Archive of Our Own

 Grace have mate? Question.

I thought of Tom, of how he let his hair grow out between movies so I would have something to keep my hands busy during movie nights. I thought of his bright eyes and his blinding smile. How his laugh could fill a room, stop people dead in their tracks.

“Yeah, bud.” I nodded. “I guess I do. Tom.”

Grace not know? Question.

“It’s, uhm…” I buzzed my lips. “Complicated. He works with my brother. We’re not married, or anything.”

Explain.

“What, married?” I sighed. “Marriage is, uh, it’s a ceremony. Two people can exchange vows and promise to stay together forever in front of the people they love.”

Rocky clicked his foreclaw in a way that I now recognized as confused. Tom and Grace not want to stay together?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

I sighed, head in my hands as Colt pranced about the set he’d dragged me to. The bench I was sitting on creaked, and I looked up to the very welcome sight of Jody, offering me a styrofoam cup of coffee.

“You are an angel.” I took the cup from her, sighing happily at the warmth that radiated through my hands. “I don’t know how you guys work in these conditions.”

She chuckled, taking a sip from her own cup. “If we stop Ryder throws a fit. Or Gail brings down hell,” she shrugged.

I snapped my fingers. “Makes sense.” I took a drink— she remembered my order. I hummed happily.

“Colt works better when you’re around.” Jody crossed her legs, settling into a more comfortable position. “He likes to show off for you.”

“I wish he didn’t,” I sighed. “Just thinking about everything that could go wrong…” I shivered, this time not because of the cold.

She patted my shoulder, smiling softly. “We have precautions.”

“I know.”

“Well, well, well!” Bounding up to us was a man I was semi-familiar with. I’d seen his movies, if only to watch Colt’s stunts. “We have a visitor.” He grinned, all charming glint and perfect teeth. “Judy—”

“Jody,” she corrected under her breath.

“—You must introduce us!” Tom Ryder held his hand out, and I stood to shake it.

Jody stood up as well, plastering on a smile. “Tom, this is Ryland. Colt’s brother.”

“That’s why you look so familiar!” He patted me on the shoulder. “You are much more handsome, though,” he winked.

I blinked. “We’re twins.”

Jody stifled a laugh in a cough, swatting my arm. “Colt just wanted him here for Christmas, you know.”

“And he left you alone?” Ryder tutted to himself. “We can’t have that. Come on, you can have dinner with me while Colt finishes up.”

“I’m supposed to have dinner with my brother.” I raised my hands. “Really, I’m okay.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” He shook his head. “We’ll have an early dessert, then. I can have Gail order us some crème brûlée.” His arm looped around mine, settling into the crook of my elbow.

I glanced at Jody, silently begging for help, but she just shook her head. “I’ll see you at dinner, Ry,” she called after us.

You’re the worst! I mouthed over my shoulder.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“It’s not that, Rock.” I sat criss-cross-apple-sauce in front of his xenonite ball. “Humans don’t always mate—” I said the word even though it felt wrong. “—for life. Sometimes we love each other, and things just don’t work out.”

Why things not work out? Question.

I stayed quiet for a moment. Why didn’t things work out? The distance, I thought. We were an hour and a half apart, by plane, and that was when he was in LA. Or maybe it was Gail. She’d never liked me— thought the optics of Tom dating someone who looked identical to his stunt double were less than optimal.

“I don’t know,” I finally admitted. “We had our problems, like everyone does.”

Rocky and Adrian have problems. Things work out.

I laid my head in my hands. “Yeah, bud. Some people are luckier than others, I guess.”

Grace lucky. Grace meet Rocky. He tapped twice on the xenonite.

“I mean with romance. My track record is…” I sucked my teeth. “Not great.”

Grace have multiple mates? He cocked his carapace to one side.

“Not at the same time.” I thought of Stratt, but shoved the thought away. Nope, not today. I could process that later. “You know, throughout my life.”

Tom was Grace first mate? I was getting better at understanding the tonal indications of Eridian. Sometimes, he liked to test me: omitting the signifier to see if I could still understand.

I winced. “Yeah, bud. Tom was my first boyfriend.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Which… at my age, isn’t exactly something to be proud of.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Halfway through our third movie of the night (yet another that Tom starred in), I was beginning to doze off. Even the e-book on the other side of my lap, switched on to dark mode so Tom wouldn’t see it, and the movements of my fingers through his hair weren’t enough to keep my attention.

I kissed him on the forehead, then patted his side gently. I stretched as he shifted out of the way, turning to look at me. “Where’re you going?” He whined, eyebrows furrowed over puppy-dog eyes.

“Bed.” I answered simply, ruffling his hair. He’d spent a lot of time in the sun over the last few weeks of shooting, and his roots were two or three shades darker than the end of his hair. “I’ve got class tomorrow.”

He frowned. “I fly back to LA tomorrow,” he argued, properly sitting up now. “I wanna spend time with you.”

I sighed. “I know, Tom. And I— I want to spend time with you too.” I pulled at the hem of my sweater. “But I have to work tomorrow, and I don’t want to be tired and cranky all day.”

“Then call off!”

He truly thought it was that simple. I couldn’t fault him for it, necessarily: there hadn’t been a day in his life that he had worked a “normal” job. “It’s not that easy, babe.” I leaned in to kiss him, but he pulled away, petulant. “Tom.”

“Ryland,” he mimicked my tone, crossing his arms over his chest. “Fine, go to sleep. I’ll watch the movie on my own.”

“Baby,” I spoke softly, like I might to one of my students. “You don’t want to cuddle?”

Tom glared at me. “You’re manipulating me.”

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

He huffed, but sat up. “I bet Colt would watch the rest of the movie with me.”

“You and Colt barely tolerate each other at work,” I reminded him. “Come on,” I held out my hand.

With a roll of his eyes, he acquiesced.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Rocky first mate Adrian, he argued back.

“Right, but…” I waved my hands in the air, floundering. “It’s like how I don’t have any pilot experience. I’m not as good at it.”

Rocky stomped his foot against the bottom of his ball. Grace self-deprecate again.

I really shouldn’t have taught him that.

“I guess.” I pursed my lips, thinking. “Maybe it just felt that way,” I allowed. “Tom was a movie star. A really popular one. He’d dated like a million people before me. And probably had sex with about twice as many.”

Grace and Tom problems were about procreation?

“No!” I groaned. “I mean— no.” I huffed. “We just were at two different points in our life, and we lived far away from each other, and, I mean, my brother didn’t even like him—”

Rocky rolled the xenonite ball forward. Grace brother, Colt, choose Grace’s mate?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“I just don’t get it.” Colt shrugged, taking a bite out of his hamburger. “I mean, he’s a stuck-up jackass.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” I chided, sucking the last of my Coke through my straw. “And don’t call him a jackass. He’s really not.”

He laughed. “He really is.” He leaned back in the plastic chair. “He still calls Jody Judy, you know?”

I winced, staring at my fry as I dipped it in ketchup. “And that’s not great,” I admitted. “But he took a flight all the way to San Francisco just to surprise my kids after state testing. And, well, to surprise me. He does stuff like that, too.”

“So ‘cause he’s nice to you,” he pointed an accusatory fry at me. “He gets a free pass to be an asshole to everyone else?”

I held my hands up. “Could you stop with the swearing? We’re in public,” I whispered. I sighed, looking up at the popcorn ceiling. “He’s trying, Colt. Thirty years of bad habits are hard to break. We both know he’s been better.”

“It’s a low bar.” Colt raised an eyebrow. “Do you really wanna be with someone like that?”

“Colt,” I pleaded.

He raised his hands in mock surrender. “Just saying.”

My phone buzzed: a text from Tom.

Coming back to LA tmrw

Meet halfway?

I grinned, typing my agreement when Colt’s hand hit the top of my phone, pushing it to the table. “Earth to Ryland.” He waved his hand in front of my face. “You’re having lunch with your brother, remember?” 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“Of course not, Rock.” My elbows dug into my thighs as I leaned forward. “But, you know, it’s always nice when your family likes who you love.”

Would Colt like Stratt?

I froze. “We agreed not to talk about that.”

You agreed. He made a motion with his forelegs, one that was meant to mimic a human shrug.

“You’re the worst, Rocky.”

I’m the only Rocky.

I threw a pen at him. It bounced harmlessly off the xenonite. “I didn’t say it was a requirement,” I said. “Only that it makes things easier. Especially because Colt knew Tom first.”

Rocky rolled in a circle around me. I let him. Sometimes, he needed to move to think. He reminded me of Colt when he was like this: always moving around, seeking optimum arousal before he could complete a thought. Rocky has question.

I sighed, suddenly feeling like I was back in my classroom. “What is it, Rock?”

Grace love Tom, yes?

“Yeah.”

Grace love Colt?

“Of course.”

And they love Grace?

Loved, my brain oh-so-helpfully corrected, but I just shook my head. “I certainly hope so, bud.”

On Erid, he began, chittering to keep my attention. Like jingling keys in front of a baby. Mate is family.

“I see where you’re going, Rocky.” I nodded. “But it just doesn’t work like that. Sure, I guess some people could have called them brothers-in-law, but that doesn’t magically make them tolerate each other.”

He curled his forelegs underneath him, whistling. Not even for Grace?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“I’m going to kill your brother.”

“Tom, please just calm—” The glare Tom sent me shut me up. “Sorry. Can you tell me what Colt did? I’m sure he didn’t mean—”

“Oh my God.” He slammed the bottle of rum down on the countertop of his home bar, turning to face me properly. “What if he did mean it, Ryland? What then?”

I raised my hands, opening up my posture purposefully. “I don’t even know what’s going on.”

Tom rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter if I tell you or not. You’re going to pick his side.”

“There’s no sides!” I exclaimed, amazed that I had to explain it. “We’re adults, Tom. We can have a mature conversation about this.”

He turned back away from me, pouring the rum into a glass. “He’s screwing up takes on purpose.”

I blinked. “What?”

“He’s pissed that I’m hanging out with Jody more and he’s pissed that we’re together, so he’s fucking up my movie.” Tom took a deep swig. “You can see his face in like, every take.”

“Tom…” I shook my head. “Look, I don’t know a ton about entertainment, but I do know that mistakes happen in every industry.”

“Not like this,” he groaned. “You keep making excuses for him!”

I sat down at the island, running my fingers through my hair. “He’s my brother, Tom.” I looked up at him through my eyelashes. “The only family I’ve got.”

That really didn’t help.

“Oh.” Tom straightened. “So, we’re not family?”

“You know what I mean,” I sighed. “I have to defend him, because he would do the same for me.”

“So would I!”

“I know.” I let my head fall against the marble counter, burying my face in my arms. Ouch. “I know,” I murmured, muffled into my arm. “We’re codependent and we’re assholes to each other and he’s an asshole to you and it’s not fair but it… it’s how it is.”

I heard Tom perch on the counter and felt him staring at me. “Is it because of… you know?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

His hand settled gently on my scalp, massaging it slowly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” I shook my head into the countertop. “I am.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“It’s not that they chose not to, Rock.”

Rocky trilled, ready to debate, but I shook my head.

“Colt is overprotective. It’s annoying and unreasonable. But it’s not like I can fault him for it.” I uncrossed my legs, staring at my feet so I didn’t have to look at Rocky directly. “I told you about our dad. About Courtland. After he went to jail, it was like something in Colt switched on. He was the oldest, I guess, and needed to prove to himself that he could take care of us both when Court couldn’t.”

He let out a low sound that I now understood as comforting, and rolled closer, bumping against the side of my leg. Grace leak.

I realized with a start that I was crying and rubbed the heels of my hands into my eyes harshly. “Sorry, bud.” I hiccupped. “I just miss…”

Miss who?

I leaned against Rocky’s hamster ball, and he slumped to the same side. Even through the xenonite, I could feel his warmth flush against me. “Earth,” I admitted. “Colt and Tom and…”

Stratt.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

He made a sound just outside of what I could register. I felt him vibrate, but couldn’t exactly hear it. Stratt hurt Grace.

“Yeah, bud, she did.”

Grace still loves Stratt?

I didn’t answer. Couldn’t, really.

Question, he added.

“I know.” I closed my eyes, relishing the warmth that spread through the smooth panes. “I do. Still love her.”

Grace still loves Tom?

I nodded.

He trilled. Good thing Grace can stay on Erid. He bobbed his carapace up and down in an approximation of a nod. Complicated.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

I sat in front of the camera, straightening my cardigan and making sure my hair looked okay. I looked down at the list I had in front of me:

• Colt
• Tom
• Jody

I turned on the camera.

“Hey big brother.”

I paused, like he could answer, taking a deep breath to steal myself. “I don’t know when this will get back to you. There’s one beetle left here that I can send back to Earth. We’re just about 15 light years away from you guys; it’ll be a little over 16 once we reach Erid.”

“Whoever receives these will give them to you guys, I hope. I’m adding a written letter to whichever government authority gets to the beetle first.” I swallowed thickly. “I really miss you, Colt. Stratt left a letter in here, letting my know that you didn’t actually die. Which was good. And it sucked, in its own way.”

“I didn’t volunteer. I know Stratt made sure everyone thought I did, but I just want you to know I didn’t choose to leave. I tried to stay. Fought like hell, I promise.” I laughed to myself. Rocky hummed in the other room.

“I hope Jody’s good. I’m gonna film one for her, too, but you know. Hope things between you two are good. That you didn’t mess it up again.” I tore off the corner of the paper, ripping it into progressively smaller shreds. “It’s been, what, thirty years for you? At the time of filming this, at least. It’s only been about eight for me.”

“We’re starting to run out of food,” I admitted. “By we I mean me. Rocky’s got more than enough.” I leaned farther back in my chair so I could bring my knees to my chest. “So I just wanted to make sure I could say my last words to you guys before I go delirious from starvation.”

I chuckled. Colt wouldn’t find it funny: he’d hate me joking about it.

“Anyways, man, I love you.” I wiped my palms on my pants. “You and Rocky would get on like a house on fire. He’s picking up English sarcasm fast.”

I shrugged, staring at the pile of paper shavings I had created. “I’m not sure what else to say. If there’s anything else to say. Just… I love you. I miss you.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

• Colt
• Tom
• Jody

This was probably going to be the hardest.

“Hi,” I said simply, staring at the camera. “You’re gonna have to bear with me, babe, I’m not a natural on camera like you are.”

I shifted in my seat, digging my nails into my palms to ward away tears. “Hi, Tom. I know it’s been a few years— well, it’s been decades, for you, but for me it’s been a few years. I’m sure you’re all moved on, and everything, but—”

Harsh tapping echoed through the lab as Rocky stomped at me.

“Uhm, sorry. This is Rocky.” I reached up to adjust the camera so Rocky was screen. He waved with his fifth leg, and I turned it back on me. “Anyways. I kind of sucked. You were right, I did always take Colt’s side. I’m sorry.”

I rubbed my fingers against my jaw. “I really, really love you, you know? Did since you dragged me into your trailer that first day.” The memory drew a wet laugh from me, and I ran my finger absentmindedly along the straight line of shredded paper I’d arranged at the desk. “Stratt— the Hail Mary director— put all sorts of movies up here. I watch them with Rocky, sometimes, and it’s nice to see your face. I can tell which ones we were together for; your hair is always longer in them.”

“It’s also nice to think about you and Colt working together and getting along. I’m sure even my supposed imminent death might not be enough to do it, but you can’t blame a guy for dreaming.” I smile sadly. “I really hope you’re doing okay, Tom. Better, at least, now that you don’t have to deal with my crud.”

I chuckled. “Even in space, I can’t bring myself to swear.” It’d been something that had equally enamored and annoyed him. “I wanted to call you, before they sent me up here. Didn’t know if you’d want me too, though, so I didn’t. No greater mood killer than your ex calling you about potentially going on a suicide mission.”

I sounded crazy, I realized. Maybe years in space with no human contact had fried my brains. I cleared my throat with a cough. “Goodbye, Tom. Hope you’re doing okay.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

• Colt
• Tom
• Jody

“I know what you’re thinking,” I started, already raising my hands in surrender. “That I’m a stupid, self-sacrificing idiot who didn’t think this all the way through.” I raised an eyebrow. “Pretty close, eh?”

“I already told Colt this, in his video, but in case you’re not together or he doesn’t tell you, I didn’t volunteer. I was kind of forced up here.”

Another stomp in the background.

“I was forced up here,” I corrected, glancing back at Rocky with a grin. “I hope you’re good, Jody. I wish I could come back, just so we could get coffee and you can tell me all about the amazing movies I’m sure you’ve directed.” For the first time, I truly started to get teary. Jody had been the closest thing I’d ever had to a sister, and I was realizing with sudden alacrity just how much I missed her.

“The coffee up here is crap,” I lamented. “They didn’t pack any hazelnut creamer. Just milk and plain sugar. Probably healthier and all, but who needs to be healthy on a suicide mission? It’s annoying.”

My throat was beginning to tighten, my eyes burning with the need to cry. “I miss you so much, Jody.” I sniffed. “Maybe more than I miss Colt,” I joked.

“In case there’s a little Jody or a little Colt on the way— or already here— tell them that their Uncle Ryland loves them, okay?” I offered a sad smile. “And that I’m watching over them from up here.”

I blew a kiss to the camera. “Love you, Jody.”