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'Cause you're a sky full of stars. You light up the path. I don't care, go on and tear me apart.
I don't care if you do.
Simon couldn’t see, and it was a part of life that they both had to adapt to. It was a part of life that wouldn’t change, wouldn’t be altered. The blood ocean, the mutations, they’d been too taxing on his body, and along with taking his arm, they’d taken his eyesight, leaving him with two red irises that scared Ryland sometimes in the middle of the night. They’d figured out a lot of things, like their feelings. They sorted those out after a long, long time, and it made more sense to sleep together, so that in the middle of the night, if Simon needed anything, Ryland was there for him, and vice versa. Though Ryland rarely needed anything. Sometimes Simon felt like he was too needy, but then he would break down into tears again, mourning everything he’d lost, and Ryland would be there to hold him again.
Ryland was always there to pick up the pieces Simon left on the ground.
Ryland talked about making peace with things a lot. He spoke about how he’d made peace with dying alone on an alien planet. He spoke about making peace with being sent on a suicide mission by himself. But in all of the talk about peace, he’d never once said it helped. Because making peace with something wasn’t a fix-all, it was a temporary blanket to throw over the flames of whatever it was, and then whenever the event arrived, the peace was replaced with the same fear as before. You can make your peace, but you’d still always have to live through it.
Simon never made peace with being blind. He never made peace with not being able to see what Ryland, Rocky- what the Hail Mary looked like. He knew what Ryland described, blond hair atop a dorky smile and small dimples, but he mourned it sometimes, never being able to see his partner. The man who’d saved him from the leftover pieces of the SM-13, the man who’d saved him from the pool of blood that Simon had been left for dead in. When Simon had woken up blind, scared out of his mind and terrified for what the future held, the one thing he’d never regretted was the miracle that led him to Ryland.
He was lying awake thinking about it, dwelling on everything that had happened, how far they’d come, when he heard something soft and sad, a whimper whispered into the darkness of the room… the darkness of Simon’s world. He held out his arms waiting until they landed on Ryland, and then he grabbed his boyfriend’s face and led them into a kiss, soft and peaceful, and he felt the tears on his face as Ryland blinked awake. He heard the quiet sob as Ryland’s arms wrapped around him, and Simon blinked, and in that moment, he realized how many things he’d never get to see again.
The stars that Ryland said they saved.
The world they were traveling to, had been traveling to for months.
He’d never get to wipe the tears off of his boyfriend’s face, always fearing he’d poke out an eye, or worse.
He held Ryland back and cried with him, because there they were, two men with sorrows enough to fill up the whole sky. Enough sorrows that each star could carry a burden on its back and there would never be enough stars.
It would never be enough.
Simon didn’t pull away, but he moved to try to find Ryland’s face again, and he pressed another kiss against his mouth, whispering the words Ryland told him every nightmare, every time.
“You’re safe, we’re all okay. Rocky is safe, the ship is safe, I’m safe. Everyone you love the most is okay, Ryland. Shhh.” He rocked back and forth as he said it, and Ryland finally quieted down, his sobbing turned to small hiccups that were far and few between.
“I-I dreamt you were gone. That we found you and-and Armando said you were dead… that you couldn’t be saved and-” Ryland started crying again, sobbing again, and Simon continued to hold him, wishing again that he could see, so he could look Ryland in the eye and tell him he was right there. That he was going to be okay. He wished he could believe it when he said they were all safe, because Simon was going to need Ryland for the rest of his life. He was going to need a cane, their house on Erid would have to be accessible. The amount of effort they’d all have to make, just because of Simon-
“Simon, promise me you’ll always stay by my side.”
“Ry, I can tell you with complete confidence that you will never be rid of me. I’m going to pester you until we’re both old and gray.” Simon said it with a chuckle in his words, but they carried a weight to them. They’d never talked like this, like the promise of being together forever. It felt so… heavy… to talk about.
“We-we won’t be able to be like a normal couple. I can’t… I’ve never wanted to, been able to-”
“Ry, honey. I’m blind, there’s plenty I’ll never be able to experience either. We can just do this together, experience things together, and if that means we’ll miss out on some things, I’m okay with that.”
“I wish you could see the stars.” Ryland whispered, and Simon nodded against his boyfriend’s chest.
“Me too, Ry. But you gave me something better. You gave me the world, and if this is it, if all I get to do for the rest of my life is hold you, and kiss you, and love you, then God, it’s a better world than I ever thought I deserved.”
He remembered being in the sub, begging with the voice on the other line of the comm, begging her to be real, begging her to save him. He remembered her asking if he’d give anything just to survive, and he’d said he never had anything to begin with.
Now, well, now he had everything, and that was scarier than not having anything. Now, he’d give everything to survive to be with Ryland, but he would give himself if it meant saving the one person who’d seen Simon for who he really was.
“I love you, Ryland.”
“I love you more.”
“Impossible.”
I wanna die in your arms. 'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark. I'm gonna give you my heart.
I think I see you, such a heavenly view- you're such a heavenly view.