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The sun was high enough now that Tyler should be up soon. Josh kicked at the remnants of their fire from last night, gathering the surviving tinder into a pile. He struck a match and dropped it in. Flames immediately flickered to life. They crackled, familiar and comforting after all these years around them, and he watched. Waited.
About a minute later, he heard the crunching of footsteps approach from behind. The sound was light, nearly shy, distinct in that way that curled his lips into a content smile. A warm hand came to rest on his lower back like it belonged there.
"Good morning," he said, voice low and rough from disuse.
Tyler stepped fully to his side before leaning into him, fingers tapping against the base of his spine. Instead of words, Tyler hummed in response, as he often did when he had just woken.
"I haven't been up for too long," Josh continued. "Went out past the treeline to see what the weather is looking like today and it's finally warming up, not a cloud in sight. Said hi to a little family of rabbits, collected some fruit for breakfast. I can't believe everything's coming back after the havoc Dema wreaked out here."
The hand on his back pressed a bit harder at the word. His stomach twisted, eyes squeezed shut as he bit the inside of his cheek.
"Sorry."
"'t's okay," Tyler mumbled.
He buried his face in Josh's shoulder with a sigh, allowing his fingers to return to their restless drumming. They stood in relative silence for a few nearly comfortable moments.
"What's the plan for today?" Josh finally asked, quiet.
Almost incomprehensibly, Tyler replied, "Breakfast."
"Of course," Josh couldn't help but laugh a bit. "Eat first. Then, whatever you want."
His chest eased at Tyler's own mention of food. It had been a struggle those first few months to get him to eat or really do anything, so this was progress. They were going to figure this out, no matter how slow that progress was, no matter how hard it felt to push through.
"It's warmer today?" Tyler spoke up.
"Yeah. Almost summer."
"Good day for a swim, you think?"
Josh turned to look at him, at last. Firelight and sun rays shone in Tyler's dark eyes. His hair was longer now - they talked about it extensively - and sticking up in small tufts. It was creased most on the right side of his head, the side he pressed into Josh at night. A recent development, the recollection of which made Josh's stomach flutter like he was a teenager again.
"The water might be a bit chilly," he answered honestly, "but that's never stopped me."
The hand on his back slipped around to settle on his waist. There was heat radiating from it, from Tyler's entire body; cozy, soft, alive. He had always run cold. As the weeks passed, that changed. Now, his cheeks were always a little flushed, and he had a couple of freckles across the bridge of his nose from being out in the sun. His hair was thicker and shinier. His nails weren't breaking and falling off. Every once in a while, Josh raked his hands over Tyler's ribs, grinning at the fact that he felt them less and less each time.
Through this reverie, Tyler broke, "Nothing ever stops you. One of my favorite things about you, really."
"Yeah?" Josh whispered.
He hoped his voice didn't give away the fact that he was blushing, first flattered, then embarrassed. Middle-aged, a war veteran, and he blushed when Tyler said anything— stuff like that. His insides flipped over themselves.
"Mhm."
The response reverberated through his neck and chest. Even just that sound was melodic, pretty by nature. Of course it was. That's Tyler.
"You know," he said, "there's so much of you I like, I can't pick a favorite."
"Cop-out answer," Tyler muttered, but Josh could feel a smile against his skin.
"It's true."
"It's lame."
"Fine, fine," he conceded. "If I had to choose one thing right now?"
The thought of you has always lit me up from the inside. Intangible. What was he even trying to say with that?
Having you back is better than the best dream I've ever had. He cringed at himself.
You're stunning and brilliant and fiery. Your eyes are so captivating, but not as much as your mind. When you truly feel, it's sharp and infectious. You're strong, stronger than anyone I've ever known, like a myth passed around the campfire. And after everything, you still chose me. I'll choose you, too, each time.
He cleared his throat.
"When you care about something, you chase it. You protect it. That kind of focus, that loyalty - I've always admired that about you."
Tyler somehow burrowed even closer, breathing deeply, arm tightening around Josh's waist. In front of them, the fire continued to burn low. Josh was hot all over. He realized, briefly, that he would be happy to stay like this forever.
"Love you," he felt more than heard muffled into his shoulder.
"Love you, too," was his reply, because it would never be anything else.
The rest of the morning wore on, lazy and pleasant as could be.
Even after their victory, Josh was still the Torchbearer. The banditos - the ones who had decided to stay out in Trench - still called him that. He would always be their leader, until he passed the name to someone else. One day, he thought, if he and Tyler grew their family. These were all things he hadn't considered in earnest, well, ever, because nothing was certain. What could still be said for sure was that he was the Torchbearer.
Camp hadn't seen much of him the past month or so. None of them minded; they knew he and Tyler needed their own space. He checked in, caught up on anything important, organized supply runs. Between those visits, he left Debby in charge.
Today was a good one, though. Tyler was smiling. The sky was clear, the air was crisp. So when the two of them went into camp, Josh took time to find and greet everyone individually. There weren't many. Most families had decided to unite and remain in Dema. He was proud of them, rebuilding that city from the ground up out of the rubble they were left with, and knowing they would never let it slip back into vialist hands. The future of the citizens was bright.
He ran by the - thankfully unoccupied - medical tent to see Freja, who joyfully showed off their thriving troops of mushrooms. In the dining hall, Josh, Asher, and Laney laughed over a simmering batch of cider. Then he followed the sounds of giggling and singing to the schoolyard, where he entertained the kids while Blake made snacks. His last stop, as always, was to Debby. She sat on a rock outside her quarters, whittling something down with a pocketknife.
"Hey," he called as he approached.
She looked up when she heard his voice, a grin already forming on her lips.
"Hi, hon'," she replied. "Good to see you."
Josh sprouted a matching smile. He paused a few feet away and crossed his arms over his chest, a natural if not guarded stance. It was hard to remember to ease up, sometimes. Everything had changed so fast.
"It's been a minute since I've really talked to everyone. Glad that everything's going well. You all seem to be adapting, taking our new lives in stride."
"Even without our fearless leader," she teased.
With a laugh, he said, "Especially with you. Seriously, thanks. I don't know what I'd do without you, Debs."
She finally stopped carving, knife left hovering over her project. Her face fell into something sweet, kind, empathetic. It was a familiar expression from her. She always handled him carefully, like she understood him. To this day, he wasn't sure what made her that way.
"Of course. Anything for you," she reassured.
He watched as she returned to her task. For a minute, the only noise was the thwick of wood being shaved off the block.
"How are you?" he asked after a comfortable silence. "How's things with Jen?"
Without letting up, she answered, "I'm really good. Stuff's been weird around here with less of us, without you, but I'm settling in. And with Jen - now that the war's over, she's been glued to me. Not that I'm complaining. Actually, I'm doing the opposite of that."
"Where is she?" he glanced around to no avail.
"Sleeping," Debby gestured absentmindedly to the tent behind her. "Been dealing with some health stuff, we're still trying to figure it out. She gets real tired during the day."
"I'm sorry. That sounds… not fun."
"Yeah. She's got me, though. Sleeps easier when I'm with her."
"That's disgusting," Josh joked, wrinkling his nose.
"Whatever," she fought back, "you and Cla— Tyler have been on a weeks-long honeymoon. That's gross."
They shared a chuckle. Hers was full and genuine as always, and pretty. She had a laugh that matched her face in its beauty.
"Speaking of!" she noted with a knowing look.
Before Josh had time to react, a hand landed softly on his lower back, fingers splayed and already tip-tapping against him.
"Ty," he breathed.
Something about just that - the hand on him, how easy it was to say the name now - was enough to relieve any tension left in his body. He sagged into the warmth of it with a sigh.
"Hi," Tyler greeted, low, inches from Josh's ear. "Missed you."
Me too.
Instead, Josh opted for, "It's only been an hour."
"I don't see your point."
"Mmm," he acknowledged before asking, "Everything okay?"
Tyler drew a little closer.
"Yeah. Just wanted to see you," he admitted.
Then there were fingers against Josh's chin. They weren't forceful, simply coaxing. Offering a suggestion. Of course, he agreed without hesitation, letting his head be turned toward Tyler. Their eyes met and the world around them melted away.
"Now you see me," Josh said with a small grin.
All Tyler did was smile back. His eyes disappeared behind it; they always did when he was really happy. The sight was so perfect, so relieving, that Josh nearly teared up - nearly. Not in front of the banditos, and definitely not over something like this. He would never live it down.
The hand on his chin slid further up his jaw. He caught a subtle glint of something in Tyler's expression, the slight twitch of a lip and flush of cheeks. On his back, Tyler had stopped drumming, rendered completely motionless.
And then they were kissing.
It was brief, incredibly so, but it was real. Hot, gentle, timid, careful. Tyler's lips still tasted of honey and berries from breakfast. His hands pressed a bit harder wherever they touched Josh, tethering the two of them together. Neither of them breathed for a second, not until one sighed through his nose and the other followed suit. Just as Josh was about to lean into it, maybe let his tongue have a few questioning sweeps, it was over. Tyler pulled back, still cradling his face.
"Have fun. I'll be back at the tent if you need me," he whispered.
Josh just nodded, mouth agape. Crisp spring air washed over his cheek as Tyler parted from him, stepping away as if Josh's insides weren't collapsing, leaving him with the smallest, sweetest grin. He watched in silent awe as Tyler walked home.
He kissed me. He's walking home, to where we live together. It's sunny and clear and the fruit is ripe and he kissed me. The water will be a little chilly later. He kissed me.
"You are whipped."
He blinked a few times, trying to get everything to focus again. The first thing he saw was Debby, all smirk and raised eyebrows, no longer carving. Debby, who was here, and witnessed whatever that was, and clearly was waiting for the perfect moment to decimate Josh for it. Debby, who he had honestly - for a not insignificant amount of time - forgotten was there. He forgot anything existed except Tyler.
"Oh, uh, sorry," he immediately began. "I— Uh—"
"Joshua," Debby interrupted, stern but not rude.
At the sound of his whole name, his mouth snapped shut. Warmth rushed to his face, embarrassed or stunned or what, he wasn't sure. His gaze trained firmly on the ground while he kicked at a rock stuck in the mud.
She chuckled, "I've never seen you like this, you know?"
Hesitant, he asked, "Like what?"
"This. The way you're staring into space and your cheeks are all pink. Smitten, really."
He threw his hands over his face and sighed.
"I'm not—" he tried. "Nothing's— We're not different."
"Oh yeah? Y'all were doing this all the time before, I'm sure. And I'm even more sure you were able to keep it from me."
"I'm not keeping it from anyone. It's just complicated."
And it was. They had been running their entire lives, never once stopped to wonder what they wanted. Josh had taught himself how to not want. Now it was over, he had Tyler back, and he couldn't just let himself have it. Nothing was that simple.
Leaves crunched in front of him. He felt slender fingers wrap around his wrists - they were rough with little nicks, burns, and calluses, gentle all the same. She was warm, too. Maybe everything was just warmer now that they'd won.
"Josh, hon'," she said, pulling his hands away from his face, "it's okay to be scared. But I know things have changed, I can see it on you. You're practically glowing. Now, spill."
He stared down at her with furrowed brows. His hands were pliant in hers, no fight in him whatsoever. Of course he had to tell her. He should tell her.
"I love him," he whispered. "Like, I'm— I'm in love with him."
Just saying it out loud, some of his anxiety was already bleeding away.
"And the sky is blue," she quipped.
With a shy smile, he continued, "He says it too, now, and it— Oh, I love it so much. I love him. I love hearing him say it back. He's been through hell, I just can't believe we finally made it. I think he's happy, and— I'm happy, Debs. I haven't been able to say that in years. God, I'm so happy."
"Good. It's about time."
She dropped his arms, only to bring her own around him, tucking herself under his chin. The hug lasted no more than a few seconds before she pulled back, expression mischievous like it had been not much earlier. Confused, he cocked his head to the side. She answered the unspoken question with a smirk.
"You seemed a bit blindsided by that kiss. That's new, ain't it?"
Josh straightened up, clearing his throat awkwardly.
"Well, we, uh—" he stuttered. "It's only happened a couple of times, and I've always, y'know, started it. So yeah, that shocked me a bit. I didn't think he would…"
"In front of people?"
"Yeah. I'm not— I'm absolutely not complaining, though. Seeing him like that, it's one of my favorite things. He's— I just love him so much."
"You are so gone on him," Debby laughed.
"Oh God, you're right. I probably sound—"
"Nah," she assured. "Go get 'im. He said he missed you."
"Debs."
"It's alright. I need to check on Jen, bring her something to eat. Get outta here."
A playful shove urged him in the direction Tyler had left to. He smiled and it was starting to hurt, he did it so much now. It was natural to then wonder if Tyler experienced that, too, all the times he'd smiled since Josh got him back. Josh loved that smile when it was open-mouthed and showing those crooked bottom teeth, when it was curled lips and soft wrinkles; any time in any form. He wanted to brand it on his mind, keep it forever.
He shook his head into order.
"Okay," he said. "Yeah. I'll see you later, though."
"Don't doubt it!" Debby promised.
In an instant, he started making his way home.
Josh and Tyler spent the early afternoon in their tent. The thought crossed Josh's mind that Debby may have chased him away because she knew exactly what was going to happen. He decided she deserved a gift basket for that.
He and Tyler were sprawled out on their cot, blankets shoved to their waists. It was nearing too warm inside without any ventilation, but Josh couldn't find it in himself to care. Not much mattered to him besides this image of Tyler, eyes blissfully distant, with kiss-bitten lips and finger-mussed hair. There were a couple of small bruises blooming on his tattooed shoulder. Josh grinned to himself.
"You're my favorite," Tyler mumbled contentedly. "D'you know that? My favorite person. Always have been, I think."
"Really? 'Cause 15-year-old Tyler swore up and down he knew this girl that—"
"Shut up, we were so young. I was"—Tyler waved aimlessly above him—"repressed, or whatever."
Josh simply hummed and went back to staring. He was allowed to, now, and he could definitely get used to it.
"Not repressed anymore, I'll tell you," Tyler said, throwing on a cheesy wink.
With a groan, Josh replied, "Oh, gross! I hate you!"
"Lies."
"You can't prove anything."
Tyler rolled onto his side, propping his head up with an elbow. He was already smiling, dark eyes swallowed up by it, cheeks perfectly rosy. So, Josh continued to stare.
"I think the last hour or two is enough evidence," he pointed out. "Every twenty seconds, 'I love you Tyler, I love you.' Like it was all you knew how to say, I swear to God."
Suddenly, oh so painfully, something cold and nauseating swept through Josh's stomach. He couldn't even be sure what it was exactly - guilt, shame, fear - because he'd felt it too many times before, and never had the opportunity to dissect it. All he knew was that it reared its head during moments like these, sometimes. Things were too good. He had smiled too much today. Everything felt too right and normal.
He couldn't hold back a small "Sorry."
And he was no longer staring.
In an instant, Tyler's hand was on his face, pulling him back.
"Hey, hey," he heard, heart-wrenchingly soft, "J, 'm sorry. I was just teasing."
"I know. It's— Not you," he reassured as he closed his eyes.
A thumb brushed back and forth on his stubbled jaw. He leaned into it with a sigh.
Tyler, in all his ability to know precisely what went on in Josh's head, acknowledged, "You're tense. What's going on, my love? Wanna help is all."
My love.
Josh dragged his hand up Tyler's leg, landing on his waist and squeezing it gently. The prickle of hair, bumps of scars, patches of dry skin - it all reminded him that this was too vivid to be anything but reality.
My love.
He exhaled shakily.
"Just having a hard time adjusting," he admitted. "I don't want to lose this. I keep thinking about— I've lost you so many times, and I can't stop thinking that it's gonna happen again. I get to— to kiss you and sleep next to you and sleep with you, Ty. I'm so happy. I've never—"
"J, look at me," Tyler whispered.
Without even a hint of protest, Josh listened. His eyes opened to see Tyler watching him carefully, brow creased in concern, eyes wide and pleading. He was so gorgeous.
"I understand," Tyler went on, "'cause I've felt it. And it's taken a while, you know, to not be scared by it every time it pops up. But you've got me now."
"It's been so long."
"It has. God, it really has. We made it, though. Went in there and burned it all to the ground together. Now we can rest together, 'cause we've always done everything that way. Yeah?"
Again, no hesitation, Josh nodded. His grip on Tyler's waist tightened as he spoke.
"'kay. Okay."
He quickly closed the short distance between them. Their lips met, tender yet with some sense of urgency; that feeling of I might lose you if I let go. Josh pulled Tyler in by the hips, heavy sighs escaping them both. Breaths, kisses, breaths, kisses, alternated as they lie there in the quiet of their home. Legs crossed over each other beneath the blankets. Fingers remapped bare skin, committing each touch to memory. They pressed closer, and closer, and closer, until they were chest-to-chest, could feel each other's lungs expanding.
Tyler leaned away first, leaving so little space between them, Josh could smell the sweat as it evaporated off of his skin.
"You know I love you," he said - low, rough, sweet as ever.
Josh shivered when he heard it.
"I know," he muttered. "I know. I love you, too. So much, Ty."
"I know."
Even from so near, Tyler's smile was magnificent. What Josh wouldn't do to keep him looking like that forever. He'd give him anything.
"Now," he decided, "how about that swim?"