Chapter Text
You're just like an angel. You float like a feather in a beautiful world.
I wish I was special. You're so fucking special. But I'm a creep.
Darkness. After everything, it was all dark, and Simon thought to himself, “I’m dead. This is what eternal death is like.” Back at the station, they never really talked about what happened after you died. They only talked about how they lived, how everyone at the station was indebted to those who’d saved them from the Quiet Rapture. Simon figured he’d live a long life, but it hadn't worked out that way. Of course it hadn't. He’d gone to jail, and then he’d been thrown in that fucking submarine, and after everything he’d drowned in the blood of those he’d killed. He drowned in blood to match the blood on his hands.
Darkness, and a strange robotic voice repeating “what is two plus two?” over and over. “Blegh-” Simon whimpered, trying to move, but there were tubes and wires all over his body. He blinked, he felt himself blink, but everything was still black, like what he always imagined the sky looked like. They told him the stars were gone. It was something like this.
“Incorrect-”
“Hey, hey, Armando, give him a moment, alright?” There was a voice, soft, like it meant no harm, but Simon flinched away from it, until he felt a butterfly touch graze against him, pulling the IV in his arm. “Hello there. Just give me a second here, okay? I’m gonna take out your catheter. It may hurt, but only for a second.”
Simon blinked in response, trying to figure out why it was so damn dark in the room. He figured they’d pulled his submarine up from the ocean and were trying to help him toward his promised freedom. He was only slightly terrified, but the person’s voice was careful, and polite, and it felt… comforting.
How weird was that?
“Yeah, uhm, do what you gotta do. Maybe though, you could turn on the lights?” Simon threw his arms around to try to find the lightswitch, but all he did was hit the person in front of him across the shoulder. He heard a light hiss from the impact and pulled his arms back into himself. “Sorry!”
“No, it’s alright. I-I’m just confused. The lights are on?” The voice whispered back, and Simon heard the sound of clicking and something in his dick twitching. He coughed, the sensation strange as a string like thing pulled. “Sorry, again, this is the worst it’ll be. Take a deep breath with me. In, hold-”
The man seemed to know what he was doing, so Simon took a shallow, shaky breath and held it until the doctor let him release it. Then, he didn’t feel anything else, except a blanket being used to cover him up, which he took gratefully.
“Alright, that’s done. Thanks Armando, you can give us some space. You too, Rocky, just… just a moment alright?”
Simon heard a high train of musical thrills and then he heard a clambering get louder and then quieter. A hand stabilized Simon’s arm on whatever bed he was lying on, and then the voice was back.
“Sir, my name is Ryland Grace. You’re on the ship Hail Mary. We’re about sixteen light-years away from earth currently. We’re about to land on the planet Erid, which is inhabited by a form of alien called an Eridian. There’s one aboard the ship currently, who I’ve named Rocky.” The man was tapping against Simon’s arm in morse code, every word, and Simon was strangely grateful for it. He found it hard to focus with the sensory deprivation of not being able to see anything. He nodded along as Ryland spoke, and then he swallowed against his sandpaper tongue and reached out to take the man’s hand.
“We’re not at Filament Station?”
“I’m not sure what that is.” Ryland responded, and Simon blinked at him again, wishing he could see. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t. “I think you may be referring to the submarine we rescued you from. It was bashed to pieces and was on one of the planets we orbited in for a bit to conserve fuel. Your sub appeared, I guess it had some sort of thruster on it, outside of the Hail Mary a week ago. You’ve been healing since then.”
Simon didn’t understand. There shouldn’t be any planets left, not Erid, or whenever they were going. The blood ocean shouldn’t have existed anymore either. His mission failed, he didn’t save everyone, he-
“Woah there, hey, I know this is scary, but we’ll figure it out. W-what’s your name?” There were two hands placed on Simon’s shoulders, pushing down, like pressure points that made him take another deep breath.
“Simon.”
“Ok, Simon, it’s nice to meet you. Have you always been blind?” Ryland’s hand snuck its way into Simon’s and he carried his fingers up to his face. Simon knew what he must have been doing, so he tried to focus. Ryland had a sharp nose, glasses, and hair that didn’t pass by his ears.
“No.”
“It’ll be ok. I’m a teacher, I’ve met many kids who can't see. It must be a trauma response to your accident. It could be temporary, but it could also be permanent. I promise you, we’ll figure it out together, alright?” The man smiled and Simon felt the lines on his face crinkle with the movement. It made him smile slightly too, just slightly though.
“You’re really calm about all this.” Simon whispered, trying to feel his own face. His hair had grown longer, and was crinkly with dried… something… He’d have to ask where the shower was, if he could even manage that without being able to see.
“I’ve had more time to process all this. At your home, did you know about the Petrova line?”
Simon just shook his head.
"That's alright. It’s a collection of Star-eating microbes that I was sent to eliminate. It’s made up of Astrophage, those are the microbes. They were dimming the stars and-”
“There are no stars. Not anymore.”
Ryland paused, and Simon could feel the uncertainty in his voice when he spoke again. “I promise you the stars are still there.” Ryland’s fingers slid down Simon's palm until their fingers were entwined. It just… felt safer to Simon.
Damn. “I wish I could see it… just my luck that someone saves the world, but I’m blind.”
There was a bashful chuckle and Ryland’s hand left Simon’s for a moment before returning. Simon’s free hand moved back up to Ryland’s face and he felt his glasses again. “What color are your eyes?”
Ryland seemed taken aback by the comment, because he blinked rapidly against Simon’s fingers and then murmured, “blue.”
Simon just took a deep breath and tried to smile as best he could. “That’s my favorite color.”
“Yours are brown.” Ryland whispered, and Simon felt a hand travel the distance of cheek, from his eye to his lips. He knew it must have been Ryland, but the feeling made goosebumps travel across his skin in weird patterns.
“I’m scared, Ryland.”
“Just keep your hand in mine, we’ll figure this out. I promise, Rocky and I won’t let anything happen to you.”
There was a mighty noise in the ship just then, and then the clink of glass and Simon’s hand, in Ryland’s grasp, traveled to a thick, ball-like shape beside him.
“Rocky hear Rocky name. Come check on Grace and other human.” The words were choppy, and Ryland helped Simon touch the translating device he’d created for the alien.
“Rocky, Simon is blind, ok? So you can’t just go knocking against him like you do me, yeah?” Ryland spoke like he had with Simon, calmly, and Simon remembered he’d said he was a teacher. It made sense.
“Simon blind, can’t watch Grace sleep question.”
What?
“No, he can’t, but it’s alright. He just needs some rest. I’ll stay here with him if you’d like to get out of your ball.” Ryland’s hand was still in Simon’s, and he held it closer to his chest, finding comfort in its consistency.
There was a fuss from Rocky, but he seemed to finally relent with some small clicks from Ryland. He’d have to teach Simon how to understand the music.
“Alright, bedtime, Simon. You can close your eyes, here.” Ryland reached out and the tips of his fingers pulled Simon’s eyelids closed. He helped Simon lean back onto the bed, but Simon sat up hurriedly.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
“I won’t.” Ryland promised, leaning against Simon’s knees, which were bunched up on the bed. A hand rested in Simon’s, and another was on his thigh, thumb brushing against the sweatpants he was wearing. Simon didn’t know how he’d come to wear those, but he was grateful for them. Something told him Ryland had given them to him.
“Thank you, Ryland.”
“Of course.”
“For it all, honestly, it… it means a lot.”
He almost thought he heard Ryland smile that time.
“Go to sleep, Simon. We’ll try to figure some things out in the morning, but right now, rest, that’ll help.”
And in the end, Ryland was right. By the time they reached Erid, and Adrian got a good look at Simon’s eyes, they’d been able to manufacture eyedrops that helped his sense of sight.
The first time he saw Ryland’s eyes he cried.
“Blue…” he whispered, hand on Ryland’s face, tears blurring his eyes even more than they already were, but he didn’t care. Ryland was crying too.
“Look up.” Ryland murmured, pressing a kiss to the bridge of Simon’s nose, and so he did, and what he saw made his chest heave again.
Stars.
I wanna have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around.
I don't belong here.