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When Supreme Chancellor Palpatine announced he would be taking a short diplomatic vacation to Naboo, Commander Fox immediately considered faking his death.
“You will accompany me, Commander,” Palpatine said pleasantly during a Senate session recess.
Fox stood at parade rest with the thousand-yard stare of a man who had not slept properly in six years. “With respect, sir, isn’t that what the Red Guard is for?”
Palpatine smiled. “I prefer the Coruscant Guard.”Fox internally began planning homicide.
Which was how he ended up trapped on Naboo for nine miserable days alongside Thire, Hound, Vale, Nox, Kicker, Brim, and Echoes. Seven excellent Guard troopers. Seven deeply unfortunate men.
The first problem was that Palpatine liked talking. The second problem was that nobody could stop him.
“Commander Fox,” Palpatine said over breakfast on day one, “have I ever told you about Nabooian canal infrastructure?”
Fox, who had previously been enjoying a perfectly good silence replied, “…No, sir.”
“I designed portions of the restoration initiative myself.”
Fox took a long sip of caf. This was going to end in murder.
By day two, morale had collapsed entirely.
“He cornered me for forty minutes,” Vale whispered hoarsely in the hallway.
Fox looked up from a datapad. “About?”
“Decorative fountains.”
There was a long moment of silence for Vale’s sanity. “Oh,” Fox said softly.
“Yeah.”
Nox looked actively traumatized. “He asked me if I’d ever considered poetry.”
Thire patted his shoulder gently. “I’m so sorry.”
On day three Palpatine discovered Hound liked massiffs. This was catastrophic.
“Did you know,” Hound whispered hollowly later that evening, “that the Chancellor owns seventeen massiff figurines?”
Fox slowly lowered his fork. “…Seventeen.”
“He named all of them.”
“Oh Force.”
Kicker entered the dining room looking pale. “He’s making me attend an opera tonight.”
The table fell silent. Brim crossed himself dramatically. Echoes handed Kicker an emergency stress ration. Fox looked toward the ceiling and asked the universe for strength.
“How,” Thire asked quietly, “is this somehow worse than guarding the Senate?”
Fox stared dead ahead into middle space. “Because now he has free time.”
The assassination planning meeting happened in the laundry room at 01:46 local time. Because apparently this was their lives now.
“We are not killing the Supreme Chancellor,” Thire said firmly.
Fox spread a schematic across a detergent crate. “Counterproposal.”
“Oh no.”
The others crowded around immediately. Not exactly because they supported murder… but they were all curious.
“What’s that?” Hound asked.
“The spa suite.”
“Why do you have the spa suite blueprints?”
Fox looked offended. “I did reconnaissance.”
“You scouted the Chancellor’s spa?”
“Yes.”
Vale pointed slowly. “…Is that an acid bath?”
Fox nodded once. “Naturally occurring mineral acid pool.”
Kicker blinked. “Why does Naboo HAVE that?”
“Naboo is a deeply strange planet.”
Thire rubbed both hands over his face. “We cannot dissolve the Chancellor.”
Fox pointed at him. “Not with that attitude.”
Nox looked nervous. “What if we get caught?”
Fox stared at him blankly. “We are the Coruscant Guard. We are one of the leading police forces in the Galaxy right now.”
Everyone nodded thoughtfully. He made a fair point.
Echoes squinted at the map. “Wait, Commander …did you label escape routes?”
Fox paused. “…Maybe.”
“You planned this before the trip started, didn’t you.”
Fox refused to answer that on legal grounds.
The meeting devolved rapidly after that.
“I’m just saying,” Brim argued, “if he talks about municipal zoning one more time, the Force itself will forgive us.”
“He made me hold his cape yesterday,” Vale muttered darkly.
“He corrected my posture,” Hound whispered.
“He asked me what my ‘dream career’ was,” Kicker said with visible horror.
Fox finally raised one hand and the room fell silent.
“He referred to us,” Fox said slowly, “as his ‘little senate soldiers.’”
Collective outrage exploded.
“The acid bath,” Thire said instantly. No one argued.
And somehow, against all logic, the plan worked.
Palpatine entered the spa chamber alone at precisely 22:13. The Guard moved with terrifying coordination. Vale disabled surveillance, Brim redirected staff, Kicker intercepted security rotations, Nox nearly threw up from stress, Echoes quietly muttered prayers for plausible deniability, and Thire was on lookout.
Fox entered the spa chamber to see Palpatine standing near the bubbling mineral pool in expensive robes looking horrifyingly relaxed.
“Commander Fox,” he said warmly. Fox closed the door behind him. “You seem tense.”
Fox stared at him, and didn’t speak for a long moment. “Supreme Chancellor,” he said calmly, “with all due respect…”
“Yes?”
“You are the single most exhausting being in the known galaxy.”
Palpatine blinked. “What?”
Fox shoved him into the acid bath. Then there was screaming. A lot of screaming. Force, why was this stuff so quick acting? Weren’t people supposed to bathe in this?? Oh well, he didn’t really care.
Fox stood there staring into the bubbling acid with the exhausted cadence of a man who had finally snapped like an overstretched cable.
“…thank Force,” he said quietly.
Then the side doors exploded as all of his corries tumbled in.
“FOX!” Thire shouted.
Fox winced. “What?”
“The Jedi are here!” Nox yelped.
Fox stared ahead blankly. “…Why?”
“Apparently Palpatine is a Sith Lord! Well… was.”
There was a long silence as Fox slowly looked down at the pretty much dissolved Chancellor. Then back at his Corries.
“…You have got to be kidding me.”
The doors exploded inward seconds later. Half the Jedi Order stormed into the room with lightsabers ignited: Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Plo Koon, Kit Fisto, and Aayla Secura, all fully prepared for battle. All immediately stopping dead.
Because standing beside a bubbling acid bath with an almost done dissolving Chancellor/Sith Lord in it was Commander Fox and seven Guard members, the former looking mildly inconvenienced and the latters incredibly nervous.
Anakin pointed immediately. “…Is that Palpatine soup?”
Fox sighed heavily. “Yes.”
Mace looked from the acid bath to Fox. Then back to the acid bath. “…Commander.”
Fox straightened automatically. “Yes, Master Windu?”
“…Why is the Chancellor melting?”
Fox answered without hesitation. “We murdered him because we discovered he was a Sith Lord.”
Thire nodded aggressively. “Very evil Sith Lord.”
“Super evil,” Vale added.
“Crazy evil,” Brim agreed.
“He liked poetry,” Nox muttered darkly.
Obi-Wan blinked several times. “You…knew.”
Fox gestured vaguely. “The vibes were off.”
Kit Fisto turned away immediately because he was starting to laugh. Plo Koon’s shoulders were shaking suspiciously.
Anakin pointed at the acid bath again. “You dissolved the Supreme Chancellor!”
Fox looked confused. “He was a Sith.”
“That’s not the part I’m stuck on!”
Mace narrowed his eyes, not totally buying it. “And your first instinct was murder?”
Fox paused thoughtfully. “…Second instinct.”
“What was the first?”
“Enduring it quietly.”
Aayla finally spoke. “…How exactly did you kill Darth Sidious?”
The entire Guard unit froze. Kriff, they all thought in unison.
“Uh-“
“Uhm.”
“Er-“
“Lightsaber duel.”
Thire made a choking noise loud enough to echo. Fox closed his eyes and accepted their fate.
Mace stared. “You fought a Sith Lord. With a lightsaber.”
Might as well run with it. “Yes.”
“You.”
“Yes.”
“Where is the lightsaber?”
Fox glanced at the acid bath. Then back at Mace.
“…Evidence disposal.”
There was a beat of complete silence. Then Anakin broke first. He laughed so hard he had to lean against Obi-Wan.
“That is NOT a Jedi answer,” he wheezed.
Fox crossed his arms. “Good thing I’m not a Jedi.”
Obi-Wan lost composure immediately afterwards. Kit Fisto outright doubled over laughing. Even Aayla looked one step away from tears.
Mace stood in the center of the room staring at the dissolved Sith Lord, the blatantly lying Coruscant Guard, and the Jedi Order collectively losing professionalism.
Then very slowly, he rubbed a hand over his face.
“…Fine,” he said at last.
Fox blinked. “…Fine?”
“The Sith Lord is dead.” Mace gestured toward the bubbling acid. “The Republic is safe.” Another pause. Then he pointed directly at Fox. “But Commander, I need you to understand that this is the most insane thing I have ever witnessed.”
Fox considered that carefully. “…That’s fair.”