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Jihoon wasn't one to drink his problems away. It wasn't like him.
Yet he found himself sprawled on his hotel bed, way too many shots of whisky in his blood. He would regret it tomorrow, rashes already appearing on his neck, but he was already too far deep. Rain was hitting the windows, the room only lit by the city lights.
He wasn't one to dwell on words, on actions, and even less on people, but Soonyoung wasn't just some random person ; it was Soonyoung.
He isn't sure how it really happened. How an innocent friendship turned into an inevitable black hole, consuming his whole being.
He had just come back from one of their monthly meetings, right after their concert in Japan. There, he hadn't felt like drinking, he never did. However, when Soonyoung glanced at him from the other side of the table, something in his stomach lurched. He held his gaze for a second, before feeling like he had to leave or he'd throw up.
Once he stood up, after giving the others a lame excuse no one would dare to question, Soonyoung gave him that look again. The one that made his skin crawl, the one he'd never tried to dig into. He just left quietly, without turning back, to avoid having to face the only reason—the only person, that would make him stay. Instead, he walked—ran back to their hotel, ignoring how the rain was starting to pour above him.
When he reached his bed, he felt like he was suffocating, he needed to breathe, and his shirt and tie weren't helping. He undid a few buttons and de tangled his tie as his back hit the undone sheets of his bed. He didn't understand why he was feeling like this, why he was making him feel like this.
It's not like he was oblivious— he saw the comments about them from fans. He knew about this widespread fantasy people had about them. His members would often joke about it ; how impossible that would be in real life.
To be fair, it wasn't completely untrue ; as much as he spent most of his time with Soonyoung, he sometimes felt like they spoke an entirely different language, as if they were on a different wavelength. But what they had was more than words, they just knew how to understand one and another.
As he tossed and turned in his bedsheets, he spotted the bottle of whisky he had planned on gifting his parents, and it just made sense. He swiftly got up and opened it as if it was the only thing keeping him from losing his mind. Once the liquid burned his throat, he knew there was no going back.
The more he drank, the more he thought about it, about them. About what it all meant. Was Soonyoung like this with everybody ? Was the constant pairing of the two getting to his head ?
Then he remembered. That quiet night the two had shared at his apartment right before their tour started. Jihoon had just finished working on a song for their next comeback, unable to rest even when he was asked to, and of course, Soonyoung had tagged along. It only felt natural for them to have dinner together.
But this time Jihoon noticed. Noticed the slight difference in the way Soonyoung looked at him. He was a little quieter than usual, more focused on whatever was going through his mind. Normally, he'd crack a joke here and there, or beg Jihoon to stop working, just to piss him off. This night, he waited quietly until he was done.
"What's up with you ?" He had asked while refilling Soonyoung's plate mindlessly. "You're quiet."
See, normally Soonyoung would have replied something like You always ask me to be quiet and once I am you want me to be loud again or can't I enjoy some quiet quality time with my best friend ? or any other type of joke to lighten the mood, really.
"I have been thinking about us," was the only thing he replied, pretending to be busy mixing his food for the tenth thousand time.
"Are you drunk ?" Jihoon had asked, desperately begging for the conversation to not get any deeper. Maybe deep inside he knew what Soonyoung meant.
"Forget about it," Soonyoung had mumbled.
And he did, forget about it.
In his brief moment of drunken clarity, it hit him.
I love him.
I am in love with Soonyoung.
Suddenly, it was like all the oxygen on earth wasn't enough to fill his lungs, he was struggling to breathe and the whisky wasn't helping either. It's like the whole world fell onto his shoulders. A deafening realization he had avoided for years.
He got up to reach his phone, trying to ignore the dizziness and the loud banging in his head.
3 missed calls from Soonyoung.
Are you okay ???
Do you feel sick ?
Did you drink ?
I can come if you want.
Jihoon sighed. Classic Soonyoung.
He needed to see him. It's like realizing made his feelings unstoppable. He needed to see him now. He needed to let it out.
Abruptly, he got up, didn't bother to fix his shirt or his tie, even less his tousled hair, and went out the door. He ran for what seemed like hours, water soaking through his clothes, his breath ragged not by running, but by the adrenaline rushing through his veins. He'd never felt more confused and free in his life.
He was in love with Soonyoung. He was in love with Soonyoung and he needed to scream it on every rooftop of this city.
He felt as if he was on the edge of a cliff as he reached the restaurant they had been in. Ready to jump in face first into the void.
However, as he stood under the pouring rain in front of the restaurant, it was closed. Engulfed in darkness, the closed sign taunting him.
You missed your chance.
This couldn't be happening, not when he had just figured out something for once in his life. The tears came quickly after, unnoticeable as he was already soaked, but he could feel it. The way his heart was beating like a train on the tracks, the way his breath stuttered as he closed his eyes. He looked around, begging to the universe for a sign, for something.
How long had he been drinking in the silence of his room ? Where was Soonyoung ? Was he still looking for him ?
He was drunk, alone and soaked in the middle of Osaka at an ungodly hour of the morning, unsure about everything except for the fact he is in love with his best friend.
He did what felt the most logical, and quietly walked back to their hotel. He didn't have the strength to run anymore, his limbs struggling to keep up with the rush in his blood. Only then he thought of what might happen, of how little he had thought of the consequences of confessing to your best friend and coworker of more than ten years, after drunkenly realizing every ounce of his being had spent these last years yearning for him in silence. It was almost frustrating, knowing what he felt but not understanding how it even happened.
He reached his hotel room for the second time this night. He was definitely soaked now, his fingers trembling as he reached for the doorknob. He had to shake this off, forget about it and lock the drawer inside his heart where his feelings for Soonyoung laid. Finally he opened the door and—
"Jihoon ! Where were you , you had me worried sick !" Jihoon didn't even had the time to process Soonyoung being inside his hotel room as he felt his body caged by his arms, tightly squeezing him. Soonyoung pressed his face in the crook of his shoulder, while Jihoon remained frozen. "Why were you drinking alone ? Where did you go ? What's happening ?—"
"I love you."
It was barely a whisper, almost inaudible as Jihoon mumbled those three words against Soonyoung's chest.
It was Soonyoung's turn to freeze now, the fingers that were rubbing Jihoon's back coming to an halt. "What did you say ?" He asked carefully.
Jihoon's tears were threatening to escape. There was no going back now.
"I love you, Soonyoung."
Soonyoung pulled away from their embrace, now gripping his shoulders and holding his gaze. "Jihoon, don't say things you don't mean. You're drunk and—"
"I fucking love you Soonyoung, I don't understand how or why but I just do !" Jihoon snapped while trying to get away from Soonyoung's hold.
Soonyoung looked for something in his eyes, like trying to find an answer from whatever this meant. Jihoon closed his eyes. "I-I love you and I don't fucking understand why because you and I are like—perfect opposites and I hate how you get under my skin and how you always drag me away from work and I hate your stupid habit of getting drunk and asking for affection right after and I hate how fucking natural it is for you to say these things to me that make my stomach flip and I—"
Jihoon didn't get to finish his rambling as he felt Soonyoung's lips pressed on his. He didn't open his eyes, scared of realizing this was just another dream, another drunken fantasy. Instead, he slowly opened his mouth, inviting Soonyoung in. He felt hands cradle his head. It wasn't sweet, it was desperate, it was teeth clashing like it was their only way of breathing. Years of feelings pushed down translated in a form of a kiss.
Soonyoung pulled away to breathe and brought their foreheads together as they both panted.
Only then Jihoon dared to open his eyes and get lost into Soonyoung's eyes. This was real. He just kissed Soonyoung. His best friend. And it felt fucking good. He didn't even realize he had been crying through it until Soonyoung wiped the droplets on his cheeks with his thumbs, foreheads still pressed against each other.
"I'm sorry," he breathed out.
"For what ?" He felt Soonyoung's hands travel to the hair on the back of his neck.
"Sorry that this is happening this way, sorry that I'm drunk, sorry I just realized, sorry I just made a list of everything I hated about you to say how much I need you. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling other than this."
Soonyoung only chuckled and pressed his lips one last time against Jihoon's. "You don't need words with me, Jihoon."
And that was the thing, really. Despite how different they were, words were never enough to explain the connection between them. They had a password and they were the only ones holding the keys to it.
Soonyoung ran his fingers through his hair. "Let's get out of these clothes and sleep, we'll talk tomorrow."
After battling against Jihoon's soaked shirt, both found themselves tangled in bedsheets, leaving no air between them to breathe. As much as he dreaded having to face his feelings sober tomorrow, he knew it would be all worth it once he heard Soonyoung whispering a small i hate you too, by the way before dozing off.