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To distract himself from Jeremy and Laila’s graduation, Jean reluctantly obliges their request to attend LA’s Pride parade in the middle of June. Jeremy drives their little group toward West Hollywood, three of them decked out in obnoxiously bright colors and hefty glitter. Cat put a towel over the seat so as to not get pink and orange sparkles all over Jeremy’s car, but Jean can see some staining the side of the door when they get out.
Jean himself refused to go outside looking like a box of variety crayons vomited all over him, but he allowed a rainbow lei over a white T-shirt with black shorts, and a small bisexual colored heart sticker over where his tattoo had been, courtesy of Laila. He doesn’t know what to expect when he gets out of the car, but even from where they’re parked a few blocks from the actual parade, he can hear the thunderous boom of drums and the bass of loud blasted music.
“Geez, I hope the party didn’t start without us,” Cat says, eagerly straining her neck to see over rows of busy streets.
Jeremy checks his watch with a playful grin. “It’s ten A.M. I think we’re good.”
“Still! Don’t want to miss anything! C’mon, babe, let’s go!” Cat grabs Laila’s wrist and drags her with excitement. Jean watches them cross a busy street without waiting for the pedestrian sign, and gives Jeremy an exasperated look.
Jeremy only smiles wider. “We better follow so they don’t leave us in the dirt. Ready?”
Jean is most certainly not, but he agreed to this and refuses to back down on his promise. Although he’s gotten better at accepting himself without past transgressions weighing him down, being so open where everyone can see leaves a knot in his stomach. He tells himself it’s okay and breathes in the cool, dry air of Los Angeles.
They eventually catch up to Cat and Laila waiting at a blocked-off road reserved for parade goers. Jean grips the edge of a construction barricade until his knuckles turn white. To have entire streets blocked off just for something like this? It’s almost unbelievable.
“What’re you thinking, Jean?” Laila asks.
Jean stares at her, taking in the glittery skin and short shorts with a promiscuously cropped top. Cat is dressed even more scandalously, exposing all of her stomach with the crocheted cover that stops midway to show off the entirety of her bikini top. Jeremy isn’t any better, completely forgoing a shirt entirely with shorts that ride so high up on his legs that Jean can barely contain his wandering gaze.
He looks over at other passerby flocking in, everyone similarly drowning in rainbows and revealing clothing.
Jean says the first thing that comes to mind: “I feel out of place.”
Jeremy frowns at him. “How so?”
Jean gestures aimlessly around him. “Everyone is so… free? I feel like the confidence I’ve gained is nothing compared to this…” He trails off, not knowing the correct word to describe such a feeling.
Cat walks over and places a chaste kiss on his shoulder. “That’s why you’re here, babe. Don’t worry about it too much. I promise a place like this is the last place someone will judge for that. Now! Let’s go look at the snacks!”
She drags Jean through empty roads until they reach a large patch of grass with tons of food stalls set up. They carefully browse through each one, looking over the types and deciding which options are the least intolerable. Going through it together makes the process less daunting, because although Jean has indulged in the occasional sweet treat since the start of the new year, old habits die extremely hard.
He gets a fruit dessert with chocolate drizzle over the top—a compromise with the lesser evil. He snaps a quick photo of the elegant arrangement with the booth’s stall sign in the background and sends it to Renee. She tells him to have fun and stay safe with a conspicuous winking face at the end.
Jeremy jogs over to them with an atrociously large ice cream bowl, and Laila shortly follows with one of her boba teas the color of a sunset. Together, they walk away from the food area down a street dedicated to item vendors on the block adjacent to where the actual parade is being held.
Jean idly scans through the options: fans with the flags on them, pins, buttons, jewelry, shirts with offensive innuendos, and harnesses that don’t look suitable for children who are also in attendance. He’s half amazed by the flaunted debauchery, and half turned off. Jeremy senses his dilemma and pats him on the back. “I’ve only come here once, back in high school, before my parents had a tight leash on me. Just ignore it.”
He tries and focuses on Jeremy instead, watching as he bounces between booths with excitement. It’s the same expression he wears when playing with Jab; Jeremy had tried convincing them to bring him to the festival, but the actual parade doesn’t allow dogs that aren’t service animals. Jeremy had compromised by shoving Jab into a rainbow tutu and taking a photo to print out and frame as they’d done with Barkbark. The ridiculousness is out of this world, but Jean instinctively relaxes at the fond memory.
Cat and Laila disappear to browse further down the street, leaving Jean to look through options with Jeremy. He doesn’t shop as much as he spends time trying to convince Jeremy not to by something completely foolish, like a pride flag with Danny Devito’s face printed on it. Jean scoffs and physically drags him away from the monstrosity.
“Oh, c’mon, Jean! Let’s have a little fun!” Jeremy pouts. Jean turns his face so he doesn’t have to bear the guilt of causing an expression that Jeremy is definitely exaggerating to try to get his way.
“Fun is different than foolishness. Do not embarrass me,” Jean says.
Jeremy’s mischievous grin is the only warning Jean gets before he places a kiss on Jean’s cheek. “I’d never.”
Being kissed still sprouts waves of buzzing nerves through his veins, even after dating for almost two months now—in public, even more so. Jean hopes his flushed face is assumed to be from the harsh sun and walks away from a laughing Jeremy.
Cat and Laila return with an obscene amount of bags, from apparel to new housewares. Laila wears a lesbian flag tied around her neck like a cape, while Cat added a handful of necklaces and bracelets to her attire. “Men are so boring. Accessorize a little, would you?” Cat teases.
Jean points to the lei around his shoulders. “This is an accessory.”
“Barely,” Laila says playfully.
Jeremy wanders to a nearby booth with jewelry. He picks up two matching bracelets, different colors with the same silver heart charm. “Rainbow for me, purple, pink, and blue for you. Want it?” He asks with a smile.
Jean takes the tri-colored bracelet and examines it under the sun. Having a label to put on feelings he’s harbored and shoved down for so many years still feels so surreal. He brushes a thumb over the heart charm, imagining what it’d be like walking around with Jeremy having a matching part of the set. “I like it.”
Jeremy smiles and buys the bracelets. They put them on, and Jean holds his wrist next to Jeremy’s, turning so the hearts clang together. It’s nothing compared to Cat and Laila’s overly glam look, and it’s more subtle than it is exposing, but it’s something he and Jeremy own together.
“Looks good on you,” Jeremy says. Jean wraps his hand into Jeremy’s, clinging with the strength of someone eager to jump into his skin. He craves the proximity, the touch, the knowledge that Jeremy is his, and Jean is Jeremy’s. Jean hesitates, unaccustomed to public affection, but gathers enough courage to kiss the top of Jeremy’s hand anyway, watching as the silver heart charms dangle as Jean brings their wrists near his mouth and back down.
“Gay,” Laila says affectionately.
Jeremy playfully swats her away. “Like you’re one to talk. C’mon, let’s see if we can get a good view of the parade before it starts.”
They cross another closed-off intersection to a large stretch of road already bustling with an impending crowd. As the tallest of the group, Jean leads the way to an empty spot right at the barricade under the shade of a large palm tree. After claiming their spots, they sit down on the cement while waiting for the parade to start.
“Man, I remember last year, it wasn’t as busy,” Cat says, using a spoon to steal some of Jeremy’s ice cream. “Thank goodness we came earlier this year.”
Laila hums in agreement. “Gosh, remember the stampede that almost happened during one of the after parties? It was nuts.”
Jean listens to their stories with awe and trepidation. Jeremy slyly rubs a hand over Jean’s knee when he notices Jean is silent for too long. He puts a hand over Jeremy’s in silent thanks.
A cheer from further down the street causes them to jump to their feet. Loud drums sound from a mile away, but loud enough for them to pick up. Jean leans over the barricade and spots the start of the parade about two blocks down. “It’s starting, it’s starting!” Cat cheers, and the four of them pack tightly together as more attendees shove their way into the crowd.
The parade itself leaves Jean speechless for most of it. He didn’t know so many companies and groups would participate in such a thing. A reserved part of himself believes it mostly to be a facade to gather attention, but the grandiose bands and performances of local charities and organizations are entertaining enough to ignore his internal suspicion. He suspends his disbelief for now, content with living in the moment.
He watches drag queens sway large fans. Firetrucks cruise by with rainbow lights strung around them. Some dance and sing as they pass, while others strut up to the barricade to pass out freebies. After an hour, Jean had acquired more bracelets than he could hold on one wrist, pins, mini flags, beaded necklaces, and other miscellaneous trinkets he shoved into his nearly filled bag.
Organizations hand out fliers for petitions to legalize gay marriage. Most of the signs are as light-hearted as they are supportive, but he’s surprised to see a lot of calls to action. Growing up at Edgar Allan meant no voice was heard, so he always thought speaking out to be futile. Seeing so many, and so loud, warms his chest in a way he cannot describe.
“How are they so loud?” Jean asks to no one in particular.
They stare at him, confused, before Jeremy gets the hint and says, “Because they’re not alone.”
It’s a simple answer, and cliché to the point where Jean immediately tries to dismiss it. But being surrounded by so many people with the same problems, in the same community, using their voices for the same cause—it clashes against everything he’s ever learned.
“Not alone…” Jean echoes into the air, testing out the words on his inexperienced tongue. He turns and grabs Jeremy’s hand, letting their fingers connect together and sway gently as they watch the parade. Cat and Laila have been in a side hug the entire time, to the other side of Jean, exchanging short kisses whenever they can. Cat notices his glance and winks at him. not alone.
Halfway through, an NCAA group dedicated to the West Coast waves rainbow colored Exy racquets as they pass by. They surround an open truck with more supporters and volunteers throwing fake, fabric-made Exy balls into the crowd. Jean catches one and reads out ERC PRIDE. A slight smile forms at the thought of how the master would react to such a thing—a perilous thought, but one Jean can laugh back at. He’s here now, gripping a faux Exy squish ball painted with the colors of a rainbow; he puts it in his bag immediately.
“Holy shit, is that coach!” Cat yells. Jean follows her gaze to Rhemann walking down the line with Adi. Rhemann turns toward Cat’s voice and offers a friendly, albeit surprised, wave. Adi jogs over to them with a bright smile and hands out lollipops with quick greetings. He shuffles back to his spot next to Rhemann, walking side by side as they wave an Exy racquet toward both sides of the crowd.
Jean looks to Jeremy. “Did you know about that?”
“Not a clue. I knew they’d been here before, but I didn’t know it was part of the actual parade. I wonder what the ERC thinks…”
Laila shrugs and says, “I’m sure they don’t know. Let’s keep it that way, yeah?”
They nod and continue watching the parade. For the last hour, the performances only get louder and more involved. People blow bubbles and splash water, yelling chants and rants through megaphones. USC’s band pops by, and Jean recognizes some of them from past Exy games. At one point, someone offers up a bottle of lube, which Jeremy snatches before anyone can get to it with a poor attempt at nonchalance.
Jean eyes him curiously. They haven’t gotten far enough to use it yet, as they’ve been too busy trying to decipher Jean’s qualms and triggers to do anything more than lazily make out and experiment with wandering touches. A flutter flips his chest inside out when he watches Jeremy pocket it with a sheepish grin; Jean leans in and kisses his boyfriend’s worries away.
The parade ends with a dramatic speech from the closing group—a local charity dedicated to supporting the Trevor Project. Jean listens in fascination, accepting a business card from one of the volunteers. He carefully traces a line over the number with a trembling finger, one he can’t tell if it’s from excitement or anxiety.
“So? What do you guys think?” Cat asks as people leave their spots to go to other events of the celebration.
Jeremy points out his favorite parts of the parade, including the different freebies he got. He flaunts a rainbow sticker he placed on his right chest, and Jean tries not to stare too hard at the placement. They all turn to Jean unexpectedly, and that’s when he realizes he’s supposed to answer as well.
Jean takes a moment to come up with a response. They wait carefully as he combs through the different emotions of the day: excitement at this newfound entertainment, shock at the discrepancies between his life on each of America’s coasts, the jealousy of those with flags attached to skin and posters demanding change to a power so high, Jean still thinks the results to be unachievable.
He thinks of having to hide his shame, of the failure of getting caught, and the consequences that came with it. He thinks of how much easier it is to look back and how lighter the weight in his chest feels, and how comforted he is knowing he has others to help lift that weight when it’s too much to bear alone.
Jean turns to Jeremy, lips buzzing with affection. The freckled skin, the toothy grin, the damaged hair with overgrown roots, and safe brown eyes glistening a few shades lighter in the sun—they’re his. He leans forward and grabs the back of Jeremy’s head with two hands, carding his fingers through the hair just to make sure it’s there.
“Hi,” Jeremy giggles. Jean immediately leans forward for a kiss. Jeremy tastes faintly of ice cream, and Jean shoves his tongue deep in Jeremy's mouth to gather as much of that flavor as he can, sucking until his own lips turn red from the friction. They pull apart, and Jean’s hunger for more only grows stronger. mine. it’s real. it’s really mine.
“I can have this,” Jean says quietly, a hesitant admission of the reality he still holds with unsteady fingers. Jeremy kisses his lips again, then moves to his jawline, to his collarbone, skipping his neck to peck at his lobe.
Jeremy’s hot breath in his ear sends a shiver down Jean’s spine. “You can have anything you want, Jean. It’s okay to take. Take pride in who you’ve become, too, okay? You deserve this.”
take…
Everyone has taken from Jean, taken until he became a shell stuffed full with the Raven’s demons. California drained him dry and refilled him with the joys and beauties of life, giving him another chance at what he once thought of as lost forever. He’s always given, shredded away at his own soul to please and satisfy others, not once getting the opportunity to have a say.
take…
Jean takes Jeremy’s lips for another kiss, more desperate than before. His fingers shake, and he almost feels trapped in a body acting out of his mind, but Jeremy’s hand to his waist helps ground him as they’re pulled together in a tight hold. Jean doesn’t want to let go, but a high-pitched cough has them both reluctantly pulling away.
“I think we should go,” Cat says blankly. “You two have fun. Stay safe and wear protection and all that. We’re going to stop at some of the sapphic parties a little further away from Hollywood, and probably take a taxi back. Bye!”
Cat skips away with a smug Laila following short behind. Jean frowns at Jeremy, a little lost on what to do next, but Jeremy instantly takes Jean’s hands for another hold.
“Want to explore more?”
Jean nods and follows him through thick crowds and noisy block parties. As the afternoon passes by, the smell of weed gets stronger, and they have to take a detour around the side to avoid the strong scent. Jeremy doesn’t seem to mind, but Jean still feels guilty for needing to be accommodated so strongly.
“Hey,” Jeremy flicks his temple. “I can hear your thoughts. What’s going on?”
Jean huffs. “Why are you asking if you can hear my thoughts?”
“It’s a figure of speech!”
Jeremy shakes his head affectionately and pulls out a flier with information on some of the events happening in the area. He’d snagged it off a stranger handing them out near a hotdog stand not too long ago. “Let’s see… there’s a concert at five. A dance party in that large grassy area from earlier, that’s around the same time. Though the back is mostly after parties, once it gets dark outside. You interested in any of that?”
Jean accepts the flier from Jeremy and looks it over. His eyes sting from being in the sun for so long, and his stomach aches from all the processed food; he’ll need to go on a salad-only diet for a week to recover from this madness. Today is the day to let loose, though, and so far, he’s doing a good job at accepting that. A concert might overwhelm him too much, but dancing is something he’d rather tie a noose for than participate in. But he doesn’t want to be a downer, so he hands it back to Jeremy with a wry, “You choose.”
Jeremy doesn’t look satisfied, but looks it over once more regardless. “If I’m being honest, I’m not picky. As long as I’m spending Pride with you, nothing else matters.”
His heart pounds at the confession. Jean stops to drag Jeremy into another deep kiss. By now, the shape of their lips has been imprinted on each other from how often they keep clashing like this, but Jean is never satisfied, always eager to devour more. more. more. more.
“I want more,” Jean says without thought.
Jeremy tilts his head in confusion. “More what?”
Jean freezes. He knows the answer deep down, but hasn’t figured out a way to say it. More of Jeremy, more of this day’s freedom, more of everything he’s seen so far to reassure him that it’s okay to be himself. He bites his lip and looks away, stiffening when Jeremy holds both his shoulders in a firm grip.
“Jean. You can talk to me. More of what?”
Jean closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to face the consequences of his honesty. “Of you.”
Jeremy’s tightened fingers are the only indication of a reaction. His hands slowly work their way up to Jean’s shoulders, then carefully around Jean’s face in a gentle hold. “Jean. Look at me.”
He opens his eyes. Jeremy’s face is as bright and accepting as he expected, but for some reason, that just makes him even more nervous. Jean loses himself in the shade of safe brown, swimming until he finds an anchor to hold onto.
“I want more of you, too,” Jeremy says again. “I want everything to do with you. But I’ll only ever take what you’re offering, okay? So you have to be specific.”
Jean doesn’t think he can. Instead of a real answer, he offers a vague, “Tonight. I will tell you tonight.”
“You want to go to an after-party?” Jeremy asks excitedly.
Jean nods. “We can. Whatever you choose, I will follow.”
Jeremy’s smile shines with a subtle, mischievous glint to it. He uses his grip to pull Jean’s face in closer for a quick kiss. They pull apart, and Jean melts at Jeremy’s fond expression. “Looks like the party has barely even started.”