Archive of Our Own

Xaden walks up the steps to Violet's apartment building, a mango smoothie in one hand and an iced matcha in the other. Someone exiting the building holds the door open for him, and even though he grumbles inwardly about the safety of the building his girls live in, he's grateful since his hands are full. After taking the elevator up to her floor, he knocks with his elbow awkwardly and waits for Rhiannon or Violet to open the door.

A few moments go by and no one comes, so he tries again. He hears Josie crying and some shuffling or movement behind the door, but still nothing. He tries the knob, finds it open, and lets himself in.

The living room is scattered with toys, burp cloths, a few blankets. There's leftover food containers discarded on the table in front of the couch, the TV blaring Bear in the Big Blue House. The air smells a tad stale, and as he makes his way into the unit, he sees the kitchen island is cluttered with mail, dishes, grocery bags. There's remnants of something having been cooked for dinner on the stove, but it appears burned. And there are bottles everywhere. So many that Xaden wonders how Josie is eating, or where Violet is putting the milk she's pumping.

"Violet?" Xaden calls out as he scoots some trash out of the way on the island to make room for the drinks he brought. No one answers, not even Tairn's deep bark, so he tries again. "Vi? Rhiannon?" He makes his way across the room to Violet's door, following Josie's wails.

When he opens the door, he hears the shower running and spots Josie in the crib. She's about seven months old now, sitting up on her own recently. Her face is beet red, streaked with tears and she has a truly pathetic pout plastered on it. She spots him as he enters the room and wails louder, reaching for him. Xaden doesn't see Violet, or Rhiannon or Tairn for that matter, so he heads over and lifts her up, shushing her as best he can.

"Where's Momma, Sprout?" He asks as he cradles the back of her head, and heads into the en suite. Josie is hiccuping from her crying, clinging to his button up with a death grip. When he enters the bathroom, he notices that Tairn is lying on the tile near the shower stall and that the glass is fogged, but the shower door is open. "Vi?"

Rhiannon pokes her head out of the shower and Xaden jumps, starting to turn around to give her privacy. But then it registers to him that she poked her head out of the bottom of the door, and she is fully clothed, though soaking wet. He must have questions written all over his face, because she shoots him a pained look and holds out her finger to indicate he should wait one minute.

Xaden stands there, holding Josie close, but every fiber of him is screaming at him to go to the shower stall and find Violet. It's been about five days since he's seen her, having been swamped at work and the beginning stages of opening another location for Daggertail. She's been quiet all week in their text thread, but he knows how busy she gets with Josie every day. She's been trying to lock down a new job as well, and Xaden knows how stressful it's been for her to do that and care for Josie alone.

Hence the surprise smoothie he brought.

Rhiannon emerges from the shower stall and grabs a towel to wrap around herself before gesturing for them to move back into Violet's bedroom. Xaden doesn't make it far, turning around ready to question her.

"What's going on?" He asks in a low voice, shifting Josie in his arms.

Rhiannon looks tired and gives him another pained smile. "It's….a rough day. She's been horrible this week, and I got back from staying with Tara for a few days and heard Josie screaming. I found Violet staring at herself in the mirror, like she couldn't hear her." Xaden begins to move, passing Josie to Rhiannon, but his she stops him.

"Give her a minute, she's calmed down. But…let her come to you." Rhiannon says and passes Josie back to him. He bites the inside of his cheek but nods anyways, then tells her about the matcha he brought her. He takes Josie out to the living room and sets her on the couch, plopping down next to her. He wants to clean up, he wants to go check on Violet, do anything but sit here. But he knows Josie isn't calmed down enough to be left alone, so he just sits there and plays with her tiny ponytail while she watches the animal puppets on the screen in front of him.

Rhiannon emerges from her own room in dry clothes shortly after and joins him on the other side of the sectional, matcha in hand.

"I know it's killing you to sit here." Xaden doesn't say anything to that. He continues playing with Josie's hair to have something to do with his hands, the honey colored strands just reaching the base of her head, the tiny sprout-like ponytail he loves. Rhiannon is right though. It is killing him to sit here.

They've been together for as long as Josie has been alive, and it's been great. They promised to keep it slow, not even going on an official "date" until Josie was over three months old. Since then, he's bought a portable crib for his own apartment and if anyone came inside that didn't know the situation, they would assume Xaden had a child with how much baby shit is there. He and Violet go out to dinner at least once a week, always with Josie, and it's rare for them to spend the evening apart.

But there's obstacles most new couples don't have to face. Like Violet's insistence to not let anyone watch Josie for longer than two hours, and the only person allowed to watch her besides Xaden is Rhiannon. She won't let the baby sleep in Xaden's guest bedroom, afraid she will need one of them in the middle of the night and they won't hear her cry. Never mind that Xaden also has a baby monitor just like the one Violet has, or that Josie has been sleeping through the night for at least two months now.

They also haven't had sex.

Not that Xaden cares. He just wants to be with Violet, and he'd have blue balls forever if he got to love her the way he does. But she won't engage in anything intimate with Josie anywhere near, and since Josie is rarely out of her orbit, there's been no movement on that in a while. They've done some things, but mostly just touching. And as desperate as he is to get her to relax in his arms, to get her to himself and finally take her the way he wants to, he knows he'll let her dictate when and what they do.

"She's been…I don't know Xaden, it's been bad this week." Rhiannon says, bringing Xaden back to the present. He flicks his eyes over to Rhi and he sees the worry in her gaze.

"What happened?" He asks, even though he knows it probably wasn't one thing. Violet has been….off lately. Which is weird to say about someone you've known only in this version of themselves, but he has seen her become more protective of Josie, more unwilling to leave the apartment, or let Josie guide herself into new milestones. He's seen her smile less and her eyes dim rather than light up. But each time he has asked if she needs anything or if there's anything wrong, she puts on a smile and tells him everything is fine.

There's a clearing of someone's throat from behind the couch, in that exaggerated way you do when you are purposefully interrupting someone, making your presence known.

"If you're done talking about me like I'm not here, can I please have my daughter?" Violet says and her voice is dull, low. Nothing like the silky, light sound Xaden is used to. When he turns to look at her, he sees the dark circles under her eyes, notices that she looks a bit thinner than she did last week.

"Hey," Xaden starts but she reaches over the back of the couch and snatches Josie up, who immediately begins crying. Tairn's nails clack against the floor as he moves to sit near the island. He appears on alert, when usually at home he is relaxed.

"Vi—" Rhiannon tries, her voice quiet.

"Stop, Rhiannon. Don't you have packing to do? Or a job to go to? Money to spend?" Violet snaps and Xaden nearly stops breathing at the awful tone she's taking.

Josie continues to scream.

Rhiannon doesn't respond, just stands up and walks to her room. She doesn't seem angry, but defeated. "Xaden, let me know if you need anything," she tells him over her shoulder before shutting her door.

He turns and watches Violet bounce Josie while gritting her teeth. It's like he can see the tension rolling off of her, she's so tightly wound. "Violence."

"Don't."

"Violet…what's going on?" He pleads, moving off the couch to get closer to her. She steps away, rounding the kitchen island and attempting to clean bottles with one hand. "I'll do that, you take care of Josie," he begs in an attempt to help.

"Because that's all I'm good for, right?" She snaps and he recoils at the vitriol in her voice. Their eyes lock and hers go from narrow in anger to wide in fear and then she crumbles. She drops to the floor, her legs giving out underneath her and she sobs.

He meets her on the ground, pulling Josie into his chest and wrapping an arm around Violet. She shakes with the weight of her sadness, trying to tell him what's wrong but none of it coming out clear. He catches worthless, sorry, and horrible, and his chest constricts at the fear he feels for her.

He holds her for a long time, long after Tairn supports Violet's weight on the other side. Long after Josie has calmed down. Long after his own tears have stopped

🧡

Violet fell asleep against him right there on the kitchen floor. She cried for at least thirty minutes without a break and he knows she has to be dehydrated, but he lets her sleep. Rhiannon came out of her room when the crying stopped and took Josie from him, playing with her for a while. Xaden was able to bring Violet to bed without waking her and has spent the last four hours cleaning her apartment and cooking.

He learned that she's been telling Rhiannon how pathetic she's been feeling. How scared she is that she won't ever get a job. How she had an interview earlier this week but she couldn't get over her fear of finding someone to watch Josie, so she cancelled it. Rhiannon also told him that her and her girlfriend are moving in together and that since Tara owns a house in Decauter, Rhiannon is moving in there.

She told Violet the day after Xaden saw her last. Which means Violet has been spiraling for four days.

They talked about how they think Violet needs to see someone but how each time Rhi has brought it up, Violet has freaked out. They talk about how they know she isn't sleeping, how she wakes up with nightmares more often than she sleeps through the night. How Josie sleeps better than her mother at this point.

Xaden feels helpless. He's putting away the meals he cooked after placing a grocery order and listening to Josie bang her chubby fists on the high chair where he had given her mashed avocado. He wipes down the counter one more time, though he knows it doesn't need it. The entire apartment is back in order and sparkling clean, every bottle drying in the sanitizer. He goes over and sits next to Josie's high chair and feeds her a piece of avocado on his finger.

She looks up at him with her hazel-green eyes swimming with glee, mashing more avocados together in between her fingers. Xaden smiles and tries another piece, which Josie promptly spits out, in more of a raspberry fashion. He mimics her and relishes in the giggle she gives him before she shoves her fist in her mouth, gumming it clean. He sighs and runs his hands down his face, trying to figure out how to get through to Violet, to help her.

He doesn't find any answers by the time Josie begins to whine to get out. He cleans her up and places her down on her mat in the living room before going back to clean up her chair and dinner. He joins her on the floor, legs outstretched and propped up on his side, and shakes a few toys at her as she chews on blocks. Normally, this would be her bath time but he's never given her a bath alone before and he's hesitant to do something for the first time with Violet in the fragile state she's in.

He doesn't know what to say to her when she wakes up. He doesn't know how to help her, or how to get through to her, or who to call. He doesn't know anyone who's a mom well enough to ask.

"How long have I been asleep?" Violet asks and he startles slightly before turning to look at her. She's wearing the leggings and t-shirt she was when she came out of the shower earlier, but her hair is freshly braided. She looks…still tired, but a little less erratic. Josie makes a whining sound, but there's more happiness in it than when she's upset and Xaden watches Violet for her reaction.

She winces. He hates it.

"About four hours," Xaden tells her and he doesn't say more. Let her come to you, he reminds himself. Violet moves around the couch and sits down on the edge near him. She smiles slightly at her daughter but doesn't reach to pick her up.

"What are you still doing here?" Violet asks and Xaden forces his mouth to stay shut and his eyes to not narrow.

He thinks about what best to say, but comes up empty. "I don't want to be anywhere else," he tells her and he does mean it, despite the feeling creeping in that he's not wanted here.

"Look, Xaden…" Violet begins and he holds his breath. The tone she's giving him doesn't sound good. "I think…I think I need to be alone."

"I don't mind staying, I know you've had a rough week," he argues but stops when she rolls her eyes.

"No," Violet bites out, "Don't try to tell me you know how I'm feeling. I am fine. But I…I think we're…I don't want you here," she says firmly and lifts her chin in that stubborn way he usually loves.

He stares at her, this woman he has fallen head over heels in love with. This woman he has planned an entire life around, the mother of the little girl playing on the mat next to him that he thinks of as his own daughter.

She doesn't look like that woman at all.

"Vi…what's going on? Let me in, tell me what I can do to help—" he pleads with her again but she doesn't hear it.

"XADEN! GET OUT!" She shrieks and Josie cries. Violet, who is normally so attentive, so careful about how Josie experiences life….groans in exasperation and yells at her daughter. "OH MY GOD, STOP CRYING!"

Xaden can't take it. This is not Violet and he knows she needs drastic action. He picks up Josie off of her mat and knocks on Rhiannon's bedroom door, who answers it immediately. "Take her." He doesn't wait for an answer, just hands her over.

Violet is livid and hysterical, trying to move around Xaden's body to reach for her daughter, screaming. Xaden doesn't hear her, doesn't register the words, but knows she's yelling Josie's name and a lot of fuck you's. He spins around and crushes her to his chest and tries to calm her down. "Violence, calm down. Stop. Breathe."

She doesn't.

She thrashes as best she can and screams obscenities at him, but he doesn't budge. He loves her, and even if he hasn't told her that yet, he won't let her do something she regrets. And he knows she'll regret yelling at Josie.

He crushes her to his chest more and walks them back to her room, having to be a literal wall in front of her. By the time they make it there, she's crying again and has lost a ton of fight in her. But she's still trying.

"You…can't…take…her…" Violet sobs through heaving breaths, hardly getting the words out, "she's…mine…" she cries and crumbles into Xaden's chest, her fists clenching his shirt.

"I know," Xaden tries to soothe her, "I know, baby. No one is taking her. But you need to breathe. In your nose, out your mouth." He moves his hands to cradle her face and gets eye-level with her, forcing her to look at him. "Come on, Violence, breathe for me okay?" He begs her and she does it. She breathes.

Her face is blotchy red and she has tears streaming down her cheeks, her eyes swimming in blues and ambers. But she breathes, even if each breath gets caught in her throat and she stutters. In her nose, out of her mouth.

"Good…you're doing so good, baby." Xaden tells her and it seems to work. She calms down. They both fall to their knees and he lets a tear fall, the fear he's been hiding all afternoon finally breaking through.

They keep breathing.

They breathe together for a long time, but how long he doesn't know. The room grows dark. There's no light on, and the sun is quickly setting, but they just sit there, her face in his hands, her hands over his own, their eyes locked. Finally, he thinks she's calmed down enough to listen.

"Baby…Violet…talk to me. Please." He begs her, his voice hoarse as if he had been screaming all day. As if his inner turmoil of wanting to beg her to tell him what's wrong was actually escaping through his vocal chords. She starts to cry and goes to hide, but he holds her face firm. "You can cry. You can scream. But you have got to tell me what's going on. So I can help you. Please, baby."

She lets out a heavy, shuddering breath and closes her eyes. Her eyelashes are wet, but she's still so fucking beautiful. He kisses her nose and then places another lingering kiss on her forehead, breathing her in. She tightens her hold on his hands that are cradling her face.

It takes her a long time to get the words all the way out. "I'm….I feel….I can't breathe anymore. No matter…everything is so…hard. And loud. And…I'm so…awful at…" she trials off, opening her eyes, searching his own for answers.

"Keep going," he encourages her but says no more.

She breathes again. Closes her eyes. "I am terrified I'm going to ruin Josie. I'm terrified someone will take her. I'm terrified he…he might come for her." Xaden's heart breaks at her confession but he just watches her, silently supporting her. She continues to ramble but he hangs on every word. "What if I drown her in the bathtub? What if I go to the store and forget to have Rhiannon watch her? What if nothing happens and she hates me anyways because I have no money and no family and no life? What if she would have been better if I stayed?"

She opens her eyes and cries and pouts out her lip. Xaden lets more of his own tears fall and kisses her tears away. "Is there more?" He asks and she closes her eyes again.

"Why are you so perfect? Why would you want me? In my ruined body and my shitty apartment and my kid that's not yours? Why do you keep coming here and taking care of me? And…why…" her lip wobbles and he runs his thumbs along her cheeks, hoping she gets it all out.

"Why are you so wonderful and he was so awful? What did I do to deserve that? Why is he her father and you aren't? And why on earth would you want to stay?"

He can feel his features soften and more tears flow. They both breathe each other in for a moment, neither of them moving. "Are you done or is there more?"

"I…I don't know…" she barely gets the last word out, her voice cracking with exhaustion and sadness.

"Okay." Xaden digs deep in the wells of his mental strength and buries all of his fears for the moment, needing everything he has to be there for Violet. He stands and pulls her up with him and moves them to sit on the edge of her bed. "Do you want me to answer your questions, or do you want me to just hold you? Or something else?" He doesn't know if those questions she asked were rhetorical. He doesn't know if she even remembers them. He doesn't know a fucking thing, except that he loves her and loves Josephine and would die to make sure she doesn't ever feel this lost again.

Violet rests her head on his shoulder and lets out another shuddering breath. "Just…tell me something that you're thinking."

He wraps his arm around her and begins.

"I think that you are beautiful. I think you are Josie's mother and you are damn good at it. I think that the world is a fucked up place. I think that your ex is a needle-dick piece of shit." She snorts at that and he sees it as a win. He continues. "I think it kills me that you are hurting and I didn't know, that I can't help. But I also think this is bigger than having a bad day."

She nods against his shoulder.

"And I think we need to find a way to help you," he suggests and he hopes she doesn't run.

She doesn't.

She sucks in a breath again and he can feel his shirt getting wet with her tears. He rubs her arm with his hand and tries to keep her locked in his embrace.

"But we can do all of that tomorrow. Tell me what you need right now."

"Josie."

Violet says it with the love in her voice that he's used to and it warms his heart a little. He kisses her forehead and stands, running his hand through her hair. "I'll go get her."

🧡

Three days after The Bad Day™ as they have been calling it, and Violet is still struggling.

Two nights ago he watched as she threw her breastpump against the wall of the kitchen, definitely losing their security deposit. Her milk output has been lacking lately and it's more frustrating every day. Xaden was able to calm her down, and luckily the pump didn't break. But it was a rough night for sure, and they had to dip into her freezer stash.

Yesterday she laid in bed all day. Xaden worked from her apartment and Rhiannon took Josie to the park for a little while when she got fussy. He could tell her fussiness was irritating Violet and he was trying to stave off another meltdown.

Luckily, Josie seems to still yearn for Violet, wanting to be around her the most. When Josie went to sleep that night, thenight, Violet cried for a long time about how she had never yelled at her before and how she was worried it would traumatize her for life. But Josie woke up reaching for Violet like normal and is eating and drinking normally as well. Generally, she's as happy as she usually is.

Today, Xaden is trying a different tactic. He surprisingly convinced Violet to leave the apartment without Josie. He thinks she is finally realizing she needs a break, and Rhiannon agreed to stay home and send an hourly photo to Xaden in case Violet needs reassurance. After allowing Rhi to dress her and braid her hair, Violet allowed Xaden to plop her in his passenger seat, to load Tairn in the back, and drive off, leaving her daughter at home.

It's a huge win but he's very prepared for it to backfire.

He takes her to the Georgia Aquarium. He has wanted to take her and Josie here for a while, but it never felt like the right move. But today, he has time to waste and a woman to mend. They park and wait in the security line to enter. He walks her to the exhibit he wants her to see, Tairn glued to her side in the usual way he is. They ride the automatic floor through the aquarium tunnel, and she's quiet as she watches the sea creatures swim above her. She threads her fingers through his and simply takes it all in. When they reach the end of the tunnel and round the corner, he watches as she gets her first look at the enormous tank in front of her.

It's early, so it's not too busy yet. They find a seat on the raised flooring in the center of the room and lounge. He points out the famous whale sharks, and she points every time she sees a sea turtle. They talk about how they can't wait for Josie to be older and enjoy fish and colors and to take her. Xaden talks about how he came here with his father when he was younger and how he was blown away by the sheer size of the tank.

Time moves around them, but they remain. Families, couples, groups all surround them, making the room louder and then quieter as the flow of visitors ebbs and flows like the tide. But they remain.

Violet doesn't ask about Josie after a bit of time passes. She doesn't talk at all really, she just watches. She breathes, occasionally closes her eyes. She squeezes Xaden's hand every time the whale shark swims by, and he's not even sure she knows she's doing it. He lounges next to her, his long legs stretched out, and watches her jaw loosen, her eyelids flutter. He watches her pass through thoughts and emotions. He watches her mentally chastise herself, he watches her worry.

He watches.

He checks his phone when it buzzes in his pocket and realizes it's time for them to leave. He offers to grab lunch on the way home, but she declines and says she just wants to get back to Josie. They stop at the gift shop to grab her a stuffed octopus, head to the car, and Xaden keeps their fingers intertwined the entire drive back to her apartment. When they enter, he realizes his reinforcements are already there and he steps out of the way to allow Violet to realize it as well.

"MIRA?!" Violet screeches in disbelief before running towards her sister, who is leaning against the kitchen island talking to Rhiannon, and crashing into her arms. Violet cries and Mira cries and Xaden tries really hard to not cry. Rhiannon walks by to grab her keys and head to Tara's, but stops and whispers, "you really are very good to her, Peachtree Papa." He snorts and she pats his arm as she exits.

He puts the octopus down on the island and kisses Violet on the hair before nodding to Mira and taking his leave. He called her after Violet fell asleep on The Bad Day™ and told her he needed help. She had choice words for him calling her on Violet's phone, but as soon as she heard the desperation in his voice and the concern he had for her sister, she got to planning. This was as early as she could get here, and she'll be here for three days. He hates leaving Violet, but he knows she's in good hands and needs this time with her sister.

🧡

Tuesday morning, Garrick appears at his office door at the gym while he's on the phone with the insurance agent for their quarterly call. Xaden isn't paying attention, just leaning back in his chair staring at the ceiling. He normally wouldn't pay attention to this meeting anyways, but this week he's completely checked out. He has given Violet space, allowed her to spend time with her sister. He hasn't even checked in with Mira.

It's been killing him and he's nearly jumping out of his own skin with how much he wants to go to her.

"We pay you all this money to shirk on your owner responsibilities?" His best friend jokes and Xaden flips him off without even looking. Garrick laughs. "Hey, your girl's here."

Xaden jerks up so abruptly, his chair almost falls over and Sgaeyl glares at him from her bed. "Violet?" He asks and Garrick nods, still laughing. He quickly types out in the meeting chat that he has to drop for an urgent matter and ends the call, and rushes out of his office, Sgaeyl on his heels. He finds Violet on the stair landing talking to Sloane, Tairn at her side but no Josie in sight. As he approaches, Sloane looks between the two of them and says something about the phones before darting down the stairs.

Violet turns towards him and his heart stops. She looks good. Healthy. Happy. Her cheeks have that pink tint he loves and some pieces of her hair have escaped it's braid on the top of her head. She smiles timidly and he matches her. She releases Tairn, who trots off with Sgaeyl back into Xaden's office and they're left alone again.

The silence is loud but not awkward. It just is.

"Want to sit?" Violet asks and he nods with a smile, placing a hand on her back as they move over to the lounge area. He sits in one of the armchairs closest to the couch, where Violet settles. She wrings her hands together, showing her nerves, but doesn't say anything right away. He knows he should let her start but he can't help himself. He moves to brush the loose strand of hair on her cheek behind her ear. She shudders but doesn't pull away.

"You look good." And she does. She looks like a tired mother, someone who's had a rough few days, but ultimately she still looks like Violet.

She smiles at him, that sad type of smile she usually gives him when she's feeling guilty or when he does "too much for her" but still accepts whatever help he's offering. He loves that he knows her types of smiles, and he loves that he can tell she's feeling better because she braided her hair in a crown, or at the very least allowed Mira to do it. Xaden loves that he knows her so well because he loves her so much.

He just hopes he can tell her one day.

"I feel good. Better. Sort of," she finishes and scowls at herself. Xaden struggles to hold his smile in. "Mira has been a big help and we've done a lot of…soul searching."

Xaden nods, but doesn't say anything. He has moved his hands back to his own chair, lacing them together in front of him while his elbows rest on his knees. He's afraid part of that soul-searching means she's going to pull away from him, but ultimately he'll let her if that means she gets better.

"I want to apologize for how I acted—"

"No, Violence," he waves her off, "do not apologize—"

She reaches over and puts her hands over his. He halts his movements and locks his eyes with hers, the amber swirling so beautifully. "Xaden. I need to say this, okay?" Her chins juts out like it does when she's standing her ground and he feels the corner of his mouth tug up. He nods.

"I…I'm sorry I acted like that. I am embarrassed I let it get this bad, and I know I'm supposed to say it's not my fault, but the entire time I could feel myself slipping, I knew I needed to ask for help. I knew you would help or Rhiannon or anyone but I just…didn't. So I'm sorry, and I will work on not feeling sorry for things I can't control." Her hands are still touching his, so Xaden adjusts to lace their fingers together.

She lets him.

"Mira thinks I should see a therapist and talk to my doctor about…" Violet trails off and heaves a big sigh while she closes her eyes. "About postpartum depression." She winces while she says it, like it's something to be embarrassed about.

"I think that's good," Xaden says. She flicks her eyes up at him and he almost chuckles at how she narrows them in frustration, as if she wanted him to agree with her in the unspoken thought that she doesn't need help. She softens quickly though. More like deflates, if he's honest.

She shakes her head a little, running her free hand across her brow. "I've told you enough about my mother for you to understand why it would be hard for me to accept that I had a mental episode. Mira verbally kicked my ass and I agreed to go." Xaden squeezes their hands where they're intertwined and waits. "I…I need to do this for her. For Josie," Violet says and scoots down the couch, closer to him. "And for us."

All of the breath in Xaden's lungs escape in a single exhale. Us. With that one word, he knows he hasn't lost her. That she's not leaving, even if she needs more time to herself. He feels like he could fly. "I'm so proud of you, Violet."

She scoffs and hangs her head, but he pushes on. "No, I am," Xaden tells her and scoots over to the couch. She's practically in his lap with how close they are, their legs fused together. "You have been through…fuck, a lot. And recognizing that you need someone to help you get through it is the bravest thing you could do," he tells her and unlaces their hands to cradle her jaw. "I am proud of you. And I am here for whatever you need."

She closes her eyes and nods, a tear escaping, before she leans forward and places her lips on his. He breathes her in and kisses her back. He doesn't open for her, nor she for him, but it's one of the best kisses of their relationship.

"Will you watch Josie while I go to my appointment tomorrow?" Violet asks as she breaks away. It's almost a whisper, like it cost her something to ask.

Xaden smiles. "Yes," he kisses her quickly before continuing, "I'll have Liam and Garrick get her in the ring," he jokes and she laughs. A small laugh, but a real one nonetheless.

"I want…I want us to get back to being good, but I also," Violet trails off and looks away.

"Tell me," Xaden encourages, his voice low.

"I want us to really try this? Not like…just parenting this child together, which I feel like is what we've been doing. I want to get to a point where I can have someone babysit Josie so we can go on dates," she tells him and looks at him with those big beautiful eyes of hers. "And maybe…finally…spend the night together?"

The innocent words shoot straight to his dick because he knows what they mean. He knows she means to be intimate, to finally explore each other the way he has desperately wanted to. His heart is also beating faster than normal from her referring to what they've been doing as parenting together and he chooses to not explore how fucking perfect that felt.

"Vi," he stutters out and takes a moment to collect himself. He wants to scoop her up and bring her to his office and show her just how much he wants that to, but he knows it's not the time. He holds her hands again. "Look, I want to absolutely worship you," she trembles under his touch but he keeps going, "I want to explore every inch of your body and show you just how much I love you. But I want you to be ready, to be you and happy and healthy. So don't think of that as a finish line we have to get to. Let's get you to a good place and we'll go from there, okay?" He asks her and notices her lips slightly parted and her eyes wide. "What?"

"You…said you love me," she stammers out and he can feel his heart stop beating. He did say that. It's so natural to him that he didn't even notice it. He lets the silence pool between them, giving her a second to run away. But when she doesn't, he decides to say fuck it and commit.

"I…I do love you," Xaden tells her and leans in to her space a bit more, "I'm in love with you. I have been since you let me kiss you while you were in labor. But I don't need you to love me back. I need you to be the best mom for Josie you can be and the rest will follow." He doesn't wait for her to respond and he kisses her again. She returns it greedily, her hands clutching the front of his shirt and her mouth opening for him, their tongues exploring.

He pulls back and she chases him, which makes him giggle. When she opens his eyes, she scowls and he giggles more. "Trust me, that was not without effort," he tells her and cradles Violet's face in his hands. "Let's go slow. Because I want this, I need this to last. All of this." Her cheeks grow pink and he smiles, loving the way she looks as her blush takes over.

Violet shakes her head and lets go of his shirt, but he doesn't let her get away. He holds her hands in his lap, their legs touching on the couch. When she looks up at him, there are tears in her eyes and she huffs out a frustrated breath. "I'm so fucking tired of crying," she complains and hangs her head.

"I know," he murmurs and pulls her into his chest, resting his chin on top of her head. He can smell her shampoo and he drinks it in. "We'll get there." Xaden runs his hand along her back and holds for a few moments, reluctant to let her go. "Where's Sprout?"

Violet laughs a tiny little laugh, like it cost her too much energy to even let that out, and pulls out of his embrace. "I left her with Mira…she told me to come tell you," she waves her arms in between them in a gesture, "all of what I just did and that it would make me feel better. But I hate it, being away from her. I feel like I'm going to die right now."

Xaden just nods and squeezes her hands. "Do you want me to walk you home?"

She nods, and they go. He tells Sloane he'll be back in a bit and they walk hand in hand, their respective dogs in front of them, back to her apartment. Along the same street they first met, the one they've walked so many times at this point. But there's a new yet still familiar lightness between them, as if an oppressive weight has been lifted. Violet is quiet, which isn't unsual, but her hand is loose in his, no longer the white-knuckled grip he's noticed the past month or so. He asks her how Josie was this morning, and she tells him a quick tale of how she's unsure of Mira's vibe and how Violet's sister was fully offended, but he mostly notices the light that returned to her eyes as she tells him.

When they reach Violet's building, he commands Sgaeyl to heel and pulls Violet into a deep kiss. She returns it and they stay fused together for enough time that there's a clearing of a throat on the steps behind them, where they turn to see Mira holding Josie with a smug look on her face. Violet's cheeks turn that beautiful shade of pink Xaden loves and she properly introduces them, Xaden extending a hand that Mira hesitates to accept in a thinly veiled attempt to appear annoyed.

Josie breaks the tension by reaching for Xaden with her tiny arms and doing the whine she does when she wants to be picked up. He obliges, and kisses her cheeks enough to elicit a small giggle. When he holds her to his side, he sees a look of adoration on Violet's face she hasn't shown in at least a week, probably longer.

"Ok, I'm going to leave you guys to say your disgusting goodbyes," Mira interrupts with a fake gag and turns to Violet, "I need to leave for the airport in about a half hour. I was going to call an Uber soon."

"Do you need a ride?" Xaden asks and Mira looks at him with a surprised look.

"Don't you have a class?" Violet asks and he does, so he curses under his breath. Violet scolds him for cursing in front of the baby and it's such a return to normal, he nearly cries.

"I can have someone cover," he offers and turns to Violet, "or I can have Garrick or Liam take you guys, so you can say goodbye at security?" Xaden asks and after some polite denying, it's decided Liam will take them to the airport in Xaden's SUV with his carseat. Violet leaves them to take Josie upstairs for a diaper change with another quick kiss to Xaden's lips and it's just him and Violet's intimidating and slightly mean sister.

"I'll tell Liam to head down here as soon as I get back to the gym," he tells Mira and starts to leave.

"Riorson!" Mira calls out and he stops and turns around to see her assessing him. He simply cocks an eyebrow in quesiton. "Look, I still think it's totally fucking weird how you just swooped in and found yourself a family." He scoffs but doesn't say anymore. "But," she begins and closes her eyes in frustration before continuing, "I can tell you care about them. And I need someone to. Because I can't be here and my mother…." Mira trails off and doesn't continue. Xaden vows to find more out about Violet's mother to figure out just how deep the trauma goes.

"I love Violet. And Josie. It doesn't matter if you like me or even believe me. I don't do it to prove to you that I love them. I do it so Violet feels safe and loved." He stops and looks down the block, at the spot they first met. "Tripping over her that day was the best thing that ever happened to me and I will spend the rest of my life making sure she and Josie know that."

Mira stares at him with a blank expression. Xaden knows it's a mask; he's done it plenty of times on his own. He waits.

"If you hurt her, or Josie, I'll cut your balls off." There is so much promise in Mira's eyes, he nearly laughs. She would like Imogen, he thinks.

"If I do that, I'll let you."

🧡

The next day, at half past two, he pulls the stroller to a stop outside of a non-descript building with a slew of businesses on the placard in front, indicating the different offices it houses. Josie is asleep underneath her blanket with tiny leprachauns on it, a gift for her from Garrick and Imogen that he always makes sure to use in hope of making her a Notre Dame fan before she can even talk.

Violet conceded that she wasn't a sports fan so she wasn't going to fight him on it until it came to her applying for schools. He couldn't believe they both were thinking they'd still be doing this battle in eighteen years.

He looks at Violet and she's staring at the doors like they're the gates to hell. Or at least a terrifying alternate dimension that she has no interest in exploring. He squeezes her hand.

"I can't." Violet says it like it's doctrine. Like she's telling someone she can't fly or that she can't perform magic.

"You can," Xaden tells her and says nothing else because there's nothing else to tell. He's sure she can do this. Violet looks at him and he sees the uncertainty swirling in her eyes. "You can do this and you will do this because you are an incredible mother and the strongest person I know."

She just looks at him but he sees her eyes fill with a tiny amount of confidcence.

"Violet, you're going to go inside and let them help you. And it's going to be hard and it's going to be scary, but this doctor will guide you. And Josie and I will be here for every step of the way." He squeezes her hand again and her gaze softens a bit as she glances at Josie's sleeping form.

"I'm scared," she confesses with a shaky voice, "I have nothing…" she stops like she can't finish her thought, huffs a deep breath and regroups. "I have no job, I'm nearly homeless, and I have nothing to offer except my broken brain. What if I do this and I come out more broken?" She asks and her lips quivers.

He pulls her into a tight embrace, using his foot to put the brake on the stroller. She allows him to envelope her in his arms, melting into his chest in the way she does, the way they always just fit. "Violet, look at me."

She does.

"I love you and you are not broken." Violet shudders a little as she breathes. "You will get a job when it's time. And," he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a keychain with a key to his apartment on it, "I wanted to do this later. When you were…ready. But you and Josie," he stops to catch himself, making sure he's composed. It doesn't work. "Fuck, Violet, I'd have moved you in months ago. When you're ready, whether it's today or in ten fucking years, just use this key and you guys are welcome. We can keep the condo or buy a house, I don't care. So don't worry about that, you'll never be homeless. Just…I want you to be you and this doctor will help you."

Violet lets a tear fall but she doesn't break his gaze as she grabs hold of the key. They look at each other, his hand finding her cheeks, her free hand splayed across his chest. "Help me." It's all she says. Barely a whisper, nothing more. He looks at the door at the top of the steps in front of the unassuming building.

"Look," and she does, "it's five steps. Five steps to the door. Five steps to finding out that you did nothing wrong. Five steps to finding out how to heal. How to forget that fucking loser who didn't deserve you and wasn't a man, but a…demon. Five steps to being an even better mom for Josie." He looks back at her and she looks at him and he swims in those eyes of hers, more blue than amber right now.

"Five steps to forgiving yourself for being fucking human, Vi. And we'll be here, at the bottom of the steps, when you come out." He kisses her forehead but doesn't linger. She nods, looks at Josie before giving her a kiss and whispering something Xaden cant decipher. She walks up the five steps, looks back at him and smiles, before going inside.

Josie and him walk around, stopping at a bookstore for a quick gift for Violet before heading back. She doesn't say much about the appointment when she emerges, just that she was glad she went, that she has to go back each week, that she isn't ready to talk about it.

And that's how it goes for a few weeks. Xaden sees his girls almost daily, whether he stays overnight or just for a meal or two. He takes her to almost every appointment, but a few times Rhiannon does. Last week, Violet went on her own, leaving Josie with Sloane of all people at the gym. Of course, Xaden was there, but it was a huge milestone that he and Rhiannon texted about for nearly an hour. He takes her on dates, mostly with Josie in tow but they feel different, more romantic. More like a relationship. They reach a new milestone in their intimate relationship one night in Violet's shower, but still not the final step. He doesn't care. His Violence is around more and more and he's forever grateful to her doctors, to modern medicine, to the sheer tenacity and strength of the woman he loves.

About a month and some days after that first appointment, he brings Violet lunch and plays with Josie a bit while she showers. He goes to the corporate office that afternoon to do his weekly required bullshit and doesn't make it home until after dinner time. He's fully prepared for Sgaeyl to glare at him when he walks in the door, which is why he tells Bodhi he'll meet him and Liam for drinks another night. He parks in his spot and grabs his bag, already deciding to have something delivered for dinner rather than figuring out something to cook. He greets his doorman and punches in his floor, scrolling his phone and realizing Violet hasn't texted him since before lunch. He tamps down the worry brewing in his chest, telling himself raising a baby is just fucking hard and he'll call her after he walks Sgaeyl.

When he unlocks his door, he braces for the sight of a pissed off Sgaeyl but that's not what greets him. What he is greeted with is the sounds of Bluey in the background, a small blubbering sound he's learned to associate with Josie, and tons of boxes and bags. He walks through his foyer to find Violet sprawled on the floor with Josie, toys scattered around and the dogs curled up on the bed from Violet's bedroom in the corner.

He stops breathing. He stops moving.

Violet, wearing little shorts and one of his shirts, turns to look at him and scambles to a standing position, leaving Josie on the floor where she is, chewing on a plastic giraffe. "Hi," she says and gives him a little wave.

"Hi," he replies and slips his bag off his shoulder to the floor. He usually is meticulous about where he puts his things but he's too afraid to move, too afraid that her boxes and bags and Josie's toys will disappear.

They watch each other for a minute, neither of them saying anything. Violet breaks first.

"Still fancy a roommate?" She asks and he chokes out a wet laugh, letting a tear escape. But only just. Because then he's moving, taking two long strides to her and crashing his lips to hers while lifting her off her feet. She makes a shocked sound before giggling into to kiss, her arms wrapping around his neck and fingers threading through his curls, her legs wrapping around his waist. He kisses her with every fiber of love that flows through his veins, tries to convey the happiness that she's here and she's healthy and his girls will live here under the same roof as him. He kisses her and she kisses him back and Josie babbles at Bluey and it's just right.

When they break apart, they're both grinning ear to ear and breathless. Their foreheads touch, Xaden not keen on letting her go all night. She smiles more and gives him a few more kisses before dropping out of his hold, planting her feet back on the ground.

"I think you're going to need more bookshelves," she teases and he kisses her again. God, he can't believe it.

"Anything you want, Violence." And he means it. He'll remodel the whole house tomorrow if she needs him too.

"Hold on," she tells him and he finally gives up kissing her to move away. He scoops Josie up and throws her in the air before kissing her cheeks senseless. Violet laughs more and he commits the sound to memory. "I also…" she starts and twists her hands together. He steps coser to try and encourage her and it must work because she continues. "I had Liam set up Josie's crib in the spare room. We're going to need to move some stuff around and it might be a bit of a transition, but…I want to. I want to…just…I want to be with you and her be in her room." Violet finishes her mini speech and looks at him with a small amount of uncertainty.

Xaden smiles, a big smile, one he only reserves for his girls. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Violet replies and he does a double take. She's never told him that before, but he's felt that she feels the same. Still. Hearing it is something different. He keeps hold of Josie and kisses Violet again, their lips moving slowly together.

They finally make love that night, so different than either of them expected their first time to be. Josie transitioned beautifully, but they don't expect it to be a trend. They spend the night discovering each other's bodies, discovering the sounds they make in pleasure and how they feel wrapped around one another. They cling to each other when they come down and whisper I love you's and their hopes for the coming months of this new stage of their relationship before going again. Josie wakes them up before the sun, but neither of them had what they would call sleep.

Xaden calls out of work after breakfast but they spend the rest of the day figuring out how to create a better routine, how he can stop missing work and what daycare might look like for Josie since Violet has a job interview in a few days.

Five days to be exact.