Chapter Text
All the nights I spend fighting bad thoughts in my room. Feeling so alone, might as well be on the moon.
My head is full of poison, and my heart is full of doubt. I got toxins in my bloodstream.
They’d been figuring it out, really, they had been, but then one day Simon woke up, and he was tired. Just tired. Tired of being stuck on another ship with no way out, of sitting around listening to Rocky and Ryland figure out life on Erid and not being able to help. He was tired of how he seemed to be getting worse, while Ryland was still the amazing angel as always. But most importantly, he was tired of living in the darkness, not being able to see, and that, that was what made him snap.
“You have to eat something Simon.” Ryland’s voice was soft, and delicate, like it always was, and as Simon played with the hem of his t-shirt (read: Ryland’s t-shirt), he shook his head softly.
“I don’t want anything to eat.”
Ryland sighed, not annoyed, never annoyed, just… tired. Maybe he was done too, but he was better at not showing it. “Si, c’mon, just some toast, or a banana, something to-”
“IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER THOUGH, DOES IT?! I’M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO SEE.” Simon yelled, standing up and knocking into the open compartment Ryland must have opened. Ryland made a noise and Simon heard it shut, but he was already walking down the corridor, makeshift cane in hand, the xenonite rough against his palm.
“Wait! Simon!” Simon could hear Ryland hurrying after him, but he picked up his pace, and as he did, his cane got caught in one of the grooves of the ship and he fell to the floor, bashing his nose into the ground as he did. Ryland screamed, the footsteps got closer, but all Simon could feel was the blood dripping from his nose.
Blood-
Ryland’s hand landed on Simon’s shoulder, and Simon shrugged it off. He was seeing something, like lights dancing on his eyelids, and all he saw was dark maroon. Slipping into his skin, underneath his fingernails and when he started shaking, tears dropped out of his broken eyes and onto Ryland’s knee. He buried his face into his friend’s stomach, breath heaving for a long moment, and Ryland, he simply ran his fingers through Simon’s hair and whispered soft Eridian, even though Simon couldn't understand.
“Why do I have to be like this?!” Simon murmured into Ryland’s shirt, and Ryland just slipped his fingers into Simon’s and brought his hand up to his face. When he shook his head, Simon felt it, and he thought just to himself, “how was I blessed with such a good person when I'm just me?”
“I don’t know.” Ryland said back, and when his head stopped shaking, Simon searched for something more, movement, something else, and Ryland must have noticed because suddenly, Simon could feel a heartbeat under his fingertips. “But I know we’ll get through it together, alright Si? We’ll figure this all out together.”
“Where’s Rocky?”
“I told him to give us some space.” It shouldn’t have been funny, and maybe Simon was delusional now, but he laughed, at the implication, at their location, at their destination. It was all hilarious, tied up in a space joke from a middle school teacher.
“Hey, Ryland?”
“Yes, Simon.”
“Do you think I’ll ever be able to see again?”
Ryland was quiet for a long moment before he spoke, and when he did, his voice was as hushed as ever. As if he was calming a frightened animal. “I don’t know, all I can do is hope, and pray, and try to wait for us to have better technology. Rocky thinks Adrian might be able to do something, but that’s a few years out.” Ryland took a deep breath and his fingers brushed quicker through Simon’s hair. His heartbeat grew faster too. “Selfishly, I hope you can see one day so that you can see me. Then maybe… maybe you can pick me to be yours.”
Simon blinked the tears from his eyes, even though a few of them stayed where they were. “Yours?” He sat up, to where he knew Ryland was, and tried his best to level his head to his friend’s. “Ryland, you don’t mean-”
“Yeah. I kinda do.” Ryland’s voice was shaking, and Simon moved his hand from Ryland’s chest back up to his face, cradled him softly, and then he moved forward, with all the bravery he had left, and his lips landed on the corner of Ryland’s. Ryland sucked in a deep breath and Simon leaned back, chest heaving a bit and as he opened his mouth to apologize, he felt Ryland lean against him and their lips tangled back up together.
They stayed like that for a long time before Ryland leaned back and jumped. Simon’s eyebrows furrowed, “what?”
“Nothing, it’s just-”
“Grace Simon engage in mating ritual. Grace explain kissing to Rocky. Rocky see you two do it.”
Shit.
Oh, 'cause baby, I'm unraveled. Why can't you come stitch me up? Why can't it ever be enough?
It's not enough. It don't matter how your love feels anymore.