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“Aren’t you a little sad?” he was asked once.
“It’s no use crying.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean…”
Of course they didn’t mean it like that. They want him to be sad, but not too sad. They want him to look mournful but not weep. They want him to show that he’s affected but not to the point where he’d have to be comforted.
What happened is sad. It is sad to many, and it is sad to him. It’s not his fault he doesn’t know how to show it.
*
There’s a bird on a naked branch of a tree, and he and Soonie are watching it from their spot by the window. Black and white. The forehead is white, and the back of the head is black. The belly is white; the back is black. The throat is also black, like one of these napkins you’d stick behind your collar to not stain your shirt while eating. He saw it in some cartoon.
He hears another set of paws clanking on the floor behind him. Sounds like Doongie. Dori’s probably asleep.
Minho has to focus on simple things. The simplest of things, he has to.
*
He’s teetering on the edge—either his hiatus will end or he’ll be removed from the group.
Or he’ll stay in this limbo till everyone forgets about him.
One afternoon, he lays down on the ground behind his grandparents’ house, among yellow and orange leaves. He breathes in the scent of decomposition and earth and imagines he’s being split into particles, disappearing into thin air.
*
At this point, only his cats are keeping him sane. He strokes their fur and pats their butts and cooks for them. He plays with them and buys them new toys and takes pictures and videos of them.
Those are the only things he sends to their group chat.
He always gets a lot of reactions and follow up questions.
How are you doing? Maybe you’d like to come over? We’ll order some good food, what are you in the mood for?
It feels bad to ignore it.
*
“Minho, you have to eat,” his mum says.
His dad looks at him with pity.
Seungmin calls him every day, even though Minho never picks up.
Chan sends him messages trying to convince him to come back. Or at least see them all. Once.
Minho isn’t ready.
He isn’t even ready to see Jisung who knocks at his parent’s door every other day just to be told Minho doesn’t want to see anybody.
It feels nasty. Like he’s a capricious toddler, throwing tantrum after tantrum. Jisung doesn’t deserve it. People around him don’t deserve this treatment.
A stray cat running away from a hand that wants to feed him.
*
Chan is the first person Minho sees, and it happens only because he stands in front of Minho’s house like a fool for a good hour in pouring rain.
Minho decides to take pity on him and let him in.
“Come with me,” Chan says the moment he sees Minho.
“It’s raining.”
“I have a car.”
“I know you have a car, idiot.”
Chan smiles, and that’s the moment when Minho’s armour falls. Not even cracks—it’s gone, fully, and he has nothing to protect himself with.
“Come with me,” Chan repeats, and Minho can do nothing but agree.
He goes back home to grab his jacket and tell him mum he’s going out. She smiles at him—a genuine, big smile.
She never wanted him to isolate himself like this, so she’s happy. Of course. But Minho has a feeling that this will be only a one-time thing. He’ll go with Chan, do whatever Chan wants him to do, and then he’ll come back to his dull routines.
Chan waits for him outside. He could’ve gone to his car, but no. He has to make sure Minho follows him.
“I’m soaked,” Minho complains when he’s in his seat.
“You’re such a cat.”
Chan hums to himself as he drives. He doesn’t put any music on, but he creates noise.
“Where are you taking me?” Minho asks.
It feels like this is a question he should be asking. Should’ve asked a while ago.
“I’m kidnapping you.”
“Ha. Ha.”
Chan giggles, like he’s having the best time in the world.
*
Chan takes him to their dorm. Minho should’ve predicted that.
He has some reservations about coming inside, even though it’s too late. The door is already open.
Chan enters first and then looks back at Minho, and he knows—he knows Minho wants to escape. A cat in an unfamiliar environment. Except this is familiar, should be familiar.
Maybe it’s the prospect of disappointing Chan now, after he’s come so far, that makes Minho cross the threshold.
Inside, there’s quite a lot of chaos. Minho doesn’t count heads, but it looks like everyone must be home. There’s music, mood lighting and a lot of food. And the room is decorated strangely. Shapes carved out of colourful paper are hanging from the walls. Cats sitting, cats walking. Hearts. Something trapezoidal—maybe it’s supposed to resemble pudding?
“We’re throwing a party.” Felix grins and throws his arm around Minho’s shoulder.
“You all have completely lost your minds.”
“Well, maybe I wouldn’t call it a party,” Seungmin adds, side-eyeing the balloons hanging on the wall.
Minho follows his gaze. “Whose idea was it?”
“The decorations or the party?” Hyunjin asks.
“I don’t know, both?”
“Jisung, Felix and I decorated. The rest prepared food. And the party…was a joint idea.”
“Yeah… cause you share one mind.”
“Okay, it was Chan’s.”
“Right. So that’s why he was so determined and stood for an hour in front of my house like a creep.”
“That sounds funny.” Seungmin laughs.
“What if I didn’t come?” Minho asks.
“We’d have another party next week.” Hyunjin shrugs.
Minho stands in the middle of the room, feeling dizzy. What do they even want from him?
“And what are you going to do during this party?”
“Drink and kiss,” Jisung answers from the couch.
“You can drink and kiss without me.”
Jisung pouts. “I don’t know about the rest, but it’s been a hundred and twelve days since I last kissed you.”
“He has a count-up on his phone,” Hyunjin confirms. “He even moved it to his main screen. You have to do something about it, hyung.”
Minho sighs and marches towards Jisung. “Get up.”
“Are you going to kiss me?” Jisung asks excitedly.
Minho doesn’t answer, instead he grabs Jisung’s waist and pulls him in.
It’s so strange to kiss him. It feels almost like he’s never done it before.
But they used to do it so often. In the dorm, in the recording studio, in practice rooms. Even in the bathroom stalls, hiding from everybody. Hundreds of times. And now it feels like he barely remembers it.
The thought upsets him, and he feels like he needs to get out.
But when he releases Jisung and turns around, he nearly clashes heads with Seungmin.
“What?” he asks.
“Now me,” Seungmin says.
Minho pushes him away and instantly notices that Seungmin looks genuinely hurt.
“I’m joking,” he says quickly.
That’s not what he was supposed to do, but they end up kissing, too. Minho wanted to run away, but now he’s here, with Seungmin’s hand on the back of his neck and his tongue in his mouth.
His kiss with Seungmin is a bit different than the one with Jisung’s. It’s longer, and Seungmin’s leading it. And Minho feels something inside him melting. A huge block of ice, square, and unfitting, and hurting, getting smaller and smaller.
When they separate, Seungmin’s mouth gets replaced by Hyunjin’s almost immediately.
“I see the party’s going well without me,” Chan says.
Minho only sends him a fake-annoyed glare.
*
He can’t go back to how things were. After he comes back home, happy and drunk, he falls asleep already missing the rest.
The next morning, he feeds his cats and wonders what the rest are eating. When are they going to take off these ridiculous decorations?
Would they enjoy it if Minho came over and cooked something for them? He has so much free time anyway…
But the thought of seeing them leave for schedules leaves him with dread.
*
“Do you remember when I said that if we separate, we die? I still believe it.”
“I thought it was a hyperbole.”
Hyunjin fingers brush the back of Minho’s hand. “You know, there was a point when I believed I wouldn’t return from my hiatus,” he says.
“It was different.”
“Yes, it was different. Now we’re even stronger, and we won’t let you go.”