Chapter Text
Oscar feels stupid. So stupid.
Sitting in a dark club, illuminated only by numerous colourful LED lights, he catches sight of Lando dancing with a gorgeous blonde girl in a short dress. They're pressed up against each other and Oscar feels so stupid as he sees him lean down to whisper something in her ear and bite her earlobe.
Oscar knows how this is gonna go- it always goes like this. Yet, he can't help the way his heart clenches as he watches Lando and the girl leave the club and Oscar behind. Oscar doesn't blame Lando though, he knows he's drunk and probably just forgot about Oscar. That's how it always seems to happen. Oscar doesn't know why he agreed to go out with Lando in the first place but as he racks his brain, he thinks it might've been because of the way Lando had looked at Oscar before they left their flat. The way he had looked at him when he saw Oscar's chosen outfit. The way he'd said "You look-", and paused as he eyed him again "good."
Lando seems to do that a lot. Compliment Oscar, even flirt with him sometimes, if he's lucky enough. Oscar forbids himself to read too much into it because he knows Lando, knows he's just like this, knows and has seen that Lando is flirty and friendly with almost everybody he meets. Oscar knows he doesn't have anything on most people Lando's friends with except maybe that he gets to have the privilege of sharing a flat with Lando.
As Oscar exits the club, he really hopes Lando hadn't decided to take the girl to their flat and instead went to her place. As Oscar calls his uber, he wishes he weren't going home alone. He wishes, foolishly, that Lando had just gone back home with him, wishes he were all Lando needed.
When Oscar opens up the door to their shared flat, he's atleast pleased to be greeted with silence. That means he wouldn't have to hear Lando having sex with somebody in the room right next to his tonight, which, for the record, he has had to go through already. The few times it has happened, it's made him feel weird. While it always made something in his chest hurt deeply, he did wonder what it would be like if he was the one Lando wanted. What it would be like if he was blonde with a perfect body, a pretty face, nice eyes and- a girl.
Oscar doesn't let himself dwell on that though and decides to just get through his nightly routine of brushing his teeth and washing his face before settling into bed in an old shirt his mum had bought him back in Australia. He really should call her again soon since it has been a while was his last thought before he drifted off to sleep.
The next morning is painfully normal. Oscar wakes up and goes to the kitchen to make himself a coffee. In the kitchen he finds Lando humming a tune and already having made coffee for them both. "Morning," Oscar mumbles and snatches himself a cup to pour himself some of the brew. "Morning, Osc," Lando replies and looks him over as Oscar downs his cup in record speed. "We're out of cereal," Lando says and looks at Oscar expectantly. "I'll go get some later, I have to run to the store anyways," Oscar lies, he really didn't need to go to the supermarket today when he already went yesterday.
"Thanks, Osc! You're the best!", Lando lights up and goes to give him a hug and inhales his scent deeply.
"I like this shirt," he notes.
"Yeah?"
"Mhm, smells really good"
"My mum got it for me"
"Looks good on you"
Oscar's glad Lando's face is tucked into his chest so he can't see the embarassing way his cheeks pinken and he smiles. Eventually Lando disentangles himself from his arms though and states "I'm gonna go take a shower, I've got practice at 12."
The next time Lando asks Oscar to go out with him, he politely declines. He's had enough of seeing Lando with other people for a lifetime. Even though Lando's puppy eyes and pouty statement of "You're no fun!", almost make him cave.
Oscar spends the evening without Lando missing the curly haired brunette. He watches some telly to try take his mind off him and not think of how Lando's probably making out with yet another girl. So he's surprised when Lando actually comes home early for once.
"Are you alright?", Oscar immediately asks the older boy. "Yeah m'fineee," Lando slurs. It's clear he's been drinking. "Missed you," Lando says and opens his arms to envelop Oscar in a hug. Oscar's noticed that Lando always gets clingy when he's drunk. He's just never been lucky enought to be on the receiving end of it. Huh, maybe he should stay home more often.
"Alright, let's get you to bed," Oscar chuckles and pats Lando on the back.
"Don't wanna, wanna stay here," Lando whines and clutches Oscar tighter. That makes Oscar shut up. Gosh, Lando is so adorable.
"Oscc."
"Lando?"
"You kno' I love you, right?"
Oscar's breath hitches, "y-yeah."
"And you kno' you're like.. my favorite person ever,"
Lando trails off.
Oscar heart skips a beat against his will.
"Osccc," Lando whines again.
"Y-yeah, you're my favorite person too, Lan," and it's scary how much Oscar means it.
"Good," the boy in his arms murmurs only to disentangle himself and stumble his way to his room before throwing a "'Night, Osc!" over his shoulder. Oscar's heart swells.
Fuck.
Oscar doesn't sleep much that night. Can't.
He lies awake staring at the blank white ceiling, replaying Lando's slurred words until they lose meaning- but had there even been a meaning behind his words?
You're my favorite person ever.
It shouldn't matter. It really shouldn't. Lando had been drunk and drunk Lando was affectionate and soft and clingy in a way sober Lando never was. Besides, Lando will have forgotten about it come morning, leaving Oscar to wonder, leaving Oscar to hope, to wish.
To wish Lando had meant it, to wish he'd ever mean it.
When he finally does end up snoozing off, it's to a restless sleep.
Over the course of the next few days, Oscar decides he needs some distance, probably has for quite some time now, nothing dramatic or obvious though. No, he just needs to get over his oathetic feelings for Lando, needs to forget who his heart is beating for.
So, he goes through with it. He does less. Less sitting pressed shoulder to shoulder on the sofa, less indulging every casual touch like it means something because it doesn't. At least not to Lando.
It takes about a week for Lando to notice that something's up with Oscar.
Oscar's in the kitchen sipping on his post workout shake when Lando enters the room and leans against the kitchen cabinets with crossed arms.
"Oscar."
Oscar doesn't look up from his phone when he replies.
"Yeah?"
"Are you mad at me?"
That makes Oscar pause and he lifts his head to meet Lando's eyes. Those gorgeous eyes- wait, stop, he can't think like that.
"What? Why would I be mad at you?"
"I dunno.. you're jus'- you're jus' being weird."
"I'm not being weird."
"Yes, you are! You feel so distant. I don't like it."
Oscar swallows.
"That's ridiculous, I've been acting the same as always."
"But you haven't! I dunno, 's hard to explain."
A pause. Then-
"Did I do something? To upset you?"
Lando starts fidgeting with his hands and pulling at his nails. Oscar wants to tell him to stop, it's a bad and anxious habit. He doesn't. Instead a soft smile manages its way onto Oscar's features.
"No, Lando, you've done nothing wrong. It's all good, yeah?"
He's partially telling the truth since Lando actually hasn't done anything wrong, he doesn't know about Oscar's feelings. So the hurt Oscar's been feeling is entirely on himself.
But Lando doesn't buy Oscar's fake smile.
"Osc, cut the crap, I know you've been avoiding me. I can tell. But what I can't tell is why?"
Oscar's voice is slightly shaky when he responds.
"Lan, I told you, you've done nothing wrong and I haven't been avoiding you. There's no reason for me to anyway."
"Bullshit! You pull away whenever I even slightly touch you, you don't go out with me anymore, you're always in your room. I barely even see you in our flat anymore even when you're home! Please, don't shut me out, Osc. We're best friends, you can tell me anything."
But that's just it, isn't it? Best friends. The boundary they'd never cross, no matter how much Oscar might want it, no matter how much he's dreamt of it. It didn't even really matter if Lando knew or not at this point. If Oscar did tell him, maybe Lando would understand. Would understand what Oscar's been going through. Would tell him that it's okay and even though he's not able to give Oscar what he truly wants, he'd still be able to support him and be with him. As a best friend.
Oscar really considers telling Lando the truth. About how it feels like a knife in his heart is getting twisted every time he sees Lando with a pretty girl, how he can't take Lando being so casually cruel in the way he's always kind and always goes out if his way to comfort Oscar. In the way his compliments always settle somewhere warm in Oscar's chest.
They're best friends. He's always been able to count on Lando. He knows he'd be sweet, even through this, would look at him pitifully but never judgmental. But Oscar feels so stupid for loving Lando. He feels invalid, even. His romantic feelings towards Lando don't really count for anything since he's not what Lando wants, what he likes. Lando would probably think so too. Maybe he'd even move out and be utterly disgusted, tell him he's not into fags like Oscar.
Oscar's being irrational. He knows Lando. Lando, who's always been nothing but perfect to him.
"I-" he starts. And Lando's looking at him
so softly, encouraging him to go on in theoat sweet way possible.
"I don't think you wanna know."
Oscar really hopes his voice comes out steady.
"Please Osc, I care about you."
And he sounds so sincere, it makes Oscar want to cry. But instead he steadies his breathing and hides his shaky hands behind his back. He feels sick.
"I like you.. more than I should, like.. more than a friend."
Oscar rushes out and catches Lando's eyes go wide.
Fuck, there's absolutely no way he'd just done that.
All that follows is awkward silence and Lando still looking completely flabbergasted. Oscar really thinks he might throw up now.
"Uhm.. I'm sorry. I know you're not like- uhh you know, like me and, and I know that, I do but I- fuck I really am. Sorry, that is."
"Osc, what does this mean?"
And Lando sounds so small, so hurt, it makes Oscar want to crawl into a hole and die.
"Fuck, I shouldn't have said anything, can we- can we forget about this? Please Lando, I'm so sorry, I never meant to- I didn't- Fuck, I'm so stupid."
Oscar rushes out. Lando's gone quiet again and he's looking at Oscar like he doesn't know what to say, like he's fighting with himself. And Oscar- he feels tears welling up in his eyes. He doesn't want Lando's pity. Fuck, he has to leave.
And so he does, mumbling another sorry when he brushes past Lando and, inevitably, out of the apartment door. He doesn't know when he'll be back, he just needs to get out of that godforsaken apartment, away from everything, but mostly away from Lando.