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John Logan could never get what he wanted. Not really at least. He had accepted that a long time ago. When he first saw his mom drunk, when he had been working in his dad’s shop for a month thinking that that was all he was going to get out of life, and when he, not willingly mind you, irrevocably fell in love with Garrett Graham freshman year of college.
He hadn’t meant for it to happen, okay? Both of them were on the Hockey team, and they got to know each other and one thing led to another and John fell for that stupid Graham charm. He had tried to deny of course, resist it, pretend it wasn’t true, whatever. Because if there was one thing the entirety of Briar University knew it was that Garrett Graham does not do relationships.
Even in freshman year, he had made it clear it wasn’t looking for one. So, John put on a smile and hoped he would get over him soon, because even if Garrett did want a relationship, he wouldn’t go looking for one in his best friend. Then they moved in together, and John was playing a losing game. Garrett on the ice and at school was one thing, but domestic Garrett? God, he was soft and sweet, and a little bit of an asshole sometimes, but that was just a part of who he was. So, yeah, John fell hard, but in the end he could live with that. If only for one reason though.
Garrett would never be in a relationship. So, John lived with the fact that he could have him in the capacity of just his best friend and nothing more. Even if longing creeped further into his heart everyday, even if said heart cracked a little every time Garrett took some girl back to his room, regardless of the fact that it would never be anything more than one night.
He lived with it for three years, and he had done a pretty good job hiding it he thought, getting used to it, but then came Hannah Wells.
He had fixed her Subaru (Bluebaru) up in freshman year, and she had served them at Malone’s who knows how many times, and she was nice and funny, if a little tense around Hockey players. All in all, she was a nice girl, and John liked her well enough. Garrett though? He had never even noticed she existed, not her name or anything. So, that’s why John didn’t pay it much thought when Garrett asked him who she was, maybe he was finally being aware of his surroundings or something.
That was his mistake.
Next he knew she was coming over to tutor him and he was greeting her half naked, which was just standard Garrett so John tried to tamp down the sinking feeling in his gut when he watched them go up to his room. Then they were kissing in the gym, and he was getting a kiss too. And maybe you know, this was just a lead up to one of Garrett’s standard hookups, maybe Hannah was playing hard to get (John ignored the voice in the back of his head that told that Hannah wasn’t the hookup kind of girl).
Then they had come to Beau and Dean’s party dressed as a magician and his bunny, Garrett had asked for another drink for Hannah because she didn’t drink in public, and they went up to his room for the rest of night. If that wasn’t the worst of it, he had caught Jules making a post about them on Fifth-Line the same night.
Safe to say John threw-up at the end of the night.
Soon, it was confirmed. They were in a relationship. Garrett Graham was in a relationship when he had sworn up and down to any girl who had asked in the past three years that he wasn’t looking for one.
John felt his heart shatter, already worn down from years of pining for something that could never be his.
They hung out together in the house a lot and John put a smile on his face, not knowing if he convinced anyone. At the end of every day he laid down on his bed but he didn’t sleep, just stared, willing the moistness in his eyes to go away. He ran himself to the ground practicing, and he could feel the tension running through his body, building up every week. Thanksgiving started rolling around the corner and his mom was back in rehab for the millionth time, he was fighting with Jules, Dean wasn’t sticking around, and Garrett was taking Hannah to meet his dad. Willingly.
He actually seemed like he wanted to give it a go, give his dad another chance to come back from whatever had set them apart. Because of Hannah. Not John who had spent years trying to understand Garrett’s dislike of his father, who tried relentlessly to get him to open up, but Hannah Wells, who he didn’t know existed at the start of the semester.
So, there John was. Thanksgiving morning, lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, not feeling any reason to get up.
For three years, he had lied and convinced himself that he was okay with what he had. Now, though, he realized that was a load of fucking bullshit. He always wanted more, wanted Garrett in every single way. But Garrett wasn’t his, he never was, and John didn’t know what to fucking do with himself.
Fuck. He pressed his hands to his eyes, tears falling down his cheeks. He pressed his lips together tightly trying to stop any sounds he was making from escaping.
All he had thought about last night was that he was the worst person ever. His best friend was finally happy and in love and all John wanted was for them to break up, for Hannah to just disappear from their lives. Which wasn’t fair at all. Hannah was nice. Hannah was good. And Hannah was what Garrett wanted.
An ugly sound tore from his throat and John shoved his face into his pillow. His entire body shook as sob after sob came out, unrelenting.
Some time later, John lifted his face from the pillow and dragged his body to the bathroom discreetly, washing his face of dried tears and snot.
After he’d dried his face with a towel, he took a deep breath, ran a hand through his hair and another down his face, and stepped outside.
Standing at the top of the stairs, he thought about how it would probably hurt less if he moved out, then he let out a bitter laugh at the possibility.
No matter how much it hurt, he could never leave. For a multitude of reasons really, but mainly for one: John Logan would take a Garrett Graham that was in love with Hannah Wells over no Garrett Graham any day of the goddamn week.