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Oh, I wish you could know me. And I wish I could know you much more sometimes.’
-
There had once been a time where Darry knew his youngest brother like the back of his hand, where Pony had been much more his shadow than Soda’s. If he closed his eyes, allowed himself to get lost in those memories he had forced himself to lock away, he could remember summer days like it was just yesterday. Days spent under the sun with Ponyboy, where he would tag along with Darry, licking leftover ice cream from his hands that had run down its cone. Where he would sit and contently watch Darry play football in the empty lot with his friends, climbing into his bed at night afterwards when the summer storms would roll in. The thunder always shook Pony to his core, tucking himself in close against Darry’s side, where he would make a silent promise to the night that he would always keep his brothers safe. That he would always be a safe place to land. That he would do anything in the world for the two of them, anything to make sure Pony and Soda would smile and laugh. Because glory, their laughter, especially Pony’s whose laughter was like the sun even on the coldest days made Darry believe that there was still good in the world. That there was beauty in it even when they lived on the wrong side of the tracks, even when life simply felt more like a burden even with being young.
Pony had been the missing piece to their family, he had come as a surprise, he could remember mama sitting him down, telling her that while they hadn’t been expecting it, there was another baby on the way. The way that Darry had been thrilled, even at nearing six years old, being an older brother was something that he had loved, something he took seriously. Always the first to run to Sodapop when he would cry after mama and daddy had brought him home. Begging to constantly hold his brother, getting so giddy when mama would let him feed Soda a bottle. And as Soda grew, so did Darry’s fierce protectiveness as a brother. Holding onto Soda’s sticky little hands as he had started to wobble around the house. Letting out the biggest cheer when Soda had finally taken steps on his own, stumbling his way across the floor to Darry’s outstretched arms. So another baby? Darry could hardly wait.
But Ponyboy had come much too early, had been too sick when he was first born, and Darry could remember how mama and daddy told him that he couldn’t meet him right away like he did Soda. Instantly he was worried, what if something happened to his baby? All he wanted to do was hold Ponyboy close and keep him safe like he had always done with Sodapop. Trying his best to wrap his head around when he saw the sad looks on their faces, heard their hushed whispers to not get the boy’s hopes up, to prepare themselves for coming home empty handed. But just like Darry had known at the ripe age of six, his littlest brother was tough, and Pony did in fact make his way home with his two oldest brothers. Soda, still too little to really care too much about the baby but just like before, Darry hardly found himself far from Ponyboy once he was home. And if he felt a bit too nervous when Soda’s would hold him, afraid that he would drop him, well, that was simply a fear Darry tried to keep quiet.
A fear that would only grow with time as Pony grew older.
His youngest brother always much too small for his age, always too thin, always the target for bullies and other kids at school. The amount of times that Ponyboy would come home with black eyes and bruises was too much for Darry, who couldn't stand the sight of his brother being hurt. Unable to wrap his head around the fact that someone would even want to hurt Ponyboy, who wouldn’t even let them kill bugs. Always insisting on scooping them up into a jar or a piece of paper so they could be taken outside and be let free. Because you should never hurt something, no matter how small it might be.
But now it felt like Ponyboy was a million miles away from him, even as Darry leaned against the frame of his doorway. Watching the rise and fall of his baby brother’s chest as he slept and the way the shadows danced through the hole torn into the curtain across his bedroom. Wondering where the hell he had gone wrong all those months ago. Things had been fine at first, well as fine as they could be after they had lost their parents. The grief had weighed heavy on all of them but the thing in the forefront of his mind was to be there for his brothers, to push his own sadness away so he could wrap them into his arms like a warm blanket. So he could fight the world that seemed so hell bent on taking every damn good thing away from them. Half believing that if Pony and Soda were tucked behind the barrier of his arms, no harm or sadness could ever come their way again. But Darry had known he was a fool for thinking that, that there was only so much he could do but he tried his damnest.
Had put his own hopes and dreams instantly on the backburner, had taken up two jobs that worked him to the bone as long as it meant Soda and Ponyboy were taken care of. It had been him that Ponyboy had sought out those first few weeks when the nightmares started. Screaming out Darry’s name in the middle of the night when he would wake drenched in sweat. Like Darry could keep him safe from the monsters of his mind and Darry tried his hardest. Had wrapped his youngest brother into his arms, held him close as his body trembled, as sobs wrecked his still too small body, had run a soothing hand along his back, promising him once more that he would keep him safe, even if he felt like he was failing at it more and more as the days passed. No idea how to be their brother when he had to juggle being a father as well.
But as days turned to weeks and those weeks slowly turned into months, Darry could feel Ponyboy slipping away from him. Could feel the stress of trying to keep their family afloat and the state off their backs weighing at every inch of his body. It had started off slowly, snapping at Pony after long days of work for something, whether it was leaving his shoes out or not folding the laundry. Just wishing that he would help in some way or another, nevermind that his brother was still so lost in his own grief, that he was barely keeping his head above the water from losing their parents. There wasn't time anymore for laughter or play fights. He didn’t have time to join Ponyboy on the porch to watch the sunrise and sunset. Couldn’t be bothered to sit and talk about books and movies when there were bills to be paid, holes in clothes that needed patched, and dinner to make.
So when Ponyboy cried out for Soda the first time in the middle of the night, Darry had thought nothing of it. That maybe he just needed the comfort of his middle brother instead but as the nightmares wore on, as Darry’s patience wore thin and exhaustion settled in thick, the less and less it was Darry he would cry for. Before he knew it, it was Soda that Pony was asking to stay in bed with every night and Darry tried his best to ignore the ache it had caused in his chest. Telling himself that it was because Pony and Soda were closer in age, that Pony knew Darry had to work to keep their family together, and simply didn’t want to bother him. Which only made the ache run that much more deep.
Soon it was like Darry was never home, barging in late at night, just in time to throw something quickly together for dinner. To bark some kind of order to Ponyboy, hound him about homework or staying out of trouble, and even then he knew the damage he was causing. Especially when Ponyboy would barely look at him, unlike how he had once looked at Darry like he had hung the moons. When Darry would move heaven and hell for Ponyboy. But all he could do these days was keep the lights on and food on the table.
Pony was beyond his grasp and Darry had been the one to cause it.
-
Oh, I’ll stay here ‘til morning
Oh, we can fight like we used to fight
-
There was nothing more that he wanted to do than gather Ponyboy into his arms, to hold him close and apologize for every last damn thing he had done, for every mistake he had made in the last six months but there was also that fear of rejection. Knowing that Ponyboy didn’t need him anymore, that he was getting on just fine without Darry around. But he had promised, to himself, to mama, to daddy, that he would keep their boys safe, would make sure that they each knew how much they were loved, to keep this house a home for them. And he was failing them, Pony much more than Soda. And he had no idea how to fix it, how to make it right. How to let Ponyboy know that Darry loved him so deeply, that he would do anything in this world for him, that he would go to the ends of the earth and back if it meant he could find his way to his baby brother once more.
Afraid that Pony was truly too far gone from him, that he would only see anger and distaste in his eyes. That even if Darry tried, Pony would want nothing from him. The very thought alone made his heart ache and made his feet move forward. Standing at the edge of the bed, hands shoved into his pockets, holding in his breath. Afraid that the smallest of sounds would have Ponyboy sitting up and jolting, telling Darry to get the hell out of his room. Sending a silent prayer up to mama and daddy, asking them how he could make this better. How did he find his way back to his brother? The one who always had his head in the clouds, who loved their middle brother and his friends with the biggest heart he had ever seen? How was he supposed to take care of their baby, his baby, and do right by him when he had already failed in such a short amount of time?
Darry drew in a breath, looking down as the moonlight peaked into the room, just watching the constant rise and fall of Pony’s chest. Ears straining to hear each soft breath, just needing to know that despite how much he had messed up that the boy was still alive, that he was still breathing, and that he was somehow living even when Darry felt eaten up and dead inside. Ponyboy would hate it but in his sleep he looked so young, so fragile, like the smallest of winds could pick him up and drag him away, off into one of those sunsets he loved so much. It was only then that Darry noticed the wetness on his cheeks. How the ache within his chest had made it out and he had to quickly bring up a hand and press it against his mouth to stifle the sob that escaped from his chest. Like an animal that had been locked up for too long, finally clawing its way to the surface, needing to find a way out instead of being pushed back and restrained.
His knees began to wobble, a sadness like Darry had never felt clawing at the back of his throat, not even after their parents had died. He had been able to handle their deaths but as he stood there, barely holding himself up, he realized that he had lost someone else that night too. Not all at once but slowly over time he had lost Pony and if he didn’t fix things, didn’t make them right, he had no idea how he would keep on living. This was worse than death, living with someone who he didn’t even know anymore. Someone he had sworn to protect with every inch of his life thirteen years ago. And here he was, doing the opposite. He had pushed Ponyboy away, had made him feel unloved, had made him feel like he wasn’t important. Hell, he had been working so hard, driving himself into the ground so Pony could never want for anything and in the end, it had done the opposite. Had driven a wedge between them, had taken Darry from him. Had taken a sense of love and security and ripped it away from his brother when he had already lost so much. Darry might have lost his mom and dad that night but Pony had also lost a brother.
The realization hit him square in his ribs, almost finally knocking him off his feet, stumbling forward some, his other hand grabbing onto the sheets. How could he have been so blind? How could he have been so stupid and careless? How could he have tossed Ponyboy to the side but somehow managed to still be a brother to Soda? He was their baby, he was still so young, he still needed them, and all Darry had cared about was work and bills.
“Pony-” He choked out into the night, his voice begging, even though his brother continued to sleep and Darry couldn’t hold back anymore, couldn’t stop himself as he climbed his way onto the bed. Doing his best to not disturb the sleeping boy but he needed to be close, probably the closest he would ever be able to get to Pony. Remembering all too well how he dodged Darry’s pats on the shoulder and ruffle of his hair. How any time he tried to show affection in the only way he knew how, Pony turned the other way. Putting a quick stop to him, making Darry’s heart ache more and more with each passing day.
What he wouldn’t do to have those simple moments with him again. The summer days out in the sun, the winter nights where they would wrestle on the couch, only stopping when Pony would finally holler ‘uncle’ through his laughs. The nights he spent at the kitchen table helping him solve math equations that Ponyboy was never able to wrap his head around. Darry grinning as he would sneak back in through the windows well after curfew to only be greeted by an eager Ponyboy who wanted to hear about his late night adventures. When the snow would fall on the ground the three of them would curl up on the couch, blanket thrown around them, and Ponyboy in the middle, surrounded by warmth and love.
The days where he had simply been able to be a brother.
Because he had no idea how to be that brother he had once been, not when he had to fill the shoes that their dad had left behind. One that was full of curfews and chores and hollering too much. Long gone were the easy days of smiling and late nights. Of junk food and jokes. He had to leave that in the past, had to harden himself, had to throw up walls all in order to keep Ponyboy safe. To make sure he did well in school, that out of the three of them, Ponyboy was able to somehow find his way out of the hell they had been living in. Darry had to give up his own life, he wouldn’t let Pony do the same. But maybe that was where he went wrong- though he had no idea. Not when everything felt like a mess, when it all felt upside, where it just felt like he was running his family right into the ground. Where he carried so much guilt about everything he did, everything he said, every choice he made. Failure after failure. That’s all he was measuring up to be.
Darry knew that it was wrong, that Ponyboy would hate him for it if he ever found out but he reached out a hand, letting it softly card through the auburn curls that were free of grease for once. Going from the front of his hair down towards the nape of his neck. His touch gentle and caring compared to his calloused hands, ones that now hauled shingles and roofing instead of wrapping his brother close to his chest like he had once done. Remembering the nights where Pony was little and had been sick. Where he had often taken over the night shift for mama and daddy so they could rest. Where he would lay in Pony’s bed just like this and comb a hand through his hair. Except back then his brother would lean into his touch, even in his sleep, craving that affection from Darry. If Ponyboy knew this now, Darry was sure that his hand would be shoved away and a swear would be thrown at him. But he was selfish, he needed this more than anything right now so he brought his hand back up, continuing the soothing and gentle motion of running it through Pony’s hair.
Startling when he saw sleepy and unfocused eyes looking up at him.
-
Bony-limbed, red faced, and teary eyed
Under the glow of the TV light.
Oh, I wish you could know me.
-
It was pure reflex, Darry moving to pull his hand away from Ponyboy’s hair, ready to run straight from the room, knowing he had just made things worse between the two of them. But instead fingers reached out, wrapping lightly around Darry’s wrist, watching through the darkness as Pony swallowed, his eyes questioning but also baring right into Darry’s soul. Almost like some kind of answer to the prayers he had spent sleepless nights muttering, not for sure if he even believed in some higher power but he would try anything if it meant figuring out a way to get back to his brother.
He couldn’t recall the last time the two of them had been this close, and had allowed one another to touch the other. The most they got these days was accidentally brushing shoulders in the kitchen while so often doing their best to ignore the other. Because ignoring was easier than the constant fighting they had fallen into. Shouting matches that would rattle the house, that was nothing but guilt and sorrow and grief rolling into a ball, coming out in the only way either of them knew how to handle. Anger. Words slashing through the air, cutting through the thickness of the house like a knife. Ripping each other apart because if not, they would simply crumble. Fighting was safe. Being honest wasn’t. Their house was supposed to be safe, sacred, a place where there was no need for fear, somewhere that was wrapped in warmth and love. And they had managed to break that in record time.
Instead the house barely felt like a home, though Darry was trying his best to keep that warmth alive that his parents always did. But how could he when Pony hardly wanted to be here? Where he would rather spend nights out with Johnny or come home right at curfew in order to just climb into bed and avoid Darry. That wasn’t what these walls were supposed to be and Darry couldn’t help but wonder if his brother felt like he was living in a prison.
The fingers around his wrist gave the smallest of squeezes and Darry looked back down, Pony’s eyes still wide, still questioning but there was also something else there. Something that Darry hadn’t seen in such a long time and a part of him wondered if he was simply imagining it. That he was so desperate to see love fill his baby brother’s eyes that he was tricking himself into seeing that warmth.
And there they were again, sobs getting caught in the back of his throat- Ponyboy didn’t need to see him break like this. He had to, needed to be the strong one for his brothers. Their sturdy rock that kept everything in order, that made it safe so they could stay. If he let the tears fall, there would be no stopping them, he would crumble right there in that bed next to Pony. Would become a shuddering mess and Darry refused to put that on him. But those fingers were so warm against his own skin, those eyes full of something he had missed seeing, his brother, still weeks away from being fourteen looking up at him with a softness he hadn’t seen in so long. Then one of those fingers, fingers that Darry had once kissed when they had been smaller, brushed against the inside of his wrist and he crumbled despite it all.
“Ponyboy.” His arms moved, wrapping tight around his brother and pulling him close to his chest. Hesitating for a second, prepared for them to shove him away but instead, Ponyboy fell right against him, his own breathing now rattled as he tucked his brother’s head under his chin. Ponyboy’s face pressing against his shoulder, his own arms wrapping around Darry and clinging to the fabric of his shirt. Their bodies wrecked with ragged breathing, with tears and sobs that had been choked back for too long. A pain that both had been carrying but been too afraid to speak on. Fears that ran deep, guilt that weighed heavy day after day, and a longing that both of them had needed but had no way of knowing how to get the other back.
“I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry.” Darry choked out, his arms tightening around his brother even more, knowing he had to make this right, that neither of them could keep on living like this. They had already lost too much, already had their hearts broken once, they didn’t need to lose the remainder of their family when they were alive and well. They needed this for themselves, needed this for Soda, needed this to keep on breathing. So Darry held on tight to him, his shoulders shaking, one of his hands running up and down the other’s back, trying to soothe him, trying to calm his own self down, letting every word go unspoken for now. Afraid that if he was to let go of Pony, he would slip from him. That the moment his arms moved from around his brother he would be miles away again, that he would never have this chance. That there would be no way to come back from what they had been through. So he held him close, both of their sobs filling the space between them, clutching and clinging to one another. Letting himself soak in the unfamiliar weight of his brother against him, how Pony seemed to be clinging, unwilling to let go, just as much as Darry was.
-
And I’ll say I love you and mean it this time.
-
“I got you, I got you Ponyboy.” Because no matter what happened, he would always have his brother and he needed him to know that. Things could never get better between them and Darry would still have his back, would still be there for him without a moment of hesitation. Ponyboy could hurl the cruelest of words at him and Darry would do nothing but love him. He was never good at stuff like this, was never good at words like Pony was, was never good at affection like Soda but he knew that he needed to try. That he couldn’t let this moment pass them by any longer, that he wanted nothing more than to know his brother again. Wanted to be his brother again and not just always this stoic force to be reckoned with. And it was him that needed to try, that needed to do better, that needed to make things right.
Reluctantly he shifted them on the bed, his hands searching out for his brother’s face, cupping it ever so softly as he gently moved his head so Darry could look at him. The pads of his thumbs brushing away the tears that still fell from Pony’s eyes, wanting to be able to see his brother’s face, wanting him to be able to see Darry, to understand how serious he was about the worlds he spoke.
“I haven’t been fair to you-” Shaking his head the smallest bit when he saw that Pony was already getting ready to protest. “I haven’t baby and I know that. I put too much pressure on you, I get on to you about too much. Glory, you’re not even fourteen yet. You shouldn’t always have me getting onto you about chores and homework and snapping for no reason.” None of it had been fair to Ponyboy, he hadn’t asked for Darry to step up, hadn’t asked for their parents to die, for the three of them to be left to this life that they had now. No, he had simply been his kid brother and Darry had taken so much out on him. Had let his own stress and fear be taken out on him. This had been Darry’s choice, to get guardianship of Pony and Soda. To work two jobs, to have more responsibilities than someone his age should have. And he would do it a hundred times over if it meant getting to keep his kid brothers, knowing that they were safe, that they were loved.
“Mama and dad, they left me their two most precious gifts, you and your brother, and I’ve been doing a real lousy job with making sure you two are okay. Making sure you two have dinner every night, keeping the roof over our heads, checking your school work, it only goes so far. Its not what you deserve, you deserve so much more than just that and I’m so sorry that’s all I’ve given you. I’m sorry that along the way you had to lose your brother too.” Because Pony had, Darry knew that. He was so much younger than him, younger than Soda, needed more parenting than what their brother needed, and Darry had solely been focused on that for so long.
His hand moved up, brushing the hair off of Pony’s forehead, giving a small shake of his head, his eyes still watery as he kept looking at him. “I want to, no, I’m going to do better by you, Ponyboy.” There was no other choice, there was no other option for Darry. He had let this go one for too long now, had let things spiral and get out of hand, and there was no way he could let it go on anymore. He would have to find a balance between a brother and father, would have to loosen up, would have to learn how to have fun again, and not be stressed all the damn time. But he would do it for Pony. “I want to know my little brother again.” His voice wavering, barely holding himself together as he spoke the promise out between the two of them.
“I want nights again where we curl up on the couch and talk about what book you’re reading. Or where we watch one of those cheesy westerns that dad loved so much. Where we eat too much junk food and laugh until our stomach hurts. Glory, I miss you kid even if you’ve been in the same house as me. I want to be your brother again.” He wanted that more than anything in the world, wanted to find his way back to being more than just a parental figure. Wanted to be the Darry he was six months ago, wanted to collect those pieces of himself, and try to put them back together. For himself. For Pony. For Soda. All three of them deserved it.
“I’ve missed you too, Dar.” And if that didn’t break his heart, make it shatter even more than what it already was, he didn’t know what would.
It had been exhausting and confusing at the best of times, this new life of theirs. Trying to figure out how they all kept living when the glue that held them all together had been taken from them. How to navigate a life where he was now raising two teenagers, not that he would have it any other way. But Darry knew that he had to fix things, he couldn’t keep digging his heels in and dragging his feet. This had gone on for too long, it needed to come to an end before he lost Ponyboy for good.
“I promise kiddo, I’m going to be right here. Whatever you need, I’m going to make it all right. I love you Ponyboy, more than anything in this world.” Hating the way he couldn’t even remember the last time he had spoken those words out loud had been. Despite it all, despite the fights that were near constant, never once had he stopped loving his brother. Nothing would ever make him do that but he also knew that he needed to voice it too. Needed Pony to know that, whatever he might think, Darry loved him, and would always love him. And while things weren’t perfect, it was a start. There would be a lot of work, not only on Darry’s end but Pony’s as well. They were too much alike at times, too hot headed but Darry knew that it would be okay. That as his brother shifted back under his chin and Darry’s arms pulled him tight to his chest once more that they would be okay. That the distance would close between them with time, they both were willing and able and that was the best place for them to start.