Work Text:
❄️❄️❄️
It was a brutally cold winter in Ottawa. The temperature had yet to go above 3°C and it had been snowing almost nonstop for the past twenty four hours. The news broadcast had advised citizens to stay indoors, keep themselves warm and safe, so it wasn't exactly a surprise that the streets of downtown Ottawa had been completely deserted. Ilya himself had no business being out in the street at that time of night; alone, cold and feeling worse than he had in ages.
The thing was, that feeling had been creeping up on him for days, an agonizing sadness that had become the only constant thing in his life. His eyes didn't sparkle anymore like they used to and everyone could see, his co-workers, his best friend and even the guys he got together to play poker at the local bar on the weekends. It had reached a point where it only took one good look at him to see that things were bad.
Even the one thing that had always been a source of light in his often dark life wasn't around anymore, a mistake he had himself committed and had to live with the consequences of it. But those freckled cheeks still haunted him, the softness of his touch, the laugh he tried to hide whenever Ilya said something too outrageous, the sound of his name leaving his lips when he was too far gone to think straight, the big brown eyes that had always looked at him with respect, joy, lust and love.
He had decided for them both that it was best if they lived separate lives, mostly because Ilya hated the idea of being a burden to someone that deserved nothing but joy and happiness. He feared for the resentment that would eventually come, the pain he would inflict on the person he loved the most in the world simply because he was the way he was. He had tried, tried to convince himself that he could be good enough, that eventually therapy would help and make him good enough, but he couldn't force someone so great to stand by and wait for him to be good. He did what felt right, because in some fucked up way -and he would only realize that once it was a bit too late- he would always prioritize Shane's happiness over his own.
Which made things even more disturbing and confusing when he glanced up to realize that he was just a block away from his house. He doesn't even know how he got there, his feet having a mind of their own. Not that he had a plan when he left the house, all he had was pain and the need to do something about it, otherwise he might…
He adjusted his hoodie, covering most of his face, which by then was mostly pale white, with his cheeks slightly flushed and his lips turning a pale blue that scarily matched his eyes. It was only then he realized he was shivering from head to toe, his body so tense his muscles were already hurting. He stopped on the front steps of the house, one he knew well but hadn't stepped in in over four months, one he had once considered a little bit like home too. He rang the doorbell before he could think things straight, but found himself spiraling thirty seconds later when all he had in return was silence. His shaky, gloved hands held tighter onto his jacket and just as he took the first step backwards, the front door flew open to reveal Shane standing there, brown eyes as confused as expected in a situation like that.
“Hi,” Ilya whispered, his voice breaking, his accent thicker than it had been in ages. “I didn't know where else to go.”
“Ilya,” was all Shane could say for a moment, his eyes scanning him up and down. “Are you alright?”
Yes, he wanted to be able to say. Yes, I'm alright and just wanted to see you. But that was bullshit, he had not been alright in months and as scary as it was, it seemed like he was finally ready to say it out loud for the one person that truly mattered.
“Not really,” he said, trembling hands rubbing against his sides as he tried to maintain eye contact with Shane, but found it too hard to do so. He hated feeling so vulnerable. “I'm scared.”
Shane frowned, clearly confused by his statement at first, but somehow something seemed to click in him and seconds later his eyes were wide with concern.
“Come in.”
❄️❄️❄️
The house was exactly as Ilya remembered. The same furniture, the same frames on the wall, the same smell of cleanness that was so typically Shane and obviously it still felt just as welcoming as it had always been, even if he didn't believe he deserved it.
Ilya was sitting by the leather armchair by the fireplace, the sound of fire rustling in the distance as he kept his eyes down to the floor. Shane had removed his jacket, which had been soaked with all the snow, then forced him to sit there while he moved around the house. Ilya could hear him talking, could hear the desperation in his voice, but he barely made out any of the words that were being uttered to him. His brain was a mix of emotions, a voice telling him to just leave Shane alone, while another one begged him to stay and allow someone to help him.
“Drink this,” Shane's voice filled up the air and Ilya allowed him to glance up for the first time in minutes, pale blue eyes stuck on the steaming hot mug Shane was holding in his hands. He took the mug gently and leaned back on the chair, his body still shivering as Shane carefully traveled his hands across his shoulders, his face and hair. “You're freezing.”
Ilya didn't reply, he barely had the energy to keep his eyes open at the moment, so he simply sipped on the tea, some of his muscles finally relaxing when the hot drink slid past his throat and started warming him up. He watched, carefully, as Shane grabbed a blanket -one Ilya knew well and had many times before found himself cuddling Shane underneath it- and draped over his back, rubbing it gently before he took a seat on the chair across from him. His eyes were filled with apprehension and fear, that side of him that was always ready to take care of the people he loved more apparent than ever.
“You really shouldn't have gone out,” Shane eventually said, voice calm and low, but Ilya knew him enough to know it was also filled with concern. “This weather is crazy, you could've ended up in serious trouble.”
“I couldn't stay home,” he said quietly, lips still trembling slightly, despite the heat from the mug that was starting to spread across his body. “Not-not alone.”
Shane frowned, clearly confused by the statement. He leaned closer to Ilya, but still kept himself at arm's length, his eyes trying to read all the emotions -or maybe the lack of- in Ilya's face.
“What you mean?”
“I haven't been good,” he allowed himself to say, the lump on his throat and tightness on his chest almost too much to bear. “I have been sad and confused and filled with pain. Just like-”
He cleared his throat, lowered his eyes back to the mug in his hands and kept himself silent for a good minute. He shouldn't have agreed to come in, he shouldn't have walked to Shane's house in the first place. This whole situation was exactly what he was trying to avoid when he ended things between them.
“Ilya, you can talk to me,” Shane assured him and Ilya could see from the corner of his eyes as he thought of reaching out for him, but quickly retrieved his hand. “You can tell me what's going on, I'll always be here to listen.”
“I think I'm too much like my mother,” the words rolled out of his tongue so easily Ilya even surprised himself. “And the past couple of weeks have been very hard and confusing, so I needed to leave the house, I needed to find someone, because I couldn't be alone, I was scared of being alone.”
The words seemed to hit Shane immediately, because less than a second later he was on his feet, setting Ilya's mug aside and pulling on the sleeves of his t-shirts, inspecting his arms and wrists like a mad man.
“Shane,” Ilya whispered, his voice tiny, too much like a child. Shane didn't seem to listen, he kept pulling on Ilya's shirt, checking for signs, making sure he hadn't done anything too drastic.
“Have you taken anything?”
“Shane-”
“Have you taken anything?” Shane asked again, his tone a lot more serious then, his eyes glossy with the tears he pretended weren't there, even if his quivering lips gave away just how distressed he was. “Ilya, answer me.”
“No, I did not,” he said and Shane sighed, his body relaxing almost immediately as he sat back down on the chair across from Ilya.
“How long have you been feeling this way?” Shane kept his hands on Ilya's as he asked the question, his thumb gently tracing circles on Ilya's palm, much like Ilya did it to himself when his anxiety was getting too much.
“I think about a year,” he admitted, tired of lying, tired of keeping things away from the one person that meant the whole world to him. “It's gotten worse the last couple months though.”
“And you didn't tell me before because?”
Ilya sighed, a part of him wanting to shut down again, but it only took one simple squeeze of Shane's hand on his for his walls to break down completely.
“I did not want to worry you,” Shane frowned. “I did not want to see just how bad I was.”
“Wait,” his voice was shaky all of a sudden and the tears were back in his eyes. “Is this why you broke up with me? Because you didn't want me to see you like this?”
“I didn't want to be a problem to you, Shane. I just wanted you to be able to live your life the way you deserve.”
“And who gave you the right to make those decisions for me? Have you ever considered that maybe I'd have liked to be there for you? That I wanted to take care of you?”
“You don't deserve all this-” Ilya shook his head, his own tears threatening to fall. “You don't deserve all the pain I would bring into our relationship.”
“Fuck that,” Shane nearly screamed as he got onto his feet again. He mumbled something that Ilya couldn't quite comprehend as he paced around the living room, head down, hands trembling and cheeks flushed.
“I shouldn't have come here.”
“What?” Shane stopped immediately, turning back to face Ilya again. “What are you talking about?”
“This is exactly what I was trying to prevent from happening,” he sniffed, no longer able to control his emotions. Ironically, he felt lighter than he had in months as he allowed himself to cry in front of Shane. “I didn't want you to be consumed with worry all the time, I didn't want you to feel like you had to keep an eye on me constantly.”
“So what? You can take care of me, but I can't take care of you?” Shane shook his head, took the couple steps that separated them and kneeled down on the floor by Ilya's side, his thumb gently wiping away his tears. “You should have told me, Ilya. You should have given me the chance to care for you the way you've always cared for me, because I would do anything to see you happy. How could you not know that?”
Ilya wished he had words to say, but everything felt too big at that moment. Without any other word, Shane pulled him into his arms, engulfing him in a tight and warm hug.
“I've loved you for years,” Shane whispered against his ear, while his hand gently stroked his curls, trying his best to sooth him. “I've loved you even when the world expected me to hate you, I loved you in the good and the bad moments.”
Ilya sobbed, his hands clutching onto Shane's sweater, desperate for something that could ground him. God, it felt so good to be wrapped around Shane's arms, to hear his voice again, to feel the heat of his body. He did what he did to protect Shane, but he didn't realize then that by protecting Shane he was throwing himself down a rabbit hole of sadness that he barely managed to escape.
“I wanted to take care of you, I wanted to be there for you,” Shane kept whispering, intercalating each word with a gentle kiss on Ilya's shoulder. “I still want to be there for you, so why won't you let me?”
“You deserve better,” Ilya managed to let out through his tears. “You deserve someone who's not fucked up.”
“Stop,” Shane pulled away then and cradled Ilya's face in his, his eyes serious. “I won't allow you to talk about yourself like this, Ilya, not when you're the most caring, loving person I've ever met.”
Ilya blinked away his tears. He wanted to say something, anything, but the words simply wouldn't come out.
“It kills me that you don't realize just how great you are,” Shane forced himself to smile, then leaned his forehead against Ilya's. “You deserve love just as much as anyone else, Ilya. So, please, let me love you just like you love me, like you deserve to be loved.”
“Shane-” was all he managed to say before his sobs came back and he buried himself in the crook of Shane's neck, his arms wrapped tightly around him as he simply allowed himself to just feel everything he had buried inside of him.
Shane sighed, closing his eyes as his own tears slowly rolled down his cheeks. He stroked Ilya's hair and gently rubbed his back while silence took them over. They stayed there for a few minutes, neither one of them saying a word, their grips on one another only intensifying until there was no more space left between them, until their bodies seemed like one.
“You should finish your tea,” Shane said after a while. “You're still shivering.”
“Not sure it's the cold anymore,” Ilya managed to say as he leaned back on the chair, his hand resting on Shane's tight, his eyes showing the tiniest hint of a sparkle.
“Still, you should finish it,” Shane smiled, handing him the mug that by now was lukewarm. “I'll prepare you a bath, okay?”
“Shane, you don't-”
“Ilya,” Shane's eyes said more than any other word he could possibly say, so Ilya simply nodded his head, drank his tea and watched in silence as Shane got up. “I'll be right back. Don't you dare go anywhere, okay?”
“Okay.”
Shane smiled. It was a tiny, almost imperceptible one, but it was enough for Ilya to feel a tingling all over his body. His body had relaxed for the first time in hours and while he still felt an immeasurable amount of pain and sadness, he also could see a light at the end of the tunnel.
❄️❄️❄️
Ilya sat on the floor, nestled between Shane's legs as he carefully toweled his hair. He had spent a good twenty minutes on the tub, soaking on the bath Shane had prepared him mostly in silence. Shane had stayed with him the whole time, either languidly washing his hair or rubbing his shoulders. It had been nice, calming, even if Ilya still felt overwhelmed with all that had happened. Never before had he felt so close to rock bottom.
“Are you seeing anyone?” Shane asked, his eyes filled with apprehension. Whether it was for daring to ask the question or for what the answer could be, Ilya didn't know. “A professional, I mean.”
“Yes.”
“For how long?”
“About six months,” Ilya said and sighed as Shane's hands immediately stilled, a frown forming on his face. Ilya didn't need him to say anything to know exactly what was going on inside his head. Six months ago they were still together, six months ago Ilya was already suffering and didn't tell him anything. “Don't blame yourself.”
“Huh?”
“Shane, I know you,” Ilya started, locking eyes with him through their reflection. “I know right now you are asking yourself a million different questions, wondering what you could have possible done or said that made me think that I couldn't trust you with this, but I need you to know that if I lied, if I kept things from you was only because I thought I was doing the right thing. But you, you didn't do anything wrong, you never did anything wrong,” Ilya assured him, because he needed Shane to know that if anything, he was the reason Ilya managed to hold on for so long.
Shane sighed, then moved so he could sit beside Ilya on the floor. “Things would've been a lot easier if you had just told me the truth, Ilya.”
“I know, but I was afraid of all the pressure you would put on yourself to try and make me feel better. I was afraid of what my bad days would do to you, of how much pain you would go through just seeing me this way. I didn't want you to think that you had to be with me, that you had to endure all of this, I didn't want to be a burden to you.”
“This is your father's doing, isn't it?” Shane asked and Ilya's eyes fluttered a couple times, the lump on his throat almost suffocating all of a sudden. “You grew up hearing him talk about your mother as if she was some sort of failure, as if her illness made her weak, so when you started feeling the same way, you couldn't help but think people around you would react the same way your father did towards her.”
Ilya avoided Shane's gaze as best as he could, the tears he had worked so hard to control suddenly creeping back in.
“Listen to me,” Shane lifted his chin, trying his best to smile despite everything. “You have never been and you will never be a burden to me, okay?”
“Shane-”
“Ilya, I need you to believe in me, okay?” Shane tried to keep himself together, but Ilya could hear the pain in his voice, could see the agony in his eyes, the fear of what might have happened if Ilya had wandered somewhere else. “I need you to understand that you are the most important person in my life and I will do anything to make you happy. I don't care how complicated it is, I don't care how much work we have to do, my life is better with you in it and I'm not giving up on you. So you either accept that I am going to help you throughout all of this, or I'm gonna keep bugging you until that stubborn head of yours realizes that I'm not going anywhere.”
Ilya couldn't help the little chuckle that escaped him at that, which was worth it to see the way Shane smiled at him.
“I don't think Yuna and David will be too happy to know you're putting me above them.”
“Oh, you're back to making jokes, huh?”
Shane smiled even wider and Ilya could see almost immediately that his body had relaxed, the frown on his face had disappeared. Obviously Shane wasn't under the impression that everything had been solved, he was smart enough to know that the journey would be a long and treacherous one, with many ups and downs, but Ilya could also see, deep in those big brown eyes, that he meant it when he said he wanted to be there for Ilya no matter what.
Ilya himself relaxed when Shane pressed their foreheads together, his eyes filled with love and care, his touch soothing and reassuring. “I love you, Ilya, don't you ever forget that.”
“I love you, too,” Ilya whispered back, his hands clutching onto Shane's shirt. He needed his presence around him more than anything else. “I'm sorry if I ever made you doubt that.”
“Just promise me that from now on you will tell me everything, no matter how difficult it may be, you just tell me what's going on and we'll deal with it together. Okay?”
“Together,” Ilya nodded, eyes fluttering shut as Shane closed the gap between them and allowed their lips to touch in a chaste and soft kiss. After five months of craving for his touch, Ilya relished the feeling of Shane's lips against his.
❄️❄️❄️
Ilya had tried to talk Shane out of it, tried to assure him he was fine and he didn't need to overdo himself just to help him, but obviously Shane wouldn't listen. Not after everything they had already talked, not after Shane made Ilya promise that he would allow him to be helped. So he swallowed his pride -which at the state he was in, seemed like a very unfortunate feeling to have- and his complaints and sat down on the kitchen island where Shane told him to.
Ilya watched him move around the kitchen with that precision he always had, sharp eyes focused on the task at hand. He made them some toasts, heated a soup and sat down with him by the island as they ate. They did it mostly in silence, stealing quick glances at one another and rubbing each other's hands from time to time. It was nice and warm and everything Ilya missed about them.
They were halfway through their bowls of soup when Ilya's eyes started to get heavy, his body desperate for a good night of sleep after everything it had endured during the day.
“Are you on medication?” Shane asked suddenly, eyes curious but also slightly apprehensive. Knowing Shane, Ilya knew he would only relax once he had made a thorough search about everything depression related, making notes on the key topics and the best way for him to help Ilya throughout all of it.
“Yes, for a couple months now,” Ilya explained, feeling Shane's grip on his hand intensify. “It took us a while to figure out the best medicine and the right doses, but we set into something good about three months ago.”
“Okay,” Shane nodded slowly, his jaw tense. “Do you remember the name of it? It's still snowing, but I can call the pharmacy down the road and see if they would deliver it. But even if they don't, I can brace the snow for a couple minutes and make sure to get at-”
“Shane,” Ilya shook his head, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on Shane's hand. “You're not going out in the middle of a snowstorm to buy me any medicine.”
“I will if you need to.”
“I don't,” Ilya assured him and took a quick glance at the clock on the kitchen wall, surprised to find it was still eleven thirty. So much had happened since the Sun went down, in some ways he felt like he had lived an entire week in a matter of hours. “I've already had today's dose, so that won't be a problem until tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Shane studied his face for a couple seconds, then planted a kiss on Ilya's hand. “Now finish your soup so we can go to bed, I bet you are desperate for some sleep by now.”
As if in cue, Ilya let out a yawn and Shane couldn't help but giggle, the sound echoing in the otherwise quiet house and making Ilya smile his first real and big smile of the day. The sound was absolutely lovely, one of the things Ilya missed the most being away from Shane, something he would definitely cherish more from then on.
They finished their dinner and despite his attempts to help with the dishes, Shane sent Ilya up to the bedroom, telling him to get himself ready for bed. He did as told, but made sure to throw in some complaints here and there, just to hear Shane's laugh. By the time the clock hit midnight, they were both in bed and under the blankets, Ilya's head resting against Shane's broad chest, his hand underneath his shirt, feeling the warmth of his body.
Shane had his fingers knotted in his curls, while he gently stroked his arm up and down with such care and reverence Ilya felt like crying. He felt safe in Shane's arms, safer than he had ever felt since his mother's death and he promised himself that he would never take that for granted again, that he would never do anything that could possibly jeopardize what they had, what Shane made him feel.
“Thank you for taking me in tonight,” Ilya said, eyes closed, face buried deep in Shane's neck.
“I'm glad you knew you could come to me no matter what,” Shane planted a kiss on his forehead.
“To be fair, I didn't really plan to come here,” he admitted. “I just started walking and when I realized, I was already ringing your doorbell.”
“I don't care. One way or another, you knew that you could count on me,” Shane whispered, tightening his grip around Ilya. “I'll always be here for you, Ilya. Always.”
“I know,” he whispered back, planting a kiss on Shane's chest. “I love you, Shane.”
“I love you, Ilya. Always have and always will.”
Ilya smiled, his body relaxing, his mind finally at ease. He knew things wouldn't magically solve themselves just because he had Shane back, but he knew things would be easier with someone who loved him so deeply by his side. He took in a breath and closed his eyes while his grip on Shane tightened. The warmth of his body paired with the steady rhythm of his heartbeat so relaxing it didn't take long for Ilya to finally drift off to sleep.