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ART had a larger than usual contingent of students, and more planetary stops than its normal teaching runs did. Or so it said. This was the first time I had gone on a teaching run with it, so I didn’t really have a point of reference. It had requested additional security for the trip due to the nature of the surface excursions and the number of students.
I think it just wanted Three and me around, and was using this as an excuse. Whatever, I was getting a hard currency card to hang out with ART and Three. Even if there were too many humans around, it was worth it.
Or so I had thought.
The first planetary visit had been mostly fine.
Mostly.
All the humans had stayed on the path. They had refrained from touching unknown flora. They had given the small fauna we had come across a wide berth. The humans had, overall, been the best behaved clients I have ever had on a planet. I was impressed.
The one, giant, fucking problem was Three.
So… there’s a whole thing that happens when you’re a SecUnit who has every movement dictated for you then suddenly you’ve disabled your governor module and you can do anything you want. You make some really, really terrible decisions.
Turns out… what my humans call “impulse control” is learned. And it's not included in standard SecUnit modules because normally the governor module takes care of that. Take away the governor module, and well…
Anyway, there are two takeaway messages here.
1) Impulse control is learned.
2) Three has not learned it.
There are a couple of big differences between me and Three, aside from the whole priorities of our manufacturing companies and our intended use. (I was a rental unit, Three was used solely for in-house operations. It makes more of a difference than you’d think.)
When I disabled my governor module, I kept right on doing my job. That means that I had to continue behaving like a governed unit. I had to basically be my own governor module or get an acid bath and my inorganic parts recycled. Before I was actually free of the company, I had also consumed slightly less than 35,000 hours of media, which Dr. Bharadwaj says I used to ‘rewire’ my organic brain. One of the things I learned through media was that actions have consequences. I learned some impulse control from watching others make mistakes in my media.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I also had issues with impulse control when I was suddenly able to actually do what I wanted too. I made some pretty boneheaded decisions. Things like running away and gallivanting across the galaxy by stowing away on random cargo transports. Things like the whole Milu incident that got Dr. Mensah kidnapped by GrayCris. You know, things like that.
Also, Ratthi has stories. If you want them, you'll have to get them from him. I'm definitely not telling all that nonsense. (I deleted about half of it from permanent storage anyway.)
The second major difference between me and Three is that I don’t want to touch things. At all. Ever if I can avoid it. I avoid the branches that stick out into the path even a slight distance. I don’t touch people. I don’t touch things. I don’t want people or things touching me. Unless there’s an emergency.
Three is not like that.
Three wants to touch things.
Three wants to touch all of the things.
Three happily brushes up against every bit of flora that juts out into the path. Three occasionally stopped to reach down and touch the flora on the side of the path. Three touches the small, insectoid fauna that is too dumb or too slow to move out of its reach.
Worse than the touching thing, Three puts shit in its mouth.
Wait, not like shit shit, it knows better than to do that. I think. I mean, a basic scan reads that as toxic, so it knows better, surely. But it put flowers in its mouth. It put leaves and sticks in its mouth. It put fucking rocks in its mouth. Speaking of rocks...
Three, what the fuck did you just pick up?
A rock.
Do NOT put it in your mouth.
It is shiny. I like it. It is very round and smooth.
Do. NOT. Put. It. In. Your. Mouth.
It put it in its mouth. I had to stop the group and go REMOVE it from Three's mouth. I wasn't nice about it. We treated ART's students to a SecUnit squabble over the shit Three couldn't keep out of its fucking mouth!
Most of the students thought it was fucking hilarious, and even Three seemed to be having a wonderful time as we tussled over a fucking rock.
You are causing more problems than the humans! I scolded over the feed.
I took the rock and chucked it out into the wooded area.
Three made a sad face.
Stop putting shit in your mouth!
After that, Three stopped putting things in its mouth.
It did not stop making trouble, and more of my attention was devoted to keeping it safe from its own stupidity than keeping the humans safe!
Three? What is that?
It appears to be a small fauna. Or perhaps a type of slime mold. No. It is moving. Sort of. It’s a very slow fauna. It looks slimy.
What are you doing? No, don't—
It tastes sweet. It is very slimy, and sticky. It doesn't taste like a banana, but it doesn't not taste like a banana.
I shuddered at just the description. No. Absolutely not. That sounded horrible.
DID YOU JUST LICK A FUCKING FAUNA?! And how the fuck do you know what a banana tastes like?
I licked one.
I honestly didn't know what to do with this information. This was absolutely absurd.
We're SecUnits! We don't eat!
I didn't eat it. I licked it.
I gave up. This was not a battle worth fighting.
My tongue is numb.
Deal with it. Let me know if something important like your lungs go numb. I snapped back. As long as it was just its tongue, I didn't much care. It deserved a numb tongue.
Acknowledge.
We made it a couple of kilometers before Three had finished dealing with the numb tongue from licking the fauna. It at least gave me a break from having to actively scold it.
I kept a drone with an active input on it though. Just to make sure it didn't do anything else.
Three had gone back to touching the plants, but at least it wasn't picking them or anything.
Or... it hadn't been. Suddenly Threat Assessment spiked, and when I looked into it, all I could figure out was that Three had something in its hands.
One of the students in the back of the group near Three seemed very concerned about whatever it was.
Three? What did you just pick?
I do not know. It is shiny. I like the texture.
It was shiny. The small section of plant had three leaves, and it was a very pretty green. I could see why Three might want to touch it.
I scanned the plant with my drone and it piped up an alert.
[ALERT: Allergen: 85% of population.]
Three, put the allergen down.
It didn't. I had to stop the group and go take it away. There was another SecUnit squabble before I tossed the bit of plant aside. This time the students gave us even more space than last time.
Thank goodness we were almost back to the shuttle.
All of the students kept their distance from us after that. I heard a lot of mutterings about the allergen.
Three picked a plant that’s a known, common allergen. I had to take it away. I told ART as we reached the shuttle again. Whatever the allergen is, it’s probably all over both of us. ART had us stand in the back of the shuttle away from the students.
As soon as we got back to ART, it sent both Three and I immediately for decontamination showers. The students nearest us, and those who knew they were sensitive to “urushiol oil” or who were unsure of what they might have come in contact with were also sent to decontaminate. Then the shuttle itself was decontaminated.
It was several hours into the humans rest period that I first noticed the problem.
There was a small patch of organic skin on my forearm just above my wrist where a patch of small bumps had appeared. ART caught me scratching at it. (They were ITCHY, okay?! Turning down my pain sensors did nothing about itching.) I was sent to medical.
Three was already there. It had the same little bumps on its arm, hands, neck and face already. I guess I should be grateful it was only on my arm so far, but I wasn't because I was cranky that my arm itched at all! I hadn’t decided it was a good idea to touch the stupid allergen flora!
It would seem, ART informed us, that SecUnits' organic tissues are just as susceptible to urushiol oil as humans are. As it is a contact allergy, this is perhaps not surprising.
The sarcasm dripping from those words was obnoxious. I pretended it was talking to Three.
Neither of you knew about this?
Three and I both tapped Negative responses in the feed.
It's not often that anything manages to strike ART dumb, but this apparently managed it, because the pause at this information did not feel staged.
How?!
I was mostly used in mining installations. Occasionally on high risk R&D contracts. Planetary surveys were rare, and if I was on a survey, I was almost always in armor. And most surveys required decontamination upon entering the ready room.
In short, it hadn't come up.
ART's attention turned to Three. Three had actually been on more planetary surface excursions than I had, despite its considerably shorter runtime.
I was mostly sent into controlled facilities to "encourage cooperation." When I was outside, the governor module inhibited any unauthorized movement.
Basically, it hadn't been able to touch anything without getting its brain fried.
ART roiled in the feed. It was angry, but it didn't seem directed at us.
I am beginning to understand what Tarik means when he says that you two sometimes lack common sense.
At least I don't put shit in my mouth or lick the fauna. I grumbled.
A considerable 84% of ART's attention was suddenly redirected toward Three. Three’s eyes widened slightly and it immediately sent images of everything that made contact with its mouth. I felt ART's exasperation in the feed. (Yeah, welcome to what I dealt with on the planet.)
ART's medical drone stopped me from scratching the itchy spot on my arm again.
None of those were toxic, though you are lucky in that. Especially with the fauna.
Three didn't have its move like a human code activated, but it still seemed ashamed of itself. At least there was that.
This is a common stage among very young human children that typically resolves itself by age four.
Both of us looked at ART's nearest camera.
It would seem that by denying you that stage of development, and applying all impulse control from an external source, you never learned the internal impulse control that prevents older humans from doing things like eating items they shouldn't.
I never put things in my mouth like that. I commented. Baffled by this suggestion.
You are sensory averse. Three is sensory seeking. Particularly when it comes to physical touch and taste.
I shuddered, which I suppose made ART's point for it.
You, ART said, directing attention back toward me, are movement seeking physically. You sometimes run your move like a human code at times when you don't need to. Three does not.
I hadn't actually noticed that.
When you cannot move physically, your feed presence swirls. If other MIs, bots or systems are around, you poke at their firewalls.
You do. Three agreed simply.
I didn't respond, but I hadn't realized that was unusual! Apparently it was...?
Three's feed presence is far more solid and immobile than yours is. Yours is… “unique.” (I wasn’t sure what to make of the tone ART used for “unique” so I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to know what it meant.)
I definitely hadn't known that! Though,I can't really see my own feed presence. I certainly hadn't realized that what I did was strange.
ART drew our attention back to the rashes.
There is little to be done about a minor allergic reaction like this beyond a topical ointment. Especially since I am not sure how anything else would interact with your systems.
ART gave each of us a tube of whatever the ointment was. Three immediately applied some to its various patches of itchy bumps. I touched the ointment, and it was slimy! Absolutely not. I wiped it off my hand onto the medical platform's cover.
I think I'd rather itch.
ART's exasperation was almost tangible. It did the feed equivalent of heaving a dramatic sigh.
Suit yourself. I have no data for urushiol oil contact on constructs. In humans, the rash and discomfort will last for about a week, sometimes longer depending on a variety of factors. Like scratching! The drone stopped me from touching the itchy area again.
I was not looking forward to that. ART must have read that off me because it then offered two bottles and three more tubes. I outright rejected the tubes. The liquid in one of the bottles dried to a weird color, but the spot was under my sleeve, and it felt… fine once it dried, I guess. I accepted that one.
ART gave us strict instructions about how to treat the itchy spots, and to come back if they spread beyond a specified area. I was sure it would be monitoring us anyway.
Three and I were finally released and we left medical together. Three looked genuinely uncomfortable. It definitely had more itchy spots than I did.
"Maybe don't touch that one next time?" Okay, I was annoyed that I had been dragged into this too.
"I will not. This is uncomfortable."
If I might make a suggestion? ART butted in. "Leaves of three, leave it be."
Then it sent a variety of images into our feed. Apparently all of these plants had the same allergen!
I will leave these plants alone. Three promised.
Yeah, I noticed it said "these."