saying nothing as she wiped away his tears. She understood, it seemed, and suddenly, his absurd anger vanished. He hugged her back. It wasn't her fault, after all.
He talked about them a lot after that. As if he alone could fill the heavy silence. Starsha listened to him happily, laughing when he told a funny story and placing her hand on his when his words turned a bit sad. A certain intimacy naturally developed between them. It wasn't really romantic, Mamoru would have said if he'd had anyone else to confide in. But Starsha was there, and there was no one else… He didn't desire her, but he liked running his hand through her long, soft hair and stroking her back. He could feel her warmth against him and hear her laugh when he touched her. He did not ask for more.
Several days passed in this gentle monotony, despite the sword of Damocles hanging over his head. Mamoru quickly realized he'd completely lost track of time, but Starsha seemed to know.
"The days here are longer than they are on Terron," she informed him. "Don't be surprised if you feel disoriented."
Ah. She must have found out somehow; he didn't know how. In any case, it was good to know.
"Do you like being here?" she asked him suddenly, two or three days later.
"Why do you ask?"
Since she didn't answer, he pressed her.
"Why now?"
Starsha shrugged.
"I just realized I hadn't asked."
Mamoru took a moment to think about it, his gaze fixed on the landscape below. The city was magnificent. Cold, but magnificent.
"It's a beautiful place," he admitted.
"That's not what I asked," Starsha retorted.
"What about you?" Mamoru asked her in return.
The woman looked surprised, as if it were the very first time she had asked herself that question. She looked all the way down, just as Mamoru had done.
"Yes," she finally replied, though she wasn't looking at him.
"If it were possible," Starsha asked him one day out of the blue, "would you agree to have a child with me?"
Caught completely off guard, Mamoru struggled to find an appropriate answer.
"You mean you…?"
But she laughed.
"No. I need to know, first of all."
"Do you think it would be possible?"
"Our DNA is the same, Mamoru."
He took a moment to consider the possibility. He had no idea how it was possible, but he had no reason to doubt Starsha's word. It couldn't be any stranger than everything else.
"But… isn't there a risk he'll be sick?"
"You're healthy, for now," Starsha corrected him. "Not all your cells will be affected."
"And if… if he's born? And I leave again? …or die? What's the point if you end up alone with him?"
"I don't know," Starsha admitted, looking at him. "But I know I'd have a daughter. Everyone in my family gives birth to girls."
"Okay," Mamoru said, as if that made more sense.
He ran his hand along her bare back again, brushing her spine, and Starsha shivered. He leaned toward her once more.
Eiji's grave was just a few minutes' walk away. Mamoru often went there, whenever he thought of it, and sometimes when he simply didn't know what else to do. It wasn't the same as talking to a friend… but it was still better than wandering aimlessly through the deserted city with nowhere to go.
"Have you heard any news from Earth?" he asked Starsha as he came in.
Starsha nodded, giving him her usual gentle, wistful smile.
"I know what Gamilas knows… But they're coming, Mamoru."
She intertwined her fingers with his, adding:
"Have hope."
"Do you know how long I've been here?" he asked her, joining her once again in what had become their bed.
"Three months, Mamoru."
"How long were you here alone, without your sisters, before I arrived?"
"I don't know."
"Was it a long time?"
"Sometimes."
"How did you manage to stay sane? You have everything you want, you do what you want, when you want, and yet you have no one…"
"I got used to it. And I have you, now. That's all that matters."
"…And when I leave?"
"You'll be with your family and you friends and it's enough for me. And they'll have brought my sisters back to me. I'll have my daughter and maybe some nieces. My family will be with me no matter what."
"And… do you really think that…"
"-I don't know yet, Mamoru. But I hope so."
"Starsha… Do you know how long…?"
"Five months. They'll come, don't worry. They're on their way. The whole world knows it, or so it seems to me. I just have to prick up my ears and listen."
"Do you ever worry that they might not make it? I mean… In the end, that would mean I'd stay with you… and with our daughter, since you're so convinced it'll be a daughter… I think about it more and more, and I'm not sure if it would be a dream or a nightmare… (…) You have the right not to answer me, to think I'm crazy if you want to, but don't look at me with those eyes, because it's the truth. I'd be happy, of course. I'd have you… and we'd have her, with her laughter and her cries to fill this damn silence… but I think I'd still miss Earth. I'd still miss them."
"... Are you angry?"
"..."
"No, I'm not."
"What's the point to be angry since you won't stay? No matter what happens. They'd fail… and you'd go crazy here. Nothing would hold you back; you know that very well… don't you?"
"... Nothing I think about this place concerns you, Starsha. I would have loved to live with you… under different circumstances, perhaps."
"What circumstances, Mamoru? What kind of life would have suited you? You've seen the universe now, and you've always longed for the stars… Would you have returned to Earth after all that? Be honest… You might be right, after all. Maybe… maybe we could never have been a family."
"I'm sorry."
"It's a little late to be sorry, you know…"
"Why? Is there something you want to tell me?"
"I… Yes. I'm pregnant. It's still so early… I didn't want to tell you yet—there could still be so many complications—but I… I really hope everything goes well."
"Mamoru, I… Are you okay?"
"Mamoru!"
When he woke up, his ears were ringing and he couldn't hear a thing. Starsha was with him. His lungs were on fire, and trying to breathe was never had been more difficult. Once he'd finished coughing, he managed to sit up, met her gaze, and understood. What he'd feared had happened.
As soon as he was able to sit up, an almost unhealthy curiosity drove him to find out as much as he could from the computers he had access to, which contained a translation—however poor it might be. He feared the slightest change just as much as he feared not knowing. His lungs were the worst affected, and his body was fighting, but at this rate, other organs would soon be affected… unless, of course, he died of suffocation first. He turned off the device, feeling more than just gloomy.
"Your eye," Starsha remarked suddenly.
She brushed his hair aside to get a better look, but he flinched at the simple gesture.
"It's something else," he grumbled.
He'd hit a piece of furniture when he fell, and ever since, his right eye had been blurry. It was nothing—it would come back. And if it didn't, well, too bad.
"I can get it fixed," Starsha insisted.
"Oh, for the time I have left to live, I don't think it makes much difference."
A few weeks. Five or six, if he was lucky, but Mamoru doubted it. He was going to die here, far from everything he'd ever known, in anonymity and without ever seeing his loved ones again. The woman looked down, and he suddenly felt sick.
"I… I'm sorry", he whispered. "I just need to be alone for a few hours, you understand?"
She nodded with a smile and left him. He returned to Starsha that evening, feeling calmer.
He was sitting cross-legged on the floor, at eye level with the "camera" that was recording, after putting on what remained of his old uniform once it had been cleaned and patched up. His boots had disappeared somewhere, and he had given up on the idea of finding his cap or belt long ago. Starsha stood behind him, showing her support without stepping into his space. He checked his reflection one last time. His opaque eye was barely visible, and with a little luck, those watching him wouldn't pay too much attention to the length of his hair or how well he'd shaved.
"I…" he began, uncertain.
He smiled and continued, introducing himself simply. His name was Mamoru Kodai, and he was the captain of the Yukikaze, a Space Navy destroyer; he had been captured by the Gamilas and rescued by a woman from Iscandar.
"And she told me that a ship from Earth was heading here. If you're hearing this message, you must have made it. I wish I could return to Earth with you, aboard your ship. But it appears I will not last that long. Before I die, there are two things I wish to say. The first is that we can come to an understanding with the aliens. Since I arrived, I have learned that…"
He couldn't help but glance at Starsha. They hadn't had a chance to talk about it since, but he had perfectly understood her last words before he fainted. He would never see him, he knew that, but still… Even if it was currently just a handful of cells, it would be a child. His child.
"I hope you will not forget it."
He sat up straight.
"And second, I want to tell my brother, Susumu…"
Live, he would have liked to say, with a tenderness very similar to the one he already felt for his son or daughter, but he could have spoken for hours without covering everything. So he delivered his message in a few sentences—certainly very poetic ones—that he wouldn't remember exactly afterward, even though all that mattered was that Susumu understood the message. Mamoru had no idea if his brother would be on that famous ship or if he would only hear it on Earth, but he was certain the recording would reach him.
"May you return safely to Earth!" he concluded with a military salute.
With a single gesture, Starsha stopped the recording.
"Are you satisfied?" she asked gently, helping him to his feet.
Mamoru seemed to take a few seconds to think it over.
"Yes," he murmured, smiling at her. "I think so."
He took advantage of their closeness to embrace her, placing a hand on the small of her back.
"What if we made a video for her, too?"
Starsha's eyes lit up.
"Will you know what to say?"
"No," he smiled. "But I'll figure it out."
He didn't always immediately realize how much his health was failing. His breath was short and that pain lingered beneath his ribs, so what? He'd gotten used to it. Other discomforts appeared from time to time, as if out of nowhere, but nothing he couldn't endure.
"I promised you you wouldn't suffer," Starsha reminded him on this occasion, when she saw the pain in his posture.
"I want to keep my mind clear," he protested, more of a groan than anything else.
She paused in her movement, her hand outstretched toward him but not daring to touch him.
"There might be another solution," she added abruptly, as if the idea had only just crossed her mind.
"What is it?"
"That your mind… your memory, once copied, remains here."
And she began to speak of the Cosmo Reverse System in terms he barely understood. Mamoru frowned. She had told him about the device, of course, but never about… that feature.
"What do you mean?"
"That you could stay alive. If you wish," she added after a few seconds.
Alive, Mamoru repeated to himself, even more puzzled. His memory in a machine?
"Is that necessary?" he asked in a whisper.
"No," she said, though Mamoru couldn't be sure she was being sincere. There will be other solutions… but I think this is the best one.
He hesitated for only a few seconds, but they seemed so long.
"It's okay," he told her, clasping her fingers between his own.
She smiled at him, as happy as she was worried.
He didn't know exactly how it would happen. Just that the end was approaching. Starsha didn't seem worried anymore. When he'd started having serious trouble getting up on his own, she'd suggested he stay in bed as much as possible and rest, and had been stopping by several times a day ever since. He didn't dare ask her anything about it, preferring to try to appear happy. His thoughts went round and round in circles, and sometimes he wondered if he had gone mad or if it was the pills making him hallucinate.
"Maybe he'll be there…" he murmured. "Maybe the boarding took place somewhere in Asia and he managed to get on board… That he'll be there and see where I've been living all this time…"
"Who are you talking about?"
"Susumu…" Mamoru replied with a weary laugh.
Starsha ran a hand through his hair, without saying a word.
"It's been six months since you've been here," Starsha told him.
Six months. Mamoru smiled faintly. It had felt like an eternity. Still, it was far too soon to see the Earth ship arrive. To know if they had succeeded.
"I'm sorry," she said, taking his hand and placing it on her belly.
Her pregnancy was still in its early stages, but she was closely monitoring the fetus's development, and its cells were healthy.
"I wish I could have done more."
He smiled again. The sharp pain behind his eyes was bearable, and he could barely feel the discomfort in his lungs anymore. He felt almost fine, lying there. He noticed then that she was holding an opaque glass. What was it? A new medication?
"I hear you writhing in pain at night," she explained. "You don't sleep anymore, you don't eat… Mamoru, there's no point in pushing yourself so hard."
There was something edifying behind that gentleness.
"This…" he mumbled, awkwardly pointing at the glass.
She lowered her eyes.
"It'll be quick. You'll fall asleep, and that'll be it."
He could have protested, but what was the point? He sat up halfway to take the glass, but Starsha blocked his hand.
"Not now…"
"And why not?" Mamoru retorted. "Do I suddenly have an hope of recovery?"
Now that he was standing, his migraine was pounding even harder behind his right eye. As for the vague feeling of nausea in the back of his throat, he wasn't even paying attention to it anymore, drowned out by the wheezing of his breath, every breath of which he could feel. He was in pain. And he wasn't going to get any better. Never. She had just confirmed it. So why delay the inevitable when it was his idea in the first place?
"I don't want us to part like this," she whispered.
He was the one who was going to die, and she was the one crying.
"I love you," she finally declared. "I truly love you. Maybe not the way you expect, but… still."
He looked at her with gentler eyes.
"I love you too," he replied. "Both of you."
Then, still under Starsha's watchful gaze and closely observing her reaction, he took the glass from her hands and raised it to his lips. The liquid had a strong taste, but it was nowhere near as awful as he'd expected: before he knew it, he'd managed to take several sips, spilling only a thin trickle onto the mattress. He set the cup, still quite full, back on the nightstand and wiped his chin with his sleeve. And now? he considered asking. What to do with these few minutes of uncertainty? Thank her for what she'd done? For him? For Earthlings in general? He'd already done that so many times. He and Starsha remained in silence, watching each other, silent messages about everything they'd shared passing between them until Mamoru realized that fatigue was overtaking him. The pain was already fading behind his eyes. Starsha helped him lie back down, even though he wouldn't have needed it, and stayed close to him, her fingers in his hair.
"Will you take care of yourself?" he asked her, very softly. "And of her?"
She nodded. Tears clung to her lashes, but she seemed to have no more tears left. She spoke a few words he didn't catch as his eyes closed against his will. So Starsha had kept her promise to the very end. He simply fell asleep…
and when he woke up, it was as if he hadn't quite emerged from the dream.
Starsha remained alone for a few moments, gazing at Mamoru's body after realizing he was no longer breathing. Yet he was gone… but she felt the need to steal one more moment in his company… to look at his features one last time before his body joined the others. Finally, when her curiosity became too strong and she decided that this moment had lasted long enough, she left the room. She had to know at all costs whether the Reverse System had worked. And then… maybe she could finally keep him close to her. She went out, returning to the device, and when she was close enough, she began to smile. It glowed with a soft blue light, visible even in broad daylight, which it hadn't had that very morning.
It had worked, she told herself jubilantly, and she went to sit near the blue sphere.
He was there.