Chapter Text
Hello, dear reader. I am the narrator of this madness and today I will introduce our chaotic group to you. Consider this chapter as a start for their beautiful journey. In the following chapters I would be more of a background, interacting with our disasters from time to time (mostly to tell them they are idiots), but not interfering with the plot. Also, I let Leo choose my name, so from now on I am Fiammetta, apparently… It’s nice though. Anyway, welcome to the RenaINSANEance.
COLD OPEN: 7:04 A.M., THE WORKSHOP (WHICH IS ALSO, LEGALLY, A FLAT)
Stage note: until the reveal, only Leo can see or hear the camera and its narrator. Everyone else sees Leo, alone, holding a conversation with the air.
A camera-orb (yes, me, the narrator, hi; don’t look up too much to it, I’m just bored) drifts in through the window like a guilty firefly. It takes in the room: a chore wheel Leo has upgraded into a small catapult. A sign in three handwritings: "NICO'S LEDGERS. THIS MEANS YOU, LEO." A bucket labelled "FIRE (ASSUME YES)." A half-dissected bird on the dining table.
In the corner, Leo hangs upside down in a flying-machine harness. One boot. One nightshirt. His eyes land on the orb and something inside him melts.
LEO: Oh. Oh, hello. (arms out, like greeting a kitten) Aren't you the loveliest thing that has ever floated?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Good morning, Florence. Welcome to the Renaissance's very first YouTube channel...
LEO: It talks! (swings closer, harness creaking) Is it clockwork? Lens and mirror? Do you have a spring? What do you eat?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Don't worry about it. (slapping Leo’s hands away) Leo, please don't open me.
LEO: Never. (hides the chisel behind his back) I would never. I'm going to call you Fiammetta.
NARRATOR (V.O.): I'm not a Fiammetta.
LEO: (stage whisper) She's shy.
Vanessa walks in with a mug and finds Leo upside down, cooing at the ceiling.
VANESSA: Morning. Who are you talking to?
LEO: Fiammetta! She floats! She watches! She's going to change everything!
VANESSA: (looks at the empty air, then at Leo) Have you slept?
Zo shuffles in, followed by Nico, who peers over a wall of ledgers.
ZO: Why is Leo flirting with a rafter?
NICO: Is he hearing things again?
VANESSA: He looks happy.
ZO: The happy version is worse.
Riario enters. Grey-faced, hollow-eyed. He hears Leo's one-sided chat and stops in the doorway.
RIARIO: He is speaking to something.
ZO: Well. Count would know. He's been taking calls from God since season one.
RIARIO: That is not the same.
NICO: Is it not?
Riario says nothing. He sits at the far end of the table. Nico takes his seat's cushion. Riario lets him.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Leo, they can't see me. This is going to be awkward.
LEO: (to the others, glowing) Fiammetta says she should probably introduce herself.
NARRATOR (V.O.): (sighing) Fine. Uncovering myself in three, two...
A shimmer peels away from the air like a dropped cloak. The orb blazes into view at eye level, humming, huge, glowing. The voice fills the room.
NARRATOR (V.O.): ...Good morning, everyone.
EVERYONE SCREAMS.
Nico hurls a ledger. Vanessa dives behind the table. Zo crawls under it, praying in two languages. Riario draws his sword with a shaking hand.
LEO: (delighted) See? Isn't she wonderful?
RIARIO: (voice cracking, and he is not joking) Are you... God? (a beat) Have you come for me?
The camera tilts. It wasn't expecting that. Well, actually was expecting EXACTLY that. Of course that…
NARRATOR (V.O.): ...Sure. Let's go with that.
Riario sinks to his knees, sword clattering.
RIARIO: Then I must confess. I have sinned. I have…
NARRATOR (V.O.): Oh, the list is long…
NICO: The cathedral.
RIARIO: I have done things I cannot...
ZO: (from under the table) The poisoned wafers.
RIARIO: (hollow) Yes. I was going to say those.
VANESSA: Giuliano.
Riario flinches. It's a small movement, but everyone sees it.
NICO: And Lucrezia's father. Still in a cell. She asked me to remind you.
RIARIO: (barely audible) I have not forgotten.
LEO: (not looking away from the camera) Be nice. (beat) Girolamo, you're in the shot.
RIARIO: (defeated) Yes.
He shuffles out of frame on his knees.
NARRATOR (V.O.): We'll deal with confessions later. Leo, intro. Say something catchy.
Leo tries seven angles. He tries three faces. He asks Fiammetta which is his good side.
LEO: (to the camera, sincerely) I don't think I have a bad one.
He sits on a stool. The stool folds like a dying moth (a prototype: "self-adjusting seating"). He continues from the floor, radiant.
LEO: Hello, Florence! I am Leonardo da Vinci: painter, engineer, anatomist, and a man who has been asked to leave four separate guilds. On this channel: science, art, forbidden knowledge, and explosions that were definitely supposed to go like that.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Tagline.
LEO: "Da Vinci's Demons: where genius meets chaos, and everybody blames me."
ZO: (peeking out from under the table) Accurate.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Now the important part: "like and subscribe."
VANESSA: Subscribe to what?
NARRATOR (V.O.): In the future, people pledge loyalty to a stranger in exchange for content. Feudalism, but with worse lighting.
Zo climbs out from under the table, dusting himself off, suspicious but interested.
ZO: And the strangers pay?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Some do. Some even listen. You know, Zo, you have great screen presence.
ZO: ...Me?
He straightens his shirt. He steps into the light.
ZO: Greetings, mortals. I am Zoroaster. Mystic. Seer. A man of depth, and a Capricorn.
The camera pushes in slowly. Something in the light warms.
NARRATOR (V.O.): That was cinematic.
ZO: (breathless, teary eyed) Again.
TEN MINUTES LATER
Zo has commandeered three mirrors as reflectors (how the fuck). Nico stands beside him with a ledger, no longer wary, now a manager.
ZO: (to camera) Welcome back to my channel. Today: "Get Ready With Me: Ritual Edition." Sponsored by the Medici Bank. (aside) Please don't audit us.
NICO: Ten percent.
ZO: Fifteen.
NICO: Twenty, and I carry the mirrors.
VANESSA: (arms folded) This is how cults start.
ZO: It's called a community.
LEO: (quietly, from the floor) It was my camera.
ZO: It's a sharing economy, Leonardo.
LEO: (to the orb, wounded) Fiammetta?
NARRATOR (V.O.): I love everyone equally. But Zo has better engagement for now.
LEO: What's engagement?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Wouldn’t you like to know, weatherboy. But now, the future.
ZO: (to camera, mystical, hands wide) And now: the Oracle speaks. Narrator?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Didn’t have to repeat my words… But sure. Fun fact: Leo, one day you'll get so paranoid you faint mid-chase.
LEO: (thrilled) I'll faint? From what? Can I choose the pose?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Fun fact: after that, a cult tries to program you, and you slip into an alternate reality.
LEO: Alternate realities exist? Fiammetta, this is the best day of my life.
VANESSA: (mildly concerned) That's a lot of red flags.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Fun fact: Nico, Zo, you'll go begging an old enemy for help.
NICO: (aghast) Which one?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Nuh uh. Not telling.
ZO: (deep voice) Two friends... will beg. (normal voice) Hm. I'll wear my nice robe.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Fun fact: Leo, you'll build a device with someone named Sophia, who was completely random and just dropped for the sake of the plot, because directors decided to add another female character, and neither of you can control it.
LEO: Sophia! Marvellous name. Who is Sophia?
NARRATOR (V.O.): Spoilers. Fun fact: you also try to outthink the entire Turkish army.
NICO: Of course. Why would anything be simple?
The camera turns slowly to the corner.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Girolamo, my love. You've been very quiet. Fun fact for you.
RIARIO: I would prefer no fact.
NARRATOR (V.O.): In season three, there's a serial killer the press calls the Monster of Italy. A Labyrinth ritual splits your mind in two, and the other half does the killing.
Silence. Riario has stopped blinking.
RIARIO: I... no.
NICO: Huh.
VANESSA: Honestly? That tracks.
ZO: Mild concern.
Leo turns away from the camera for the first time all morning.
LEO: Girolamo.
Riario grips the table. His hand is shaking.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Fun fact: Leo catches you. Then he chains you to a pillar, "for your own sake and for the sake of Florence," and tries to cure you.
LEO: ...That does sound like me.
RIARIO: (whisper) You will chain me.
LEO: For your own good.
ZO: That’s what they all say. Also, kinky.
NICO: (delighted) Leo's love language is restraints.
RIARIO: (to himself) I did not agree to this future.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Yeah, but viewers love to watch you suffer. Consider it as a personal trait. Fun fact: during that, Leo brings up your mother. And it works.
LEO: (horrified) I would never bring up his mother.
NARRATOR (V.O.): (deadpan) You do.
LEO: ...Then I'm sorry in advance.
Riario stares at the wall. A very long time passes.
ZO: Brutal.
VANESSA: Effective, though.
RIARIO: (so quietly) Stop. Please.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Last one. In the end, you drop your weapons and let a hostage go. You choose.
RIARIO: (barely) I chose?
ZO: Look at that. Free will, used for good. Once.
VANESSA: Don't get addicted.
RIARIO: I will try not to.
NARRATOR (V.O.): Fun fact: Lucrezia locks Lupo Mercuri in his own cage.
VANESSA: Good for her.
RIARIO: (softly) She would.
NARRATOR (V.O.): So, now, talk this through, my darlings.
NICO: So: the Pazzi plot. The wafers. Giuliano. Lucrezia's father. And now, a serial killer. Impressive range.
ZO: He's building a résumé.
RIARIO: (to the table) I am sitting right here.
The orb flies towards Girolamo and gently pats his hair. He turns his head up, staring at the orb with enormous eyes.
VANESSA: Nobody wants to tell him why we put up with him.
NICO: Leo gets sad when we don't.
ZO: Like a stray with a limp. You don't love it. But it's his.
LEO: (not looking, waving a hand) Be nice.
He drapes a blanket over Riario's shoulders, gently, without looking, then goes right back to the camera. Riario stares at the blanket like it might be a trap.
NARRATOR (V.O.): That’s all for now, I guess. Anything else?
Leo, upside down again, lunges for the camera.
NARRATOR (V.O.): No! Leo, away!
His boot flies off and lands in a candle cluster. Everything catches.
Everyone looks at Riario.
NICO: Well. At least it's not a cathedral this time.
ZO: Give him time.
RIARIO: I have been sitting in this corner for an hour.
LEO: (waving a hand, distracted) Girolamo, bucket.
Riario silently picks up the bucket labelled FIRE (ASSUME YES). He begins to put out the workshop.
ZO: (to camera, radiant) Thank you for watching. Like, subscribe, share, and ring the bell.
NICO: I am not the bell.
The bell rings.
The camera hovers a little too close to Zo's shoulder. Leo notices. His face falls.
LEO: She chose Zo.
NARRATOR (V.O.): It's not personal. (pats him on the head) It's engagement.
Unfortunately for the narrator, but fortunately for Leo and you, yes YOU, dear reader, the touch implanted flashes in Leo’s head. Very graphic flashes of NSFW scene with him and Girolamo that will DEFINITELY appear in this work.
Leo shrieks and lunges for the camera.
LEO: HEY! No, no, no! AGAIN!
The narrator dodges and moves the camera out of Leo’s reach. Zo poses. Nico counts the sponsors. Vanessa hauls water. Riario, soot-streaked, stops with the bucket and looks up at the orb.
RIARIO: (quietly) Does it... improve? The future.
NARRATOR (V.O.): I'm not allowed to say.
RIARIO: That is not an answer.
NARRATOR (V.O.): It's also not a no.
LEO: OH, it improves! It improves so fucking much! Please, come back here! I need that again!
The camera zips out the window. Leo runs after it with a chisel. Riario stands in the smoke, holding an empty bucket, wrapped in a blanket someone forgot to take back.