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“When?”
Emily flinched at the angst, no, the pure bitterness in JJ’s tone. She moved and sat on the couch next to JJ but JJ stood straight up and moved away from her. Not wanting to be near Emily and Emily couldn’t blame her, not really. Not now. Not after this.
“When Emily?!” JJ’s voice rose with anger.
“I - don’t have an exact date.” She shook her head. Not knowing what to say. But she knew she should say something better than that.
“I’m not asking for specifics, Emily! I’m asking how long!” JJ spat out.
“I don’t know.” Emily said softly. Avoiding eye contact. “I- I don’t, really.”
“You don’t know but you choose to tell me you’re in love with me?” JJ scoffed and ran her hand through her hair. “You know, I used to suspect it. Years ago before I even had Henry. But you told me to go for Will. So I did, Emily! I threw myself at Will and I fell for him and I made a life with him and I was happy and I was in love and I had two beautiful boys and a life and now my husbands dead!” She knows it’s been almost 18 months without him.
“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, JJ. This isn’t easy on me either!” Emily stood up but quickly sat back down as she seen JJ retreat from her. Her heart broke at that reaction. JJ never retreated from her. Ever. She was the person JJ always ran to.
“So you tell me now? Now that I’m a widow? Now that Will’s gone? That he’s…he’s dead?” JJ wrapped her arms around herself.
“You needed to know. I needed to tell you.”
“I didn’t need to know, Emily. I was fine not knowing.” JJ cried.
“This job takes a lot but you know what it gives me, it gives me you” Emily suddenly repeated the words that JJ once told her. The words that never left Emily’s mind.
“What?”
“That’s what you once said to me.” Emily looked over to JJ who was wiping at her tears. “What did it mean? Because I’ve played it over and over and over in my head so many times since you’ve said it. I’ve just never had the courage to ask you about it until now.”
JJ stood still; looking out the window of her new place as tears slowly ran down her face. But she didn’t speak.
“I don’t want to pressure you, Jen, but I also know that my feelings for you aren’t just coming from no where.” Emily spoke calmly. Collectively.
“Ha, so it’s my fault?”
“It’s nobodies fault.” Emily frowned. She didn’t want this to get messy. She knew she had to tread lightly. She knew JJ was hurting. “But I need to know what you meant by that. What did you mean by this job takes a lot but gives you me?”
“Exactly how it sounds, Em.” JJ scoffs.
“I don’t get you, you’re the one who said it to me!” Emily stood up again as she rose her voice. Frustration taking
over again. “I didn’t ask you to say it!”
“Will hasn’t even been gone 18 months, Emily!” JJ pleaded
“You said it before he died!” Emily shouted. She watched as JJ shook her head and held onto herself again.Sitting back down she cried into her hands.
“I’m not trying to replace him, Jayje.” Emily spoke after a few minutes of silence.
“You left.”
Emily looked up.
“You snuck off on my wedding night and you left without even saying goodbye. You were supposed to be my best friend. And there was nothing. You just left me.”
“I seen you get married. You looked happy.”
“I was happy.” JJ wiped her tears. “But you left me.”
“I was so in love with you, Jennifer. I couldn’t sit and watch you play happy wife.”
“I didn’t play happy wife. I was a happy wife.”
“Maybe I should never have come back.” Emily shrugged. Looking down at her fingers. “I sometimes think about a life I could have made for myself in England.”
“You’d have been just as miserable there as you are here and you know it.”
“Gee, thanks.” Emily scoffed and rolled her eyes. Her eyes hurt from all the crying she had done today.
“Nothing good comes from regrets”
“I don’t regret it, JJ.” Emily paused and looked over at JJ who had began to calm down. “I just sometimes wonder.”
“I was falling in love with you when I first met you.” JJ admitted. She ignored Emily’s audible gasp. “I was so scared. I hadn’t had feelings for another woman since my soccer days. But you came into my life and you lit me up.” She smiled. “But then you told me to go for Will, Emily. And it made me think you weren’t interested in me, so I pushed everything I ever felt for you aside.”
“And now?” Emily sat with hope.
“And now I don’t know, Em.” JJ sighed and wiped her eyes. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I want you to to just rest on it. Give it a thought.”
“Will is dead” JJ whispered.
“You can’t hide behind that for forever, JJ. You’re allowed to move on. Be happy again.” Emily took a step toward JJ and when she didn’t flinch, she stepped closer again. “You kissed me.”
“I did”
“And it felt like it meant something. And it’s not just my want for you imagining that.”
“It did mean something, Emily. Of course it did.” JJ admitted. But refusing to make eye contact with Emily.
“How long?” It was Emily’s turn to ask the length of time now.
“A few months.” JJ rolled her eyes and laughed “But really, you’ve been on my mind in that way for years” She swallowed. “And I feel so guilty about it, Em.” She whispered.
“You’re allowed to be happy again.” Emily reached out for JJ’s hand and stroked it. “It’s not like I’m somebody who has just entered your life. I’m not new. This is new. But maybe it’s finally our time.”
“I lied,” JJ looked up into Emily’s eyes. “Before”
“About what?” Emily’s eyebrow rose.
“I never pushed what I had aside for you. I never could. I tried, for a long time, but no matter what it was always just…there.” JJ paused. “Even when I was with Will. My feelings for you were still there. And when you left me,”
“I didn’t”
“Yes you did.”
“Okay, fine.” Emily played with her fingers as she nodded. “Yes, I did” She finally admitted with on quick breath.
“When you left me, I thought I could finally get rid of the feelings, push them aside, focus on Will and being a Mom, but you were always on my mind Emily. You were always in my heart.”
“I’m sorry?” Emily offered.
“You are so not sorry” JJ laughed for the first time today.
“You’re gorgeous when you smile.” Emily smiled and placed her hand underneath JJ’s chin, tilting it up right. “I’m sorry for being the one to make you so angry today”
“I made myself angry, too.” JJ nodded.
“Will we be okay? Where do we go from here?” Emily asked.
“We’re always going to be okay.” JJ stepped forward and leaned into Emily’s arms, smiling as Emily relaxed her head atop of JJ’s. “We go slow”
“I can do slow” Emily nodded.
“So…you gonna tell me why you kissed me?” Emily asked after a few moments of standing with JJ in her arms. “In front of everyone?”
“Because I thought I lost you, Em.” JJ’s bottom lip quivered. “On the field, when they said agent down, and you weren’t answering your radio. My mind wouldn’t stop ticking and I thought great, I’ve lost her. I’ve actually lost her.” JJ looked at Emily in the eyes. “And the next thing I knew my lips were on your lips and the world was spinning and a part of that didn’t matter because I knew you were okay, you were there you were alive. But then the other part? It scared me, so I left instantly.”
“Do you regret it?” Emily asked. “Do you regret kissing me?”
“No, god no,” JJ shook her head. “I’m just scared. And I have so many thoughts running through my head, Emily. I’m sorry I got so angry at you but my head is just everywhere. I feel guilty. I feel so fucking guilty.”
“I can’t take that feeling away from you, but I can be here for you, I can be as present as you need me to be.” Emily offered.
“I need to go slow.” JJ nodded and pushed a strand of hair behind her ears.
“I’ve waited 19 years for you Jennifer, I can go as slow as you need me to.” Emily smiled.
“I thought you didn’t know exactly how long.” JJ folded her arms and rose an eyebrow.
“Eh, give or take.” Emily shrugged and gave a short laugh. “The point is, I’m capable of going slow. But I just need to not be shut out. If you need time, I’ll give it to you.”
“Okay, yeah, I’m gonna need time.” JJ smiled. “But I won’t shut you out. Just as long as you don’t shut me out either. Or decide you need to up and leave me again.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Jayje.” Emily smiled and leaned forward to press a kiss on JJ’s forehead. “I promise.”
“This job gave me Will, which gave me Henry and Michael, it gave me the BAU family, my closest people who probably know me a little too well, it gave me something to fight for every day,” JJ looked over at Emily. “But Emily Prentiss it gave me you, it gave me my best friend, my protector, the person I feel safest around. The person who I know will always have my back, the person who will always save me if I’m ever in trouble, or heaven forbid my boys are. The one person I can count on in my life is you. Because you’re the one person who has always been here. Even when you,” JJ swallowed. “Even when you left, I still felt this intense connection to you, and you still came back the moment I needed you. You still saved me. Em, you have no idea how incredible you really are. How much you just being in the building eases my soul. How much I love you.”
Emily sat with her eyes watering as she stared at JJ, her eyes moving across JJ’s facing, watching as the woman spoke with sincerity and love.
“To put in short, that’s what I meant when I said what I said at Penelope’s that night.” JJ smiled as her right hand reached for the tear that fell down Emily’s cheek.
“That…that wasn’t short” Emily whispered and cleared her throat and swallowed. Her mouth seemed very dry. She looked down at JJ’s lips but quickly turned her direction back to her eyes. “Slow.” She whispered.
“You can kiss me if you want.” JJ whispered. “I think I need one after that.”
Emily hesitated at first but smiled as she saw JJ staring at her lips. Leaning down, Emily captured JJ’s lips softly in her own.
“For what it’s worth I love you, too.” Emily spoke first as she broke away from JJ’s lips and smiled. “But for now, we go slow.”
“Just for now, just for a moment.” JJ reached for Emily’s hand and held it in hers. “Just while I get used to this.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Emily promised. “We have forever in front of us”
the end -
A gentle reminder that life does not have to be rushed.